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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2015 2:23 am 
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WEEKLY HEEALTH MONITORING
1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment. taking art exhibition down, working with friends. working with art club members (new friends) new challenges. e.g to learn computer skills. Friday art group. reading about artists. helping son,(talking to him about his business plans which was stressful. partner, and granddaughter. helping my wife. drawing. shopping. acts of kindness, meditation.
2.Where did most of my energy go this week ? Any trauma, stresses, emotional difficulties. Tense some of the time. difficulty doing activities in a relaxed way. Sadness of my brother and friends going home after a stay. worries about planning trips, booking trains, rooms etc. weekend still a strain (and a pleasure) looking after granddaughter and my wife is tired. Caring for her parents. we had Wednesday together was good.
3.Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Mainly good with a struggle. practicing visualisations of triggering events which is stressful, becoming slightly easier. Sitting with my emotions is helping to increase my awareness of my feelings and helping me to cope with them. I become aware of things that are important, like ideas for activities, how to help someone, priorities for jobs around the house, friends I should contact.etc.
4.Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Supporting my wife in our caring responsibilities, helping with preparations with my son and his business plans, drawing, more work with the art club, book discussion, tiding house. new cooking menus. booking trips.Would be nice to have a day together with my wife.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2015 2:29 am 
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I need to strengthen my commitment to my recovery. I am still tempted to act out, view porn, when online. I have looked briefly at sexualised images, jokey things, which are not a joke to me. Daily recovery work is helping.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 5:39 am 
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I have been reading andrewWA's recovery journal. his thoughts, honesty and sincere wish to recover have all helped me. Thanks. I have been making successful efforts to keep in touch with friends, socialising, visiting art exhibitions etc. I need to continue to improve on my confiding in my wife and brother. Daily health monitoring for, not isolating myself, contacting a friend, activities that give me a sense of value and satisfaction, helping others, small acts of kindness, confiding, reading to relax, sitting" with my emotions, anticipating any stressful occasions and planning how to cope. Tackling friction assertively. For example, I resented having to help a friend out too much, at the cost of loosing time with my wife. I discussed this with my wife and I agreed to be assertive and explain to my friend we would drop him off on the way to his home but not at the door. Small improvements make a big difference.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 1:19 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 179
WEEKLY HEALTH MONITORING
1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment. holiday short break with my wife, art group, helping relatives, child care, writing, secretary,(meeting and planning in a group) Developing new computer skills. reading,(a intellectually challenging book at times) recovery work (daily) satisfaction of success. Increased confidence, watching football, new writing group. tidying house with my wife. confided that my recovery is difficult to my wife. enjoyable walk with a friend. Helping other friend whom is having difficulties (coping in a healthy way with my emotions following this, taking time for my self to recover)

2.Where did most of my energy go this week ? Any trauma, stresses, emotional difficulties, child care and parents. stress was my wife being tired, emotional stress from her mother, worry about meeting and duties. Friday caring stress and Saturday child care. (how can I cope with this in a better way ?) take time to refresh my self encourage in a friendly way , my wife to take care of her self, not stay up too late. quality of contact with my wife, trust her to understand me.

3.Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? I managed to cope with my urges to act out better than previous week. I understand that the depth of my contact relationships with others supplies me with security and felt reasons not to act out.

4.Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? any time I am alone in the house, especially after emotional stress or having done well. Or subsuming my needs/ wishes in the wishes of others. After Mondays meeting, when my wife is asleep following her being depleted/ tired/ occupied by others. my resentment at not seeing enough of my wife, or bored by only routine activities.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2015 1:31 am 
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Hi all, I am working on lesson 51 again. This involves having an awareness of how I have used porn in the past to reward my successes , increase excitement in my lonely life, without taking the risk or making the effort to reach out to others. I am practicing understanding the function of porn, being aware on a deeper level of my emotions and how denying my important personal values harms me. A value such as I want to treat people well, including my self and not misuse the people who are involved in the production of porn. I choose not to contribute to that industry or abuse my self. This may sound intellectual, and intellectualizing is a common psychological defence of mine, but I think at the moment it is part of my attempt to be "mechanical" and not emotional in making healthy decisions. I am doing some good activities in my local community, helping to plan activities and working as part of a group, which is new satisfying, frustrating, and stimulating. I feel pleased with my self and anxious, how will I be able to deal with these new emotions ? Probably learn to.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 12:01 pm 
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Hi, I am continuing work on lesson 51. Putting my urges to act out through a decision making process. I am finding urges still problematic to deal with, of an evening when I am due to be alone. temptation to use p.c. to search for porn. But I am improving on being more in control in those first few seconds when the impulsive urge strikes. I see this point in time as crucial, I am better at making a break and then I can use my urge awareness practices. Also reading Patrick Cairnes book "The shadow of the net" again, this is also gradually helping. I am being careful and assertive about taking on extra stress, my friend has just split up from her partner. I am not taking too much responsibility while remaining helpful. all these issues seem to be about awareness (minutely) of my emotions and keeping a balance in my life between responsibilities and pleasures/ looking after my needs. I landed in this mess, in part by not taking care of my self. (reaching out to others is part of self care)It makes sense now. I don't think I have my addiction licked yet, but going well. All the best.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 5:42 am 
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Hi all, I am working on lesson 52. I had an urge to act out last night. I had already done some recovery work earlier in the day. I was still shocked by the intensity of the urge. I was in danger of acting out only my brother was in the room. this allowed me to calm down and the urge to pass. I have continued reading about reactive action plans this morning and developed my own. I have written it on a small piece of paper that I can keep with me.
The Plan;- recognise compulsive situation. "first aid" a break so I don't act out. Commit myself to a value based solution, remind my self the emotions will pass, take stimulation from my values. remind my self that even a small slip has powerful consequences. e.g. damages my commitment to recovery, knocks my confidence, in my life and recovery, damages my relationship with my wife and friends. I will try this and hopefully refine it as I go along.
I also noticed emotions in my life that were stressing me, a friend who needs extra support, her relationship has recently ended, caring responsibilities which mount up, I have begun discussing this with my wife, but there is no easy answers. We can make progress. My loneliness and need to meet friends.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 6:46 am 
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I am recording my daily health monitoring on site so I have an easily accessible record. DAILY HEALTH MONITORING 1) have a meaningful conversation with my wife. Confide in another person. 2) make contact with a friend/friends.3) Be honest and open. I have been doing this, but I am aiming to strengthen and deepen this work. Review on Sunday 20/09. I also do daily recovery work which is becoming increasingly important and regular. This includes anticipating any likely problems where I may be tempted to act out. And practicing role play to prepare for triggering situations. I am doing well at present. All the best.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 11:31 am 
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I am feeling a bit on edge. I am feeling more tempted to act out. But in the early stages, not intensely so. I saw a nude drawing last night on line, looking at some painting sites. Then I dreamt that a man who had been in a war was wanting help, for "flashbacks" but "I" (in the dream) could only help him in part. This left me anxious. I am also thinking , after reading a book on addiction, how much I used Porn to cope or avoid anxiety. I am seeing more people socially than previously, I feel this is a bit unfamiliar. I guess I would like some quieter time, perhaps to be alone. I wonder if the efforts I am making to recover are putting me under more stress and I need to just keep things stable for a few days. Rather than Feel that I have to make "progress." Stability, relaxation, are both signs I am learning. I hope this makes sense to others out there.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 11:46 am 
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Hi all, over the last 2 weeks I have been working on lesson 33 (again) which is about becoming familiar with the finite quality of feelings. [u]summery[u] I discovered that on some days I can move through a lot of different feelings, up and down and trusting that I can cope with the changes and not panic. I was particularly low when I was alone. Loneliness I find difficult, I also I had a difficult day in the middle of this week becoming pessimistic. fortunately when I am back in company, with my partner I feel comforted. I feel "weak" in admitting this. I also feel that I can develop my own strength. I have been noting my feelings in a book. But not finding much opportunities to confide in my partner. I have been assertive, maybe a bit stern in a meeting, but I was able to protect my self from taking on too much work. My partner has her parents to look after and I am managing to support her. It is still hard to see how tired she can become. I will try to post when I am experiencing the stress rather than retrospectively. I am working on remaining and improving being honest and open, awareness and coping with my emotions, (checking in with my self 5 times a day) as part of my daily health monitoring.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:53 am 
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Hi all, I have been away over the weekend for a break. That went well. Before I went I watched an t.v. programme with adult content and then mb. I have realised that I my boundaries were too vague, as I was undecided if watching this programme contravened my boundaries or not. Of course it does. Mb to relieve other emotions is against my values and boundaries. It has not been until I began my daily recovery work after my weekend break that I have noticed all this ! Over the weekend I had very little thoughts of porn as I was positively occupied with friends and activities. I am posting as that is my intention to discuss my feelings as and when they are happening, not "soldier" on alone. I will review my slip and I am using lessons 55 to help. Thanks


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 08, 2015 2:40 am 
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Hello. I am checking in to let people know how I am doing and to review my recovery work. I am abstinent. My life is going well, I am having more regular contact with friends. This is important to me, as I have said before on this forum.In the new year I am due to start a small part time job for a charity. I am aiming to give something back to the local community. I am doing daily recovery work, this post is part of that. daily work includes, contact with friends, supporting my wife, "sitting" with my feelings so I become confident in containing my feelings. Visualisation and anticipation of situations that still trigger urges. I struggle with visualisations as urges can still be difficult to resist if they catch me unaware. late at night, alone, is a typical situation. I have just remembered and re-read my proactive plan for dealing with this. I will continue to refine this. So mainly good, with some nervousness, about can I maintain this and not become complacent ? I think I can. Rational recovery ideas I also find helpful, especially the idea that I am responsible in choosing health, no-one else. And that I don't need to label my self as an addict. This is not denial but choosing to concentrate on a healthy lifestyle. Feedback welcome. Thanks all the best.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 5:43 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
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I noticed yesterday that it is a year since my last post. This year I have not done well in my recovery. I had about two months of abstinence then returning from a vacation (where I had done no recovery work) I slipped. I have continued regular slips, so now I am A.O. once a week. A relapse/ recovery cycle which reinforces my inability to cope and my "need" for porn.I am shocked and ashamed to have slipped back. I have been re-reading the first lesson. I have the beginning of an understanding about how deep the change in my self needs to be. The lesson made more sense than last time I read it. My motivation needs to come from not wanting porn in my life. Not just not wanting the negative, painful consequences from A.O. I am reconsidering my motivation. My motivation to change is the first thing I will work on. My sadness is not enough. My feelings will change, I need commitment to regular real work and change. I know that understanding is not enough, that I have to behave differently, take action. I really don't want to be writing the same words in December 2017. Thanks. Also thanks to AndrewWA whose post especially writing on honesty etc ( page 30) of his post had helped me to re-think.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 10:12 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 179
I am half way through re-doing the first lesson, the exercise about reconnecting with my self when a child. It is moving me to deepen my recovery work. I feel sad that I was both unhappy and innocent as a child. My father was very angry and violent at times. Loving at other times. Confusing and scary. It left me having difficulties making friends. Perhaps difficulty trusting others ? I can trust my long term partner now. And I can trust my friends partially.
MY VALUES
I want to use my energy to grow as a person and create a healthy happy life.
I will take care of my self and not abuse my self.
I want to be loving and available to help my partner and family and friends.
I will be honest, with my self and others.
I will be open with my opinions, ideas and behaviour.
I strengthen and support my creativity.
I will create a settled, stable and satisfying life.
My recovery is my first priority. I will behave in a way that supports this.
I am recovering to help and care for my innocent child self.
I will learn how to be present and deal with life's problems in a mature way.
I love my self and will do the best for my self. Thoughts, words and deeds.
I will enjoy my feelings in a mature way.
I will be emotionally and sexually intimate with my partner in a healthy way.
I will confide in my partner to create a mutually supportive relationship.
I will help my partner.
I will find ways to contribute to the good of my community and the world.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 6:12 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 179
I am still working on my vision. I will post some of it soon. Last night the depth and sincerity of change needed to recover a healthy enjoyable life really hit home. I was shaken by my realisation and therefore sad and worried. I have not left it there. This morning I have continued to work on my vision and ways of implementing it practically. All the best, I hope the vacation went well for all. I managed the demands and enjoyments of the vacation, elderly in laws to look after, adult son and partner arguing (they are doing well now) Using action plan for urge management going okay. I need to make it stronger.More automatic.


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