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PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 7:26 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 60
Lesson 1.

Hello everyone, I am a person who wants to change permanently. 2 years on a NoFap journey, 9 months of Porn sobriety, but I still feel some porn thoughts and behaviors emerging into reality, that is to say promiscuity, unhealthy sexual thoughts, wanting a short term gratification, easy girls and etc. (I'm still very cautious of the unhealthy thought patterns I may not still be aware of.) I am glad I am joining this community of healthy recovery path!

1. I am actively committing myself for a change. I joined ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) 6 months ago, which helps me to deal with childhood traumas, and now I want to join recoverynation to beat my addiction and lead a healthy life.
2. Guilt and shame. Now, that I am a part of ACOA I am more aware of these two feelings. I also focus on the feeling of regret. I don't let it ruin my recovery.
3. It's a marathon. I know it. It will take time. And I am ready to take as much time as it is needed to experience real and healthy life.

My big why:

1. I want to lead a healthy and interesting lifestyle alongside being well-balanced.
2. I want a positive outlook on life. (No place for destructiveness)
3. I want more meaningful relationships (platonic and romantic).
4. I want to be more energetic.
5. I want clearer aims in my life.
6. I want to develop healthy habits/ healthy lifestyle/ healthy sleeping and eating patterns.
7. I want to be truthful. To others and especially to myself (Integrity).
8. I want to experience life to the fullest. I want my circumstances to empower me to move forward, not backwards.
9. I want to transition from porn to a real romantic interaction in a healthy way. It shouldn't be rushed. It takes time and patience.
10. I want to enjoy long term achievements (have realistic objectives and in this way reach my aims/dreams).
11. I want to change my emotional management strategies. One addiction replaced by another is no longer an option. Dealing with the feelings such as loneliness in a healthy way.
12. I want to face my own demons, not thinking to much about them, but just taking action ( doing good things, being kind to people, helping others and contributing).
13. Lead a healthy recovery. Not building ego on ego. Just being humble and enjoying life alone and around others.
14. Setting strong personal boundaries. Self respect. Not forgetting respect to other human beings.
15. Life is not a destination, it's a journey, thus, being a constant learner, reflecting on life whatever happens, becoming a spiritual human being (I read about Buddhism*** (2018.July I am transitioning to Christianity as I want to come out of isolation, buddhism somehow leads me to isolation), connecting with others in a healthy way is what motivates me to change permanently.

*I feel that I have more reasons to change permanently, but some of those are based purely on sexual dysfunction and throughout my hardmode NoFap journey I figured it out that they alone don't help to quit porn or change your mindset to full potential. Finding this website is a key milestone for me.

The inner child.
So far my experience with the inner child is from ACOA meetings. I see the whole picture now. My grandfather was a vanilla porn addict, my father was a sexoholic as well as a brutal and violent alcoholic. There was a drug addiction in the extended family as well, so I was surrounded by addictions, and I feel how it impacted me, and I feel the connection with the innocence that I had before experiencing a lot of nasty things. I hope to heal.


Last edited by meadowlark on Sun Jul 22, 2018 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2017 5:25 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3819
Location: UK
Hello Meadowlark and welcome to RN
Quote:
I am a person who wants to change permanently.


Oh believe me you will change , one way or the other, if you do not beat addiction any addiction then it will beat you
the good thing is that hard as it seems when starting out you do have the choice
you do not have or need to act out
take your time with the lessons learn from them and integrate what you learn into your daily life your very core
ensure consistency to make regular progress
use the community forum to ask questions if you have misunderstanding or doubts
be open and honest and do this for you
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 5:09 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 60
Lesson 2

My Life's Vision :)

I AM HAPPY. I'm content with what I have in the present moment, but I’m always open for new opportunities and ideas. I laugh a lot.
I DEVELOP RELATIONSHIPS THAT SUPPORT ME. I develop healthy relationships with other human beings, and I do it constantly! I have a healthy intimate relationship with one woman (it doesn't mean that I search for the one and only, as I am 27 years old, but I am dating girls, talking to them, getting to know them better, and in this way I understand it better what I want in a woman). I have developed strong personal boundaries that allow me to have healthy platonic and romantic relationships. I reconcile being alone time with being around other people. I enjoy both situations. I’m truthful to myself and to others.
EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS. I am brave (by brave I mean that I am well-balanced, I take control of my life, I make decisions, I learn from mistakes, I don't give up, I try once again, even if it's 1000th attempt, I don't get intimidated by other human beings, I take control of fear: feel it, but still do what my heart says).
HABITS. I have/always seek for new interesting and at the same time productive habits.
CREATIVITY. I create art. The idea is to be a creator, not just a consumer. I will write the bestselling book, I will create music for my own pleasure, not to become popular. I will be happy in those processes, even if I fail, but of course I set myself up for success. I will create, not destroy, especially my future. I’m creatively alive!
FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE AND PROBLEM SOLVING. I think outside the box (I am not stuck in one way, I always search for other options). I have multiple careers. (Why? I can reach my dreams by being financially independent, I can be healthier, help others).
POSITIVISM. I don't complain, I do something to eliminate what I don't like.
CONTRIBUTION. I learn and I teach. I am a constant learner and a constant teacher.
HEALTH. I take care of my physical, emotional, spiritual, energetic and mental health. I live an active lifestyle!
There is no place for unhealthy addictions in my future.
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT. I become a goal achiever, but to a healthy extent, not overdoing it. When? The time is now, this summer I will have written a list of 101 goals that I want to achieve until I am 30. Why? Because life is a limited resource :D every day can be the last one, so why shouldn't I start setting goals. How? I have already bought A2 format paper, will be filling it in and already achieving some of the easier goals, the hardest ones will need more time.


Last edited by meadowlark on Sun Jul 22, 2018 2:16 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 6:20 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3819
Location: UK
ML
good start of a vision :g: :g:
keep it up
remember that this is and always should be a work in progress
perhaps some detail of how? when? and why? might be useful

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 10:16 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 60
Lesson 3. Values

There is no more room for appearances. If you are to end your addiction, the changes that you are making now must be real...and they must be sincere.

My real values that I will follow:

I. INTEGRITY/SELF-RESPECT
1. I accept the reality as it is, no escapism mechanisms, I do what I can to change the situation on an everyday basis. I am in the present moment. Whatever life gives to me in the moment I use it to make decisions.
2. Truthfulness and honesty. If I don't like something I admit it to myself. I f I don't like how other treat me, I tell them that in a polite, but strict way.
3. I inspire someone at least once a week.
4. I am not jealous. If I feel jealous, I admit it and accept the situation as something that I can learn from. E.g. sb says they managed to travel cheaply to some countries. Instead of jealousy I experience happiness for other's achievements, and I learn something from them, so that I could achieve it too, if I truly want it (integrity).
5. I don't do things just to impress others, I do it for myself, for the present moment, for happiness.
6. I respect myself and others. I communicate with others in a friendly way, I can even tease someone in a friendly way (my colleagues for example), but I never cross the boundaries (theirs and my own).
7. I have strong boundaries. I communicate my feelings in a healthy way.
8. Accepting consequences of my actions/decisions.
9. Minimalism (In terms of possessions, friends and etc.)
10. I respect myself so I finish the job that I started. I don’t procrastinate.

II. HEALTH

1. Exercises are necessary for me to feel physically fit. I do them regularly (I have a detailed plan).
2. I don't smoke.
3. Alcohol is not for me. It empowers my destructiveness. Alcohol doesn't help me with the integrity, it's not only a matter of health. Others cannot lure me into drinking. I have my strong personal opinion about alcohol and my view on it keeps me away from it.
4. I walk every day for at least an hour.
5. I eat healthy food. I budget my money in a savvy way so that I could buy it.
6. I take care of my mental health.
7. I take care of my health, if something happens, I don't ignore the situation.

III. MEANING

1. Faith. Love. Acceptance. Exploring your inner-self, your emotions and feelings. Books.
2. Not being afraid of death.
3. Meditation or prayer.
4. Gratefulness.
5. Respecting the planet Earth.
6. Transcendence.

IV. INTIMACY

1. Long-term monogamous romantic relationship. I get to know a girl better before getting intimate. (2-4 months, more is possible depending on the situation)
2. I talk to some girls to get to know them (getting them in bed is not my primary aim) I enjoy these conversations, if nothing happens I am totally okay with that.
3. I always find time for myself. I am alone for at least 1 hour every day. Yes, I am a bit of an introvert 
4. I admire strong personality traits in others. I love a woman who is capable of loving too, who is responsible
5. Hell yeah or hell no principle. There’s no middle ground. It can be applied in business, romance and etc.
6. If I feel lonely I do something productive, I help other people, I invite other people to do something together.
7. Loving others, being kind to others.
8. Sexual intimacy.

V. INTEGRITY
1. Truthfulness. I am not lying to myself. If I don’t like something I express it, I am not going somewhere (be it a party, a meeting) just because I think I have to.
2. Being a true man. A man who has values, who lives life as he should, who admits the problems and takes action to fix them. A man who doesn’t seek for an instant gratification be it on the Internet or real life.
3. Able to express my feelings.
4. I am able to confidently look people in the eye and say this is who I am and it is true me. You can like it you can hate it, but this is who I am.
5. I am heading towards the things that I am passionate about. I have to extract at least a smile out of what I do on a particular day.
6. I keep promises that I give to myself and others.
7. Wisdom.
8. Feeling needed, desired, respected and loved by others, because I am funny, witty, warm, honest and trustworthy.
9. Feeling needed, desired, respected and loved by my girlfriend, wife.

VI. AUTONOMY

1. Resilience.
2. Decisiveness.
3. Financial freedom.
4. Financial intelligence.
5. Working hard to achieve what I want, but never forgetting to enjoy the process itself and giving myself a reward from time to time.
6. Being frugal, but not cheap.

+SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR
1. I am a man who doesn’t masturbate just because he is bored, or didn’t get laid, this is stupid.
2. I admire fidelity, true intimacy.
3. I don’t use Tinder or other similar Medias at all. It’s full of triggers.
4. I only pay attention to girls, that I think are worth of attention, I feel that there’s something positively attractive about them. I don’t chase easy girls. I know that I will feel degraded afterwards.
5. I am not objectifying women.
6. I am not stuck in my mind, I am not having sexual fantasies/scenarios in my mind. What I value is a true connection with a woman, talking with her, enjoying sex, being creative in bed only with her. There’s going to be challenges here too, but I will be strong and will follow the Intimacy values I have written above. There will be challenges while transitioning from this “inside your mind” mentality which my brain might code as a better media than reality, but I will have patience.
7. I think about sex only when I am with a woman, my woman.
8. Short-term sexual gratification (promiscuity) will never make me happy. It is a waste of your vital energy.
9. Masturbation or having sex with a person you have no intimate connection is a waste of energy that could have been transformed to achieving higher things like goals, aims or life purpose fulfillment.


Last edited by meadowlark on Tue Dec 11, 2018 3:40 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 4:15 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 60
Lesson 4
Prioritizing Your Values

1. I respect myself so I finish the job that I started. I don’t procrastinate.
2. I have strong boundaries. I communicate my feelings in a healthy way.
3. Alcohol is not for me. It empowers my destructiveness. Alcohol doesn't help me with the integrity
4. I take care of my mental health.
5. I am heading towards the things that I am passionate about. I have to extract at least a smile out of what I do on a particular day.
6. Faith. Love. Hope. Acceptance. Exploring your inner-self, your emotions and feelings. Books.
7. Long-term monogamous romantic relationship. I get to know a girl better before getting intimate.
8. I always find time for myself. I am alone for at least 1 hours every day.
9. I admire strong personality traits in others. I love a woman who is capable of loving too, who is responsible
10. Truthfulness and honesty. If I don't like something I admit it to myself. I f I don't like how other treat me, I tell them that in a polite, but strict way.
11.I am not jealous. If I feel jealous, I admit it and accept the situation as something that I can learn from.
12.I don't do things just to impress others, I do it for myself, for the present moment, for happiness.
13. Minimalism (In terms of possessions, friends and etc.)
14. Hell yeah or hell no principle. There’s no middle ground. It can be applied in business, romance and etc.
15. If I feel lonely I do something productive, I help other people, I invite other people to do something together.
16. Being a true man. A man who has values, who lives life as he should, who admits the problems and takes action to fix them. A man who doesn’t seek for an instant gratification be it on the Internet or real life.
17. Wisdom + Financial intelligence
18. I am not stuck in my mind, I am not having sexual fantasies/scenarios in my mind.
19. I admire fidelity, true intimacy.
20. Decisiveness.


Last edited by meadowlark on Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:04 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 3:37 am 
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Posts: 60
Lesson 5
Identifying Incongruent Values

2017 July. I am 27 years old, had my ups and downs, a lot of relapses (years 2015-2016), a lot of moral and physical pain associated with my addiction. Transferring from porn to real life is not easy, but it taught me some crucial lessons. Those lessons helped me to be here where I am now. I feel it is a good place, I just have to be consistent and here are my 15 crystallized values:

1. I am funny, witty and relaxed. I know how to enjoy life. I don't take life too seriously. I see humour all around me. I seek for opportunities to laugh every day. Surround yourself with fun loving people.
2. I respect myself so I finish the job that I started. I don’t procrastinate.
3. I am well organized (planning my days/weeks/months in advance) I stay focused on one task (I don't get distracted so easily).
4. I have strong boundaries. I communicate my feelings in a healthy way. Hell yeah or hell no principle. There’s no middle ground. It can be applied in business, romance and etc.
5. I associate alcohol with pain. Alcohol has played a negative role throughout my whole life (physical and emotional abuse towards me and my mother, so why would I want to use it?).
6. Passion. Trying new things in life, getting out of a comfort zone.
7. I get to know a girl better before getting intimate. I admire fidelity and true intimacy.
8. I always find time for myself.
9. Truthfulness and honesty. If I don't like something I admit it to myself. I f I don't like how other treat me, I tell them that in a polite, but strict way. I don’t lie to myself.
10. Minimalism (In terms of possessions, friends and etc.)
11. If I feel lonely I do something productive, I help other people, I invite other people to do something together.
12. Being a true man. A man who has values, who lives life as he should, who admits the problems and takes action to fix them. A man who doesn’t seek for an instant gratification be it on the Internet or real life. A man who sets long-term goals.
13. FAITH.
14. I am not stuck in my mind, I am not having sexual fantasies/scenarios in my mind. I am focused on my goals (be it only simple goals for the next day/week/month)
15. Decisiveness.


Last edited by meadowlark on Sun Jun 30, 2019 2:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 3:07 am 
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Lesson 6

I always find time for myself.

-After 10 p.m. turn off your phone’s sound, don’t use any social media and even your laptop.
-Dedicated some of your morning time to RN.

If I feel lonely I do something productive, I help other people, I invite other people to do something together.

-Make a list of activities you will do to keep your mind engaged while you’re alone or ill. (e.g. Chess, Writing)
-Make a conclusion about each activity. Was it productive? Did it help you to deal with the feeling of loneliness?
-Invite some friends to do something together (e.g. play badminton)
-Contact people that you care about. (Calling, via social Medias etc.)

I am well organized (planning my days/weeks/months in advance) I stay focused on one task (I don't get distracted so easily).

-I prepare a week’s plan (daily chores, job, entertainment and etc.)
- I prepare a month’s plan. There's place for spontaneity.
-I don’t allow my flat mates or friends to distract me from the tasks that are really important to me.
- If I plan to read an important book, I will read it, no one will distract me from doing it.
-If someone is asking me to go out, disturbing me with questions, and I don’t have time for this, I politely express this and continue with my tasks.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 6:50 am 
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LESSON 7. Action plan.

A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life. -Charles Darwin

For many of these action plans I will need CONSISTENCY.


I am not stuck in my mind, I am not having sexual fantasies/scenarios in my mind. Why this value? So that my sexual thoughts wouldn't leave me with one goal in life, which is sexual gratification (short-term pleasure with long-term consequences).

- Meditation, Stoical Meditation, Prayer, Being grateful for a day that is/was presented to me (every morning and evening).
- Talking to women without flirting. (There is one but, it could be my potential or current girlfriend, and why not to flirt with your wife in the future; there has to be spark maintained :)
- As soon as I get a sexual fantasy I don’t let it expand. I accept it for what it is, but I don’t let it develop into sexual daydreaming.
- If I am triggered by women in the streets, their uncovered parts of breasts, I don’t fall into the trap of fantasizing, instead I change these thoughts with thinking about my life goals.
- if I meet a nice girl, I don’t get into the castle of fantasizing about her when I leave her until the next time. I wait for the next time with her, but I am patient, I don't have false expectations.

Decisiveness. Why this value? So that my dreams would come a reality, I would be a man of action.

Long-term decisions.
-Make a lot of long-term decisions in the following 40 days. (Also: finish 101 goals list) (Don’t just decide something in your head and leave it like that in your mind, but not in reality.)
- Monitor the decisions you will have to make for the upcoming 40 days:
1. Give yourself some time to make a decision. (Literally, sit and think alone).
2. Think of the steps necessary for the decision to become reality, objectives leading to the aims. Think of how your decisions are connected to your values, beliefs and etc. If necessary, reject the idea (your idea or others, they are not necessarily good for you).
-TAKE ACTION! Think and then act pattern.
3. So you have the steps now. Do something about them every day, your identity lies in your everyday values and actions!
4. Evaluate, success and failure, what have you learned from the decision and your actions to reach your aim/aims.

Christianity, Stoicism, Wisdom and Financial intelligence. Why? Because these three components will keep you moving forward in life.
- Meditation (every morning and evening). Reading “The Power of Now “and other similar books. The Bible.
- Reading articles, watching documentaries on the topics that would help you grow as a person emotionally, financially and spiritually. Improving my English so that I would understand more difficult concepts.
- I plan my budget every month.

Being a true man. A man who has values, who lives life as he should, who admits the problems and takes action to fix them. A man who doesn’t seek for an instant gratification be it on the Internet or real life. A man who sets long-term goals.
Why this value? Because you want to be an example to people, because you don't want to have a double identity.
- Every weekend sit and evaluate what you have done throughout the week to consolidate your values, beliefs, decisions and etc.
- Go through the notebooks. Manage these notebooks, make corrections, think of action plans.
-Pay attention to consistency.

Passion. Trying new things in life, getting out of a comfort zone. Why? Because this will keep you advancing and at the same time fulfilled.

- do something new every day. It can be a very simple thing like feeding the birds in a park.
- do something that gets you out of your comfort zone every week. Something that makes you feel uncomfortable, but you know you might get something interesting out of the situation.
- do something that makes your heart beat faster at least once a month :) I have already tried public speaking :)

I don’t procrastinate. Why? Because procrastination is the killer of all dreams, plans and etc.

- You have something in your mind? Take action immediately or write it down on a piece of paper and think of objectives to reach what is in your mind. Don't forget WHY? HOW? and WHEN? Put that piece of paper on your table for you to see it.
- You have a list of tasks. Decide on the time to do them, when the assigned time comes, sit and use your CONCENTRATION to do the job and to finish it. CONCENTRATION is the key.
- Keep track of all the tasks you finished on time, reward yourself (look at do something new every day).

Minimalism (In terms of possessions, friends and etc.) Why? Because life is limited, you cannot waste it on something that is not worth of your attention.

- I budget my money so I wouldn't end up compulsively buying things I don't need.
- Before buying an item, I think twice whether I really need it.
- I will sell things I don't need anymore.
- I will talk to new people, but I will only maintain a further contact with a minimal number of them (that which I am comfortable with).

Truthfulness and honesty. If I don't like something I admit it to myself. I f I don't like how other treat me, I tell them that in a polite, but strict way. I don’t lie to myself. Why? Because you want to be who you feel you are, no masks!

-Confront people who are acting against your wish/your agreement. Ask people a simple question: Why?
- If I don't feel like doing something (a trip, meeting someone) I just don't do it.

I am funny, witty and relaxed. I know how to enjoy life. I don't take life too seriously. I see humor all around me. I seek for opportunities to laugh every day. Surround yourself with fun loving people.
Why this value? Because life is meant to be not only a hard work.

- I monitor my "being too serious" mode. If I am into that, I go somewhere else, breathe in some fresh air and relax.
- I watch something very funny (a comedy, a stand up) at least once a week.
- I tell people jokes.

I have strong boundaries. I communicate my feelings in a healthy way. Hell yeah or hell no principle. There’s no middle ground. It can be applied in business, romance and etc. Why this? Because, once again, life is a limited resource, thus, you have to know when to say yes and when to say no.

- apply the Hell yeah and hell no article in your dating life, work, friendships and your personal life!


Last edited by meadowlark on Sun Jul 22, 2018 2:43 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2017 8:02 am 
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Lesson 10 Committing Yourself to a Policy of Absolute Honesty

1. Pornography websites. Watching porn on my laptop for hours and hours. Escalating to more violent or stranger porn.
2. Tinder to get dates, but it usually leads to matching up with promiscuous girls which leads to one night stands. Imitating what I've seen on porn throughout these sexual encounters.
3. Fantasizing while looking at women. Fantasies are very similar to that from porn.
4. Over-masturbating.
5. Adoring and sexualizing a particular body part of a woman, acquiring fetishes.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 23, 2017 4:14 am 
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Lesson 12

I sometimes still think that now I am almost fully recovered.
And this is a complete and utter nonsense. This is because I measure my recovery success in terms of abstinence. I still have porn images in my mind that i would like to act out in reality, some of those have faded, but there are still some, thus, I am just lying to my self that I am almost recovered. I believe this is due to lack of patience.
I still think and analyse more than I take action.
I pay more of my attention to abstinence than to recovery, emotional management skills and etc.
I jump from one addiction to another (as simple as social media, but still an addiction).
I tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues.
I tend to think about myself as better than others, especially after healing myself more and feeling the positive effects, which is just building ego.

Lesson 13

I. Identify positive patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery.

While experiencing an urge, I always refer to a person who wanted to change initially. I make a quick connection to him, and I quickly realize that it is still me, and I cant let that truer me down.

I know that a lifestyle change, searching for new healthy habits and entertainments is going to help me through recovery.
I associate past addictions with pain.
I know that my addictions helped me to survive and cope, but know they are no longer needed for that reason.
I know that my isolation helped me, but know it can ruin me.
I know that I have everyday decisions whether to be proactive or passive.
I know that I will need a lot of time to change. 3/6/9 months might not be even enough.I am OK with this.

[b]Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values?[/b]

I am still reconciling a lot of thing within this sphere:
I am funny, witty and relaxed. I know how to enjoy life. + I know that a lifestyle change, searching for new healthy habits and entertainments is going to help me through recovery.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 6:21 am 
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Lesson 14. Health Monitoring I

1. PROCRASTINATION

2. Truthfulness and honesty. If I don't like something I admit it to myself. I f I don't like how other treat me, I tell them that in a polite, but strict way. I don’t lie to myself.

3. I have strong boundaries. I communicate my feelings in a healthy way. Hell yeah or hell no principle. There’s no middle ground. It can be applied in business, romance and etc.

4. Passion. Trying new things in life, getting out of a comfort zone.

5. Christianity

6. Wisdom and Financial intelligence

7. Decisiveness

8. I am not stuck in my mind, I am not having sexual fantasies/scenarios in my mind. I am in the present moment

9. I am funny, witty and relaxed. I know how to enjoy life. I don't take life too seriously. I see humor all around me. I seek for opportunities to laugh every day. Surround yourself with fun loving people.

10. Long-term goals. Being a true man. A man who has values, who lives life as he should, who admits the problems and takes action to fix them. A man who doesn’t seek for an instant gratification be it on the Internet or real life.

11. I respect myself and others. I communicate with others in a friendly way,

12. I talk to some girls to get to know them (getting them in bed is not my primary aim) I enjoy these conversations, if nothing happens I am totally okay with that.

13. Loving others, being kind to others.

14. Working hard to achieve what I want, but never forgetting to enjoy the process itself and giving myself a reward from time to time.

15. Being frugal, but not cheap.

16. I take care of my physical and mental health.


Lesson 15 This is what I have learnt over the past 2 weeks:

I have learned that Addiction is not a part of my identity, I started feeling that a permanent change is really possible in my recovery, it is as if it’s a choice between two people that I can be, and this choice is quite easy. I learnt that I need consistency, and that the positive feelings I experience are not enough.
I learned that my addiction stems from my traumatic childhood, the sexual deviances from my parents, porn magazines that I found, not experiencing, but seeing sexual and physical abuse in the family, losing sense of safety, fear of being raped, not knowing what a healthy intimacy is, parental alcoholism.
Every day I think about myself, I respect myself, I encourage myself.

Lesson 16

My addiction helped me to reduce stress I experienced as a teenager. It helped me to feel less angry towards my father. It just helped me to survive. I survived, and my addiction is no longer needed to serve this purpose.

Lesson 17

Identify the elements of your compulsive behavior

Porn --> Fantasy and Suspense induced by pornography --> Orgasm

Alcohol --> Porn --> Fantasy and Suspense induced by pornography --> Orgasm

Fantasy --> Online dating sites --> Meeting a loose girl --> Orgasm --> Accomplishment --> Over masturbation -->


Last edited by meadowlark on Sun Jul 22, 2018 2:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 60
Lesson 18

Consider one of your own compulsive rituals.

Time: Watching porn and masturbating (+alcohol consumption) to different sex scenes , the more varied the better. Going for more shocking or weirder videos, e.g. writing aggression in a porn website's search bar (could take up to 1-3 hours until I find what I want (something newer, more shocking) and, thus, being able to orgasm.
Fantasizing that I am the one who's having sex, not the guy on the screen, and this completely jeopardized my reality and morals.

Intensity: Pornography not satisfying anymore, the need for stronger porn.

Habituation: If going porn free, searching for stimulus in reality, not getting satisfied by this --> coming back to pornography, searching for even more shocking material. Getting stuck in a cycle of searching for something newer and more shocking.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 6:44 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 60
Lesson 20

Mastering Your Addiction
1. The role that addiction played in the PAST

0-6 No addictions.
6-12 years old
I. Seeing Parents watching erotica (This was my first encounter).
II. Searching for porn magazines in the house. (Being curious).
III. Acting out sexual scenes (with friends) that I'd seen in the magazines or TV. (Without an orgasm).
12-15 years old

Classmates, my cousin introduces me to hardcore pornography
Pornography seems like a normality
No masturbation still. First nocturnal emissions.

15-18
Porn images found on the Internet (First masturbation out of curiosity).
Pornography used as a coping mechanism against stress (verbal and physical violence experienced in the household)
I SOMETIMES HAD A FEELING THAT WHAT I WAS DOING IS NOT RIGHT, but I couldn’t stop.

18-24

Pornography used as a coping mechanism more often. If I felt angry, sad or lonely I would bust the nut. First relationship ruined because of porn addiction. Age 22 incorporated alcohol into the whole thing. Would drink until blackouts. Age 24 - Drinking to excess and over masturbation combined. Total degradation.

25-27 Realization that my behavior got out of hand. I realized that I have porn addiction, but I didn’t know how to quit it, what should I do, how was I affected by it. Throughout these years I had to learn a lot of new things about myself and get myself out of layers of denial!

FUTURE
Addiction would help me to distract from the reality (difficult reality).
Me becoming homeless, Getting a girl pregnant, One of my parents die, getting a serious illness, my country goes bankrupt, I am not satisfied with the sex I have with my partner, becoming impotent, losing a job, my profession becoming obsolete, my girlfriend dies, my girlfriend gets severely injured, my kids die, I die, I lose all of my money, I earn a lot of money, but have no time and am stressed, thus, don’t know what to do with my life, I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, I lose my friends, I lose everything and I don’t have money, I have nothing but my own weak body, and so on and so forth, but will I still have the inner voice which would say: hold on!?

Like in the past, so in the future I will encounter stressful life transitions/events which could be either embraced by porn or alcohol or by something else and what is that something else? Here we go:
First and foremost is my attitude. Stoicism is my philosophical view to the difficult events that are happening even now. It really eases my mind.

Lifestyle change. Some transitions will automatically require a lifestyle change from me, but I might need some adjustments to go smoothly further in my life.
Experiments. I will need to experiment with what I have.

Patience and long term vision.

Setting goals after goals.

Developing new relationships.

Reading.

What if it doesn’t work? What if I slide back into my addiction?

I would feel as if I have betrayed myself 3months/9 months/10/20/30 years ago. Where is that drive that I had I would ask myself. We shouldn’t get afraid of getting old, we should be afraid of losing that drive. I would ask myself questions like: How can I get back that drive that I had, not necessarily for the same things, but for something new. How can I enjoy the present more, and what action can I take. Am I in power to change something? And read read read read, never stop reading and exploring your mind.

What if you are left alone? You are lonely. Your wife died your children left your house, maybe I won't even marry, and I’m just single. You are going to be a person you spend the most time with, so why not find the strategies to have fun alone, to enjoy life alone, and at the same time meet new people!


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 3:18 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 60
Lesson 21

Goals
A. Why failed? alcohol, pornography, inconsistency, procrastination.
B. Why do you suppose you were able to succeed? Because I wore an ego mask, double identity, trying to look normal in the eyes of others.

C. I want to have completed the recovery workshop by December 30th (2017).

52 lessons left

3 lessons per week

August
week 1 + + +
week 2 + + +
September
week 3 + + +
week 4 + + + (1 task was delayed) (now this task is in progress 1 week for monitoring my emotions)
week 5 - - - (caught a cold)
week 6 + + + + + +
October
week 7 + + +
week 8 + + +
week 9 + + +
week 10+ + +
November
week 11 + + +
week 12 + + +
week 13 + + +
week 14 + + + (63 completed)
December
week 15 (1 week behind, because I was really concentrated on lessons 60-62), I read and analyzed them twice).
week 16 + + +
week 17 + + +
week 18 + + + +

73 lessons have been completed!
12.27.2017


Last edited by meadowlark on Wed Dec 27, 2017 10:47 am, edited 41 times in total.

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