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PostPosted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:05 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Lesson 1 Exercises:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
I have been living my secret life for almost 30 years after a traumatic event at the age of 6. Keeping it a secret when I met my love of my life. After fighting it for 7 years remaining faithful I had spiralled deeper into my addiction. After the birth of my daughter I fell into depression and put their lives in danger. I was a bad husband and disconnected father.

I was found out and slowly revealed my web of lies and saw someone who was conned. I saw a daughter who didn't really know her father. That was 6 months ago. Although my urges are low and did a true discovery of the root causes I seeked therapy. I engaged with my daughter everyday. I learnt to be Co-parents with my wife. But my journey has not began.

I seek to change who I am and what values I'm based on for me. Since if I don't do it for myself first, my daughter will suffer.


2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
I lived with it for so long. After my initial treatment. I do not see guilt and shame of my initial experience. I now see the journey I took and the people around me. I see hope.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
I do not expect to change in days this is a lifetime commitment.

B.
I want to live an honest life
I want to connect with people for who they are
I want to see my daughter grow up happy
I want to be proud of who I am because I try to be better not perfect
I want to put my daughter and family first
I want to trust my friends
I want to have a balanced life
I want to be healthy and make smart decisions
I want an open and honest relationship with my ex wife
I want to manage myself financially, healthily and mentally
I want to be confident in myself

C. I did the exercise before my therapy and I felt sadness, loneliness and betrayal when I stated into my 5 year old self. Now I see through my innocense eyes. I see family, my support and my daughter's face and her future.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:43 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hello Bull
Quote:
I had spiralled deeper into my addiction


That my friend is the inevitability of addiction

however with this realisation comes the fact that we do have the ability to choose where we go from this point
addiction does not need to be who and what we are and do
we have the ability to change and change permanently
so choose wisely
welcome to RN
the programme will provide the road map but the driving needs to come from you
commit and lets get this done
looking forwards to seeing you progress

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Lesson 2: Vision

First and forthmost my daughter and future children will be #1. To put their needs beyond my own. To give them unconditional love and care for them no matter what.

In myself I want to see an honest man who has nothing to hide or fear of my past and to work hard on relationships, my work and my health.

To my love, I want to be open and honest. To debate and compromise on what we want and to embrace all challenges which we'll overcome.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2018 3:47 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hello Bull

its your life hence your call
however
a whole life vision in three lines :pe:


it is a tool not simply a lesson

can I suggest that you read
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=18746
your vision and reasons for wanting change are the fundamental cornerstones of your foundation for recovery

the more support pillars hence broadness it has the stronger it will be and thus more supportive when you refer back to it, and you should refer back
as said its your call

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 7:06 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Lesson 2: My vision

Sorry it's taken me two years to come back to this. However, I am in a better place with much more clarity.

When I look forward I want to leave this world in a better place than my lowest moments. Helping others in need, raising awareness of my addiction and abuse. To inspire and to share my story openly without fear of any repurcussions. I do not intend to forget my past, but to accept it is a part of me. The life lessons it has taught me may have cost me a lot, but what I gain from it is much more powerful.

When I look to my childhood, I see innocence, strength in character and confidence in myself in a world full of possibilities. As an adult I regained that view of the world. Being opportunistic and live without regret. To play by my strengths by learning and challenging myself every step of the way.

I accept the good and back of myself and to love, to feel emotions, to be trusting and trustworthy with all the hurdles I face.

I want to be strong in my mind and my body. To stay healthy so I can help others. This isn't just s dad to follow but a lifestyle I live in.

In love I hope to find the one that accepts me and have a relationship based on honesty, trust and respect from the beginning. Love is not about being with someone because you're lonely but someone to navigate the troubles life throws at you and overcoming them as our bond grows stronger.

In friendship, I surrounded myself with those who care and trust where I reciprocate the same. It's not about having 100s of accqauintences but a handful of great friends I can focus on and leave this world feeling loved by those who I closely bond with.

For my daughter and future children. They will feel loved, remember me for the fun, laughter and the dedication I put into their lives. Being a father that will run to them when needed. Listen to their concerns and to be a teacher in life.


Last edited by Ragingbull on Tue Apr 16, 2019 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 7:29 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Will hope to start up again tomorrow.


Last edited by Ragingbull on Mon Apr 15, 2019 8:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 7:32 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Just an update. It's been two years since I had separated and discovered my true extent of my addiction.

I have in the last year from from obese to become athletic. I have found the job of my dreams. Bond with my daughter and see her 3 times a week. I am independent and content with my life.

Now I feel loved and found someone I truly care for and ready for a new life.

I'll continue the exercises to help me process the rest and keep myself going. It's also been 2 years since I last gave in to my sex addiction urges.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:09 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
My values:
1. Help others
2. Be Inspiration
3. Not be ashamed of my past and wrong doings
4. To forgive myself and look forward
5. Acceptance of faults
6. Be confident
7. Cease opportunities
8. Be curious
9. Don't dwell on regrets
10. Challenge myself
11. Integrity
12. Trust in people
13. Face fears
14. Reflect on myself
15. Focus on the mind
16. Stay strong
17. Be healthy
18. Honesty
19. Grow together
20. Love for who people are
21. Connecting with people that matter
22. Create bonds
23. To love my children unconditionally
24. To be the best father I can be
25. To protect family
26. Teach my kids my life lessons.

From list:
Living with integrity
Living with compassion
Being an inspiration to others
Providing quality in my work
Being respected as a professional by others
Staying active
Being dependable
Working as part of a team
Honesty
Sense of humor
Being considerate of others
Being considerate of myself
Being a role model for others
Living an exciting life
Loving others
Being loved by others
Being challenged; overcoming challenges
Developing emotional maturity
Establishing financial freedom
Physical health
Being a teacher/mentor
Sexual intimacy
Feeling appreciated
World-wide recognition
Developing sustained friendships
Feeling unconditional love
Connected to my own feelings
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Friendship
Forgiveness
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children

Dark values
1. Selfishness
2. Quick wins
3. Thrill seeking
4. Jealousy
5. No trust in others
6. Fear that freezes me
7. Fake it to be accepted
8. Liked by everyone
9. Regret by not pursuing what I want.
10. Internal anger by comprising my needs


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:26 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
My prioritised values:
1. Focus on the mind
2. Be honest
3. Be confident and face fears
4. Be curious
5. Cease opportunity
6. Be healthy
7. To love my children unconditionally
8. To be the best father I can be
9. To protect family
10. Love for who people are
11. Connecting with people that matter
12. Not be ashamed of my past and wrong doings
13. Challenge myself
14. Grow together with a lover lne
15. Sexual intimacy
16. Feeling appreciated
17. Feeling unconditional love
18. Living with compassion
19. Providing quality in my work
20. Being respected as a professional by others
21. Being dependable
22. Working as part of a team
23. Sense of humor
24. Being considerate of others
25. Establishing financial freedom


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:26 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
My prioritised values:
1. Focus on the mind
2. Be honest
3. Be confident and face fears
4. Be curious
5. Cease opportunity
6. Be healthy
7. To love my children unconditionally
8. To be the best father I can be
9. To protect family
10. Love for who people are
11. Connecting with people that matter
12. Not be ashamed of my past and wrong doings
13. Challenge myself
14. Grow together with a lover lne
15. Sexual intimacy
16. Feeling appreciated
17. Feeling unconditional love
18. Living with compassion
19. Providing quality in my work
20. Being respected as a professional by others
21. Being dependable
22. Working as part of a team
23. Sense of humor
24. Being considerate of others
25. Establishing financial freedom


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2019 3:51 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hi Bull
good to see you back
Quote:
Just an update. It's been two years since I had separated and discovered my true extent of my addiction.

I have in the last year from from obese to become athletic. I have found the job of my dreams. Bond with my daughter and see her 3 times a week. I am independent and content with my life.

Now I feel loved and found someone I truly care for and ready for a new life.

I'll continue the exercises to help me process the rest and keep myself going. It's also been 2 years since I last gave in to my sex addiction urges.


you are starting again but now from a much better position
let nothing stand in your way
become and remain the man that you aspire to be

it really is a simple choice followed by total commitment

press on

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2019 5:36 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Lesson 7
1. Remember my story, accept it and share it.
1.1. Understand the impact of addiction
1.1.1. Read articles every month to understand addiction
1.1.2. Be active in the recovery forum every week to read other stories.
1.1.3. Attend the SAA call online once a week.
1.2. Talk about it to someone I trust.
1.2.1. Tell those close to me about my addiction
1.2.2. Share my anxieties with my brother to overcome them.
1.3. Have a talk on my experiences.
1.3.1. Create a diary of my experiences to recall from.
1.3.2. Spend an hour every month to design a talk about it.

2. Be honest to myself and to others.
2.1. Be honest about my feelings
2.2.1. When made to feel uncomfortable to tell them with calm.
2.2.2. When I feel negative to write it down and why.
2.2.3. When I feel positive to share my appreciation.
2.2. Own up if I lie
2.2.1. if I lie to someone, own up and apologize
2.2.2. Don't feel guilty of it once apologizing and move in.

3. To show my love to my daughter.
3.1. To be in contact everyday
3.1.1. phone my daughter everyday that I cannot see her.
3.1.2. Send a photo or message if she doesn't want to talk.
3.2. Give 100% of attention to my daughter
3.2.1. Do not use my phone when with her.
3.2.2. Bond over things we do together.
3.2.3. Listen to her attentively
3.2.3. Read to her during every bedtime.
3.3. Gain interest in her interests
3.3.1. Ask every day what she likes.
3.3.2. Try new things together to expand our interests.
3.3.3. Teach her maths every week since we both love it.

4. Remember my fears and face them
4.1. Spend an hour every month to evaluate when I felt scared.
4.2. Face my fear of my ex
4.2.1. When we argue, take time to reflect on it.
4.2.2. Discuss after in why it happens.
4.2.3. Change the way we communicate to achieve it
4.3. Make myself uncomfortable.
4.3.1. Work closer with colleagues that are difficult.
4.3.2. Do the job that I enjoy least to overcome the pain.

5. Eat healthy for 80% of the time
5.1. Eat healthy
5.1.1. Eat 50% vegetables and fruit
5.1.2. Drink 3 litres of water.
5.1.3. Eat to fuel my body. Protein for recovery, fat for hormone balance and carbs for exercise.
5.2. Indulge one meal every week.
5.2.1. Eat one meal a week with no worry
5.2.2. Plan exercise the following day

6. To be active every day.
6.1. Walk everyday for at least 15 Mon
6.2. Go to the gym 3 times a week
6.3. When my injury recovers. Swim 3 times a week
6.4. when my injury recovers. Boulder 4 times a week.

7. Be curious and learn everyday
7.1. listen to my audiobook every day on my journey to work
7.2. Read a new book every quarter.
7.3. Read blogs about my job
7.4. Dedicate 30 min a day to read about my work domain

8. Be open and try new things a few times a year
8.1. Every quarter decide on a new activity to do.
8.2. Drop activities if they are not fun or as important.

9. To be independent financially (no debts)
9.1. Look at my balance everyday
9.2. Review and Update my budget every month
9.3. Cut costs on luxuries and find cheaper alternative monthly.

10. To be independent as a person (no reliance)
10.1. Do all the chores.
10.1.1. clean dishes every day
10.1.2. wash clothes every week
10.1.3. clean bathroom and kitchen everywhere.
10.1.4. put away dirty clothes away immediately
10.2. Dedicate time to be alone
10.3. File away letters every week.
10.4. Record to-do list and update.

11. Connecting with people that matter and cut out the ones that do not.
11.1. Call all my closest friends once every two weeks.
11.2. Call my parents every week.
11.3. write to my brother everyday.
11.4. Remove friends from phone who I never contact.
11.5. Meet aquintences through my interests like dancing or bouldering.

12. To love and grow old with one person
12.1. Find someone who accepts me.
12.1.1. Be myself and not someone they want to be
12.1.2. Be honest about my faults.
12.2. Fortify our reasons for being together.
12.2.1. Talk openly every day
12.2.2. Remind myself why I love them and why I'm with them.
12.3. Connect at multiple levels of attraction.
12.3.1. Watch a movie together every week.
12.3.2. Have a date night every week.
12.3.3. Share a common interest and do it together.
12.3.4. Cook and eat together when we are at eachothers place.
12.3.5. Be affectionate everytime we meet.

13. To practice intimacy and sensuality over sex.
13.1. Focus on her needs as well as mine
13.1.1. Talk openly about desires
13.1.2. Define our boundaries up front.
13.2. Be intimate and sensual
13.2.1. Focus on touch and comfort.
13.2.2. Be present in every moment.
13.2.3. communicate how you feel from the heart.
13.2.4. Cuddle afterwards.

14. Feed my passion for work and talks.
14.1. Create ideas every quarter for talks
14.2. Focus on creating one talk at a time.
14.3. Submit one talk idea every 6 months.
14.4. Attend talks and meetups to stay inspired.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 3:44 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Lesson 10

Honesty:
* Ex wife. I stayed with her because of my addiction and my biggest source of guilt.
* women I had sexual relationships with and have access to on chat sites
* Internet access to porn
* Adult dating apps account for browsing


Last edited by Ragingbull on Sun Apr 21, 2019 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 4:26 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Lesson 12

1. They often jump from addiction to addiction
My addiction jump from one thing to another. Although I realised it happens when my ex controlled my spending. I didn't admit to my addiction or try to solve it. It changed the environment which made me find new ways to satisfy me.

2. They believe that they are defective in the sense that their emotions, urges, impulses
It's how I view myself. Less than others and a cause of anxiety recently when starting new relationships.

3. They continue to identify themselves with their addiction and cannot imagine a life without such an association.
Same as above.

4. Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
A fear I didn't have until I began dating again.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 4:37 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 pm
Posts: 35
Lesson 13

1. In early recovery, they tend to explore many different trigger situations
2. In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life
3. They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values
4.Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of
5. They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do
6. They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
7. Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
8. They recognize failure as a learning experience
9. They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with
10. They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life.
11. They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have effected on others
12. They have developed the ability to produce the same emotional stimulation from value-based actions as they once derived solely from impulse-based actions.

A lot of my negative behaviours are related to fear. My values to strengthen my mind and face fears help. But what stood out is because I'm analytical in how I behave and cope, I create new behaviours. When I am anxious I would goto porn and put it in the back of my mind. Now I drive to the bouldering and process it while challenging myself.


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