Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Thu Aug 13, 2020 6:47 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: JPaul Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2020 7:27 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Lesson 1

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.

Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1) I feel I am willing to commit myself to change. I have been active in a 12 step group for sexual issues for about five years. It has been helpful but I've not reached the level of health that I had hoped for, so I am willing to try something else and I am committed to working towards a healthy sexuality. That has been my goal for a long time and I feel like I just have not found the path that will get me there yet. I am hoping RN is that path.

2) I am not sure how to answer this one exactly. I know I have shame over my sexual acting out, and I know that creates a negative cycle of wanting to numb those feelings which creates desire to act out more. I have had periods of abstinence and I felt better, and did not feel as much shame so I am hoping that will be the case now and as I progress through the lessons.

3) I am anxious to find a healthy sexuality, but I have been struggling with it for a very, very long time so I think I will be happy with any progress. I also realize that the thoughts processes, emotions etc tied to acting out are very ingrained in me and it will take time to counter act that and develop new ways of thinking and new habits.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 06, 2020 7:27 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Lesson 1

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.

- I want a healthy intimate relationship with a partner.
- I want to be free from the shame/guilt/isolation that the addition brings
- I want to use the time I have to be productive and positive, not wasted in addictive and unhealthy behaviors
- To be closer to my Higher Powers will for me and my life
- To feel more open and free
- To be free of the secondary effects, like poor sleep habits, poor eating habits
- To feel better about myself, better self esteem
- To have more energy and enthusiasm for life
- To be more emotionally available for all relationships in my life
- To be able to perform normally in intimate situations, to be comfortable and confident when physically intimate with someone
- To see potential partners through a wider lens than just physical appearance and attraction.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2020 6:23 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Lesson 2

What I would like my life to be like, my Vision for my life:

To always humble myself to my Higher Power.

To commit myself to a loving and intimate relationship with one woman, to build physical and emotional intimacy with that person.

To always commit to honesty and integrity in what I do and what I say.

To lead when I am able, and to always have the mindset of service to others.

To be a productive member of society, through my work, charitable giving, and participation.

To pursue excellence (not perfection) in my work.

To contribute in a loving and positive way to the lives of all member so my family of origin. To especially try to be a positive example to my nieces and nephews.

To remain committed to a life of recovery, to participation in the recovery community, especially the AA community.

To be grateful and appreciative of the friends I have in my life, and to act in a way that will help them be grateful I am in theirs.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2020 6:57 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3923
Location: UK
Hi JP
welcome to RN, but hoping that the frequency of your posts increases
why did it take so long after sign up to actually take the plunge ?

anyway

welcome to a proven well trodden path for recovery
if you really do want to improve your life and remove those self inflicted shackles of addiction and to recover from your emotion driven compulsive behaviours then you are at a good place to make that a reality, RN can show you the way
To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path successfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your vision is good but it could be better by adding a few "how" "why"and "whens"

IMO the vision is the cornerstone of recovery, so the more detail the better
your call

lets get committed totally committed and look forwards to being that better man
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2020 9:36 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Hi Coach Kenzo,

Thanks for the reply and feedback. I appreciate it.

The initial delay was due to the fact that I initially signed up a few years ago when I was at a tipping point. I read some posts etc. but honesty I didn't really understand how RN worked at that time. I got involved in a 12 step group and was working that program the last few years. I have not found relief from my behaviors and so in what I consider something of an inspired moment I remembered RN and returned. I think I have a better grasp of how RN works and what I need to do, so I have begun the workshop in earnest.

I appreciate your comments and feedback and will work to incorporate them. Thanks for reading my thread.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2020 5:26 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Revised Vision based on coaches feedback and suggestions. I have to confess it was a little harder than I imagined. I also got into a conversation with someone about goals and thought, this will be easy. I just wrote out my Vision so my goals have to be right there. I found myself struggling to communicate my goals. Part of it I think was because I was not willing to be an open and intimate perhaps as what some of the Vision items would disclose.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2020 5:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Revised Vision

What I would like my life to be like, my Vision for my life:

To always humble myself to my Higher Power, by reaffirming and practicing the third step, using the serenity prayer, and remembering my second step spiritual experience.

To commit myself to a loving and intimate relationship with one woman, to build physical and emotional intimacy with that person. I will do this through open and honest communication and frequent affectionate contact.

To always commit to honesty and integrity in what I do and what I say.

To lead when I am able, and to always have the mindset of service to others.

To be a productive member of society, through my work, charitable giving, and participation.

To pursue excellence (not perfection) in my work. Excellence being technically proficient and knowledgeable, effective and timely communication, and continuous growth and improvement.

To contribute in a loving and positive way to the lives of all member so my family of origin. To especially try to be a positive example to my nieces and nephews.

To remain committed to a life of recovery, to participation in the recovery community, especially the AA community through regular meeting attendance and participation, sponsor/sponsee relationships, and service work.

To be grateful and appreciative of the friends I have in my life, and to act in a way that will help them be grateful I am in theirs. I will work towards proactively reaching out, extending and accepting invitations, and positive support for them and their pursuits.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2020 7:42 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Some observations since writing my vision.

My vision is focused on things like relationships, social connections, spiritual ideas etc. In reality, my day to day thoughts and actions are focused on my work, earning income, material things. I guess some of that is normal but I can see a gap between these two things. I think socializing, connecting with people and relationships has always been very difficult for me.

Which leads me to some observations about my acting out. It is almost exclusively when I am feeling alone, not connected. I think part of it is trying to fulfill the desire to be connected, to be wanted, to be loved, and to have something I don't have in real life - a partner. I know this is not all of it as I still acted out when I did have partners but I think it plays an underlying role and there seems to be a connection between my vision, my day to day focus, that gap and the things I would like that I try to satisfy in acting out.

Would love feedback on how this is seen from the outside and with some experience in addressing porn addiction.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 16, 2020 7:22 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 423
Hi JP,

You wrote
Quote:
It is almost exclusively when I am feeling alone, not connected. I think part of it is trying to fulfill the desire to be connected, to be wanted, to be loved, and to have something I don't have in real life - a partner.

and
Quote:
Would love feedback on how this is seen from the outside and with some experience in addressing porn addiction.

All SAs will have a reason why they started to act out and it will vary from individual to individual. Whichever, it will often be to fill some kind of perceived void and will usually be to try and make themselves feel better at any given point in time so you are certainly not alone in what you have said. You are at the start of your journey on RN and as you go through the process you will be provided with a lot of information by CoachJon in the lessons explaining why addiction occurs so that you can firstly understand it and then go from there to be able to find the way to remove it from your life. Your journey will cause you to do a lot of self reflection and it is a positive sign that you seem to be willing to doing that from the very start.

All the tools are here for you to make a full recovery but please feel free to post questions to your thread or in the Community Forum if there is anything you do not understand, coaches and mentors will be stopping by to check that you remain on the right track.

I wish you well on your path ahead.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2020 8:55 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Hello L2R,

Thanks for the thoughts and comments. I appreciate it. RN has been a good experience so far and I definitely look forward to continuing to develop and get to a point where the addition is behind me, and living a fuller life.

Thank you.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2020 9:11 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Lesson Three - Exercise

Values I want to live by:

Honesty
Integrity
Clear Conscience
Spiritual Principles of the 12 steps
Charity
Friendliness
Compassion
Sharing my true self with the people in my life
Showing appreciation towards others
Expressing spirituality in my day to day life
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Being Playful, youthful in spirit
Staying physically active
Being dependable
Working as part of a team
Humbleness
Sense of humor
Being considerate of others
Putting others needs before my own
Taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually
Being a role model for my family
Loving others
Being loved my others
Developing emotional maturity
Establishing financial freedom
Experiencing fatherhood
Establishing a partnership with someone
Physical health
Sexual Intimacy
Feeling sexually desired
Feeling appreciated
Feeling masculine
Passionate about life
Being recognized as an expert in my field
Feeling unconditional love
Connected to my own feelings
Connected to my own instincts and intuition
Companionship
Connecting to purpose, meaning in life
Establishing my legacy
Financial stability
Improving my social interactions
Building things
Feeling happy and content
Be known as truthful and honest


Last edited by 110054.633 on Mon Jul 20, 2020 11:31 am, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2020 9:15 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Lesson Three - Exercise

"Dark Side" values of acting out.

selfish
self absorbed
immediate gratification
objectifying others
isolation
fearful
not connected
bored
lonely
laziness


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2020 9:49 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Lesson 4 - Prioritizing Values

Clear Conscience
Honesty
Spiritual Principles of the 12 steps
Integrity
Expressing spirituality in my day to day life
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually
Humbleness
Developing emotional maturity
Establishing a partnership with someone
Connecting to purpose, meaning in life
Charity
Physical health
Sexual Intimacy
Feeling sexually desired
Feeling appreciated
Feeling masculine
Experiencing fatherhood
Being a role model for my family
Loving others
Being loved my others
Passionate about life
Companionship
Friendliness
Compassion
Sharing my true self with the people in my life
Being considerate of others
Showing appreciation towards others
Being Playful, youthful in spirit
Sense of humor
Staying physically active
Establishing financial freedom
Feeling unconditional love
Connected to my own feelings
Connected to my own instincts and intuition
Putting others needs before my own
Establishing my legacy
Financial stability
Improving my social interactions
Building things
Feeling happy and content
Be known as truthful and honest
Being recognized as an expert in my field
Being dependable
Working as part of a team


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:13 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Lesson 5 - Part A

Not sure why this exercise/lesson seems difficult. I have found myself procrastinating on completing it. i don't think it is because I am afraid or concerned about committing to the values I outlined. I want to live in a way that is consistent with those values. I don't think there are any values missing on the list regarding the values I want to live by.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 08, 2020 9:57 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:10 pm
Posts: 13
Lesson 5 - Part B

Decision: Decision to sell the house
Option 1: Sell the house.
Option 2: Keep the house
Option 3: Get a room mate
Option 4: Rent it out in the summer

Values Involved:
I feel like the value that was most involved was honesty, which is first on my prioritized list. I saw this because it took being very honest with myself about the financial toll the house was taking on me given the situation I had been in for the last several years. When I was honest with myself I knew I really liked the house, but that it was put a financial hardship on me and the equity would be able to take out given the strength of the real estate market. Honesty also came into play to know myself well enough that a room mate would be a challenge for me. Renting it out was the most likely other option. I think I just saw that as too complicated, having more risk to it, and something of a hassle. I don't see any values on my list that would line up with those thoughts so perhaps I need to consider adding one or two that reflect that thought process.


Decision: Decide to start a new business
Option 1: Do nothing
Option 2: Start it with a partner
Option 3: Start it alone

Values Involved:
A few of the values on my list that come to mind in this decision are: Financial Stability, building things, being recognized as an expert in my field, establishing financial freedom. My observations about these is that all of these are quote low on my prioritized list. I also see that may be inconsistent with financial stability, I guess depending on how successful it is. It is similar in this way to establishing financial freedom. If it is successful, it will be consistent with that value, if it is not, it will work in opposite effect of that value. So I guess the value that comes up that is not on my list is risk taking, or perhaps risk avoidance. This is a value I will have to ponder as I generally see myself as risk averse but my actions seem to say that I am willing to take risks.

Both decisions are fairly recent so I am not sure about the part of the exercise that says look at the decisions if they were made today. Both have been made within the last six months.

My overall impression is that my list may be heavy on idealistic values vs practical values.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 25 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group