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PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2016 6:03 pm 
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Lesson 1 Exercises:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1) I am totally committed to finally living a victorious life, as opposed to one where I live in fear of the next time I fall
2) Guilt/shame has been, I think, my greatest obstacle. I will not let it prevent me from reaching my goal.
3) I so want the change to be immediate, but that’s not realistic. I am committed to move ahead purposefully and will try not to rush it so that I can realize permanent change.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.
1. I want to enjoy full and complete peace and joy with my God.
2. I want to enjoy a loving, honest, and transparent relationship with the love of my life, my wife.
3. I want to experience sex that is free from feelings of inadequacy.
4. I want to be more confident in myself.
5. I want to eliminate shame from my feelings about my sexual desires.
6. I want to be able to engage my family free from feelings of guilt and shame.
7. I want to know what it feels like to be totally at peace with myself.
8. I want to be a man who I can respect.
9. I want to live a life that is free from the fear of being “found out.”
10. I want to be able to love fearlessly, knowing that I am someone worthy of love—all of me.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2016 6:46 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hello Rockbottom
Quote:
I am totally committed to finally living a victorious life, as opposed to one where I live in fear of the next time I fall


great
then you are in the right place
RN will help you to achieve your goal , but it will only guide you, the effort , the commitment and the opening up of yourself must come from you

so if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2016 7:06 am 
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Posts: 6
Lesson 2 Exercises:
A. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy. Create a vision that you would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.
B. OPTIONAL If you have someone in your life to talk with about this vision, consider talking with them. You are not looking for validation, correction, guidance...you are just moving one step closer to making this vision your reality. However, it is important that the person you choose to share this vision with not listen with a critical ear. You are in the infancy stage of learning how to perceive, develop and manage your life as a healthy adult — there is no need to reinforce your short-comings during this exercise.
C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (such as a coach or mentor) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.
As we review these visions, what we will be looking for is the following:
1) Is it practical or is it idealistic? Practical is what we are shooting for. Idealistic visions feel good, sound good...but they serve very little purpose, other than to create unrealistic goals for which failure is already guaranteed.
2) Is this vision capable of sustaining a healthy life? Are there enough values identified that have the potential to generate fulfillment. To counter instability. To drive decision-making.
For an excellent example of the depth such a vision should have, click the following link: Example of a Personal Vision
Note the depth expressed in this vision. If you are looking to finish this exercise in a matter of minutes to 'check it off the to do list'...you will be missing one of the first tools, vital for rebuilding your foundation. Think of this as the first indication of the sincerity with which you will be approaching this workshop. From a coaching perspective, I know that I do. The more you invest in yourself, the more coaches will be willing to invest as well. It is human nature. If you need several days to complete this, take several days. Most people can write out a solid vision in about an hour. But judge your efforts more on the quality and authenticity of the effort you have put in, rather than the amount of time you took to create it.

Personal vision:
My vision is to grow into a mature Christian man. I want to experience a deeper relationship with my God and Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In doing so, I will also grow into a more caring and supportive husband and father for my wife and children. I want to be a man who is selfless, seeing to the needs of his family before his own. I want to be someone who my wife sees as her protector, someone she does not doubt loves her with all his heart and soul. My vision is to be one who encourages my wife and children to be all they can be and actively supports them in their endeavors. I want to be able to love more completely and live a life that is more sacrificial, being more willing to go out of my way to help others.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2016 6:49 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hello RB
please hit the reply key not the new topic when posting in your thread
that way it stays as one thread making it easy for you to refer back, and you should refer back as you progress
it also makes it possible for coaches and mentors to track your progress dropping in with advice as and when required


regarding your vision,

Quote:
Is this vision capable of sustaining a healthy life? Are there enough values identified that have the potential to generate fulfillment. To counter instability. To drive decision-making.


your call but reading coach Mels "how to "found at the top of the forum might be worthwhile

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2016 8:53 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:07 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson 3 Exercises:
A. Note: In the previous lesson, you were asked to write out your vision for the life that you want to live. If you have not yet completed this task, do so now, before beginning this exercise.
B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.
If you feel you need some guidance as to what you are looking for, or for examples of how to list each item, see this example values list.
C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of from your vision, do the following:
1) Review this example values list for any additional values that you may want to add to your own list. List them.
2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.
1. Strengthening my relationship with God
2. Reading the Bible on a daily basis
3. Developing my daily prayer life
4. Being more attentive to the needs of other people
5. Being a more mature man
6. Being honest in my interactions with others
7. Faithfully fulfill my duties as a church elder
8. Being better able to take criticism
9. Not seeking to compare myself with others
10. Developing a non-judgmental spirit
11. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
12. Seeking opportunities to show my wife that she is special to me
13. Being more willing to share household responsibilities
14. Being more attentive to my wife’s needs and desires
15. Being more willing to make sacrifices for the well-being of my family
16. Being more willing to put off short term gratification for long term goals
17. Strengthening my role as a father to my children
18. Putting the needs of my family above my own
19. Living with honesty and integrity
20. Being more charitable, selfless
21. Being a more loving person
22. Living with kindness
23. Being a more empathetic person
24. Strengthening my role as a friend
25. Developing spiritual depth
26. Taking care of my physical well-being
27. Experience uninhibited, guilt-free sexual freedom
28. Enjoying a full and satisfying intimate relationship with my wife
29. Being a role model for my children
30. Being judged trustworthy
31. Seeking validation from within
32. Attaining wisdom
33. Being a more forgiving person
34. Developing patience
35. Loving others
36. Being loved by others
37. Bringing joy to others
38. Experiencing the joy of giving to others
39. Strengthening my role as a son
40. Strengthening my role as a brother to my siblings
41. Being more passionate about life
42. Being more playful
43. Developing emotional maturity
44. Instilling healthy values in my children
45. Improving my social interactions
46. Being a more effective communicator
47. Feeling happy and content
48. Self-discipline
49. Personal growth and development
50. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
51. Avoiding conflict
52. Being validated by others
53. Indulging in creative inspiration, development
54. Curiosity
55. Experiencing the forbidden
56. Vulnerability


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 5:26 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:07 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson 4 Exercises:
A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.
Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another (for instance, don't worry about choosing between 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Son' and 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Daughter'). You should be looking for a general sense of prioritization — not an exact representation. Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment — and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.
B. When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread.
Note: The first ten to fifteen values on this list will form the crux of your initial value development and monitoring. Make sure that you pay particular attention to the top twenty or so values. They must be areas of your life/identity that you truly value.
1. Strengthening my relationship with God
2. Reading the Bible on a daily basis
3. Developing my daily prayer life
4. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
5. Being a more mature man
6. Living with honesty and integrity
7. Being more attentive to the needs of other people
8. Being honest in my interactions with others
9. Faithfully fulfill my duties as a church elder
10. Putting the needs of my family above my own
11. Developing emotional maturity
12. Being more attentive to my wife’s needs and desires
13. Being more willing to make sacrifices for the well-being of my family
14. Being more willing to put off short term gratification for long term goals
15. Enjoying a full and satisfying intimate relationship with my wife
16. Strengthening my role as a father to my children
17. Improving my social interactions
18. Experiencing the joy of giving to others
19. Being more charitable, selfless
20. Developing patience
21. Being a more loving person
22. Being a more forgiving person
23. Developing a non-judgmental spirit
24. Living with kindness
25. Seeking opportunities to show my wife that she is special to me
26. Experience uninhibited, guilt-free sexual freedom
27. Being a more empathetic person
28. Strengthening my role as a friend
29. Developing spiritual depth
30. Taking care of my physical well-being
31. Being better able to take criticism
32. Being a role model for my children
33. Being judged trustworthy
34. Seeking validation from within
35. Attaining wisdom
36. Being more willing to share household responsibilities
37. Loving others
38. Being loved by others
39. Bringing joy to others
40. Strengthening my role as a son
41. Strengthening my role as a brother to my siblings
42. Being more passionate about life
43. Being more playful
44. Instilling healthy values in my children
45. Being a more effective communicator
46. Feeling happy and content
47. Self-discipline
48. Personal growth and development


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 5:32 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
RB
please hit the reply key not the new topic when posting in your thread
that way is stays as one thread making it easy for you to refer back as you progress

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 5:53 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:07 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson 5 Exercises:
A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.
B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list. If not, then you may still be leaning more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.
C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. This does not mean that you must use the particular value on a daily basis, only that it can serve as a realistic, functional part of the identity that you are building. For instance, if I choose 'spirituality' as a top priority for myself, but in reality I am only listing that value out of fear and/or social acceptance...then my list is not real. It is not practical. On the other hand, if I list 'Strengthening my relationship with my brother' — whom I have not had any contact with in twenty years and with whom I would like to rebuild a connection with...then that is practical. Also, remember to examine the values that are not necessarily socially accepted/idealized. This is critical. If you build a life based on what others expect from you, you will fail in your transition. If you build a life based on a mastery of what it is you truly value, then you will succeed. So examine values such as 'sexual gratification', 'being sexually adventurous', 'feeling sexually desired', 'being promiscuous', etc. If these are important to you, then prioritize them within your list. Leave them out because they don't 'sound right' and you are dooming yourself to that dual-identity that pervades sexual addiction.
D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.
1. Strengthening my relationship with God
2. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
3. Living with honesty and integrity
4. Being more attentive to the needs of other people
5. Being more attentive to my wife’s needs and desires
6. Seeing to the needs of my family before my own
7. Developing emotional maturity
8. Being a more loving person
9. Improving my social interactions
10. Experiencing the joy of giving to others
11. Strengthening my role as a father to my children
12. Being more passionate about life
13. Being more charitable, selfless
14. Developing patience
15. Enjoying a full and satisfying intimate relationship with my wife


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:07 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:07 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson 7 Exercise:
A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.
Do NOT allow yourself to become overwhelmed with this task. Each action plan should probably take you between five and fifteen minutes. Some of the most complex (like those pertaining to partnership) may take you up to thirty minutes. What you share in these plans will not be used all at once — so don't worry about what you 'can and can't do'. Focus instead on what you think needs to be done.
Over the next week of lessons, you will be switching your focus to other areas of recovery. These lessons will be important (especially if you are in a relationship), but not critical to your recovery. This is by design. If it takes you a week to complete all of your proactive action plans, so be it. The goal is to have them done by the time you get to the Health Monitoring I lesson. But, to work simultaneously on other lessons as you go...not to put your efforts on hold until they are done.
1. Strengthening my relationship with God
• Beginning each day with prayer
• Reading daily devotions in the evening with my family
• Read bible at lunch
2. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
• Telling her I love her on a daily basis
• Keeping her safe (e.g., reducing late night travel)
• Praying with her daily
3. Living with honesty and integrity
• Never lie
• When I err or mess up, own up to it immediately
4. Being more attentive to the needs of other people
• Ask others if they need anything when going to the store
• After meetings, ask others if they need a lift home
5. Being more attentive to my wife’s needs and desires
• Regularly spending time with her in the evenings
• Going out at least every other week
• Doing something special for her at least once a week (e.g., flowers, cards, small gifts)
• Doing more things that she likes to do
• Reaffirming on a regular basis her attractiveness
• Periodically sit with her (monthly?) and assess where she is and where she wants to be
6. Seeing to the needs of my family before my own
• At mealtime, ensuring that everyone eats before I do
• Helping out in the mornings with the children
• Letting other family members decide what they’d like to eat, watch on tv, etc.
7. Developing emotional maturity
• Do not shy away when dealing with situations I find uncomfortable
• When making decisions, consider whether I am overly concerned about what others may think rather than the actual merits of the decision.
8. Being a more loving person
• Take time to do something nice for someone else, “just because”
• Donate resources and time to assist others in need at my church
9. Improving my social interactions
• Take time to engage others in conversations at my workplace
• Linger at the end of affairs and greet a number of people before leaving
10. Experiencing the joy of giving to others
• Look for opportunities to give time, resources to others
11. Strengthening my role as a father to my children
• Give small trinkets, mementos, to my children
• Taking an active role in their extracurricular activities
• Talk to them each day about their day to let them know that I am interested
12. Being more passionate about life
• Taking time to enjoy activities of the day
• Finding an interest that I can work on
13. Being more charitable, selfless
• Go out of my way to help someone
• Do things for others for which I get no side benefit
14. Developing patience
• Not rushing in traffic while driving
• Not relentlessly switching lines in stores
15. Enjoying a full and satisfying intimate relationship with my wife
• Let her know throughout the day when I am thinking of her
• Physically let her know (by hugging, kissing, touching) that I am thinking of her
• Continuously explore (through books, experimentation) ways to bring her pleasure


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2016 7:41 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hello Rockbottom,

As Coach Kenzo requested, please select "post reply" when completing a new lesson to add to your recovery thread. Creating new topics just creates work for our volunteer coaches and admin, and takes away from the time that we could be supporting members (in addition to not having your work in one concise thread).

Be well

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2020 2:46 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Jacob
delete your post and refrain from posting in the threads of others
posting only in your own thread if addiction related

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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