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PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2019 8:48 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 25

I feel like I already did this in lesson 24. But anyway, here is another ritual

  • I try to have sex with my partner in the evening (I am excited and happy)
  • My partner signals that she is not in the mood (I become angry and disappointed)
  • I try to sleep but keep thinking about sex (this is stressful)
  • I tell myself that it is not my fault and that I can masturbate in the morning when I am alone (it comforts me and I look forward to the morning)
  • I sleep
  • I wake up and wait in bed till my partner leaves for work (I get impatient and feel stressed)
  • My partner leaves (I get relieved)
  • I check my phone for messages and go to the toilet (I get excited)
  • I return to bed with my phone and get comfortable (I feel relaxed and happy)
  • I feel guilty that I want to look at porn and masturbate
  • I think to myself that I am allowed to look at porn and masturbate since my partner did not want to have sex last night (I feel a little better)
  • I look for good and new porn videos (I feel excited and get a rush)
  • I masturbate and orgasm
  • I clean up and clear my browser history
  • I get ready for work and feel regret


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 07, 2019 2:14 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 26

Again, I feel like I already did this in lesson 24 & 25. Here is another ritual:

  • Waiting for a stressful event which will take place in a couple of hours/minutes (feeling nervous)
  • Having nothing to do and wanting time to speed up (being impatient of waiting, boredom)
  • Feeling an urge to distract myself from nervousness
  • Starting to play with phone and browsing the internet (distraction from nervousness)
  • Realizing that I am doing something I do not want to do (feeling kind of guilty)
  • Cannot stop since stopping would mean experiencing a lot of strong unpleasant emotions (nervousness, guilt)
  • Finding something arousing (a woman in a video, a 'news' story) (getting excited)
  • Feeling an urge to look at porn (huge inner conflict)
  • Opening porn sites (feeling guilty)
  • Giving in to urge (feeling kind of relieved)
  • Looking at porn (feeling happy and excited)
  • Looking for a good video (getting more excited)
  • Finally finding a good video (accomplishment)
  • Masturbating and orgasm (accomplishment, feeling good)
  • Cleaning up and clearing browser history (feeling guilty and ashamed, nervous feeling about event returns)


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 08, 2019 11:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 27

Compulsive Chain (back-to-back)

  • Being alone in the flat for the weekend (feeling pressure to do something meaningful)
  • Feeling the urge to act out
  • Starting the computer or playing with smartphone out of habit (already feeling guilt or shame)
  • Starting to search something interesting on the internet (youtube, google,...) (feeling better if something nice is found)
  • Realizing that I already wasted a lot of time (guilt and shame increases)
  • Trying to stop watching youtube videos but failing (even more guilt and shame)
  • Actively deciding not to do something differently than browsing on the internet for the next hour or so (huge relieve of pressure)
  • Getting bored by usual internet content (feeling disappointed)
  • Feeling the urge to watch porn (feeling guilt)
  • Thinking about what new interesting videos I would find on porn sites (getting euphoric)
  • Going to porn site (feeling quite calm and happy)
  • Get inspired by recommended videos (getting curious)
  • Starting to look for the perfect video (getting excited)
  • Finding an good video to masturbate to (accomplishment)
  • Masturbating and orgasm (accomplishment)
  • Erasing browser history (guilt and accomplishment that there is no prove)
  • End of ritual 1
  • Returning to youtube in the hopes of finding something funny/interesting to feel better
  • Having trouble leaving the computer (feeling helpless and disappointed)
  • The first ritual basically starts again
  • ...
The compulsive chain is only stopped by an external event (a phone call, time, someone at the door)

Compulsive Chain (simultaneously)

I cannot really think of a ritual where I combined two compulsive rituals at the same time.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:52 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 28

Most recent compulsive chain

I have to admit that I do not remember what exactly happened the last weeks before my recovery started. But I think it was something like this:

  • Being alone at home on Saturday (feeling pressure to do something meaningful)
  • Feeling the urge to watch youtube videos with my smartphone
  • Trying to be productive at the desk
  • Urge increases and I cannot concentrate (feeling desperate)
  • Taking a short break and starting to listen to music (getting distracted from the pressure)
  • Liking a song and wondering what the band looks live (urge to watch youtube video returns)
  • Actually starting youtube to watch the band perform live (feeling happy)
  • Realizing that addiction won (feeling helpless, powerless, disappointed)
  • Trying to put phone away
  • Seeing an 'interesting' recommended video (getting excited)
  • Watching that video (feeling quite relaxed/good)
  • Actually staying on youtube for a while (feeling relaxed/happy)
  • Watching a video about sex/porn or seeing a beautiful woman on youtube (getting excited)
  • Feeling the urge to watch porn and masturbate (getting excited)
  • Opening a porn site to see the new and recommended videos (getting a rush)
  • Watching a lot of videos without masturbating (feeling extremely good)
  • Jumping from porn site to porn site to get new stimulation (feeling excited, forgetting everything else)
  • Finding a great video (accomplishment)
  • Starting to masturbate (feeling good)
  • Still changing the video from time to time to find something even better (feeling determined)
  • Reaching orgasm (very good feeling in that moment, accomplishment)
  • Stopping video and cleaning up (feeling disgusted by my behavior and the videos I watched)
  • Clearing browser history (feeling regret, ashamed, guilty)
  • End of ritual 1
  • Returning to youtube to feel better
  • Watching some random videos (getting distracted from bad feelings)
  • Thinking about masturbating again
  • Trying to get in the mood by specifically looking for youtube videos that would excited me sexually
  • Finally getting triggered to return to porn sites (accomplishment)
  • Looking for a great video
  • Feeling determined to orgasm a second time
  • Finding a good video (accomplishment)
  • Starting to masturbate
  • Reaching orgasm (feeling good, much bigger accomplishment than the last orgasm)
  • Stopping the video, cleaning up (feeling ashamed of myself)
  • Thinking that something is seriously wrong with myself (feeling sad, guilty)
  • Clearing browser history (feeling numb)
  • End of ritual 2
  • Returning to youtube to get some kind of emotional stimulation
  • everything from above happens again and again and again until I am too tired and go to bed

Elements that would increase the stimulation

  • Adding sex toys to the masturbation (trying something new, better stimulation)
  • Using lube to masturbate (increase stimulation)
  • Changing the place from the desk/couch to the bed to be more comfortable
  • Using headphones to increase intensity of the stimulation from the sound


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2019 3:15 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 29

The task was easier than expected. After a few moments I could connect to my emotions and it was an interesting experience.

Experienced emotions

  1. Thinking of something terrible I have done: feeling sorry, having a very bad feeling, feeling sad and disappointed in myself, feeling guilty, feeling ashamed, feeling regretful
  2. Thinking of a very nice day I had while on vacation: feeling relaxed, balanced, calm and happy
  3. Thinking of something funny: feeling delighted, starting to smile, feeling very happy
  4. Thinking of showing my nephew something interesting and seeing him smile: feeling very happy
  5. Thinking of acting out: having a bad feeling, feeling disgusted, feeling stressed, wanting to leave the situation
  6. Letting my thoughts wander: feeling relaxed and calm

Extremes of anxiety
  1. Least anxious state: Being alone at home, not knowing that I have an addiction and watching porn/masturbation without feeling guilty.
  2. Most extreme anxious state: Having to give a talk in front of a lot of unknown people who have more experience than me and being not perfectly prepared.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2019 2:46 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 31

Stressors of the past week

  • Facing exam on Saturday: extreme/moderate
  • Facing a business trip to a completely different Country: extreme/moderate
  • Relatives bringing a dog without my permission into my apartment: extreme
  • A close relative moving away: mild
  • Being alone in the office and tempted to waste time: mild
  • Having no time to call family: mild
  • Feeling of getting a cold: moderate
  • Having no energy and time to do sports: mild

Source of stress
I think most of my energy is 'drained' due to me pursuing my values.

Source of positive stimulation
All of my days are quite fulfilling recently and all the positive stimulation comes from my pursuit of my values.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:50 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2019 10:26 pm
Posts: 38
I just wanted to drop by an offer emotional support. I am doing the course here as well. I think we're in the same age group/life stage. Keep working on things! I see change in my life and I hope you see change in yours.

I also want to offer up - a lot of what you write sounds similar to me. I struggle with ADHD and it was recently diagnosed. It may be something you want to look into.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 18, 2019 2:55 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Lasting change posted
Quote:
I just wanted to drop by an offer emotional support.

That is great and we all at some point wish to drop bye and >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> etc

however this is opposed to the site rules, perhaps with a view to keep self recovery as the focus and to restrict the temptation for For sure no harm done
but please do re read the rules for posting into these forums and refrain from this practice

see coach Sue's post at viewtopic.php?f=13&t=23183

thanks

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2019 3:42 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Last week I had a business trip and, therefore, did not continue with the lessons. Now, I am back.

Lesson 32

I want to be focused in my studies and use this chance to really learn something
The proposed plan was really helpful and turned out to be very practical and useful. It helped me to develop this value and an update is not needed at this point.
  • try spending at least 60 min. per day to study
  • don't expect to have the time every day
  • take short breaks after 45 min.
  • communicate to partner when I need time to study
  • do not listen to music while studying
  • turn on the computer only when needed
  • expect some topics to be boring and not extremely interesting

I want to spend my free time pursuing my hobbies (programming, reading, cycling,...) and not wasting my time on the internet
The lists help to stay focused and see my options for the day. I did not have many opportunities where this plan came into play.
  • when alone at the weekend make a plan in the morning on how to spend the time
  • when bored take a look at a prepared list with things I actually like doing instead of going on the internet
  • expect to have not a lot of time for minor hobbies

I want to finish what I started
This plan was again really helpful and no update is needed at this point.
  • have a clear motivation
  • make a clear plan in advance
  • split big projects into smaller ones
  • set realistic and well defined goals
  • expect small setbacks from time to time

I want to be a good family member by staying in contact with my family and giving support when necessary
This plan needs to be updated. It was not very practical. But the ideas were ok.
  • inform family members before important events to let the take part in my life
  • call/see parents at least once per month
  • call/see grandma at least once per month
  • call/see brother at least once every two months
    • expect the conversation to be a little stiff
    • expect him to be busy
    • let him pick a date for the conversations
    • try to visit him when in the area
  • try to connect with nephews by seeing them regularly
  • be present at birthday parties etc.
  • send postcards from vacation
    • write down addresses in advance

I want to be a good partner
In general it was already a good plan. But an update is needed.
  • let her be part of my honest thoughts
  • tell her about my future plans and goals and let her be part of the thought process
  • have quality time with her every day
    • this might be a conversation
    • just laying on the couch
    • sitting in the sun
    • reading together
    • having lunch/dinner together
    • having a short conversation on the phone
  • communicate before trips/events what expectations are
  • take her seriously
  • try to support her achieving her goals without to much pressure
  • be open-minded to try new things she suggests
  • let her decide on what to do from time to time
  • physical intimacy
    • try not to 'just have sex'
    • focus on the moment
    • take time and enjoy the moment
    • do not try to push her into doing something she does not want
    • do not get disappointed/frustrated when she is not in the mood
    • expect her not to be in the mood every time
    • do not use sex/orgasm to just deal with own negative emotions or in a compulsive manner

Leaving the comfort zone from time to time
The list was ok. An update is needed to save myself from too much stress.
  • when an opportunity presents itself:
    • do not say no immediately
    • think about what can be gained from participating (experience, new friends, improve friendships, new professional contacts,...)
  • expect not every opportunity to be great
  • still have the option to say no in stressful times to avoid emotional instability

I want to be patient and understanding with others
This plan is very good. But unfortunately I did not ingrain this value in my life yet. This is very unfortunate. I should focus on this more in the next days. I have no idea how to update this.
  • think before acting
  • try to see things from the viewpoint of the other person
  • understand that not everyone sees things the same way


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2019 4:46 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 32 (continued)

I want to live in a clean apartment
This plan helped a lot and currently needs no update.
  • clean the kitchen table after every meal
  • make the dishes directly after a meal
  • put laundry in closet as soon as it is dry
  • bring out the trash immediately when noticing that it is full
  • expect the apartment to be more untidy when partner is around
  • don't be too critical with partners tidiness

I want to be productive at work by not browsing on the internet unnecessarily
The plan is already quite good. Small updates are needed.
  • be at work before 8:30 am
  • make a list with work-related things I could do when I feel like I have no plan for the next hours
    • expect that not everything on the list will be finished at the end of the day
  • while taking a break look out of the window instead of at the monitor
  • put the mobile phone in the backpack and not on the desk or in the pocket
  • expect to get funny web links from coworkers; do not click on the links, instead tell them that you are busy working

I want to be physically fit (to compete in three cycling events in 2020)
The plan is quite good and practical.
  • when studying: go cycling once a week (Tuesday)
  • when not studying: go cycling 2 to 3 times per week
  • stretch after every workout
  • do strength exercises at least once per week at home
  • expect to have not a lot of time for training multiple times each week
  • have fun during the events and during training


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 28, 2019 2:59 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 33

For the last couple of days I assessed a lot of emotions. I did not post any insight because I misunderstood the lesson. Therefore, I will summarize the insights from the last three days here.

  • The first day I had a lot of extreme emotions that were very stressful and uncomfortable. But after a few moments of enduring the emotions they disappeared and I could relax and move on with life.
  • On the second day I was at work and had a few uncomfortable situations. I was hungry and had to wait for lunch and I was bored a couple of times since I was not sure what to do. These feelings only vanished after I became active to deal with the situation. After lunch I was not hungry anymore and could concentrate. I found a task and was not bored anymore.
  • The third day was quite similar to the second. I had a few 'extreme' uncomfortable emotions but I could get rid of them by dealing with the situation. Afterwards I felt relaxed and I accomplished something.

The main insight I gained over the last few days was that my emotions change throughout the day. Some uncomfortable emotions I just have to endure and they vanish eventually and sometimes I just have to deal with the cause of the bad emotions (hunger, not enough sleep,...).


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 29, 2019 10:15 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 34

Immediate gratification

A
Immediate gratification played a big role in my life. When I was younger I found immediate gratification by playing computer games instead of studying. When I was at the university I watch a lot of youtube videos and porn instead of going out or studying for exams, etc.

One recent example I remember quite well. About have a year ago I had to study for an exam. My partner was not at home so I had a lot of time to focus on the task. However, instead of putting some effort into achieving my goal I started the computer, went online, and watched porn and masturbated. I did all of this knowing the consequences...

B
When I try to not act out I feel very uncomfortable. It is difficult to concentrate on something else in that moment. I cannot rest. My thoughts pace around. In that moment the anxiety is extreme but not the most extreme anxiety I know. Giving public speeches or meeting a strange business partner is much more stressful. After a while the anxiety from not acting out just fades and everything is normal again.

C
When acting out I am very focused on the one thing. I forget about my environment. I concentrate very much on finding the 'perfect' video. Furthermore, I am quite happy in that moment. I do not feel any extreme emotions in that moment.

Note: The more I progress in the workshop the harder it gets to talk about me acting out. I kind of begin to forget what it was like.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2019 1:59 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 131
Hi User1234,

Quote:
The more I progress in the workshop the harder it gets to talk about me acting out. I kind of begin to forget what it was like.


I made a similar comment at some point during my workshop, it is like a transition or rite of passage, on looking back I can see why it is important to remember what these situations were like because it helps so much when someone really wants to change.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2019 2:26 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 70
Lesson 35

Daily monitoring:

"Today, I am going to look for opportunities to be a good and patient colleague." I will place the note on my water bottle which I take to work every morning until Friday.

Weekly agenda

  • Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment?
  • Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?
  • Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means?
  • Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.?

  • Did I focus on my studies to reach my goal?
  • Did I call my parents, grandma or brother?
  • Did I have a productive week at work?


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2019 12:55 pm 
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Posts: 70
Lesson 36

I find this lesson very difficult. I do not really understand what role boundaries play/played in my life. But here I try to complete the lesson. I would be happy if one of the coaches could assist me on this.

I. I do not like having pets of any kind in my apartment. A couple of weeks ago my partners grandma brought her dog to the flat without my approval. I could not stop her (and my partner) from bringing the dog. (This was extremely uncomfortable for me for a couple of days)

II. I do not like having pets of any kind in my apartment. Therefore, I establish the boundary that no pet is allowed to be in my apartment. (But I don't understand how this boundary is going to help me in the future)


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