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PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2020 6:30 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
V4J
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I have been trying to end my addictions without finding healthy alternate sources of stimulation. In the last few months, some keys are emerging - I like to take long walks into nature by myself, I like to listen to melodious music preferably with a cup of coffee or tea, I like to paint...the problem is that I am so far behind on my work that I never really have the time to spend on my likings. And the reason I am so far behind in my work is the time spent in ritualistic behaviors. Oh! How to end this cycle of pain?


I believe that you already know the answer to the question that you ask
however fear of letting go holds you back
health my friend is no to be feared, but embraced
you know what choices need to be made
you know that you do have choice
you know that only you can make that choice
choose wisely but do choose now

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2020 6:42 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
Thank you Coach Kenzo!


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2020 6:51 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
Lesson 23

This lesson was an eye opener for me. My compulsive behavior is not one 'non-stop' train wreck but a series of smaller events which I can control! Deciding to stare at a woman, fantasizing her, staring her even more intently, feeling guilty, masturbating, a short relief followed by renewed guilt - these seem unstoppable, completely out of control for me.

Practical uses of measuring compulsive behavior
- I will be aware of rituals as they are happening, right from the first step.
- My present belief that I will indulge in compulsive behavior anyways, so why control - leaves me to the mercy of the behavior every single time. Instead, I have to control the first step or the second step and the rest will take care of itself.
- This is the tool I have been missing to control my urges, becoming more aware of the trigger points.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2020 7:39 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
Lesson 24
a) wheel of sexual compulsion:
- visual sensory
- fantasy
- past memories
- suspense
- some element of danger
- masturbation
- orgasm
- accomplishment

b) Major rituals
- compulsive staring at women
- mood altering porn and masturbation
- wasting time until overcome with need for mood altering porn and masturbation
- when watching TV/youtube, keep searching until I come across hot models or videos

Compulsive staring at women
1. When driving, always scanning to locate a woman on the side walk
2) When outside the house (walking, driving, in a mall, in a playground, in cinema) always scanning for a woman with a nice face, and or body.
3) While scanning, a level of excitement - what if I see someone pretty
4) Looking at neighbors from inside the house hoping to get a long glimpse of the women I like watching
5) Once I get a glimpse anywhere, I feel a sense of accomplishment - wow I saw someone hot.
6) Immediately I scan for her body parts - particularly breasts and hips.
7) If I find them hot, another sense of accomplishment.
8) I keep staring at these body parts.
9) I start fantasizing how the woman would look without clothes.
10) Use my store of mental images or videos of naked models to imagine how the woman I am staring will look like.
11) Feeling guilty by now and ashamed, I make myself turn away.
12) But a voice in head is shouting, "you are missing out on a great woman".
13) I again start staring, this time even more intently.
14) I cannot turn away. Sometimes, even follow the woman if I am in a mall. While driving, I will take another look.
15) Sense of danger makes me feel guilty but also excited.
16) Fantasy takes over as I keep imagining the body parts I like.
16b) I am so compelled - I have to keep looking at those body parts, imagining them to be naked.
17) Sometimes, I can stop here. Most times, I am tormented by these mental images.
18) Feel compelled to get a relief by masturbating.
19) If I am at home, I will surf favorite internet sites until I come across a model who looks the woman I saw earlier.
20) Start masturbating, with orgasm timed to the moment when the internet porn model takes off her clothes.
20b) The woman I had originally seen is compelled to have sex with me. I am powerful over her.
20c) Imagine how I will have sex with her using my power.
21) Achieve orgasm
22) Feel accomplished and somehow as I am relieved of the compulsion.
23) Clean the computer by deleting history
24) Feel accomplished that I did it.
25) Feel guilty and vow to never do it again.

Mood altering porn and masturbation
1) I have a log list of things to do
2) Keep wasting time in mundane tasks
3) Feel guilty
4) Mind says may be I need a break
5) Feel guilty about the lack of accomplishment
6) Surf internet for random news/videos
7) every successive search becomes an aim to 'discover' a hot image
8) feeling low in morale, but keep looking
9) sometimes I stop here and feel accomplished that I stopped.
10) mostly, keep on going while looking for youtube video suggestions or for online clothing outlets that show models
11) After wasting a lot of time, decide to visit a porn site
12) Decide that I will stop after a few minutes as I am just trying to see how women look when naked
13) cannot stop, keep going
14) bookmark 2-3 videos of models that I find most hot. Models look similar to women I have seen recently or to models in my mental images
15) Run the videos in such a way that the models become naked at the same time
16) Feel accomplished
17) Masturbate
18) Feel accomplished by orgasm and timing
19) Wipe off the history
20) feel guilty because of wasting so much time
21) vow to never do it again


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:32 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
Lesson 25
Two compulsive behaviors that I struggle with a lot:
1. scanning and fantasy
2. mood altering porn and masturbation

1. Scanning and fantasy

- always scanning for women (watching Tv, driving, in the neighborhood, in the mall, in a restaurant, at work, on innocuous websites ....everywhere and anywhere).
- see a/many women
- look at their body
- thoughts of looking away
- but intense pressure to keep looking
- focus on chest and back
- imagine how they will look without clothes
- keep imagining
- body gets tense, negative thoughts, one thought keeps asking to look away
- follow the woman around if possible
- excitement, rising heart beat
- keep imagining the woman and her parts
- fantasize encounters with this woman
- i successfully seduce the woman in these fantasy encounters
- by now the pressure to masturbate is intense
- mind says, you are going to masturbate anyways so why not release this pressure now
- go to a washroom. I have already identified washrooms in the mall and at work that I think are safe.
- At home, switch on the exhaust so no sound can come out.
- Bring out the computer and go to favorite porn sites.
- Scan for models that are similar to the woman I saw.
- Mind says all this will be done in 15 minutes.
- But it can take an hour or more, especially if I am alone.
- The anticipation of porn and the videos fills me with excitement.
- Identify the model and her videos that I think are most exciting.
- Play 2 videos at the same time on different screens.
- Start masturbating.
- Time the ejaculation with a particular act in the video, usually when the woman gets naked, or when the male model ejaculates.
- Clean up after ejaculation.
- Close the websites.
- Delete the history.
- Decide not to do it again.
- But feel relief at the release of pressure combined with guilt of not being able to trust myself and for wasting valuable time.
- Focus intently on work for a few minutes before loss of concentration.

Beginning

- deciding to visit mall, deciding to watch TV
- in case of driving and neighborhood: when moving my eyes from the face to chest and back of the woman
- initial fantasy of imagining the woman as naked

Point of no return
- fantasizing the woman as naked and every point after that

End of ritual

- feeling sorry for myself, intense concentration on work for a few minutes, and then deciding to just move on

2. Mood altering porn and masturbation

- want to work
- want to exercise
- want to play guitar
- want to read a good book
- oh, so many things how to start
- feeling lonely and bored
- feeling insecure because of no productivity over along time
- start surfing newspaper websites
- start surfing some youtube videos
- start looking at clothing videos on youtube
- or recollect about the last movie actress or the model I found hot
- haven't had sex with wife in a long time
- decide that its okay for me to get a release from this sexual tension
- loss of willpower anyways as so much time is already wasted
- start surfing porn websites looking for models that are similar to the women I can recollect at that time.
- The anticipation of porn and the videos fills me with excitement.
- Identify the model and her videos that I think are most exciting.
- Play 2 videos at the same time on different screens.
- Start masturbating.
- Time the ejaculation with a particular act in the video, usually when the woman gets naked, or when the male model ejaculates.
- Clean up after ejaculation.
- Close the websites.
- Delete the history.
- Decide not to do it again.
- But feel relief at the release of pressure combined with guilt of not being able to trust myself and for wasting valuable time.
- Focus intently on work for a few minutes before loss of concentration.

Beginning

- wasting time
- deciding to check phone or internet

Point of no return

- "discovering" or looking for hot youtube videos
- checking out the first porn site

End of ritual

- cleaning up after ejaculation, wiping off the computer memory, intently focusing on work for a few minutes


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 2:40 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
Lesson 26

Ritual: mood altering porn and masturbation

Yesterday, I was feeling great after completing lesson 25. I felt in control and I thought I am nearly done with my rituals.

- I was feeling great, a bit of euphoria after completing a lesson.
- I decided to focus on work.
- I tried to concentrate.
- After a few minutes, the work got boring. It became difficult to concentrate.
- My mind said this is time to take a break and do something fun.
- I thought for a while but couldn't think of anything fun that didn't involve Tv or internet.
- I decided to continue working.
- I wasn't making any progress. I needed to relax.
- I started to watch some sports highlights from Australia.
- A thought came - how do Australian women look when they are naked.
- At this stage, I could have walked away from internet, doing something physical with my body.
- I thought, I am strong and the thought will go away.
- Soon the thought returned. I felt an urge to surf the internet.
- I told myself I wouldn't go to a porn site.
- The urge became stronger and too difficult to resist.
- I went to an Australian porn site I had seen before.
- After surfing models, there was one that I liked.
- She looked like a famous Hollywood actress whose movie I had seen a few weeks ago.
- By now, I couldn't stop myself. There was excitement as I started surfing internet to find more videos of this model.
- The irony was that this was a British model, but it didn't matter anymore.
- I searched through tens of videos, identifying one that I really liked.
- My heart beat was already up with excitement.
- Even though I had told myself that I wouldn't masturbate, I couldn't stop myself anymore.
- I went to the bathroom. Turned on the exhaust to suppress any other noise.
- I put on the headphones, listened to the model and started watching her video.
- I was now ready. But i searched one more time in case I found an even hotter video.
- I zeroed in on the video that I thought was hot.
- I was excited. I started to masturbate.
- I ejaculated to time with the model as she became naked.
- I wiped myself off.
- I deleted the internet history.
- There was relief as I had masturbated without being caught.
- As I came out of the bathroom I started feeling guilty and sorry for myself.
- I started to act as if everything was normal and fine, though I was angry at myself as I couldn't trust myself.

- Later on I felt the urge to masturbate once more to the same model. Now that this day has been lost, why not one more time?
- However, I decided that reasoning was worthless. Instead I immediately went to sleep.
- In the morning I felt better and I proud that I didn't give in to my urge the second time.

Beginning

When I felt bored and needed to take a break, I should have done something physical. If its cold outside, I could have done gentle walking on treadmill. Or come up with something else physical to do, anything to turn my mind to something else.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2020 11:46 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
Lesson 27
At first I thought I do not have a compulsive chain with multiple rituals at the same time, but how wrong I was.

Simultaneous rituals
- when traveling I am excited by the prospect of being able to stare more women
- come across women in hotel, airport, mall anywhere
- start staring at her (Beginning)
- focus on her chest and back (No return)
- imagine her to be naked
- urge to masturbate and get a release
- get back to the hotel
- surf on porn sites for hours
- walk around naked in the room
- waste a lot of time in finding the perfect model and a perfect video
- feel excitement, even though mind is saying to stop
- look around from the hotel window to locate any women around
- masturbate while looking at those women, or timing it with the model in the porn
- feeling exhausted
- extremely angry at myself for wasting time
- go to sleep very tired
- but again start the process after a few hours

Simultaneous rituals that began a few years ago:

- look for a massage parlor (Beginning)
- debate myself not to visit the parlor
- decide to check the website just one time (No return)
- urge to visit the parlor one time
- excitement on the way to the parlor, what beauty will I see there, what will she do to me
- mind says to stop, but I don't
- visit the parlor with just the right amount of money
- go through the massage
- feel in control of the process
- ejaculation at the end
- relief at the release of the pressure
- return to hotel
- guilty and sad the next day
- but the memories of the parlor keep coming back (they never stop even after years)

Back to back

- watching TV, visiting mall, driving, watching movie - anywhere
- come across a woman I consider hot
- now most women qualify
- start fantasizing them naked (Beginning)
- extreme urge to see them naked
- follow them inconspicuous when in mall
- return home and extreme urge/pressure to look at porn
- excitement at what I will 'discover' in the porn (No return)
- surf favorite porn sites looking for a model that looks similar to the woman I had seen
- if I had seen a movie, then just google for her nude videos
- mostly the videos of the movie actresses are not hot enough for me anymore
- so again look for porn models that are similar
- masturbate to the videos that I have identified
- time the ejaculation with particular acts in the video
- relief at release of pressure
- wipe myself, delete the computer memory
- come out of the bathroom as if everything is normal
- feel guilty and remorseful
- the relief lasts only for sometime until I get the next urge


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2020 12:31 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 122
values4joy wrote:
Lesson 27
- look for a massage parlor (Beginning)
- debate myself not to visit the parlor
- decide to check the website just one time (No return)

- watching TV, visiting mall, driving, watching movie - anywhere
- come across a woman I consider hot
- now most women qualify
- start fantasizing them naked (Beginning)
- extreme urge to see them naked
- follow them inconspicuous when in mall
- return home and extreme urge/pressure to look at porn
- excitement at what I will 'discover' in the porn (No return)


Hi Values

Well done on working your way through the workshop again. I was struck by your work on compulsive chains above and where you thought the PONR (Point of No Return) came in your behaviours. To my mind, it feels as if you are giving yourself way too much leeway before recognising that you're at that point. In the first example above, I know that in the past when I searched for a massage parlour, that was already too late for me. And in the second example, following an attractive woman through the mall also feels as if you have already gone too far down the road of no return. I feel you need to work your way back a bit more, i,e. you dont suddenly decide to look for a massage parlour out of nothing. There are some stages before that you need to identify along with the emotional state that brought you to that point. I didnt start to make progress in the workshop until I was honest enough to recognise that the PONR was way earlier in the process than I previously admitted.

I was also struck that in a previous lesson you mentioned being at a loose end and not being able to work out what to do in order to get rid of the feelings. At no point do you mention taking out your list of values and genuinely engaging with them. Again, that simple act forces me to stop and fully recognise the impact of what I am doing and the potential consequences.

Keep going and all the best with your ongoing journey through the workshop. I hope you find the breakthrough you're looking for this time.

Tim


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2020 2:38 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
Lesson 28

Most recent compulsive behavior
- I saw a movie on Netflix
- while watching the movie I kept thinking about the leading actress (Beginning of ritual)
- the mind said to focus on the movie
- but the urge was too strong
- every time the movie had a close-up of the actress, I imagined her naked
- I couldn't concentrate on the movie
- once the movie ended, luckily I went to bed as I had completed a RN lesson that day and knew I shouldn't think anything more
- next day as I started working, a thought came - how would she look naked
- the urge was too strong to search her on the internet
- I was excited by the thought of seeing her naked
- I googled her and found a a couple of videos and a few pictures (No return)
- her naked pictures aroused me. But I thought my wife was beautiful too.
- Again, I was lucky that I had done a RN lesson the previous day
- I didn't think anything more
- I cleaned the internet history
- I started working (may have taken a break before starting work)

Adding destructive elements (and I have added some of these a million times)

- when watching the movie, stop and pick up a computer (Beginning, No return)
- search for her nude videos immediately
- once I see the videos, fantasize how hot would it be to have sex with her
- I am filled with excitement at how I can escape everyday life through my fantasies in which I can have sex with so many hot women
- search other porn sites to identify models that are similar to her
- look for arousing videos
- the urge to masturbate is irresistible now
- masturbate and ejaculate to the videos
- wipe myself off, clean the memory
- too exhausted now to continue watching the movie
- angry at myself for not completing the movie, for wasting time
- next day, again watch those videos and masturbate again
- take a shower with the hope that I am now clean
- start thinking that everything is normal again


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2020 2:45 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
[/quote]

Hi Values

Well done on working your way through the workshop again. I was struck by your work on compulsive chains above and where you thought the PONR (Point of No Return) came in your behaviours. To my mind, it feels as if you are giving yourself way too much leeway before recognising that you're at that point. In the first example above, I know that in the past when I searched for a massage parlour, that was already too late for me. And in the second example, following an attractive woman through the mall also feels as if you have already gone too far down the road of no return. I feel you need to work your way back a bit more, i,e. you dont suddenly decide to look for a massage parlour out of nothing. There are some stages before that you need to identify along with the emotional state that brought you to that point. I didnt start to make progress in the workshop until I was honest enough to recognise that the PONR was way earlier in the process than I previously admitted.

I was also struck that in a previous lesson you mentioned being at a loose end and not being able to work out what to do in order to get rid of the feelings. At no point do you mention taking out your list of values and genuinely engaging with them. Again, that simple act forces me to stop and fully recognise the impact of what I am doing and the potential consequences.

Keep going and all the best with your ongoing journey through the workshop. I hope you find the breakthrough you're looking for this time.

Tim[/quote]

Hello Coach Tim,

Thank you so much for writing. Sometimes, it feels terribly lonely and messages like these give me conviction that there are humans who are reading these posts and helping me along. I agree with you. The beginning that I describe is actually too far down the road. However, at this stage my thoughts are still jumbled up and the first few steps happen in a flash. What I am able to see sometimes is the emotional kick from the intermediate steps as I try to stop before point of no return. I will keep your suggestions in mind.

Warmly,

Values


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 07, 2020 4:00 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:50 pm
Posts: 91
Lesson 29

My values
- Trustworthiness
- Strength (esp strength of character)
- consistency
- taking care of yourself

Best memory: when I scored well on grade 10 exams; while I was being married
- Proud of myself
- Anxious, fearful about future
- Yet, feeling of accomplishment
- Feeling strong
- Want it to continue
- Stressed, but happy stress

Worst memory: nearly found out by the admin asst. while masturbating in my office, would have ruined my life and my family’s life
- So sad at not being able to trust myself
- Weak
- Guilty
- Anxious on how I will trust myself if a similar situation arose again
- So stressed out that I masturbated immediately again to relieve it

Regrets

- Not able to trust myself
- not working sincerely/consistently

Thoughts during compulsive ritual
- thrill
- oh, how much fun it will be, for sure, and right now
- alternative is uncertain, no fun
- no one will find out
- sad at not being able to trust myself
- one more wasted moment
- anxiety - there I go again in the drain
- impatience - when will it all end
- lets just enjoy this.
- visual sensory delight: oh how beautiful this body is and I can enjoy it in my fantasies
- it is just one more time


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