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 Post subject: rec_now Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 16, 2019 2:21 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 4:22 am
Posts: 10
Hi, my name is rec_now and I'm here to work myself out of a mess.

The following is a journal entry that I wrote a few weeks ago, when I registered for this site. I'm in a better headspace right now, but it's still good for people here to get a sense of where I'm coming from.

Quote:
I've managed my life through sexual gratification ever since I was molested by a cousin when I was 5 years old. Although I felt used by what was happened, I enjoyed the sexual excitement of the act so much, that I quickly learned to use sex as an escape from an abusive childhood. A few years later I was introduced to porn and it became part of my daily routine when I got my first computer with unlimited internet access.

When I was younger, I remember feeling ashamed and disgusted of what I watched, especially since I was forced to play the good boy in my childhood. So at the one hand I tried to be moral and upstanding, but on the other hand I was drawn to pretty violent porn. Porn was sort of a rebellion against being forced to behave in a manner that wasn't true to me. But I'm also not really violent either and wouldn't want to do the things I watch online to somebody in real life.

Never really managed to get with the girls. Part of it was me not being attractive enough and part of it was just being too lazy to try. Why bother when you have all this amazing porn at your fingertips? I figured my chances of success with girls were not worth the risk of rejection and ego-crushing. There was also a part of me who wasn't comfortable with being close with other people. To this day the thought of actual being intimate with someone is giving me the creeps. But at the same time, I often fantasize about being intimate with someone in an unhealthy way. It's all just about getting high in my brain and making me feel comfortable.

This addiction has really taken a toll on my life. Now, I'm 30, still a virgin, no friends, no contact to my family and completely isolated. My flat is a mess, haven't even bought any lights since I moved here half a year ago. I sometimes manage to clean it up, but it only takes a few days to devolve into a junk yard again. It's like I need the chaos around me to feel normal.

At least I've got a good job and don't have to worry about money. But that was just pure luck and despite my professors egging me on to pursue a PhD, I just got bachelor degree and work in an environment that often leaves me bored and not really challenged. I also end up pushing my luck,by slacking off and leaving early, but so far nobody has noticed. Even got a huge raise last month. It's all part of my life long desire for self-destruction, I guess.

I feel like I'm just coasting through life. I don't really know what I want. Normal life goals don't do it for me. I see people around me getting married and having kids and it has no affect on me whatsoever. In fact the thought of living in a relationship and having to put up with kids feels suffocating to me. But at the same time, I know I'm wasting my time by being on the net all day long. I know that there are huge consequences waiting for me down the road, if I continue with this lifestyle.

So yeah, putting myself out there would feel fake to me. I'm not even sure if I really want to experience intimacy with someone. I used to do that, but after all these years in pornland, this desire seems to have vanished. I do get petty about still being a virgin from time to time, but I never motivates me to go out and find someone to have sex with. Heck, prostitution is legal where I live and I don't have a desire to visit one. I'm too much of a control freak when it comes to sex to ever be with someone. And there's also a bit of shame and fear of not being good enough.

My main motivation for recovery right now is based on fear of the consequences. To be precise, I fear for my survival. My isolated lifestyle has made it so that I don't have anyone to rely on. If shit really hits the fan, I'm pretty much toast. I literally can't afford to be an addict. I need to grow up.

I realize that this isn't the healthiest motivation for change, but nevertheless this is where I'm at right now. So for now, I will post this as a start. I think I will use this thread also as journal, because writing this was really good. It will probably help with the soul-searching and figuring out a good reason for change.


Lesson 1 exercieses:

actively committing yourself to change

I'm committing myself to work one hour on my recovery first thing in the morning after waking up each day. My work situation allows for this, so aside from emergencies there are no excuses to not do this. Working on recovery means doing this workshop, writing in my journal and doing self-therapy. I'm committing myself to this routine, regardless of me acting out or not. It's not meant as an excuse or encouragement to continue acting out. Rather, I want to make sure that a slip or relapse will not discourage me from pursing health. The goal here is to develop a routine of working on my recovery, so I can transition into recovery as soon as possible.

not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

I do feel shame for where I'm at in my life. I wasted so much potential and time pursuing this addiction. There are several areas in life that seem to be forever closed to me as a consequence of my addiction. It's important to not dwell on this and also keep in mind that my perception may be a little bit too bleak. At the same time, I need to accept and own those consequences and not let them discourage me from change. I may be a underachiever in many important areas of life and catching up seems like an impossible task, but this doesn't mean that I can't honor my commitment to health by pursuing a sincere recovery right now. While my position in life is still important, it's more important to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I am. I commit myself to not let my feelings of guilt and shame for being a failure distract my efforts of pursuing health. After all, those feelings are just temporarily emotions. In time, they will fade away.

allowing yourself time to change.

One of the few good things about being a failure in your 30s is that you no longer feel the pressure and urgency that you had felt during your 20s. The gap between you and normal healthy people has become too wide. You are no longer able to hide your dysfunction. People can see who you are. They may not know all the gory details, but they can sense that something is off and treat you accordingly. There's freedom in being written off as a failure. Now you have all the time in the world to develop real health in your life. It's no longer about trying to change as quickly as possible in order to avoid real damage to your life. When the damage is done, there is no point in trying to hide who you are anymore. This is you now, this is your life. Now it's time to change for real. Take all the time that you need.

Reasons for change:
I want to be healthy in body and mind
I want to face my childhood issues and resolve my trauma
I want to develop emotional maturity
I want to feel purpose and a sense of achievement in the work that I do
I want to lose stubborn body fat and have a healthy body fat
I want more order and cleanliness in my flat
I want to accept myself and be the best possible cheerleader for myself
I want to explore my sense of creativity with art projects
I want to know what I want romantically and sexually and find healthy ways of achieving them.
I want to be able to set boundaries with toxic people in my life, removing them if necessary
I want to develop financial responsibility
I want to overcome my fear of intimacy and become open to close connections with other people
I want to be honest and sincere with the people that deserve it in my social circle
I want to act professional in my work
I want to experience love. Both from myself and from others.
I want to be persistent and diligent in the things that I pursue in life
I want stability while maintaining a small sense of spontaneity.
I want to forgive myself.
I want to honor that forgiveness by pursuing an honest and sincere change in my life
I want my true self in the driver's seat of my mind
I want to become the leader of the different parts of myself
I want to find healthy ways of integrating darker parts of myself within my personality, rather than suppress them only for them to reemerge in unhealthy ways.
I want to be honest with my flaws rather than trying to maintain a perfect image.
I want to become a strong personality that feels secure. A rock to myself and others.
I want to face and accept the harshness of nature and reality.
I want to be conformable the uncertainties of life rather than being intimidated by them.
I want to experience personal meaningfulness. While you do believe in cosmic nihilism, you are also aware that a sense of personal meaning is achievable (even though it may just be chemical reactions in your brain in the end ;))

picture of myself:
I'm about four or five years old in that picture. This was before I realized that my family is abusive and while I can see some signs of trauma in my face, I'm also happy and innocent in that picture. In many ways, this kid is still inside me. Locked away in a deep cell and kept safe by my parts who only want to protect him and make him forget about the abuse. One of these parts is my porn addiction, another my tendency to binge-eat and another my self-hatred. There are many more. My parts all try to protect that little boy, even the ones that cause great harm in my life. They don't trust my true self, so they keep my true self out of the driver's seat of my mind. It's very rare that my true self is in charge. Only during times like these, when I sit down and self-reflect. I want to become comfortable with my true self. I want to build a relationship with my parts, even the ones that I don't like. I want to listen to what they have to say. I want to thank them for protecting that child. I want their permission to talk to that child. I want to listen to what that child has to say. I want to witness its trauma and be strong for that child. I want to rid it of that trauma for good. I want to see that scared little child turn into a happy camper. I want to ask my parts how they think they can express themselves in a healthy way after that child is rescued. I want them to be my consultants while my true self is firmly in control. I want to be the leader of myself and my parts to know that they can trust me.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 17, 2019 1:25 am 
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I've decided to take some time with my vision and use several different methods of developing one. I did something like this previous in my life, and I think the reason why I failed to stick with it back then, was because I didn't really think about it deeply. So here it is, I begin with the exercises posted by CoachMel:

1. Start at the very end

Right now, I can't picture anything else than me dropping dead in a flat and being discovered a few weeks later. I then get cremated and put in an anonymous grave. What's more, it doesn't really sound so bad to me. It beats having my relatives at my funeral. Knowing them, they would probably use it as just another opportunity to pretend they are a healthy and happy family. It happened when my grandfather died, who abused everyone around him, it happened when my grandmother died, who just stood by and did her fair share as well. I wonder what would happen at my funeral. In many ways, I'm the black sheep for no longer playing the pretend game with them. I moved away and haven't talked to them for several years now. They probably wouldn't show up, if I die. I hope so.

Having ruled out my family for attending my funeral, the next step would be friends. Problem is, I don't have any. I used to have some, but they all faded away. Part of it was on me, part of it on them. They weren't really meaningful friends to begin with. I never could share my true self with them. When you grow up in an abusive family, healthy parents will make sure that you don't come in contact with their kids. My childhood was like a deep pit where parents can dump their kids into. At first it is exciting because you can do whatever you want in that pit. No adults. No responsibilities. Candy, video games, porn and drugs as much as you want. But then you realize there are some monsters down here as well and a few of the other kids are even crazier than you. It all turns into Lord of the Flies pretty quickly. There were no real connections in my childhood. We were all just like soldiers in a war that we didn't even knew was going on back then.

So yeah, no friends. I tried again in college, but I was too much of an awkward loner already so nothing really happened.

I realize that my current thoughts are negative and not really helpful. Nevertheless, it is what I'm thinking right now and I can't just write in a positive manner and pretend that this is not what is on my mind. I will get there eventually. But I have to go through this right now in order to feel connected to what my vision will become.

What do I really want my funeral to be? In a ideal world, one where I'm healthy and have developed a sense of fulfillment from my values, I want only those people at my funeral that I have build honest connections with during my life. I don't care if it is a wife, a kid, a lover, a friend, a co-worker or even a homeless person. I don't care if it's one or one hundred. I just want people at my funeral to be there, because they truly care about me. I want them to be able to look back and remember great moments that were shared with each other. I want to be remembered as someone who turned a shit life around and developed integrity and health in his life. I want that at least some people feel that their lives where better for me having been around.

When I'm on my deathbed, I think back on a life of stability, honesty, health and fun. I look back on the true connections I have experienced in my life. I look back at the love that I have shared with others and myself. I look back at a work-life, that was exciting and challenging. When I look back at where I came from and where I ended up with, I feel a sense of pride at having escaped hell and building something healthy for myself and others around me. When I'm on my deathbed, I can close my eyes and feel that my life as had meaning. That it was good.


Man, this one hour in the mourning turned into two and a half. I have to go to work now, but this was really helpful. Looking forward to do the next one.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 18, 2019 1:11 am 
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2. Start at the Very Beginning.

When I was a child I liked going out with a few friends and exploring the world around me. I liked nature. I liked the games we played. I liked visiting my cousins and playing with them. Even the one who molested me. I liked our big extended family and when the somewhat healthy side came together and had huge meals. My parents were already divorced back then, so my mothers side (the more abusive one), she and my step-dad weren't there. It was like an escape from hell, even though the people there weren't the best ones either. I enjoyed seeing my father at those events, but never managed to connect with him. He was too busy with building a new family. I liked learning woodworking with my grandfather (he wasn't the abusive one). I liked when all my cousins and me were allowed to stay overnight at my grandmother's house.

I liked kissing my cousin before he did what he did. I even liked the rush and excitement I experienced while he was doing what he was doing. It was the first time I got high doing sexual stuff.

At home I liked playing video games on my SNES. I also liked dancing to popular music and pretending I was the one performing the music. I liked watching cool movies and getting lost in books. I liked writing short stories. I liked dreaming about things. I liked drawing pirate maps. I liked imagining I was on a big adventure.

I did play soccer and did Taekwondo and while I enjoyed it at times, having to attend regular training seemed boring and tedious to me. I liked it more when my friends and I spontaneously got together and played soccer for hours until we were too exhausted to go on.

I liked camping with my more healthier extended family (my parents were never there as well, thank god). Being out in nature for a few days with not contact to society and escaping my depressive home always felt good. I liked my uncle and and grandfather teaching me how to build a fire.

I also liked a few girls and thinking about them, but never mustered up the courage to talk to them. I think I liked fantasizing about them more than actually being with them. It gave me a similar rush to the one I felt while being molested. Come to think about it, I only started to like girls after that thing with my cousin happened.

I somewhat liked school. Learning about new stuff and becoming better at it. Reading up on science and the universe. I liked my female teacher, who was more motherly and protective than my actual mother. I liked it when she was engulfing me from behind while she explained something to me. I liked the genuine care and warmth I felt, devoid of any sexual undertones.

I enjoyed walking to kindergarten and school alone, to be with myself and just observe the people around me.

I liked visiting the zoo with just my abusive grandfather. He genuinely wanted to connect with me, even though he fucked it up more than once and never managed to do so. He was less manipulative when we were visiting the zoo. We just talked about things (of course never about things related to our family). I liked to see a more healthy side from him, that he only seemed to let in this situation. Even saw him laughing a few times.

I liked going on long road trips with my grandmother when we where visiting her parents. Just watching the landscape go by and listing to music. I liked playing with my Nazi-great-grandfather. He was a genuine funny dude. He never told me war stories, which I can see why but still regret. I enjoyed being pampered by my great-grandmother, even though she did it to taunt my grandmother. You know, the whole being better to your grand kids than you ever were to your actual kids thing. I liked going to old castles with them and pretending to be a medieval knight.

These were the moments I enjoyed in my childhood. Most of the times, they were accompanied by abusive and fucked up things floating around in the orbit and I probably liked them because they were less insane than my home situation, but nevertheless I look back somewhat fondly to those moments.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 18, 2019 2:35 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Hello rec
great start , but still only a start
RN can show you how to change but you need to want really through to your core want that change to be positive

let me tell you that all addicts change, some positively but some negatively
most believe that we have no choice in this matter but in reality choice is all we have so do choose wisely

When you choose that you really do want to improve your life and remove those self inflicted shackles of addiction and to recover from your emotion driven compulsive behaviours then you are at a good place to make that a reality, RN can show you the way
To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path sucessfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2019 1:47 am 
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Posts: 10
Thank you Kenzo for your encouraging words. I made a commitment to work everyday on my recovery. I also think that managing your emotions is the key to overcoming addiction. Admittedly, I blasted through the entire workshop in a few days, when I first discovered it. It's part of my desire to understand things as fast as possible. So I already know in an abstract way that managing your emotions is the most important thing. Now, I'm taking my time, work myself through the workshop on a slow pace and internalize the knowledge. Again, thank you for stepping by and your kind words.


3. Your Ideal Self.

I have above average intelligence. I did a test with Mensa, and while it wasn't high enough to join them, it was still in the top 15%. I always use my intelligence as this one thing I can rely on to get through life. It is like a safe heaven. Even in the midst of complete self-destruction. I used it to stumble myself into a well-paying job without even trying. But I still feel I underachieved and a fraud for not trying enough. I usually work on 50% of my capacity and still get praised and huge raises.

I enjoy reading and watching about philosophy and science. I enjoy smarter people than me talking about their theories. I like to work through contra-dictionary ideas and to figure out what's true or not. In general I have a craving for truth, even if that truth makes me feel bad. However, I think I also use this destructively and allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, by focusing too much on harsh truth about my life that I can't change.

I like storytelling. Both as a consumer and producer. I like visual storytelling through films a lot, but I also enjoy getting lost in a book. And I listen to radio plays from time to time. I have some ideas about stories that I want to produce. I sit down and write from time to time, but I haven't made it part of a daily routine yet. I also stumbled upon a community of people who make radio plays in their free time. They are all enthusiastic amateurs who are pursing it as a hobby, so it's all about creating art together without anyone getting paid. This is very appealing to me. So, maybe I get involved in that and write and produce a few audio plays. I also enjoy video editing. It's very relaxing to spend an entire rainy Sunday just editing. I'm mostly editing real movies in a way so another movie with a different feel is created. However, I do admit that I also used video editing to act out my porn addiction.

I also like working out. Reading about it. Being scientific about it. Figuring out what's healthy and what not. It's not just about looking good, but about fighting off depressive moods. When I'm not working out for a while, I feel negative thoughts creeping up. I haven't been working out, since I moved to a new place a few month ago. I also started to eat more junk food and and as a result gained a few pounds. Currently I'm on a fasting protocol and have already lost 8 pounds, which probably is mostly water-weight, but still a step in the right direction. My goal is to be back into the gym next month. The reason why I shy away from going now, is disappointing my trainers. I managed to build up good rapport with them and they are always encouraged me to push my limits in a healthy way, so I don't want to disappoint them by turning up as the fatty that I have become.

I want more nature in my life. Just being out and exploring the scenery by myself or with someone I feel connected to. Relaxing and charging up my batteries.

I also want more professionalism in my job and keep up with new things regarding my job. I might be fine now, but if I continue to slack off, things may look different a few years down the line. I want to work on things that are truly interesting to me and not just to pay the bills. Maybe even start my own company when I gained more knowledge, so I can feel more connected to what I do.

I want to have more true connections in my life. This is a tricky one. When you are smart, it's harder to find people to connect with. In my day to day life, I rarely find people who I enjoy listening to for long periods of time. I do enjoy listening to their life stories initially, but when I realize that we have not much in common, I don't have any motivation to pursue anything beyond that. People are also rarely interested int the things I talked about. So I end up listening to like mined people online or talking to people at work. There's a guy at my job who used to work at CERN. It's really funny to pick his brain and talk about the universe all day long. But I'd like more than that. I like a core group of people that are similar to me. It's the same thing with pursuing relationships with women. One the one hand I'm attracted to beauty like everyone else, but if she opens her mouth and I realize that she isn't that bright, I lose all interest immediately. The pool of potential mates becomes very small that way. And let's face it, smart beautiful women usually have better options than me. There have been a few ugly smart women in my life, but when you are not attracted to them, it just doesn't work.

I want less chaos and more order in my life. Both in my mind and my surroundings. This is probably a symbiotic relationship, as I've noticed that my flat seems to the most chaotic during times of complete nihilism and self-destruction. When I work on myself and get my thoughts sorted out, my flat seems to get cleaner by itself.

I want to waste less time on the internet watching videos, that aren't really helpful. I often feel like the people I'm listing to are just narcissistic and not saying truthful or important things, and yet I still end up watching them again. On the other hand, I enjoy all this online-drama that these people seem to generate. There are great stories unfolding online between crazy people that remind me of Shakespearean classics. It' just is entertaining and funny as hell. But yeah, it's also a huge waste of time and does nothing to further my values. So I should probably do less of that.

I want to resolve my conflict between believing in cosmic nihilism and the desire to have meaning in my life. I do believe that objectively our lives are meaningless. Our universe started with protons, electrons and neutrons forming atoms which eventually led to planets, which eventually led to complex life on earth. Current theories suggest that the universe will degenerate into a state, were complex life isn't possible anymore, ending in eternal blackness. Because of that I do believe what we do is objectively meaningless, as the human species will die out anyway and nothing will be remembered. On the other hand, there's subjective meaning that we can experience in our personal lives. Even if it is just a chemical reaction in your brain. And just because the universe will die at some point, doesn't mean that living well in the here and now doesn't feels better than giving up on life. But still, from time to time I end up being defeated by cosmic nihilism, thinking what's the point and just pursue short-term pleasure. I want to resolve that. I don't now how yet. Maybe it will just be a subconscious thing that will happen while I work myself through this workshop. Time will tell.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2019 9:27 pm 
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4. Your Dream Life

I'd move to a rural area to a country with a low population density. Something like Denmark, Sweden, Iceland, etc. I'd plan and build my own home somewhere remote with the nearest next house a few miles away. This home would have a gym with the machines I am used to in my local gym and are safe to use alone. I'd still consult with my trainers, as I enjoy their input. I just want the convenience of having all the training equipment at home. My house would have a nice big kitchen, because I love cooking. I'd get all the ingredients form local farmers, which I would support beyond just buying their food, if necessary. There would be a home office with the best setup for programming, video editing, and the odd video game here and there. It would have a big library with huge bookshelves. You'd have to use a ladder to get to the top. And there would be a nice relaxing area for reading. The house would have a home cinema, built by a professional team. In fact all of the things in that house would be built by a professional team, to make sure I get the best possible thing. It's important to me to make sure things are done right. So building this house would probably take years of planning and consulting with professionals. But that's the way I want it.

My house would be inside a huge glass dome, creating its own closed ecological system. This ecological system would be akin to a tropical era. It would just be plants without any annoying animals or bugs. It would have a huge swimming pool with artificial grotto that you could get lost in. Of course, there would be a sauna and wellness related water things as well. There would also be a big grill for barbecue.

I'd use this house as my escape from the world and would only allow people there that I can trust. I'd want to have this because it's important to me to call some area in this world mine. To have it in my control and to know that nothing aside from the government can get to me. It needs to be huge, because I'm an introvert like Batman who wants his own big mansion to get lost in and so I have peace and room for thinking. I want all this stuff there so I can do all the things that are important to me without leaving the house. I always enjoy staying inside for days and doing the things that I want to.

I would buy two to three cars, a motercycles, and some bicycles. Nothing really fancy. I'd buy a jeep for sure, so I can go anywhere I want to. Right now I don't have driving license, because I'm not into cars. But if I had unlimited resources and time, I eventually would get one just for convenience. I'm more into riding bikes and exploring the world that way. I'd have a bike that is best for each area. So a mountain bike, a sport bike, and a city bike.

I'd travel the world. I would go to remote areas that are safe. I'd probably explore the whole country side of Ireland, Iceland, Sweden, Denmark, etc. I would get lost in the landscape for a few months. I would also move from city to city and explore the architecture, soak up the atmosphere and just spent time in museums, parks, attending lectures, etc. It do this so I can get a feel for the different cultures in this world, which I would use in my storytelling. I also just enjoy observing people in different situations and seeing how social dynamics play out in real life. I'd stay in expensive hotels or rent a nice flat.

Aside from that, I wouldn't be flashy with my money. I'd dress like a normal person when I'm exploring the world, so I'm not attracting any troublesome people. I enjoy being invisible and not drawing attention to me.

I'd spent my free time researching about topics that I'm interested in. I would attend lectures of experts in their field. I'd make friends with professors and fund research that I think is important. It would be mostly for selfish reasons, because I'm interested in learning about things to further my knowledge.

I'd visit therapists regularly to make sure my mind is always healthy and also because I enjoy talking about psychology and different methods of getting to know yourself.

I'd do my own art projects, with the input of professionals. I'd support unconventional film makers that I like. Maybe even make my own movie. Creativity is important to me, and visual storytelling is the most fun way of storytelling. Expressing myself and my philosophical outlook through visual storytelling is very rewarding to me. So it would mostly be abstract art films or documentaries.

I'd have a small circle of friends that are on my level when it comes to intelligence. So not super smart, but smart enough so we can talk about interesting topics. We would come together from time to time and have a huge barbecue or a big night out. With some of these friends I would go traveling together. It's also important to me, that all my friends are okay with not seeing each other for a few month or even a year. While I do like people that I can trust, I also want space for me and being alone for a few months.

The same thing would apply for relationships. In fact I wouldn't be in a monogamous relationship. Instead I'd have several relationships with smart beautiful women, that are independent and accomplished in their fields. It wouldn't be as close and deep as a committed relationship. But we would meet up from time to time do stuff together and of course have sex. I want it this way, because I enjoy variety and getting to know different types of women. Not just for sex, but for their personality as well. I enjoy listing to what they have to say. I enjoy building up romance which eventually leads to sex, but isn't really about sex and more about being intimate with each other and for me being validated as a masculine male. It wouldn't be a harem as well. I wouldn't care about what they do with her sex life outside of me. They could stay with me for a few months, if they want to, but not forever. There would be no expectation to commit to each other. This is important to me, because I want to maintain my free time and my independence to do things the way I want it. It's hard for me to compromise the way you usually have to do in relationships, as personal independence is the most important thing to me.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2019 4:09 am 
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Hello rec


Quote:
The same thing would apply for relationships. In fact I wouldn't be in a monogamous relationship. Instead I'd have several relationships with smart beautiful women, that are independent and accomplished in their fields. It wouldn't be as close and deep as a committed relationship. But we would meet up from time to time do stuff together and of course have sex. I want it this way, because I enjoy variety and getting to know different types of women. Not just for sex, but for their personality as well. I enjoy listing to what they have to say. I enjoy building up romance which eventually leads to sex, but isn't really about sex and more about being intimate with each other and for me being validated as a masculine male. It wouldn't be a harem as well. I wouldn't care about what they do with her sex life outside of me. They could stay with me for a few months, if they want to, but not forever. There would be no expectation to commit to each other. This is important to me, because I want to maintain my free time and my independence to do things the way I want it. It's hard for me to compromise the way you usually have to do in relationships, as personal independence is the most important thing to me.


MMMMMMM
seems to me anyway a strange ideal for a sex addict who really wants change and recovery

sex without love or emotion or intimacy, all things that take time and effort to attain and then sustain, is simply sex
Quote:
I also want space for me and being alone for a few months.


I expect that you have issues with trust, and that I understand, but suggest that as you progress you deeply examine and hopefully resolve those issues

sorry if you see my comments as wrong but for my sins I call what I see

good luck in your recovery

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2019 2:55 pm 
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Hi Kenzo,

yes, my desire to have multiple relationships with women is probably a result of my porn addiction and my fear of real closeness. But I don't want just sex and absolutely not in the way I watch it online. I want to spent time together with them, going hiking, visiting cities. The sex stuff isn't really the focus, but a part of it. It's more of a love experience that real love. It's probably not achievable for me anyway. I wrote it down, because it's my honest desire right now and I want to be true to me, rather than write something down that sounds healthy.

Like you have said, I have trust issues. I'm either too trustful of people who don't deserve it or I am not trusting at all. I'm alternating between these to extremes. I don't know how to resolve this. Maybe it will get better when I learn how to set boundaries. I know I have to overcome this issue, if I want to be healthy. It's just so hard for me to determine which person can be trusted or not. My whole childhood was about managing people I can't trust. It's what I'm doing right now at work. It's so exhausting and probably the reason why I want to be alone in my spare time.

Thank you for your insights. They are true and got me thinking about myself and remind me on what I have to focus on while developing health in my life.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 21, 2019 3:10 am 
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While I was trying to sleep last night, I mulled over my thoughts on why it is so hard for me to trust people, especially when it comes to intimacy. The following is what I thought about. Warning: I will get into what happened between my cousin and me in great detail, as I think it's a big part of why I fear commitment and intimacy with women. I'm going to describe what happened in a neutral voice, but nevertheless this may be triggering to people, which is why I give this warning ahead of time. On another note. This is mostly me rambling and pouring out my thoughts. It's a journal entry.

Before I get into it, however, I want to describe on where I am at with women in my day to day life, as it's the result of what happened in my childhood. Since I have no contact with my family and no friends in my life. I only interact with women and people in general while at work, buying groceries and going to the gym. I'm never flirtatious with women and try to ignore them for the most part. I'm pretty good at noticing when someone is secretly trying to check me out. You know, when you turn around, because you feel someone is starring at you? This happens very often. It seems like women are trying to figure me out. I must appear very odd, because I lack the desperation to be with women, which is often displayed by womanizers. But at the same time I'm a virgin and totally clueless on how to successfully flirt with women. It becomes apparent to them, when they are interacting with me. I become very anxious then, like a trickster who is about to get caught. I try to get the conversation over with very quickly or try to move it into a less flirtatious direction.

There's a woman at my work who for a while was very determined to get me to take her out. She was figuratively throwing her panties in my face to get me to talk to her, but I did my best to appear oblivious and naive. Of course, I also got an ego rush, when I see her trying to get my attention. After a while she moved on, but is still trying to get my attention from time to time.

I think there are several reasons for why I act this way with women my age. One the one hand, I already can think of what will happen (or what I think might happen), when I go on a date. She will see how socially inept and isolated I am. How different I am from normal guys, and not in a good way. I want to spare myself the humiliation of having to endure the inevitable rejection. I think the only types of women who would pursue a relationship with me in my current state are toxic ones. One the other hand, there's a huge fear of being close to a woman. Being touched and having to touch them. I'm uncomfortable with touch. I give a stand-off-ish vibes and another close female work college at work once told me on my birthday “I know you don't like hugs, but here's one anyway.”

There's an older woman I work with and she reminds me off my mother. Her husbands works in a different department and their relationship is similar to those of my parents. She's in total control and he's at her mercy, while at the same time appearing like a “real man” to others who are not looking close enough. I shared an office with this woman once and one day, when her husband came visiting, as he is used to do, she told him off in an vindictive way, which resulted in him retreating with his tail between his legs. I hate it when people air their relationships issues in front of me.

This woman also enjoys my attention. And I also crave hers in a strange way. Fortunately I always mess it up, when she comes too close, which results in her writing me off as a loser. But then after a few weeks, when I am confident about my work or another younger woman is pining for my attention, she tries to get into my orbit again. It's a weird push-pull thing, that's probably just about her getting of on me being into her in a weird toxic way. She's married with kids and I know that this is the kind of thing porn/love addicts should avoid. My point here is, that I crave more attention and closeness, from this older, unavailable woman, than any woman my age. Maybe because I know it will never result in anything, so it's safe to fantasize about it?

This has resulted in a uncomfortable situation at work, which also leads me to another reason of why I have a hard time trusting woman. A few days ago, this older woman (FC) and me had a meeting with a male colleague (MC) from another company that our company is working together with. It took place in a public lounge, that is shared between different companies in the building. There were several attractive women in my age range as well, that I have seen before, but never really cared for. FC was late, so I already began to talk to MC about our project. When it comes to work, I'm very confident about my knowledge so I have an easy time leading a conversation, even with older coworkers that outrank me. Because of this, I notice some of these women staring at us talking and trying to wriggling themselves into my orbit by sitting next to us and just getting a feel for what our conversation is about. This is when FC joined and before she sat down with us, she just stood there, scanning the room and noticing the other women. She eventually sat down with us and we then talked about further details of the project. FC constantly asked me questions to get me to talk to her. It was about things that we already talked about and resolved before this meeting. The other women in the room then became more aggressive. A woman who sat behind us got up and just stomped past us. She seemed angry. It became harder and harder for me to concentrate on the conversation and my eyes began to wander a few times. I saw women smiling at me while going through their hairs. FC then asked another question to get me back into the conversation. This went on until the meeting was over and we all left the lounge.

The next day I turn up in the lounge alone to get a glass of water. You have to open a glass door with a chip to enter the lounge. While I open the door, I see a woman my age range noticing me. She put down her cup of coffee, checked if her clothes were in order and then walked toward me. She goes through her hair, smiles at me and says “Hi”. I say “Hi” in a neutral tone and walk past her to get my glass of water and then the fuck out of there. I have never seen her in my life, and I'm not sure that she was there the day before. Fearful thoughts of me being the talk of the women at the lounge run through my mind. Where will this lead? How will they react, when they figure out that I lack the confidence and the desire to go after any one of them?

Anyway, I don't trust their displays of attraction. I see it for what it is. Women fighting over someone, because another woman is showing interest in him. When I had the work meeting, I never felt that it was about me. It was just women following their instincts. Same with the woman who tried to talk me up the next day. It felt so mechanical seeing her walk towards me and go through her hair, as if it was a well trained move to make me fall for her.

Things like that make me cynical about relationships between men and women. Most people seem to follow their biological instincts instead of developing real intimacy. I read scientific papers on mating behavior. They conclude in no uncertain terms that mating behavior (even when it comes to long term relationships) are mostly driven by looks and that things like virtue, integrity and honesty are insignificant factors, and only come into consideration if you are good looking enough. I read another evolutionary theory about cheating being so prevalent. It's a successful strategy for reproduction and often occurs when you had enough sex with someone, which triggers certain hormones that make you more annoyed by your partner and more receptive to other people. This occurs in both women and men. Evolutionary biologist often conclude that our genes don't care if we are happy in life as long as we reproduce. Love is just one of several different mating strategies. I look around me and see those theories confirmed everyday. How is someone to find a honest partner in this world? Let alone someone as inexperienced as me? I often end up feeling hopeless. It seems impossible to achieve.

Man, this is another post that became way longer than I initially intended. I never even touched upon the things that I initially wanted to talk about. I leave it at here for now and will continue later.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2019 12:41 am 
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I've been acting out these past two days. Thinking about what happened in my childhood and the prospect of writing it down in detail has triggered some intense uncomfortable emotions, which in turn triggered urges.

I don't know if you guys are familiar with the concept of internal family system (IFS) therapy. It's a model of the mind that consists of several different parts. One type of parts are exiled parts which are created during intense traumatic moments of our lives. They are carrying the burden of our trauma and are usually not accessible to us without consciously trying to bring them into our mind. These are the parts that make us feel needy, hopeless, unlovable, etc. There are another parts called protectors who are protecting those exiled parts. Usually by distracting us and doing things that may be destructive to our lives. Examples are addictions, binge-eating, self-hatred, being to judging, being closed off, etc. It's important to know that protectors mean well and that they are doing what they do, because they don't trust our true self, to be a responsible leader of all the parts in our mind.

In IFS therapy we build a relationship with our protectors. We get to know them and thank them for their jobs. The psychotherapist who developed this model, found out that this is a better approach than trying to fight your protectors, as they usually will strike back with a vengeance. Once we have built a relationship with our protectors, we can ask them to allow us to talk to the exiled parts. When accessing a exiled part for the first time, it's easy to be overwhelmed by its emotional state. The exiled part is usually starved for attention and you have to take care, not to blend with its feelings. Your job is to be a neutral listener and witness the trauma of the exiled part. Eventually you will help that exiled part to unburden itself from the trauma. Once that exiled part is healed and rescued, you talk to all your parts and together you figure out more positive roles for them in your life. For example, that binge-eating part may become a guide for choosing healthy food. Your true self becomes the true leader of yourself and your parts are the consultants of your everyday life.

This is a short summary of IFS therapy. I'm writing this down to explain what happened in my recent relapse.

When doing all the work on my recovery last week, I accessed parts in my mind, that I usually repress. In particular when it comes to my childhood. Writing things down left me with feeling relieved for a short while, but that feeling of relief vanished throughout the day and was replaced with intense feelings of sadness. I think this was when I blended with my exiled part. I started to drink coke zero and mindlessly surfed the net to distract myself (this is a protector), but I still managed to work on my recovery everyday. Then when I came close to writing about what happened with my cousin, I really started to feel like shit. I also tried to fight my addictive parts instead of engaging and negotiating with them. I pressured myself to continue with my healthy momentum. And then at some point, I decided to act out to get a relief from all this pressure.

I know it still was my choice to act out. I use IFS therapy to learn more about my destructive behavior. What I learned from this relapse is that I shouldn't be talking about traumatic stuff without having it processed for myself first. Instead, I will continue with the vision exercise.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2019 12:02 pm 
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5. Your Values Inventory

This exercise is going to take a while, I guess. Here are my thoughts on the first batch of values:

Ability

I value ability in my working life. Meaning that I have the skill to compete and succeed in my industry.

Abundance

I don't really think I value abundance when it comes to material things. I prefer juts owning the things I really need or have sentimental value for.

Academics

I don't value having a academic degree. I enjoy science and knowledge, but being an academic in itself is unimportant to me. It's also important to me, that my knowledge is helpful in my everyday life, so in many ways, it's the opposite of being academic.

Accessibility

Not important. I don't want to appear closed off, but I also don't put any thought into being approachable. I live like a hermit, my mobile phone is mostly turned off and I'm not fit in current technology (smartphones, whatsapp, etc.). I think, I should change this, but I don't really care to.

Accommodating

I think I need to be more the opposite of that in my daily life. I tend to be a push over. Social situation are usually boring to me. I end up agreeing with whatever the person talking to me wants, in order to get rid of him or her as quickly as possible. I think I should focus more on my values and defending them in social situations. Being more assertive about my values.

Accomplishment

Accomplishment is important in many areas of my life. I want to feel accomplished in the work that I do. I want to accomplish my recovery goals. I want to accomplish my weight loss goal and maintain my target weight.

Achievement

I think achievement is similar to accomplishment.

Acknowledgment.

It's important to receive an expression of appreciation at work from time to time. Being known for a valuable worker and recognized as such.

On a different note, I want to learn to acknowledge the positive things in my life, instead of brushing them aside so easily and show gratitude for my position in life.

Activeness

I want to be active in my pursuit of knowledge and skill regarding my work. I want to be more physical active, spent more time outside and going to the gym.

Acquiring

I want to constantly acquire more knowledge that is helpful to my everyday life. I also want to acquire wealth, in a more intelligent manner, instead of just saving. Learn about investing, etc.

Adaptability

I want to always stay up to date with the knowledge of my profession. I also want to develop a plan to for how to respond to the changing economy caused by artificial intelligence. I want to get in touch with current lifestyle of everyday people, so as to catch up. I didn't really adapt well in the past ten years, as I spent too much time on my addiction.

Admiration

Not important. I neither admire, nor crave admiration from others.

Adoration.

Not important

Adroitness.

It's important in my work life. I want to continually come up with good solutions to everyday problems in my work. I also want to me more adroit when talking to other people.

Advancement.

I want advance in my knowledge. I don't really have a plan to advance in my career, as career in itself isn't that important. I just make sure to not fall back.

Adventure
I think it's not so important as I thought. I enjoy staying inside more than being outgoing. I'm also not the work hard to play hard type. I'm more the keep calm and carry on type.

Advice
I want to be open to advice, but also have a firm core of values that form the base of my decision-making.

Affection.
In my childhood I enjoyed receiving physical affection from my grandmother. I also enjoyed giving and receiving affection to pets. I'm a pretty closed off guy right know in addition to being isolated. So there's no opportunity for living out this value. I would want to have more affection in my life, but I think I need to focus on other values before I can pursue this one.

Affluence

See abundance

Aggressiveness

I enjoy being aggressive in the pursuit of my goals, but only if it's true to me. Usually after achieving abstinence from addiction, I become more aggressive in my day to day life. Not in a bullying way, but in a self-assured, go-get-it type of way. It feels better than being than a passive, low-energy guy.

Agility

It's important in my work-life. Physically, it's not that important to me. It's a result of being active in the gym, but not a goal in itself for me.

Alertness.

Not important. In fact, I want to be more relaxed. As, I'm too alert to real or imagined threats. I'm too tense.

Allegiance.

Well, I should create more allegiances at work, but I'm naturally a very individualistic person. I prefer do be left alone than being part of a group. But on the other hand, I recognize that certain things can only be accomplished with a group. Right now, I feel I should put more focus on this value, but my heart isn't in it.

Altruism.

I do give money to the homeless people I meet from time to time. But it's not an important value to me. Doesn't really fulfill me.

Amazement.

Not important.

Amusement.

I enjoy dry humor without it being cynical in my day to day life, in order to amuse others. I also like to amuse myself with books, tv shows and movies. I like to create art, but my intention is not to create amusement for others.

Ambition

Not really sure how to think about it. For now, I think I should focus on being more realistic about my goal than too ambitious, since I tend to be unrealistic in my goals.

Amnesty

I'm more of the opposite. Justice is more important than forgiveness and letting things slide.

Anticipation

Not important

Appreciate

See Acknowledgment


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 5:13 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
Hello Rec
Quote:
I've been acting out these past two days.


OK Shit happens
Now you need to learn from that slip

Quote:
I know it still was my choice to act out.

For sure there is always a choice albeit in addiction and in early recovery we often deny that we have that choice
Now you need to determine why you choose to and then continue to act out

what did it give you ?
what did it take from you?

Did it resolve anything or did it simply make demands that you chose to succumb to?

Move on, put that slip into the foundations of your next step
you can recover but you need to choose to
choose wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 3:07 pm 
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Time for an update. I've been down in the deep end since my last update. Not just in term of my sexual compulsions, but also with my eating behavior. I've spent my days with art. Editing (non pornographic) clips together to express my emotions.

I've also admitted to myself that I can't do this on my own and went to a therapist for the second time in my life. Cried a lot and told her about my childhood stuff. She thinks that I'm too eager for change and don't allow myself enough room to really process what happened. She also thinks that I have a hard time accepting help, which is true. She thinks I should not fight my addictive behavior and just learn to connect and negotiate with them, until I have processed my childhood stuff. Sadly, she has no room for another client, but she recommended me other therapists. She also diagnosed me with depression and recommended me a research institute for sexual psychology. I'm currently in the process of finding a good therapist for psychotherapy.

Talking to a therapist really helped me. I'm now able to cry and access emotions that I have suppressed for a long time. Mostly it's really deep sad stuff. I also act out and feel really connected to my addictive part. There's a warm connection, that wasn't there before. He feels like I'm finally paying attention to him. I'm also much more confident in my day to day behavior, which is really weird to me. I cry a lot at home and then when I'm out buying groceries I have an easy time chatting up the cashiers, which was hard for me to do just a few days ago. So yeah, I feel a lot more connected to myself currently.

I'm going to listen to my therapist for now. I think there is really deep childhood stuff inside me that needs to be processed and that I can't do this on my own. I don't think this workshop is the right thing for me at the moment. Maybe I will be back after I went through psychotherapy. Thank you Kenzo, for providing your insights. They really helped me to push me into the right direction.


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