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PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2017 10:50 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
So I started RN a two months ago, but was too ashamed to post a recovery thread. Combine this with several sessions of porn over the last few days and here I am, starting over from scratch.
I think one of the main reasons why I failed is because I didn't fully develop my initial motivation and commitment, making everything else unstable.

So here we go:

Lesson 1

A.
1) I am ready to risk anything in order to permanently recover from this addiction and live a healthy life. This means, fully understanding and completing every lesson and using the knowledge in my everyday life to change my perception of life. This also means I am putting recovery on top of my priorities for the next months.
2) I will not allow negative emotions such as doubt, guilt, shame alter my commitment to recovery, as emotions are not an effective decision-making tool.
3) I understand that laying a lasting foundation for change generally lasts 3 months, and recovery can happen in 4-5 months. Recovery will be tough and long, but it is a change that needs time to occur, as addiction is so ingrained in my life.

B.
I want to have order in my mind and my life
I want to be proud of who I am
I want to be able to achieve meaningful things in my life
I want to share my true self with the world around me
I want to have emotional maturity
I want to have courage
I want to be able to sustain a profound, loving relationship
I want control over my emotions
I want integrity
I want to find meaning in my life

C.
I found a picture of myself at about 6 years old. This child looked innocent indeed, his eyes were playful and sweet. His smile was true, but already a bit shy, the shyness of children in front of a camera. This was me, years ago. There is no more room for deception: I will recover from addiction for this child, for myself.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:44 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hi Captain
and welcome to RN

Quote:
here I am, starting over from scratch.
I think one of the main reasons why I failed is because I didn't fully develop my initial motivation and commitment, making everything else unstable
.

if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path
the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone

Quote:
I started RN a two months ago, but was too ashamed to post a recovery thread

as the lesson says we need to put both guilt and shame to one side as we start out on our journey of discovery
we all start from the same point and this community supports rather than judges

we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

Quote:
I understand that laying a lasting foundation for change generally lasts 3 months, and recovery can happen in 4-5 months. Recovery will be tough and long, but it is a change that needs time to occur, as addiction is so ingrained in my life.



remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination, please try to refrain from counting days , weeks or months you need to be in for the long haul, there will be times when progress is excellent but the opposite is equally true


remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 4:28 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Thank you Coach Kenzo for your reply. You are right, recovery should not be about counting days; maybe that is also one of the reasons why it did not work out so well for me: I was too bound by time.

Anyways, here's lesson 2, that I put a longer time to do as I believe I had neglected it in my previous recovery attempt.

Lesson 2

Life Vision

I believe in a life based in integrity. Where my honesty and sincerety, both with myself and others, make me proud of who I am. Where integrity means a commitment to improve myself, and is helping me grow and learn in all areas of my life. A life where integrity means courage and audacity, in my career, but also in my relationships, and in relation to my own personal life choices. Where integrity helps me build meaningful, deep relationships because of the honesty that derives from integrity. Finally, it is a life where integrity allows me to be true to my values, and thus, to myself.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 5:40 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hello captain

your vision appears (I said appears) to be a tick in a box?

a whole life of positive experiences in 4 lines, does that suffice?
will that be enough to promote and further cement commitment?
I am suggesting that you read "Coach Mel's how to" found at the top or this forum
just a suggestion, your recovery, your choice, your life

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:17 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
I took some more time to think about this vision, and also completed Coach Mel's exercise; and although my vision not perfect (yet), I feel comfortable commiting myself to it and pursuing it.

I choose to live my life with integrity. By being absolutely honest with myself in regard to recovery, but also in my decision making, by making decisions based on values that matter to me.
I choose to act bravely, not being held back by fear or laziness.
I choose to to be a supportive friend, to help my friends in times of hardships. I will be sincere with them, and spend quality time with them.
I choose to be present with my family members, spending time to understand them and accepting them as unique human beings.
I choose to do my best in my career, and learn from my flaws and weaknesses to improve my methods/techniques.
I choose to be healthy, both mentally and physically; and maintain that health on the long term.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 11:26 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 3

Values List

Universal:
- Order
- Self-Respect
- Integrity
- Social Acceptance
- Autonomy
- Love
- Identity

Practical:
1 Being a good friend
2 Being absolutely honest
3 Being committed in my pursuit of a healthy life
4 Being proud
5 Sharing myself with my family
6 Sharing myself with my friends
7 Being physically healthy
8 Being in growth and learning
9 Being curious
10 Being brave
11 Being a good communicator
12 Having empathy
13 Beauty
14 Being open-minded
15 Being supportive with my friends
16 Being supportive with my family
17 Problem - solving
18 Being a good guitar player
19 Being ambitious
20 Being responsible
21 Mental strength
22 Physical strength
23 Striving for excellence
24 Developing sustained friendships
25 Having an identity
26 Being kind to myself
27 Developing emotional maturity
29 Experience success
30 Vitality
31 Being realistic
32 Having an organized lifestyle
33 Humor
34 Debate
35 Have clear learning methods
36 Enjoyment
37 Pursuing life goals
38 Pursuing my passions
39 Finding meaning
40 Being confident
42 Being a role model for others
43 Taking responsability for my actions
44 Being active
45 Living a healthy life
46 Bringing joy to others
47 Developing depth
48 being trustworthy
49 being sincere
50 being the leader of my own life
51 Accepting my weaknesses
52 Having a clear understanding of my life
53 Being organized (career)
54 Being open minded
55 Being enthusiastic
56 Acting in accordance with my values
57 Facing reality
58 Being commmited in my pursuit of my life goals
59 Being vulnerable

Values that went into compulsive behavior
- Lust
- Immediate gratification
- Instability
- Fear
- Guilt
- Shame
- Self-hatred
- Doubt
- Anger
- Intensity


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:18 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 3 (take 2)

I rearranged the value list a bit to include some more and take out those who felt unnecessary

1 Absolute honesty
2 Striving towards excellence
3 Accomplishment
3 Kindness towards others
4 Vivacity
5 Vitality
6 Understanding others
7 Problem-solving
8 Curiosity
9 Being physically fit
10 Being mentally healthy
11 Sincerity with the world around me
12 Vulnerability with my family
13 Vulnerability with my friends
14 Commitment to my life goals/projects
15 Order in my life plan
16 Bravery
17 Taking responsability
18 Open- mindedness
19 Sense of Humor
20 Integrity
21 Personal growth
22 Realistic
23 Confidence in myself
24 Developing trust in my relationships
25 Developing depth
26 Sharing my true self
27 Developing emotional maturity
28 Developing sustained friendships
29 Beauty
30 Communication
31 Accepting myself
32 Accepting others
33 Self - love
34 Empathy
35 Debate
36 Finding meaning
37 Leading my life
38 Ambition
39 Mental strength
40 Physical strength
41 Identity
42 Spontaneity
43 Facing reality
44 Being true to myself
45 Taking pride in myself
47 Being responsible
48 Being a role model for others
49 Pursuing my life goals with passion
50 Creativity
51 Building an identity for myself


Last edited by captainofmysoul on Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 11:43 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 4

1 Integrity
2 Absolute honesty
3 Self - love
4 Bravery
5 Vulnerability with my family
6 Sincerity with the world around me
7 Curiosity
8 Taking responsability
9 Developing sustained friendships
10 Accepting myself
11 Personal Growth
12 Vivacity
13 Commitment to my life goals/projects
14 Being physically fit
15 Order in my life plan
16 Finding meaning
17 Striving towards excellence
18 Creativity
19 Open-mindedness
20 Communication
21 Ambition
22 Mental Strength
23 Beauty
24 Developing emotional maturity
25 Empathy
26 Sense of humor
27 Developing depth
28 Vulnerability with my friends
29 Being mentally healthy
30 Vitality
31 Taking responsability
32 Accomplishment
33Finding meaning
34 Understanding others
35 Problem - solving
36 Realistic
37 Physical strength
38 Building an identity for myself
39 Taking pride in myself
40 Debate
41 Physical strength
42 Being true to myself
43 Pursuing my life goals with passion
44 Being responsible
45 Being a role model for others
46 Sharing my true self
47 Spontaneity
48 Developing trust in my relationships
49 Kindness towards others
50 Leading my life
51 Accepting others
52 Confidence in myself
53 Facing reality


Last edited by captainofmysoul on Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 5:30 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Right so, as I was looking through my vision and values, I realized that it represented what others would want me to become, or how I could shine in the eyes of others. Then I came to another realization, the fact that I was struggling to connect with my core identity, which is buried under my addictive identity, and the man I showed to the world, who is not me.
Having said that, I think I found an efficient motivator to fuel commitment in my recovery: mortality. Accepting my own mortality over the last few days really helped me gain perspective and see recovery as an imperative to live a fullfilled life. It gave me a motivation that I had not felt in months.
Anyway, I am going to re do lessons 2 - 4.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 11:14 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 2

Vision

First, I want to ensure that my physiological needs are met. I choose to get sufficient sleep each night, eat and drink sufficiently and healthily... etc
I also want to ensure stability and safety in my life. I choose to achieve emotional maturity, guarantee an order in my understanding of life.
I want to experience a sense of identity and belonging. I choose to achieve this through a foundation of values (integrity; curiosity; self love....) that will define my actions and my identity; also by strengthening my relationships with my family and friends and developing depth within these relationships.
I want to experience romantic love and intimacy within a relationship. However, this can only be done after my love addiction will be completely treated.
I want to take pride in who I am. This will be done by achieving a set of values that matches my core identity; but also by experiencing success and achievement.
I want to understand my life, the processes that happen in my head and the reason why I developed and maintained an addicition. I want to develop curiosity about all areas of my life.
I want to pursue beauty and order. I will apply this to myself, by being fit and pursuing inner beauty, to my surroundings (a beautiful and ordered room...), and will pursue beauty in my practice of music and photography.
Ultimately, I want to realize my full potential in some areas of my life (I do not quite know which yet); and contribute, on my scale, to the advancement and well-being of mankind.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 9:38 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 3

Autonomy in my life decisions
Stability
Emotional Maturity
Developing my self-esteem
Building my identity
Developing depth
Integrity
Curiosity
Intimacy within a relationship
Success at work
Success in my relationships
Success in building a healthy life
Understanding myself
Understanding others
Order in my life management
Being organized
Realizing my full potential
Developing sustained friendships
Developing healthy relationships
Favoring simplicity
Physical health
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Honesty
Responsibility
Living an exciting life
Striving for excellence
Feeling empowered
Passionate about life
Control
Connecting to my purpose
Vulnerability
Improving my social interactions
Physical beauty
Courage
Personal growth
Open-mindedness
Helping others
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Accepting my flaws/weaknesses
Accepting my mortality
Being active
Being loyal to my friends and family
Commitment
Self-Discipline
Being able to debate
Being grateful for what I have
Being realistic
Pursuing beauty through music
Pursuing beauty through photography


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 24, 2017 5:11 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 4



1 . Absolute honesty
2 . Being physically and mentally healthy
3 . Self Respect
4 . Taking responsibility for living my life 
5 . Emotional Maturity
6 . Developing healthy relationships
7 . Experiencing success
8 . Being realistic 
9 . Love
10 . Curiosity 
11 . Vulnerability
12 . Pursuing beauty
13 . Realizing my full potential
14 . Growth 
15 . Courage
16 . Developing depth
17 . Making the best out of my life
18 . Commitment
19 . Striving for excellence
20 . Meaning
21 . Improving my social interactions
22 . Developing sustained family ties
23 . Open mindedness
24 . Accepting my flaws and weaknesses
25 . Connected to my feelings
26 . Rebuild a healthy sexuality
27 . Rebuild a healthy romantic life
28 . Sharing with others 
29 . Freedom
30 . Autonomy
31 . Being helpful
32 . Being active
33 . Independence from social pressure
34 . Communication
35 . Using my failures to learn
36 . Being healthy
37 . Strength
38 . Taking risks/being adventurous
39 . Creativity
40 . Experiencing achievement
41 . Taking life lightly
42 . Developing sustained friendships 
43 . Order
44 . Spontaneity
45 . Intimacy
46 . Mastery
47 . Avoiding conflict
48 . Developing my self esteem
49 . Perseverance
50 . Achieving self actualization


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 25, 2017 4:03 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 5


1 . Absolute honesty
2 . Being physically and mentally healthy
3 . Self Respect
4 . Taking responsibility for living my life 
5 . Emotional Maturity
6 . Developing healthy relationships
7 . Experiencing success
8 . Identity
9 . Love
10 . Curiosity 
11 . Vulnerability
12 . Pursuing beauty
13 . Realizing my full potential
14 . Growth 
15 . Courage


Last edited by captainofmysoul on Wed Aug 09, 2017 2:39 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:24 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 6

- Being healthy physically and mentally:
     - Physically:
          - Workout 3 times a week & actively seeking out opportunities to exercise at least once a week
                - Book 1:10 of my time when at home 3 times a week
          - Constantly reminding myself to sit and stand straight
     - Mentally:
          - Achieving a healthy lifestyle through addiction recovery
          - Maintaining this mental health after recovery through post-recovery monitoring


- Taking responsibility for living my life:
     - Reminding myself each day my mortality and the fragility of life through meditation in order to recognize my responsibility
     - Recognizing that only I can steer my life to a life of honesty and confidence
     - Acknowledging and accepting the gravity of the responsibility that comes with this reality
     - Acknowledging the value of my time and staying active and efficient
      


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 6:45 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 10

I. I am lying to myself by refusing to recognize my unhealthy recovery patterns
I am lying to others by showing them someone else than who I want to be.
I am deceiving myself by not attacking the core beliefs at the root of my sex and love addiction

IV. - List of porn sites - on porn blocker on computer
Text conversations with my ex - phone
Lotion - in bedroom drawer
V. Ex : used as a romantic compulsive item
Women I know : objectified in sexual fantasies
Women in the streets - objectified in flash fantasies

VI. Room - fantasy, porn, masturbation
Shower - masturbation
Internet - search for porn
Toilet - masturbation, porn
Car during long trips - porn


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