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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 9:34 am 
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Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
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B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life


1. I want to be honest with myself and know that I am not living a double life.
2. I want to feel teh sense of 'peace' that I used feel when I had nothing incrimnating on my phone - or anywhere else.
3. I want my wife to trust me and KNOW that I put her first
4. I want to feel the way I remember feeling as a pre pubescent child - teh innocence, the wonder, the lack of guilt and shame
5. I want my sons to know the Good man that I know I am - without a dark side
6. I want to have more confidence in myself - that the man I portray on teh poutside is teh man on teh inside
7. I want to be able to sit and read or just do nothing instead of always feeling that I dont have enough time - that I 'should' be doing this or that, working on recovery and other things where I see I am 'not good enough'
8. I want to have more energy for investing in the tings that really matter to me
9. I want to prove to myself that whe you do the work - it works - no matter what 'it ' is
10. I want to get off the rollercoaster and believe that one day I can pass by it - look up and think - wow its exhiliarating but its not for me- I want the cravings to stop and get back in control of my life
11. I want to believe that teh best years of my life are ahead of me instead of behind me

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"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 9:38 am 
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Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Quote:
C. To see your addiction within the scope of your life span


I seem o be kind of removed from my feelings as regards this little boy. I see the photo and may een remmeber the day it was taken. It is true I was innocent . To some degree it reminds me of my own sons - particularly the younger one - they are so innocent and in need of guidance and direction.
I did'nt have much of that groing up and I often beat myself up for not being dad of teh year with my own sons. Beating myself up is another sre fire way of getting me to seek escape in unhealthy sexual behaviours

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 9:43 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 2 - My Vision:


To be walking down the boulevard on a Sunny day, hand in hand with my wife, my best friend. Enjoying the temperature, the smell of the Sea and the fact that I have nothing to hide. I am at peace with myself , I have no pain physical or otherwise, I feel confident that if anything bad were to happen I can handle it. My sons look to me for advice beacause they know that although I dont know everything - my fundamentals are sound - honesty, integrity, generousity, wisdom, fairness.
Life feels good - I wish it felt like that all the time.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 10:33 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Values List


To have Integrity - To act in a way that is with integrity
To be faithful - for my wife and everyone else to know that I am a man of integrity and value faithfullness
To be trustworthy - people know they can trust me
To be reliable - To get things done when I say I will
To have a sense of self respect - to like myself
Invest time with my wife to share and understand and deepen the connection with her
Take time to talk to older son to better understand and support him
Take time to talk with my younger son to listen and understand him
Making time to spend quality time with my extended family
To find and engage in healthy activities and pastimes that interest me
To engage in hobbies that fulfill me such as reading - which has stopped for as long as addiction has been in my life
To keep a positive outlook on life - recognising that it is a better vantage point than a negative one
To invest time in my Health - To live without pain
To get better at tennis - and most importantly better at enjoying it
To laugh more - with my wife my boys and friends - Life/Work seems to make life more dull than it is on the sitcoms!
To maintain ideal weight through healthy nutition
To have professional success - to me that means financial Independence
To be respected by others

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 10:36 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Dark Side Decision making Values


Power
Independence
Secrecy
Accomplishment
Shame
Escape

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 10:50 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 4 Prioritised Values:


To have Integrity - To act in a way that is with integrity
To be faithful - for my wife and everyone else to know that I am a man of integrity and value faithfullness
To work on my recovery - which to me means work on being abetter man - every day
To be trustworthy - people know they can trust me
To be reliable - To get things done when I say I will
To have a sense of self respect - to like myself
Invest time with my wife to share and understand and deepen the connection with her
Take time to talk to older son to better understand and support him
Take time to talk with my younger son to listen and understand him
Making time to spend quality time with my extended family
To find and engage in healthy activities and pastimes that interest me
To engage in hobbies that fulfill me such as reading - which has stopped for as long as addiction has been in my life
To keep a positive outlook on life - recognising that it is a better vantage point than a negative one
To invest time in my Health - To live without pain
To get better at tennis - and most importantly better at enjoying it
To laugh more - with my wife my boys and friends - Life/Work seems to make life more dull than it is on the sitcoms!
To maintain ideal weight through healthy nutition
To have professional success - to me that means financial Independence

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 10:59 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 5 - Refined Values List


To have Integrity - To act in a way that is with integrity
To be faithful - for my wife and everyone else to know that I am a man of integrity and value faithfullness
To work on my recovery - which to me means work on being a better man - every day
To be trustworthy - people know they can trust me, personaly and professionaly
To be reliable - To get things done when I say I will
To have a sense of self respect - to like myself - warts and all
Invest time with my wife to share and understand and deepen the connection with her to grow an strengthen our relationship
Take time to talk to older son to better understand and support him and strengthen our relationship
Take time to talk with my younger son to listen and understand him and strengthen our relationship
Making time to spend quality time with my extended family
To find and engage in healthy activities and pastimes that interest me
To engage in hobbies that fulfill me such as reading - which has stopped for as long as addiction has been in my life
To keep a positive outlook on life - recognising that it is a better vantage point than a negative one
To invest time in my Health - To live without pain
To get better at tennis - and most importantly better at enjoying it
To laugh more - with my wife my boys and friends - Life/Work seems to make life more dull than it is on the sitcoms!
To maintain ideal weight through healthy nutition
To have professional success - to me that means financial Independence

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 12:46 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 6 Exercise:
A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.

Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection. You only need to map out the next few steps in the developmental process of strengthening and/or maintaining this value (if it is already at full strength).


VALUE :
Develop and Keep a positive outlook on all areas of my life:

Pro Active Plan:
    Start each day with an awareness of how my world view has an impact whether positive or negative on
    Write out 5 things that I am grateful for
    Stop and reflect each day on how picturing situations in a positive light is so much better for me than fearing the worst or just having a negative view
    Share how I am feeling with the people most important to me
    Enjoy the sense of being in control of how I view different situations

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2020 2:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Practive Action Plan:
Value - Engaging in Healthy Pursuits - Tennis:


1. Commit to having at least one game booked per week
2. Book at least an hour every weekend to play with my wife or one of the kids - its obviously not as competitive - but its good to spend time engaging in a healthy pursuit together
3. Get another members (of similar standad) number to contact and suggest a game thus expanding my horizons
4. When I have free time that I may have viewed newsfeeds or wasted time screen watching or worse - use that time productively to watch videos aimed at improving my tennis and stoking my interest
5. Enter the club competitions when they begin again
6. Recognise my limits and play within them focusing on enjoying it as much as winning

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2020 2:55 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Procative Action Plan
Building Finacial Freedom:


1. Assess earnings x last 2 years to determine where the income came from and create a plan for 2021 to follow to maximise earnings potential
2. Assess expenditure - what am I wasting our money on?
3. Calculate how much I earn per hour at work
4. Calculate my yearly/Monthly/daily expenditure/budget
5. Calculate how I can increase income with little effort
6. Calculate how much I need to retire and fix a plan in place to aim for

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Dec 22, 2020 5:23 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Lesson 7 Action Plans for Top Priority Values:

Reading teh below was insightful
Quote:
but do recognize that you will need to take full responsibility for evolving these tools long after the workshop has been completed. Far too many people abandon this tool because they can 'do it in their head'. And yes, when your life is going well, you likely can manage such things in your head. Value-building should become a quite natural process in your life. But make no mistake, when life isn't going so well...when your thoughts/emotions begin to fall out of balance...your ability to manage your values efficiently will be compromised. And without this system ingrained, you will be vulnerable to the 'shortcuts' that feed addiction.


That was written by Coach Jon pertaining to this lesson and it desribes perfectly what has consistently happened to me over the years - I see the shoots of recovery and then abandon any actions needed to keep me on track. Veer off and then fall off. Each time I fall off it is so much harder to climb back on.
By reading the above it makes it claer that it doesnt have to be - Consistency is key, That has been my weakness - I need to strengthen it.

Values:

To invest time in Recovery so that the chaos of addiction is a thing of my past:


Action Plan:

1. Re-ignite the habit of logging on every morning and reading or writing at RN - Completing the lessons at a solid pace of 3 per week.
2. Take 5 minutes each morning to review how my day went yesterday and what challenges I may face today/over teh coming days and think of ways that I can minimise those challenges.
3. Remind my self of how grateful I am that I did not follow addiction to where it could have brought me but use that reminder as a motivator to continue the course rather than an excuse to engage in waht I have considered 'less dangerous' activities
4. Share what I am learning with RN or and others
5. Recognise that I have had a habit in teh past of beating myself up when things are not perferct and how that mindset plays into the narrative of seeking porn as an escape or soother.
6. At certain times during the day, Stop, take a deep breath and think about how good it feels to be free of any guilt - of not having anything on my phone to be ashamed of and how that can all change by some seemingly innocuous daily choices.
7. Rememeber that my default strategy that has been ingrained in my brain over decades is to invest a little time into 'recovery related activities' and then when a wave comes often give in to it and end back in square one. As they say in AA - 'HALF MEASURES' are not enough. I have invested more energy in half mesures over teh last two decades than many people would in full measures over a much shorter period yielding much better results. If I dont change what I am doing I wont get different results.
8. Consider myself in the early stages of recovery which means I need to be mindful of any situations or triggesr that could lead to a setback (Too often I have convinced myself that as I have worked this for so long - I know it all already and thus 'skip' the concentrated effort and focus needed by someone in early recovery. This leads into the half measures problem.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 5:06 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Pro Active Action Plan:
Creating a better relationship with my wife:


1. Listen to her and be aware of her own needs and wants.
2. Let her know that I love and appreciate her - do this by (a) telling her and (b) showing her with acts of selflessnesss such as doing house chores
3. Try and keep calm and discuss maturly how we raise our boys. 90% of our arguments center around the boys - how much screen time they are allowed to watch, how little chores they are requested to do, the way they are allowed to moan for what they want. That difference in opinion drives a wedge between us and it is not good for the kids to see. Too often I have lost my cool whan I witness the rules being broken [again] or I feel like I am being disempowered or my wife and I are being disrespected.
We both want what is best for the boys but find it hard to agree on certain aspects - I f I were to ask myself "Have I done teh best job I could at coming to an agreement with my wife that is best for the kids, best for her and best for me?" The answer would be No - we end up getting into an argument with perceived attacks and defence. I can definitely be more patient and smarter and less emotional about handling that situation.
4. Spend more quality time together - just the two of us - even just for a walk to the shops! Talk and plan time away together we both love trips away and even a walk in the park and a takeaway coffee reminds me of why she is still my favourite person to spend time with. If we dont arrange it it doesnt happen and I seem to be better at arranging such things so I will do it.
5. Contact our TV service provider (or change provider) to allow acess to more channels in our bedroom, we prefer to snuggle and watch a movies/ series in our bed than downstairs at night (The only time we would watch TV) but with a lack of channels there is rarely anything we are both interested in on and so we simply dont often spend time together that way - nwe used to do - it used to be very enjoyable to cuddle up and watch a series and enjoy it together but that is a ritual that has been out on pause for many years - I would like to get that stsrted together as I know we both enjoyed it.
6. Tell her when she looks good and that I appreciate the efforts that she makes.
7. Talk more openly with her about EVERY topic - Try not to be so defensive.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 5:57 am 
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Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Pro Action Plan
Build the best relationship with my Son C


I love my son so much it hurts however we can sometimes knock heads and that cause upset for everyone.
I need to remember that I am the parent and that I need to display patience, and fairness and understand that he is his own person and thus may view things differently than me.
I need to remember that every child needs reassurance and respect and told that they are loved and supported to build their self esteem - I can do that every day by showing him by being patient and calm but also listening to him and asking questions about his day or how he feels about whatever the topic.
Somethimes I feel like my job is the enforcer to ensure that his grades are kept up and I hear my wife say IF YOU DONT DO X i WILL CALL YOUR DAD"!
He plays Football but in teh last couple of years watching screen has eaten into his playing time - rather than just complain about it I will lead by example - grab a football and head out with him to the park to kick it around and practice some drills (remembering to be as patient as possible - he is not a soldier and I am not the General!!)
Set aside time each week to read the Journal that Santa brought which emphasises building self confidence
Set aside time each evening to read a bed time story - it is good bonding for all of us)

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 6:21 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Pro Action Plan
Building a strong relationship with my Younger son M


I am lucky that we already get on very well and we are similar in many ways but its not lost on me that kids change and although we get on well now - we may not always and one day he will be a teenager and I will change from being a hero to a zero!

1. Spend time listening to him and asking him how he feels
2. Show and interest in what he is interested in
3. Allow him to make mistakes and never undernmine him - my job is to build their confidence and self esteem - I can do that with praise and rewards
4. Play - he loves to play and when we do the older boy joins in - I will organise my time better so that I have time for work and Play.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Thu Dec 31, 2020 4:17 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 218
Location: Ireland
Building Pro Active Action Plans
Investing time and Energy in my mental and Physical Health


1. Use my weekly monitoring to assess which days I can enagage in excercise and then write it into teh diary.
2. Book tennis at least once (preferably two or three times) per week
3. Do my shoulder excercises daily
4. Book physiotherapist to assess if there are any excercises that I can do to keep my hips mobile and pain reduced
5. After I put teh lads to bed - stay in the room a few nights per week and listen to meditation recordings or just sit in silence and allow my thoughts to settle without over engaging with them
6. Remember what I am grateful for - remember how much better emotions garnered from gratefullnedd are than the ones garnered from fear and pessimism.
7. Visualise what I want - often - such as a great relationship with my wife, my kids, my friends, good physical and mental health, finacial freedom etc (effectively my values)
8. Determine a workout that works for me - and works around my injuries to strengthen weaknesses and give most 'bang for my book' - commit to doing that twice per week - Have a goal in mind such as being pain free, stronger, fitter by the time I am on holidays again post Covid.
9. Appreciate my body a bit more - as I approach 50 I see teh cracks start to appear and know that the decsions I make today can directly relate to how my body feels at 60, 70 and beyond. Those decsions include my nutrition. I need to eat more fresh vegtables and less processed crap.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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