Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Aug 19, 2018 5:44 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 114 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 5:04 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
On sept 26th I wrote in my thread that I was an alcoholic. I decided to start abstinence. I broke this abstinence end of november. I thought I had found an healthy relation with alcohol.

Since then my consumption has increased, and I had several uncontrolled consumption moment (last one was this tuesday ). It gave me shame and frustration. I do not respect my own boundaries about alcohol.

I have a problem. Tomorrow I will go to an AA meeting.

I consider until now situations where alcohol would create a potential unhealthy sexual behaviors. My problem is definitively wider. I do not want to learn by mistake on this issue. I am alcoholic.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2017 2:40 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
It is one year now since my first post to RN. One year ago I decided to change. One year later I am still on move. Change is a permanent movement. One year ago I wrote that I had the feeling to just follow the stream of the life, without deciding anything. One year later this change and this movement is really mine.

I started RN to get a method, a guideline for recovery. With time, my relation to RN has changed, I really feel part of a community. We do not know each others, and I do not post that much in Forum, but I can tell you how much post from others SA or partners may be inspiring and helpful to continue my development.

One year later I would like to say thanks to RN community.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 3:50 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
I just came back from my AA weekly meeting. AA method is "do not drink for twenty four hours", one day after another. It reminds me a post I wrote this morning: one step after another.

I can say I am poly addicted, and I transfered to alchohol addiction what I lost in SA. Once I stopped alchohol, the frequency and intensity of sexual thought re-increased.

Before my AA meeting I told to myself: today I did not think about smoking, I did not want to drink alchohol but I had maybe 10 sexual triggers.

For 1 week I did not write in my little notebook. That s not good, and most probably it explains why I feel frustrated at the moment. Maybe I spent too much of my energy about my job, not enough in developing others pillars, and I did not generate enough self esteem in my past behavior. factually I did not have unhealthy behaviors, and I never let the complacency get installed. But despite of that I feel frustration. I noted to myself this morning to express everyday what I succeed, what I did. I will have to reconsider my actions plan ambition to understand why I generate frustration.

Concerning sexual triggers, I can not avoid them. OK this I assume and I am aware that it is finite emotion. the frequency has dercreased a lot in the past (alchohol most probably contributed). But I confess that the frequency of such triggers worry me. I have sometime the feeling to be back 6 month ago. And this is frustrating.

I must accept that most probably my alchoholic problem has hidden me others issues. By removing alchohol, these issue become visible. I must work on it, step by step...

One step after another...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 4:14 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
Last night I have been awake with intense and urgent sexual thought...
Last week end I lost my temper in front of my famiy...
Yesterday, while running, I have no memories about the path. I just heard this inner voice...
Yesterday I overeact with frustraton because of a disagreement on work methodology with my boss...

All these are bad signals, unhealthy signs.

The problem is that I really do not know what is my problem. I did not act in unhealthy way, but frequency and intensity of such signs really worry me.

I searched in RN method something that could help to reconsider my situation. In the "daily monitoring template" I found an interesting question: " What are the most important decision I made today where I used my emotion to guide me?"

And I think to myself: I took most of my decision based on an emotion... When I feel frustrated or anxious, this is a message for me. It means I am doing something in a wrong way. But it does not mean that I used immediate gratification as a principle to rebalance my emotion.

For example I felt frustrated at work. This generate anxiosity (I would say a kind of pain). So I decided to do something else to remove the stress of the moment: I ran but it did not succeed to remove inner voice, I decided to offer myself a diner in good condition with a book. I called my wife. The anxiety has decreased. Before to sleep I looked video (trailer of movies). This activity did not generate psoitive value on me, and I even felt gult (I felt complacent in my procrastination). Then I decided to read. I found peace and decided to sleep. I fall asleep easily. During night (I did not look what time) I am awaken. I feel a mosquito. I do not remember why but my thought moved to sexual image. I feel aroused. I am aware of this I decid to make a break very quickly. I feel bad about the intensity of the image. I moved to a positive image about natre and running. But soon my thought turn back to my job issue, then to sex, the, to job. it is very short time each time. I stay aware about this and I feel guilt.I finally succeed to calm down and tunr back to sleep, with positive image (nature, running, my kids...). When I woke up I feel bad about that night, but I decide to move forward. I enjoy a good breakfast, and I start my work. Later I give a phone call to my boss. I thought wbout what happen, and I explain quietly my point. We both admit that frustration was too strong yesterday and another approach will have to be considered. I do not know if he is honnest, but I am that is the most important.

So here I describe a emotional chain. I assume that I took decision based emotion. Emotion is a message. I thank it is important to listen to them. My answers to these emotions is not driven by immediate gratification or minimisation:
> first I try to regain stability, to remove the stress. I can see that some actions are effcients, some actions are not efficients. For example Running, and I love so much running, is not an efficient way to remove stress.
> than I can move forward according my value : I contacted my boss, and I explained my point of view, I have admited what was wrong on my side and I listen to him. SELF ESTEEM + HONESTY + LISTENING... my values. And I know that I can not change my boss if he does not want!!!

Tonight I have been to AA. It was helpful to tell others members "I do not feel good these days". Then we share freely about how every body deals with his own triggers. Everybody faces the same issues, and everybody confirms the same way to fight urge : create the break, and create value in our life. It was helpful, and this open and honnest makes this session really great.

Later I called my wife. She is really afraid about the fact that I lost my temper last sunday. She worries about these signs, the fact that I am anxious, that I overeact. I feel so sorry to reactivate pain to her. I have no solution. But I can move forward, I can continue to give big attention to my emotion, and focus on the fact to give attention to the others, to not hurt them...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:23 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
I just came back from a long break (4 weeks). I spent 4 excellent week, mainly in Italy, with the whole family. It was very good holidays. I involved myself in the preparation. It is an healthy experience.

Summer was a period of crisis too for both of us, because of how I behave during previous summers. We handled with my partner these peaks.

The guilt helps me to stay very positive and involved. I lost once my temper, and I really regret it, especially my inability to say "I am sorry" immediately.

I did not post, but I checked several time RN, and I have been inspiring by the following quote from Kenzo on the forum
Quote:
what did I get out of it?
momentary high that constantly needed feeding further
what else guilt and shame in abundance
so how can that make sense


As indicated in the previous post, I still suffered from unhealty sexual thought. It is not permanent but regularly triggered. For example last time was due to a book I read. It lates few days. It happens generally during a "pre wake up" period, or sometime when I feel bored (while driving for example). The temptation to become complacent is high, and I need to break the ritual. I stay aware.

In parallel my alcoholic sobriety and my work on this addiction (this is far easier addiction to control for me!), helps me to understand how a drug works...
I was at this stage in my thought when I read the post from Kenzo.

Unhealty sexual behaviors was my drug. It offered to me "momentary high". And in some circumstance, I miss this, as the old junkie I am.
My unhealty sexual thought are like junkie memories. And I need to stay focus.

It does not excuse anything, and more than ever I need to take care to not become complacent. But it is useful understanding of the mechanism...

Then... if sex is a drug should I stop sexual activity?

I think I understand that there is a difference between sex and intimacy.

Yes there are sexual behaviors, that provides me "momentary high", that I will definitively stopped. Like alchohol. This has no sense, this is destructive, this just bring guilt and shame.

But I won't stop my work to redefine what intimacy means for me. It is time to move forward on lesson 39 and to share about it now (it is what I planned to do with a sexotherapist in a first time).


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2017 6:32 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
Nearly 3 month I did not post anything in my personal thread. I maintain awareness by a daly check of RN forum, and by adding few personal comment (at least once a week) to my personal notebook.

One month ago we went to our psy with my partner. It was our third visit (we started in june). It has been helpful for our couple I think. We have developed better communication ritual, able to implement a peaceful time for mutual listening. It is good for self confidence.

Tonight I am in business trip. My partner is worried, so do I. I understand her worry. It is justified. I have no fear, but I need to keep a lot of awareness, and preparation.

Business trip has been synonym of porn, drunk party, acting out or prostitution. Business trip are not pleasant for me. It is full of triggers. the "junky" is triggered. I started to speak to him, each he woke up. it helps.

At the moment, there is no one day without having to control the "junky". with more or less intensity, but no day without having to work. 2 years after D-days.

I stopped to smoke 1 year ago, I am triggered very rarely. I stopped to drink 6 month ago, I am triggered very rarely too. I wish it would be the same for SA.

But I change, I changed a lot. I notice for example that I control better my temper in case of frustration. I accept the frustration. This is a true and positive change. Life with my family, time shared with my wife, involvement in day to day life, in project are a source of achievement in my life currently. So I am sure, this is really the good way, and the healthy way.

My wife would like us to debreif about our couple situation. We plan to dedicate a speciall moment for that by end of the week.

I wanted to post this evening, to review my actions plan. I need to debreif for myself too.

So last june I wrote:

MAINTAIN SELF ESTEEM

1.1. REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
Communication with my wife, give attention, materially and emotionally to her
Do not lie and communicate clearly.
To contribute to the day to day life, to support home burden
Start the couple workshop.
Organize family and couple project
>>> a lot of improvement in communication. My ability for listening has improved. I am not in defensive mode while listeining. But I still feel guilt, and when I feel guilt I still feel that I am protecting my SA side. We did not go very far in couple workshop. The 3 sessions with therapist were very positive, especially for communication ritual. definitively. But it is just foundation. Probably it is time to work on a vision for the couple.

1.2. DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
Share about my goals, values, boundary
Be honest about my goal achievement, boundaries respect
Be honest about my stress level, my fears
Respect my commitment, assume the consequence
Be proactive, anticipate stressful situation
Apply for every aspect of life the tools I have learnt to control my emotion (anticipation, emotion awareness and decision making process)

>>> The decision, my decision, to stop to drink is something very important for me. Maybe for the first time I clearly update my boundary really by myself. I learnt directly from a mistake. Alchohol was like a starting point in most of my ritual (all?). Temptation for alchohol, risky situation with alchohol is a clear trigger that I am going to break a very important boundary. It brings a lot of esteem to myself. Concerning SA, it is present every day in my life Intensity of thought may be more or less intense, depending of my emotional balance I suppose. I experiment with success te fact to talk to the "junky" each time that I am triggered. IT decrease dramatically the intensity. But it does not bring answer about the place of those thought in my life. At this stage I really consider myself as an old junky, and these thought, even the smallest, brings me a lot of guilt. I feel I built healthy foundation, but in parallel I still feel I am under recovery. I keep awareness. I do not hide myself that the little note book is essential, as the daily check of RN Forum. the weekly AA meeting is a good support system too.

1.3. PROTECT MY FAMILY
Take care of my family (materially and emotionally)

>>> My wife often says to me that I am lucky to be free of my time. What she means, that for example when I am in business trip, I do not care about family arrangement (like carry kids to school, activties, housework...). Recently, I did a very poor arrangement during a business trip (I posted about that in Forum). I really did not consider my family while arranging a business trip, and I did it without care. Really. Once I understood it, I felt very very bad, very guilty. Basically I am an egoist person. Maybe I have excuse from my education, but I am vary selfish. More recently my wife had a surgery. I did not anticipate the help she would need the next week. lack of empathy. Finally I did well this week, I really involve myself with kids, house, cooking... staying in home office. this experience gives me a lot of satisfaction... but I was not proactive. And basically I did not continue the weeks after... So this is clearly a value that may contribute a lot to self esteem, but I am clearly not at this stage a personn who care. I need to monitor this value.

1.4. TO NOT DEPRESS
Continue to communicate with my friend(s)
Review my stress balance honestly
My relation with parent is really a problem for me.
>>> I am taking care of any frustration. I communicate about them (and not only to my wife, I can discuss my frustration with colleague, friends...). Concerning my parent, I invite them for diner recently (without my wife). I think they do not care. They acn be friendly people, they defintively do not care. That is where come from my reference. At least this meeting enable me to remove a frustration.


DEVELOPPED A BALANCED LIFE
2.1. COMMIT MYSELF TO HEALTHY LIFE
To continue to work on my remaining fears and to replace them by awareness,
To tell my wife I love her, to tell her the sense of my love,
>>> I did not say "I love you" for a while (I tell it more frequently to my children). IT is a topic to discuss. As for intimacy, I think I am afraid to hurt her, something reminding the past, something that would sound false.


2.2. SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILDREN
Be very present in their education
Make them feel confident about the new life in France
Organize activities, spend time with them, together and individually
>>> A huge source of inspiration...

2.3. KEEP HEALTHY
Run, hike.
Find activity to temper my emotion
work at home 1 to 2 times per week.
Seek opportunity for support in France.
>>> Trial running is very impotant for me. I confess it is an immediate gratification activity. But I regulate it: I practise only when I have nothing else more important to do. I suppose this activity provide me a kind of challenge, and an opportunity to escape. For example I do not partcipate to much to competition (my wife recently discovered this pleasure). Home office 1 to 2 time per week bing me a lot of balance. I live better any frustration at work because of that. It enable me a better distance, and I am proud to find new concentration abilities. It enables me to spend more time with my children and share intimacy with my partner.


2.4. BUILD A HOUSE (a sweet home!)
Involve myself in developing a “house” in France.
Involve myself in burden, implement a time management to support burden.
Plan the modernization of our countryside house within 3 month
>>> Very symbolic, I continue to be an actor in this project. I am less DIY man (for spring 2018 I have a project), but I am really active, and this is an opportunity to create something in common with my wife. This little house has big sense for us.

2.5. DEVELOP MY PROFESSIONAL SKILLS
Developp my key skills, assume I am a specialist
Enlarge my confort area, especially by developing collaborative management
Apply method learnt in recovery to seek for emotional control
>>> I started to update my resume... in case of. For 3 month I found a new enery at work. I would not say I am fascinating by m job, but I fell professional. I miss realization at this stage, and maybe I should change of organization... It is something to continue to monitor


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:25 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
Last night, at weekly AA meeting we shared about "Relapse".
Relapse, slip prevention is from my point of view in the center of the daily monitoring.
It seems that this point was shared by all people around the table. Even if we have different words, different method, we all stay connected with our addiction daily. By attending meeting, by meditating, by writing, by reading...
Does it mean we are still addicted? Does it mean we are addicted to recovery? Does it mean we are just abstinent struggling with our addiction? Does it mean we fear, we avoid?
I do not think, we have a good life now, and no one want to return to addiction. All people around the table decided to be abstinent, but most of all they decided to change their life. They decided to build an healthy life. That is the point.
For all people the frequency and the intensity of urge is very low or nearly non existent anymore. We are all aware about triggering situation, and we need to work on it (not just simply avoiding). We agree on this.
So maybe it is really a "disease approach" (sick once, sick always), but this daily work enable to maintain, to protect the healthy life. That is part of the decision making process.
And by the way, I think that to work on relapse prevention, consist in filling the emptiness with healthy life, a rebuilt life based on value.
It takes time, and it is a daily hygiene.
I will not compare AA approach with RN and in my case Alcoholic urges have far less intensity than SA thought may still have. But the fact to share, honestly, with others, is really helpful.
Honestly, I am not completely satisfied with this. It works, it is efficient, but I think I could develop more maturity. I really would like to reduce more the frequency of sexual thought, the presence of SA voice. I will review few RN lesson (especially about the place of addiction in my life, about my core identity) in the coming days to maybe find new inspiration.

Merry christmass to all :)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 4:44 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
Not too late to wish Happy and Healthy New Year...

Last week, an AA members who celebrated his birthday, asked me to moderate the meeting. I have been very touched by this request.
The meeting attracted more people than usual. Others members, but partners and families invited by this man. I was impressed and I did my best to moderate the meeting.
The man really impressed and inspired me. since the start of his recovery, he write a book, his personal story and experience with addiction. year after year, he revisit the story, with the only concern to be absolutely honnest, to not forget, to try to understand... and every year, he read this story, to the people who attend to the meeting, including his parent, sister, mother and father.
Of course There were a lot of emotions during this meeting. True emotion and every people had the opportunity to express it.
This confession inspired me for several reason:
Should I revisit factually and regularly my story? should I write it?
I found the initiative of this man very courageous : absoluetly honnesty and a clear way to separate himself form addiction
Would I be able of such initiative? I am thinking seriously about that...

I am not addicted to my recovery, but awareness system is working in background daily. And by the way, I have weekly ritual like to assess my emotional balance every week or check RN post several time per week. weekly AA meeting, even if I do not speak too much about my SA (but I do not hide this is my biggest issue) is very important too. It helps to keep aware. I still have sexual triggers (generally when I am importunately wake up during night). It is ugly, but it exists. I take the right decision for me now. It is not easy, it is not difficult... maybe that's life. Behind all these personal works, there is another quest, to understand. Understand when does it start, understand the role sex addiction had for me. I did this job through RN lesson, but vision is better and better. That is why the AA members really inspired me... I will continue to think about that (and I will continue)

Most important, I build my life. I feel proud of my achievement. last week end I learnt my younger daughter to swim and I manage friday and saturday alone with my children while my wife had a personal trip. I did not play "super daddy" but we just had simple activities. With my wife we start to really project us, we have just bought a house and we took a credit for the next 25 years. It is something that we could not imagine 1 year ago. I am pro active in our life: I prepare activities, holidays, works. We share better. We communicate better. I am far to be perfect, I accept more easily the reproach. At work I managed in a better way my frustration, actually my current job is not that bad and offer me confort, and I decided to start to look for others opportunities (I have already appointment). I increase a little bit my training session (try to catch 4H/week) in order to partcipate to a 70km trail by september.
As negative point, I did not sort the situation with my parent. We had no contact for christmas and new year. It hurts me sometime. I put on the side for the moment, I have no solution for this...

I am on business trip tonight, alone in a hotel. I like this moment as opportunity to post on RN. For me, for the community...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:34 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3618
Location: UK
Hi B
Quote:
Should I revisit factually and regularly my story? should I write it?
I found the initiative of this man very courageous : absoluetly honnesty and a clear way to separate himself form addiction
Would I be able of such initiative? I am thinking seriously about that...


my thoughts are to use every tool in the box that can help

a major part of recovery is discovery and that needs reflection
stay on track my friend

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 2:06 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
Hi Kenzo,

Thanks for your post. I stay on the track in the sense that my determination for recovery and for change is stronger day after day. That’s a point I am sure.

Recovery is/remains every day job for me. There is no day without thinking about my addiction. Triggers are still present, and I use all tools I learnt, and I continue to learn, to take an healthy decision. That’s my life in recovery. I am proud of my life now. But there is no day without feeling shame for what I did, what I may think when I am triggered. There is no day about analyzing myself. Most of this work occurs in my head. It is not obsessional, more and more like an automatic background job (I found this expression in a lesson). It is not an obstacle to build my life. It helps to take decision. I won’t turn back.

I shared with my wife about this idea to write my story (put on paper my reflection about my life during addiction). She told me about forgivness (it match very well your current post in Forum), if it can help to forgive myself, it may be a good idea. For her, she will judge myself only on present act. So she will not take into account to judge myself. The point is about forgiveness. I can only forgive what I did to myself. I had no clear idea about what is forgiveness (and the recent post on forum shows me it is still the case).

Then I had the idea to write this as a letter for my parent. I have no contact with my parents for several month. Even for Christmas, we have not been in touch. My parent are afraid, my parent can not manage emotion. And I feel unable to communicate with them at the moment. I would not feel honest. It is painful for me. I love them. It is sad because they do not even make the effort for their gran children to enter in contact with me (they prefer no contact thatn the risk of negative emotion...). This situation is really painful and until now I had no idea how to process. Simply act in total honestly with myself : I have nothing against you, but I can act as if nothing happen. I understood that I never had a communication equal to equal with them.

So the idea of a confession letter came. I pre-wrote this letter. I shared the idea with my wife. I won’t do without her agreement. I will read her the final version. I plan to discuss this idea with my best friend and with a psychologist by end of this week.

With this letter, and because it is to my parent, I explore my past, the source and the origin of my addiction. I do not want them to understand my situation, but at least I want them to know why our relation is at this stage from my point of view. By doing this I feel I can move forward to the forgiveness process. This “no relation” with my parent is painful definitively. I can not let it go. I can not be sure of how they react, but I think I will be able to forgive myself.

This is in process, I will probably give an update through my thread. My decision making process is long, I do not trust my instinct, I am prudent. I am determined as well. Hopefully I have people to share with, and I am able now to trust people.

I think I could say that I keep on the track, but I discover the path step after step. This is hard sometime, but so interesting at the end to assume my life. It requires time and energy. Most probably I am not mature, but I am determined to change, to grow.

I would like to thanks you again Kenzo, for your contribution to reflection (direct or indirect).


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:18 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3618
Location: UK
Hi B
Quote:
I am proud of my life now

:g: :g: :g:
that is great but please do beware complacency
remember where you were, how you felt and compare those feelings with the present
good isn't it
well done you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 6:25 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
Today a conjunction of 2 things that really bothered me.

1. Every week, I spent 2 days in spain for a project. Local team is used to invite me to a restaurant for lunch. In the restaurant there is a waitress that I find attractive. I am aware of that. I can not really explain why. Maybe it is normal, but I do not want to enter in a ritual. So I stop any ritual, think about something else. And that's it. No fantasy, and stopper at every temptation to scan. This is easy to block.

2. One of my colleague like to joke with her. Considering topic 1, I do not feel confortable. So I decide to not insist about joke. At end of lunch, as he knows I like to run, he said to me that she likes to run too and he could propose her. I switch to something else. But I feel unconfortable. The fantasy machine try to start. It is boring.

It is not a urge (very easy decision making), it is not risky situation, but I find very terrible to have such little voice in my head, to have this machine to produce fantasy that restart so easily. It bother me, and give me big shame and guilt. I do not stand such thought.

I write it because it was important for me. I write it because the conjunctions of the 2 triggers increased the intensity of the fantasy. I write it because I feel guilt to still have this ability to see opportunities, it is painful. I write it because it disturbs me. I write it because I am not fully satisfied of myself and I still wonder why.

I think what disturbs me is the fact that I stopped the ritual by escape, not by saying my colleague that his words made me uncofortable. I have the feeling to not have stopped the ritual in the good way. It is like my abstinence with alcohol. I feel far more confortable after saying that I do not drink alcohol than to find an excuse to not drink. But in the context, I found socially more difficult to do, and the anxiety push me to an easier solution (excuse, escape...).

It reminds me the lessons about decision making process. I will have a look again...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 2:15 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
My last post has created confusion in my couple during the week end. My wife, I told her about my thought and this post on wednesday, checked my thread on last Friday. She has been worried about what I said. When she reads that I found a waitress “attractive”, she had a big pain, jealousy… But she told me only on Sunday morning, and by the way, I did not talk to her about my post anymore.

By the way, I would like to explain what I mean by “attractive”. I wrote this post to help me to understand an issue. I wrote in same time than I think. And I think it helped.

I did not find this personn attractive, in a healthy way. I would not imagine to develop relation with her, to spend my life with her. I do not admire her. I understand what it means to admire someone, male or female, and to want to develop a relation. For my wife this is the meaning of "attraction", and I agree with her. And I agree the word was not used with its healthy full sense.

My thought was purely sexual. Seeing this person has release sexual thought. I identified and I blocked these thought immediately. As L2R posted, I stopped my thought by considering my value, boundaries and the long term consequence of such behaviors.

The pain I had was not about struggling with my compulsive behavior, but was about the shame to remember what I did, who I was in my SA life. The awareness and the ability to stop immediately behaviors, does not avoid shame or guilt.

In the previous post I highlight my incomfort about begin twice triggered. I still confirmed that I should have show my disagreement to my colleague in order to assume my identity. This is something I learnt.

Beyond this language problem, I can see that my communication skills are still weak. I told to my wife about my trouble, but I have been unable to bring her confort. Still lack of empathy. Second thing, while reading other threads and lesson (thanks L2R!), I have the feeling that the shame and guilt are for me more important than the satisfaction to have succeed. I will focus my reflection on that.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:39 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 244
Hi Bovary,

I have found your recent posts interesting to read and am grateful for your positive feedback.

I posted to my own thread last week that I felt like I was turning a bit of a corner when I realised that a non-SA would find another woman very attractive and may even have inappropriate thoughts about her but would immediately overlay his values and stop that line of thinking, all in a split second. I realise that I am now doing the same but I have been beating myself up about having those thoughts in the first place. I realise now though that what is more important is that I stopped those thoughts and moved on. The non-SA would not be analysing themselves as we are because we are just more sensitive to it at the moment. Also, when we describe our thought process (as I have just done here for myself) it makes it sound like I am spending half an hour picturing myself having sex with this woman but it is a process that occurs in a fraction of a second. That does not come across like that when you write it down and I can appreciate why your wife might misunderstand what you are trying to say.

But two things occur to me to feed back to you with this, firstly your action plans worked and you stopped yourself thinking about this woman despite your colleague trying to re-engage you with it. Secondly, you had the courage to discuss this with your wife and to be honest and transparent with her which is not always easy to do.

Please try and take the positives out of what you are posting on here, you are doing really well and should not forget that. Before this workshop you would perhaps have made different choices with this woman, that is progress so keep moving forwards!

_________________
L2R

"Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 7:47 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 130
Thanks L2R for your very positive feedback. What you write sounds correct. Objectively, even if it requires a daily job around emotional awareness, the SA behaviors are not in my life anymore. But it requires awareness, and to not minimize any kind of emotional signal. I consider that I am still immature in term of emotional management. To highlight those few seconds, those very short thought, is a way to develop, I hope, better skills in term of emotion management. And to monitor the complacency.

I have seen this morning on the forum the question about the "inappropriate thought". Excellent question.

I think to myself, and I can give 2 differents examples of inappropriate thought I had very recently.

Few minutes ago, I got a very short frustration moment while I was in hurry and the car in front of me was slow. I start to insult the guy in my thought. The traffic restart and the thought has disappear. The only jerk there was me. This thought is totally stupid and inappropriate. I can tell to the world that I was stupid. The immediate gratification would have been to answer to my frustration by shooting to the guy. Most probably this would not happen. This never happen to me to act this way. I feel stupid, a little bit shame. But it is only thought…

Last night, I woke up (I do not know why). I was excited. My mind switch very quickly to image of my past related to SA behaviors. During few seconds I navigate around these images, before to decide to stop them (I think to something else, excitement disappear quickly after and I fall asleep). I was half asleep, and it is more difficult to stop though in this situation. This is inappropriate thought because it refers clearly to unhealthy sexual thought. This thought refers to something I did. The thought are a compulsive answer to my emotion, this time excitement (uncontrolled excitement, I slept previously). Despite I am half asleep, I understand that this thought are unhealthy, if I continue I would violate boundaries.

What is the difference for between these 2 events:
 The first one is like “normal”, without consequence
 The second one is more disturbing, it generates stronger guilt
 The thought of the first one refers to a pure fantasy
 The thought of the second event refers to something I did
 In first case, I know very automatically that the compulsive behavior could have very negative impact.
 In second case, it seems less “natural” for me
 In first case, I must be honest, I do not act compulsively because “it is not good”, but because it could be dangerous. There is no shame about that
 In second case there are a lot of shame to associate pleasure and destructive event.

Both thought are inappropriate and correspond to an immediate answer to an emotion. Values and boundary enables to take the right choice (it can be simply let it go). But sexual thought, because they refers to actual behaviors, have more effect. Because of the past, because of the guilt, because of the necessary awareness, because this can not be innocent, because of complacency…


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 114 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group