Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Mon Oct 14, 2019 3:54 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 59 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4
Author Message
PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2018 6:48 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
March 2018

Hi guys, here are some of my thoughts from the last 2 months:

I have distanced myself from pornography and it could be really felt. I make more decisions in my life, I moved to another apartment this month, started eating healthier. At the same time I started dating women and without only thinking about sex but also about other aspects of our interactions, and I can see that there are a lot of things that I lack in terms of starting relationships, even wanting them, knowing what I want and etc.; so I'm just exploring, I am ready to LEARN and experience relationships and the upcoming life as it is:)

Positivism is crucial, but there is something I would like to add:

As my addict's mask is being taken off day by day there are still a lot of things to not only LEARN, but also to ADMIT to myself (and admitting part is really the hardest). Throughout the years of active addiction, I was like oh... this aspect of my life is ok, this is ok, my job is ok, my level of happiness is ok, everything is quite okay. "I am OK" Now it is quite stressful at times to suddenly figure out that, damn, I was OK with this for so may years? Changing things is not easy, but it is totally worth it. If not for this site, I would be most likely watching porn and masturbating to it this very moment. But I am not doing it, I am planning my upcoming days, and the plans that I write are not perfect, I miss a lot of days, I like spontaneity, but I really feel great benefits of really PLANNING YOUR DAYS of experiencing emotional discomfort BUT NOT TURNING to alcohol or porn, dealing with those negative feelings in a healthier way.

So is everything so nice and swift? -

In terms of urges: for the past days I was feeling no urges! However after a month or so of not feeling any urges one very uncomfortable urge struck me. Because of my level of awareness I managed to stop myself from starting a chain. A lot was to do with the feeling of loneliness frustration and being super horny (it may sound funny, but yeah I was super super horny, and once again I would like to emphasize that if I hadn't finished these lessons I would have probably relapsed. So what made me stop?

I failed with one woman that I like, to make a long story short I was rejected, and sitting alone at home in front of a computer that late evening... there was just a split of a second in my testosteronic brain where I just opened a browser and started typing "naked bluh bluh images" ... and then, then I stopped.. And told myself : this is not me that is doing this stuff, what about my vision of life.

This transient sort of state came when I was supper super horny, and it is really more difficult to be aware of my daily routine, my life vision, my values and etc when I am in such state.

Do I still read what I have written here on RN? : Yes, it helps to recycle the information once again :)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2018 1:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
May 2018

I started relationship with a woman. It is a very nice feeling to experience love. Some of this love was suppressed in the beginning. I managed my fear of intimacy pretty well (Porn helped me to avoid the negative feelings that I would get from forming romantic relationships).

What went well? Managed to overcome my fear of intimacy. Porn induced erectile dysfunction cured to a certain extent (like 90-95% I should say) Like many guys report some of its coming back, but I don't really mind it that much, I don't even mind the flatlines, although they hinder the relationship with this woman I should say (I feel like a zombie for a few days after an orgasm).

What is still strange? Had sex after about a month of dating. I guess it might seem too soon for a former porn addict (yes I use the word former, but I am not stupid I know that former can become current anytime; have to stay vigilant for the rest of my life) in the beginning 20% of times it was more of true love making, but 80% sort of porn imitation (nevertheless, I HAVE NO PORN IMAGES WHILE HAVING SEX + porn induced erectile dysfunction cured at least to a greater extent; in general I feel way more comfortable, me and my partner are able to stop the unhealthy porn-mimicking behavior, and my partner doesn't want this type of sex so it's a mutual wish) in this relationship I am very honest and MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION PAST. THIS IS VERY HELPFUL as we try to avoid porn resemblance in sex and we are intimate not only physically, but also by sharing our vulnerabilities and being simply honest.

Things to still work on: fear of intimacy as I noticed that the traumatic past impacted my relationship patterns. e.g. I can project my parents infidelity on the current relationship's future, which induces fear in me SO THERE IS STILL SOME THINGS TO WORK ON BESIDES HAVING FINISHED RECOVERY NATION AND REMEMBERING ITS LESSONS. Life is a journey, not a destination.
Reconciling the relationship with the daily activities/ work/ life vision/ values and etc.
Understanding and Expressing my feelings. What I truly want. Truthfulness.
Knowing more about myself. Know thyself!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 2:09 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 380
Hi Meadowlark,

Thanks for posting this to your thread.

This will all feel very new and different for you but you can already see the benefits of going into a new relationship with a greater self awareness which must be rewarding for you.

Quote:
MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION PAST. THIS IS VERY HELPFUL

That can't have been an easy conversation but well done for living by your values and being honest and transparent from the start, you will reap the benefits of that.

Quote:
Life is a journey, not a destination

Absolutely, and I hope others read your thread and can see the theory being put into practice on your journey and it working so well for you. Well done you!

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2018 4:40 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
July 2018

Thank you learningtorun!

Today I went to an ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting. There were some new people, thus, I talked a bit about my childhood trauma and porn, and some of the male members wanted to talk with me after the meeting. They were surprised that I can speak so openly about such issue. I understand that a lot of men are hindering their all types of relationships unknowingly by watching and masturbating to porn. They were actually glad that I told them about the stuff that I experienced here. This made me happy. I think helping other is very important as you progress yourself. It is sort of a giving back to others what you got from others haha :)

This is my insight from the last 2 months:
Relapses: No
Slips: No
The conclusion that I came up to, it is my personal experience it might not work with others, but it works at the moment with me: If you want to beat the "darkness" you have to fight it with honesty and openness, I personally have to pronounce it, beat the fear; whatever it may be: you are unhappy, people are treating you badly, you are treating yourself badly (by watching porn or not loving yourself, abandoning your values - not taking care of yourself in any way, you are not happy in a relationship, something is bothering you; your girlfriend is passive aggressive and so on and so forth - you have to speak out, you have to tell the thing, tell the truth, otherwise it will eat you, you will feed the same part of you that was fueling addiction and other DESTRUCTIVE behavior. This may lead you to some terrible things :) It seems simple, just pronounce it, but actually it is very very hard, but totally worth it, as this journey at Recovery Nation is.

My next goal: I aim for self-love, love for others, acceptance, consolidating my belief in God (at the moment I am refreshing my Vision and some of the values)

Pronounce what's wrong or keep it destroying you, pronounce it and you will win :)

p.s. I also learnt that by simply asking questions you can avoid a lot of unnecessary anger, wow, relationships can teach us so much, and I am glad that I am dealing with these things now. Now is important, time is a limited resource :) No regrets, just the future :)

Have a good day everyone :)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:43 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
October 2018

I had a lot of work these two months. Stress was managed effectively. There were ups and downs relationship-wise, nonetheless I've learnt a lot with her during these 6 months that we've been together. There were some trust issues in our relationship, but I was the one to detect it and we both successfully dealt with this quite unnerving matter.

A friend of mine asked me to write an article about my experience with pornography. I wrote it, but unfortunately it was rejected, the reason being: it is too against pornography. There was only one sentence that might imply "Against": "I don't support pornography". I was given a framework (questions); why would they ask such questions as "How to find balance in watching porn and if there is such thing as balanced watching of pornography?". Yeah, this was their question, anyways maybe they found it too disturbing or horrific as my erectile dysfunction from the porn watching times was mentioned.

It is pretty obvious now, that I am more confident in dealing with stress, I don't need escapism strategies. I am glad I can handle life as it is :)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 7:59 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
November 2018

Approximately 1 year after my last relapse. ( And it is not only a number, it is some serious skills that I have developed throughout the days)
My life management skills were put into the test 2 weeks ago.
2 things happened at the same time:
My father hit his head while intoxicated, was hospitalized and lost part of his memory + has speech impediment.
I had to break up with my girlfriend, I don't want to share the details, but it was mainly trust issues.

I didn't use alcohol or porn to alleviate the emotional overload.

What am I working on these days? Strange as it may sound: My inner child. The workshop here and other guys' posts clarify how important it is to deal with this issue, not to ignore the child within (in any way you understand this concept as it could be explained in neuroscience as having that and that part in your brain that is still responding to life events now with the reference to the past traumas). As far as I am concerned my addictions stemmed from my early childhood, AND DEALING WITH THIS ACTUALLY HELPS TO RECONCILE MY PAST with NOW. I needed other people to help me, I needed books, I needed Recovery Nation, I needed patience, self-love, it's probably impossible to list everything, but the feeling that you are in a better place now is a wonderful feeling.

Where to improve: My reflections in my notebook about my post-addiction life could be more detailed and revisited more often. I should be shifting from planning 1 week to planning a month or even more, 1 year plan is in my view now actually (in terms of careers), WILL SEE HOW THIS GOES :)

*The other insight just popped into my head was that 3 years ago, when I had my first attempt to quit porn, I started experiencing my first flashbacks from my past vividly, and I was psychologically disturbed so much. What does it signify? I wrote in one of my posts that this means, and according to this workshop, is the addiction that served purpose to numb my pain, with which I had to cope with in order to live a healthier life now.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 4:40 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
December 2018

I actually feel freer with each and every day. By being FREE I don't mean the initial euphoria that I would get when I was starting my recovery journey. The definition of being FREE makes more sense to me now, all spheres of life seems to be improving, because I take more ACTION. When I started this workshop everything was new, interesting and challenging, but now it is consistency that I am focusing on. And I like it! Actions speaks louder than your words and sticking to your values and life vision or improving it makes more and more sense to me as I become more mature, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. What I did here and what I read 1-3 years ago makes more sense now; and I wonder why? It is because back in those days I promised myself that I cannot be the person that I was, change will be difficult, but I must change. I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago, but it made me a stronger person. I had to hang up the phone to my drunk father with a simple explanation that I will not allow myself to listen to him while he's clearly intoxicated, this is my boundary that I set 2 years ago, and I am still following it, and I will. I know that addictions helped me to survive the feelings and emotions that followed after similar situations in life, but now I cannot see how they could help me, I choose freedom, acceptance, self-love, kindness, compassion, resilience and all the other positive elements of life and my actions are in harmony with those. I like my life as it is and at the same time I am moving forward. I will not let the negative events in life to destroy me. With each and every experience I am becoming stronger.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 11:39 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Hi ML
Quote:
I know that addictions helped me to survive the feelings and emotions that followed after similar situations in life, but now I cannot see how they could help me, I choose freedom, acceptance, self-love, kindness, compassion, resilience and all the other positive elements of life and my actions are in harmony with those. I like my life as it is and at the same time I am moving forward. I will not let the negative events in life to destroy me. With each and every experience I am becoming stronger.

:g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:

Great to hear that well done you
Another success thanks to the RN programme, Coach Jon's wisdom and generosity and your own hard work and commitment
Again well done and be the best that you can dream of being

Please don't become a stranger remain as an example to all, in particular those who doubt!

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:03 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
January 2019

Thanks Kenzo, You're an inspiration :)

Quote:
Again well done and be the best that you can dream of being

Please don't become a stranger remain as an example to all, in particular those who doubt!


IN PARTICULAR THOSE WHO DOUBT

I remember myself 3 years ago. I was not only in doubt, I was also hopeless... I just knew deep down in my heart that I cannot live like this anymore. There was always something inside of me that kept me going whatever. After finding RN everything started changing for the better, I only had 1 relapse after watching a film which had some sexual scenes, I masturbated; the next day I felt empty, I wrote here that I relapsed, because here only honesty is accepted, without it... good news is that honesty can be attained, consolidated and maintained, it comes from your heart (before RN I would relapse like 2-6 times per month to weird/hardcore porn(during active addiction period 3-4 times a day, now this number seems crazy, it is so strange to remember that part of me, but I guess remembering those days from today's perspective is a good thing, I wouldn't want to come back there and this statement is not out of fear, but out of strength).

Lesson 60 helps to avoid complacency. I reread it this week. Why? I strongly believe that being vigilant, but not addicted to any recovery program is a must :) Evaluating your life in terms of not only your sexual thoughts, but also the need for healthy intimacy, relationships with other people, reactions to life events and etc. doesn't do any harm, it's the opposite, it keeps you well-balanced, and this is what I want :)
You can run from yourself your whole life, but you won't get far...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 11:57 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
March 2019

I am going through emotional hardship, because last week I lost my patience. I realized a lot more things are still missing in my life, and I can feel them, those things are expressed in more authentic way then ever before, those are at my fingertips, and yet some of them I don't know how to get, I'm too needy... And fortunately I stopped, and I read this quote:

Quote from RN:

Quote:
"You are building a life based on EVOLVING value system - and the change will involve living a life that you simply cannot currently comprehend. Not a PERFECT life, but a genuine life. One based in reality. In courage. In integrity. A life where the person that you are, is the person that others know you to be. Where love and acceptance are real, not illusions"


It is very important not to lose patience and continue growing from whatever place you are, you cannot get all the things you missed out in your life in only one day. Addictive brain might be tricking me, but at least it is tricking me with real things like healthy intimacy, love, trust, understanding, acceptance and etc. and not porn or alcohol.

I guess life is really just a journey and not a destination haha :g:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2019 7:44 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Hi M
Quote:
I guess life is really just a journey and not a destination


for sure but do remember that you and you alone get to choose the direction of travel

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 6:08 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
April 2019

Hey! Thanks a million Kenzo - I really appreciate your response.

What helps me to experience life and stay sober:

1. As life progresses, I definitely face difficulties, but after them I experience what I would call having a stronger emotional spine. I revisited my VALUES here, and what is truly ingrained in me without pretending (COMPLETE HONESTY RULE) are these: LOYALTY, FAMILY, EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY, FAITH, PURPOSE, TRUTHFULNESS (Actions match the things I say or promise), JOY, MANLINESS, HEALTHY INTIMATE AND PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS, DECISIVENESS, STRONG BOUNDARIES, EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS IN AN ADEQUATE WAY, TALKING, STOICISM, FAITH (being too religious or too philosophical could be a trapping in its own right, at least for me; Getting values from doctrines can actually distant me from real ME :) thus I maintain the middle ground, values and principles are the most important thing to me, not wearing a fake mask is what makes my every day authentic, and then I know how to drive through my life :)

2. Knowing my WEAKNESSES. Lesson 32 As I become more and more sober, I face more and more negative character traits that I didn't notice in me until NOW. :) This is a funny thing and in my opinion a good sign of filtering through what is real you after so many years of denying your feelings and who you really are by engaging in something that was so degrading. Now that I am more sober I notice that I lack PATIENCE for example, or that I lack GRATEFULNESS or something is missing in my social skills, romantic skills (developing healthy romantic relationship, knowing what you want from a woman and etc... the list can go on and on. Anyways being aware, writing those down on a piece of paper and actually experimenting and living life HELPS A LOT! :)

3. REGULAR SELF-ASSESSMENTS. I need to write or think about some aspects less and less. But yeah, I still have the past. I have to stay vigilant :) Three weeks ago I spent my holidays in the South. Women bodies are uncovered more there, I am a healthy man, thus my eyes would sometimes wander. Scanning happened, but what helped me stop? The remembrance that a part of a woman's body is not the woman's inside, it's not her values, it is just a part of her body, not her face, not her character --> I would need to know a woman better before making intimate decisions :) Also, I have a direction in my life --> keep your eyes straight, if you see an attractive woman - you talk to her, you get to know her better, an it takes time and patience and I cannot be needy :) Neediness is another trait that stemmed from my childhood (as soon as I realized that I got more woman wanting to actually be in a relationship with me, I started noticing neediness in women, it's not an attractive character, but that is another topic... The point is that my WHY that I wrote in the first lesson: wanting to transition from porn to a healthy intimate relationship keeps me going, I'm humbler and at the same time wiser. Purpose, values, knowing your drawbacks, experimenting, building and regular assessment seems like a lot of work, but without it, I can end up somewhere where I don't want. It may not be porn, but it may be something that is unhealthy due to abandoned life management skills, procrastination, codependency and etc.

4. FRIENDS, NEW ACQUAINTANCES, JOB, ENTERTAINMENT, JOY, POSITIVE EMOTIONS and etc.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2019 5:28 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
SUMMER 2019

For the very first time in my life I am single and so OK with that. No need for validation, no need to have another person (gf) for the wrong reasons (e.g. just for sex).
I'm living my life and if I meet an interesting woman I try and get acquainted with her, but I don't get too invested, no fantasies, no neediness. Fear of intimacy vs falling in love too quickly? I'm more aware of these things, and I do my best to guard my heart but also find the balance in between the two.
I am focused on my job, which I truly enjoy doing, .... bettering my life, adding more elements to my Life's vision and lifestyle.

-I don't experience porn urges or something like that, nonetheless it is summer, and, therefore, I do get horny from time to time, and this is usually because of the way women get dressed on a hot summer day. I accept this as a sign of healthier reality kicking in (not pornography). At the same time I know what type of woman I want (physical appearance and character traits, values etc.) It actually helps me to have standards and not get involved in something that I surely would regret!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:42 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Hello ML
Quote:
For the very first time in my life I am single and so OK with that.

I don't experience porn urges or something like that,

It actually helps me to have standards and not get involved in something that I surely would regret!


and regret would only be the start of it
well done you but do be aware of complacency

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 59 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group