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PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 9:56 am 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 31, 2014 11:17 pm
Posts: 188
The beginning of a long journey. I feel good after writing this. So far I really like this program.

1) actively committing yourself to change
I am actively committing myself to change. I am beyond fed up with the kind of lifestyle I have been living. I have allowed my addictive tendencies to rule my life ever since hitting puberty and I have suffered greatly as a result. Allowing my addictive behavior and thoughts to continue would be self-sabotage. I want to feel good about myself. I don’t want to be brought to tears when my therapist asks me the right question about why I act the way I do and why I am not happy with myself. I want freedom and health. Fuck this addiction.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
I am not sure I understand just how guilt and shame would undermine my commitment to overcome my addiction. I feel plenty of guilt and shame. Those two emotions have been very much a part of my life for a long time. But my experience with them has been painful, and it motivates me to overcome my addiction and recover, because then I will be free from shame and guilt. I won’t be operating underneath it. I will be above it.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
This has been extremely difficult, but I think I am starting to get the right perspective on this. When I first decided I wanted to change, which was over a year ago, I tried and failed repeatedly and beat myself up for it. Every time I slipped I would bombard myself with criticism and my hope to succeed was crushed a little bit more. Eventually I realized that beating myself up is not helping. Profound change takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. I’ve been struggling with this for a year and I am currently in a place that is far better than one year ago. And that is good. But it will take more time to fully recover. I accept that.

Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.

To finally love myself
To be able to build healthier relationships
To love my girlfriend in a deeper way
To prove to myself that I can achieve anything I put my mind to.
To control my biology and develop a sharper mind
To let go of impulsive behavior forever, in all forms
To pursue a career without doubting myself
To develop more self confidence and inner strength
To grow up and become wise
To go to bed satisfied
To not be controlled by feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt
To develop more creativity
To prepare for maybe starting a family in the future
To maintain my overall health, mental and physical
To achieve mental freedom

Looking to my own eyes as an innocent little child was captivating. I am not easily moved to tears, I’d like to think, and this did make me cry. What an innocent being. That child never anticipated addiction being a part of his life. That child deserves a full, healthy life. I deserve that life.

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