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PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2014 3:46 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 24


Visual Stimulation (Sight)
Physical Stimulation (Touch)

1, Look at Porn at Work - Randomly

1. I would be in the office, I would be feeling desperate about my surroundings and my overall position, the piling up of work that i felt i couldn't do and the list of problems i felt wasn't capable of solving i would get stressed and more depressed thinking about it.
2. I would “feel a pull” to make a few clicks and all the stress would disappear for a while
3. I would get the urge to look at images of naked women as i knew it would excite me and lift my mood
4. I would click on one of two porn hubs i used to frequent, pick a category and start browsing
5. I would feel like time was slowing down, I didn't have problems anymore,
6. I wouldn't masturbate i would just look, scrolling through images for somthing i would rate highly (if i was giving them ratings)
7. If i found a good image i would linger on it for longer, feeling some kind of goal had been achieved, then move on,
8. I would carry this process on, never finding the perfect image and so just scrolling
9. I would fantasise that i was in the picture with whichever woman i was objectifying
10. I would click off and shut down, and try to go back to work,
11. I would feel a brief lift in mood, followed by the realisation that all the problems were still there anyway.

2. Masturbate to Porn Viewing weekend at work

1. I would plan to go into work on a Saturday, as i always had so much to do
2. I started to have inner conflict with myself right away as i knew that i would end up looking at porn, rather than working, even though i tried to tell myself i wouldnt
3. On that morning, i would be determined to work and not view porn, again deep down i knew it wouldn't happen
4. On the way to to work, i accepted that i was only going in to look at porn undisturbed, and once i accepted that the conflict went away and i felt better, after that i felt excited with anticipation, as if the computer was pulling me towards it from 10 miles away
5. By the time i got to work i would be almost running up the stairs, all notion that i was actually going to do any work gone.
6. I would follow the steps listed above, looking at images, finding the good ones, moving on, pausing, looking, moving on, choosing another porn category, repeat.
7. All this would increase my arousal, excitement, and i would be lost in it,
8. I would be masturbating at this point, and everything would feel connected, brain body, visual mental, outside world gone.
9. I would try not to orgasm but keep going until i found the perfect image to orgasm to, but really wanting to keep at that point as long as possible.
10. When i did orgasm i would adequately feel shame, regret, anger, denial, and sadness, I couldn't close porn sites off fast enough, and i would then try to get on with work convincing myself that was what i went there in the first place and now i was doing it so everything was ok.

2. Look for a stranger to chat casually with on the Net

1. This could happen at work, over brief or long periods
2. Again the pull of boredom, escapism, fantasy, the need to avoid stress and real world problems were the elements driving it.
3. The anticipation could be powerful, because it was a two way thing involving someone else as opposed to just images on a screen
4. I would enter a chat room, and start to converse with anyone,
5. Sometimes i would be politely like a normal conversation or sometimes just say something shocking and see what reaction i got.
6 The Aim of the whole process was to engage in conversation with someone who then could be added on a “friends list” on chat software which means they could be chatted to again.
7. There was a massive sense of accomplishment if this was achieved,
8. I got pleasure from achieving this with different woman in different parts of the world
9. I used to have a dilemma about meeting such woman for real in the real world, which would worry me, as this was always a line i said i would never cross and so i used to only look for such woman in other countries,
9. I got a feeling of accomplishment and power just from the feeling that there was someone out there on the other side of the world, who i now had on my chat list and that would mean i could engage in chat which might happen at any random point in the future which was exciting.

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2014 3:41 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson Twenty-Five :Develop your own compulsive ritual. Make this relatively simple. List the primary elements in a similar fashion as exampled

Compulsive Ritual - Masturbating to Internet Porn Images

1. Fee the need to be distracted from work or whatever i am doing at the computer
2. Start thinking about Porn Images
3. Get feelings of well-being, sexual urges and feelings of being drawn to it
4. Click on Porn Website (PONR)
5. Start Scrolling and clicking through images
6. Get Aroused
7. Feel the need to start masturbating
8. Feel the need to look for what i consider a really good 8/10 image or above
9. Keep scrolling and clicking looking for it
10. Begin masturbating while looking
11. Start to become aware of time element (ie time taken so far)
12. Go back to previous images i though rated highly
13. Get close to climaxing
14. Focus on one or two images
15. Orgasm
16. Close down quickly any open windows
17. Clean up, feel shame, distract my self from what i have just done by launching back into what i was doing at the start.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:50 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 26 - 'map out' one of your rituals

Ritual - Looking to for a stranger in a chatroom

1. I feel the need/urge to be distracted from problems - examine the options in my head, view porn, open chat software, go to a chatroom? decide on chat software to engage in chat leading to sexual chat
2. Feel spirits uplifted from problems faced at the thought of sexual chat with a stranger
3. Decide to login to chat software to see if any previous added contacts are online
4. Start to feel aroused and elated while software loads
5. Feel deflated/disappointed when no one is online
6. Fee the need to fill this void quickly and then decide to go look for someone new in a chatroom
7. Enter one of several chat rooms, start to message women
8. Get frustrated as conversations don't go anywhere
9. Come across some who is friendly feel excited.
10. Start thinking sexual thoughts, and feel aroused at conversation progressing in this way with this person
11. Introduce some element of sex into the conversation
12. Sense of anticipation if they accept or reject
13. When reciprocate feel excited and experience an immediate high
14. Add to chat software as a friend, so i can see instantly if they are online in future
15. Get a sense of accomplishment at the outcome where there is now someone now on my chat software who is open to reciprocating in sexual chat which can be continued in the future.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2014 3:12 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
The background to this lesson has struck a chord with me, sometimes i struggle to understand the concepts, and i have to re-read them over sometimes 5 or 6 times before i embark on the exercise.

This lesson is one where while reading it, i was thinking, oh my god that was me exactly. Thats exactly how i was, how i thought, and what i was doing, and why i was doing it.

The concept of multiple chains and multiple rituals, where they get more varied and added to, because the first set "arent doing it for anymore" is exactly how i lived my life for a long time becoming more and more dependent on the them to live my life until they began to control me. It makes me feel sick thinking back when it was the worst, how I managed to get through a day for so long. without imploding, but the fact is I eventually did.

Chain 1 - multiple rituals are engaged in simultaneously — thus enhancing the overall amount of stimulation derived from the behaviour.

Webcam Session with Woman somewhere in the world. The different rituals all taking place at the same time, would be Masturbation, Viewing Of Pornography with different categories of images open, Communication sexually with an actual person in real time, exhibitionism exposing myself to that person, power and control over that person, engaging in fantasy, getting aroused from a strangers arousal from what i was controlling, arousal from other persons voice or video, arousal from the porn i was viewing at the sometime. It could end up with multiple web browser windows open, porn videos playing, chat software, with porn pictures in the window, being viewed simultaneously by the person i was engaged in chat with, microphone feed open and webcam video on to see the other person, fantasies going around in my head, and masturbating at the same time or typing.

Each one of those rituals at one point had the the desired affect, and it got the point where I was needing to put them all together at the same time, and the effect of that was beginning to wear off, and so I would be in state of turmoil thinking about it all and how and what i would do next,

Chain 2 - Not sure if i can recall properly examples of how i would put rituals back to back, i guess the above example is the result of putting rituals back to back until they all culminated in happening simultaneously.

For example -

Start to view porn pictures
Get bored, view porn videos
Go back to pictures
Start masturbating
Go in a chat room
Engage in chat to specifically try and add a person to my lsit who
Eventually get to the stage where that person is engaged in the activity above.

Need to think more about this, in the next sessions.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 2:48 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 29

Thinking about emotions for 15 mins with my eyes closed, and really its the negative emotions that come to surface. I think about guilt, and remorse, regret and sadness. I think how i have made my wife sad beyond belief at the things that i have done and that makes me extremely sad and experience more regret and guilt. The thoughts that trigger more sadness was how I let myself become i became, and how i should have the strength to choose the right oath instead of the path I chose and the decisions i made.

I let my wife down badly and I hope for forgiveness. I then get glimpses of positive emotions, some happiness thoughts some hope. Hope that I am half way along this process of making myself a better person, and that the pieces of a good life are in front of me and now just need rearranging in the right order and putting together. I feel hope that my work efforts are going in the right direction and that there is a future there.

I thought of my children and how amazing they are, how their lives are full of potential, opportunity experiences, adventure, as the world is opening out before them. This makes me really happy and at the same time sad because i had all that at one time and i threw it all away.

I was mindful in 15 minutes there is still an absence of real happiness and joy in my life at the moment and which i desperately want, but i feel i don't yet deserve that which is probably a real hindrance in connecting with my wife in the way that i desperately want, this leads to thoughts of anxiety. I was thinking of just yesterday that i made my wife laugh properly with some stupid thing I said, this is somthing i used to do and the fact it can still happen gives me hope we will connect again. I know revealing my emotions is something i don't do and never have, so I am looking forward to this next stage, looking forward with positive hope is a good sign in itself.

With regards to anxiety, I think i have always been in state of suppressed anxiety for a long long time. Anxiety was stemming from a lot of things but mainly from the fact i had a porn addiction and i had to keep it under wraps which led me to a constant state of anxiety bubbling away under the surface. My least anxious state i have been in I think is when i was on holiday in the past somewhere hot, away from computers, away from work, away from everything, just being with my wife and children experiencing nice things, being with the people i loved, thinking that I can be normal, beating the anxiety for a short while as it wasn't in control of me.

The most anxious I have ever been in when I had a failing business, i had deep depression, and a massive porn addiction which i used to use to escape it all, the problems both financial and emotional at work and at home, made the levels of anxiety unbearable to the point i felt dead inside, like a walking shell where i thought everyday would be my last one.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2014 3:38 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 31

Identifiable Emotional Stressors Affecting my Health in the past week

Lack of emotional connection with my wife - moderate/severe
Lack of physical intimacy with my wife - moderate/severe
Anxiety over business and home finances - moderate/severe
Inability to stay organized - feeling that organisation runs away with me - moderate/severe
Seemingly running out of time all the time - moderate
Inability to feel happy - moderate
Thought of interest rates going up and what that will do to finances - moderate/severe
Thought of my car breaking down and not having funds to fix it - severe
Thought of extreme anxiety and worry becoming a real problem - moderate/severe
My inability to reconnect with friends - moderate
My lack of progress on RM and where i am with the whole process - moderate

Looking back on the 15 priorities values and they are still the ones i priorities (which is good) however looking at the list of things that are causing me stress (above) and i am way off track.

My life is far from balances at this moment, even though i think i have made a lot of progress (and in a lot of areas i have), I am currently I think further away from clinical depression that i have been in a very long time. However My anxiety levels and worry levels are up and seem to be climbing.

I need to aware that if this increases this will lead to depression again and then the danger is i revert back to previous ways in order to feel better. I can't let that happen. I am already suffering from massive amounts of guilt and shame and feel like constant sadness and unhappiness is my punishment for past crimes and misdemeanors. This goes against everything RM is telling me, and i know i am not going to achieve my values and balance while i feel this way, but it is proving to be a difficult one to crack.

I am still expending energy on negativity, this seems to be second nature to me, it seems to be the norm, and i am finding it very difficult to break away from this mindset and i am worried that this will be my second downfall if i let it continue.

On a positive side, my business is making progress (but my lack of time management and organization and lapse of focus, prevents it from really taking off). Also i still don't drink alcohol after giving up on the 1st Jan 2014, which is great and its something i think is a real achievement. I also have resigned up gym membership and will be getting back to good fitness very soon.

I am also quite lucid and able to write this with spending ages thinking about it, previous RN posts have often taken me hours so i see this as a good sign, and want to do my exercises quickly but with proper thought and meaning so i can get progressing again.

The answer to C, is that i am not currently seeing a pattern of the majority of meaning and stimulation that I gain is related to my highest values.

I need to really revisit these values, daily if necessary now and ingrain them into my mind like i am revising for a test. I really don't know where i am currently getting meaning and stimulation from at present, I guess i am not getting any or very little. A recent camping trip with my two daughters was fantastic and i got a huge amount of stimulation and meaning from it, I should have used this a way of being motivated and focused when I got home this week, but i was hit with a massive sense of sadness and mild depression on the way home, which I am out of now, but really shouldn't of happened, the break should have provided me with a renewed sense of vigour and motivation, but it didn't. Again i suspect that this is because i am not focusing on my values enough.

PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2014 6:13 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 32 - review previous action plans

Being Organised and having good organisation skills

- Maintaining my to do lists everyday
- Prioritising my to do lists every day
- Put meetings and appointments on the family calendar
- Dont ignore something that takes less than a minute to do.
- Asking my wifes help to stay organised.
- Plan out the week ahead with my wife (family jobs, shopping, food menu's dog walking etc)
- Keep a tidy desk
- Get a filing routine and stick to it
-Schedule time each month for filing, paperwork, bookeeping.
- Keep the house free of mess
- Review my calendar in advance daily
- Ask my children to stick to their planned tasks (music practice, homework etc)

I am still hugely disorganised, but I am less so than before. Is this progress? well its a little but certainly not enough. My wife knows i am disorganized and still has the patience to help me. I am currently planning out the week ahead, but I find it still to easy to divert from the plan. My desk still isn't tidy.

I am in more of a routine now when I wrote the plan, but i still forget to do important things to stay organised, check calendars, keep lists.

I know one of the keys to counter a chaotic mind is to get structure, focus and organisation, thing i have never been, I could easily say its not in my personality to be like this, but that is a copout, I have to work harder.

The new plan, I think needs to be much like the older one, but with the added thing of reviewing it every week. To keep reminding myself trying to ingrain these plans and points into my behaviour without the need to look as it doesn't come naturally.

To have more quality time with my family

- Plan out all the necessary family jobs with my wife so we can all have free time to spend doing cool stuff
- Have at least 2-3 Sundays every month where we go out and do something for the day
- Plan a camping trip when there a god weekend of weather
- Stay off mobile phones and computers when we are all together
- Play more games or cards
-Learn to play the guitar with my eldest daughter
- Watch less TV
- Foster an environment with less TV, and Computers and more communication
-Have active conversations with my family about their days, their news and their thoughts

Well we did the camping trip, accept my wife didn't come, she had too much work and she doesn't really like camping, I really wanted her to come but i totally understand her side as she was starting a new job and need to plan for it that weekend. We had a wonderful time, camping and canoeing on a big empty lake having a picnic and playing cards at night and getting lots of fresh air. I really missed my wife on this trip however and I wanted her to be there so much, but i didn't really bring it up with her.

I certainly watch less TV, but rather than spend that time on here, or doing some exercise i find myself trying to work and it ends up just being unproductive time, which doesn't help at all.

We still don't play enough games etc as a family, on our camping trip we did every night, but we don't make any time for that at home. I dont think we are trying harder enough to foster an environment with less tech and more communication.

We also are not scheduling enough nice days out as a family. Work (which i often have to do at weekend) gets in the way. But again i just don't think we are trying hard enough.

Improving my general health and fitness

- No Alcohol during the week.
- Limited Alcohol at the weekend
- Walk the dog at least 5 times a week
- Do my back exercises every day
- Buy a foam roller and kettle bell - and do 10 mins stretching and lifting every day
- Go back to regular running with my brother
- Do three long runs a month on Sunday Morning 7.00am
- Maximum of 1 takeaway a month
- 10 mins on the treadmill everyday
- One long bike ride a month on Sunday Morning 7.00am
- Eat 80% less than i normally do on portion sizes

Well i have given up alcohol completely and its going fine, as someone who has an addictive personality and could have easily been an alcoholic (although i never was) i don't drink at all, and don't have a problem sticking to it. I just consider myself as someone who doesn't drink.

I walk the dog every day more or less. But i have completely neglected hard exercise. I am a member of a gym and i never go, i don't do much running any more when i used to do a lot. I eat healthy and don't drink, so i can’t understand why i have so much inertia about more exercise, which worries me, I don't have a relationship with my brother at all and he used to be a good motivator for me to go running. After reading these plans I am shocked about how much of them have fallen away. I need to rectify this right away, especially since i have recently entered a more depressive state and i am back on anti-depressant pills.

To get secure financially

-Write my new business plan in agreement with my Wife
-Stick to it
-Chase leads, Make the calls, get the meetings
-Discard photoshoots that done earn
-Concentrate on money making areas rather than creative ones that don't earn
-Be focused and stick to the plan
-Take more responsibility in home finances
-Have specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timely GOALS
- Be 100% motivated, committed and positive.
-Move in 1 Direction
-Don't get distracted
-Be Ultra Organised
-Spend 20 mins a day on my Business Plan

I now have business plan of sorts and at least i now know where exactly my business needs to go and what i need to do to get there. There has been some growth and some progress, but finance is still tight and this adds to the pressure and stress.

I still have inertia about calling people sometimes, some days i am ok, and some days its like everything in my head is stopping me, like its the most fearful thing in the world, and then on another day that feeling just goes, I can't understand it. Out of everything its one of my biggest problems and something i need to tackle head on, but i am not quite sure how.

I don't do stuff now that doesn't earn money, and i have the right Goals and targets, its just needs better implementation, again organisation is the key and focus,

Be Positive

- Avoid negative influences
-Look for a bright side in every situation
-Put Anger and Frustration to the back of my mind as soon as I can feel it develop
-Re Read The Happiness project
-Smile more
-Spend 10 mins a day on my business plan to confirm that its achievable
-Don't be afraid of knockbacks or setbacks
-Go to bed knowing that i have achieved something that day
-Be aware of negative thoughts and challenge them
-Start a Yoga Class

Positivity has taken a backstep just recently. Some days i am very positive and some days its unbelievably low, especially recently, My Wife and Children went to visit her parents this week and have been away for 10 days, about 2-3 weeks ago i had so much positivity and had plans on doing so much good stuff. But when they left i felt unbelievably depressed and sunk into a few days of difficulty, and made the decision to go back on antidepressants, these have kicked in a bit now and i feel like its taken the edge of it.

Reading through these plans and seeing how i am not there with them and i am letting them slide is a shock, but its not putting me in a depressed state, in fact its doing the opposite and its made me think, I need to just keep reviewing and doing, reviewing and doing. I don't need self help books or how to be happy books etc etc, to keep positive and improve myself and progress to be a better person, father and husband, i just need to keep reading all the good stuff i wrote in these plans and make sure i do them.

I am suffering from Anger at my actions, and guilt and shame from what i have put my wife through. I have to put these negative thoughts and feelings to one side, accept what i did was wrong and spend energy on being a better person, rather than spending energy on being negative and guilty.

Thats what will improve positivity. Everytime i think negative, i am going to be negative. Everytime I think positive I am going to be positive, its should be an easy choice.

Finding the outgoing but honest personality i once had

- Laugh and Smile
- Have Sarcastic Banter with my Wife
-Contact all my Uni friends even just to say hello
-Go Camping with another family this summer
- Go Cycling with my mate once a month
- Go see humorous movies at the cinema
-Go see a live stand up comedy act
-Turn the music up loud when I am in the Kitchen on my own and sing to it

My wife said to me just recently, You used to be such a sociable person. It shocked me, as I realised she was right. I have been replaced by sort of miserable, sad, and getting more lonely person. I have done none of the things on this list, apart from one Uni friend who I met up with. I can laugh and smile with my children, there is a lot less laughing and smiling with my wife and i miss that so much.

I really need to work on this whole area, or i am danger of ending up like my dad who was an alcoholic and now is pretty miserable living on his own at the age of 70, while my Mum who is a positive person has a good quality of life and enjoys her life despite losing so much in it.

To think of others before i make decisions

-Analyse my activities - do they fit with my goals and plans
-Talk things through with my wife before making any major decisions
-Ask myself - do i feel even slightly guilty about what I am about to decide to do? if so stop and re evaluate
-Have more family decision making meetings
-Think would my family be proud or upset if I took this course of action

This is a better area for me. I do try think about what i do and how they affect others, i have had some setbacks, such major setbacks, where i have managed to hurt my wife again with some of the decisions i have made, a lot of the time i try to do the right thing,

I have to fine tune this, talk everything through, make decisions together.

Being determined, with perseverance, resolve and self control

-Stick to the plan!
- Don’t Give Up
-Don’t get down when negative things arise
-Don't let problems get in the way of achievement
-Re evaluate where I am once a month
-Look at the big picture
-Increase the value of my goals, and decrease the value of my temptations
-Avoid my bad habits
-Affirm values by reading through the action plan every week
-Recognize when my self control tank is low, and be more aware at this time
-Work more to deadlines and stick to them
-Stay off the computer unless i am working or researching - keep it on the desk not on my lap
-Read some self improvement blogs

This is all good stuff, but i am just not doing it enough. I have improved in these areas but just not enough. Now i don't watch much TV i end up staying on the computer more, attempting to work, but its just wasted time.

I am avoiding bad habits, but still have some, My self control and positivity need constant work on, again just reading this highlights i have done some hard work in coming up with these plans, they are the right action plans, where i am failing is reviewing and implementing, reviewing and correcting.

Finding a healthy mind, - with calmness, clarity, awareness and equanimity and kaizen

-Exercise - 10 mins day treadmill, walk dog every day, one long run a week, stretching every day, Kettlebell every other day - 10 mins, One long Bike ride a week
-If i get angry think about this post until i become calm
-Try Yoga Class, good for my bad back, good for calmness
-Keep my eye on the big picture and not irrelevant pointless detail that doesn't contribute - clarity of thought, to keep focused
-If anger or aggression forms take 10 deep breathes
-Get off the Citalopram in 6 months
-Have a go at meditation see if it benefits
-ask myself every month - Have I improved as a person from the month before?

Excise - i take the dog for walk, everything else is a big fat fail at present
I decided not to do Yoga, as my wife things it would be full of young supple women stretching. I actually didn't even think of that when i thought about going to a Yoga class, but with hindsight there is probably better ways i can achieve the same benefits.

I have a big picture now, its pretty clear. Just need to paint it.

I got off the Citalopram but now i’m back on it so thats another fail, but not one that i am too worried about, i think i came off it too early, and if being back on it helps my mood so that i can do good things and get my head straight then its no bad thing.

I let anger form about my own past actions and decisions, i need to let it go, whats done is done, i can't change the past, just control the future. Anger just leads to negative thoughts and more feelings of depression and hopelessness

Strong marriage with fidelity, faithfulness, truthfulness, and respect

Listen to her
Value her individuality
Communicate more
Remember what i have always
Re Read His Needs Her Needs again from start to finish and use its action plans
Be honest with feelings and thoughts
Never be condescending, cutting or belittling, or show contempt it serves no purpose and is always destructive and negative
Say I love you regularly
make sure I give her her own time to recharge

I respect everything my wife says. I try to be honest with thoughts and feelings and I did make progress with it, but it seems to have slipped back. We need to talk regularly without distractions, just chat about whatever and how i and she is feeling. I told her i loved her this week and she didn't say it back. I dont blame her, she doesnt want to give me the feeling that everything is fine, because its not. I suspects she still loves me, I hope more than anything that she does, but I dont expect her to say it just yet, and i know she hates the things i have done with a passion.

I do need to remember what i have, that needs to be the top of any list i ever write.

Be passionate and intimate and romantic with my wife

Communicate about intimacy between us
Be Honest
Do something different and unexpected
Be sincere and creative
Think of different ways to say I love you, something different at least once a week
Give gifts as a surprise
Give her what she needs, and be available and be supportive
No that our personal relationship is more important that other family members or friends
Find time for laughter
Praise, hold hands, kiss hug in public
Keep our sex life, invigorated, interesting, and passionate

We don't have much intimacy at the moment and we have no sex life. I really miss just hugs and smiles, I think we have to start with this, and try to move forward. I love her so much, but i feel guilty when i say it, like i am a fraud or something, and that she doesn't believe me.

Honesty i know is the cornerstone to getting back on track with intimacy, i have to be honest with my thoughts and feelings.

Discovering a great sex life and having fun while doing it and not feeling guilt

Be intimate, (see checklist above) and be loving -Good sex with intimacy is always better
Remember good sex is always better than porn, its no contest!
Try something different at least once a month - and it doesn't have to be outrageous
Go with new positions rather than sticking to the tried and tested
Be spontaneous sometimes, doesn't have to be always though
Be playful, laugh and smile
Talk about what we both want
Keep talking through my past problems and be honest always

All of the above needs a totally fresh start, its not even on the radar yet.

Being courageous to do the right thing when its the difficult path

Don’t crumble under pressure
Think Positively
Have a can do attitude
Stick to the plan
Don’t let short term distractions get in the way of long term goals
Believe in myself
Have a good attitude to my Wife and children
Don’t hesitate

I feel like i am crumbling under pressure just now. I need to rectify this before it becomes a major problem, The above list is an extension of other items, again it is just about keeping my values in mind, being focused and positive. Sounds easy, why is it not as easy as it sounds> but then everything worth keeping has to be worked for or you lose it.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2014 4:43 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 33

This is a good exercise but one that I am unsure if i am doing correctly. Picking out some moments in a day which maybe just an average and unremarkable day and attempting to analyse my emotions and insights was really worthwhile. Without this exercise i may not have given them a passing thought.

Anger and frustration - I had to ring up my mobile phone provider as my contract was coming to an end soon, and i normally get beyond angry when i have to wait in a line of people and press numerous buttons and get transferred to several people. This time i thought about the intensity of emotion scale from 1 to 10 and would have normally though this very high allowing myself to be worked up. During the process i thought any emotion attached to this process shouldn't really be more than a 3, and so I let it all wash over me, and remained as patient as i could, and felt some much better afterwards as I had managed to control something which normally wouldnt.

My other insight of the day, is that as part of my job i have to look at a fair bit of sports media, through forums and news sites. I saw an article regarding a high profile female athlete who had been signed up for a big contract to represent a clothing lifestyle brand. I clicked on the article to see more info to be confronted with a series of images which were fairly provocative, a mix of modelling shots and then some where she was topless covering her breasts with an arm. A Spots star doing a "sexy photoshoot" After several seconds i thought about this exercise and tried to think what am i feeling here, what is my emotional state right now after being presented with this. Did i want more, did i want to see the rest of them? My honest thought that came across was wow isn't it a bit pathetic and predictable a sports athlete is now firmly on the Sex sells bandwagon, probably just because it was paying a massive paycheck. I am pretty sure they could have come up with some photos that were classy and did the job as well without resorting to the sex angle. It made me think how were are bombarded everywhere with this stuff. Then it made me think, well this hasn't made me want to run off to the bathroom to masturbate and i am not desperate to see any more and i am not turned on, so maybe some values are beginning to embed themselves in me for the better.

My other insight was that my Wife and Children had just been back from America after visiting her parents. They had all gone to see Cabaret a broadway show and we were talking about it, unbeknown to my wife it was full of sex scenes which were probably too much for my two teenage daughters to watch. My wife's reaction was that she was glad i wasn't there. And i thought well she is probably right, but this is how messed up i have been when my wife is more concerned with me watching sex scenes in a broadway play than my children. I dont know what i would have thought if i had been watching simulated threesomes and other stuff being acted out, but i am glad i wasn't there. As for my kids it made me think, they are going to be subjected to worse than this as they go through life, they will be bombarded with images of sex and the objectification of women, but again it comes down to instilling them with the right values so they can make the right choices and judgement. Basically the stuff that i am only learning now at the age of 42.

Another quick insight is that my wife and i were watching Breaking Bad. As a series there isn't that much sexualisation in it on the whole, but it does come up occasionally. An opening scene on the episode we were watching had Jesse on of the main characters and his friends, partying with a big group of semi naked strippers. Watching this with my wife right away i felt highly uncomfortable, but i dont know why i feel uncomfortable, my main thought wasn't titillation or being turned on. My main thought was it all looks very sleezy. I didnt in anyway think, that looks like it something i would want to do. So i am not sure what to make of that.

This excerice has shown me today how much sexulaisation is around in one unremarkable day, and how i am always going to confront it unless i lock myslef in a room 24/7. I feel like this exercise has opened up a toolbox to let me look at this and deal with it from a different viewpoint almost as if i am detached from myself and analyzing what i am seeing and thinking. Its made me think that apart from porn which i have to go looking for, and hopefully i wont, i am still going to be surrounded by sexual content and images, and so i have to develop the tools to deal with it all in a way which does not impact on me in a negative way. But today so far so good.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 03, 2014 3:17 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 34 Exercise:
Immediate gratification plays the primary role in the lives of most people who struggle with addiction. In your Personal Recovery Thread, share the following:

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:

All my immediate gratification revolved around viewing of porn, and so there are obviously lots of examples. There was a time when I had a one night stand, and the cheating online aside, was the only time i did this. This was fueled definitely by immediate gratification i can remember that much, but i was also very drunk and very depressed at the time and my recollection of it has faded considerably. I do remember thinking that i didn't care about the consequences, and that i didn't care about anything really other than what i could get out of it, at that moment, that night. All i wanted was to cross the boundary from my activities in the online world, to one in the physical world. The alcohol took what little self control i still had in that respect away, and the immediate gratification principal took over. I think if i wasnt drunk it wouldn't have happened, but then i wasnt drunk when i looked at porn, and so maybe it was only a matter of time on my downward spiral, i had looked at enough porn as i was getting sick of it, but still needed something to satisfy the immediate gratification principle, so although i like like to think that it wouldn't have happened if i wasnt drunk, and on that particular occasion it probably wouldn't, i was in danger of it happening later on.

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.

The anxiety is real, you can get an uncomfortable feeling, you want to do it and you don't want to do it at the same time. You want it, but you know its wrong. You want it, and you feel ashamed for wanting it, You want it, and then like any junkie trying to convince himself that one more hit won't do any harm, its like “i;ll just look for 5 mins” then 5 mins becomes an hour.

I don't look at porn anymore but as i said in my previous post in the other excise we are surrounded by sexual imagery, i see images which are not porn, but i could easily click into to see more, and that temptation is there. But i try to think nowadays, “what's the point,” some of the “training” on here takes over, and i can rationalise what i am doing or about to do. Same goes for just being out and about, we are surrounded by females, and i check myself before it happens, sometimes a thought comes into my head, like “i have noticed her, because she is prettier than the person next to her” and i think well that might be normal for the average person, but for me, its not good to be thinking that, and then i move on.

C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?

Its like a relief, at first, like i have crossed the line, ahh fuck it well i might as well enjoy myself then. I have relief because i was worrying about doing it, but now i have so i don't have to worry about that anymore. The shame and guilt which was prevalent and so strong 30 seconds ago, is now getting pressed down, buried, forgotten, overwhelmed, it gets left behind and diminished. The hear and now pleasure principle is in full effect. Viewing porn after 5 mins and I am hyper alert and yes it does end up in a trance like feeling especially and more so when masturbation happens as well. Its like nothing matters now, its like i have tunnel vision, and time slows down its all about the moment, trying to get as much good feeling out of that window as possible because i know when its over i am going to to feel horrible and shit again but i am trying to push that thought away at the same time as a well.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2014 4:48 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Excercise 35 - Daily and Weekly Monitoring

Daily Monitoring - The area i am going to be monitoring daily is my organisational weakness and productivity and my ability to get distracted and disorganised.

I have written down, "Today I am going to look for opportunities to be organised and proactive" - I have stuck it on computer screen in my office, on my window sill in the bedroom so i see it when i get up and open the blinds, and I am going to stick another one on the fridge in kitchen. I am working from home all week and this is when I most need to be organised and proactive.

Weekly Monitoring

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment. Think specific actions you experienced, not general ideals

To be followed up in 7 days

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?

To be followed up in 7 days

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behaviour)?

To be followed up in 7 days

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.

To be followed up in 7 days

Important areas for the following 7 days to be reviewed in weekly monitoring

- health and fitness
- Overcoming motivational blocks
- dealing with anxiety
-Putting things off that i don't want to do
-Instigating communication with my wife

PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 5:01 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Exercise 35 recap

Daily Monitoring - The area i am going to be monitoring daily is my organisational weakness and productivity and my ability to get distracted and disorganised.

I have written down, "Today I am going to look for opportunities to be organised and proactive" - I have stuck it on computer screen in my office, on my window sill in the bedroom so i see it when i get up and open the blinds, and I am going to stick another one on the fridge in kitchen. I am working from home all week and this is when I most need to be organised and proactive.

This week my i think i got through my daily monitoring tasks and objectives pretty well. I was much more organised this week as a result of having a yellow sticky note looking at me, in my office whenever i sat down to do some work. It did however fade a little during the week. I did however get through almost all the things i had set my self at the beginning of the week and reviewed that daily. When i didnt get through the things that i wanted to though, this left me with frustration which i need to work on. There is no point in being over frustrated and have anxiety nagging away over something,when i just need to ensure I reprioritise daily.

Weekly Monitoring - recap

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment. Think specific actions you experienced, not general ideals

-Completing a task(s) that i had set out to do
-being able to finish something completely
-getting out each morning and walking the dog before starting work.
- I started headspace on a trial, which is a site that teaches you how to mediate, the free trial guides you through 10 days of ten mins of meditation, I found it very useful and got a lot of fulfilment from it. It seemed to help a lot in ways that i am not sure i understand yet, but its something that i hope i can get into and use if it provides benefit

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?

Dealing with anxiety mainly around the following areas.

My relationship with my wife - We have a no physical/inatmcy boundary thing going on at the moment at her request which completely respect but i find it hard, and i think about it a lot.
- My Dad has been diagnosed with Cancer and its bring up a lot of negative family issues which i have to deal with. But I am dealing with this way better than i would have previously
- I get really anxious when i cant stick to my organised plans, it pulls a lot of negative energy from me. I am not sure exactly why i find it so hard sometimes, but i am getting better.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behaviour)?

I think i did pretty well this week. I definitely need to communicate with my wife around this though. My compulsive behaviour at present revolves around, being distracted on the internet, which is not a huge problem its not like i am wasting a lot of time because i am not, its just something that i am aware to look out for which is good. Also I have compulsive behaviour which involves making lots of cups of coffee, again i think its a distraction mechanism. But this week i have being focused on health a lot more, and I have drunk far less coffee as a result which has meant i have not wanted to look for a distraction tool of making it. (I am drinking green tea instead, but doesn't require a making ritual)

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.

-Deadlines defiantly i have a lot of work on, and a lot of deadlines i need to be on top of it all, so i dont piss of customers, and so it doesn't effect my income and finances. I have to be organised this week, better than last week.

Important areas for the following 7 days to be reviewed in weekly monitoring - recap of this week

- health and fitness - Good, did a run for the first time in months which was a major mental hurdle overcome
- Overcoming motivational blocks - Good - but not great
- dealing with anxiety - Better, its been a lot less than previous week.
-Putting things off that i don't want to do - better - focus on organisation has helped - but there is still times when i have struggles with this
-Instigating communication with my wife - Bad - very bad, need to put this right.

PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2014 5:28 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

The first thing that comes to mind with this, is starting this whole process by looking at some porn on the internet, i didn't give boundaries a second thought at the time, i was just firstly satisfying some curiosity, and then quickly after that I it was seeking instant gratification.

I had no boundaries, I thought it was harmless at first. If i had healthy boundaries i would have being telling myself I am in a relationship with someone I love, as then i would have closed it off after the initial curioritsy or I wouldn't have even looked in the first place.

Lack of boundaries became more evident the further i got into it. A boundary must have been there, as i knew every single time that i was crossing it, yet it wasn't defined enough to prevent me, the personal consequences have meant i have risked everything I hold dear as a result of not having well defined values and boundaries.

The crazy thing is which i cant quite get my head round is that before i did this, I had very strong boundaries, and i had pretty good values. I was with my wife before she was my wife for 10 years, and all through college i never did porn, or flirted or looked at other women, i wouldn't have dreamed of it, it went against everything i believed in, and yet it all went wrong later on.

Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

I think i now know what the boundaries are in my life, I need to be honest and open in the event of something where it may threaten those boundaries, I have some situations in my job where sometimes boundaries might be crossed. I need to ensure this is communicated in advance and to let my wife know that i am thinking about boundaries that affect her and me, and that i intend to choose the correct course of action.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2014 4:54 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Exercise 37 - Identifying Personal Boundaries

I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).
II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.
III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.

Value 1 - Having a strong marriage with fidelity, faithfulness, truthfulness, and respect

Rule 1 - I will be honest with my wife at all times
Rule 2 - I will respect my wife's feelings, viewpoint, her state of mind,
Rule 3 - When my wife asks me a question I will give her the truth, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me feel
Rule 4 - If some action or future action is making me uncomfortable I will discuss it with my wife at the earliest opportunity
Rule 5 - I will listen carefully to my wife's viewpoint or wishes, and do my absolute best to accomodate them.
Rule 6 - I will finish the recovery process with the goal of being the best husband i can be.

Absolute Boundary - I will not do anything i cannot tell my wife about.

Value 2 - Improving my physical and mental health and fitness

Rule 1 - Exercise in some form at least once a day
Rule 2 - Do some strenuous exercise at least once a week
Rule 3 - Dont drink alcohol
Rule 4 - Mediate for 10 mins a day
Rule 5 - Do some stretching once a week
Rule 6 - Practise mindfulness
Rule 7 - Eat healthy food all week.

Absolute Boundary - I will do some strenuous exercise at least once a week.

Value 3 - Obtaining financial security for my Family

Rule 1 - I will openly discuss my business plan with my wife and we will decide together what is best
Rule 2 - I will stick to the agreed plan.
Rule 3 - i will see the bigger picture of where i am trying to get to
Rule 4 - I will the plan the details on a daily and weekly basis
Rule 5 - I will stay positive and not let set backs get me down
Rule 6 - I will be organised and proactive
Rule 7 - I will set targets and review them with my wife

Absolute boundary - I will not let any setbacks become an excuse for negativity and a depressive state of mind.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 30, 2014 3:59 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Exercise 38 I. Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.
II. Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?
III. If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.
Share your work in your recovery thread.

Value 1 - Having a strong marriage with fidelity, faithfulness, truthfulness, and respect

There are many areas where this value will be threatened. Although I dont think i will be unfaithful, there may be plenty of situations where truthfulness and respect are tested and threatened. The biggest threat is just not opening up and talking enough to my wife. Keeping feelings and emotions locked it and not discussed which leads to me stewing over things in a negative way.

This list I have written down is a good one, I cant think of much else to "evolve" these boundaries, the threat is just not sticking to it. Hence the absolute boundary which is there as a failsafe to ensure at least this is protected.

The one way of evolving these boundaries and try to ensure that this list is acted upon is to regularly have communication sessions with my wife where we talk openly, and so allowing an opportunity to discuss anything which is threatening these values.

Value 2 - Improving my physical and mental health and fitness

This is being threatened already, This is such an important value to me as I have suffered bad depression and i can feel it coming back with some particularly bad episodes over the Xmas break. I KNOW that starting a regularly exercise programme is crucial to mental health and yet I still haven't not embarked on it. It has been difficult (but not impossible) as we have been away as a family visiting extended family for a period. It was a chance to go running, but i chose not to pack my running gear. I am making an appointment with the doctors this week to look at depression treatment, with a view to going back on medication which can help elevate my mood. I will combine this with easing into exercise and seeing what the results are and seeing if I can gradually increase this exercise, and stick at it throughout 2015 as i know this will go a long way to helping with my depressive state.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 6:40 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Excercise 39 - Healthy Sexual Boundaries

I am finding this exercise extremely hard to do, probably the hardest thing i have come across on all the exercises, it seemed that the exercises that formed a good chunk of the ones before this one, were ones that I could manage and I seemed to be progressing really well with and they were helping me and the this one hits me and it has had a very strange and ill settling effect on me.

Something stuck me in one of the paragraphs on the exercise, it rings so true

“In regards to sexuality, the void is often experienced as one might feel following the death of a loved one. That it is almost surreal. That they are no longer complete...and never will be again. The sexual activities that had once come naturally, now seem contrived and uncomfortable. Their ability to lose themselves in the sexual act is now experienced as emptiness and confusion as they truly have no idea how to feel. How to act. How to experience healthy sexuality. Their sexual thoughts and activities are constantly self-analyzed. Fear encroaches on their decision-making. Guilt and anxiety accompanies normal feelings of passion and sexual enjoyment. Self doubt, insecurity and complete sexual paralysis become staples of this person's life. Now, this description leans towards the more extreme experience, but many of these behaviors are experienced in some way by most who transition from compulsive sexual behavior to healthy sexual behavior”

I feel like i have been in a sexual void for a long time now, A complete sexual nothingness, i didn't even realise it or give it much thought until this exercise came along, and then i realised that i have almost no sexual thoughts or feelings at all at the moment, and it suddenly shocked me “Is this my life now?’ “ Will i be like this forever”

I don't look at women any more, I don't look at porn, I get confronted with same scantily clad women on just normal internet use (celebrities, the news, TV etc) but it doesn't do anything for me, i don't click into links, i don't get aroused, there is nothing. If my wife is worrying that i objectify women and looks for titillation or arousal from sexual imagery, i don't. I couldn't care less.

My ever understanding and patient and beautiful wife who i love more than anything, put a stop to any physical contact until i sort my life out, by rights she should have made me leave 5 times over already.But I don't miss sex, I dont even think about it, its not that I don't have sexual feelings for my wife, it's that i don't have sexual feelings at all.

I miss closeness terribly, i miss the physical contact of just a hug or an arm over me in bed, but sexually there is no desire at all. I don't masturbate, i don't feel like masturbating, or if ido, i dont feel like going through with it. Its all deeply troubling to think i don't get any pleasure from what i spent years doing, but i don't have anything “normal” sexually speaking to fall back on.

In some ways this feels like a worst state to be in that the other. The state or threat of constant sexual arousal i experienced before, its more scary in a way to be like this, its makes me feel kind of dead inside, less male and less of a father, husband or human, i dont supose my levels of testosterone are very high right now, I feel like i am in the middle of a massive identity crisis, i now longer have any idea of who I am.

I guess that this is what the paragraph i highlighted earlier is alluding to, so i also guess that this is maybe normal for me to be like this and so i have to work through these next incredibly difficult exercise as my hope of salvation, I know this has to be the path as i can't for the life of me think of any other way out of this, and my biggest fear is that i am going to remain like this. What if i complete all the exercise of RN, feel recovered, begin a meaningful relationship with my wife, (assuming she has stuck around and not found a better life for herself) and i continue to have zero sexual desire. I can't imagine that scenario will end well.

I guess i have buried everything sexual in a closed box in my head for the last 6 months, burying something in my head is what i have a tendency to do, even typing on here is very difficult thinking people could read this, it seems weird, its seems alien and intrusive.

My wife putting a stop to any form of intimacy between us, was to protect herself and allowed her to keep her distance emotionally and keep control. But for me this meant that after the initial shock, it meant the physical act of sexual intimacy and all the anxiety that went with it was then allowed to be put into a box and sealed (not a good move, another hiding from the true problem i feel). After a time it seems like its normal, that normal people in a relationship don't have sex, they exist as normal without sexual intimacy. Yet i know this ridiculous really, its so far from normal its unreal, and yet i am allowing myself to be kidded and fooled on a daily basis by my own messed up head.

I put off even starting the list of sexual values for some time, i find it hard to confront it, i felt like i was opening a pandora’s box, i know the box needs to be opened. I dont want to go back and think about all the things i thought, the fear was/is that I agree with the statements i have been writing or that I start thinking, well what's the problem with that particular viewpoint on that particular value.
That being said i started to write them and I'm adding to them, its now been such a long period of time since my wife discovered about my internet porn and chat room addiction, that its not really a list of current sexual values” its just a list of sexual values i have held or currently held, i am not distinguishing between them. If i thought about it at some point its on the inventory.

I think this one exercise is going to take me sometime to do it justice but i feel it is probably the one so far that could be ultimately the one that is one of the most important and will help me through this horrible void i am in.

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