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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 3:24 pm 
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Lesson 15 Exercises:
I. Take a minute to review what you have learned over the past two weeks. Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life. Share this in your personal thread.


Sometimes you get the thought that is so good that you think it will become the motto of your life. Then you do not write it down so you can not remember the way it is, and this makes you crazy. Similar is with the values. Even though you seem to know them and they are part of you, in critical, stressful situations, you will not be able to remember them. That's why it's good to keep reminding you, have them at your fingertips. You need to be able to remember them at any time. That's what I've learned in the last two weeks. It is good to remind yourself about your values daily because in such way you empower your healthy life.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2019 4:49 am 
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Lesson 16 Exercise:
I. Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)?


Time spending watching porn or fantasizing about porn or fantasizing about how it would be if I would apply porn to my life was extremely pleasurable, arousal, horny, thrill, excitement, enjoyable, fun, comfortable, high etc. Hours of gratification during watching porn and even days of gratification during fantasizing. Just like in movie Avatar (2009) in my fantasy world I felt like hero, comparing with myself as emotional cripple in real world. (In movie there was a paraplegic marine, not emotional cripple)

If we assume that from ancient time people have been forced to cooperate and compete for survive and that our main four needs, which come out from cooperation and competition are: need for love or belonging, for power, for freedom and for fun (playing) - in that case I can say that my addiction has met all of this four of my needs.

Watching porn I felt that I belong to extensive community of people similar to me, with similar taste, with similar needs like I felt. I doesn’t matter that I don’t know them, it doesn’t matter that I even do not communicate with them. The fact that someone made a video or picture which stir me up so much is proof that I am not alone. I felt that they understand me, they accept me, they want me, they want be my friends. Need for being unconditionally loved or belong to someone - is met.

Watching porn or fantasizing I finally could do everything what is forbidden for me in real life. Nobody would punish me or mock, call for responsibility, condemn, embarrass etc. I was totally free in a sense of doing whatever I want. Need for freedom - is met.

Watching porn or fantasizing I was the one who decide what will I watch of fantasize, I was director of my fantasy, I should not have any regard to others, no fear of performance. With no harm, I could switch or abandon whomever I did not like anymore. I was the one who decide which genre of porn will I watch and enjoy in it. Need for power - is met.

Once, when I was young, I was passionate player of video games. No video games can give you such intense pleasure as watching or fantasizing porn. Though I like strategy, I think porn is all time best role play video game. Time spent during watching porn or fantasizing porn was so much fun, fun, fun. Need for fun - is met.

However, I never watched porn or fantasizing porn because I was bored or just for fun. I use porn and/or fantasizing often with masturbate when I needed comfort myself because I was rejected, betrayed, hurt; when I was stressed, anxious; when I had to do something I don’t want to do, when I was under some kind of pressure or when I didn't get reward that I believed I deserved. I also watched porn or fantasizing and often masturbate to comfort myself after I did something bad or wrong, after I did some failure that I was I aware this was my guilty. Sometimes I also watched porn or fantasizing with masturbating after I accomplish something and wanted to reward myself because I had impression I was not rewarded right way.

I preferred gay porn. I avoided porn with women. Every time when frame popup with prostitute or with women, I felt bad, insecure, embarrassed. I tried to force myself to watch porn with women, but as I started, it stopped being fun, because I immediately felt something is wrong, I saw them being used, exploited, I felt sorry for them, regardless of whether they played mistress, active role or had subordinate roles. I felt the fear that I might be exposed and accused of taking part in the exploitation of women. I felt like they were forced to play in these videos and that's why I felt uncomfortable. I wanted to protect them from this humiliation. I was sorry for them etc. It is uncomfortable for me to look at a naked female body, especially I find it unpleasant to look at women who have sexual intercourse. I'm embarrassed to watch them and feel guilty about watching women this way.

I wanted to be seen naked in front of men at nudist beaches, fantasizing about being noticed or caught naked in front of men excited me, I was never afraid that any man could do anything bad to me if he would see me naked. But I avoided encounter with women. I would feel embarrassed and shy if any woman would be seen me naked in nudist beach. I was afraid of her reaction. I was afraid that some woman could recognised me and it would be embarrassing to me, it would be shameful, caught me in something I should not do, where I should not have been. I was scared that a woman might recognize that I was an exhibitionist, screaming and asking me to get me out of the beach. I was afraid that because she looked at me I could get an erection, then she would either laugh at me or embarrassed me, or she would ask guards to take me out from beach because of my erection. It is not logic because in nudist beach both men and women expect of you to be naked, too.

I think it is because I wanted to build sustained, strong, intense, intimate but platonic friendship with male mate, but I was never capable of it. When I was in position to build such friendship a few times in my life, I became so nervous and under pressure that finally I pulled out of the attempt of building such friendship. I felt too much pressure that I could not withstand. I am still not able to communicate and socialise with other men (in real life, while I feel much more relaxed in forums like this one). On the other hand, I always communicated easily with women. In a way, women were reserved for romance. But nothing more and nothing far from that. Objectifying women was strictly forbidden in my mind. So I had to redirect my sexual energy to something that was not forbidden - or what was unthinkable, that is to say, to men or to myself.

For a long time I wondered why in all genres of porn and fantasizing that I enjoyed, the common thing is that I was humiliated. I wondered why for me is not pleasurable usual form of lust? I think the roots lie in the the fact that I was emotionally neglected. As hard as I can, I can not get out of my memory any kind of sexual abuse or trauma. But I can recall a few pretty weird memories. Even as a kid before puberty I felt a few time urge for exhibitionism. Or better to say, I remember that once I went to forest, I felt urge to walk naked in forest. When with few kids we went to bath to river, I had urge to bath naked. I remember when we were playing football and one kid pantsed another, they were fighting after that, but I was fantasizing in my mind to be the one who was pantsed and humiliated. I remember very blurry that as little kids we were playing doctor naked and that another boy get erection and thet I fold down his penis and run away. I was stupid idiot, probably I hurt him. I remember very blurry when I was a little boy that my mom try to put me in bath tube, where was my father, but then something happened, I suppose I was shocked of his penis or I get erection? I remember how humiliated I felt when my mom took me the doctor for phimosis. I remember hurting me while he was pulling my foreskin, I wanted to go home as soon as possible after that, but my mom had long talk at waiting room. All this indicate that there could be some kind of sexual abuse or stimulus, but I can’t pull out certain trigger, much more from that.

But with certainty I can argue that I was emotionally neglected. Both by father and mother. My father humiliated me, and my mother discouraged me. I forgive all this to them, I do not mind them; and they themselves were probably wounded and rejected, they had to fight for their own existence, they were not taught or raised, not being aware of their children's needs, and not being able to adequately educate them. And here I will not remember their good and positive qualities, which certainly was there, but I will only recall those negative situations in which I was emotionally neglected, at least I can see it such way.

And, whatever my childhood and behavior is, it's behind me and it does not have to bother me. I am a free man today, free of my parents. Whatever it was, it was, they are dead and our relationship in that sense no longer exists. I do not have to wear that burden further in my life. On the contrary, I have to get rid of it so I can live freely for the rest of my life, so I would not make the same mistake with my children.

Still.

My father never embraced me, kissed me, slashed me, jerked on my shoulder, said something encouraging, showed me that I am important to him in any way, caring for me, never talking to me about his initiative, never showing interest to me in any view. As hard as I can, I can not get such scenes from memory. He did not allow me to enter his company, whether he would invite me to his company or to the company of men. He often mocked me, humiliated me, laughed at me, was surprised how I did not know something to do what he expect from me. He often talked about how when he was in my age …

I do not remember longing in my childhood for a real, different father, I think I was just unhappy with that my father did not like me, that I am trouble to him in his life, and I was sick, and I was really hurt by his ignoring me with most commonly speaking, with unhappy jokes, which humiliates me so much, mocks me and offends me. I never ran to him to hug me. On the contrary, I always feared how our communication would look, how long it would last before he was ridiculed, before he said something unpleasantly. I was afraid of his reaction and I felt uncomfortable in his vicinity. We have never been close and open.

My mother was convinced that she was doing good to me, that she encouraged me discouraging me. She was afraid I would be demotivated and I would not do anything to boast, if she would please me. So she never praised or encouraged me for anything. Whatever I would do, in order to be attempt her recognition, she was never satisfied, there would always be some disadvantage by her opinion and nothing was good enough for her. And if I had push her in the corner and she could no longer deny that I had done something good, that I had succeeded in doing so, then my success would be diminished, she assured me that it was maybe good, but - there were always at least a few buts, now that the thing is over and now it is necessary to focus all the forces on other, new jobs, to leave my own success behind me, no longer think of it, to discuss it. I think that she acted with good intent, she believed it was the best motivation to always spit forward. She was not aware that she was cracking me in this way, making me an emotionally unstable, emotional cripple. When I became older, I realized that in a strange, sickly way, she was jealous of my success in life, because by acknowledging my success, she would come to the notice of her failures. She compared my successes with her unsuccessful life and her successes got worse, jealous of me and my achievements.

There were more situations in which my parents would have to expose themselves to protect me, my brother and my sister, and instead they pushed me into these nasty and humiliating situations, while they actually hid them behind me. Although I was asking them not to put me in such situation, they did not give up. And after these discomforts and humiliations were over - then they pretend as it was my fault, as I had been humiliated because of my guilt. Now I know that humiliations could not have been avoided, and they used me to be humiliated instead of them being humiliated. And they made me feel that I was guilty of this, and they pretend as if it was difficult time for them but it was inevitable for my good.

Then, at the end of puberty, came those witches who had dressed in the mask of the fairy tales that had changed the terms of be humble and humiliated; they convinced me that I needed to live and work like neither they lived or worked. I absolutely hate the other people's hypocrisy and manipulating other people.

Be obedient, be humble, if necessary, accept humiliation and you will be rewarded. But no! Not only was there no prize, but instead of a reward came fraud and betrayal! At best ignore. I wanted to be obedient and I agreed to be humble - but I also wanted that award, I was eager for it: I wanted to feel accepted, wanted to feel I belonged, wanted to feel loved and desirable, I wanted to get a confirmation that what I'm doing is right.

In 1st Cor. 4:17 Paul writes to the Corinthians that Timothy, his beloved and faithful son, sends him to them. Timothy was obedient and humble, stable, calm and trustworthy. I was longing to be Timothy. But I did not have my own Paul. I did not want to be Paul, I wanted to be Timothy. I longed to have a mentor, just as Timothy had Paul.

Pornography and fantasy have enabled me to experience and enjoy the things which I missed, for which I longed for in the real world. There I could have fantasized about my “mentors” whom I listened to, I'm available to whom I belong, who accept me, encourage me... even if they want me to be humiliated, I am completely at their disposal.

Regarding my insane porn taste, I think that answer is in Stockholm syndrome: What happens is that the individuals psyche is damaged by the abuse, and in order to repair that breach, the psyche sexualizes the problematic input, thus rendering it bearable. So while another person (my parents) is responsible for the harm, there is no actual causative link to the person who later comes to play out the part of abuser (actors in gay porn), for the person affected by this form of sexual misdirection.

I hope that I will learn during these exercises how to finally leave that burden behind myself.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2019 8:08 am 
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Lesson 17 Exercise:
I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. It is important that you understand the principles involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals...so if you are not comfortable with this concept, ask questions! Also, recognize that the elements listed above are not the only elements associated with compulsive behavior. And so, you will want to identify those elements that are specifically related to YOUR compulsive behavior.


This is quite an awkward exercise. The recall of my memory caused me to fantasize, which I had to struggle to resist.

I was involved in 3 compulsive behaviors as in
Masturbation through Pornography
Fantasizing
Exhibitionism

I began to watch pornography regularly to comfort myself after I had an insult, rejection, misunderstanding, disenchantment, etc. or when I have done something I knew is wrong, sinful, omission, error, offense etc. in real life. I wanted to put away feelings of disappointment, sadness, dissatisfaction, anger, guilt etc. I only watched vids and pictures, without sound, because I was afraid somebody could hear sounds or maybe I will not hear if somebody will approach me. I was sure I will be able to close porn tabs if someone would come suddenly. (VISUAL SENSORY STIMULATION). I prefered humiliation type videos, I would feel the sense of powerlessness and hopelessness being humiliated in different ways. I felt complete under their control. I always identify with bottomised, sodomised, submitted or in some other way humiliated actor (FANTASY). I loved the feeling of penis being fully aroused by just watching porn, without touching it, without using my hand. I planned to masturbate till orgasm in grand finale but sometimes happens that my penis get limp before planned peak, what made me angry and later worry. A few time I was so horny that I ejaculate hands free what get me extraordinary pleasure orgasm what I wanted to repeat. I would frequently delay my orgasms. When I decide to masturbate, I made it very quickly because I wanted to enjoy orgasm as soon as possible. Is this the case that absence of TOUCH Sensory Stimulation produces pleasure? At the end of my session I would NOT FEEL shame or guilt. I assured myself that all men are watching porn and masturbating so PMO is something usual and normal. Rather I would feel satisfaction because of my revenge to people who hurt me in real life (PAST and POWER). As I explained in Lesson 16, when I felt that someone expect from me to be obedient, humble, and maybe also humiliated, then I also expect to get reward because I accepted to be sacrificed. But if I was rejected or just misunderstanded, I felt that something is wrong and I wanted to repair my feelings. Using porn and fantasizing I repeated feelings of rejection or some kind of humiliation, but now with added feelings of arousal, pleasurable, which ended with extremely pleasurable orgasm. Feelings fixed, damage fixed, now in watching porn and fantasizing I get reward for being humiliated, what was missed in real life. For that reason I did not feel shame of guilt, but victorious. I assured myself that all men are watching porn and masturbating anyway. However, I still felt bad because I became aware how many hours I procrastinated, and I doubted if this is best way to heal my wounds and I slowly became aware of all other dangers which could happened during or due to my porn session. When I try to avoid such sessions, but they still happened, although I resisted this and I did not want it, then I get angry because I have not sufficient self-control. I became to aware of this mechanism after I accept that this kind of solving problem, bad feelings is insane and that I am addict - after I start to recover.

When I was having difficulty coping with a problem or when I was not wanting doing something, I learned to switch to multitask mode. I would work what I do not want, but at the same time I would daydreaming my fantasies. I recall the memory of my favorite porn scene and plan a session after I get rid of what I do not want but I have to work. It just keep me high and in good mode, but without intention to masturbate. Probably it is kind of edging. Sometimes I binge after such fantasizing in PMO, but sometimes, when I finished with repulsive job, my fantasy session just faded away so I did not need to finish it with PMO. (FANTASY, POWER, SUSPENSE, DANGER, delayed ACCOMPLISHMENT). I often fantasizing about walking naked in nature where there were no people around to watch me. (FANTASY, POWER, DANGER, RISK).

Very often I fantasize about my body and especially my penis: how it would be to circumcise it, pierce it, tattooing it, wearing chastity cage, extend foreskin, tape it, scar or brand it, mutilate it, cut head of penis or entire penis with or without balls etc. When fantasizing such way, I focus only to myself or my genitals, there are no other people in my fantasizing. Such imaginations gave me very intense pleasure. (AUTOEROTICISM, DANGER, RISK, POWER).

Although I have practiced ekshibitionism exclusively on official or unofficial but usual nudist beaches, ie in places where there is no forbidden to be naked, ie in places where other people are naked and other people expect that there will be naked people, that you will be naked, where they can became suspicious if you are not naked, I believe that my behavior is exhibitism, as defined herein. Even a few months before the start of the summer, I would start to wonder and fantasize how will I walk and show off at the nudist beach. These were different scenarios, most often mixed with my favorite pornographic genre, in which I imagined that some men would entice me, cheat, humiliate, rape, etc. When I finally got the chance, and it was only a couple of days or hours, I was almost all the time walking from one end to the other (cruising), waiting for some excitement. I was afraid to watch naked women (and children) so I look away from them. But I wanted to compare my body and my penis with other men. I did it discreetly. I avoided larger groups. It was the greatest excitement to go near the men in lonely places. I enjoyed the excitement, I felt like my heart hurts faster, the faster I breathe, how I sweat. But I was afraid I would not get an erection. But if there was a man or more men in sight, but without a women, then I walked with an erection, and if some of them would look significantly at me, I would shrug my shoulder meaning, well, it happened, you probably understand me. Sometimes I have either deliberately sat up or lay down with the erection knowing that men would walk and see me there. (DANGER, RISK, FEAR, SUSPENSE, POWER, FANTASY, PAST). Once one man noticed me, approach to me and ask me if I would go away with him where we can play game with another man or men. Obviously this would be sex games. I refused, thought it was tempting. Sometimes I only enjoy walking naked when there was no people at the nudist beaches, i.e. on sunset or eve, when everybody already went from beach.

Beside walking, watching and fantasizing, I enjoy being naked because I like the feeling when you feel wind all over your body, especially over your genitals. I like swim naked because of similar feeling, too. When you wear swimwear, your penis is clutched in one place, but when you swim naked, you can feel how a jet or wave of water is driving, caress your penis. I also like heat of the sun on my body and on my genitals. These are very pleasant feelings, but I do not feel the need to turn them into something sexually. And these are the feelings that did not come under my influence, but I feel them when I leave the natural wind, water and suns. When I'm on plain beaches and I wear a swimsuit, then that feeling is not complete and I often long to be naked in the open because of this feeling that I leave my body, including genitals, to wind, sun and water. (SENSORY TOUCH or abstinence of touch?).


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2019 4:47 pm 
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Lesson 18 Exercise:

II. Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.


Basically, here is a summary of what has been more widely written here https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/miscell ... days-porn/: dopamine - reward circuitry - seeking and searching for rewards - novelty - strong emotions such as guilt, disgust, embarrassment, anxiety & fear - anything that violates expectations: shock, surprise, or more than we could have imagined - sensitization and desensitization - escalation and rewiring etc.

PMO I usually watch 1 to 3 hours until I ended with ejaculation/orgasm. Exactly as described, orgasm was threshold: after orgasm, my arousal fade out. I used to delay orgasm, but I was more horny as I was closer to peak, to orgasm. This is time fiter. I usually started with substitute sites like sexy underwear, next pictures and then vids, from vanilla to hard BDSM. This could be also intensity and habituation filter. Sometimes I just jumped to hard porn after fantasizing a lot. Sometimes lack of novelty made me angry and sometime slow internet made me angry too, so I quitted session before planned peak.

When I fantasizes, usually something triggers fantasizing. For instance, I was obsessed with chastity cage so I google for picture and read stories with it and fantasizing for days and even weeks how I will order one and how I would lock myself and so on. I alternate fantasizing because of habituation filter, as time passed, intensity of pleasure from fantasizing about wearing cage get higher (intensity filter), and if I did not masturbate, such fantasies could continue for week. In other case, something other triggered me so instead of fantasizing of wearing chastity cage I started to fantasizing about piercing my penis - by the same template. Fantasizing with alternate details but according same template. As time passed, more intensity with added novelty in fantasizing. I think that the point is that thanks to habituation filter, due which I always add novelty, intensity filter made my arousal higher over time.

The worst experience was when I was sure that I can not live any more with my genitals, I was convinced that I had to do penectomy in near future, otherwise I will get mad and sick, my life is without sense until I will make penectomy and only meaning of my life is get rid of my genitals. Logically I understood that this would for sure totally ruin my life, everything in my life, but my desire for cut my dick was so strong that I believed this is real me, the one who will be miserable whole life until I let my dick be cut off. I believed that I will not be happy until I will do penectomy. Fantasizing about exposing my dickless self at nudist beach or locker room made me extremely arousal. Although arousal was extremely high and pleasurable, due anticipation and risk, I got it that something went terribly wrong and then finally I discovered nofap.com and become aware that I was addict for long time.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2019 5:44 pm 
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Lesson 19 Exercise:
There is only a call to deepen your awareness of how you go about deriving stimulation in your day-to-day life. For the rest of today...and for all of tomorrow...become 'hyper-aware' of the healthy and unhealthy rituals that you engage in — as you are engaging in them. Become hyper-aware of all rituals you engage in over the next few days. Do not limit this awareness to sexually compulsive rituals... or even to compulsive rituals. Explore all of your actions for their 'ritualistic' nature. Brushing your teeth. Eating. Driving to work. Become conscious of your thoughts/feelings as you complete these rituals.


I can easily notice my daily routine. As I wake up, short pray and I prepare my tea and breakfast. Preparing to go to work: taking keys from usual place, pack my stuff to my backpack. I pray half rosary during going to work. Waiting for bus. Arriving to work. Turn on computer, changing keys, going to changing room, changing shoes, leaving coat. Going to kitchen, preparing coffee, adding the same ingredients. Returning to workplace, staring usual programs. Working. Taking break, eating usual things, almost the same every week. Drinking tea. Cleaning my desk at the end of the work, changing shoes, taking coat, preparing my stuff to backpack, changing keys. Going to bus, pray another half of rosary. Coming to home. Leaving keys in usual place. Taking off coat and shoes. Changing clothes to more comfortable. Talking with wife and children how we spent our day. Finishing lunch and eating. Resting after lunch while reading Bible according reading plan. Taking a nap. Working out if it is my day for working out. Reading books, watching TV, surfing internet or doing some additional work. Preparing to sleep. Those are main rituals that I do almost every day. But I can not notice emotions which are behind this rituals? Should I search for emotions, feelings in this exercise or just notice rituals?

Last three years, as I try to get rid of my unhealthy PMO addiction, I have pretty much success regarding watching porn and masturbation. I stopped wanting for watching porno, longing for porn. Also I can now take shower without getting boner, comparing before when I used to masturbate at the end of almost each shower. But I struggle with unwanted thoughts which I can not get rid off. Usually I can live calm three or four weeks without any longing for porn or without any urge for masturbate - or I can easily manage this urge by telling me that it is normal to feel this urge and this is normal sexual energy that I have, it is proof that I am normal and healthy, but it is not acceptable for me to use this sexual energy wrong way. But then unwanted thoughts begin to mumble and besiege me, and I can not drift away. It's like I'm drawn to some movies that I can not get out of. I am aware that this is not good for me, but the fact that I'm aware of is not helpful to me. It's as if someone or something took control of me and started managing my consciousness. I'm starting to feel a growing mental pain and the only way out for relief of this pain seems to let go of those unwanted thoughts rule over me. Most often it is something related to my penis or with some imagination as others humiliate and sexually exploit me. When I finally surrender, I feel big high of dopamine, pleasure, thrill, wish to complete pleasure with PMO ant then finally relief. And guilt, of course, feeling of failure, angry because I lost control over my body. I can not find out what the triggers are, what emotions or situations triggers my such behavior and why it lasts for several days and even weeks. During such phases, I can briefly relax and stop thinking about it if I focus heavily on a job or look at a tense film, but as soon as this activity ceases, sick and unwanted thoughts are beginning to obsess me again and I start to feel the spiritual and/or emotional pain again if I resist them. At the end I am not able to resist to them any more.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2019 5:07 am 
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Hi SM,

Quote:
Those are main rituals that I do almost every day. But I can not notice emotions which are behind this rituals? Should I search for emotions, feelings in this exercise or just notice rituals?

The object of this exercise is to try and record what your healthy and unhealthy rituals are. You have done a good job of recognise what your healthy daily rituals ordinarily are and these represent habits that you have developed over time which are good.

You mention that these healthy rituals last for 3 or 4 weeks at a time and then you enter in a phase of unhealthy rituals (e.g. PMO). What you might find helpful at this time is to reflect on when an unhealthy rituals start. What is it that triggers it? Is it usually because there is a change in your emotional state at that time for some reason? Perhaps you are stressed by something, or angry or bored or something else? There is likely to be something that happens which triggers your change in emotional state. It would be helpful for you to perhaps think back to the last time it happened and see if you can identify a change in your emotional state (e.g. an argument with your wife, a problem at work, etc) which might have triggered it. At this stage, the exercise is simply trying to make you more aware of what is happening to you in both healthy and unhealthy ways before you then move on to helping you manage those unhealthy times. I am sure that you will gain some real benefit of putting some time into this.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2019 4:01 pm 
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Hi L2R!

Thank you for your help and insight! I feel happy to know I can count that someone will give mi advice in this forum. :)

learningtorun wrote:
What you might find helpful at this time is to reflect on when an unhealthy rituals start. What is it that triggers it? Is it usually because there is a change in your emotional state at that time for some reason? Perhaps you are stressed by something, or angry or bored or something else? There is likely to be something that happens which triggers your change in emotional state.


Well, this exactly seems the bigeest problem for me: I can not notice what triggers unwantet thoughts which usually lead to relaps. For instance, after my last relaps, next day all of unwanted thoughts faded away and I felt free from them. I did not feel any urge comparing with last seven of 10 days. Then, next day I was under huge stress due to my boss. I cudn't focus to my job, cup of coffee dropped from my hand, I felt ache in my stomach and get diarrhea, exactly how you act under huge stress. Still, not for a moment I wanted for comfort myself with PMO. One could suppose that huge stress probabbly very likely lead to comfort with PMO. But not for me this time. My problem was in real life and I wanted to confront with it in real life. I was in so huge stress so I did not have time to wast in fantasizing, to run away. I had to find some solution, and after two days I finally have some. Without fantasizing, without PMO. I thint this is good example how one can manage stress without relapse. Why then something invisible triggers unwanted thoughts - it look so mysterious right now for me?

learningtorun wrote:
At this stage, the exercise is simply trying to make you more aware of what is happening to you in both healthy and unhealthy ways before you then move on to helping you manage those unhealthy times. I am sure that you will gain some real benefit of putting some time into this.


This will probably look shabby, well-groomed, and maybe that's part of my problem. I live a fairly ordinary life and I do not see the unhealthy ritual with me. I do not smoke, I do not drink, I do not gamble, I have never tried a marijuana or a any kind of drug, I workout regularly, I count sleep enough, I eat healthy, I have a healthy body weight, to other people I try to be smiling and good manner, I am patient with demanding people, I have a successful career, a relatively well paid job, I am not in debt, I have completed a loan, I have good children and a beautiful woman... looks wonderful, perfect. And for next two or three weeks I will easy manage problems with anger, dissapontment, being tired and so on. I will not try to comfort this bad feelings with PMO. I learned last three years how to deal with them without relaps.

I think that maybe is possible that I just simply get saturated with such bored and plain lifestyle. My inner brain starve for some action, thrill, advanture, novelty, and as I do not experience it in real life, then my inner brain forced me to experience it in daydreaming, fantasizing.

Besides going through next lessons in recoverynation.com, I equipped with some new books, just hope to find time to read it. Maybe someone have some experience and recommendation for:
- You Are Not Your Brain
- Wired-for-Intimacy-How-Pornography-Hijacks-the-Male-Brain
- Wild at Heart_ Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul - John Eldredge
- Why you should NEVER masturbate_ - David Baldwin
- When Young Men Are Tempted. Sexual Purity for Guys in the Real World - William Perkins,Randy Southern
- Treating-Pornography-Addiction-The-Essential-Tools-for-Recovery
- Treating-out-of-control-sexual-behavior-rethinking-sex-addiction
- The_Dude's_Guide_to_Manhood
- The Power of Habit_ Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business - Charles Duhigg+
- The Masculine Mandate_ God's Calling to Men - Richard D. Phillips
- The Gift of Our Compulsions_ A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Acceptance and Healing - Mary O’Malley
- The Addictive Personality_ Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior - Craig Nakken
- Sex-and-Pornography-Addictions - Christine Wilcox
- Pure Eyes_ A Man's Guide to Sexual Integrity - Craig Gross
- Porn-again-Christian-a-frank-discussion-on-pornography-masturbation
- Plugged Into Porn_ Guide To Breaking The Bad Habits Of Pornography And Masturbation Addiction - Tony Sayers
- How Family Men Can Use Willpower, Faith And Godly Principles To Overcome Porn And Lust
- Hide or Seek_ When Men Get Real With God About Sex - John Freeman
- Healing_the_Wounds_of_Sexual_Addicti [Mark_Laaser]
- Getting-Off-Pornography-and-the-End-of-Masculinity
- Christian Men Can Overcome Sexual Temptation Forever - Corey Parsons
-


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2019 6:08 pm 
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Who am I fooling about? Porn is not the cause, nor source of my problems, porn it is the result of my problems, of my miserable life. Porn is my space for freedom and pleasure. If I want to get rid of those addictions, I should find a replacement for the porn. I often feel in the real world like I'm imprisoned. In my daily life I feel so little pleasure and so little freedom. I do a job that I do not really like. I can convince myself that I like my job, but I would take similar approach to any job I would do. I'm surrounded by people I do not appreciate, and they despise me, my boss is an idiot. I could convince that they have great potential, but I am sick of waiting for that potential start working. Customers are thoughtful, arrogant and egocentric, they think only of themselves and their earnings. OK, I understand that customer is king and that my salary depend on him, but I am sick of being slave to them. I always have to worry about my children and my wife and her illness. I am constantly questioning whether I am giving enough for charity purposes, but I never have a sincere appreciation. My ecclesial community is not a community, but a group of individuals who use it to cure their own complexes. I am sick of being good listener all the time and never be in position to say something. I can not do anything I want to do as I always have to keep in mind that I do not accidentally hurt someone else, not to say something wrong to understand, and no one cares what I think and how I feel. And no one cares if he or she would hurt me. I always have to understand, and they do not have to. I do not manage my time, because I have to be constantly available to others and take care of the needs of others. What about the end of the day? Where can I find little pleasure, peace and freedom? In porn, of course. Or at least in my daydreaming, fantasizing. There, I can finally do whatever I want, whatever is forbidden in my real life. And I can enjoy, ignoring others, not taking into account what others will say or think. If I only give up porn or fantasizing, what else is left to me for feeling free and pleasure? That is huge problem. I should find out something what would replace this function of porn: freedom and pleasure. I should find something in real life where I will feel free and I could feel pleasure, joy or some kind of happiness. Or I should find out how to change approach to certain things which can give me feeling of freedom and pleasure instead of porn.


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PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2019 3:38 am 
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Lesson 20

I took a break for several months. I did not give up. In the meantime, I read several books on addiction to pornography. I did not masturbate or watch pornography, but it was days I had to wrestle with unwanted thoughts, and some times the painful erections woke me up in the middle of the night. There were easier and more difficult days there. I wanted to be sure I did not want to sit in two chairs, so I took a break.

Basically, when I had to face unwanted thoughts, it helped me when I told myself: I do not want to give up that pleasure, which unwanted thoughts attracts me to, because I will then find myself in a lose/lose situation. If I do not realize my weird wishes, I will suffer, and if I realize my weird wishes, I will again suffer. Therefore, I prefer to live peacefully and without suffering, rather to give up the pleasure that brings me suffering. In fact, resisting unwanted thoughts also often causes suffering. But I prefer to decide for this type of suffering, but for what I have mentioned before.

1) Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date. Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it...

I am not sure if I’ve done this exercise properly. Basically, I think that I actually replaced natural, normal way of practicing need for sex or urge for sex with porn, masturbation and fantasizing. There are many different incentives I have previously explored why this has come to pass: I was shy, insecure, emotionally molested etc. and I found pleasure in watching porn and masturbate more intense and more pleasurable, than putting efforts to interaction with other people.

2) Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce. Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a child. Loss of a job...What would it feel like for addiction to come back into your life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would you look for? What actions would you take?

I am pretty sure that this kind of danger is behind myself, because I faced with such challenges a few years ago. Then I began to think about making a step forward, to try to realize my fantasies. Now I am pretty determined that I want to get rid of my addiction, no matter of possible bad consequences in future. I am pretty sure about that, because I used to comfort with porn and masturbation when I had to deal with bad feeling like rejection, betray or similar, but recently I learn not to comfort myself such way and I am proud that for months I didn't even think about comforting myself such way when I have such feelings.


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PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2019 3:13 pm 
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Lesson 21 Exercise:
A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

Since my youth I was craving for strong, open, intimate friendship, i.e brotherhood with some man with whom I could be completely sincere. I would care for him, I would help him in bad time, be supportive, shoulder for crying etc, and I could rely to him, too. I was never successful in establishing such friendship. I think it is because I never become emotionally mature.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?
I am very successful in my work. I got better in my career than I planned because I was dealing with work with excellence.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

I will make list of music I prefer, every month I will add 10-20 my favorite music to my youtube channel and I will listen to related music that Shazam offer to me. I understand the danger of comfort zone, but I feel like overburdened form attempting staying sober and I need to relax better way than POM or fantasizing.


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PostPosted: Tue May 21, 2019 5:18 pm 
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Lesson 22 Exercise:
1. Consider a very simple ritual that you have engaged in.

2. Identify three or four elements of that ritual (e.g. physical sensory stimulation; danger; orgasm; accomplishment).

3. For each element, assign a relative number for the amount of stimulation you think you derive from this particular element. These numbers are relevant only to you and in relation to other elements that you experience.

4. For each element, consider the effects of each of the three filters on the stimulation derived from that element. Does it increase the stimulation? Decrease the stimulation? Have no effect? Have a mixed effect (as in, sometimes it increases, other times it decreases)?.

5. Share the above in your personal recovery thread.


I think I can easily identify the main elements, but I find it very difficult to apply three filters to them. I do not even know if I did this well.

1. I accidentally saw the advertisement for men's swimwear. It's a trigger for starting fantasy.
Sensory (visual) element value 1
Time: this element last only few seconds - so it couldn’t come close to threshold - in this case is should get low number, 2 or 3. But, in other hand, in just a few second, this element started trigger, so should I concluded that it was close to threshold and give it high number, 8 to 10, because next element is activated to bypass threshold? Which of this is correct?
Intensity: Obviously it was a great intensity, because I could not resist, not to activate the fantasy. Let it be 8.
Habituation: here is problem, again. Very often happened that when I accidentally saw advertisement for men’s underwear, it triggered me to fantasizing. Because it is very familiar to me, I should be habituated to it, so number should be low like 3 or 4. But, in other hand, considering that this is still powerful trigger to fantasizing, should I concluded that I am still not habituated to is and give it high number like 7 to 10?


2. I'm starting to fantasizing how I would dress the underwear that I saw in the advertisement on the beach to make it transparent when it become wet so people can see my genitals under swimwear.. Curiosity and Fantasy value 3
Time: I was fantasizing little longer that in previous element and again switch to next element, so i can concluded that time element was far from reaching threshold - so I give to this element number 4
Intensity: Thrill from fantasizing of being exposed by wet and transparent swimwear was very intense, so I suppose this filter should be with high number like 7.
Habituation: I often fantasize about such situation, but still I feel high so I can conclude that I am not habituated enough to get bored, so number should be more high than low, like 6

3. The imagination is developing further. Real thrill in not only to be seen in transparent wet swimwear, but also be seen naked. In my fantasy I could change my swimwear in beach without towell for a long time so other people could see me naked.
Danger/Risk Power Suspense 3
Time: Maybe this element was little closer to threshold, so I give it next number 5.
Intensity: More powerful intensity comparing with previous element, so higher number: 8
Habituation: I often fantasize about such situation, but still I feel high so I can conclude that I am not habituated enough to get bored, so number should be more high than low, like 6

4. Fantasy changed. I need more thrill, so I started to fantasizing about riskier and dangerous scenario. I would go to the clothing optional beach. I would get naked there. I would walk the paths where dressed people walk, they could see me naked. I suppose some of them did not expect seen naked people along this path. The more risky and dangerous my walking is, I feel more thrill.
Suspense, Danger, Risk, Power 3
Time: I spent long lasting time fantasizing such scenario, I suppose I was closer to peak comparing with previous elements. I give number 8
Intensity: More powerful intensity comparing with previous element, so higher number: 9
Habituation: I often fantasize about such situation, but still I feel high so I can conclude that I am not habituated enough to get bored, so number should be more higher like 7

5. I could get an erection, which I could not hide, others would make me scared, mocking. Or, even better, I could wear a chastity cage so other people would laugh. Or they even can humiliated me or get angry because chastity cage is sex toy, and not beach equipment.
Power 3
Time: this fantasy lasted shorter, but was very intense, close to peak, number 8
Intensity: very powerful thrill: number 9
Habituation: not habituated yet: 8

6. Further imagination evolves into all the stronger forms in which I would be humiliated and ridiculed. The more drastic I would be humiliated, the more excited I was.
Power, Danger, Risk, Suspense. Power 3
Time: 10
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 10

7. I felt high because I let my fantasy developed.
Accomplishment 2
Time: Should be 0, because my fantasizing ended with accomplishment, or high number, because I felt high?
Intensity: feeling was good, but not as much as in previous stages, let bi 5
Habituation: Am I used to finish my fantasizing with accomplishment? So should be low number like 2?

8. Feelings of disappointment and anger, because I again procrastinated time, I again alienate from real life, I again poisoned my brain, I again I have increased the desire to do things that are not in line with my values. And now again I'm longing for something I do not want longing.
Past 1
Time: Threshold is reached? Number 0
Intensity: I feel intensively feelings such anger and disappointment. Number 7
Habituation: This ending of fantasy is very familiar but inevitable, so number should be low like 1


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