Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Wed Apr 14, 2021 9:51 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 78 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2017 7:30 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
Thanks Kenzo for responding :) I really appreciate this. Your kind words in the beginning also helped me a lot! a lot!

Rule of Absolute Honesty

Unfortunately I RELAPSED


Fortunately, because of this Recovery Nation Workshop it wasn't a full blown relapse.

What happened

In recent days I was really horny, no girlfriend, no masturbation, nothing at all. For many the solution would seem simple, find a girl in a bar, bring her to your place, "f" her and that's it, or just masturbate... easy...
Not here
I wrote one girl that I met this weekend in a language exchange. She obviously was into me, but I wasn't 100 % sure about her (However I somehow managed to think in this way: well she liked me, and I am super horny, I have to do something) I have the place, I want her NOW (Instant gratification). At the same time I was like damn! I have to wait, not rush, my aim is to transition to a relationship/sex/intimacy without a rush, and when you think about it, I am not into this girl 100% (more like 40% something, sorry if it sounds like objectifying), this seems very contradictory.
Still, I'd decided to write her. Decision based on horniness :e:
You know, it's just being curious, like on Tinder... while it's clear what I am aiming for.
And to make it worse we talked about films to improve the language skills, well she recommended her favourite film, which has 2-3 erotic scenes in it. Triggers, triggers, triggers I watched that film, I knew there is going to be scenes that are quite explicit, I thought I'm gonna send her some of the scenes that I liked. What a stupid thing. Didn't do it, but after watching the first scene I masturbated, thinking that it is better than meeting her and doing a mistake, then regretting. The situation might seem silly for many, but it emphasizes my wish for instant gratification, and what I do at this very weak moment when I am horny and emotionally disbalanced, not aiming for a value based decision.

OK, so I had a lot of fantasies before relapsing.
I didn't binge, no over masturbation.
Stopped writing that girl, no contact will be kept.
After an orgasm I had more fantasies, urges to watch porn (very mild, but still...)
I didn't sleep with the girl.
I didn't watch porn, however I watched that film knowing that it has sex scenes. (Totally against my values)

I am not horny anymore as I relapsed (not a full blown relapse, more of a huge setback), thus, it is easier to concentrate and to think clearly. At the same time I know I am going to face similar situations in the future. As it is outline in this workshop, it is impossible to predict every situation in the future, but to have a necessary value based decision making mechanisms is essential.

what have I learnt and what I am going to do about it.

Women will show you attention, but you need some time to get to know them before getting intimate with them, KNOW YOUR PURPOSE of such new bond.
Films with erotic scenes in them is not a good idea for a porn addict. Especially if you are horny, it will lead you to a relapse and might even lead you to a post relapse thing (could be escalating to porn, over masturbation, inviting women to "drink coffee" and etc.)
Because of my extensive porn use, I am prone to developing sex addiction.
Beating short term gratifications and changing a lifestyle might be the most important thing in beating the aftermath of porn addiction and transitioning permanently to a healthier life, healthier choices.

I will continue doing RN lessons, the commitment made is the commitment to be proceeded.
The RN lesson learned will have to be revisited (to consolidate what I had learned and to add new perspectives)
Life Vision, action plans and etc. will have to be reevaluated and reconciled.

PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2017 8:23 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
46 - Urge Control: Isolating the Decision


This is how I would isolate the decision and do something about the situation/urge:

1. I meet nice girls. I am not attracted to them. They show me attention. I don't know how to react. (Serenity)
2. I leave them, I don't ask them out. (Confusion)
3, I start thinking about how I could have used them for a sexual gratification. (Frustration) point of no return
4. I have sexual fantasies. (this eases my anxiety, regret) - point of no return
7. If she doesn't agree to meet, the porn or masturbation chain could start. (Seeking for instant gratification to muck the feelings of regret, sexual frustration, anger etc.) WATCHING PORN??? WATCHING EROTICA?? DO YOU VALUE AN IMAGE ON THE SCREEN MORE THAN THE 101 GOALS YOU HAVE BEEN WRITING, MORE THAN YOUR LIFE'S VISION? NO! I STOP, I THINK ABOUT THIS ISOLATED MOMENT OF URGE, AND I SAY NO TO IT. I LEAVE THE HOUSE IF NEEDED AND DO SOMETHING THAT IS CONNECTED WITH MY VALUES!

LESSON 46 (Summary)
We organize the originality of our life through our emotions — it is that simple.

Once mechanical, the emotions surrounding compulsive behavior are isolated from your core identity — which allows you to make decisions that reflect your values, rather than your current emotional state.

here is literally no end to the pool of potential stimuli that you face. Fortunately, new stimuli have no emotions associated with them, and so you are able to screen out the majority of this stimuli without conscious effort. Unfortunately, because the way that you interpret this stimuli will directly influence your emotions, those who have developed an extensive pattern of sexualizing their environment face a constant bombardment of potentially sexual stimuli. This makes recovery from sexual addiction much more difficult than it needs to be.

47 - Urge control; Realistic Scenarios


I. Porn

1. Boredom, Loneliness.
2. Thought of making love to a woman.
3. Having no woman around, thus, an urge of watching porn arises.
4. Turning on the laptop (Point of no return).
5. The chance to make a break and think about my values in life.
6. I think about what it really means to be a man, how wasting a vital energy is not worth, this energy could be used for achieving goals.
7. I stop and turn of the computer, I meditate, go outside for a walk.

II. Masturbation using fantasy

1. Meeting a girl. We'are talking.
2. The girl is not my type, but some parts of her body triggers me.
3. I stop here, think about the consequences, what I will do with this girl later, I think about how I would feel devastated, how I'd feel with my broken values.

III. Being alone at home, knowing I will be alone at home for the whole evening

1. Boredom
2. First thoughts of inviting some girls to my house, watching erotica, some images from tv-series trigger my porn thoughts, thoughts of going to the bars and getting a one-night stand.
3. I stop here, I revisit my aims in life, I start reading a book, I do what is connected to my core identity! This being alone at home stems out from my teenage hood, you're not a teenager anymore!
4. I envision, how great I feel achieving certain goals.

IV. Thoughts about death, life's shortness.

1. I think about life and how short it is, that we can die every minute.
2. I stop here if I feel that this is going to lead me towards promiscuity (Yap! Understanding that life is short could actually lead me to porn, dangerous behavior, gambling etc...

V. Having a girlfriend, but being sexually unsatisfied.

1. My gf doesn't want to have sex, is in another country etc.
2. I feel frustrated, thus, needing to render my frustration to something like watching porn and masturbating.
3. I accept that I feel frustrated. I stop my unhealthy behavior by isolating this emotion from my identity, by remembering my addiction, by remembering where I was, by remembering my values in life, and that I don't put sex on a pedestal.
4. | don't try to solve the situation on the spot, which would cause quarrels and etc.Everything takes time.

VI. The weather is nasty, gloomy and bleak, I feel lonely. I want to comfort myself with an addiction. Alcohol, maybe an image of a naked woman on the screen.
1. The poignant feeling of loneliness.
2. I stop myself for a minute and ask, will this feeling last forever? - NO! THIS FEELING ISN'T A PART OF MY IDENTITY. What can I do now to reach tomorrow, what can I do?; something not necessarily productive, but something that would be nice and not destructive. It is a late night so friends are not here, you're alone, but it is not true, you have interesting books, you have inspirational films, you have YOU:)
3. Porn or alcohol is not worth destroying your future (even the immediate one; you don't always have to think about 5 years; think about the following week, care for your future).

PostPosted: Sat Oct 28, 2017 5:59 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
48 - Proactive/Reactive Urge Awareness

role-playing +
visualization +
anticipating +
actively seeking opportunity +

49 - Health Monitoring III: Evolving Daily/Weekly

Life Assessment
User Name meadowlark
Email ***********@****.com
04 Progress Summary Became more aware of my social, sexual and romantic immaturity. Feeling more motivated to improve.

Masturbation 1 0.2
Erotic fantasy 4 1

The positive impact that your recovery efforts over the past thirty days have had on your:
(1-No effect 2-Slight 3-Moderate 4-Considerable 5-Extreme)

Family 2
Friends 3
Co-workers 5
Career 2
Finances 3
Romantic Relationships 2
Self-esteem 2
Stress level 5
Time management 2
Hobbies 2

Negative effects of my masturbation incident:

Stress level - 2 (slight)
Hobbies - 2 (slight)
Other areas - 0 (no effect)

progress goals My understanding is expanding, but I need to take more action. I am a bit lazy still :)
slip relapse proximity I watched a film with 2-3 erotic scenes, almost slipped to watching porn.
likely triggers Promiscuous girls, easy girls, bars, loneliness, boredom, stress as I will have to move to another apartment (YET AGAIN!). Work related stress.
top 3 values 18
top 10 values 5
emotionbased unhelathy 2
chores 35
family 1
friends 9
alone 20
sexual 1
romantic 0
recovery 9

healthiest Healthy
unhealthies Fairly Unhealthy
overall Close to Healthy
submit Submit Assessment

PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 3:28 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
50 - Compulsive Decisions are based on Emotions; Healthy Decisions are based on Values

A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)

Positive. Feeling better about myself in the upcoming days.
Negative. Feeling frustrated.

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

Positive. Got rid of frustration or any other emotion temporary.
Negative. Feeling worse about myself, about my life and where I'm leading it.

C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?

Values based: The development of my identity will not be compromised and hindered, my values will prosper.
Emotion-based: The development of my identity will be hindered, my values deteriorated or abandoned.

PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2017 12:37 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
51 - Decision-Making: Identifying the Options


Rituals that trigger my porn expectation chain have 2 sidelines,and they are as follows:


1.Image (in my mind or on the screen) HERE THE OPTIONS COULD START.
OPTION 1 - Continue fantasizing for 5-10 min. and stop.
OPTION 2 - Continue fantasizing and the action follows, like masturbation.
OPTION 3 - Stop fantasizing,and render my thoughts towards something more productive.
OPTION 4 - in case of very pervasive thoughts, I leave my room, and take a walk at the same time calling my friend to talk about how I feel.
OPTION 5 - Take a cold shower. After a cold shower, I read a book. (Very useful if nobody else is to help you but you yourself, know that).
OPTION 6 - I decide to change my thought pattern. Instead of sex or masturbation I start thinking about something completely different like poverty in certain regions of the world...
OPTION 7 - Visualization. Visualizing how I would feel in case of a relapse, another day would be terrible.
OPTION 8 - Revisit my life vision.Goals and objectives. Take an action towards one of the objectives.
OPTION 9 - I begin another ritual, like watching naked women on the screen.
OPTION 10 - I masturbate immediately to an image in my mind. Orgasm is reached.

2. Wanting something to feel fulfillment, achievement or success.

1. Stayed at home. Doing nothing just being a layabout. HERE THE OPTIONS COULD START.
OPTION 1. I Stay at home, but decide to do something productive.
OPTION 2. I Stay at home, but I call my friends, I contact other human being through social media, this might lead to meeting friends.
OPTION 3. I stay at home, and I let the boredom, loneliness take over my existence. My thoughts wander. I start thinking about sex. Another ritual starts.
2. Turning on a computer to get myself entertained.
OPTION 1. I decide to turn it off as I am not in the right mood, bored an lonely, I am definitely not gonna do anything that is productive.
OPTION 2. I turn on the computer and just surf the net (walking on a thin ice).
3. Googling for naked women images (according to my fantasies at a particular moment).POSSIBLE POINT OF NO RETURN.
OPTION 1. I start browsing through images of naked women.
OPTION 2. I decide to close the images immediately, and go through my values' list.
4. Googling doesn't suffice, I head for porn websites.

Porn expectation --> Tinder --->Arranging a meet up --> Sex ---> Disappointment + Guilt ---> Fantasy ---> Masturbation (+ Orgasm) ---> Disappointment, feeling of worthlessness, ---> Masturbation (+Orgasm).

PORN EXPECTATIONS in reality could be induced by a mere fantasy or an image on the screen (as shown in my 2 sidelines), it can be induced just because I feel lonely or I want success (to reach nirvana :)

all parts of this chain can have options, and remembering my past I can safely say, that I could feel at least 2-3 options, thinking about consequences of each, but I was so driven by emotions, that it was, as at that time seemed, impossible to stop myself.

There will be situations in my life where it will not be a porn expectation, it will not be Tinder, it won't be loneliness, but rather something that might lead me to this chain again (something like an opportunity to have sex with the other girl, while being in a relationship, let's say just to fullfil my porn fantasies).
Point of no return is the moment when I meet a girl to fullfil my porn fantasies. Before that the options emerge:


OPTION 1: I decide to cancel the meeting, as I know where it will lead.


1. I only pay attention to girls, that I think are worth of attention, I feel that there’s something positively attractive about them. I don’t chase easy girls. I know that I will feel degraded afterwards.
2. I am not objectifying women.
3. I think about sex only when I am with a woman, my woman.
4. Short-term sexual gratification (promiscuity) will never make me happy. It is a waste of your vital energy.
5. Masturbation or having sex with a person you have no intimate connection is a waste of energy that could have been transformed to achieving higher things like goals, aims or life purpose fulfillment
6. Being a true man. A man who has values, who lives life as he should, who admits the problems and takes action to fix them. A man who doesn’t seek for an instant gratification be it on the Internet or real life. A man who sets long-term goals.

DECISION: YES, the meeting is canceled.

CONSEQUENCE: I feel good about my self, boundaries weren't violated, values secured. I might feel frustrated for an hour or so, but the upcoming hours of my life are not filled with regret or the strong feeling of the lack of control in my life!

What would you do in the case of a value conflict? In this option there might be this rudemental value: "man has to have sex", but I once again stick to my values as degrading behaviour is not worth this shallow value, that doesn't incorporate other aspects of life.

OPTION 2 I decide to meet the girl, I know that there's 90% chance we will have sex, I will head for it, I want it, my emotional state is such that I just need it and that's it.

VALUE/BOUNDARIES FILTER It's just sex, there's nothing wrong in sex, is there? (Lying to myself) NO VALES OR BOUNDARIES CONSIDERED.

DECISION: Yes, I will meet her.

CONSEQUENCE: Porn like behaviour was induced, sexual chain was continued to not necessarily extremes, but it was continued.
Feeling of no control over one's life. Vital energy consumed, feeling sloppy the next day, no energy, no virility.
I have talked with other people about this openly, although I could have left it as a secret. Leaving it as a secret would make me feel even more devastated, more destructive.

OPTION 3 I decide to meet with a girl, but just to see her naked, maybe I will refrain myself. (An Option driven by DOUBT)

VALUE/BOUNDARIES FILTER: I temporary abandon my value system, just because I have doubts or conflicting values.

DECISION: YES, meet the girl, but maybe I will not have sex with her. Only if she is very sexy let us say (Tricking myself).

CONSEQUENCE: My values were abandoned, because of doubt. Doubt is what hinders not only the recovery, but also my sense of control in life!
It could be so, that I am meeting a girl and sex, porn fantasies are not implied, but I still shouldn't abandon my values and boundaries system.

52 - Decision-Making: Isolating the Emotions

When I play badminton I can get worked up after a series of lost rallies. I isolate myself from emotions like anger, revenge, and continue even with a certain level of enjoyment. I isolate myself from negative emotions that would otherwise affect my game in a negative sense.
When I teach, and get a bit angry at my students, I isolate myself from the negative emotions and can manage my lesson easier, without getting worked up.

53 - Decision-Making: Making the Decision

Masturbation is against my values, where it is done in a destructive way. Destructive way means:

- Masturbating while watching porn
- Masturbating while fantasizing.
- Masturbating after watching porn/erotic film.
- Masturbating out of boredom, loneliness or similar emotions.
- Masturbating just because you didn't manage to sleep with a girl you like. Masturbating because of failure.
- Masturbating after sex, because I didn't enjoy sex, it wasn't porn-like, didn't bring me a certain emotional relief etc.
- Masturbating to get more aroused. (PIED)
- Over masturbating.

Masturbation within my values.

-Masturbation that is free of fantasizing and is done infrequently (once a month, twice per month); it doesn't lower my sex drive and , thus, when I am again with my partner I am fully charged ;)
- Masturbation that is done infrequently, and is done to avoid going to brothels, sleeping with easy girls etc. (Frequency: 1 time per month = min rage; 1 time per 3 months = max rage).
My Urologist told me that there has to be some sort of regularity in terms of sex/masturbation. So I also follow this rule to not over masturbate; once per week could bring me to over masturbation). I found my middle ground which is 1/month 1/2 months 1/3months :) I have tried this pattern and it kinda works for me.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
54 - Decision-Making: Assessing the Consequences. Dual identity.

A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I decided that I am not going to visit my family if my father drinks. It is for my own emotional protection (value = I want to become a well-balanced person, emotional security). It is also a boundary. Negative effect: I didn't visit my family during Easter holidays. I didn't meet my grandparents.

B. Select an EMOTION-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some POSITIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I decided to travel to Ukraine out of boredom and hopelessness as I relapsed on Porn, I drank a lot of alcohol there. Positive consequence: I realized that my whole life I was living in isolation, avoiding life (not talking about drinking and watching porn, but a real experience that life can offer). I met a girl from my own country who also belongs to Adult Children of Alcoholics. She encouraged me to continue going to the meetings.

Summary: there is no white and black, emotion based and value based decisions have their own cons and pros.

I had a dual identity. I was a porn and alcohol addict the whole time, living in denial. To society I was a decent guy, working in a respectable job. Some of my values were negative and people noticed that, but my inner-self didn't really care.

Inner self — which is where the most intense feelings exist and where boundaries and values are all but non-existent; and their social self — where the majority of intellectual values and boundaries reside. The patterns of addiction and emotional learning take place in the inner self, while judgment and consequence is experienced in the social self.

In a nutshell, the embracing of the consequences of my decision to not have an affair led to a strengthening of the associated values. This led to a reinforcement of the boundaries that protect those values and ultimately, I felt emotionally fulfilled for choosing not to have an affair.

I'd like to leave a few key positive notes that resonated within me:

I do not have to feel guilty or ashamed for my behavior; quite the opposite.
I do not have to worry about having impregnated someone other than my wife.
I do not have to worry about having contracted some disease .
I do not have to expend energy to maintain the lies.
I do not have to worry about the guilt of my behavior affecting our sex life.
I do not have to spend years of emotionally exhausting energy trying to rebuild a marriage.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 4:46 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
57 - Reactive Action Plans. FIRST REAL LIFE SITUATION!

I was hanging out with my friends, and there was this girl who was kinda into me (it was difficult to spot that because of her sarcastic nature). My friends know that I am a recovering porn addict. And we started talking openly about why and what I do, about my refraining from destructive sex and etc.

This girl said it was non-sense, that I should have more sex, that refraining from having sex is utterly stupid.
The evening was continuing... I didn't pay much of an attention to her remarks.

Then, all of us decided to go home and it turned out that she lives in the same street as I do.
So as we were walking, out of a sudden she started flirting with me and offered to watch porn at my place.

The girl wasn't my type, I wasn't horny, and it was not so difficult to make a decision, but when I think about it, 2-3 months ago I would have slept with her, and then regret it afterwards, 1 year ago would have relapsed into porn, and binge watch it., would have felt completely deteriorated.

So what kept me so certain, that I wouldn't sleep with her and wouldn't watch PORN for god sake!

A few days ago I read lessons 54 - 55 -56 -57 and in one of my envisioning of future situations, there was the exact situation that I've just described. A woman offering me to watch PORN together. Emphasis on porn, because that is a great indicator of what type of girl I bumped into.

Where to improve: extracted options, but didn't think much about the consequences that would follow each option.

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2017 7:58 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
58 - Constructing Reactive Action Plans for the upcoming 2 years.

Ritual Nr 1 - Googling images; Searching for Wikipedia articles about sex; searching for any type of sexual material, literature (could be as innocent as tantrum sex, but still triggering).

1. Stop! After 1 year or so of my sobriety, there might be a reduction in my awareness. By knowing that I might be less aware, I will quickly stand up, clap my hands if needed, might even have to leave the house, breath fresh air and think about why I decided to quit porn in the first place, why it made me inhumane and do I want to be a non-human being once again! I will think about a short term and long term principle.

2. Identify the emotion that triggered the thought to watch/fantasize or etc.

3. I will refer to my values. Where do I need to improve, what can I do today to improve my reaching of the goals? Do I have enough goals in my life? How can I move from this stalemate position?

4. BE PROUD THAT YOU ARE NOT THE MAN WHO WATCHES IMAGES OF NAKED WOMEN! Be happy about it! DON'T GIVE WAY TO DOUBTING. If you doubt it means your life VISION, YOUR lifestyle is suffering.

Ritual Nr 2 It has been a month; 2 months; 3 months since I had sex, thoughts like: "it's logical for a man to have sex right now, as fast as he can. Slipping back to porn, seeking for easy girls or even prostitutes.

1. Stop! Don't. Very horny! - Meditate; the time will come when you have an intimate act, don't rush into destructive and risky behaviours. Emotions come and pass.

2. Refering to my values.

3. I am happy to sustain my values, to be a man who doesn't watch porn or seek instant gratification. No STD! No worrying, not addicted to a vagina or porn, not desperately searching for love, sticking to my values.

Ritual Nr 3

I successfully refrain from rituals nr 1 and 2, but here we go! A woman offers me to watch porn together. My girlfriend might offer me to watch porn or erotic film!

1. My thoughts might be like: "As I am not alone I think it's not bad! Anyways I'm gonna have sex with her and will not masturbate to porn" Wrong! In the perspective of 2 years especially, you will most likely renew your porn pathways in the brain, maybe not after the first watching, but after a few. There have been a few occasions where after doing this, I would come back to watching porn/erotica after I had slept with a woman. Porn triggers strong emotions, promiscuity and so many other things that most likely lead to abandoning my values.

2. Explain to your girlfriend that you value her more than you value watching naked people on the screen.
3. You might be thinking: ok it's only for educational purposes. Think about how your brain will react to a stimulus of people having sex on the screen. It is not in harmony with your values.
4. Yes! you can experiment, you can learn new things in bed, but porn is not the way to do it!

Ritual Nr 4.

You know the girl is paying attention to you and chances of sleeping with her are 90%, but you know that she has a boyfriend.

1. Empathy. Even if your relationship isn't working, would you like your girlfriend to be having an affair?
2. Porn that included infidelity triggered this in the past. It might seem as a normal behaviour, as you are horny or whatever reason.
3. Remember your values! How would you feel after sleeping with a woman, who has a boyfriend, a husband. The consequences! You might get into a serious trouble! If you don't respect other people's values, you don't respect your values as well, at least in my humble opinion.

Ritual Nr 5.

Alcohol is not acceptable! Alcohol leads to pornography! Alcohol leads to abandoning your values! You cannot make the right decisions if you abandon your values!

A girl offers me to drink, with her. I know it will most likely lead to having sex as she is flirtatious. And it is very tempting, as well, it seems like it can be a lot of fun.

1. I might be thinking, damn it it is just for one night, then I will come back to my previous route, what is wrong with just a little bit of fun this night!?

2. By refusing drinking, I follow my values! I should be happy because, I don't relapse into porn! Porn leads to terrible things, alcohol leads to terrible things! You should be happy that you're sticking to your inner values.

3. Just think of what ugly mornings you had after binge drinking, after sleeping with women you barely know... ehhh... you didn't even enjoy sex, because it wasn't porn-like.


Eventually, the freshness will begin to stale. Because the desire to change will no longer be as strong (e.g. the immediacy will have been lost), this will often translate into the mistaken belief that your motivation to recover has been lost. Or, that you have 'topped out' — you've come as far as you are able/did the best that you could, but can go no further. What happens when you hit this wall? Complacency sets in. And because it usually does so early in the transition process (first three to six months), the skills you have been developing have never matured into functional life skills. And so, as the stress in your life begins to the complacency continues to will lack the ability to effectively manage that stress and will naturally return to the one life management skill that you have mastered: immediate emotional gratification via some compulsive act.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 5:13 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
Yes! It is what it is! Addiction isn't a joke. Staying truthful to oneself wasn't even enough to conquer my inner thought processes, but it also helped me to evolve! This lesson focuses on evolving. Soon it's going to be 3 years of trying (yes, that's the right word to use: TRYING) Trying this and trying that, my thoughts evolved like this without Recovery Nation:

1. Ok, I might switch to pictures. Didn't work well, as pictures lead to porn.
2. OK, I will try 30 days challenge. Actions taken seemed viable.
3. OK, will try 90 days, cause I am stuck in a recovery circle 30 days - relapse 28 relapse 30 relapse 17 relapse 35 relapse 38 relapse. Hopeless, felt suicidal, didn't know how to escape this slavery.
4. Reached 98 days, but haven't learned anything useful that would help me to tame my urges (I wasn't even really aware of what an urge is, I SERIOUSLY HAD NO IDEA OF WHAT IS AN URGE, sex is sex, masturbation is masturbation, you want something you do, what is an URGE, what is a CRAVING?
5. Tried transitioning to real women. It got nasty here, cause I was still a porn addict deep inside.
6. After a few one night stands, I felt completely empty, I cried, I was very aware that this promiscuity is not ok, but at the same time there was this part of me always convincing me, that, well it is ok, just one time, you abstained from porn for so long, you can do it, you deserve it.
7. The last woman really changed my perspective, as I understood one think, that I kinda knew already, but didn't really believe: I always wanted to feel happy and fulfilled, and how I treated myself is a terrible thing, I thought that those scenes those women I have seen on the screen, I have to find similar women in reality, and I have to do the same thing in reality, I will reach this state where I successfully do it and that's it my life, my existence will be successful, I will reach the nirvana so to say. Nothing else after the sexual act was seen (no future).

With Recovery Nation

1. Addiction seemed to be still ingrained deeply in my identity.
2. Values, I wrote them and it was a difficult task. I didn't see the whole picture. Now I feel that these values, action plans will have to be improved, followed and NEVER abandoned, more goals will have to be added as the time passes. Extra mile will have to be taken. No euphoria, no addiction to recovery, no hyper spirituality, only the truth and dealing with a childhood trauma can really save me from compulsive patterns coming back again.
3. Prior to recovery nation I was writing a journal. It was chaotic, not so systematic as this workshop. It focused more on a present situation and the past. What can I learn form the past... but the lessons would be never ending. Now the future is emerging into my life, and it is not going to be very easy to hold onto this too, but it has put me into a lot more different perspective.

59 - Evolving Reactive Action Plans

1. Thoughts to watch images on the Net, send "dirty images" to a woman, browse through erotica on Wikipedia and etc. Action Plan #1: I come back to my values, is it for you more important to do this stuff than to keep working on your life goals? Building your dreams, staying in peace with your mind, being a true man, a real son, a real grandson, a real father, a real boyfriend a real husband and etc? Is it really worth compromising all this? Building addiction castle once again from the foundation (you started by magazines you found at home, then internet images, then porn.....
1.2 Emotions that I will have to deal with after I stop the ritual: Boredom, Loneliness.
Thoughts that might follow: I m a lonely man I can do this, I am single, I can do it (While actually I am messing myself up, leading myself to addiction, empowering addictive pathways again.
1.3 If I am still not out of my room, not talking with people, basically just waiting for the relapse to happen, I have to clap my hands, clap my hands, stand up, continue clapping and walk my way out of the room while still clapping, another step is putting on jeans, shoes and the coat, taking the keys, my phone and my wallet (6 crucial elements) then I leave the house, and walk and walk, talking to someone on the phone, damn it in the cafe writing something if everyone is busy, remembering my values... This usually helps to ease my mind and come to my senses.
1.4. Discuss what happened with your friends. When you come back home write your friends. Don't forget that lifestyle is an important part of beating your addiction. Add new things to your life!
2. looking at an image. Action Plan #2: Ok, so you abandoned your values, Accept that most likely you are super horny, and you need to do something right away. Goals and plans might wait, your thought might be like this, but time is limited! Go for a walk, think about a new goal, call you friends, call your grandfather, call your aunt, call the speaking clock, do whatever, but never come back to an addiction. Go to a shop, you will not have a laptop there, you won't be able to masturbate, go and talk to a lonely person!
3. Edging or fantasizing with an erection already in place. Fantasy or your values. Fantasy was the beginning of your addiction once. This addiction stems form your childhood. Only real woman, fantasy and masturbation that leads is for the weak. Be a man. Fantasy is for the weak.
3.1 look at 1.3 you have to clap your way out of the place you are in this particular situation it is probably a bathroom.
4. Edging, masturbating without an orgasm and becoming aware of this. Stop! damn it take a cold shower, this will help with a horniness. Remember the aftermath of an orgasm like this. What a terrible feeling to experience! 1.3 as well.
5. Wouldn't want to reach this level ever again, but let us just say, edging led me to masturbation and an orgasm (fantasy was used, or even worse porn... but actually both are equally damaging as from my experience). The following days seemed terrible, hopelessness, guilt, shame, not knowing what to do with the days, just counting the days, waiting for day 30 to feel the first benefits of abstaining (before RN) I had one relapse while doing RN workshop (masturbated to erotic fantasies straight after watching an erotic film that one girl recommended, and I also had thoughts of sleeping with that woman.) This relapse also seemed terrible. The other day I was quite empty inside, but not so empty as before joining Recovery Nation, because I knew, I was missing something, missing some information still, that I can obtain and use to beat my addiction, and in general, that I have progressed so much so that it is no use in giving up, one of my values are that I try and try, that life is a journey. And I always believe that this is going to be the last relapse! I have learned enough! Oh, how I am wrong when the time passes, and even now I know that what I have learned from this workshop is a huge step, a huge foundation, but it is still not a 100% relapse-free guarantee, thus let us see:

Emotions after: Regret, shame, guilt. Feeling of relief at the same time, because of the libido drop. Emotions that are mixed and causing a lot of cognitive dissonance.

Thoughts that didn't even appear on the last relapse, probably because I was doing RN, but the time will pass, situation will change, and I will have to be aware of the thoughts that might have the power to trick me into binge watching porn and over masturbation: Thoughts like ok you abandoned your values, you will come to them, after you watch this one image once again!

No! Clap your hands, strategy 1.3, get outside your house go the gym, your lifestyle is being at risk, reread your values, add some goals, reread Recovery Nation. Never binge or even better - never Relapse.

PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:40 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
60 - Preventing slips/relapse

When do I struggle?

1. It is difficult for me to manage my life/urges when I haven't planned my days/weeks (especially the weekends).
2. When I feel lonely, but I don't do anything to change the state of loneliness.
3. When I feel horny as hell, but I don't meditate, don't take any actions to relieve the sexual pressure.
4. When my eating and sleeping pattern is disturbed.

What might happen in my life that may cause major imbalance.

1. Death of a relative.
2. A break up with my gf or wf.
3. Financial crisis.
4. Losing a job, having a difficulty in getting a job.
5. Changing a living place.
6. Marriage.
7. Mortgage.
8. Having kids.

What am I going to do when imbalance might trigger compulsive behaviors?

1. Dissociate myself from the negative emotions and feelings that I experience;
2. Accept the temporary nature of everything on this existence (events, emotions, feelings).
3. Create an action plan for the upcoming events that might cause triggers.
4. In case of an urge, plan my 3 days ahead meticulously.

Lesson 63. Planning a week

So far, I have come to a point where planning one day seems to be not enough, most of the days are balanced with regular eating times, sleeping, waking up patterns, cold showers, kindness, patience etc. Actions are supported by most of my values. Nevertheless, I still struggle with prioritizing some things, and in general, everything sometimes seems to be too much! So many tasks to juggle, there's where I started working on my weeks rather than days. More days, more prioritizing, it is easier to follow the week than the day. What is more, I try not to judge myself harshly if I don't succeed somewhere, or I waste more time on one activity but never even start the other ones. Planning one week seems more logical to me. It is so easy to fail a day (bad mood, unexpected changes in a work schedule etc.), but is so hard to fail a week, where you prioritize things, dedicate some days for only 1 or 2 specific areas of your life.

Lesson 64 - Transitioning to Health

1. What skills do you feel you have worked hard to develop?

Meditation. Being religious, more balanced spiritually. I was a complete nihilist at some points in my life, sometimes considered myself an agnostic, well, never deeply thinking about uniqueness of things (bad and good) happening in this world . Now, I am into Buddhism, nothing too radical, just to calm my mind, to be more grateful, to understand myself better, to understand my emotions and etc. While in this workshop, I meditated with Theravada Buddhists from Asian countries, read books on Buddhism and I am still doing this and will probably continue doing this for the rest of my life. I am not addicted to religion, I didn't develop a dependency on religion in terms of relapse prevention.

Doing new things every day or at least every week. E.g. yesterday I tried Ebru (the Turkish art of marbling), it was for free. I don't have to spend a fortune on trying new things out :)

Forming morning rituals.

Being truthful.

Managing difficult life situations. There is no longer a need to get back to any addiction, be it food or computer games...

Forming personal boundaries, expressing my disapproval and etc.

2. What skills need additional work?

Financial Independence and problem solving


I am well organized (planning my days/weeks/months in advance) I stay focused on one task (I don't get distracted so easily).


3. Explore your attitude in regards to whether or not 'addiction' is a part of you; or merely a pattern that developed in your life.

Addiction is definitely a pattern that developed in my life, and thus it needs to be stopped. Addiction stems from my childhood. I am still attending ACOA meetings. This helps me as well. I realized that without getting into the core of the problem (what caused an addiction) it would be impossible to stop it :)

4. Explore your awareness as to the role that your compulsive rituals played...and what it would mean should they return. Explore how you would respond? Explore your confidence level in that response.

Compulsive rituals were cause by certain underlying emotions (anger, boredom, guilt etc.) and bad lifestyle in general. Should those rituals return, I would start thinking about my reality and a level of awareness that I have at a certain point of my life. Where am I in this life? Am I happy? What are my values? If I do this will I really be happy? Is this true happiness?
The level of confidence in my opinion would depend on the situation and my mental state. But, if I stick to my values, I think I won't deter from the right path. and what is the right path for me. I SHOULD KNOW THIS! IT IS ONLY ME WHO KNOWS WHAT I WANT FROM THIS LIFE. DECIDE and take responsibility for your actions.

5. Explore your overall balance and much of your life is spent 'fighting urges, managing urges, acting out, engaging in recovery activities, etc.' versus how much of your life is spent just living.

I am definitely not addicted to the RN recovery program, like I was addicted to noFap. I am actually living a life. I am planning, I know that tomorrow might be difficult, that after 2 months I might experience this and that. If I want I travel, if I don't want I just stay at home and read a book. I don't have to fight urges every single day. Urges are very low actually, but I know that I have to stay vigilant :)

6. Assess your identity for hyper-sexuality. How prevalent is it?

At the moment I don't feel hyper-sexual, but I know that there was this part in me, mainly caused by porn addiction, and that it might be activated (having a girlfriend and using her for sex, that is distructive). Do I want a girlfriend who would send me links to porn? - NO Do I want a girlfriend who would want to have passionate and intimate sex that would bond us even more? YES

PostPosted: Sun Dec 17, 2017 5:36 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
Lesson 65 - Life After Addiction

Step 1 Envision your "life after addiction/life after recovery".
Step 2 Compare it to the vision that you began back in Lesson Two of the workshop.
Step 3 They should be nearly identical. Are they?

They are identical. Nevertheless, there are some more things that I will add into the vision, even after finishing this workshop as this is a continuing process throughout the whole life.

PostPosted: Mon Dec 18, 2017 5:31 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
Lesson 66 - Recovery triggers vs Relapse triggers

66 Exercise:
a) Consider your perspective towards potential triggers when you were in early recovery. Consider your perspective now. How has this changed?

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
― Wayne W. Dyer

Early recovery 2015/2016, before Recovery Nation: Alcohol is pleasure, porn is pleasure, but I have to stop them somehow, because they are destroying my life. I have to fight the urges. Abstinence will grant me a permanent change.

Early recvery 2017, with Recovery Nation. I will have to work hard to quit porn. Values, vision, decisions damn this is complicated, I will have to somehow do this workshop and try to avoid triggers.

Now: Christmas party was very good for me, there were people around me drinking alcohol, but I wasn't confused, I associate alcohol with pain. I respect my colleagues' choice to drink a glass of wine or two, and they respect my choice not to drink anything too; and we had a great time :) 6 months ago my perception towards alcohol was still ambiguous. It was pain, but sometimes it was pleasure. Now it is very clear for me what alcohol is for me. It leads me to pornography; it leads me to destructiveness and etc.

The other day, the girl I refused to watch porn with send me a porn picture?! I don't even have her on fb, but she found me and sent it to me. At that time I hadn't read lessons 63-66, but I already had something in me that just simply said: meh, just a porn pic, I am not interested in abandoning my values, I am ok with not watching these for the rest of my life, my life is my life, addiction is a slavery, but most importantly I thought, well, the situations with this girl is teaching me a lot and I am developing my life management skills + decision making based on values as well. I felt really great after deleting that picture. I wrote that woman, that I appreciate her interest in me, but nothing is going to happen between us 100%. I believe she might try this trick once again, maybe not, doesn't really matter, my perception to these distractions in life (alcohol and porn) has been changed for the better, and I will do my best to keep moving forward. I am a constant learner.

b) List five potential triggers for you — that may lead you into a compulsive crisis. How can you shift your perspective of each so that they are not only NOT a threat to your values, but you can actually use these triggers to strengthen those values?

1. Getting alcohol as gift.
1.1. I accept the gift (politeness) I accept the fact that society uses alcohol as a way of relaxation.
1.2. I think what alcohol means to me. And it means different thing from how others perceive it. It means lost time, it means getting back to porn, it means leading nonspiritual and uninspired life, but let us be more positive, what it means for me to not open the bottle that I was given as a gift. It means I gain time, it means I have more time for my girlfriend/wife, I am more motivated in this life. I am more spiritual. These are positive aspects, so i better thing about positive perception of things.

2. A woman who herself has a boyfriend offers me to have an affair.
2.1. OK, she offered me this. Let us see what happens if I stick to my values and refuse: I wake up next day with a sense of pride (cheating didn't happen), no need to be worrying whether somebody might find it out (pride). I develop a skill of following my true identity.

3. Someone hands in a porn magazine. I am quite happy with my life, some goals achieved, so I test the waters. You know, it's just a magazine. I end up compulsively flicking through the pages of the magazine. My mind gets back to desires. Next day I buy another magazine. I start thinking about coming back to porn, but I decide to just stick to the magazines. Damn! I realize that sooner or later I am going to end up watching porn, and that I already associate porn magazines with pleasure.

3.1 I decide to search for reasons to change my view. I know that I have gone through so many rituals already, that I need to decipher where I lost my values and how to STRENGTHEN them. Abandoned values can be restored. I accept that browsing through this magazine (no orgasm) is a slip off, that something is not right with my values or my lifestyle. The magazine is still there, it is still available. But, do I really want to open it, is it really important, NO! It is just a magazine for men who have forgotten what things are more important for them.

3.2 I throw away the magazine with a sense of pride. I am a man who is real, who doesn't look at naked women from magazines. I am not wasting life force on a freaking magazine. Yap! Magazine in exchange for life force!

4. Boredom
4.1. Imagine living in a small town. You are bored, a girl that likes you, but you are like 40% into her invites you to her place. Your thoughts are: heh, whatever, I am bored, I am going to do this just to have some fun. I stop, and I realize, wow, my life is really boring, the change has to come. I decline the offer (even if I have accepted it and even if I am standing in front of her house) I stop the ritual and I feel FREE, I come home and I make a list of new goals and things that I have to change in my life. I start changing my convictions, for instance that I am too old to change my living place. I am going to meet new people in a new town, city!

5. Sexy woman who has a husband kisses me passionately, then she invite me to her place.
5.1 You think about the positive things. You stopped the ritual, you gonna have to deal with the emotions of regret! yes regret, but this emotions will be short lived as you will experience a sense of pride of not having to deal with destructive nature of our reality when infidelity is involved, when you get addicted to your desires. You save your face.

PostPosted: Mon Dec 25, 2017 3:01 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
Lesson 67 - Poly-Addictions & Switching

While working on this workshop I was well aware of my other addictions like alcohol, gambling or over-eating.

I am still attending ACOA meetings. In them I learned a very important lesson.

You can attend meetings, you can try and try changing your habits, getting rid of addictions, forming new habits, forming new lifestyle, but if you don't deal with the core things (be it childhood trauma or a major life transition while being an adult) that caused your addictions, you will not reach a healthy life, it will only be an imitation, just another mask. Cognitive dissonance won't be solve and you will still lead quite unhappy life with no stability.

I am monitoring my values, my possible slip offs, but at the same time I am monitoring what caused my addictions.

Lesson 68 - Anger Management and Addiction Recovery

a) Map out your own anger rituals in the same way you did your sexual rituals long ago. Look for patterns in relating to your partner, coworkers, friends, yourself...where anger is triggered and you find it difficult to disengage from that anger.

1. Thoughts about sex, desires, urges.
2. Sexual frustration.
3. Talking more aggressively. The use of sarcasm.
4. Breaking things.

b) Can you identify the elements of these rituals where you actively intensify the stimulation that is experienced?

sexual thoughts, desire, expectations that I BELIEVE can be met.

c) Do you think that 'creating a break' upon the awareness of these anger rituals will allow you to slow the situation enough to allow your values to take over? Why or why not?

Yes. A break helps a lot. Sexual frustration can be easily exchanged to being horny and being horny to meditation, easing your mind.

Lesson 71 - Permanent Recovery = Ongoing Awareness

Once you have learned how to manage urges, how to make decisions, how to recognize boundaries, how to utilize your must develop the ability to recognize when these tools should be used.
Develop an ongoing awareness of how you are managing your life and you will never have to fear addiction again


The final aspect to Health Monitoring is to gradually decrease your Weekly Monitoring to Monthly.

Weekly monitoring should take place a minimum of six months post-addiction. How do you know if you are 'post-addiction'? Well, if you monitor yourself for several months and have had little to no problems on the addiction/recovery side of things...and have been focusing primarily on developing the healthy aspects of your life...then consider yourself 'post-addiction'.

Once you have achieved this weekly monitoring for six months post-addiction, consider expanding your monitoring to once every two weeks for six months. Then to once a month for several years. The more natural your monitoring becomes, the more complete will be your transition. However, beware. The longer you go between monitoring sessions, the greater the potential for complacency to set in.

Another consideration in 'fine tuning' your Monthly Monitoring is to generalize the content of your assessment. For example, when I first began health monitoring at the monthly stage, my assessment was fairly long. Each month, I would sit down with myself (and later in my life, with Christy) and go over several pages of areas that I wanted to keep an eye on. As the years passed, my monthly monitoring was eventually generalized to include three main areas of assessment:

1) My overall emotional balance

2) Where I was deriving the majority of my stimulation

3) Where I was draining the majority of my energy

These three questions would then trigger any of the follow-up questions and/or action plans that I needed to engage in. I'm not suggesting that you use those same questions...eventually, you will need to determine how best to assess yourself.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 4:50 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76

III. For the first six months, review your life/this list weekly, adding to it as appropriate. Ensure that you engage in an honest, objective review. (Till June 30th)
January 4 sits
February 4 sits
March 4 sits
April 4 sits
May 4 sits
June 4 sits
IV. For the following six months, review your life/this list on a monthly basis. (Till 2019.01.01)
July 1 sit
August 1 sit
September 1 sit
October 1 sit
November 1 sit
December 1 sit
V. Continue to adjust the time between your reviews accordingly, but always schedule a review at least once a quarter.

2019 at least 4 sits
2020 at least 4 sits
2021 etc.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 9:07 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 76
take your time with the lessons learn from them and integrate what you learn into your daily life your very core


So far so good. I have just written a plan for the upcoming week. I literally opened RN forum, opened my life's vision and my values and according to what is written I planned my next week. It is in a form of a spreadsheet. It contains GOALS, PRIORITIES, APPOINTMENTS, REWARDS. Every day focuses on a specific value or aspect of my life's vision. This helps me to keep focus on good things in life and maintain a positive attitude. I monitor my emotions and feelings, I enjoy that. I try to be consistent, and quite successfully I am. I detect from my emotions what I don't like in a current situation and I take action.

Do I still feel urges? YES

Do I act upon them? Definitely NOT!

Have I changed the way I perceive triggers? YES! And believe me, yes, as it is outlined in this healing program, They are everywhere, advertisements, commercials, music clips, magazines etc. you name it.

So have the triggers lost the power completely? I think it would be a bit stupid to believe that I am completely healed, actually very stupid, there are and there will be times in my life where my life management skills might fall apart (partly or fully) and my stoical approach might not even work (after 10, 20 years, who knows). Nevertheless at this very moment I feel way better than I felt a year ago. You always can get up and move forward, no matter what, regrets, shame... it is way easier to deal with the urges when you have dealt directly with the mentioned feelings and your childhood traumas. Way easier!

Do I make more decisions in my life? YES! e.g. I'm moving to another place to live. Changing my diet. Reading different books, spending my free time differently, trying new things out and etc.

Do I ask myself more questions? YES! And I think this is very important, to continue asking oneself more questions, as your life management skills were abandoned, I didn't know where exactly I was in my life, but now it is becoming clearer and clearer.

Is there still a lot of work to do? YES! I believe in setting goals after you reach certain ones.

Do I sometimes feel sad or bored, anxious, angry? YES! I accept these feelings more naturally. I don't dwell on them :) I know these feelings are temporary.

Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 78 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Tim_Recovery and 8 guests

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group