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PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2021 9:39 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 145
HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK15 8/23/21 – 8/30/21

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?


majority of my time and energy this past week came from…

probably watching Game of Thrones? I was watching that all day on Saturday at my brother’s place.

before…it came from going to the gym. also some of doing well at work / catching up at work.

I did spend some time brainstorming for my next project but nothing that was so….engaging really.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?


yes. I felt drained yesterday.
I feel drained at work still.
I suppose I’ll continue to feel drain at work until I leave my job and / or am working as a director.


I felt drained yesterday from….realizing my short film is not accepted at this one location that I was applying it for…so ya…that’s what I realized for that….

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going
out, how well did I do to manage my life?


I don’t think I did that great of a job…I am having random flashes. I don’t have much hits…but I am having random flashes. I know it’s because of returning back to LA and leaving home where I’ve been the past 10 months.

I know that’s the main reason why….


Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

I need to prepare myself for…prepare myself for…for what?
I need to prepare myself for…oh yes for returning back to LA…which will happen in the next few weeks. that will consist of completing some action plans and figuring out my weaknesses…



how many times a week did I work out last week?

a good amount about 3-4x

did I spend quality time with friends and family?

yes it was good seeing my brother this weekend.

did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?

yes I watched a lot of game of thrones on Saturday…probably more than I wanted to….but I still did though….

am i practicing daily, healthy role playing?

not really….i am practicing on envisioning what I want to do throughout the day…yet I know that’s different than role playing urge scenarios.

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

I can role play for going to the gym…and just making sure that whomever I see…just to be mindful that my mind will want to put someone on the pedestal…but they’re just people though…and I can wish them a positive thought but before I do that I would like to check in with my body how I feel though. to note any tingling sensations I may feel.

what L&SA thoughts are in my life?

just random flashes. they’re still annoying but ya that’s what they are…
I think role playing these situations of seeing them…accepting them and moving on…because that’s what they are

how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

too much time unfortunately. ever since I finished this project….i’ve spent it on the computer and I want to change this.

I can change it by being on the computer only in am. ORRRR….i can focus on writing at night if I want to

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off? what’s my plan to wake up when alarm goes off?

yes I am. I want to continue practicing on waking up when alarm goes off….just setting the same time…and maybe don’t work too late at night then…
am I practicing a language such as Korean or Spanish?


am I working on my plan for moving back to LA?

am I working on my plan for getting back into dating?

am I working on my plan for getting a new job?


did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?
If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?


SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK15 8/23/21 – 8/30/21

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?
am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

I have been…but it would be better if I do this a little bit more…but I think at the same time I need to build more trust in myself…I think it’s my fear inside of me that tells me to be afraid and that makes being out that much more challenging…

ironically…so ya I think that would be important for me to do….to just trust myself that way..

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?


no but I’ve thought about having those conversations

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

I don’t think so?

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)


yes unfortunately I have been. I need to continue to drop into my body to see how I feel..

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

not just one thing…well I definitely am obsessed with filmmaking but I need to remember to focus on building the other parts of my life

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

not strong but I am having increased thoughts since I’ll be leaving soon

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.


no


am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?

oh yes. I need to recognize when I want to search other people online to ask myself what do I get from it. and to make a hard rule to not be searching that stuff late at night.

_________________
Please note I have been pre approved to start posting on other members threads. My status will be updated to mentor in the near future. I hope my input will be of service to you and your recovery --- as it will foster my growth :)


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 04, 2021 1:17 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 145
lesson 36 - review - boundaries

Quote:
Lesson 36 Exercise:
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.



Not having well defined boundaries…

well my most recent ones are:
out in public (gym, grocery store)


situation: at the gym:
trigger: see someone very attractive
behavior: I romanticize this person / sexualize person
reward: distraction / disconnection

boundaries
romanticizing random individuals even if it’s just for a few seconds is allowing the addiction to continue

having well-defined boundaries…
when I see someone who is attractive, I romanticize this person even if for a few moments, I engage with my action plan which are:

NOTE my sensations (person, uncomfortable, sight, etc.)
I can continue this noticing for 5-30 seconds
I can wish that person a love and kindness phrase (may she be well / may she have a good workout)

I can redirect my energy towards working out (rowing machine, lifting, etc.)

*I think this is important because sometimes I’ve been on a machine where I can’t move and I see someone and I feel trapped in terms of how I do manage this trigger? but I think just simply bringing in this noting sensation practice can help (person, sight, thought, thought)

just being able to be objective about the sensations and the thoughts allows the thoughts to just be thoughts and that’s it.

on the internet (computer, phone)
i think most specifically…lately…it’s been job applying…

I’ll be on a certain job site, that does have social media, and it becomes easy to browse without well established boundaries.

having well established boundaries:
when I am on any social media site…I think it’s important to be incredibly mindful of my actions / time spent on them.
am I scrolling on this job site looking at other folks or am I actually job applying?
I get it the site is made to keep you on there with the foolish news feed baloney…but maybe I can remove that? regardless…I think I just need to have an intention before I go on.

and I think having established boundaries can help.
as soon as I just start scrolling aimlessly I get off.

in fact…any time I want to start scrolling aimlessly on any website…regardless of the time of day…I get off….

I create a break. I create a break from googling and doing something that actually matters to me such as:
physical health (stretching, posture exercises)
mindfulness (writing phrases down that connect to me, etc.)
nature (take a walk outside. step outside. breath in the air. note the surroundings around me)

the breaks can literally be a 1minute to a 5minute break. I don’t need to spend 30 minutes. the point is I can choose how I want to spend my time.

_________________
Please note I have been pre approved to start posting on other members threads. My status will be updated to mentor in the near future. I hope my input will be of service to you and your recovery --- as it will foster my growth :)


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 06, 2021 9:56 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 145
HEALTH MONITORING – MONTH4 AUGUST 2021

Over the past month, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

for the first half of the month it came from….finishing my short film
the second half…unfortunately it came from:
anxiety spending time obsessively on the internet (looking up other filmmakers, living vicariously through them instead of developing my next project)
going to the gym
brainstorming new scripts
time with family
camping

Over the past month, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes I think the moments whenever I was obsessively on the internet looking other people up

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this past month, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I did not that great. I think this is reflected because a few days ago I had a very strong hit the other day that I was able to manage through confidence…but I think it’s a result of me not transitioning my energy to other healthier outlets than the internet, and that’s why….so I need to continue to monitor this over the next few days

Looking ahead for the next month, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

absolutely! I will be moving back to LA in 2 weeks…I will be searching to get a new job…and I will also be looking for a new apartment

so tackling a little bit of all of these things…but the most important one is the move…



am i practice daily positive affirmations?


not daily daily but I am consistent with practicing it though

am i taking walks at night a few times a week to unwind?

yes

has my mind wandered towards nostalgia of video games?
no

have I driven recklessly lately?

no

am i committing to my job daily? or am i binging on work 1 day a week --- and working late into the night to catch up --- doing work that isn't urgent?

commitment is struggling, which is why I need to get a new job.

am I obsessing about putting more money into the stock market? am I treating it like gambling instead of long term investments?


no

am i eating normally?


somewhat yes

eating junk food late at night? be mindful WHEN tired will get into bad habit for wanting to eat, even when not hungry.


I eat it on occasions. such as this past weekend I intentionally had dessert…it is the holidays though…

binging of excessive electronic consumption? am I searching on the internet to procrastinate or relax…or am I using the internet to gain information, complete a task, learn more about something connected with my value? (don’t BS yourself with this)


yes I am binging…I felt a lot of my energy after my short was not being fulfilled so that’s why…I will need to implement a daily health monitoring at least for the next seven days.

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?

ummm I’m starting to do this.

am I procrastinating on my phone such as searching for music?

yes actually…I find myself finding another artist and then in a way romanticizing her and wanting to learn more Spanish after listening to her…


SEXUAL MONITORING – MONTH4 AUGUST, 2021


am i thinking of someone from the past month?

I have had some thoughts of person that I want to maybe meet in LA. but I am pretty indifferent about meeting her to be honest. I don’t need to meet her because I know the journey to find someone who is a fit for me will be long and hard.

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to in the past month?

no but I have had thoughts of seeing people at the gym and I had struggled with romanticizing them a bit…

waking in up in the night with or without an erection in the past month?

yes I did struggle with this recently, and this is why I am going to implement a daily health monitoring for the next week. however, I am happy that my reactive action plans kicked into place and I was able to monitor it fairly well.

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

unfortunately yes. I do also know that this is part of the anxiety of relocating in the next two weeks. also it doesn’t help that I don’t know if my return to office will actually happen next month, which will not be ideal since I will have a long commute…

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past month?

not 1 thing….but I need to focus on daily health monitoring for achieving that balance…and also I need to continue to create…

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful in the past month?


yes I did…on my urge the other night I had anxieties about my mortality. I feel like this is because I haven’t been creating / working on a project much recently. yes I have brainstormed ideas but not something where I am putting a lot of time and energy. I also know that it does not help that my foot is still not 100% so my working out is limited to just weightlifting and only using a bike really…

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

yes I did the other night and I was able to manage it successfully.
yes there were moments when I had the increase in heart rate but I was able to use reactive action plans such as taking a walk outside, noting sensations, accepting the sensations, etc…
and watching the emotions pass by..

very interesting to watch the emotions pass by when you simply just accept the emotions. they are emotions. they may feel uncomfortable. but I get a choice in that moment….it’s great to see this progress…even though I feel like I should be at a stage where I don’t have these urges that strong….but I think it’s rewarding to know that not only can I handle them but I know how to handle them with some of the reactive action plans that came up from practice or just happened more instinctually as a healthier alternative (five finger noting exercise)

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?

yes and this is a problem that I’ve noted….

_________________
Please note I have been pre approved to start posting on other members threads. My status will be updated to mentor in the near future. I hope my input will be of service to you and your recovery --- as it will foster my growth :)


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2021 7:48 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 145
random check in....

a part of me isn't sure i'm exactly where i want to be, yet it is where i am right now.

i realize that completing the lessons 2 months ago doesn't really mean anything. yes, it's a great foundation but it is the work afterwards that counts.

i don't know if i'm moving forward or moving backwards. there are some obsessive patterns with googling more than usual on just random things that i do not like. the internet is literally a gateway drug for me...so anytime that i am googling really isn't great unless i'm looking for actual information that can help me and not just like "who is this person?"

i think i've been using google to try to solve the answers for my life. i think it's better to just sit in the uncertainty that i have no idea how i will ever make the switch from working a day job as an accountant to becoming a filmmaker and being paid for it to make movies.

i do know though that google does not have the answer to it.

i also know that lamenting myself for being an accountant at my age and having 1 certain short film done does not help me move forward.

i also know that allowing these random flashes of sexualizing and romanticizing no matter how short they are is truly what is keeping my addiction alive.

i was hoping to have killed this addiction at this time. yet the flashes still remain.

i do know there is hope though to eliminate it. i've learned that forcing the flashes to go away only makes them worse.

i have to explore it with a kind and curious perspective. hmmm....note it. image. person. and accept it.


accepting a flash is not the same thing as identifying as it. thoughts are just thoughts. nothing more than that. thoughts are just thoughts and they can be random images or words or phrases that come in and out of my mind.

it's just like when i meditate...i don't try to control the thoughts when i am meditating....i only try to allow them to be. i'm curious how it would feel to approach the thoughts with the same approach. with curiosity instead of fear or hate.

i also do know i'll continue to apply my noting approach to when i am at home and when i am also at the gym.

i also know i'll be out coming up the next few days. i'll be going to a dinner, i'll be going to a park, to a baseball game, etc....

and in all of these moments...these are great moments to still bring my little notebook, but if i forget, it's ok! to practice the noting practice. and i can visualize before --- person --- person....and just let it be that and nothing more than that.

i don't like to compare where i'm at compared to how long i haven't acted out or when was the last time i did have a sexual thought or whatever....

because i realize my definition of acting out changes. and things that were terrifying for me before when i had an urge i can approach with more confidence because i have built up tools that i can rely on.

i also need to continue to anticipate that the remainder of the year...but particularly the next 30 days are particularly important for my recovery.

I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYTHING. and to practice love and kindness phrases. i think i want to make that as important as i do with meditation...just before i go to bed....

i truly want to take care of myself the next 30 days with all of the pieces that i have.


i get it...taking care of myself does not end...nor should it end....because taking care of myself allows me to become the person that i see myself to be.

and in terms of the frustration with my job?

the bottom line is...i know i will not die at this job...assuming i don't die by a freak accident in the next 3-5 years lol.
i know...this job is simply that. so let's make the best of it and show myself that i can manage a job that i don't like so i can get the job that i do want...at least a better job than where i am now...

i know another accounting job is not my dream job. however, it is a step in the right direction. and i also love the idea that i can just use photography as a way to make money...but i need to be realistic that it takes time to do that to fully support myself...

so i can continue working the day job...and developing my skills on the side for my creative career as well.

i am moving forward. i am beautiful inside and i will continue to build myself because...because it's what i want to do. and i choose to build myself to become the person i am.

recovery does not end. not until the day i stop breathing and i leave this world. but i can choose to take care of myself with compassion, curiosity, and using the tools and skills that i've learned from this program and others. i can always sharpen my skills by referring and reviewing the lessons here.

_________________
Please note I have been pre approved to start posting on other members threads. My status will be updated to mentor in the near future. I hope my input will be of service to you and your recovery --- as it will foster my growth :)


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2021 11:26 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 145
HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK16 9/7/21 – 9/14/21
This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

I want to focus on curiosity this week. i really want to focus on finding curiosity when I am nervous. or I don’t know if ‘focus’ is the right word…I really want to allow / surrender to curiosity and to be curious with curiosity instead of attempting to force it. but to be curious with it…

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

hmmm…for me…
well there was fulfillment watching the yankees…even though they’ve been terrible.
it was a lot of fun spending time with family this past weekend. going to an outdoors historical site on Saturday. it was great spending a few last moments with my nephew before I return back to LA. I really did enjoy it. we also had a great meal in the afternoon. I watched a movie with my dad. just things like that I really enjoyed.

I also enjoyed going to the gym. I enjoyed the curiosity / noting exercises from my unwinding anxiety call I had last week.


Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?


ya. my job…
also with job hunting / job interview I had that did not go well. this idea of moving back to LA and needing to find another place to live now is very anxiety provoking since I don’t have certainty of my future at all…

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

actually…I think I did okay. I think I did okay because I was focused on strengthening the noting exercise from my anxiety.
yes there were moments that were stressful and I did have an urge but I’m proud of how I’ve handled it though. I think these moments of handling urges is actually what is giving me confidence that I can continue to build a lifelong health…not to say that I’m doing it perfectly but these were moments that terrified me before.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

yes. I am flying back to LA this Friday. in 3 days. and I need to…
pack. get a new job. get an apartment. and start dating.
all of these pieces will happen when they will happen. however, it’s still a lot of anxiety.

I think the most important thing is to create an action plan…and to stick with it right.

I think the one thing that I would like to do which is easy is to not do work late at night. to be off my computer by 9pm. because it may lead to surfing on the internet which leads to procrastinating which can lead to porn and then the end of the world. not entirely like that but I just don’t want to do that though.

so no computer….
and I would like to replace this with reading..

and trying to get up at a reasonable time in the morning such as like 8am. which sounds very late to others but it has been difficult for me to wake up consistently so I think that would be a great place to start…

how many times a week did I work out last week?
3x

did I spend quality time with friends and family?
yes

did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?
ya I watched tv.
I did read some GoT which was good


am i practicing daily, healthy role playing?
I think so? I’m practicing how I envision my day to be.

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

I think the night before I travel. I think I usually procrastinate the night before I travel and I think it would be great to just pack as much as I can today so I can not be so stressed the night before..

I think potential slips can be:
going on the computer and looking for someone? looking up that person? looking up an actress?
yes, looking up actresses or singers or any pretty people and just imagining that they are someone I can meet.

and I need to recognize before I get to that stage to just not use the computer late at night and do something else.

I also thing for packing today I would want to just procrastinate on my computer and I can procrastinate that by packing…

when I’m at the airport…I can practice noting exercise when I see people and just note ‘people’ when I see a lot of people at the airport. and if I am boarding on the plane I can note the same thing as well.

I think it will be an anxious flight for me…especially since it’s a few days after 9/11 anniversary and it just doesn’t feel great watching that stuff and then going to fly literally the same week.

but I need to be mindful of all of that stuff anyways though.

I think when I’m in LA…I can have a desire to want to go somewhere. or to go and see someone. and to recognize I am not going to any kind of late night bars right now….or that I am not going to do any of that stuff or to see any massage parlors and I think just to…remember I can go on night walks out there in LA when I am overwhelmed at night.

I can take a walk late at night and get some refreshing fresh air. I would like to do that actually when I return to make sure I go out for a night walk.

what L&SA thoughts are in my life?

hmmm….i think when I just see some people out and about?
I’ve had thoughts about reaching out to that person who lives in LA. I may or may not. I would love to approach it as much as I can as meeting her as a FRIEND which she would be if i even decide to reach out ot….though I feel like that’s kind’ve a bs excuse because it would be on the internet that I would reach out to her, which obviously involves fantasy, which means my mind won’t be treating it as a friend but as a sexual / romantic thing most likely…

so I need to keep all of that in mind. but I DO need to go out to meet new folks.

how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

hmmm…I think it’s less than the month before…at least this past week…but it’s shifted to being a little obsessive about the yankees. I don’t know what following the yankees does / what value it falls under.

I think it’s great. it’s a heck of a lot of fun to follow them. it makes me feel like I’m following something bigger than me? I really do enjoy it though….

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off? what’s my plan to wake up when alarm goes off?

oh yes I am! my plan at the moment is to not write late at night even if I want to…to write in the am the next day or something…

am I practicing a language such as Korean or Spanish?


am I working on my plan for moving back to LA?

am I working on my plan for getting back into dating?

am I working on my plan for getting a new job?


did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?
If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?


SEXUAL MONITORING – WEEK16 9/7/21 – 9/14/21

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?
am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes I am roleplaying in advance, even though it still is challenging. such as I went to the yankees game this past weekend and it was most definitely challenging with all of the folks there.

I do intellectually understand that it is my perception of the stimuli that allows it to feel overwhelming…but I still haven’t fully made that complete transition to health…

I know this because I felt very overwhelmed when I was sleeping at night after the game….and had sexual dreams related with porn. again…they were just dreams but it’s annoying. but I know that…I do hope to continue to make progress in attending public venues and for them to not be so triggering for me…though I do understand I am in an anxious place in my life and this just felt like someone gave me ice cream.

it was interesting because I felt during the game…that wow ‘I can’t wait to date and to be able to go out on dates to events like this’

now I may or may not do that…but I just found out interesting that I felt so overwhelmed and I wanted to go out on a date with someone to these places? who knows but that doesn’t make sense…
I do want to go back to dating…and I think I felt inspired in a way / triggered…but I need to recognize that…it will take time to do all of this though…it will take time to do all of this though…

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?

no

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

I don’t think so

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes unfortunately…I still am doing that.

what’s my action plan? to continue the noting practice. note the sensations in my body. note what it feels like to note. note what it feels like to be CURIOUS when I find myself doing that…but not out of place of judgment but just a place of curiosity.


am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

no. but I did find myself looking up the yankees a lot more online…so not best use of time.


having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

not before or after something important…but just during a stressful time period right now so yes…

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

yes I did. I saw these 2 girls at the yankees game that were very attractive. and at the same time…it was good to just note the sensations as just being attracted to them. like I felt a little nervous just seeing / increase in heart rate. I don’t know if nervous makes sense because I wasn’t approaching them but ya they were attractive.

I’m trying to decipher between ‘healthy’ attraction and ‘sexualizing / objectifying’ attraction. I don’t know which one this is. I feel like my default is that this is the objectifying one…as naïve as it was.
because I did find myself wanting to see them / glance at them. hmmm.
I just don’t feel comfortable at this stage and think it’s healthy for me to do that. like I can see someone but I don’t need to continue to glance up at them to see them. that’s a little…not how I want to be living. regardless that I’m single.

so does that mean I force myself to not look at someone? I think it’s about…noting the sensations and the sense of curiosity within my body at that time. what do I feel? what do I get from this? note the sensations now. person, person. etc.

that would be important to do. and to see how I feel after that.

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?


not as heavily this week as I did in the past…

_________________
Please note I have been pre approved to start posting on other members threads. My status will be updated to mentor in the near future. I hope my input will be of service to you and your recovery --- as it will foster my growth :)


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2021 5:44 pm 
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Posts: 145
random check in...

this isn't specifically related to SA & LSA but these are reoccurring fantasy thoughts that i continue to have which are annoying.

so as someone who just finished my first short film, i'm eager to work on my next project. i've thought many, many times about the idea of moving to a foreign country that is a lot cheaper than the USA. and just using my savings to make a feature in about a year.

even though i do think this is feasible...there are some serious concerns with the long term consequences / decisions of this.

for example...
how will i balance my life through health? what will be my main values of managing my life over there.

i actually think it would be everything that i am doing now, yet i feel like socializing would be much, much, much more challenging in a foreign country.

not to mention getting a side job to support myself somewhat would also be incredibly challenging.

also, i do not plan to build my life over there...so why would i move over there if i do not plan to build my life over there?

it would also require me to sell all of my items other than some clothes for me to fully relocate there for over six months. and of course applying for visa. and of course during the end (hopefully) of a pandemic.

and what about dating? would i actually date people over there...only to move back to the USA in a year or two? could i possibly expect that a partner would move back over here?

in short...my brain tries to find these quick fix it solutions....but ultimately i feel like they only will delay me in the long term.

regardless of the location of where i shoot...the most important thing is the story. i can shoot in 7 continents, but if the story is bad...it doesn't matter how pretty it looks.

i think this is an issue that i see with other values that are underdeveloped in my life currently. i just imagine if i get back into shape by going to the gym intensely for a month i'll get back to my physical size before. or i can just do an intense work at work....and catch up. or....you get the picture.

i think...there's this part of me that still wants to achieve my goal like immediately. and yes...i get it that making a movie in a year or two is not like an immediate goal...but making that leap of faith to do a project that big without any planning...and then putting the rest of my life on hold is the thing that concerns me. i can zero in on a value so much that it would be hurting my overall health...that's the thing that scares me.

and there's this other voice that tells me just like 'oh go after it. you can only learn by doing, etc'.

but i think the more realistic voice is...patience. i need patience. i need patience and yes, work to get better...but at the end of the day...i need to be patient with myself...and that these are lifelong values that i am developing.

i will continue to want to rush things in my life. but i think i can also just take a step back and be grateful that i am actually building a life now. i unfortunately can't say that i am building it without addiction completely because i still have those random thoughts that come and go in my mind. or that i'll have sexual dreams.

but i do know my action plans have given me confidence. i'll need to continue my work on RN to continue to build the life that i want to build.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2021 2:18 pm 
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just a quick check in...the next few days will be intense in terms of managing my health.

i am relocating back to LA and i'll be staying at my uncle's temporarily until i find my own place.
it's nerve wracking to be returning back to office in the next few weeks...it really really is.

where would be my weak points:

airport (flying, arriving, going to my uncle's late tonight)
Saturday night (Saturday during the day seems to be pretty booked with things...)
Sunday evening...
Monday morning

i think establishing a new healthy habit will be great. especially since my sleep schedule has been off on the east coast...it will be great to return back to LA...so what actions do i need to take

well on Saturday evening to just remember that...to do healthy things which can include:
reading
walk outside
time with family / friends


Sunday evening a good wind down can be...reviewing my schedule for the week...
reading
walking outside
time with family / friends

like all of that would be healthy good things to do.

i also think trying to wind down by 11pm at the latest would be good to start a routine for getting up at like 7am and things like that.

on a side note i do have other things on my mind about next career steps.
script development? work on a music video?
i would love to see if i can do a combination of both...that would be pretty damn fantastic. i never thought of doing music videos...or at least not recently but it just could make sense as a way to get content out since there's already a story in place and to just execute it based on the music. that's something that would be really good to give it a shot.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2021 12:03 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK17 9/12/21 – 9/19/21

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

what will give me stimulation to develop
I think focusing on love and kindness

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?


spending time with family…ya spending time with my sister yesterday…with my brother earlier this week as well…my meal with mom earlier this week…those days and moments were great.


Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

hmmm…I think work drained me. ya I think it would be important for me to leave my job.

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?


I think I’ve actually done great! considering I just flew back to LA yesterday. and considering all of the unknown variables in the next few months (job, need to find a new place)

I think I’ve handled the first step of this process by just returning back to LA very well…in the past, after the holidays, these were the moments when I acted out the most…so now that I’m not acting out…it makes me feel like I’m handling this well.


Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

yes…in two weeks…I will be returning to office. I think this is a great time to be preparing a new action plan for returning to office / how will I manage all of that stress.

I think there are a few parts.

the commute
my boss
triggered when working with him / talking to him
I can prepare by having my notebook handy
by using the 5 finger tool when I am overwhelmed
I can note the sensations

in a specific situation…I imagine that I see him and that I sexualize it by seeing him…sexualized…like if he was transgender and was aroused.

I CAN NOTE it…note the sensation…
thought, person, sight, etc.
feel the relaxation ease in as the tension unwinds
go back to listening to his instructions for whatever he expects of me

communicate with new colleagues
trigger: new attractive colleague that I’ll be meeting
behavior: I can note it….in my head…the sensation…the visualization, etc.
i can note it as: thought, thought, sight, sight
I can feel the tension unwind
I can get back to listening to this person talking to me.

communicate with old colleagues
trigger: having a conversation with an old colleague that I had a crush on
behavior: I feel nervous, triggered, have sight
action plan: feel the nervousness expanded further by the visual stimulation created in my mind
NOTE the stimulations in my mind…
person, sight, sight, person, colleague
FEEL the release in tension in my brain as I recognize that I am just creating it further in my head.



outside of work

spending time with sister
talking with sister
feel triggered / nervous triggered by seeing her..
action plan: feel the nervousness….
NOTE it in my head ---- sight, thought, thought, thought, sight, person, sister
FEEL the tension unwind in my head as I note it and I feel it unwind


how many times a week did I work out last week?

hmm about 3x

did I spend quality time with friends and family?
yes

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?
i hear my alarm go off.
I want to lie there. I don’t want to get up. I imagine myself starting my day well from meditation.
I jump out of bed. I brush my teeth. I do my meditation. during my meditation I imagine the final moments after I finish meditating that I leave meditation to…
to write down the items that I want to focus on for the day.
either a positive affirmation to be focusing on / kindness to be focusing on…
and also my to do items for the day.


what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?

unwinding for bed BEFORE I am tired…I’ll be playing this by ear…but I think just reading in bed is a great thing to do before I am tired….
and when I do find myself in those moments…to just say…THOUGHTS…and to remember…to ask myself…what do I genuinely get from this by doing this now?
to remember…at least now…that I don’t solve anything this late at night before bed…and to just be practicing kindness before I go to bed to integrate that into a new habit loop.

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

I think I did already above. but specifically more this week…I think going to the gym. noting. feel uncomfortable. and just note…person.

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

okay…however I do like this stuff written above. I would like to focus on writing down roleplaying instead of just roleplaying in my head…that may be good.


how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

a decent amount. this would be good to role play as well. I think specifically when I am working this has come up several times.

when can I practice learning a new language?

I think either at night or during the morning…

how do I plan to find a new apartment? when will I work on it?

during the weekend. and or during lunch hr at work

what’s my plan for getting a new job? when will I work on it?

during the weekend and or before work.

what’s my plan for dating? when will I work on it?

to approach it as finding a group I can meet up with on the weekends? a new group to meet up with? so I can approach either:

dating matchmaker
acting group

I do like dating matchmaker…that can be good…as intimidating as it sounds I think that can be good.

what’s my plan for working on my photography portfolio? when will I work on it?

on weekends.

what’s my plan for working on my next film project? when will I work on it?

most likely in morning / weekends

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK17 9/12/21 – 9/19/21

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?
yes I have been but can help by writing this down

am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?
yes at random times but easily to disregard when I think of consequences but they come and go…

what is my specific action plan for going to the gym and feeling triggered?

see someone…
feel triggered / uncomfortable / nervous in body…
note the sensations

what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?
I would like to work on this tomorrow.


waking in up in the night with or without an erection?
yes but that was a few days ago feel better now but will monitor

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)
yes and will be working on action plans for this…

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?
no

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
yes I did over the past week…on a scale of ten…anxiety was a ten

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
yes I did see above

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?
great one to work on later this week

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 20, 2021 10:51 am 
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what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?

specific action plan is to accept that i am overwhelmed. to note the sensations in my body. to note the sensations in my body. to note...thought, sight, person, person. to see how my body reacts to that. and to also just be patient with myself. it's okay that if i go through another wave a few minutes later...i can just kindly implement the same action plan of noting...noting noting....


this is what i was doing yesterday. at first it felt great. but then it also came back...but then it eventually went away.

right now on a scale of 1 - 10 my anxiety is at an 8...with 10 being the worse.
i'm living in my uncle's now...and i need to find a place to move, considering new job opps, and figuring out how best to package my short.

i woke up this morning with a sexualizing dream. i'm trying to figure out how to make more movies and then i ended up dreaming about filming pornstars? but it didn't feel sexualizing it just felt like....annoying / disappointing. i know i'm worth more than my addiction. i will move past this stage. i will continue to integrate kindness and curiosity.

i know what triggered it is yesterday. i was trying to find the best solution for the next step in my life regarding where do i move / next day job?

i need to accept i do not have an answer for this now and that is okay. it's okay to sit with the unknown. i would like to touch base with my body to see how i feel.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2021 11:47 am 
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HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK18 9/20/21 – 9/27/21

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

focusing on strengthening my autonomy by focusing on catching up at work…

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

spending time with family and friends
time at Disneyland.
time spent going to the gym

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

I honestly think focusing on my short film with the distribution / marketing / film festivals over the past week. it was not fun and very draining and I know that…it’s something that I just did not enjoy at all though…

ya I did not enjoy it at all though…I just want to be done with it but just had to wrap it up.
I also need to anticipate that…I may face anxiety this week…about it since I’ll hear back from festivals if they want to move forward with it or not…

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

how well did I do?
hmm…. I’m very proud of all of my action plans. it worked well at Disneyland. I cannot doubt that I am still annoyed by the triggers / flashes that I experience.

I understand that it is my perception of the trigger, yet I still feel tired from my action plans. like I can do it well at first…but I think the longer that I’m out in public, the easier it becomes to have little slips.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

yes. getting rejected from film festivals.

trigger: emails from film festivals this Thursday and Friday.
behavior: to anticipate the sadness…to feel sad….and to be able to take care of it by:
noting…sadness…and feeling it in my body….feeling the sandness in my body and let me just anticipate that it won’t be fun…but I can explore it with curiosity.

after I anticipate it…I can….take care of myself by possibly starting that kindness notebook , writing, gym, taking a walk outside…

returning back to work. and anticipating I will not have a delay….and I will need to return back to work…

I need to anticipate that I will want to romanticize / sexualize others that I see when I’m there…and to initiate my action plan, which is to…see others and to…note sensations…people…people…and to feel the release in tension when I do…

how many times a week did I work out last week?

I think about 3x?

did I spend quality time with friends and family?

yes

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?


I think by going to bed and imagining me jumping out of bed and starting my day. also after I finish my meditation to jump start my day as well though…


what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?

to imagine that I will have a great day the following day when I jump out of bed and meditate and then start my day.

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

the random flashes?
I think if I have them when living with my uncle to just note them….thought…image….and that’s it and to feel the tension released.

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

I’m doing the noting. I do like them…but I am not entirely sure on how to get ahead of them….

how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

hmmm…well a decent amount. I need to be mindful of time spent on internet on phone even when I’m bored…

when can I practice learning a new language?

now? ummm I think perhaps in the morning…definitely when driving to work

how do I plan to find a new apartment? when will I work on it?

I’ll be seeing a place this weekend

what’s my plan for getting a new job? when will I work on it?

I’ll be holding off on this until I’m on top of my current job

what’s my plan for dating? when will I work on it?

I’ll be holding off on this

what’s my plan for working on my photography portfolio? when will I work on it?

I’ll be holding off on this

what’s my plan for working on my next film project? when will I work on it?

I’ll be working on this soon…but I need to get on top of my job first

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK18 9/20/21 – 9/27/21

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?

yes I am. I think I will like to continue to do the noting exercise though…people…but to do it in a way where I NOTICE the new things in my environment and consciously note it. I think when I am in an overstimulating environment it can be difficult to note…but I just need to focus my attention on where I am by focusing on one thing for a moment and then another thing….it helps to manage my anxiety.

I can also try that when I feel triggered / overwhelmed when I am talking to someone that is important to me…so ya that would be important to try as well…


am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes I’ve had thoughts of person in past. I think the other thing I’m recognizing is maybe I need to make RN my priority as well in my life again?

like to not just do the health monitoring but to actually recomplete the lessons that I’ve been wanting to revisit….

I think the thing that I’m recognizing is I put in work…but I almost feel like…maybe I need to put in more work though?

like if I look at the big picture…things changed dramatically after my slip up in march….but at the same time I’m not exactly where I want to be…but I know things changed a lot by all of the work that I put in.

so if I put in more work…how will I be then?

what is my specific action plan for going to the gym and feeling triggered?

to continue the noting exercise…

what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?

hmm….to note….person. overwhelmed….to also perhaps try the five finger sensation when I feel overwhelmed when talking to someone…

what is my specific action plan for managing sexualizing thoughts when return back to office? romanticizing colleagues?

to do the noting
to also try the 5 finger sesnsations

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

no

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes…to family…and scanning strangers like at Disneyland this past weekend…

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

it seemed to have been my short film

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

not ‘strong’ urge…but just concerning dreams that made me feel like I wasn’t on track…

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

I felt a slight increase in temperature when I made eye contact with this woman at Disneyland. I think it was more like validation like oh my gosh someone is looking at me, which gives me the right to look at her, or makes me feel good about myself.

in hindsight I think it’s helpful to note person….and to know that…the reality is…you won’t be able to develop a real relationship with someone like from afar you see…

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?

to recognize that is not going to help me in my own life.

to note…fantasy…question…what do I get from this?
drop into the consequences of it….and accept that it is merely a distraction.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 04, 2021 11:10 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING – QUARTER 3, 2021

Over the past 3 months, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

completing my short film
spending time with family
returning back to the gym
spending time with friends

Over the past 3 months, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes --- working in my day job
moving back to LA and looking for a new apartment
my foot is also not great and I need to see a PT asap

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life the past 3 months, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I think I did fantastic over the past 3 months. I definitely can feel a bit of confidence building in my recovery. it’s not perfect, yet it does not have to be.

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?

i want to roleplay….the consequences of doing something like that….i mean to roleplay what specifically? yes that I hear my alarm and that I wake up…I think it has more about I hear my alarm and I walk to bathroom to start my day instead of returning back to bed and feeling a sense of pride of doing that… 


what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?

i think it will be to be kind to myself…and to remember how I can take care of myself before bed, which is also to visualize…going to bed and starting my day with a bit of curiosity….and that would be great to explore curiosity as I wind down….


what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming quarter?

i think the potential slips are:
continuing search for a new apartment
the holidays
figuring out how to continue to work on new story ideas before the end of the year

I feel like finding a new apartment is unfortunately taking longer than expected. a part of me wants to wrap it up quickly but I think just getting settled in an apartment is a good goal for me to have before the end of the year.

I think I also need to anticipate that the reality of being further along in my short film may not be completely realistic though the longer I continue the search for an apartment.

I can also….think of the long term consequences of selecting an apartment I’m not that happy with such as….having to move in the short term future (1 year) compared to staying in a place that truly gives me joy….that’s important to consider


how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

over the past 3 months? how have I handled them? hmmm…I mean with sometimes it’s been harder than others….
some I find myself hanging on longer than I want to. I definitely feel that moving home for so long has made my transition to health challenging…but it’s good to not be home and I can feel a pull still…but I’ve been doing my noting practice and that has been helpful for the past few weeks.


how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

I most definitely spent a lot of time doing that….i think it’s usually connected with something that I’m working on…such as searching for an apartment, a job, etc….it usually depends on something like that…so it’s a little annoying at the moment…

when can I practice learning a new language?

I think at night time? I know this is not a priority value but it is something fun that I do enjoy to practice….so either any time in the evening or morning works…


how do I plan to find a new apartment? when will I work on it?

I need to see if I can get my car serviced soon…that’s important because I need to make sure I have something reliable before I start going to other places to view….

how do I feel about that one apartment on the fence? I feel sad about the idea to give it up…I mean it’s most definitely not perfect…but I just want more options though….so ya…


what’s my plan for getting a new job? when will I work on it?

I need to move first though….

what’s my plan for dating? when will I work on it?

hmmm…I do like the idea of just talking to people like I did with that nurse recently. I don’t know if it’s healthy or not for me to talk to her if I do go back to that urgent care center place again?
I’ve had thoughts of her but thankfully with some of my noting practice it has been great to just simply observe the thoughts as simply just thoughts ie. thinking of future, future, past, etc….this really has been great because before in the past I would spiral out planning things out and I can at the very least start to put some brakes on these old habit loops whenever I’m in these new situations…

I think these are things that I can continue to practice as I move forward….

what’s my plan for working on my photography portfolio? when will I work on it?

I am not sure if I will do this at the moment just due to the amount of time that I have


what’s my plan for working on my next film project? when will I work on it?

I’ll work on this in the morning and / or the evening…

SEXUAL MONITORING – QUARTER 3, 2021

am i thinking of someone from the past 3 months?


not specifically 1 person but yes of different people…


am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to in the past 3 months?

no…but I have had thoughts of possibly seeing that nurse? I feel like typing it out makes it sound like it’s inappropriate…


am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes I still have flashes but I am continuing to practice noting…I truly feel that noting has been my best solution for dealing with my anxiety in these situations.

interesting…after seeing that person I felt like my mind was having flashes with my aunt in law? not sure if it’s connected….i think our brains like to make connections that aren’t connections….

am I fantasizing about someone?

yes I am…but again practicing the noting is helpful

waking in up in the night with or without an erection in the past 3 months?

I’ve had a few but nothing too concerning

am i fantasizing about a girl? past, present, or future

yes people that I meet in the present…it seems to come and go though….depending on location…but again…noting is my best solution at the moment…it really helps keep me ground in the present…

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past 3 months?

no unfortunately because I’ve moved and now I need to focus on getting a new apartment


am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience in the past 3 months?

I believe so. I think it’s more just out of the limited options of me meeting people now. I think it’ll be really good for me to meet as many people as I can…slowly of course…but to have the best options possible.

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful in the past 3 months?

I think I definitely did once I was finishing up my short film / getting ready to move. now it hasn’t been so bad the past week though.
have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

hmmm….i think maybe when I saw someone at a baseball game I had an increase in heart rate. so I think it happens a few times when I see someone in public who is attractive….and I can just note the sensations.

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?

yes….i think I’ve been wanting to get out of my current situation and I think it’s actually been running away instead of just figuring out how to overcome my situation…

such as with….becoming a filmmaker….i’ve desperately wanted to move abroad to just relocate and start another life (temporarily) so I can just make a movie.

yet it’s fascinating though….it’s extremely challenging finding an apartment and I’ve lived in this city for ten years and finding an apt is difficult. so many options…especially since I want to leave my job and things like that I’m not tied down to being close to work…

and then when I thought about living abroad I just thought I can choose any old place and then just start shooting a movie….

i think I just need to be realistic that it takes a lot of work to make my dream happen…however…I will make my dream happen.

so to answer this question it wasn’t so much on living someone else’s life but just wanting to live a fantasy lifestyle….which is not helpful so ya….

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 04, 2021 11:12 pm 
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what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?

i don't think i answered this one before...but i think if it's about living vicariously through someone...i can note it...person...thought...thought...image...


if it's fantasizing about someone...i can note...past, future, future...just allowing me to untangle the powers that i've given these stories in my head...and recognizing the real power is actually in the present...

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 10, 2021 1:46 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK19 10/3/21 – 10/10/21

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

I think practicing love and kindness would be good for me to do that…

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

to be honest this has been a very stressful week. I would say there has been a shift of what has been giving me stimulation and fulfillment the past seven days. majority of my time has been shifted towards searching for an apartment.

some energy was spent on going to the gym…a little bit on writing….some love and kindness exercises…but….last Sunday I was driving around the entire day….and then as well the rest of the week….

OH….i think it was great that I did do cooking last Tuesday. that did help balance me out and it was rewarding to cook for my uncle and aunt in law. and watching the yankees lose didn’t feel great but was still engaging…

however….little in terms of creativity….like right now I want to write but all I want to do is apartment hunt it’s becoming ocd at the moment and I need to balance that out.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes I think this whole apartment hunting is draining. from the 50+ mile drive outside of LA to see apartments in LA…like it’s been exhausting. also, it doesn’t help that my car broke down basically twice in the past week.

I’ve found myself judging myself a lot….so I think it’s important to recognize that….

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?


I think I did good..but there were not many decisions that I made to help balance out my stress. I also spent a lot of time doing work and didn’t feel like I was moving forward really since so much work to do.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?


yes….i need to find a way to balance out my stress. I also need to get stitches removed from my finger so I can go to the gym.

and to schedule a PT to help my foot get better.

I get it. I feel a little beat up right now. there’s a lot of judging where I am at in my life at the moment…but I need to recognize that does not get me too far….


I know my body is hurt and I think I can take care of it by icing it and finding a time to go to urgent care to remove my stitches. I don’t know if I would do this tomorrow night or something if I go to LA….

how many times a week did I work out last week?

only 1x. it was difficult to do that because my finger was healing…but now that it’s almost healed I can definitely go back.


did I spend quality time with friends and family?

I did with my aunt and uncle on Tuesday. it was great to know how much they enjoyed and appreciated the food that I cooked for them. that was a great feeling.

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?

oh…gosh…I wish I can just have it be…tired…wake up. go.
I’ve had a lot going on and my anxiety is not helping but is making it worse. I need to work on l&k work to help get me out of bed. I want to resort to my medication like I did in the past but I’m not willing to yet….

what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?

to speak l&k to myself….

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

I think…driving. I can expect to have some road rage if I am not anticipating it…I definitely think I can anticipate that.

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

I’m continuing to note things. I know that I have not had too many yet, but I think it’s important to just continue….to monitor and all of that stuff….and to anticipate that I will have an increase in thoughts unless I balance it with some good working out…..so I need to go to the gym today.

how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

a good amount still….i need to continue to be mindful and ask myself…hmmmm…what do I get from this?

when can I practice learning a new language?

gosh at the moment…I don’t really set this time to be working on this…


what’s my plan for working on my next film project? when will I work on it?

I am working on it now…a little bit at time…


SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK19 10/3/21 – 10/10/21

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?
am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?
yes doing my noting exercise is the best action plan that I have and I will continue to use this as I move forward…

what is my specific action plan for going to the gym and feeling triggered?

to continue to note the sensations…


what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?

continue to note the sensations. thought image image thought…

what is my specific action plan for managing sexualizing thoughts when return back to office? romanticizing colleagues?

to note it….to anticipate that I will be triggered and that I can note them…hmmm…thought thought thought

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

I can continue to note it…at the moment no…but I anticipate an increase in the coming days. I think it’s important to use values that can give me stimulation such as….

cooking
time with friends and family
some time with gym considering limitations
spirituality of course
creativity --- reading and writing

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes these are still there but the noting helps a great deal

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

YES I have become too obsessed with apartment hunting. I need to recognize I do NOT have a deadline to get a new apartment….yes it’s awful that I live 50 miles plus away from work = a 2hr+ commute time…and so the time is ticking for me to get a new place but I can still take my time. I am saving money at the moment and I can continue to do so so ya that is good to know.

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

not recently but I will soon / anticipate so need to be prepared / manage it with my noting technique

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

no not recently but it’s important to be prepared in the coming weeks as I move closer to:
finding an apartment that I love / want to move into
finalizing it with the security deposit
move in date

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?

to be kind to myself! I am my own person. I am my own person and i need to continue to work on my journey. I am moving forward and if I recognize that….

even though I’ve had a lot of anger and resentment against myself the past few days / weeks of…how could I be where I am in my life and how do I change the direction of this train

the first step is awareness and to recognize that even though I did not change it before that I need to change it most definitely now….if all of those decisions that I made before are because of the decisions that I made to where I am today…

imagine if I make decisions based on a vision….to go to where I want to be?

now obviously I don’t know all of the steps but I can continue to take action to get to where I need to be.

_________________
Please note I have been pre approved to start posting on other members threads. My status will be updated to mentor in the near future. I hope my input will be of service to you and your recovery --- as it will foster my growth :)


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