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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2020 9:16 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hello Dan

Quote:
If I have not isolated my emotion, I may have done things that are not a part of my value list such as excessive playing of video games, etc.


:g:
you chose well
remember that and embrace it
feels good doesn't it
and it was not difficult so keep to your values as emotions come and go

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2020 6:09 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 95
Lesson 53: Decision Making: Making the Decision

A.
Masturbation would be against my values if I am using it as a way to make myself sleep or when I know that I have unspent energy within my body and used masturbation as a way to get rid of it. Masturbation is also against my values if I am using it as a way to fantasize women, whether if I met them in person, I saw them online and have not direct relationship with them.
I will consider masturbation as a healthy act if I would have a romantic partner and we would have a time that we are apart from each other and we call each other and are both horny, and we will explore a way to release our sexual energy for each other, which may lead to masturbation (sex on phone, or video calls, etc, use imagination on what may happen). I think, for me, that’s the only consideration that I will make that masturbation is a healthy act for me. When I have a partner that we both need a sexual release for each other when we are apart.

B.
I have used women that I have no romantic relationship with as a way to release my sexual energy.
I have this one friend (a woman, still a good friend of mine today), I have showed her cues that I was sexually or romantically attracted to her in the past (though, I was not really into her so much and I was just looking for a way to release my sexual energy). And for a month, I’ve tried to get close to her. There were times that she went to my place and some romantic things happened between the two of us with me using her as a release of my sexual energy without her knowledge that I was just using her for my own purpose. I used manipulation to get her close to me, and when I received what I want to have, I just dumped her and lied to her about things that happened. The event that I have done made me feel so bad about myself and was very demeaning for my character and conscience. Now, we are still friends, and have communication with each other, I may have times that I slipped and shared some flirty lines with her, but I am setting the boundaries and still learning to stop when things get out of our boy girl friend relationship.
Another memory was about a woman I met when I was doing my training in a certain place far from my city. I met her, I managed to get her name and added her online. I was really attracted to her and showed so much signs that I really like her. I was very fast, I was very into her that time and she was receptive of what I am feeling for her without getting to know her fully. We’ve been talking, calling each other, chatting for almost 2 months and I was not really liking her emotional side or her emotional features. I again used deceit and lies to cut ties with me and her, I basically, again used a woman as a release of my sexual energies and emotional frustrations. Now, sometimes we chat each other and she and I learned the hard way, we both have hurt each other but I know, it was much harder for her due to my actions. I wasted another probable good connection with a woman, if I have been more careful and have used values and boundaries in making decisions when sharing my thoughts, ideas and self with her.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2020 6:21 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 95
Yes Coach, thank you.

I know I’m just starting to take those steps toward a healthier life. But I’m just happy. That time after I jogged around the neighborhood I felt more relaxed and clear about my thoughts. It does really is an internal process. A healthier life is a choice that I, can only make a choice to make it happen.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2020 6:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 95
Lesson 54: Decision Making: Assessing the Consequences

A. Value Based Decision that Led to NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES
Last year, I have shared from past posts that I reviewed for my board exam. I value getting a high score on it and even aimed to become one of those people in the top ten. I made plans. I made schedules to what I need to review on a certain day and time. I FORCED myself to stick with my schedule and goals (that was the only thing that I know back then, and I was wrong). I haven’t took care of other values of my life. My physical self was degraded, even my emotional self, I have disconnected with my friends, I have isolated myself to have time to study and study.
Though I passed, and had a score, that for me is good enough, I could have managed to have a higher score, and had a healthy life style back then if I have took care of other values that where part of my life. I could have still been close to my friends, I could have been more emotionally in tune with myself if I had not pushed myself and only depended on my will power to continue studying.


B. Emotion Based Decision that Led to POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES
I love playing my guitar. And it seems that I have been using it as an outlet of my emotions. About once or twice a week, I have this emotion based decision wherein I would go outside or to a place where no one can interrupt me and just let my emotions flow through out of me by playing songs with my guitar. This leads me to relax myself and just release the tension that I am feeling at that moment. After playing for an hour or more, does not need to be a long time (maximum would be 2 hours of playing my guitar), I would have a renewed sense of myself, a better way of interacting with the people around me and a sense of relaxation and happiness.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Sun May 03, 2020 8:32 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 95
Stage 4: Urge Control
Lesson 58: Constructing Reactive Action Plans

Action Plan #1: Stressed from Work or School Overwhelms Me.
Possible Situation:
I had a new work or I enrolled to a new school. I need to make adjustments again on how will I balance out my life. Making new friends. Talking to new people. Getting to know my boss or professors. Doing the things provided to me. New responsibilities. New time management strategy needed. And I would feel overwhelmed by the things that I need to manage. Stress and anxiety kicks in and I would feel and urge to act out and return to my old ways of decision making.

Common Outcome:
Based on past experience, I have been always overwhelmed by things since I want to do them perfectly. My interactions with people. The things that I do for work. My plan and my time schedule. But these things are wrong. I am not perfect and I should accept that.

Desired Outcome:
Properly balance out things that I do. Reducing the stress and pressure in me from doing things right and correct all the time. There will always be a learning curve to everything (eg. to learn new things in work, to making friends and getting to know people, to sharing myself until I am comfortable with them, etc.)

Possible Action Plan:
Slowly build up things when I am in a new environment such as school and work. Focus on areas that you are strong first, that you can grasp immediately. Take the time to learn the flow of work and don’t be to hard on yourself when you have things that you don’t understand. Ask for help if necessary, don’t be afraid to become vulnerable and be criticized by other people as this things will make you improve. Slowly talk to new people. Even just one people at a time. Learn to get to know them. Make acquaintances and friends. And reflect each week on what goals do I want to achieve. And what values do I prioritize at those times. Visualize things on how you want them to be, plan, do and then review.

Action Plan #2: I get an opportunity to get into an easy relationship with a woman that I am attracted to without me getting to know her better.

Possible Situation:
In work or in school, I would meet an attractive woman. I approach her and make friends with her. I show hints that I am attracted with her and flirts with her. She reciprocates back and I become excited on sharing things with her and having a relationship with her. My adoration for her physical beauty excites me.

Common Outcome:
Based on my past experience, I am always overwhelmed when I have an opportunity to have a relationship with a woman that I am attracted to. I give hints that I want her and when she does respond or reciprocate in a way that I want, I grab the opportunity and always end up regretting because I have not known her truly or may have used her just an outlet of my emotions and sexual energy.

Desired Outcome:
A slow process of getting to know a person I am attracted to would be the ideal outcome. Yes, I would be attracted to her physically and I would want to show that I am interested with her. However, I should set the pace. I should learn to be subtle and take things slow without me rushing and making decisions based on my emotions. I would want to get to know her first, as a friend, then as a close friend, get to know her background, spend quality time with her, court her respectfully, share my true self with her and get to know her friends. A real connection should be made not just for the sake of my emotional needs but as a way of making real connection.

Possible Action Plan:
Approach her. Talk to her at first and have hints that you are attracted to her. However, be mindful of what you do. Of the things that you do in your relationship. Reflect weekly your interactions with her. Set dates that will make you have the opportunity to get to know her as a person and not as a way of using her as a person. Hang out sometime with her friends. And let her hang out with you when you are with your friends. Ask her sometime to join you in a gym session. Or going shopping. Or to join you in a travel vacation somewhere. Remind yourself of why you are doing this getting to know thing with her. Not for emotional gratification and use, but as a way of knowing her as a person.

Action Plan #3: I fail with making a relationship with a woman that I am attracted to, I become rejected.

Possible Situation:
I initiated a talk with a woman I am attracted to. She seems to ride the conversation and reciprocate ideas. I hint that I am attracted to her and she acts okay about it. I ask her to go out and she accepts. However, after some dates and some time of getting to know her, when I ask her if she want me to be her man, she declines. I would feel sad. I would feel a decline of manliness or a sense of brokenness inside. I can sense that I want to go back to my old ways of handling failure. Of drowning the sadness that I am feeling with my compulsive behavior. Of getting over by managing my emotions and releasing my anger with immediate gratification.

Desired Outcome:
Accept the reality that I was rejected. That my life still moves on even this thing have happened to me. That I can learn from this failure and I can still improve more on myself. Respect her decision and continue to love yourself. Share the situation with your closest friends or cousins or siblings as they would probably comfort you. Don’t be afraid to share your sadness with people, its normal and it is okay to feel sad.

Possible Action Plan:
Make a boundary first to stop romantic ideas with the woman. Try to have distance with her to make yourself heal. But still be a friend or acquaintance with her. Share your emotions and sadness with the close people in your life such as a close friend, a sibling, a cousin or a family member. Go out with someone else that you are comfortable sharing your emotions with. Write in your journal to loose more of the brokenness. Cry in private or with a friend if you want to. And still love yourself. Don’t inflict pain with yourself and continue to improve.

Action Plan #4: I come across in a party or gathering that have alcohol. Unexpected things happen such as flirting of a coworker or a friend which I may look as an opportunity to act against my values.

Possible Situation:
A social gathering happens. A vacation trip with coworkers or friends. A night out with my coworkers. A birthday party or whatever. Social gathering in a bar. And a certain coworker or friend would begin flirting and making sexual innuendos with me. I would feel excited. I would feel pressured to act out with her. Emotions would flood through me, fear of doing the wrong things, plus excitement of having to a fast romantic relationship.

Desired Outcome:
Make a decision based on your values. The urge to take advantage with a coworker/friend or not, would not be dependent on the emotions during that time but with my set of values. Such as respecting her boundary, and that I would know that I should be considering that she might just be affected by the environmental factors and alcohol. Additionally, I should gain pride in making a value based decision as it would strengthen our relationship and trust with each other as a coworker or as a friend.

Possible Action Plan:
First, be proactive to limit your alcohol intake during this events as too much would hinder me from making a value based decision. When this event comes into action, immediately stop her from what she is doing by saying it in a nice way. Or by letting her calm down first and taking care of her without taking advantage.

Action Plan #5: I fail in a certain project in work or school. I would feel so bad about myself and would feel sad about it.

Possible Situation:
A big project fails due to some unforeseen circumstances or due to my lack of experience or knowledge. I would feel bad about myself due to the failure. My boss scolds me or my professor becomes disappointed with what I have done.

Desired Outcome:
If from an unforeseen circumstance that I can’t control. Accept and make of what still remains of the project. Have responsibility but don’t be too hard on yourself. Accept criticism from your bosses or colleagues but don’t take much of the blame and remember that other factors that you cannot control had added to the problem.

If from my lack of experience, in the first place I should have asked for help from someone who have more experience that I am. Or I should have foreseen the consecutive mistakes/failures that are happening. The path to success is a path of continuous small successes. And the path to failure is a path of continuous small failures.

Possible Action Plan:
Reflect on what’s happening on the project weekly. Ask for help with the higher ups if needed. Look for areas of weaknesses in the team and focus on areas that needs to be addressed. Or those areas that are lagging behind in the current situation.

If from an uncontrollable circumstance. I would accept it and have the responsibility of those actions that I need to take. And I would release some of my sadness and problems with close friends and colleagues.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2020 3:22 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 95
A recap, for my month of May. There were many things that I have achieved for this month. I have never felt so productive while I am at home.

I have been almost exercising everyday (even just a small amount of time to exercise, average of 20 mins per day). I have been focusing on my nutrition as I have been cooking meals that would provide me the needed nutrients for my body.

As for my career, I had refined my resume and made the necessary revisions to it. And I have tried applying to different jobs near my hometown. I had my first company to provide me an exam and though the company didn’t provide me my score and other details about my application, I feel joy just from the thought that I am doing something for my life. Though, there were still no companies that have accepted me yet, I am still hopeful and still remain positive that a company will accept me.

For my self improvement, I have been reading a book about childhood trauma and how it affects a child’s way of transitioning to the adult world. Still, I have not finished the book but I am gaining insights and ideas about how can I continue to improve my self.

The morning routine of meditation and clearing out my mind has been ingrained in me. Still, I can improve this by setting goals and finding opportunities to develop my list of selected values and putting action to my plans.

For my relationships, I spend some time with my family. Specially with my two younger siblings. Though, I think I should do something to return our closeness together like how we were in the month of March and those times of quarantine. Right now, I am spending additional time with a cousin of mine, since we are both looking for a job and we currently help each other. Additionally, I have been talking to a friend of mine, and we are currently having some time with each other through online chats and calls. I think I may be attracted to her with true emotions. Though, I am still confused sometimes if this is true or a consequence of my life choices in the past. All I know, and I am sure about is that I am happy when we talk with each other, and we almost spend time talking over the phone for almost an hour everyday of the week. More on what I want to develop is to reconnect with the people that I have shared my life in the past such as my friends in college, high school friends, church mates and those people that I have shared a part of my life with. Additionally, I want also to make connections to new people specially those that will help me achieve my goals and further mu career.

I still fall sometimes, but this month was the most clean that I have been. I hate to admit, that I have done my compulsive behavior twice this month, but I am aware of the alerts that a relapse is coming such as high levels of stress, not having a plan for a day which may lead to boredom or just free wheeling, and when I just feel down and unmotivated. I think, I should focus on making plans to further my values, or building more values that I can hold onto. Additionally, focusing also on doing the things that I have written in my reactive action plans.

Currently, these values make up my foundation.
Value of Self - Physical Health, Exercising and Nutrition, Emotional Health, Spiritual Health and Self Improvement.
Value of Family - My younger siblings and the people that I am living with right now.
Value of Relationship - Small group of friends that I chat with online, and a great friend of mine that I talk to and I open up to currently.
Value of My Hobbies - Things that I do creatively, such as singing songs and playing with my guitar. Sharing time playing basketball with my younger brother. Making meals that out of the ingredients that we have at home.
Value for my Career and Money Making - I want to embark on a journey to gain money for myself now. I want to try to have my own and invest on myself more. To learn new things and make money for myself. Details on what I did can be read in what I have written at the top.

I feel that I need to build more foundation for my life. Specially on making connections with other people. And reestablishing connection with my relatives and old friends.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2020 6:00 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hello Dan
Quote:
I know I’m just starting to take those steps toward a healthier life. But I’m just happy.



I suggest that you could be even happier
but you need to choose to be

Quote:
I still fall sometimes, but this month was the most clean that I have been
. :g: :g:


Quote:
I hate to admit, that I have done my compulsive behavior twice this month
,

yes hate to admit but admit anyway, do not hide from failings step up and beat them, learn from mistakes dont repeat them

Quote:
but I am aware of the alerts that a relapse is coming such as high levels of stress, not having a plan


then set to and make that plan, practice that plan enact that plan
Quote:
I feel that I need to build more foundation for my life.


include this in your plan
this is your life it is not a practice run dont waste it, you are on the right track, stay on it but do keep progressing

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2020 10:41 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 95
Stage 5: Health Maintenance
Lesson 60: Preventing Slips or Relapses

1. Develop A Plan

Action 1: Stress Management
I know from myself that I get frustrated easily and stress overwhelms me. As I have been recalling my past relapses by reading from my journals and documents from the past, I can see that stress makes a good amount of indicators that I am going to slip or relapse. To compensate this, I have found the lesson about boundaries very useful as I am sometimes unable to set healthy boundaries for myself. Additionally, I am reflecting almost each night (even for just a small amount of time) on those areas that I feel stressed or feel imbalanced during the day.

As a supplement also, I am reading about a book regarding regulating emotions, since I feel that I am easily overwhelmed by them. And this book has given me so much insights and provided me exercises on how can I calm my nerves during hard situations.

Action 2: Planning
Planning. That’s were I also see myself prone to relapsing. When I have no plans for a certain week or even sometimes for a certain day. Planning should consist of me thinking of the values that I really want to develop, visualizing that I do those things necessary for my plan, and becoming flexible on the goals that I want to achieve. Every day, after meditating, I am setting values that I want to develop. Now, I want to incorporate more planning into my life. I would be setting a time, even just once a week, after my Weekly Monitoring to have ideas on tackling other areas of my life. On planning on things and values that I want to develop such as expanding my circle of friends etc.

Action 3: Releasing Emotions
Emotions sometimes overwhelms me. Such as sadness and recalling past mistakes. But I found a good and creative way of releasing them. And that would be playing my guitar and singing. Music soothes me during those hard times of overwhelming emotions. And joyfully, music is part of my list of values. That I can develop more to become a part of who I am.

Action 4: Finding the Why
Sometimes, when the initial greatness of the things that I do, such as exercising, meditation, finding careers or socializing wanes of. I forgot the reason behind why I am doing those things and I feel lax on developing on those values more. To rebalance myself and to reconnect with my purpose, I would take a time out and evaluate myself “why” on doing those things.

Action 5: Make It A Habit
Things that are part of the life that I want to be should be done in a consistent manner. This things would become a part of who I am. This is the life that I chose and these things are those things that I want to do. At first, things would be hard to do such as waking up early and doing my morning meditations, but as I continue to build on that thing, it becomes a habit and it becomes a part of me. Now, I don’t need an alarm clock to wake me up at 6 AM and to go to my morning meditations, it just goes through me, and it gives me clarity. Making things a habit should be incorporated on that things that I want to be part of my life. Things that I am currently working on, socializing, reading books, eating healthy, etc.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2020 6:47 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 95
Hi! Good morning friends!

I'm assessing my life. The changes that I have made since I started this workshop. And I see that I have made steps on making myself the man that I wanted to be. I think I have become a better brother to my two younger siblings, sharing myself more to them and sharing habits that I added to my life. I am taking care of myself more, doing things for my physical health, I am eating the right food for my body, and taking enough rest for muscle growth. I have been more social, I have pushed myself to connect with the people around me, I initiated conversations to gain acquaintances that have common interests, have read books on becoming more social. I have journaled a lot and learned so much of who I am, in a way that I have never imagined that I will do in my past. I have been exercising, going to the gym, have trailed with a group of friends riding our bicycles. In general, so much has changed for me.

However, I humbly ask for your help, because of the reason that I still fail. I fail mostly on those times when I am tired (either physically or mentally). I know for myself, that I can breakdown the elements of the behavior, that there is a cue. And then I can make a choice on what decision to make. On times, I do the right thing, executing the planned activities that I visualized when I become aware that I am about to engage compulsively. Other times, I make the wrong choice and end up failing. It is like a loophole for me. Like an ingrained habit, especially when I feel exhausted. A very easy way to get relaxed.

I want to be free from the behavior. I want to be able to abstain from doing it. It seems that it is easy for me to get the high that I wanted whenever I am not thinking much. Right now, I am thinking of getting rid of my Smartphone for a while and changing it to a regular phone that cannot connect to the internet, hoping to really reduce the chance of me committing the same path toward failure. This way, I may rid of the habit, and build a better way to feel relaxed and remove stresses from my life.

I know in the end, it is still my own decision to make. To get rid of the things that hinder me from stepping up toward a better life. Hopefully, there may be some of you, who have the same experience as I am, and ideas that you can share for my current situation. Thank you in advance.

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2020 3:23 am 
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Posts: 95
I think I may have found a clue on why I am still failing based on my previous post.

I was reading Coach L2R's recovery thread. It was pinned in the forum and I think it was for the sake of other people. I have read in one of his posts about healthy recovery patterns that Coach Jon has identified was "They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior."

Before reading, my mindset was the latter. I was thinking that I am doing things for my RECOVERY, not for my HEALTH. I need to exercise for me to release my energy and stay sober. I need to make connections for me to become a normal person. I need to do Weekly Monitoring for me to stay on track of my Recovery. I need to do spend time practicing my guitar for me to fill up time on days when I am bored.

However, with a change of mindset and perception. If I do things that I will do, for my health and for the person that I will be in the future, I will become more fulfilled. Changing my perception will lead me to "I will exercise and eat the right food for my body because I am that person that I want to be", "I will make connections because I want to have people around me that has the same mindset and values that will lead me to my goals and successes" and the list goes on.

I should always remember, that the things that I do now, are the things that I want for myself. The things that I have planned and always wanted to do for myself. That this is the life that I have chosen and the path that I will pursue.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2020 9:46 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 459
Hi Dan,

I was interested to read your post and i think you have certainly stumbled across something valuable there.

I thought you might be interested to hear my take on what i think CoachJon was on about when he said that statement and it is very similar to how you've interpreted but perhaps with some slight nuances. I think the point the he is trying to make is that in the early stages of recovery there is a lot to understand and take on board and then action plans and the like to put in place and rigidly follow. After a while these become to feel more automatic but there comes a point where it should become almost second nature and that is when the necessary "re-wiring" has begun to take effect. My simple way at looking at addiction is that our brains became wrongly wired as a result of consistently making different (poor) choices compared to non-addicts when we faced difficult or stressful situations earlier in our lives as we strived to improve our moods (immediate gratification). When we get to this "re-wired" stage it means that we have started to think more like a non-addict and our thought processes and reactions to our state of mind/moods becomes more "normal". It then becomes something that you don't really think about, it becomes part of your new norm and you make the right healthy decisions automatically without even thinking. You have therefore become someone who is living differently rather than constantly going through this mechanical process that is necessary in the early stages of recovery. In all honesty I find that i am somewhere between the two at the moment, i am too wary of letting my guard down to the devil of complacency but i can also see glimpses of me beginning to make healthy choices automatically rather than needing the manual process quite so much.

As I say, i think you grasped the key points here already but it is an important observation you have made and it will make a real difference to how you proceed from here. Good luck with your continued recovery, you are certainly on the right tracks.

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L2R

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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2020 6:47 pm 
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Posts: 95
Thank you for sharing your view coach L2R,

I think you really had a point with what you have just said. As I can recall before, it was hard for me to wake up in the morning and get excited for my day, but it was a series of good choices that led me to automatically waking up before my alarm at 6 AM, get up and do my morning routine. Compared to what I do before, just letting me decide whether to wake up or not based on what I feel and then some days that would lead me to relapse since I let my emotions let me be in the past.

With what you have said, I will do a good assessment of what happened with my previous compulsive behavior, looking through each element, making action plans that I will do when I am aware that the event will likely take place.

I keep reminding myself in the morning, that I do this things because this is the life that I have chosen. That this life is so much better compared to the life of Porn and Masturbation. Instead of running away from my loneliness, I am doing things that will help me connect with people that are the same age as me and that have the same values as mine. Even it is stressful at times, I encounter problems, and face the consequences of my previous actions, I accept that this is all the part of life that I am choosing instead of becoming numb of my problems with my compulsive behavior.

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2020 2:56 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 95
Stage 5: Health Maintenance
Lesson 61: Managing Slips

Thoughts To Share...

I am sharing this one event in my life wherein I feel that I am slipping or feel bad about myself before.

Since I am still single and young, I am turning 23 this year btw, part of my value system would be to talk to women and just explore dating. Before, I feel bad about myself whenever I see women and are physically attracted to them. Usually, when I see women who were dressed in a provocative way, I make an act of staying away from them. But I realized that I am a man, and there is a part in me of wanting to talk to women, to those that I am attracted to. And it is a part of my sexual values.
I know that it may be risky for me as of the moment to talk to women who are provocative but I think it is not bad unless I use them for my own emotional stimulation alone (to the point wherein sex is the only point why I am talking to them and not getting to know them as a person). Also, I feel the need to make a balance, between talking and getting to know a woman and controlling my physical attraction to her of not using her for my own sexual needs when we are still now in a romantic relationship together.

This realization may be far from the topic of the main lesson here, but to categorize slips in your life would also be based on the highest values that you are holding to. From the example on the lesson by coachJon, wherein she was looking at the bodies of women at the concert, putting myself into that situation, I would categorize that event as not slipping but as a way of looking for a potential mate for me. Offcourse as a man, physical attraction is one of the reasons why we choose a partner. It really depends on the motivation for the most part. Balance and careful inspection on the motivation is really a part on developing sexual values.

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 2:55 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
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I am rereading the lessons in the Urge Control Part of the Workshop.

And I realized that, yes, I have developed an awareness of my compulsive urges. There is something that I am missing out that I think would provide growth for me in the long run.

I have this awareness that I feel very reliant on the blockers that are installed on my laptop and my mobile phone (they are being managed by my sibling and the only way to get pass through the blocker was either factory resetting my phone or with the pin).

Yes, at first they are effective in stopping me from looking at sensual videos and other porn related stuff on the internet. But, they are not helping me to become autonomous whenever a very strong urge comes up. For example, whenever I am very stressed, and I am aware of it, there is a part in me that really wants to fix the bad emotions that I currently feel (immediate gratification feeling). And I am not implementing the lesson of creating a break for me to think clearly. Instead, I try to look for loopholes in the blocker and I am in a rage to really find one. Instead of creating a break and leaving any tech gadget behind, I was just reliant with the blocker and I give my fate in the mercy of the blocker whether they will have a hole that I can get pass through and watch porn or they are great enough as a protection (I hope you get the idea, it just means that I just let the blocker decide things for me, instead of me making the break and applying the lessons in the urge control part).

Also, whenever the blockers are removed, for example, an incident about 2 weeks ago wherein my laptop was not turning on and I need to find a way to fix it and so the blockers are removed for YouTube and search engines in my mobile phone. I felt very free that I can do anything. I think the blockers were like imprisoning me instead of me training myself to have real control over my emotions and actions.

Basing this decision from what I learned from my meditation, instead of using brute force alone to train the mind and body, I can train it calmly to do the things and lessons involved in urge control (like taming a horse, instead of tying the horse in a pole, they let the horse run in an open field and let it feel that he is free until it is tamed calmly - this was the metaphore in the meditation app that I am using)

So right now, I will try to have my blockers removed and train myself to really apply the break and other things in the urge control plan. I know, that this is risky for me and there is a high risk of doing my compulsive behavior, but as long as I will learn whenever a relapse comes, I know it would be a good way of growing in the long run. Will be checking my progress after a month without blockers. My goal here is to remove my dependency with blockers and to really put in the habit of stopping myself whenever an urge comes and make a value based decision.

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:29 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
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Hi DR,

Quote:
So right now, I will try to have my blockers removed and train myself to really apply the break and other things in the urge control plan.

If you read this back in the cold light of day does this sound like a sensible strategy to you? Ask yourself this, does the thought of having the blockers removed feel appealing? If so then you will know that this does not sound healthy. I feel very strongly that having a series of layers of protection in the approach to being ready for when urges hit is the best way to go. It is firstly the learning from the lessons but it also things like not allowing yourself to get into situations which would likely trigger you and having shields such as blockers will surely help rather than hinder. Otherwise you risk putting all your eggs in the basket. That's great whilst you are succeeding but...

Quote:
I know, that this is risky for me and there is a high risk of doing my compulsive behavior, but as long as I will learn whenever a relapse comes, I know it would be a good way of growing in the long run.

There is a fine line between learning from slips and relapses and giving yourself a Get Out of Jail card in advance for them. Which does this sound to you?

It is your recovery my friend, so your choice to make. I only offer feedback to you aimed to help you make wise choices but feel free to take on board or ignore as you see fit. All i would ask it to think it through carefully and be confident you have made the "right" choice whatever that ends up being.

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