Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Mon Oct 14, 2019 4:41 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 68 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 6:56 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Hi BMN
Quote:
Today – just an hour ago, I walked out – for what I hope is the final and last time



how many times did I say that?
then followed up with
one more time cannot harm
well it can and did

The truth is you do have the choice
you say that your main motivator is your wife
I say that you should be your main motivator
prove that you do deserve her
value her for who she is and value you yourself accordingly

is recovery easy? No
but it is easier than the alternative and so much more rewarding
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:02 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Quote:
I say that you should be your main motivator
prove that you do deserve her
value her for who she is and value you yourself accordingly

Interesting, I have heard this "value you yourself" statement 3-times, in 3-different context's in just the past 10-days. I am sensing a core-value theme, that i need to explore.
In pricing my services; A client stated: (you "undervalue yourself, and your clients know it, how you going to fix it?")
In seeking fees for additional services; a contractor stated: (you "need to get paid first, don't release documents expecting to get paid, get paid then deliver, you need to value your service more")
Now Kenzo writes: ("value yourself accordingly")

Is my self-image part of the problem (or atleast my self value) and what is the connection to my addicition (self-medication?)

Thanks for the comments Kenzo, I didn't make the connection until i read this.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 7:49 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Lesson 22

The purpose of this lesson is to begin teaching you the process of "measuring the intensity of your compulsive behavior". This means that you will learn to view the emotional stimulation generated from your reactions to a particular stimuli in concrete, manipulatable terms. As you become more and more comfortable with this process, you will begin to change your perception of the compulsive behaviors that you display. No longer will you see your emotional impulses as being "natural", but will instead see them for the functional roles that they play in allowing you to manage your life. You will begin to recognize your ability to influence your emotions based on the behaviors/combination of behaviors that you purposefully engage in. And ultimately, you will clearly see the role of values in the recovery process — and how they can be used to replace the 'temporary, artificial' stimuli that have been used in the past

My most frequent ritual measured:
Watching Porn & masturbating:

Sensory (visual) -3
Time (8) x3 = 24
Intensity (9) x3=27
Habit (8) x3=24
75 /6 = 12.5
Fantasy (seeking a theme) -2
Time (4) x2=8
Intensity (3) x2=6
Habit (4) x2=8
21 /6 = 3.5
Accomplishment (found what I was seeking) -1
Time (3) x1=3
Intensity (3) x1=3
Habit (4) x1=4
10 /6 = 1.7
Fantasy (put myself in the act) -2
Time (4) x2=8
Intensity (8) x2=16
Habit (6) x2=12
36 /6 = 6
Sensory (self touch) -2
Time (5) x2=10
Intensity (5) x2=10
Habit (7) x2=7
27 /6 = 4.5
Orgasm (finish) -2
Time (9) x1=18
Intensity (9) x1=18
Habit (8) x1=18
54 /6 = 9
TOTAL: 37.2

this was a difficult lesson, and i had to re-read a few times to understand the concepts. (even now, i'm not sure i understand the assigning of points system) I may need to do a few more: other behaviors i have are: visiting Asian massage parlors, and meeting strangers from Craigslist. (but the latter is no longer an option since CL went away)

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 10:44 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Lesson 23:

Even more difficult than lesson 22.
I think I can learn that there are “smaller, separate, events” inside my patterned behavior. ( I will need to practice this, and understand this in an applicable way)

I may redo Lesson 22, with a couple more examples to begin to understand it.
(I do know THAT it always, always, always starts in my mind) If I can end-it in my first thought process – it will END.! Only when I dwell, does it grow into action.

Lesson 23 Exercise:
In your recovery thread, share a brief summary of what practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in your recovery. Don't just copy the headings of this lesson, take a minute to see how you can practically use this information in YOUR life.

I recognize that I first “feel-stress” or “feel-anxiety” my immediate internal reaction is panic and a feeling of loss-of-control. (It’s mostly financial) NOT RELATIONAL. My “go-to-comfort” is orgasm, either by visual stimulation (porn) and masturbation, or by an Asian massage with happy ending… I am Anxious, and Excited to learn of a new-pattern of emotional reaction to dealing with stress & anxiety. IF THIS understanding of the “pieces” to get to orgasm, is the key – then I need to take more time to redo lesson 22, and dig really deep into the next several lessons to GET IT. This may be what I have needed for years and years to get my life back in-control.

I am actually here NOW, because I am stressed, and I considered orgasm now, but consciously choose this lesson before I ended up across the street naked on a table.
PRACTICALLY I sensed panic/stress, I desired release & comfort (that I get from porn and orgasm) instead of analyzing the incremental components of getting to the goal, I chose a lesson, In the future, I will evaluate the pattern(s) and choose a healthy way to deal with internal pressure. ?

End of exercise

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 12:50 pm 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
BMN,

Quote:
stress & anxiety. IF THIS understanding of the “pieces” to get to orgasm, is the key – then I need to take more time to redo lesson 22, and dig really deep into the next several lessons to GET IT. This may be what I have needed for years and years to get my life back in-control.


This seems like a major light bulb moment that we shouldn't overlook. It sounds like stress/anxiety are actually one of your individual elements in your compulsive wheel (lessons 17-19) If you review the essay in lesson 19, you'll recall that many addictions serve the purpose of life management in that they replace an unpleasant state (in your case stress and anxiety) with a pleasant one (orgasm). In the upcoming lessons you'll learn how to use this knowledge to map your rituals even further. So keep going--you're absolutely on the right track.

Quote:
I am actually here NOW, because I am stressed, and I considered orgasm now, but consciously choose this lesson before I ended up across the street naked on a table.


And so you are realizing that recovery is a choice! Health is a choice! Life management is a choice! Well done.

Be Well,

Anon


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 2:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Lesson 24

I. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes. List these elements (associated with no particular ritual — but more your addiction in general) in your recovery thread.
II. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual ritual that you engage in (these should be compulsive rituals, not healthy) and break each down into their smallest elements (based on the elements identified in your wheel of sexual compulsion).
Most people will identify two to four such Major Rituals. If you can identify with more than five such rituals, just list the most common five.
To be successful in your transition to health, you will need to master your ability to identify not only these elements, but also to recognize the role that they play in stimulating you. Don't settle for anything less than mastery here.

MY WHEEL:
Orgasm
Fantasy
Sensory
Suspense
Danger
Moral Conflict
Accomplishment

REAL LIFE COMPULSIVE RITUALS:
Masturbating to Porn
1. Sensory – visual, looking at and/or saving images & video
2. Fantasy – wishing I was involved in the activity
3. Accomplishment – found what I was looking for
4. Moral Conflict – shouldn’t be doing this (morally wrong)
5. Orgasm – completion (finale)

Visit to Massage Parlor
1. Danger – risk caught, risk seeing my car there, possible disease
2. Accomplishment – naked on a table, 90% of the goal
3. Sensory – her touch, feels amazing
4. Moral Conflict – shouldn’t be here, morally wrong
5. Suspense – is she going to give HJ or not offer?
6. Orgasm – completion (finale)

Viewing Porn at work
1. Danger – risk getting caught
2. Moral Conflict – not getting work done
3. Sensory – visual, looking at and/or saving images & video
4. Fantasy – admiring & dreaming of being with
5. Accomplishment – found what I wanted

Random stranger from Craigslist
1. danger – risk disease, risk could be weirdo or crazy
2. Suspense – walking into home or office or hotel
3. Accomplishment – they are real and ready
4. Sensory – visual & touch
5. Orgasm – completion / finale

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:14 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Lesson 25

Ultimately, you will be redeveloping your identity — and how you go about developing, maintaining and managing that identity — to allow you to produce value-based stimulation that is similar in intensity to the 'compulsive actions' that currently prevail. But it cannot be done intellectually; It must be done through practical skill. Mechanical at first, but once you have put the pieces into place...once you have built the foundation for such change to take place...it will all seem quite natural.

When basing your decisions on emotions, you are unable to consider the long term consequences of your actions in your decision-making process. You are unable to see the reality of the situation that you are facing. Intellectually, you may very well understand the consequences of your actions, but emotionally...they don't register.

By definition, the 'point of no return' is the point in any given ritual where you know that you are going to complete this ritual. For instance, you are faced with having an affair and perhaps at first, through the early grooming period, you were having sincere conflicts about whether or not you should continue. But at some point, a decision is made to finish the ritual...that is the 'point of no return'. The point where you know that there was no turning back. That while you may try to rationalize, minimize, pressure yourself (through guilt and shame) to not act...deep inside, you know that you are going to eventually.


Compulsive Ritual – Masturbating to Porn:
1. wake up feeling pressure of what must get done that day (work) stress
2. Or wake up realizing who I own money to & not knowing how to get it (anxiety)
3. Tell myself I need to stay away from porn because it will waste time
4. Innocently look at email (on computer)
5. Check on a few web items (on computer)
6. Justify in my mind, just a few images won’t take long
7. Then the “urge” kicks in and I’m searching soft-types, (like bikinis) to justify not looking at porn
8. Or topless on a beach stuff, or something benign PONR
9. Before long it migrates to hardcore porn and I’m playing with myself
10. Then I begin to justify that I need this
11. I need the dopamine & oxytocin hit to help with my stress
12. I keep searching for “the right one” to do it
13. Eventually orgasm (sometimes takes 2-hours)
14. I immediately HATE what I just did, I hate the wasted time
15. I am angry with myself – but the dopamine & oxytocin made the anxiety and stress better.
3a. Alternate #3 is I wake up and knowingly go straight to #7 or #9 (happens after a string of “FAIL-days”. (addiction is kicking in & don’t even fool myself)

Compulsive Ritual – Visiting an Asian Massage Parlor:
1. Working in the office, an event happen(s): unexpected bill pops up, I’m short on money for current bills, or a project I was hoping to get goes away.
2. Emotions go South. First an anxious feeling, I need to get up, walk, pace, can’t concentrate on what I’m doing – mind goes to loss OR “how will I accomplish”
3. When my MIND has the “thought” an Orgasm after a Massage will relax me, I push it out, “I can’t afford that” that’s $60 + $40 tip = $100 I don’t have (wish someone would do it for free)
4. Tell myself I can’t waste the money
5. Tell myself it’s wrong and I shouldn’t (hurt my marriage)
6. Over-come my fear of disease, because “it’s just a HJ” PONR
7. (side note) this happens 1x/week – So most of the time I talk myself out of it (value decision is usually the cost – spending what I don’t have) sad…
8. Then more often than I should, I give in – tell the guys I “need to run out for a few” – go (literally across the street) and get a one-hour massage, with happy ending.
9. YES the drugs in the brain feel-great, they DO take away my anxiety (for awhile) BUT I just failed my values. (again) feel Bad, Angry at myself (again)

Compulsive Ritual – Connecting with Someone live on CL:
1. Anxiety, worry, feeling of inadequacy, Owe too much money, frustrated, INSTEAD of dealing head-on with my “issue” I choose to surf options on the internet.
2. Initially there is NO possible way of meeting anyone – but the entertainment of it in my mind brings a distraction that is comforting
3. I begin to see scenarios that piqué my interest and fantasy starts.
4. I imagine ideal and satisfying outcomes, sex with strangers,
5. Excitement builds as I am aroused by the actual event (it’s even more realistic, because this isn’t a picture) it is a real person looking for a real person (me?)
6. I make contact (email) and then they respond.
7. Even now, I am NOT considering meeting for real (only conversation)
8. But the conversation (typing/email) intensifies – He/She asks what time I can come over, we discuss details and possible scenarios
9. I make a commitment (once I get to this point I always seem to keep a commitment) PONR
10. I wrestle with my values (tell myself this is wrong, I shouldn’t do it)
11. I wrestle with I should work, If (my wife) knew she’d be hurt (deeply)
12. I need to change my mind – delete the email account
13. Just don’t show, they don’t know who I am…
14. But I go anyway – I show up, get right to the deed (no conversation, no connection) just physical HJ, BJ, body to body rub, happy finish. (even a few FS) rarely
15. Then panic, fear, remorse, anger, hate-myself all rush back in immediately
16. Sometimes RUSHING out from (strong negative emotions)
17. Always deleting everything after (email account) travel log from phone, all incriminating evidence.
18. These (rare) but real encounter spiral me into a month-long to year-long STRAIGHT and NARROW path of purity… (but this pattern always comes back)

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2018 12:56 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Lesson 26

and finally, you are able to make rational decisions as to whether or not the side effects of addiction are worth the temporary relief it provides (in other words, you will have the ability to weigh the consequences of each element, prior to your engagement in them)

Lesson 26 Exercise:
Instead, you are listing the behavior associated with that element. For example, in the past exercise, it was sufficient to label a voyeuristic ritual with the element 'sensory stimulation — visual'. No longer. From this point forward, all rituals should be identified in terms of the specific thoughts/behaviors associated with the elements. And so, today, your 'element' will read something like this: "I would focus my eyes on her and inconspicuously follow her around the store."


Mapping Ritual #1:
Element #1 I would wakeup feeling overwhelmed and feel the urge to masturbate for comfort.
Element #2 I would wrestle in my thoughts whether to masturbate unaccompanied or with images from the internet
Element #3 I would debate in my head that images and videos will help “complete the activity faster” thus wasting less time.
Element #4 Give into (false) logic that I will be relieved faster (feeling excited to complete)
Element #5 I’d always start with soft, less graphic, solo images & because the “this isn’t enough” mindset would take over – I migrated quickly to hard-core images, multiple partners, and very graphic videos
Element #6 Feeling the “next-image” will be better, will be “the-one”, I never settle and keep wasting time moving through even though my excitement is high.
Element #7 My feelings of fantasy and my potential (fantasy) involvement (joining in with her/them) ramp up the emotion to help me get there.
Element #8 Finally the CLOCK, and my hour (or more) of wasted time, forces me to put fantasy in over-drive and masturbate to orgasm (completion)
Element #9 Always hate-myself after complete, hate what I did, hate what I thought, hate the emotions of doing something that I feel strongly against.
Element #10 Remove all traces on my phone, tablet, or computer – erase files, history, etc.. to pretend it never happened. Feel deep remorse and shame.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2018 3:24 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Lesson 27 Exercise:

Provide an example of two compulsive chains in your life. The first chain should be where multiple rituals are engaged in simultaneously — thus enhancing the overall amount of stimulation derived from the behavior. The second should be an example of how you have strung together several rituals back-to-back and thus, extended the stimulation you were deriving. Post these examples in your recovery thread.

Wow, This is good reading.!
I understand why my addiction is deepening (getting worse), why I may even engage in the behavior without the anxious/worry catalyst.

Over the past year I have observed my taking advantage of time-alone, or boredom, to engage (simply having opportunity would sometimes cause me to indulge without the negative emotions that typically push me to engage).

In addition my behavior has escalated:
From 8 years old to 16 years old (masturbation alone was enough)
Chain #1
From 16 years old to 26 years old, I added magazine pictures to the act. (saving and hiding them from parents, friends, and wife)
Chain #2
At 26 years old I invited a ‘call-girl’ over and we masturbated each other, this happened occasionally 6 times over the next 10 years. (magazines were being replaced with internet photos) “still’s collected and saved” as they were hard to find.
Chain #3
Around 36 years old I started watching videos when in hotel’s out-of-town, I also started going into video booths in adult stores to watch videos and masturbate in a booth. I even got up enough courage to purchase a few VHS tapes and hide them in the house.
Chain #4
At 38 years old I found a local strip club that I frequented when I could. I had a regular who became good friends that turned into a 3-year long sexual affair. While seeing her, I also started finding massage opportunities. (meaning: someone offers massage in their home, and it was a rub/tug masturbation session.)
At 42 years old – Wife found out about the affair (It ended, we moved away, and I stayed 100% free and clean from all addictions/behaviors for about 5 years)
Chain #5
I discovered internet porn (free) movies, pictures, live-one-on-one video chats, anything I wanted, and mostly free or pretty cheap. I started masturbating to porn again (after a long break)
Chain #6
Asian Massage parlors, rub-n-tug masturbation.
Chain #7
Craigslist personal’s (men offering anything free, just come to their home on a moments notice through an anonymous email connection) burn the email account right after. – This I hated the most (because I don’t like the risk, I don’t like the people, I am straight, but I liked the attention to my sex desires)

Now, I’m here! – leaning to walk away from everything – forever.
Learning a new way to connect emotionally to life. (a way that is not compulsive, and not “out-of-control”)
Being-made-new.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2018 9:29 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Lesson 28 Exercise:
1. Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior.
2. Upon completion of this chain, review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state.
3. Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic, and related to the chain itself. For instance, someone viewing porn might add the element of setting up a Power Point slide show of the images. Someone engaging in escort services might add the element of videotaping the encounters. Share these in your recovery thread.


I am NOT sure I understand “develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior, this is my “life-chain” over a 40+ year period of expanding (chain) – I can add elements to each (see below), however;

Comments from a coach would be good right-now to comment on/or correct this exercise:


From 8 years old to 16 years old (masturbation alone was enough)
Additional destructive elements: use of toys, risk-in-public places, add voyeurism by masturbating where someone is watching.

From 16 years old to 26 years old, I added magazine pictures to the act. (saving and hiding them from parents, friends, and wife)
Additional destructive elements: purchasing more graphic magazines, (hard-core)

At 26 years old I invited a ‘call-girl’ over and we masturbated each other, this happened occasionally 6 times over the next 10 years. (magazines were being replaced with internet photos) “still’s collected and saved” as they were hard to find.
Additional destructive elements: hiring prostitutes, engaging in riskier activity (more than just HJ), spending money on internet memberships. (looking at photos at nigh while wife asleep – instead of just when alone

Around 36 years old I started watching videos when in hotel’s out-of-town, I also started going into video booths in adult stores to watch videos and masturbate in a booth. I even got up enough courage to purchase a few VHS tapes and hide them in the house.
Additional destructive elements: engaging escorts or prostitutes while out of town, engaging in sex-acts with men at video booths,

At 38 years old I found a local strip club that I frequented when I could. I had a regular who became good friends that turned into a 3-year long sexual affair. While seeing her, I also started finding massage opportunities. (meaning: someone offers massage in their home, and it was a rub/tug masturbation session.)
Additional destructive elements: Engage in sex at a massage parlor (offered often in the past)
At 42 years old – Wife found out about the affair (It ended, we moved away, and I stayed 100% free and clean from all addictions/behaviors for about 5 years)

I discovered internet porn (free) movies, pictures, live-one-on-one video chats, anything I wanted, and mostly free or pretty cheap. I started masturbating to porn again (after a long break)
Additional destructive elements: Join chat sites, engage with live women, download & keep a porn video collection, watch movies more often (in-lue-of) when wife away. Ramp up frequency and risk.

Craigslist personal’s (men offering anything free, just come to their home on a moments notice through an anonymous email connection) burn the email account right after. – This I hated the most (because I don’t like the risk, I don’t like the people, I am straight, but I liked the attention to my sex desires)
Additional destructive elements: (endless) opportunities are crazy: 1-Actual Sex w/condom, 2-Actual Sex w/o condom (risky), 3-Group sex, 4- Sex in any location (beach, outdoor pool, public restroom, swing club, male bathhouse, etc..) 5-CL couples, 6-CL shemales, 7-CL groups.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2018 10:09 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 380
Hi BMN,

You have reached a very important part of the workshop now which is trying to get you to see that your compulsive behaviour is not one act (e.g. "I went to a massage parlour") but rather than each of these "acts" are in fact a chain of events that join together and form the "acting out". As such the chain could look more like:

1. I felt bored/angry/frustrated
2. I thought about the idea of going to a massage parlour and it gave me a rush of excitement that made me feel better
3. I made the decision to have a massage which made it feel even more exciting
4. I started to picture the massage and seeing her naked as I went over there
5. The massage started and I saw her naked which got me very aroused
6. I climaxed
7. I felt guilt and shame as I got dressed and left
8. I promised myself to not do this again


As you can see, the "acting out forms several different stages and if you don't break it down in this way then you are not going to understand that basis of stopping the process. Can I please suggest that you take whatever acting out you last did ("e.g. looking at porn on a computer" or whatever) and try and form a chain like the one about how what you did and to highlight the emotions you were experiencing at each stage (whether that be an improved state or worsening through the process). This may seem pedantic but I can assure you that this is really important to get your head around.

If you are unclear on anything then please say so in your thread and the coaches/mentors wills top by to offer guidance. Good luck!

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2018 11:47 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Lesson 28 redo
Thank you L2R - this is exactly the feed-back i needed.
For some reason, my answer's did not feel like i mastered the assignment.


Most Recent Behavior (2-weeks ago)

1. Woke up early with anxious thoughts (regarding financial issues with work) felt anxious, disheartened, frustrated, worried, and insecure.
2. I thought that a "physical-hit" of dopamine & oxytocin would help me cope, felt better thinking about the "hit"
3. I thought i could masturbate without visual stimulation, thus not break my "good-cycle" in Recovery... felt proud
4. The act was not progressing so I pulled out my tablet and started looking at soft core photos – felt excited and hopeful this would be quick
5. My desire to go fast was not happening, the pace slowed down and I found myself exploring deeper and looking longer at progressively more hard-core photos – felt aroused, excited, engrossed (getting out-of-control at this point)
6. Spent a full hour (wasted a full hour) looking for that right-picture or animated gif. Felt anticipation rising, felt satisfied.
7. Orgasm. Felt euphoric, accomplished, completed
8. Realized the time wasted, Realized I did the exact opposite of what I hopped to do, regretted the whole activity, felt angry with myself, resentful and upset
9. Realized if failed in my recovery. Felt worse – wished I could turn clock back & do the morning over…

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2018 3:02 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
paused - Lesson 28

Saturday 1.5 Weeks ago:
I had cleared about 3-weeks ‘porn free’, GREAT streak for me. I even experienced several “temptations” during the 3 weeks where I was able to use RN conversation with myself to talk myself out of the actions.
In particular was last Saturday (Wife was away, home alone, bored and opportunity would typically equal = failure.) BUT
I effectively reviewed completed lessons and rationalized this is not my values, I could visualize what the compulsive steps are, My understanding is growing and I was using it to “walk-away”…

Bam (then came Tuesday) Last week.
Don’t know if it was pent up tension, an emotional trigger, OR WHAT? But Tuesday AM, I found a local escort site. Discovered a 20-30% discount for membership of only $25. And was able to “save” searches of nearly 8 girls within 10 minutes of my location – mentally my fantasy gear ran wild, I ranked them on Fee ($), ranked them by location, and ranked them by looks & reviews. I was surprisingly excited just by the research activity… (I turned off my RN knowledge and went with my compulsion) ----

I scheduled a rub, went, and loved every minute. I continued noodling around and found another, went for an escort the second time & engaged in protected sex…. Ughhhh – then the fog lifted, I hate myself right now. (I completely blew everything and went further than I’ve every gone before)… Is this pressure to be expected when feeling threatened to leave everything I’ve chased for the past 40 years? I so want to be done. (I’m not sure if I should back up and start over somewhere) or just keep moving forward… I need this addiction to end. NOW.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:55 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
BMN,

Slips can be expected but not condoned. Keep in mind you CHOSE to follow a path of health 2 weeks ago in the face of triggers. Meaning you are capable of healthy living and playing the relapse card is no longer an option.

You asked whether to back up or start over... an incredibly hard but valuable lesson to revisit would be Lesson 10.... Regardless I encourage you to move forward. The next few lessons are going to assist you in identifying the role of what you mentioned:

Quote:
Don’t know if it was pent up tension, an emotional trigger, OR WHAT?


Find out NOW. You're in the midst of the lessons of ritualistic chains. So let's apply the work. A slip assessment will walk you through application. http://recoverynation.com/recovery/w_slipassessment.php

Up to you, but I would recommend posting your responses in your thread.

Quote:
Is this pressure to be expected when feeling threatened to leave everything I’ve chased for the past 40 years?


Indeed. Our perception has been skewed by emotions, such that we've dramatized and inflated the lure of acting out. L2R speaks on this struggle frequently in his thread.

But I challenge you--what you've been chasing for 40 years has not been pleasurable. Because it leaves you with this:
Quote:
I hate myself right now. (I completely blew everything and went further than I’ve every gone before)


So consider asking yourself, was that 40 year lifestyle of guilt and shame worth it? And are you ready to live a life beyond the guilt and shame?

Lastly, it is not uncommon for SA's to have an "escape plan". 'Well if this recovery thing doesn't work out at least I'll have massage parlours...'

BMN, the difference between slips and health is your firm commitment. So what are you afraid of? It is always your choice.

Be Well,

Anon


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 9:14 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
Thank you Anon.
I just sent in the Slip Assesment Worksheet

I will redo lesson #10 (then move forward)
I really appreciate the advice, it's exactly what i needed to hear.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 68 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group