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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 2:52 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 14) Daily monitoring.

1. Did I have any compulsive thoughts today?
2. Was I attentive to my wife?
3. Was I completely honest with my wife today?
4. Did you check on your wife’s emotional state?
5. Did you have “date time” with your wife or plan a date?
6. Did I give work my full attention & carry it out to accurately?
7. Did I spend time doing at least one of my leisure activities?
8. Did you spend time thinking about your life?
9. Did you health check your state of mind?
10. Did you check on any family members today?
11. Did you organise or discuss any future events, holidays etc?

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:45 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3848
Location: UK
Hello T
Quote:
I need sex in my life

Of course you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that is because you are a sex addict
but remember that you do not need to be
you can and hopefully will choose the path of recovery

You do not need sex
you need to decide / CHOOSE what you do want, you have made that positive start so stay with it
the alternative is not where you want to be believe me I have been there and beyond

Do this and do it for you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2018 2:22 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Thank you for the reply Kenzo,
I wrote this opening for my recovery programme approx 4 weeks ago and on reflection at that statement was very wrong!!
It did not reflect my feelings at that time or now.
What I need is an intimate & emotional connection with my wife, NOT SEX!

Thanks again for pointing that quote out. I would like to say that I am 5 weeks sober with no relapse, sticking to the programme and going to an SAA meeting once a week.

Kenzo wrote:
Hello T
Quote:
I need sex in my life

Of course you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that is because you are a sex addict
but remember that you do not need to be
you can and hopefully will choose the path of recovery

You do not need sex
you need to decide / CHOOSE what you do want, you have made that positive start so stay with it
the alternative is not where you want to be believe me I have been there and beyond

Do this and do it for you

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2018 3:48 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
15) What I learned so far.

I have reflected on my life so many times over the past few weeks and looked at my priorities.
To say that they were all wrong, before starting this workshop, would be a massive understatement! I am a sex addict and I need to change.....
But now I am fully committed to change, using RN and going to SAA meetings, I am focused completely on turning things around.
I have learned that I need management in nearly all aspects of my life and I am already putting the building blocks together using the guidelines of RN.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 2:48 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 16) Understanding Addiction I

Positive role of my addiction.
a) Relieving boredom
b) A quick fix for an urge
c) Took me out of reality

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 1:39 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 17) Understanding Addiction II

Watching Porn
a) I have time on my hands, maybe an hour or more
b) I think about what sites I will go and look at
c) I start to browse and after time narrow down what type of porn I am looking for.
d) I will start to touch myself and slowly arouse my brain, if I have a lot of time this will go on for quite awhile.
e) The ending may or may not have an orgasm; if it does I am finished and feel remorse, if I do not, the thoughts in my head stay for hours.
Paying for sex
a) I think about when I can get time to visit a prostitute
b) I imagine what I would like done to me
c) I get excited about the coming event
d) I go to the meeting and enjoy what is done to me, always finishing with an orgasm.
e) If I did not completely enjoy it, I immediately think about booking another prostitute.
f) If I did enjoy it, I feel remorse for a little while afterwards.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2018 2:43 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 18) Understanding Addiction III
Watching Porn
I would search for the porn of my preference, generally using the same sites over & over again, once I found stimulating videos, I would stop searching and watch for a little while, but in general the more I was aroused the more I would seek newer unseen footage (Time/Intensity/Sensory/Fantasy)
I would often find that I wanted to find more & more, and sometimes not even orgasm in my pursuit of it. (Intensity/Habituation)
I sometimes found myself unsatisfied when time ran out, leaving me waiting for the next opportunity. (Time/Habituation)

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:30 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 19) No written exercise.

Since there was nothing to write in this lesson, I thought I would share my feelings and understanding of myself since starting the workshop.

The more I get into this workshop, the more understanding I am getting of my addiction.
I now understand that although I had values, they did not connect with my thoughts on a day to day basis. My addiction ran my life and I fitted other things in around it.
I have, in this short time of 6 weeks, put new order into my life and seek to find a healthy lifestyle.
I now spend each day thinking about my recovery, how much I value my wife, family, work and other activities. I no longer spend days looking for a fix.

I really struggle seeing the pain I have caused my wife, it burns very deeply, but I have not been negative and not sought refuge in the darkside. It makes me want to be stronger and to continue on my path to a new life, free of urges, lies & hurt.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2018 2:27 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 20) Mastering Your Addiction

Addiction to date.
This one is difficult; I have no recollection of any trauma at all. I had strict parents, but nothing that gives me nightmares. We were a close family.
When I was reaching puberty, I remember looking at the underwear section of catalogues or women’s magazines. I think about when I first saw a porn mag, probably was a really old one that my dad had in a drawer, then finding someone had dumped old porn mags in the local tip. I know I was hooked then. But nothing was freely available and I would search any fictional books for references to sex acts.
When I was old enough I would buy top-shelf magazines on a regular basis and use them to masturbate, when I had a chance.
During late teens, I also remember going to watch soft porn movies with my mate in the local cinemas, even though they were usually bad, it did not stop me going back.
I would say that my addiction had begun now!
First marriage, at the age of 24, did not stop me buying mags and was also the start of video, giving me even more access to porn. I took every opportunity when I was alone to rent videos.
This continued through my second marriage, but then the internet arrived too and that was the final nail in my coffin. Free access anytime I had an opportunity.
I did visit a sex worker during my second marriage, only a couple of times and I did not continue it.
When I left my 2nd wife, I hardly looked at porn, but I went on dating sites and chat rooms and met quite a few women on dates, sometimes ending in sex.
Meeting my current wife was amazing, she was everything I wanted in a relationship, but slowly and surely porn came back. Even though she found out and spoke to me about it, I never thought that I had a problem!
As the marriage progressed through the years and we had hard times through illness or external circumstances I continued to use free time to look at porn, my addiction was taking over and it led me to go beyond looking. So 8 months ago I went to my first sex worker in 14years. I felt remorse and shame, but all I could really think about was doing it again!

The future
Losing my partner; through separation.
This is potentially the biggest risk to my health,
It may cause the urge to come back quickly and I would need to fight it with all the coping mechanisms I am learning through RN.
If it would possibly reappear through boredom, release from the real life situations I had got myself into.
After thinking about my life, and mayhem my addiction has caused, I would hate it to come back.
To try and prevent it, I would use RN and also think about the damage it has done, use the memories of the pain it has caused as a reminder that it is not a good place to be.

Losing my partner; through death.
Very much the same as above, but potentially slightly less risk as I would honour her memory as another tool to prevent the urges.

Losing my job.
Time & boredom would be the biggest risks.
I could foresee a slow progression of slipping into my old ways. I would hope to have the disciplines I am learning here in place and also think about time management.
Looking for another job would be a priority and maybe doing volunteer work to fill my days.
Make sure that my other activities are continuing to be done and enjoyed, even if they cannot be completely covered due to the financial restraints.
Support of my wife & family.

Retirement.
Very much like losing my job.
I must think about planning for those days ahead and making sure I can fill them with activities for myself and for both of us to enjoy together.

Illness to myself or my wife
Time and boredom; more likely if it was me who was housebound.
As with most of the other possibilities, I need to be be prepared mentally and have the disciplines in place to deal with it if the situation arises.

Signs
In all these cases the main threats could be time on my hands, boredom and the need to get away from reality.
The main signs would be;
Losing interest in what I was doing or what my wife/family were doing.
Fantasy thoughts returning to my head and the urge to look at these thoughts online.

Actions.
Use my values to tell myself that it is wrong and would be destructive to go back down that route.
Use the disciplines I am learning to control the urges.
I have promised to tell my wife if I am having these thoughts and would like to think that I would do so, even if it is a few years further on and get her support in fighting it.
Speak to my sponsor.

Lesson summary.
This has caused me a lot of soul searching and a huge amount of sadness.
In writing down my thoughts I saw how I had wasted huge parts of my life and that of others, all because of this addiction. It does not sit well with me at all and I am struggling with it.
On a positive note, it has me determined to beat my addiction.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 2:25 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 21) Recovery Goals
Failure
A. Starting a new activity, such as sketching, and giving up without really trying.
B. Work; never really giving 100% to the role I was in at any given time.

Success
A. Playing cricket, becoming captain of my team and leading them to success.
B. Having 2 children

Specific Goal
I will remain faithful to my wife.*
• Monitor my own thoughts every day.
• Keep the daily monitoring going; also use it as a diary.
• Using my “NO PORN” Calendar to remind me how well I am or doing or not as the case may be.
• Using RN workshop in the same positive manner I use it for at the moment.
• SAA weekly meetings – Confirm to the group how I am doing.

* I could not put a time length on this as it felt so wrong, I do not want to be unfaithful ever again!

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


Last edited by Theseus1112 on Thu Jul 18, 2019 1:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:17 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
A side note from the lessons.

My W went out yesterday for an hour, leaving me in the house on my own for the first time since she found out.
After about 10mins, I had this weird physical feeling, best way to describe it was like a couple of days after stopping smoking.
I quickly realised that, the minute she left I would normally be looking at porn, but today I was not and had no intention of doing so.
It was not a good experience and reminded me that there is no easy route, but I also took it as a small victory.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 2:45 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 22) Measuring Compulsive Behavior

Watching Porn
Fantasy - 2
Time: Increases stimulation
Intensity: Depends on time & concentration
Habituation: Can increase or decrease, depending on mood
Sensory (visual) - 3
Time: Generally increases throughout
Intensity: Reaches a high point and then stays level until the end *
Habituation: Does not really change
Sensory (touch) - 2
Time: Is done on & off throughout the act, continues to increase*
Intensity: Does not really change, once I reach a certain point.
Habituation: Does not really change
Orgasm - 1
Time: No control if I let go*
Intensity: Constantly builds up throughout
Habituation: Does not really change
* Have found over the years that I preferred not to orgasm, but to keep the dopamine high for hours afterwards,


Calculation

Fantasy - 2
Time – 4 x 2 =8
Intensity – 5 x 2 = 10
Habituation – 3 x 2 = 6
Total = 24
24/4 = 6

Sensory (visual) - 3
Time – 8 x 3 =24
Intensity- 8 x 3 =24
Habituation – 2 x 3 =6
Total = 54
54/4 = 13.5

Sensory (touch) - 2
Time – 8 x 2 = 16
Intensity – 2 x 2 = 4
Habituation – 2 x 2 = 4
Total = 24
24/4 = 6

Orgasm - 1
Time – 2 x 1 = 2
Intensity – 10 x 1 = 10
Habituation – 1 x 1 = 1
Total = 13
13/4 = 3.25

Overall = 28.75

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2018 2:41 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 23) Practical Uses for Measuring
Assessment, Self-Awareness and Relapse Prevention

To work on what I perceive to be my rituals (I must admit that I am having difficulty knowing how I get to the stage of wanting to act out at the moment, but keeping a constant check on my health to try and detect the moment it happens)
I can learn to work out what my triggers are and what times I am most liable to relapse.
I already understand that having time on my own and having no other thought than to use it for my addiction is one of the biggest issues I have to deal with.
To learn when my brain is starting to move in the direction of my addiction, and do make preventative plans to stop it. I want to be in a position to deal with this at the earliest stage possible.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2018 2:15 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 24) Identifying Your Compulsive Elements

Elements
1. Fantasy – Using fantasy to start arousal, leading to watching porn.
2. Sensory – Using sight, watching porn or reading erotic stories, touching myself.
3. Suspense – The build up to watching porn (what am I going to look at or see, going to see sex worker, picking/booking/waiting on the time to arrive)
4. Boredom – The root cause of doing any of the above.
5. Euphoria – Keeping the “high” going for as long as possible.
6. Frustration – Sometimes not finding the image or story that my fantasy had in mind.
7. Orgasm – Completion of acting out, mainly when with sex worker and less on my own.

Ritual
Watching porn
1. Knowing I had free time: Early morning when W still in bed.
2. Desire for a “high” through watching/reading porn.
3. Begin searching the internet.
4. Finding arousing images/stories, but looking for “more/better”.
5. Using physical touch to keep the arousal going.
6. Orgasm: many times not, to keep the high going.

Paying for sex
1. Finding available time to visit.
2. Looking at website and picking one I liked the look of and what she offered.
3. Making contact and waiting on reply.
4. Thinking about the up & coming event
5. The event itself
6. Covering my tracks

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2018 2:06 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 161
Lesson 25) Identifying Compulsive Rituals

1. Know that I am going to be alone: Early morning, W going out, working away from home.
2. Think about what I can watch/read when having the free time.
3. Going on the internet, with suspense at what I might find today.
4. Browsing through the same sites I always look at, looking for things that I find arousing.
5. Physically touching myself.
6. Looking for more, different things.
7. Sustain the arousal, by not having an orgasm.
8. If I have an orgasm the act is over.
9. Feel guilty/ self conscious.
10. Make sure history is wiped.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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