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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 6:09 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
To introduce my self. I have "done" this course twice and not achieved health. I have learnt things on the way. I have had problems with compulsive sexuality earlier in my life from mid twenties onwards, in getting drunk and visiting prostitutes. Since 2008 I have been to addicted to pornography. My life has been unhealthy and out of balance. I became "burntout" in my job. Not organising enough support around me, not keeping contact with friends or developing enough healthy hobbies and interests.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 6:11 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
MY VISION17/12/16
I would like to be free from addiction. I will be free. But to achieve health will take further other steps forward. I want to have friendships and be comfortable and trusting within them. Perhaps different friendships for my different interests ? Walks, poetry, painting, new interests I might try. climate change, study, writing, meditation, having fun. not forgetting it is important for me to do things that I enjoy and feed my sense of healthy pleasure.

I will practice talking to others, sharing time together. Having my share of input into the conversation.
being assertive when I need to be. expressing my thoughts and feelings kindly and honestly and powerfully when necessary.

I want to be courageous. So that I can stand up for my rights and wishes when needed to. Not leaving that conflict to others. Not avoiding conflict.
I want to read books.
I want to be kind and help people but not become overwhelmed or unhappy myself.
Not try to be Ghandi, more like an “ordinary Joe.” So realistic and compassionate goals for me.

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP
My intimacy sensitivity are coming back, sensitivity to people is returning. I am determined to protect, nurture and strengthen, this part of my character. This aspect of my character is very important to me. At the moment I am more aware of what I had lost, how I had become less sensitive to my self and others. I feel sad about this.

I will become aware each day of my level of sensitivity, connectedness to others and my self. I will take action if I don’t “keep the channels open” to my self and others.
Daily monitor and work Plus using “pages” which is free writing in a journal, practicing listening and confiding.
Time to my self.

CREATIVITY Is very important to me. I will develop my autonomy so I can protect regular time to be creative. Including joining local groups.

AUTONOMY I want to be able to be active in the world. Make my own decisions and take responsibility for my life.




FRIENDSHIP
I am often lonely especially wanting a person to confide in. My partner (understandably) is not always available. I want to improve my ability to confide in her and other friends. Mutual support.

FUN keep an eye on my balance between “shoulds” and activities I enjoy. Take steps to rigth the imbalance.

MAKING A DIFFERENCE
Contribute to local and wider politics and campaigns

SPIRITUALITY
Again important to me. I want to practice meditation within a group and individually. develop compassion for my self and others.

COMPASSION practical ways to be kind. Also being kind to my self.

EMOTIONS learn to manage my emotions especially at times of stress. seek help from others, confide. Take note of my feeling overwhelmed and seek support/ strategies to help. Develop my understanding and ability to benefit from my emotions. Even enjoy them even the difficult one, such as boredom, loss, fear, worry. Cope with them in a mature healthy way.

NEW LEARNING
Perhaps seek out new activities, join new groups, expand my comfort zone by facing initial discomfort.

COMMITMENT TO CHANGE
real deep sincere not alone.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2017 6:22 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
Last night alone in the house for a second night I had a "near miss." I was tempted to act out. There has been a recent bereavement in the family. So I feel stressed. I coped well the previous night my guard was down a bit last night. I thought about my values but did not actually read my list, an obvious mistake I can see now. I notice there were a number of compulsive elements happening. Isolation, disappointment that my partner was not coming home when I expected her to. My overeating, candy etc. Postponing mb. Urge increasing in intensity. What did help was Free writing about what I was feeling twice over the day. S.O.B.E.R. Stop, observe, breath, expand awareness, and respond. The last step is to do something. I used my back up plan and left the room. My urge continued to increase in intensity until I scanned t.v. for an adult film, fortunately I did not find one. I was able to leave the room again. What I would do differently next time. Actually read my values. anticipate and plan for a difficult night, mb earlier as this can defuse the ritual. Take warning signs more seriously, act sooner, maybe phone someone for contact. Thanks. Any comments welcome. Other areas in my life are improving. I am making new friends, meditating, becoming more active in the community. Urge control is the foundations of my recovery. I will re-read urge awareness lessons.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 3:22 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
Last week was difficult following on from the bereavement in the family, my wife injured her shoulder and has been in intense pain. She is gradually improving and pain management is working better. We have both been stuck inside, mostly. I have been able to do some creative work, once I got over my head cold. In the middle of this I lost my temper with my son. I mistakenly thought he was adding stress to my wife. I think we have sorted it out. I certainly apologised sincerely.I've continued work on my values. Identified that I want a stronger more satisfying relationship with my son amongst other things. I am intending to contact him weekly and be available to help him as he looks for a new job. Recovery is still my priority and I am managing to keep this in mind. I have found Andrew W.A 's thread useful again. Thanks W.A Have I got the letters the right way ?. All the best.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2017 3:33 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
MY PRIORITISED LIST OF VALUES
1)I want to improve my r/s with my son.
By phoning him at least once per week. Making time in the week to help him, be with him. e.g. job search, picking up M, etc. Taking an interest in his life. (enjoyments, stresses, etc) Be kind to him.

2)I want to strengthen my r/s with my wife.
Work together to support her mother. To improve our house. Have times when we talk, share experiences/ creativity.
Discuss a weekly date with her.
social time together.

3)Be able to cope with my emotions in a mature and healthy way. Connecting to my own feelings.

4)Sharing my true self with the world (outgoing reaching out, honesty)
5) Develop sustained friendships. Developing new friendships and deepening the ones I have.
6)Strengthening my role as a grandfather.
7)Honesty
8)Being tenacious in pursuit of my creativity (in a relaxed enjoyable way with minimal anxiety)
9)Strengthening my role with my brother
10)Having fun, being playful
11)Expressing my spirituality in day to day life.
12)being considerate of others
13)Being considerate of my self.
14)Contributing to my community and the world to improve it.
15) Loving others being loved by them.


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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 4:42 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
I have not posted since February 2017. Over this time I have been able to abstain from porn for periods but have regularly lapsed and acted out for brief times. I am sad that porn is still such a big problem in my life. I think my motivation and determination to recover has increased. I can't do recovery by my self. So I am back on site. hopefully with more humility. I am working on urge awareness and management, lesson 48, planning schedules for my day, so I am active, with friends, being healthy and anticipating risk situations, using coping plans. It takes a lot of energy, but continual "slips" take the most energy and I feel undermined and discouraged when I do slip. Thanks


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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 6:41 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3326
Location: UK
Hi GL

Quote:
To introduce my self. I have "done" this course twice and not achieved health.

I have watched the London Marathon many times but I have never run it!

achieving health requires total commitment, dedication, effort training and the will to do so
RN is simply a guide, doing the course will not do it for you, that needs to come from within you

Quote:
I have not posted since February 2017. Over this time I have been able to abstain from porn for periods but have regularly lapsed and acted out for brief times. I am sad that porn is still such a big problem in my life.


Please realise and accept that you do have the ability to make the choices
you do not have to or need to act out
what do you get from doing so?
SFA! except guilt and shame

You have seen it all before, there is nothing there to glorify


Quote:
I think my motivation and determination to recover has increased. I can't do recovery by my self.


you think or you know?show it prove it, not to this community but to yourself
you can do it, it is not easy and there will be times when you believe its too difficult, but believe me its not

look at the positives by far outweighing the negatives

Quote:
It takes a lot of energy, but continual "slips" take the most energy and I feel undermined and discouraged when I do slip.


Channel all of your energy into your recovery, choose now and choose wisely
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 7:44 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
Thanks kenzo, for your honest and accurate words. I especially agree with, that I have to prove my better motivation, to my self. And that I can recover and make wise choices. The London Marathon image was spot on. I've got to do the miles. But I do have support, from my wife and brother, and other friends. It still comes down to me to do the miles.


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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 4:40 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
I have been away for a couple of days on a course. There was a t.v. in my hotel room with adult channels. I was able to resist. I wanted to resist. There are more positives in quitting porn. No positives in remaining addicted.


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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 7:09 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 73
Hi Green leaves,

I can see in your prioritized list of values that there are a lot of them that I can also reckon with and would want to include as a pillar too.
They can also be used to prevent slips from happening. Like you mentioned, when there are opportunities to act out, look through your list again and see what can be useful to you (eg. writing, calling a loved one, taking a walk).
For me, I have tried to make use of some of these values to provide me with a 'cooling off' period to reassess the situation. For example, when I am triggered to look at porn, I will change into my jogging gear and go for a jog to clear my head.
Keep on roleplaying the proactive plans to prevent the slips from happening.
Best Wishes. :g:


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PostPosted: Sat May 27, 2017 7:02 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
Hi, and thanks healzen. I have just read your encouragement and comments. I am focusing my work on when I am triggerd to act out. I have noticed that when feelings become intense, quickly, I'm better able to do something rather than think. So I have modified my plan to include leaving the room, and as You do I could also leave the house. (it is Summer) I am mentally rehearsing this plan. I will also be exploring mindfulness to help me tolerate emotions. I am staring this in a small way, taking 5 minutes twice a day to notice how I am feeling. Connecting with friends and supporting my partner are also in my plan. I have been away for a few days, with friends and I managed to abstain from adult material on the T.V. So I intend to carry on.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2017 5:39 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
Hi, I am keeping in touch with the group as part of my recovery plan. I have had a cold recently and a few stresses, people needing financial help, a friend who decided to stop (at short notice ) a class he was running. Things I could use as an excuse to A.O. but I won't. I am at the familiar stage where I feel less stressed about my porn addiction. And therefore a bit more potentially vulnerable to A.O. I am determined to support my recovery. By doing the lessons, keeping a check on my emotions, anticipating any high risk situations. It is working at the moment. I'll remind my self of my values, I think that could help. Regards to everyone.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2017 10:04 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3326
Location: UK
Hi GL

An observation that you might want to consider (or not)

Your focus appears to be on not acting out, that is OK but perhaps more positivity could achieved by shifting the emphasis away from not doing towards doing
i.e. towards change rather than abstinence
towards recovery
just a thought
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2017 8:29 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
Hi kenzo, your advice is exactly right. Thanks for your considered thought. I think that I needed to make my urge awareness etc "water tight" But the best way to support my values is for me to be with healthy people doing activities that I value and am valued in. I have felt rather apathetic lately, but I am coming out of that by working at being honest with my self and my partner. I find confiding in her when I feel vulnerable difficult. I keep practicing. And I do need to find new activities, as an art class I was going to, has folded. A vision for the rest of my life is needed. I don't think that I have to start from scratch. But I have to learn to be with people and feel reasonably comfortable. I have begun to look for opportunities, such as inviting new friends round for a meal. All the best.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 5:41 am 
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 3:40 pm
Posts: 176
Hi, I am posting so I can keep an eye on my progress and what I have to continue to do. I have made an effort recently to remain connected to other people and do things that give me satisfaction and build life skills and confidence. More particular I have helped a friend who had trouble at work. I made the effort to go to a writing group in order to meet new people. I enjoyed this group and found it stimulating. I am checking in with my self and health monitoring my openness to others. Slow progress in this area. Especially when I feel embarrassed or vulnerable. I am tackling problems as they arise, learning to be assertive and I think building a life that I want to live. Even though there are, as ever, tasks in it, I don't enjoy. That's part of life. So good stuff. All the best to people on the site. And thanks for you help.


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