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PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2020 4:47 am 
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Posts: 50
i know i don't check in much on RN, but i want to at the moment...

last few weeks definitely can see the increase in thoughts of sexualizing my environment. after call with Coach Cheryl, has been helpful about creating breaks in the chain of compulsive thoughts by using these gentle reminders in my head. asking the question "what do i get from this?" has been really helpful. also checking in with the physical sensations in my body in my feet and hands has been helpful.

yet reason why i'm writing on here now is because woke up from sleeping. i think two nights ago i had a dream about a girl in the past and about romanticizing her. i realized later that for me to remove addiction from my life means i need to let her go. and to remember that...she's just an artificial stimulation at the moment. she's not real. and i'm just creating these thoughts to stimulate my mind.

point in case...is now i woke up. it was a much arousing sexual energy dream. the funny thing is...i've never even seen this person that was in my dream. i literally created a NEW person in my dream who was "artificially" stimulating me. lying in bed now....it was really helpful to become curious of the physical sensations in my body.

it was like all of the energy in my body was just on my half erection. but as soon as i started to ask myself...what do my feet feel like? and to feel the bodily sensations in there....i could feel the energy in my body flow again throughout. the arousal diminished and i was able to become disenchanted with this artificial stimulation.

i think now the reason i'm writing on here is because...i've had sexual dreams this past year and i always judged myself after i've had them. like i'm just stressed and i'm not taking care of myself etc.

which is a good alarm system...i admit. i haven't done much consistent workouts over the past few weeks and that's something i can reincorporate again. but the point is now...is that...i've relied on the physical sensations to check in with my body to calm my anxiety over the past few months, which have been great.

yet i think this was the first time i was able to use that technique for when i've had the feeling of arousal.

this is really important because the way to break any addiction / unhealthy habit is through visceral experiences. to be incredibly mindful of the moment as i feel the emotions.

and i was able to use this technique of checking in with my body in this state where i felt enchanted by this artificial stimulation...and she diminished from my mind as soon as i used this technique for creating a break.


and also...about the increase in sexual thoughts over the past few weeks...

it's really important to look at the bigger picture and to see where i'm at...

i am at my parents home, the place where i learned about managing my behavior through porn, for the holidays with two nephews who are about 1 yr old. i also just shot a short and will be editing it. and there's also a pandemic. lol.
it's all connected. even though i've put in a quite a lot of work this yr (i admit there has been complacency perhaps past few months but continuing forward i am now)...like my brain still relies on these old habit loops for managing anxiety. for managing these uncomfortable feelings. and i can continue to work through one compulsive thought at a time to help break the sexualizing chain during this stressful time. so when this time comes to an end...i will have more confidence the next year.

also...i should remind myself the anxiety and stress will continue to increase up until new years day and will then slowly fade about a week or so after. i should know best of all since my last acting out was on 1/5/20. that should be a good timeline to keep in mind. but i think the best way to approach this is to look at these moments out of a kind, curious perspective. hmmm...what does my body feel now? how do my feet feel? my hands? is there tightness in my chest?

let's go fwd until the next sexualizing thoughts for me to practice these healthy breaks and make that the positive habit.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 12:40 pm 
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Posts: 50
lesson 48
role playing on 12/30/20

I allowed myself to roleplay situations where I have been sexualizing situations.

Such as now since I’m living at home as soon as I would talk to my sister or mom I found myself sexualizing the conversation in the kitchen. when I was meditating on 12/30, I found myself role playing…where I was expecting the trigger of me having the conversation, the behavior of me sexualizing the conversation. during the role play, as soon as I experienced the behavior, I quickly created a break by asking myself “what do I get from this?”.

the next time I went into the kitchen later that day, it worked! I was able to create the break much faster because I was role playing + anticipating how my mind would react.

anticipating on 12/31/20
I was anticipating that this would be a stressful new years and that there were situations where I might have acted out like in the past. I think my issue is that I wasn’t specific with my anticipations for new years eve. I continued to role play with anticipating the sexual thoughts arising, yet I think it could’ve been more helpful to role play specific moments on new years eve / morning after on new years eve that would have helped me manage my anxiety during this time.

I did have an argument with my sister on new years day about something silly that turned into an argument rather quickly. thankfully we apologized and left on good terms before I dropped her off and her husband and baby at the airport.

I need to be okay that I cannot anticipate the specifics that will unfold…however I can anticipate my feelings…and create breaks in my mind through role playing on how I can stop unhealthy / not helpful behavior.

actively seeking on 1/1/20
since it was new years day…my main value was to be with family and to spend time with family. considering it started a bit rough by having an argument with my sister, it thankfully ended up very well by the end of the day. a part of me was just not balanced yesterday.

I remember at one point that maybe I should spend my energy by being alone and working on my short film with editing it. however, when I got to my room…I knew that’s not what I really wanted to do anyways and that was just my mind wanting to punish myself by isolating myself, which has led to acting out in the past.

I instead remembered what I wanted to focus on, which was to spend time with family, and ended up watching many hours of a fun tv series with my father.
considering I don’t spend too much time with my dad, it was fun to just watch a show together. the show is OK, it’s entertaining enough to keep watching it, yet I know it was more just about the experience of watching it with family.

the role playing on breaking the habits was extremely helpful. it really helped me start to click and see about changing these tiny threads of thoughts connected together.

honestly…I guess I thought RN was going to be helpful whenever I have an urge in the future. but I just don’t think I recognized the importance of role playing….and how I can literally change my behavior by “fantasizing” the man I want to be in REALISTIC situations. how I want to change myself in situations that are in the present.

it’s funny because I fantasize a lot about becoming this filmmaker years from now. yet what if I fantasize about changing unhealthy habits and creating new healthy habits in the now? what I do in the now, is what will lead to my future.
fantasizing about my future self five years from now may or may not help. I’m not sure. but I want to fantasize about changing my habits now…with creating these breaks so I can focus my energy on what is really important to me.


i think during these moments when I create the break by asking myself what do I get from this…if I can direct my energy to something positive that would be the next step. such as if I sexualize when listening to my mom speaking…and I create that break…I can then shift towards a healthy behavior by 1) checking in with my body. 2) focusing attention to my mom speaking / asking her what she said if I missed something…


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 1:35 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
lesson 49

sexual health assessment

04 Progress Summary I feel I'm starting to become more mindful and using some of my action plans to create breaks whenever I find myself sexualizing things in my mind. Role playing has been helpful.

I've been sexualizing more than usual this past month than the past six months, yet I feel it's been actually really helpful to be back at home with my parents. It's almost like a healing process for me right now...since this is where it all started.
sa2 0
sa3 0
sb2 0
sb3 0
sc2 0
sc3 0
sd2 0
sd3 0
se2 0
se3 0
sf2 15
sf3 .3
sg2 0
sg3 0
sh2 0
sh3 0
si2 0
si3 0
sj2 0
sj3 0
sk2 0
sk3 0
sl2 0
sl3 0
sm2 00
sm3 0
sn2 0
sn3 0
so2 0
so3 0
sp2 0
sp3 0
sq2 0
sq3 0
sr2 0
sr3 0
ss2 0
ss3 0
st2 0
st3 0
su2 25
su3 .5
p1 5
p2 4
p3 3
p4 5
p5 5
p6 1
p7 4
p8 5
p9 5
p10 5
n1 3
n2 2
n3 1
n4 3
n5 2
n6 1
n7 3
n8 4
n9 4
n10 2

progress goals
Huge progress with my career by shooting my second short and now just editing it. Also feel like I'm healing my relationship with my parents. This quote summarizes it: "the thought of your mother is not your mother"...

By changing my thoughts, I'm starting to change the relationship with my parents...because recognizing that they aren't really the ones who are the source of my addiction. It's ultimately me.

learning
slip relapse proximity

Yesterday on New Years Day. Heart was beating fast throughout the day. I felt uneasy and unbalanced. I had flickers of sexual thoughts of porn stars.

likely triggers
Adjusting to staying at home with parents

Time management with editing short

Time management with recovery

Time management with spending time with family / brother / nephew

top 3 values .3
top 10 values .3
emotionbased unhelathy .1
chores .2
family 0
friends 0
alone .1
sexual 0
romantic 0
recovery 0

healthiest Very Healthy
unhealthiest Fairly Unhealthy
overall Healthy


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2021 10:38 am 
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Posts: 50
1 yr ago was my personal d-day on 1/5/20. grateful to be here.

lesson 50

I’m going to focus this on my more recent sexual habit loops…since living at home with parents now:

walk into kitchen, see mother, brain automatically sexualizes the situation


A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)


my recent healthy based value is ‘mindfulness’. in order to create the break, I ask myself “what do I get from this?”

positive consequences of creating the break and connecting with body

gain confidence
feel happy that I can break the compulsive chain of sexual thoughts
feel happy that it’s SLOWLY becoming more automatic

negative consequences of creating the break and not allowing sexual habit loop to continue

feel sad
cannot distract myself
may feel uncomfortable


B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

if continuing with the compulsive thoughts and do not create the break

positive
will continue to feel distracted
can create my own “happy” thoughts

negative
will not be present in reality
will be further ingraining this sexual habit loop if not aware of it, or will be blindly choose to not create a break
will not be taking the moment to become the man that I want to become


C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?


value based long term consequences for value based decision
gain more confidence in dealing with and managing sexual habit loops
improve connection with my body and mind

uncomfortable feelings of not being able to distract myself….will inevitably fade if I can continue to make decisions based on values --- breaking the habit loop and dropping in with my body

positive consequences of creating the break and connecting with body


emotion based long term effect
will be more and more disconnected from reality and others
will improve ability to sexualize everything even more


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 10, 2021 12:15 pm 
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Posts: 50
lesson 51

girl is not interested in me anymore
feel hurt / empty inside --- need to seek emotional balance
make decision in my head to go on a dating website online (first point to initiate urge control)
search on online dating website for someone who is my perfect partner (romantic delusion)
get bored after searching for perfect partner
make decision in my head to search for the perfect sexual partner (sexual fantasy / increase in heart rate / excitement) (second point to initiate urge control)
filter for hookups or transgender women on dating website
if do not satisfy, leave dating websites to go on to other sites for hook ups (third step to initiate urge control)
can continue on to point of finding the perfect person to hook up with
ritual can end once I find the perfect person or I can continue it further by actually going to that person’s place


A.
first point to initiate urge control

options:
1) search on online dating websites
2) drop into my body, feel where the physical sensations are most present, and ask myself “what do I get from this?”
3) decide to meditate
4) decide to go on a run
5) decide to journal
6) decide to journal on UA forum

B.
at this point none of them would
assuming I am dating at this point, going on a dating website to meet a match does not violate my boundaries. however, it’s more about my motivation which is why it’s tricky. I know my real motivation would be escapism from my feelings, yet I can justify and tell myself that I am going on to find someone to meet someone else.

it’s tricky because it’s all about context. am I going on this dating website one day after I’m dumped? that’s not a good idea. yet I can still have the same motivation one year later after I’m dumped hoping to achieve the same result of escaping uncomfortable feelings.

the only real navigator for making the decisions is being able to drop into my body and feel how my body feels. how do I feel inside when I think about the idea of going on a dating website to meet someone? does it bring arousal / perfection / fantasy? then that is not a good indicator.

if my motivation is viewing it more like making friends…then that seems to be a safer bet.

note: I have not determined whether or not I will use online dating sites for meeting people. I’ve abused it in the past and it may be detrimental for my health.

C.

anticipated consequences
1) search on online dating websites
i. depending on the scenario again, it may seem positive if I find someone. I can also feel guilt if I feel I’m using it to avoid my feelings / if I feel like I am.
ii. I would feel discomfort for sure for not wanting to act on my thoughts / feelings of going online
iii. depends. if I tell like people who know about my recovery…they may or may not care. or they’ll justify my actions and understand. I may feel guilt or I may feel proud. it really depends.
iv. it really depends on the outcome. I may feel guilt or I may feel proud if I meet someone from this point.

2) drop into my body, feel where the physical sensations are most present, and ask myself “what do I get from this?”
i. I would feel positive for developing my mindfulness. whether or not I choose to go on the dating website, at least I will have paid some attention to my current state.
ii. I would feel guilty and regret to not use mindfulness for making personal and sensitive decisions.
iii. proud
iv. proud still
3) decide to meditate
i. would feel happy to connect with myself spiritually
ii. well it depends. did I do my second meditation that day already? then it doesn’t apply. however, if I procrastinate on my daily meditation because i spend hours on a dating website…then that’s regret
iii. no change
iv. no change
4) decide to go on a run
i. positive
ii. indifferent
iii. no change
iv. no change

5) decide to journal
i. depends on how I feel after journaling. if I feel good…then yes it was a positive decision. if it’s just for me to spin my wheels and just vent….then not sure if best use of my time…unless I feel good about it after
ii. indifferent
iii. no change
iv. no change
6) decide to journal on UA forum
i. would feel good to process thoughts on community forum and share my experience of being mindful helping me to process decision making
ii. may feel okay
iii. no change
iv. no change



Second point to initiate urge control --- when want to increase stimulation from perfect romantic partner to perfect sexual / hook up partner
A. options:

1) search for perfect sexual hook up partner
2) practice mindfulness
3) meditate / run
4) share on UA forum

B. searching for perfect sexual partner would automatically be removed from the option. interesting…I allow searching for a romantic delusional partner, but searching for a sexual partner isn’t an option. I think that’s interesting considering my current state of mind where I do fantasize still about connecting with someone from the romantic past. after this thought just now…I do feel that I should filter out searching for the perfect romantic person. and more about…searching to meet someone that I have things in common with / values / hobbies / lifestyle / etc.

C. options:
2) practice mindfulness
i. feel proud
ii. self judgement / feel bad
iii. feel proud
iv. no change

3) meditate / run
i. feel proud
ii. if not meditating that day because break boundary, then feel guilty
iii. feel good
iv. no change

4) share on UA forum
i. feel good to connect with others
ii. feel okay to not act on this option / no consequence
iii. no change
iv. no change

third point to initiate urge control --- go on other hookup websites
A:
options:

1) go on other hookup websites
2) practice mindfulness
3) go run / meditate
4) connect on UA forum
B.
option 1 would be automatically filtered out

C.
anticipated consequences

2) practice mindfulness
i. good
ii. guilt / self judgement
iii. good
iv. no change
3) go run / meditate
i. good
ii. guilt / self judgement
iii. good
iv. no change

4) connect on UA forum
i. good
ii. no change
iii. no change
iv. no change














most recent sexual compulsive loop…

walk into kitchen, see mom, sexualize situation

1) walk into kitchen
2) see mom
3) sexual thought (implement urge control)
a. I randomly get a sexual thought
b. or I ask myself, “did I get a sexual thought?”
4) practice mindfulness
a. do I feel anything in my body? where are physical sensations most dominant?
b. ask myself “what do I get from this?”
c. use love & kindness “may she be well”
5) process repeats



A. options:

1) continue with sexualizing
2) mindfulness --- note physical sensations in feet
3) mindfulness --- ask myself “what do I get from this?”
4) mindfulness --- use love & kindness “may she be well”

B.
option 1 would be filtered out. Ironically…I feel like I’ve focused so much on this recently….that I find myself actually being the one who is consciously bringing up the thought “am I having a sexual thought” which then triggers a sexual thought.
oh I get it. I think I would like to inject a bit of curiosity to remove the anxiety and fear that are in these moments.
I think I’ve gotten so anxious that my mind can even sexualize seeing my mother in the kitchen…that instead of it just disappearing…I feel like it has gotten to a point where I am constantly asking myself “am I sexualizing this? did I have a sexual thought?”…like I’ve used my OCD / obsessive thinking to obsess about am I sexualizing / have a sexual thought with seeing my mom that it’s actually made it worse instead of better.

I know I’m attempting to fix it by changing my thoughts by being mindful. but it’s like…my own thoughts of attemping to do good are just jumping in the laundry cycle and getting mixed with anxiety which triggers the sexual thoughts to avoid the uncomfortable feelings.

it’s like my brain feels uncomfortable about the thought of sexualizing situations that I actually make myself even more uncomfortable because I assume I am going to sexualize things to avoid feeling uncomfortable, which actually makes me have more sexual thoughts because I’m trying to figure out if I am sexualizing.

so…something isn’t working.

I would like to introduce curiosity here. I really do want to introduce curiosity…and to just accept…that I sexualize things…but I can use curiosity to explore the body sensations whenever I sexualize and ask myself what do I get from this…and to also spread love and kindness if I could have a moment to do that…

I think that’s how I want to approach it. I want to ask myself…what do I get from this? and then use a moment of “may she be well”. or I can attempt to spread it by focusing on myself? and telling myself “may I be kind”.

oh. because I do like saying that to myself. so let me attempt to use that.


C. anticipated consequences of mindfulness
feel good / changing habits
feel bad / guilt
good
good


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2021 1:03 pm 
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lesson 52

having a little trouble with this exercise because I feel like I’m coming up with conflicting values a person would make instead of a black and white example…

in baseball, the coach can swap pitchers for an upcoming batter. sometimes this works for the coach, and sometimes it doesn’t, but the logic is that…they can isolate their emotions for making an objective decision. such as, their emotions can tell them to keep their starting pitcher in, even though he’s exhausted. the logical decision would be to swap him out instead and use a pitcher who can strike out the side.

an ER doctor who may want to save both people who are dying. however, when looking at the facts, only one can live. if he tries to save both, they will both die. making a decision, valuing saving a life…and he chooses the person to save…and lives with consequences.

it can be helpful when a parent doesn’t want to raise a spoiled brat. if a parent gives the kid everything the child wants, then the child will most likely be a spoiled brat. if a parent values raising a child who isn’t spoiled…then wouldn’t get him everything he wants.

so…if a child is throwing a fit in a store…I’m guessing the emotions would be to give the child what he wants to stop the child’s tantrum. however, if the parent isolates the emotions of the child throwing a tantrum, and focuses on the consequences of that decision / what the parent values, then the parent can decide what would be the best decision.


driving. someone driving on the highway gets passed by someone else driving like a maniac. this can trigger the driver to drive recklessly too, if makes decision based on emotions. however, if focus on consequences / drop into how body feels / what the person values (being a responsible citizen), the driver will just let it go…and to not drive recklessly.
only would be able to do this because isolated the emotions…and then made the decision according to this person’s values.


sex addiction…
wanting to go and view porn on computer…feel compelled to do so. isolate emotions of the urge / arousal / physical sensations in body. filter through realistic options of making decision outside of the urge…and then act on making that decision…whether it’s just dropping into my body to check in with my physical sensations, or meditating.

love addiction…
fantasizing about being with someone romantically. I can isolate the emotions such as the fantasy / stimulation achieved from it…and then make a decision outside of the artificial stimulation that is aligned with who I am…and how I want to live my life.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2021 5:31 pm 
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weird...found myself googling some online dating sites. not hookup ones, just ones that i would possibly use when i go back to dating. only did it for like 5 minutes but...i can feel the judgement inside of me.

i guess i didn't like how i felt. like i could feel my hands get warm and my heart race a bit.
and i know the moments before...there was like this emotion...where i felt...like a kid who didn't get his ice cream...because i told myself i wasn't going to check for a minute and then i do and then it's like hmmmm.

i know it's motivated because last night felt like i was saying letting go to some fantasy girl from highschool...and i know my brain just wants some other fantasy to hold on to. it's important to note that...that this person that i held onto in the past...is simply just a target and not someone that i was genuinely interested in.

and it's the same thing with my mind wanting to do that now.

i think...i most likely will have more thoughts about checking out online dating sites, even if not actively searching. what's my action plan like:
to drop into my body, feel what my body feels like.
take a moment to step outside the house and get some fresh air. even if it's for five minutes.

and get back to doing whatever it was i doing before / planning to do.

important to use these as moments to learn from. that even though i'm not acting out like i did, i can feel that that the inner child wanted that candy cane. if i'm to completely remove this addiction from me...i need to not feed the child that wants the candy cane...he'll eventually stop whiniing.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:26 pm 
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Posts: 50
lesson 53


A.
Unhealthy:
masturbating alone because: bored, aroused, intoxicated, haven’t done it in a while, any excuse my brain wants to come up with, etc.

healthy:
When experiencing intimacy with my partner




B.


Thought of viewing online dating websites.

I do value committing myself to dating, in the future, yet it was conflicting because I am not dating at the moment. options:
Option 1: scroll through potential dating websites
positive consequences
will scratch the itch / urge of wanting to view dating websites
will relieve thought and can get back to my work

negative consequences
procrastinating / waste time

potential to feel guilty

potential to feel unstable by guilt

potential to increase anxiety by guilt / internal chaos


Option 2: do not scroll through potential dating websites

positive consequences

will feel committed to my journey of becoming who I am / want to become
will remain stable and confident with my journey

negative consequences
increase anxiety and stress
decrease focus and productivity
increase desire to want to look by telling myself “no”






Contacting person I romanticized in the past
Option 1: contact person

positive consequences
will have an answer if I contact --- if interested or not
will actually experience it and allow me to (hopefully) move on

if it allows me to move on, will help me to become the person that I want to become…

negative consequences
may feel guilt
may feel unstable if feel guilty
may increase further anxiety if she responds by creating another fantasy of all of the possible outcomes


Option 2: do not contact person

positive consequences

nothing will change
if I am allowing myself to move on, then will allow me to become the person that I want to become


negative consequences
may not feel like I’m letting go by not experiencing rejection

may continue to play fantasies in my head still
may feel anxiety at first, if it’s an urge, to contact

may feel guilty for not trying?


__________
more value conflicting decisions re: dating


When is it the right time for me to go back to dating?
Do I review matchmakers instead of dating websites?
If I use meetup to meet people, is it healthy if I scroll through a person’s profile? When will that be unhealthy?

If I’m checking out a film online, is it unhealthy if I am viewing an actress’ public resume?

If I’m not paying for it, is it OK if I scroll through it and I don’t contact anyone?
if I look up old text messages from a partner, is this ok?


________

overall I liked this lesson…and feel it’s timely about weighing the positive and negative consequences for decision making. I feel when I decided to go and view dating websites last week, I think I was focused on the short term positive consequences instead of the long term consequences.

I was focused on…”well by telling myself no, it makes me want to look even more, and now my anxiety is higher, and it’s going to be more difficult to get back to my work.”

instead of assessing the other options like “well if I do this, and I’m not entirely sure how I would respond, how would I feel if I did feel guilty? will I still make this decision if it may possibly increase anxiety (long term) and make me feel unstable?”

I think the important thing here is guilt. if I feel guilt after using this to manage my anxiety, then will it be the right decision?

because if it is a possibility, then no, I shouldn’t make the decision. and I think it’s important to specify what and why will I possibly feel guilty.

I know that may seem like a great way for assessing options, but I’m just trying to figure out ways when I’m feeling short-sighted to get out of that point of view.

and as uncomfortable as it may be, guilt and shame are directly connected to acting out / anything like that.

like…for me…if I drink alcohol…that won’t just possibly bring me guilt…but that’s more so for my body and how my body doesn’t enjoy it.

like if I’m on a date with someone and I just started seeing her…and I want to kiss her. that’s hard as well. if it’s the fifth date or the first date etc….there needs to be some trust involved and I don’t want to be guilt tripping myself when making decisions…but I do want to be mindful that there are positive and negative consequences for decisions…and to remember that just because one decision may have positive and negative consequences (such as anxiety by not having ice cream for example when I want it) just because there are negative consequences (feeling uncomfortable) doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2021 8:52 pm 
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lesson 54

Value based decision in the past year:

I bought a lot of camera gear to start doing short films. I was excited because creativity is an important value of mine. The negative consequences were:

It would cost several thousand dollars, it was going against my ‘minimalist’ approach by purchasing items, it of course was making me vulnerable by trying to invest in myself


Emotion based decision in the past year:

When I decided to check out some online dating websites last week for a few minutes, even though not dating now…

positive consequences were: I rid myself of the anxiety / urge of “not” checking by checking, it was fun / curious to just explore what’s out there when I do eventually go back to it, it was a bit of an escape for a few moments from daily reality


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2021 7:29 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hi LK
Quote:
I decided to check out some online dating websites

positive consequences were:

Quote:
it was fun

it was a bit of an escape for a few moments from daily reality


using frivolous sex as a coping device to escape real life, is that healthy?

I named my addiction as my simple bit of fun, I excused my actions please dont fall in to that same vein
you are better than that

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2021 11:03 am 
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hi Kenzo,

I do agree with you that it wasn’t the best decision for me to do at this time, checking up on dating websites that I might use in the future when go back to dating.

maybe I misinterpreted lesson 54? I guess I thought that I was supposed to list the positive and negative consequences for emotional and value based decisions, regardless if they’re healthy or not. and that the point of the lesson is that…it’s not that black and white…that not all emotion based decisions are bad and that value based decisions can seem to have consequences too.

such as I can use having ice cream as an emotion based decision. the positive consequences would be that I felt intense stimulation, felt happy, etc.

however, I do appreciate you pointing out that it wasn’t the best decision I made and that it seemed you were concern if I was attempting to justify my decision. no, I wasn’t…I was merely trying to view the positive consequences from that decision. at least the short-term consequences.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2021 1:57 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Quote:
it seemed you were concern if I was attempting to justify my decision. no, I wasn’t


:g: :g: :g: :g: :g:
because as said
you are better than that

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 06, 2021 4:43 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
lesson 55

Acting out on 1/5/20
1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
Ya
2. How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?
immediately before the event? 5/10
a few days before the event? 9/10
3. At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
no

4. After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)
several hours
5. In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?
yes…that I needed to revisit RN
6. If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
I would say…a few months


aug 2019 – ask coworker out for lunch (alone)
1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
no
2. How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?
8/10
3. At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
yes the few months leading to it
4. After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)
a few months
5. In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?
I was proud of myself…I thought it showed confidence…
6. If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
lasted a few months after she wasn’t interested in another lunch. it lead to an acting out internet binge in October



chose to look a porn a few weeks after attending pride parade in summer 2019
1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
I convinced myself that it was “okay” to do that. I was conscious that I was making the decision, yet I convinced myself that I’m “beyond” that and it can be “healthy!”
2. How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?
they were pretty intense about an 8/10
3. At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
I distorted my thinking into thinking it was okay
4. After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)
guilt lasted a few weeks…shared about it at a 12 step meeting
5. In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?
yes I chatted about it with my therapist. made a promise her to not do that again.
6. If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
consequences lasted a few weeks…




looking up people to hookup with on craigslist in 2018

1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
it took me a few hrs to recognize because I was throwing my whole day away
2. How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?
hmmm…initially before? like a 5
a few days before…like a 7 or 8. I was upset that my parents were visiting town for the weekend and I had cancelled my weekend plans of leaving. so I felt resentful and angry that I had to do that so acted out
3. At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
nope
4. After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)
it lasted a few hours that day…and then turned into actually the whole weekend.
5. In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?
yes I evaluated with my therapist. I think the thing that is scary though is that I wasn’t ready to admit that it was a poor set of decisions that I made then. it was only when I talked with my therapist about it that she was pointing it out to me that it was not the best set of choices that I started to recognize it….
6. If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
the consequences did not last that long because I wasn’t ready to take responsibility for my actions and I wasn’t “hurting” anyone except myself of course.





2014 – watching porn after getting hit on by my neighbor
1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
ya
2. How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?

8/10
3. At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
yes
4. After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)
a few minutes
5. In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?
ya…I felt justified because I felt uncomfortable from my neighbor
6. If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
lasted a few hours. I could not sleep


spending hours on youtube for 2014 on new years eve
1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
yes but I didn’t know how to get off of it
2. How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?
7/10
3. At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
yes…I went out with friends
4. After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)
a few hours
5. In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?
yes I did. that being on the internet was not good for me but I just didn’t know / have an action plan of what to do
6. If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
lasted a few days. I just felt guilty for tripping / convincing myself to do something that I knew wasn’t healthy


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 06, 2021 5:31 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
checking in...

ever since i've been home the past few months, i've found my mind sexualizing my environment more. the thoughts have kind've gone up and down. my biggest action plan is that whenever i do have these thoughts that come up...i just want to sit with my body. and to just feel whatever it is that i'm feeling within my body.

tightness? tension? and to simply note those feelings in my body after i have those thoughts / while having them.

also want to remind myself that when i do have those thoughts, what do i get out of it? nothing really. it's a distraction from being present in hte moment. it's such an old habit that i still feel like i'm changing gears to move it in the right direction. i think i just need to continue to pay attention when i anticipate on having those thoughts.

such as it's a saturday night. i am anticipating i may feel a bit lonesome. this is perfect time for thoughts of thinking of a girl that i've met in the past / romanticizing because i may be bored / stimulating my head with those thoughts.

i can ask myself the question...what do i get out of it?

i also think it's important to note that at the end of the day...these are just thoughts. the only power they have is the power that i choose to give it. i know they may feel like they have power because of the emotions tied to the stimulations i've received in the past from those type of thoughts. but they're just thoughts that have provided me short term relief of feel good. the long term consequence of these type of thoughts is that they do not move me forward in developing a long term relationship with someone.

to develop a long term relationship with someone...the life that i envision for myself is to continue to build on creating positive habits / thoughts in my mind. and even though it may be uncomfortable to recognize that...those short term / immediate happiness thoughts are just starbursts. they simply can't last.

i would like to be mindful of the consequences....that when my mind will want to create romantic fantasies...the only actual gains are....none. they have not brought me any partner nor will they. i need to continue to working on shifting these thought patterns in my mind because they're not going to change themselves.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2021 12:43 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
lesson 56

sexual thoughts appear when in conversation with my mom at home
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
ya
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
out of ten? 1 to 3.
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
before I start talking to her
when the thought appears
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
N/A
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
well…for this compulsive urge…it’s about if I allow the thoughts to continue. there are consequences if I continue to stimulate myself artificially with those thoughts…but…these thoughts are more just annoying thoughts than anything else…

I think it’s more about…do I fear these thoughts? the more I resist and tell myself to not think about them / put those thoughts in a cage and forget about them…the stronger the desire to have sexual thoughts.

if I sit with them and just recognize these thoughts are simply thoughts…they become less powerful…I think this is because…I’m learning to take a more objective POV on these type of thoughts….and distancing myself from the emotions that these thoughts used to provide me in the past.
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
at most a few minutes. I really cannot imagine myself getting concerned longer than a day or so.




Fantasizing about girl to be in a relationship with…
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
Yes
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
3 / 10
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
When I have visualization of thoughts, need to drop into my body and feel physical sensations
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
It depends. if I reach out to before writing vision for dating…guilt could last for a week.
if she responds back, who knows…can be a few days, weeks, months…
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
Consequences can be energy spent on building a fantasy that does not exist
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
Depends how long there…I would be communicating with her?
if I don’t communicate and just sit with thoughts in my head…can last for a few minutes to an evening if I do not drop into my body….





SEEING NEIGHBORS AND FANTASIZING
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
Yes
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
3 – 4, 5
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
As soon as I see my neighbors, or as soon as my mind wants to create another fantasy that does not exist
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
in my mind? it can last for a few minutes to an evening spent with them
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
If the thoughts in my mind exist for more than a few moments and linger on for an evening…I would feel guilty. upset that I am using them in my mind for artificial stimulation.
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
intensity can last for a day or two.




GOING TO GROCERY STORE AND FANTASIZING ATTRACTIVE WOMEN
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
Yes
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
2-4 / 10
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
As soon as my mind wanders to create those thoughts. thoughts can occur even if I’m not “directly” objectifying. I can create a fantasy just from seeing someone at the corner of my eye.

I would need to drop into my body. feel the physical sensations. do I feel contraction or expansion?
may that person be well.
what do I get from this?
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
deciding to allow thoughts to stimulate me can last for a few moments at the store. if the target exceeds my expectations of ‘perfection’ can last past the grocery store
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
consequences will be instability inside of me. feelings of guilt. self doubt in intimacy relationship building
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
feelings of guilt depend on how much I allow the artificial stimulation to stimulate me. the longer I allow it to last, the longer the guilt will be. I do not expect the guilt to last more than a few hours at most.




RETURN TO OFFICE FROM REMOTE WORK --- SEE NEW CO-WORKERS, ENGAGE WITH OLD COLLEAGUES FANTASIZED / FLIRTED WITH IN PAST
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
Yes
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
3-5
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
As soon as I find my mind creating a break from the conversation by checking out. I will ask myself…what do I get from this? how does my body feel? what about my toes? Do I feel contraction or expansion?
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
It can be from just a moment to…several weeks / months every time I run into someone at the water cooler and want to talk with them while at the same time holding onto fantasy that this is someone that I can be romantically involved with

5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
Well….consequence are clear. distractions at work, leads to less energy spent focusing at things at work, which leads to not accomplishing the important tasks, which leads to…me creating a fantasy, which can lead to me even acting inappropriately with this person at work ie. getting lunch alone with person / expecting something more / wanting to see person outside of work, and then obviously can create an awkward work environment / wanting to leave my job / hurt my reputation if I do decide to engage with someone at work / which can hurt my future work opportunities, etc.
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
depends how far I connect with the stimulation. it can lead to a few seconds to a few years….the choice is up to me.




thought of girl / that I want to be in a relationship with…
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
ya
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
2 or 3 out of 10
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
when the thought occurs – and to recognize that it is simply a thought
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
n/a…stimulation can last a few seconds to a few minutes depending how long I decide to want to focus my attention on the thoughts
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
consequences are that I am continuing to isolate myself further by keeping myself in this love addiction loop….
actually…I recognize now it’s not the girl that I’m addicted to…it’s the thought…that is visualized in a pretty girl…that is what I’m addicted to. because I know I can use this same thought and attach it to any target. trigger: what would it be like to be with that person, behavior: think about that person, reward: feel less lonely.
if I do this habit loop multiple times throughout the day…of course I will feel less lonely.

I think the best thing for me is to truly ask myself…what do I get from this? every time I have this thought….i think that would at least allow me to be present with my habit loops…

If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
consequences can last as long as I use this as a means to stimulate myself this way…


thoughts of a girl / future partner
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
Yes
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
1 – 2 / 10
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?

As soon as I have the thought. to acknowledge it as simply a “thought”
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
acting on this thought would be…continuing with more thoughts.
can last for a few moments, to minutes, to hours, to years. depends how long I want to stimulate myself with these “thoughts”
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
consequences of having thoughts is…it will continue to feed the habit of stimulating myself with thoughts of girls that I will not be involved with. consequences of thoughts is…immature development of self.
consequences of that is…not reaching my fullest potential
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
it can be minutes, months, years…depends how long I engage in the thoughts






sexual thought of someone fooled around with
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
ya
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
3 – 4 / 10
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
as soon as I have the thought and to accept it as simply a “thought”
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
stimulating myself with these sexual thoughts can last for a few moments, to minutes, to hours, to days. depends how long I want to feed this habit loop.
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
consequences will be a continued reliance on feeding this habit sexual loop. the more I feed it, the more I want it. the less I feed it, the less I want it.
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
depends how long I continue to feed these sexual thoughts. it can last to a few moments, to days, weeks, months, years. the more I feed it, the longer it will last.














sexual thoughts of how I acted out in the past
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
yes
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
3 – 5 / 10
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?

as soon as I have the thought. to accept the thought as simply a thought.
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
depends how long I decide to feed the habit loop of sexual thoughts. the more I think about it, the longer it will last.
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
consequences depend on how long I feed it. the longer I feed these sexual habit loops, the longer they will last. the longer I rely on them, the more unhappy I will be. the more unhappy I will be, the more regret I will live with.
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
consequences depend on how long I feed it. the more I rely on these thoughts, the longer it will take to change this habit loop.






fantasizing about some girl to be my partner

will you be aware that a sexual / love addiction event is occurring?

ya

how intense will it be?

3 – 5 / 10

when will you turn to your values?

when I have the thought, visual cue, etc. as soon as I do --- I can simply note.

if I see the person, I can note “person”. I can also practice love and kindness and say to myself “may she be well”

if I have a thought of this person afterwards, I can note to myself “thinking”. or simply “thought”

if you choose to act out, how long do you anticipate the emotions will last?

the longer I feed on the habit without being mindful, the longer the emotions wil last

what are the consequences of choosing to act out?

consequences are that the longer I choose to stimulate myself without being mindful that I am doing so, the longer it will take to update the reward value of these habit loops

if there are consequences, how long do you anticipate they will last?

consequences are that I am making the habit loop stronger by thinking these thoughts…instead of breaking away from them and noting thoughts as just thoughts.

the thoughts used to serve me well in the past as a way to avoid my reality, yet they only serve to distract me now and the reward of having these thoughts isn’t the same reward when first having these thoughts initially.

if do not have the same reward…the only thing I need to do is to just be mindful and to just accept the thoughts as just thoughts. the reward value of having these thoughts will naturally be updated as long as I am accepting the thoughts as simply just thoughts…instead of resisting the thoughts.

I can accept my thoughts…yet thoughts do not define me.


having random love or sexual thoughts

will I be aware that I am having a compulsive sexual event?

yes

rate it out of ten

3 or 4


when will I turn to my values?
as soon as I’m having thoughts --- I will acknowledge and note the thoughts AND the feelings

what are the consequences of acting out?
will continue to feed habit loops even more

how long do I expect the intensity to last?
depending how long I choose to feed the habit loops


how long will consequences last?
as long as I continue to feed the habit loops….


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