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PostPosted: Thu Feb 26, 2015 5:34 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 41

I spoke to my wife about her boundaries. She admitted that her general trusting nature, and her own embedded values of loyalty and trustworthiness meant that she didn't think about any boundaries that she had for herself. She always put the children (and me first) and so allowed herself to be taken advantage of by me. During my years of porn addiction, it was difficult anyway with trying to manage a chaotic family business and deal with my addiction issues by myself. This just meant my wife lived in a chaotic atmosphere that to me seemed like my normal life, but to her it wasn't but she had the attitude of just having to deal with things, and because she was loyal and thought i was loyal too she never gave boundaries much thought at the time. Boundaries which she has set for herself now, back then were being crossed all the time and slowly grinding her down.

Now she won't let herself be treated the way I have treated her, she still puts truthfulness as one of her main values and now there are boundaries where I know i that if i cross them and lie to her then there will be no more chances. She wants honesty and truthfulness from me, and if i am not these things then i am now very aware of her boundries she has set that i am crossing. I havnt lied to my wife in a long time, i havnt omitted any truth either, and i am really aware of the how I can cross a line, and how easy it may be to do it. I still dont just talk as much as i should, but i am now much more aware of things that i do and say, or things that i dont do or dont say, and how it affects my wife.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 8:45 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 44

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.

My Core identity is someone who knows the difference between right and wrong, despite my past historic actions my core identity cares about other people, my family and other people in general. My core identity desperately wants to adhere to the value systems that i have laid down. In this respect then this has to be able to help me in establishing and maintaining a healthy life. Its not like i have to pretend to want to these values, or that i am trying to fool myself that my cored identity is a good and decent person who care about the people around him. This is the case. So that my core identity of i remember who i really am, has to be a positive influence and a kind of signpost on the road to getting to the destination of a healthy life.

My core identity is not fully rounded and bounded properly by the value systems and boundaries described on the site. It is still more vague and I have still yet to connect all the dots and understand properly how it all links together, but i have a working knowledge now and more than I ever had in the past. In the past I still knew what was right and wrong which was my core identity in turmoil with my actions, as i often chose “wrong” thinking that i had no choice, in that “wrong” chose me. I understand how this line of thinking was flawed and where the mistakes lay.

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.

Any Value based experience goes to strengthen my core identity, because now i have an awareness of how they interplay and are connected. If I understand that my core identity is shaped by Values and not emotional impulses and can manage that process until it becomes automatic, this is something i never had the skills or knowledge to understand or even think about before.

I am reading a book at present called The Chimp Effect, which I think is a good complementary learning tool to go with RN, as it is similar in approach as to how we operate as people. It doesn't deal with sexual addiction, but it is based on a premise that we have two brains at work, the chimp brain that operates on pure emotion, and the human brain that operates as one of reason and logic. It teaches, like RN to understand and recognizes the differences between the tow and how they affect your behaviour and how you can learn to control your “chimp brain” and stop it taking over.

The Human Side of us is our values, and am going to attempt to also have these in the forefront if my mind as i make both everyday decisions and long term choices, and not let any short term gratification or immediate emotional wanting take over.

I need to strengthen the connections between value based experiences and core identity development, by being aware of the effect one has on the other, before and after decisions are made.

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

I dont feel I am in tune with my Core Identity, even though i am aware of it. I have some way to go yet, but at least i am aware of this, my wife said to me the other day something which bothered me a bit, We were discussing our parents, my dad suffered with Alcoholism which led to a lots of bad choices in his life, and a broken marriage and unhappiness. One of the outcomes of this is that he deals with people and the outside world by being an insufferable bore and talking endlessly about irrelevant stuff. I said i would hate to end up like that, and my wife said that i had gone the other way, in that I have withdrawn, and i don't speak to anybody and don't like speaking or mixing with people unless i have to. And that i used to be (we have been together since we 18, so she knows me better than anyone) such a sociable person. I guess my core identity is someone who is sociable and fairly good fun to be around, who knows right from wrong and likes being with family. However I feel i am not in tune with this “identity” yet, even though i would like to be.

My destructive activities now, don't revolve around porn, they are more to do with compulsive behaviours based on distraction and a kind of “need to be disorganised” which I hate about myself, so in this respect I have a lot of work to do, and maybe it is outside the scope of RN, since it is not a sexual thing, although having said i know it is about the same things that drive the sexual compulsions. However I have been disorganised and distracted for as long as I was a kid, before there was any porn or internet, so I not quite sure at this point how this play out.If anyone has any comments that would help me on this that would be great.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 3:56 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 45- Urge Control: Isolating the Emotions

A. Map a compulsive ritual that is based on your unique behavior. Ensure that you identify at least five elements that are involved in stimulating your emotions during this act. If you would like, use the following worksheet to help you: Mapping a Compulsive Ritual

I sit in front of the computer a lot as part of my job, I work alone at home, I take breaks by looking at safe internet sites, the BBC news, Huffington Post and Mashable as they have a good mix of things i am interested in, Breaking News, Politics, Science and Technology, and therefore have bitesized articles to read whilst having a coffee. Invariably news sites such as these will have some article around some female celebrity or other, or just an article in which there is an attractive woman that goes with the the news article. The ritual i am mapping out is one where do i or do i not read that article, and am i doing so only because there is an image of an attractive woman or am i doing so because i am genuinely interested in what the article is actually about.

Browsing News Websites leading to looking at some image of an attractive woman

Element 1 - Click on a news website - I have a need to see what's going on this the world several times a day (this is probably a compulsive ritual in itself)
Element 2 - Read whatever the headline topic is, click in it if it is interesting
Element 3 - Finish reading and browse news page for other newsworthy articles
ELement 4 - Being aware as I look at the articles if there is any Entertainment topic or news topic that features some attractive woman (famous actress, model or celebrity)
Element 5 - Reading the headline that goes with that image
Element 6 - Deciding in a split second if i am going to click on the page and read the article
Element 7 Click the link
Element 8 - Read the article look at pictures
Element 9 - Feeling some degree of excitement as there is a picture of an attractive woman
Element 10 - Seeing of there are any related articles suggested, that are worth looking at,
Element 11 - Click into something because it also has an attractive visual stimulus
Element 12 - Feel guilty that the only reason i clicked on the article is that it was about an attractive woman
Element 13 - Come out of article, go back to news homepage, read a proper article or close site down, decide to get on with work again and coffee break is over.

C. At what point in the chain is the 'point of no return'? The point where you know that you will be completing the act.

The point of no return in this ritual is clicking on the Link element 7 - Where i have convinced myself that it is a newsworthy item i am interested in, and really i am probably clicking on the article because of the picture.

D. Consider the element identified just prior to 'the point of no return'. This is the element that you will want to isolate and use as your primary trigger for breaking a compulsive urge. Eventually, you can isolate multiple elements, and thus create multiple points where a compulsive event can be effectively stopped, but for now we will focus solely on this one element.

The Element before is Element 5 - 6 where i see the image and read the headline. I need to break at this point, i need to isolate this element and decide that I may only click on this article simply because it has a picture of a famous attractive celebrity and that is the real reason for my interest,

The problem with news sites, or any websites is the crappy promoted content of drivel or rubbish or salacious or vague sexual or something to do with looks and image that is there to draw you in, and takes you off the website your on and onto a different one. Its not porn, but some of it is titillating or vaguely sexual, or its just designed to try and get you to click. I hardly every click on any of this stuff and if i do its more likely to be something that is not sexual whatsoever, as i am very aware of anything sexual around me and I am usually alert to it and mindful of the process i have described above and dont fall into the trap.

I could just refrain from reading anything on the internet of course, but i don't think this is the answer, I think this lesson is valuable in keeping things in check and understanding the process involved.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 2:33 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 46 Excercise

A. In the long run, addiction is eliminated by altering the existing compulsive behavior (destructive, based on immediate emotional needs) to more stable, constructive chains that solidify the foundation of your life in a progressive manner. Before such compulsive chains can be reversed, it is necessary to begin mastering the ability to reverse single compulsive rituals. Begin this process now by considering a previous compulsive chain, identify the element immediately preceding the 'point of no return' and then rewrite the remainder of the chain so that your actions are based on healthy values, rather than immediate emotional response. Share this in your recovery thread.

Using the example compulsive chain in my previous , where if i am simply reading a news site on the internet, and my eye is drawn to a news article where it has a picture of an attractive woman in it,

The point of no return is clicking on the article to read it, when really i am just wanting to look at the pictures. At this point I have made the decision to view. As per the compulsive chain diagram “Boundaries do not exist. Values,play a small, desperate role in forcing a re-evaluation of the options, but are usually relegated to one of two roles: 1) as a conscience-appeasing afterthought to stimulate guilt/shame; or 2) as an element in the compulsive chain — creating further emotional imbalance by intensifying the awareness between what you should do...and what you know you will do. Resulting in a greater relief upon the compulsive act.” Here i am thinking, well I want to read this article, to try and validate the decision.

The immediate element before this point of no return in my example is “Radinging the headline that goes with an Image”

rewriting the remainder of the chain as follows:

Element 5 - Reading the headline that goes with that image - Consider the emotional reaction that goes with the stimulus - REalize that because of my past actions and my addiction there is an emotional reaction to the stimulus, and i need to be aware that this is playing into my destructive compulsive process

Element 6 - Review Options - ie I have the option of clicking the link and looking at more pictures or not doing so

Element 7 - Filter through my boundaries and values. - decide if I am clicking a link because the images are what i want to see. Are these contrary to the boundaries i set, and are the against my values.

Element 8 - Thinking about the consequences. If i pretend to myself that i am clicking a link of a picture of an attractive woman because i really want to read that news article, then i am lying to myself, crossing boundaries, strengthen that lie with the consequence and emotional attachment and perpetuating an unhealthy process.

Alternatively i can just move on, decide it is irrelevant to my life, move onto something that is of genuine interest, dont cross boundaries and be true to my values.

Element 9 - Decide to Act - Don't click, Move on, read something that benefits me and doesn't cause an emotional imbalance, does not cross any boundaries and does not threaten my values, or the promises i have made to myself.

Element 10 - Assess the emotional consequences. - Think that that was the correct decision, - The Short term consequence of not clicking is that, not reading that particular article has made no difference to my life, i haven't lost anything, there was no information there that i needed to know, or that would have benefited me, the long term consequences is that i have realised i have broken a compulsive chain and turned it into a healthy process and therefore have broken an unhealthy emotional connection with an event, rather than strengthening it by clicking

Afterthought, i didn't like the thought of doing this exercise at first, but now i have found it really very useful. Mt example may seem like fairly mundane as it does not involve porn or elaborate fantasies, however it is what I (we) are faced with everyday - internet, media, adverts, TV, etc. The fact that i can deconstruct something which would have have taken place in maybe a second, and use it to take the right action will be be a huge help, I also had trouble getting my head round the flowcharts at first, but now it makes sense after completing this exercise.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:27 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Excercise 47 Practical Urge Awareness

1. Just as you have with your values and your emotions, it is time to transfer the knowledge that you are developing to a practical application in your day-to-day life. This cannot be done without first developing an awareness of the times when such information is applicable. Over the next 48 hours, envision at least ten different REALISTIC scenarios where you may encounter a compulsive urge in the future and document these in your recovery thread.

1. When I am distracted
2. When i have been working for a long stretch and I begin to lose focus
3. When a random sexual thought enters my head.
4. When i use Social Media as part of my job
5. Having a moment where I feel depressed or pessimistic
6. If i use the Gym, seeing attractive female
7. When i need a break from the computer and instead of taking a proper break, i surf news articles
8. Putting off a task that is uncomfortable or boring or stressful
9. Getting a spontaneously aroused (erection for no reason)

Choose one scenario, Identify how you would know when that urge/ritual would likely begin, when the likely 'point of no return' would be and when you would 'create the break'

Some of these scenarios can be linked, these are all of my scenarios that i can think of occurring over a 48 hour period. I actually cope with most of this list very well. I would say that because i spend a lot of time on the computer, the link to get distracted and look at something else other than work is strongest when i have a) being working a long time, or b) when i am putting off something.

If i take the first example, if i have been working for a concentrated stretch and i need a break. I must be aware , that taking a break by looking at the internet, is not a break it is a compulsive ritual and one that is littered with possibilities for destructive behaviour. Therefore the break in the ritual is taking a “proper” break. Come away from the PC, go downstairs, do something useful for 15 minutes like clean the kitchen floor, take the break and then come back to work.

Other examples on this list such as Going to the Gym, i cope with very well, however I know they have the ability to create destructive thoughts, but so far i don't recall them becoming a compulsive ritual. I know that when I enter the gym, there will be the possibility of seeing women working out, and therefore their is an opportunity to objectify/fantasie. Id don't go to the gym often, but i am aware of this when i do, I think about it and I don't objectify, i remember that I am there because i simply want to exercise and that the gym is full of just normal people women and men doing the same thing, and I just get on with my own thing without feeling a need to look or fantasise about anything.

PostPosted: Sun May 10, 2015 4:08 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Role-playing/visualization - This i find quite easy to do, I can think of most scenario in my head that would have casued me a problem, and i can visualise a rational healthy way through any problems i may encounter. An example of this is that i might have to stay over on a work trip in August. It doesnt cause me any alarm, I know i wont do anything or think anything which is unhealthy. I can visualise staying in a hotel and having a random woman chat to me, and me to be polite and not want anything our of the conversation and visualis it not leading anywhere or me not even wanting it to lead anywhere. I can visulaise going to bed, getting up early after a good nights sleep and going to work. And i can visualise me texting my wife or speaking to her on the phone to let her know i am ok and that work is fine.

Anticipating feels like something i am fairly proficient at, I am aware of everything and how things may effect me, i am resolute in that i wont let triggers effect me

Activiley seeking - This is the area of least proficiency, i am still more reactive that pro active. Its an area I have to work on most for all my goals and objectives.

PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2015 3:45 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 51 - Decision Making - Identifying Options

A. Consider one of your specific compulsive rituals. Or, if you feel comfortable, consider an entire compulsive chain. Identify the point in that ritual/chain when you should begin considering the options that you have available. What are these options? (consider reasonable options only)

Compulsive Ritual

Looking at porn when stressed,
Same applies to Looking at anything distracting on the internet, as a mechanism for stress reduction.

Point to begin considering the options

The point should be as soon as I am aware of that path as an option, or possibly even before? If i am sat at desk on computer feeling anxious over some task or generally feeling stressed,

Available Options

Decide I need to be de stressed by looking at porn - so go and find a site, carry out compulsive ritual
Decide to stay on task - try to carry on with what I am doing
Decide to take a break - do some exercise, meditate, get a coffee
Decide to think about what is causing stress in a methodical way and deal with it properly
Decide to communicate to my wife in the evening and talk about what is stressing me and how I reacted.

B. Of the options listed above, which would be automatically filtered out because of your boundaries? What would you do in the case of a value conflict? (i.e. when the same option would create both positive and negative influences on your value system)

Option 1. - Crosses all boundaries

C. Of the remaining options, what would be the anticipated consequences of the following:
i. You make the decision to act on this option
ii. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
iii. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
iv. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret

2. Stay on Task
i - May be able to overcome urges and get back into concentrating on task, feel good that did not act on urges
ii - Productivity falls, lose focus on job in hand

3. Take a break
i - Taking time out, may be the right thing, reset mental state to be able to come back to task, but could be further distracting tactic to put off task
ii - Run risk of urges not going away, not focusing on task because not addressed the issue properly

4. Deal with stressor
i - Takes the emotion out, deal with the issue in the correct logical way
ii - Does Not solve problem, just puts it off
iii - Good communication - feel better

PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2015 4:47 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 52 Exercise:

Consider a situation in life (outside of addiction) where this 'isolation' of feelings/emotions has been known to occur and/or might prove beneficial.

I recently started meditating, and the guided excerices I undertake are I think a good example of what this lesson is getting at. Mediation was somthing i wanted to try for some time, because i wanted to bring moments of calm and clarity to my mind on a daily basis, and was interested as to what mediation does and how it helps people. It is somthing i have found more rewarding than i could have imagined and the guided mediation lessons teaching you about how yoru mind and conciousness works, are I think a good example of what this lesson is getting at.

The 10 minute daily excerices i do ( i'm only a beginner) teach you to isolate feelings and emotions and consider them as they are happenng as if you were in fact looking in on your self from afar. Wether it is physical feelings such as aches and pains, or emotional feelings such as becomeing aware that you are stressed or agitated while you are scanning yourself from head to toe.

I think that it is somthing that ties in to what the lesson is describing, ie it is a skill that you can learn where you can step outside of yourself for a moment and act as if you were an impartial observer to the feelings and emotions that an event brings. I am hoping that i can strengthen this skillset and then bring it into play, not just when i am underatking a 10 minute guided meditation session, but when challeneges to my values arise.

For anyone interested the mediaton programe is headspace (google it and it will come up)

A book i read also is about what this lesson is talking about, and the techniques i learned from it i have used extensivly to try and remain calm and rational and to prevent acting on emtotions only. The book was called the chimp paradox and explains it all in a great way (for me anyway) that made a lot of sense and has enabled me to isolate emotions and not act on them. I am by no means an expert, but between this and the meditation i do at least understand the concept.

PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2015 2:59 pm 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:13 am
Posts: 687
U have been sneaking by us coaches and mentors:) how are u feeling about the foundation you are laying? The relaxation and mediation stuff helps alot doesn't it? Takes some self discipline though good for u.

"When everything else is stripped away the essential is reveled." B.K.S. Iyengar

PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 5:35 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
I am feeling gernerally good, i have had some ups and downs and it has taken me a long time to work through this process, far longer than it should have done. I have let so many things get in the way, Apathy, Guilt, Excuses, Stress, Denial, Workload to name a few reasons.
As i work towards the end of the workshop excerices, I want to increase my partcipation in meditation techniques, I have found it brings clarity and a sense of orgnaisation to my normally chaotic mind. It is like a reset or reboot button for my brain. As i finish the self helf recovery thread I am looking forward to the partners recovery programe with my wife who is the most amazing person in the world, and whos patience I have not deserved. I plan to keep up the mediation and expand it and understand it more and hope it contributes to me being a better person.

PostPosted: Sun Dec 13, 2015 3:52 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 53

Describe a situation where you would consider masturbation to be against your values — and therefore, a destructive act. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbating to be within your values — and therefore, a healthy act.

It's a destructive act, when you decide to do it because of an external stimulator that has aroused you in some way, either something that you haven't gone looking for but has effected you, ie pictures on the internet (not even porn) just one of the many sexulaised images that exist over many websites. Or even worse if it is something you have specifically looked for because you actually feel like masturbating and want to turn yourself on in order to complete the act. These are both examples where emotions have taken over and you are not filtering them through the value system and letting the emotions take control without checking them. Another example is masturbating to fantasy in your head, which isn't acceptable, it's something that can be controlled by the techniques taught in this workshop and therefore if I was to do this, it would be allowing myself to willingly go against my values, and therefore a destructive act.

The only examples i can think of where it is within values, is doing it with my wife in a mutual, honest , accepted and intimate act, but i am way off that happening at present. There are times when i have masturbated due to just feeling like there is a massive buildup (only way i can think of describing it), and i feel physically uncomfortable and it's more of a case of something that needs to be done, since there is no other release at present, I could argue this is not a destructive act, although i am not too sure.

B. In your recovery thread, list other common value conflicts involving sexual and/or romantic behavior that you have found yourself engaged in? Or that you may find yourself engaged in, given your history.

Seeing an attractive female - wondering what to do with the fact i have noted it, I don't scan for good looking women at all anymore, (not that i can remember consciously), but occasionally you just see someone who is good looking, now fortunately i am aware of the process of what is happening in my head and it just passes almost instantly, with no adverse consequences.
Seeing some entertainment news article on a website that has some attractive actress or pop star for example, - wanting for a second to click on it just for that reason, again nowadays i am aware of what is going on in my head, and i can actually distinguish the between the real reasons why i am wanting to do do something, and check it.

PostPosted: Sun Dec 13, 2015 9:33 am 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:13 am
Posts: 687
Dazed and confused, that sounds exciting to start the couples workshop together, I know so many of us would like to get to the point of enough recovery and healing to be able to work together as a team. My ex and I started it, he made it two days before he honestly said it was too much work and would rather live in addiction. Good fortune to both of u on that journey! Peace

"When everything else is stripped away the essential is reveled." B.K.S. Iyengar

PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 4:00 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Exercise 57 - Reactive Action Plans

Define the Situation

I've recently moved into a new office, i work for myself and prior to this point have been working at home.

Working for yourself in a job that requires 50% of your time to me sat in front of a computer not surrounded by anyone, brings its own challenges to someone who has had an internet porn problem as a way of dealing with a multitude of stresses in my life.

Now moving to an office that is not monitored by anyone, as to what i could be doing has now brought the biggest potential challenge since it I am now in the same surroundings that i was in when i was at the worst of my addiction. This fact is not lost on me. Since i have made this move I have not overly worried about it (since i think i am doing ok) but i have thought about it quite a lot. It has brought back scenarios and memories of what I used to do as if it was yesterday. This time however I can see the processes that were taking place in my mind as if i was a casual observer looking into my own mind with new knowledge.

It doesn't escape me however that since the circumstances of my surroundings are now so similar to what they were when i was at my very worse, that what if I was to for whatever reason go back to my old ways. Something very stressful happens in my life, I have a resurgence of depression, there is no one monitoring me but myself, and i crack under the pressure and use porn or chat rooms to take myself away from it all.

Describe a situation

The situation for this action plan therefore is that I am in front of the computer supposed to be working, and instead of feeling positive and organised and in control, I feel desperate, out of control, lost, lonely and worthless. I feel a pull to look at pornography thinking it will lift my mood, i’ll feel happy, excited or elated and that it will pull me out of my negative state and return me to a positive person.

2. Evaluate all realistic options

In such a situation here are the realistic options.

- give in to the urge without a further thought and find a pron site and start browsing possibly leading to masturbation, let all my defences down and just give in to the urgent that is presenting itself
Remind myself that this is a powerful feeling born out of negativity or stress and it will pass.
Find something else immediately to do which will lift my mood instead, like go for a walk around the grounds of the office.
Deal with the immediate stress that is causing the need to escape by mediation which has helped in the past.
Look at a self help website or recovery nation or my own recovery thread to bring things back into focus.
Call my wife and tell her

2. Evaluate the potential consequences of the option(s) that you choose

Choose to give in - Get some false feeling of fulfilment for a small amount of time (one hour, two hours? Waste a half or a whole day)? Feel terrible afterwards, even worse than before, feel more negative, feel more depressed and worthless. Feel bad that i am keeping a secret, run the risk of my already tenuous marriage collapsing immediately around me. All for an hour of false gratification.
Feel good that i am recognising what this feeling is and that i am able to do something about it, before i give in to it. This then frosted feeling of positivity straight away
Depending on time, and circumstance, such a distraction technique could be a good thing when following (B)
In time of stress - time permitting mediation brings a state of calm and clarity and allows me to refocus the mind back to a good state.
Again if time permits this always brings back a feeling of positivity
An option that helps me feel i have someone to talk through things with, even if i have hurt this person so much in the past, and i would feel bad that i am may be hurting her again just letting her know that i am struggling with urges.

4) Make a decision as to which value-based option you would choose

Choose any combination of b to f and reject a

PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2016 3:05 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Lesson 58 Exercise:
Define the five rituals that you will most likely face in the next two years. For each, develop an action plan in five minutes or less...that focuses specifically on the immediate action you will take upon the awareness of the ritual; the anticipated emotions you will feel after you engage in that behavior; and the likely mind-games that you will play to get you to abandon your values-based decision making for emotion based decision making.

Five Situations/Rituals/Sceanrios

Being Complacent
Being Overly Stressed leading to greater chance of destructive behaviour
Wanting excitement, stimulation, instead of routine or boredom.
Maintain lesser non destructive behavior rituals, which can lead to destructive ones
Beginning to visual objective women in everyday scenarios

Action Plan for 1 - Complacency

Firstly recognise the fact I have become complacent, recognise there have been no thoughts of maintaining recovery and developing myself as a better person. Recognise the fact that I might not have really done anything other than the usual of going to work, dealing with the day to day problems of life.

Recognise also that I have not acted out or necessarily engaged in destructive behaviour, but I have on the flip side not engaged in anything overly positive, I have lost focus maybe of the bigger picture.

Remember this action plan, the need to focus and look to the longer term of self development, improvement, review my values, talk to my wife, discuss my complacency. Review the action plan of life going forward. Where am mentally, physically, I am eating right, am i taking my anti depressant meds (which always lead to changes in mental outlook if i miss taking them for any length of time). Am I talking to my wife, or are we just on a treadmill of living day to day.

Complacency leads to dullness, mental inactivity, lack of expression, fun, a tip toward the potential slide towards negative behaviours and a negative outlook.

Action Plan for 2.

Extreme Stress has in the past always exacerbated my destructive behaviours. In my times of extreme stress it lead to my heaviest porn use as a temporary escape, and temporary lifting of depression and the chance to get away from real life.

Action plan - Realise the signs of stress and recognise the need to monitor my stress levels and be aware of any effect it is having to me, and to react appropriately

Be Aware that: Stress is needed in life sometimes, it will happen, i can't ignore it, no one can lead a 100% stress free life. There will always be stressors in life.

Think: of the best way of dealing with Stress,
Think is it a short term thing i have to deal with eg workload peak, or long term thing eg financial stress over 12 months for instance.
Talk problems through with my wife that's leading to stress, get a second opinion.
Take positive actions to be able to deal with it
Eg Take a break
Schedule in some good exercise time
Do 10 mins of meditation each morning - always a brilliant solution to calm and focus me,

Be aware under no circumstance is looking at porn a solution to dealing with stress. Remind myself where it got me, that is satisfies an emotional release for a very short time but then all the problems are still there but they are then worse because i have guilt to deal with on top of the stressors

After a taking some of the positive actions above, - review where i am stresswise, have they helped, what else do i need to do, what changes do i need to make.

When the stress dissipates, review the process - what caused it, did i take the correct actions? Did they help, How well did i deal with the stress - Can I do it again?

PostPosted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 2:30 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:17 am
Posts: 54
Exercise 58 - continued

Wanting excitement, stimulation, instead of routine or boredom.
Action Plan for 3

Realise when routine sets in, think what healthy ways can I do something interesting.
Intense Exercise always gets the heart rate running which is a health way of releasing endorphins. Maintain a good level of fitness because, in there is a need for some excitement I can push it higher, go for a longer bike ride or get up really early and go for a longer hike with the dog.

Walking provides healthy sensory stimulation, fresh air is good and exercise is better.

Suggest something good to do with my wife or whole family at the weekend, go for a meal out or get out into the country for the day,

I haven't got time yet to start some new exciting hobby, so just build proper exercise into my life, to stop stale routine of too much time in front of a computer.

Maintain lesser non destructive behavior rituals, which can lead to destructive ones

Action Plan for 4

Think - Ok i have looked at some pointless website, but i have had my coffee break so I don't have an excuse.
Check myself, - am i surfing the internet because i am generally taking a few minutes break, or am i using it as a distraction technique, am i putting off something that needs doing?

Stop- and get it done,

Drinking excess coffee? - it's a problematic ritual, that i can do if not easily checked - switch to green tea which doesn't seem to have the same obsessive ritual attached to it.

If i am not breaking out of lesser compulsive rituals, then it might lead to destructive rituals in times of stress. So default to action plan for stress)

Beginning to visual objective women in everyday scenarios

Action Plan for 5

This if it happens is a serious problem, and needs to be checked straight away.

If any thought occurs involving objectification flashes into my mind, think - This is against my values, thats someones wife, girlfriend, sister, woman going about her everyday business and doesn't deserve to be objectified in any way.

Think what if it was some guy looking at my daughters in the same way? That will put it into perspective real quick.

I have started getting healthy in the gym again, it's a busy gym and there are lots of men and women using it. I am really pleased i apply these rules to myself almost sunconcieoulsy and i am not in anyway objectifying anyone. Most people come to the gym to get fit and burn some stress off, not to be gawped at, mentally undressed, judged, weighed up, or compared to the last person, same goes for runners, or women doing their weekly shopping or whatever. People just getting on with their lives and don't deserve to be scanned or thought about in some sexual way.

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