Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sat Feb 27, 2021 1:45 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 60 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2020 11:20 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
cont lesson 20
2)

Future transitions? The thing that scares me with this question is that I don’t even need to be in a transition period of my life for the sexual thoughts to be there…and thus to lead to binges.

I already know a few examples this year that can lead to binges.

The current covid crisis.
How does it feel like? Well I know I’ve had thoughts of acting out. Or you know…I’ll own up to it. This quarantine period is a perfect time to binge on porn/internet. In fact, I already was using it with the news. I was obsessing, up until last Wednesday, every moment I get to be on the news. When I woke up, went to bed, taking breaks working at home…there is something soothing for my anxiety. The hopelessness. The fear. It’s contagious, and I was using it as an excuse to not focus on my main priorities. Now, in the sake of practicing kindness, this is an unprecedented moment. However, the addictive voice in my head is a shape shifter. It will adapt to my changing environment to run my anxiety to its maximum threshold…until thoughts will be more and more sexualized, which would lead to me searching on the internet…and then at that point…I would be compromised.

I would be compromised because my thoughts will already be manipulating my body for stimulation, which will then make me feel a delusional high of “feeling good”. Considering I am self-isolated, and I can lonely leave my apartment for walks or grocery store, my options would be limited. The internet is my sad source of human connection now. I’ve had zoom conference calls with friends. Who’s to say my addiction wouldn’t want to use this same device for making calls via Facetime to Jamie? She did actually text me the other day…and my mind still remembers her number in my mind…who’s to say I couldn’t just go on another escort site? Zoom and facetime is absolutely perfect for me. I can select and control who I want to see in the comforts of my own home to maximize the emotional and physical stimulation.

So…yes…considering I live in a spot area for this pandemic…I’ve already been working remotely for three weeks now. I am positive the worse is yet to come for Los Angeles, and we are not near flattening the curve. In short, it is not realistic for rules of stay at home to be place until the end of April.

What actions can I take?

I’ve already removed the # 1 source of the trigger = the news. Am I ignorant for not wanting to read about the pandemic? Yes. I’ll own up to that I simply am not tracking the depressing stats across the globe.

The proactive actions I need to be doing are focusing on my 2020 priorities still, which are:
Mastering tools in writing class
Writing and directing horror short
Complete two RN lessons per week
Read “power of your subconscious mind” weekly
Go out to date

Wow…this is how I worded these goals. I personally feel if I can take bite size steps daily for the first 3…then that’s more than I could ever hope for.

The other important thing is to continue to practice kindness, which includes:
Positive affirmations, corrective thinking
Daily self hugs with affirmations

The benefit of working remotely is that I can practice affirmations and corrective thinking at home without feeling self-conscious like at work (other than my roommate or neighbors listening to me say out loud ‘I am great!’
I am in a place where the only fear I am fighting daily is not covid-19 but the virus in my thoughts that I need to permanently remove from my brain by daily practice and focus of corrective thinking and affirmations.

Going home to visit my parents

I know this is not a major life transition, yet it has lead to relapses before…did I even relapse since I’ve deceived my recovery before? Anyways…I will go home this year for thanksgiving and Christmas…well, it’ll depend on my sister’s baby situation if I’ll go home for both…but…I’ve always had relapses during this period. I actually usually do around the end of the vacation…for example either a day or two before I fly back to LA or a few days after I fly home.

It’s the change. The transition of leaving home. Perhaps it reminds me of being emotionally abandoned? Whatever it is…I need to be conscious of my thoughts and decisions.

I feel like before I’ve had boundaries in place like not going on the internet…I personally would like to see if I can sleep in ANOTHER bedroom than the one I spent my adolescent teenage years…and to perhaps swap bedrooms with someone. However, the bedroom is not the source. It is my thoughts.

I just can be using all of the tools to take of me…but I still feel like that is not the source. I think can have conversations with my parents? But again…the source is in my mind. I need to get in touch with the thoughts in my mind then. There is some healing that hasn’t been resolved then. I would think it would be great to do personal writing. Journaling. Whatever thoughts come mind. Challenge my negative thoughts.

I understand…I’m scared of acting out on bad habits I developed in that bedroom and basement. but if I can learn to sit with my thoughts and pain…perhaps I can shift my perspective to heal my wounds.

I can talk to my parents, yet not sure how much more talking I can do with them.


A transition happening in a few months is me being an uncle (again!)
My sister who lives near me, about 45 minutes away, is having a baby this summer. I have one nephew, yet he lives across the country…so my life really hasn’t changed because I only see him a few times a year unfortunately. However, I would be spending much more time with my sister’s son…and it would completely change our relationships. Let’s just say she spoils me a lot.
I’m an adult now, yet it’s still nice to know that I have a sister who likes to look out for me. However, other than the costly reasons, I’m pretty sure it’s realistic to expect that she’ll be too busy or won’t have energy for looking out for me, and I’ll need to be the one who will need to participate in helping to raise this child.

This also comes with expecting to drive across town to her place and going more errand runs and baby sitting nights. In short, it won’t be about me, but about her baby…and it will be a lot more work with changing diapers, burping, etc.

Addiction be that special (not) friend for me during this time by simply wanting to not participate.

I could make up excuses why I’m not available to babysit…and to just even going on an internet porn binge….and say I was busy writing all day. I can be using this secret to take care of my rage because I would be angry at the world that I didn’t get the care that I wanted as a child…and resentful that I’m not having my needs met…and why should be helping her raise the baby…even though we don’t have any other family nearby really.

What can I do? I can continue to monitor my health…and to monitor my health tracking…to see if there are any delusions or secrets I’m keeping from myself? That sounds difficult to authentically measure my honesty if I may be dishonest…but it’s what I need to do.

I can also just communicate with her and share my feelings with her about roles and expectations so that I don’t like I’m being…taken advantage of? Which I know my sister wouldn’t…and I know she would be happy for my help…so ya I would be on the lookout for secrets or excuses to not be able to help. And to monitor my thoughts / am I enjoying myself when I am physically with them? It would be important to touch base with myself to see how I feel after spending time with them…and to include this as part of my health monitoring.


A transition that I look forward to that will be triggering for me is entering into a long term relationship. Considering I’ve only been in two relationships I have limited experience for how I would navigate them. I feel like at first there would be a part of me that wouldn’t want to commit unless it is absolutely perfect because if it’s not perfect, then what’s the point? I can find that on the internet where I’ve spent countless hours molding a perfection based upon illusions. I have to be honest I do not want to finish this lesson…I need to do it for the baby two year old picture hanging on my mirror closet door now…because he didn’t have a choice then while I do now. I also need to be honest that my mind has chosen to artificially stimulate me by thinking about anal penetration…back to this again…

When I find someone that I would commit to…my mind would still feel like there is something out there. I’m scared about my mind justifying decisions that would lead to an affair ie. it’s not cheating if I watch porn, partner isn’t a trans woman, so I need to somehow be fulfilled…to then dating or paying to have sex with a transgender woman. The thing is…it could be the other way around, too. I can be with a transgender woman, and convince myself that I need to be sexually fulfilled by watching porn with cis woman…to dating…to escorts. Or…as most recently…it doesn’t even have to be in person. I can keep it all a secret on the internet and start online relationships with others and facetime with them for sex.

The options for destroying my life are endless. This virus inside of me is a shape shifter and will adapt to my environment accordingly.

What can I do? Action steps? Absolute honesty. I would need to practice honesty with myself and my partner. I need to lean in to express uncomfortable feelings. Uncomfortable feelings that I may not be aware are making me uncomfortable. However, I need to do this because it is how I need to balance myself with growth.

I would need to be honest with my thoughts. If the unhealthy thoughts do not align with my life, I need to refer to my action list of my top values to reflect on achieving stimulation in these values to help manage my life effectively? If not, what actions steps do I need to take to achieve my top priorities? For example…if writing a script …but struggling…what action steps do I need to take to ensure its success? Take a break? Get feedback from trusted readers?
Professionally…I believe I will be paid fulltime as a director. I need to know that as exciting as this sounds…what are the slip ups this would be? My life now is predictable relatively…to transition to a completely new job…shooting a movie, distribution etc. will be incredibly stressful. When I do work on this short, depending on covid-19, and I when I work on another short and then a feature…these projects will increase in stakes.

How could I possibly act out? Why not hire an actor that I have a crush on and then our collaboration will fruition to a romance…where we will then form a partnership based on making movies together and building a family together? Yes, I have chosen thoughts in the past to create romantic delusions for a partner and career that may never fruition.

Or if it’s more a sexual stimulation…why not cruise the internet on my laptop in my hotel when I need to be making notes on a script? Or watching a movie in a hotel alone for some “relaxation”? or going out to a bar with colleagues for celebratory drinks and then end up at a strip joint?
Or more subtle like just using the internet on google maps to search for massage parlors or even more subtle than that like wanting to work with someone because of hope we’ll be together. What action steps can I take? I can include in my health monitoring…what am I receiving my emotional stimulation from? But more importantly…am I following the illusions in my mind to create stories for others to connect to? Or am I creating stimulations for my OWN enjoyment? That will stimulate only my mind? There is a pretty big difference between creating sexual stimulations and fantasies for my own enjoyment and working to connect to dreams that I can share with the world.

So in short…I would need to refer to my action list for what will generate the stimulation that I need to balance my life.

I also know that I will be relying on meditation a lot during this time period as I feel it is one of the most effective and efficient methods for stress management…I’ve only been doing it for over a year…and I know it will be an important tool for me.


Children. Will I have children? I have no idea. At this time, considering all of what I’ve been through in my life…I do not intend to procreate for another being to experience decades of addiction. I’m careful to not say I’m defective, yet realistic to be mindful that addiction is a coping mechanism for those on the Asperger spectrum…and I’d rather not risk having a child who may experience the same…yet subtle isolate that can manifest into something like addiction. However, if I do choose to have a child in a decade from now…I cannot imagine that I would want to do everything to be emotionally supportive for this child…and to remember it’s not about financial support but emotional support. This is what i lacked from my father and I would do everything to give him or her what I did not possess. Yet I fear the stress…I can just again find myself on the internet. But before the internet…just thinking about a perfection that is not realistic. Such ass being the perfect father…and making sure he has a perfect childhood. I could fantasize about him living the life that I never lived…and create a reality where I would be living vicariously through him…and to actually fantasize about how he can be living this perfect childhood and be ultimately perfectly happy if he achieved or did certain things. And in a way, I would be judging him / her the same way my father did…telling me to do things not because of what I wanted to do but because of the lack he experienced in his childhood. For example, he lacked a father who would play baseball with him. So when he had kids, he made sure we would learn how to swing toss a baseball. And the same with business school. He actually wished he worked in a finance job in midtown manhattan. It’s like my brother, who does exactly that, fulfilled my father’s fantasies. And in a way…I would just be doing the same thing.

The pursuit of perfect would lead to me pursuing perfection in fantasy because it does not exist in reality. Because it does not exist in reality, these fantasies of wanting to be a perfect father would ultimately lead me to isolating myself further from him. I would use whatever alternative escape method exists in the future, whether it’s the internet, VR glasses for videogames, etc…and I would be in the pursuit of perfection for my own stimulation…and ultimately isolating myself from the world. Or I can be working on a fantasy script to stimulate myself, in hope of sharing it with the world, but ultimately failing to bring it to fruition…and using it as a self-isolating method for isolating myself by creating thoughts that no one will see.

Or, even if others do see it…to use this as an obsessive source from avoiding uncomfortable feelings of raising a child.

Actions I would take would be about my action list…but it should actually be about my vision first and to ask myself…does this decision or thought align with my vision for my life? If it does, then what action steps do I need to take to achieve my vision?

If it doesn’t align with my vision, then I need to look deep within myself and do some deep reflection on rebuilding the cracks that are embedded in my foundation.

When someone that I know dies…
This will be a trigger for me. I imagine before that if someone like my brother passes away unexpectedly, that I could use this as an excuse to contact someone that I was attempting to move on…and that this would be the perfect opportunity to rekindle the romance…and that I could use this as an excuse to connect with someone. It would then lead to either reaching out to someone like Jamie for hooking up with or to someone I wish I could be in a relationship with. The point is that I would be left feeling worse than before I reached out and it would help spiral my life out of control.

I would just be using it as a victim card for making poor decisions and that I would be in a place for further acting out. I would look towards the vision or my life…if this is the life that I want to be building for myself? If it isn’t…then I need to take action steps to figure out what would be the right steps to be living the life that is aligned with my values.

Losing my job…like due to COVID-19 would be pretty scary and could lead to acting out. For example, with all of the free time that I would have could lead to me spending time on the internet, which could to just wanting to seek the many different ways of obsession for acting out….would need to stop by needing to reflect on my vision as well.

I also just feel like right now with this pandemic I’m struggling. I’ve had increase in sexual dreams the past few days. I mentioned about turning off the news and blocking it, yet this has only me want more news, and justify scrolling an hour on a Friday night because I hardly went on for most the week. I also need to stop ordering delivery of groceries and now and go to the grocery store because I am building habits I do not want to build.

I need to find a balance with having my phone on to make calls…and connect with family. In fact, my gut instinct to isolate myself more by having my phone off actually isn’t helpful for me…however…I do find an increase in stress with using my phone.

I need to take of myself, which means to do my priorities, yet also to get plenty of rest. I need to today…go to bed early. Sleeping in is a sign I am overstressed and avoiding life. I need to take of myself now or else face consequences of relying on unhealthy habits.



A transition that I know I may face that will be scary will if my sister unexpectedly or my brother pass away…
Or not even unexpected…when they pass away…hopefully many decades from now…that will be very sad. It will feel like a part of me doesn’t exist anymore…it will feel like a part of me would be taken from me. How would I handle? I fear that it can start with boredom. Boredom can lead to…not doing the thing that I would do to stay healthy. Then will come the reliance on my sexual thoughts…which can lead to new cookies or old cookies. As soon as I feel like I have a day or a period in time when I’m just sleeping in and not doing the things that I care about…that is when I need to take action.

Addiction thrives on complacency. If I am to live the rest of my life health, I must make taking care of myself a priority, especially though transition periods where immediate relief via sexual thoughts is just my own mind manipulating for my own enjoyment.

Another transition could be going single again after dating someone for a while…
A fiancé calling off the wedding, a divorce is finalized, or I catch my wife cheating on me, which would all lead to me being single again…whether it’s my decision or future partner’s decision.

Decisions that would arise…excluding getting cheated on…is to win back my former partner…ie to change their mind. A period of mourning can easily transition to a period of obsession, which is done to bury my pain, and to create thoughts of my partner in my mind and to create an illusion of us being together again. Even though there is a mental period of fantasizing after a break up, for most healthy adults, I know I could be doing this for months to even years, depending on the pain in avoidance…and will become so dependent upon my thoughts for physical and emotional stimulation…that I would not just become slowly disconnected with my values….but my perception of reality will normalize these thoughts. It will also help to normalize these thoughts because this is how my brain buried the pain and the reality in the past…by creating new thoughts to ignore my reality.

The hardest thing for me will be to slowly and gradually give myself space for mourning. To be mindful of my priority, yet to not use them to ignore my feelings…but to manage my feelings. It would be an important distinction to learn to manage my feelings with my values…instead of using my feelings to manage my values. For example, before in the past, I would transfer that obsession to the gym after a break up. Again, it’s the emotions surrounding the behavior, and the behavior itself. Thus, the gym was just my way to avoid the real pain that I felt.

It’s important to acknowledge and give space for the feelings. Not just intellectually journal and write down my anxiety, which again isn’t but…but to just give myself space to feel. And maybe sometimes there doesn’t have to be an actual step for mourning other than being kind to myself (self hugs, etc.) yet perhaps being kind to myself can be a step towards the action step of hugging myself…and to do nothing more than that.

In short, my addiction would love to take advantage of future heartache and pain…and feelings of abandonment (death in family, spouse, divorce, dumped) to feelings of failure (job loss, financial failure in a movie, feel like will never be hired again) to feelings of avoiding love (new relationships, child) my addiction is a sneaky shape shifter that is adaptable and yearns for my emotional weakness…to believe some lies (thoughts ) because they are simply easier to believe them than the reality and truth that life has. The most important tool that I have to allow myself to live the vision of my life is honesty. If I am honest with myself that I am creating fantasies…and ignoring / not connecting to what really matters to me…then the shapeshifter will be of no interest to me.

But as soon as I start to let the lies creep in…and they can be so subtle manipulation within my own mind…whether it’s to avoid something…then this is enough room for the shape shifter to form other lies…and to connect a ritual of thoughts…or just a string of thoughts that can consume my entire brain. The virus must not have room to breathe. It must be isolated in its corner and allowed to die. With morning…but no more bullshit. I fear the bullshit and the depiction has reappeared…re-infecting my mind with types of anxiety from covid-19. I need to be honest about this…and take actions to steps to eliminate it (focus on priorities for the day…eliminate the source ie. the news)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2020 11:21 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 21

Large goal failed:

I wanted to shoot and write a feature by the time I was 30…which was set when I was about 22 or 23.
Multiple reasons I failed:
Executive functioning skills (organization, goal setting, time management) were underdeveloped
By not learning the soft skills of organization, it became difficult to take steps forward.

Goal was developed in fantasy instead of reality
I failed because I set ambitious plans that allowed me to fail. For example, after my first script I wrote, I immediately started writing a fantasy script. If I wanted to shoot a movie, why would I start writing a script that would require a big budget movie? Why was I writing a movie that would be shot in two decades from now?
I know I love the genre, yet I was actually making it harder by working on the biggest goal first.

Goals were based out of immediate gratification instead of long term values
I wanted to write my fantasy script first…to be living in my fantasy world of creating such a beautiful world…instead of using my time, money, energy in writing something small that would be a bite size goal forward ie…shooting a short, which is what I’m working on now!

Driven by pursuit of perfection
As I realize I still am…the only way I can accomplish something and make my father proud is if it is absolutely the best possible thing that I can do. Thus…why not start by doing something that is so perfect that I actually don’t even achieve it? I was doomed to fail, not because I was writing a fantasy script, but because I was living in my fantasy in the pursuit of perfection…so my father would love me. I believed that my father would only love me if I wrote this amazing, ambitious fantasy script…yet by doing so…it completely derailed me of achieving a more realistic goal ie….shooting a micro budget movie by age 30…which is still a very ambitious goal to accomplish.

If only I would lean into failure…and take small steps forward...and recognize that failure is truly the only way to grow…then perhaps things would be different…but that’s ok


Large goal succeeded:

Completed undergraduate with two degrees in four years. I was able to do this because:

Hard worker
Intelligent
To be successful…less about soft skills (time mgmt) and more about intellectual learning ability. Even though, I would’ve been more successful with stronger softer skills.

There was a clear path to follow…passing exams from a set of classes…not that it isn’t challenging…but the path was set up before me.
Considering to following the path of my own heart, shooting a movie, is much more difficult when you do not know yourself

Making my father proud was more realistic
It was more realistic to make my father proud with this goal compared to completing a feature. Besides…I was studying finance because my father wanted me to…and at this point in my life…it was easier to do what my parents wanted me to do, instead of what I wanted to do. Compared to shooting a feature…would be going against what my father wanted me to do…


Complete horror short film
Note: completion of this short this year, is unfortunately dependent on COVID-19
Goal was to submit short to this horror film festival by July 15, yet this may not be feasible due to pandemic
However, ignoring the film festival, here are the actual steps to achieve this goal:

Preproduction
Complete second design draft
Execute on second design
Revise and rewrite third draft (if needed)
Revise and rewrite fourth draft (if needed)

Share draft with circle of readers (first time)

Revise and rewrite fifth draft (if needed)
Revise and rewrite sixth draft (if needed)
Revise and rewrite seventh draft (if needed)

Share draft with circle of readers (second time)

Revise and rewrite eighth draft (if needed)
Revise and rewrite ninth draft (if needed)
Revise and rewrite tenth draft (if needed)


Review budget for production team
Determine people I would need to complete it (camera, sound, actor, costume design)

Coordinate production
Contact people to shoot short (catering, DP, sound, costume design, actor, post production audio)
Share short script with production and post production contacts
If interested, move forward
Determine date of production
Arrange furniture in apt for shooting

Production
Shoot the short in one day

Post production
Coordinate post production (picture lock, audio mixing, etc.)

Submit to a potential film festival!







Lessson 22

SEX ADDICTION RITUALS
Ritual 1
1/5/20 Searched for massage parlors and prostitutes online for hours.

Number of elements = 11

3 Fantasy (imagery) – seeking relief in images / videos
Time: 9
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 7
Total: 9*3+8*3+7*3=72/11 = 6.55

2 Sensory (sight) – viewing of massage parlors online
Time: 6
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 7
Total: 6*2+6*2+7*2=38/11= 3.45

1 Sensory (touch) – stimulating myself
Time: 2
Intensity: 3
Habituation: 2
Total: 2*1+3*1+2*1=7/11= .64

1 Sensory (sound) – videos of hearing prostitutes perform
Time: 1
Intensity: 2
Habituation: 2
Total: 1*1+2*1+2*1=5/11 = .45

2 Fantasy (delusional) – this person is “the one”
Time: 7
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 7*2+7*2+7*2= 42/11 = 3.82

1 Danger – fantasy of hiring a prostitute
Time: 5
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 4
Total: 5*1 + 6*1 + 4*1 = 15/11 = 1.36

2 Suspense – will I find perfection?
Time: 8
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 6
Total: 8*2+ 6*2 + 6*2 = 40/11 = 3.64

2 Accomplishment – choosing perfect person to fantasize about being with
Time: 3
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 5
Total: 3*2 + 8*2 + 5*2 = 32/11 = 2.91

2 – Power – fantasy of having complete control over choosing “the one”
Time: 4
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 4
Total: 4*2+4*2+4*2=24/11 = 2.18

1 Past – fulfill emotional deprivation from childhood by finding the one
Time: 3
Intensity: 2
Habituation: 2
Total: 3*1+2*1+2*1=7/11=.64

2 Sensory (sight) – viewing of transgender porn star prostitutes
Time: 9
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 10
Total: 9*2+10*2+10*2=58/11= 5.27
Grand total = 30.91 at age 31


Ritual 2
Masturbating when 14 in shower, fantasizing about classmate

Number of elements = 7

3 Fantasy (imagery) – fantasizing sex with classmate
Time: 8
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 8
Total: 8*3+9*3+8*3=75/7=10.71

3 past – use images from seeing her earlier to fuel fantasy
Time: 8
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 8
Total: 8*3+7*3+8*3=69/7=9.86

2 sensory (touch) – masturbation
Time: 8
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 8
Total: 8*2+9*2+8*2=50/7=7.14

2 orgasm
Time: 3
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 3
Total: 3*2+10*2+3*2=32/7=4.57

1 sensory (touch) – lotion
Time: 6
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 7
Total: 6*1+10*1+7*1=23/7= 3.29

1 sensory (touch) – water
Time: 7
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 3
Total: 7*1+4*1+3*1 = 14/7=2.00

1 suspense – will I orgasm? When?
Time: 2
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 4
Total: 2*1+5*1+4*1= 11/7= 1.57

Ritual # 2 grand total = 39.14 at age 14


Ritual 3
Masturbation and orgasm to transgender porn when intoxicated in college on a Saturday night.

Number of elements = 10

3 Fantasy (imagery) – waiting to masturbate to porn
Time: 9
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 8
Total: 9*3+8*3+8*3=75/10=75

3 sensory (sight) - porn
Time: 8
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 9
Total: 8*3+10*3+9*3=81/10=8.10

1 sensory (sound) – audio from porn videos
Time: 5
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 3
Total: 5*1+6*1+3*1=14/10=1.40

2 poly addictions - alcohol
Time: 5
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 4
Total: 5*2+4*2+4*2=26/10=2.60

2 sensory (touch) – masturbation
Time: 4
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 6
Total: 4*2+7*2+6*2=34/10= 3.40

1 sensory (sound) – techno music added from youtube videos
Time: 5
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 3
Total: 5*1+6*1+3*1 = 14/10=1.40

2 orgasm
Time: 3
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 3
Total: 3*2+7*2+3*2 = 26/10=2.60

1 accomplishment
Time: 4
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 4
Total: 4*1+4*1+4*1 = 12/10=1.20

2 suspense
Time: 8
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 8
Total: 8*2+9*2+8*2 = 40/10=4.00

1 fantasy (romantic delusion) – found the one
Time: 4
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 6
Total: 4*1+5*1+6*1 = 15/10=1.50

Ritual # 3 grand total = 33.70 at age 20



Ritual 4 = ritual 4.01 + ritual 4.02
Ritual 4.01

Make out in a bar with a transgender woman who seemed like a prostitute, yet no exchange of money.
Number of elements in ritual 4.01 = 11

3 Fantasy (imagery) – going out
Time: 7
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 7*3+7*3+7*3=63/11=5.72

3 sensory (sight) - her
Time: 8
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 7
Total: 8*3+9*3+7*3=72/11=6.55

2 sensory (touch) – touching her
Time: 7
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 8
Total: 7*2+10*2+8*2=50/11=4.55

1 sensory (sound) - her
Time: 6
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 5
Total: 6*1+5*1+5*1=16/11=1.45

1 sensory (sound) – bar music
Time: 7
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 4
Total: 7*1+4*1+4*1=15/11= 1.36

1 sensory (sight) – (bar / couple / stripper & guy hooking up next to me)
Time: 5
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 6
Total: 5*1+7*1+6*1 = 18/11=1.64

1 sensory (taste)
Time: 5
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 7
Total: 5*1+8*1+7*1 = 20/11=1.82

2 danger
Time: 4
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 7
Total: 4*2+9*2+7*2 = 40/11=3.64

2 sensory (touch) – her touching me
Time: 7
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 8
Total: 7*2+9*2+8*2 = 48/11=4.36

2 suspense – going to her
Time: 6
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 5
Total: 6*2+7*2+5*2 = 36/11=3.27

1 accomplishment – finding a replacement after dumped by ex a month before
Time: 5
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 4
Total: 5*1+6*1+4*=1 = 15/11=1.36

Ritual # 4.01 grand total = 35.73 at age 25

Ritual 4.02
Go home to read her text messages and fantasize about her.
Number of elements in ritual 4.02 = 13

3 fantasy (imagery) – after return home --- imagine our hookup / possible future hooking up
Time: 3
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 3
Total: 3*3+5*3+3*3 = 33/13=2.54

2 past – looking at text message after returned home
Time: 2
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 2
Total: 2*2+4*2+2*2 = 16/13=1.23

Ritual # 4.02 grand total = 3.70 at age 25

Ritual 4.01 + Ritual 4.02 = grand total of 39.50 at age 25




Ritual 5
Projected ritual in two years
--- will be 33
Ritual 5.1 = Search online for transgender escort
Ritual 5.2 = go to person’s apartment to have sex with a pornstar transgender prostitute

Ritual 5.1
Number of elements = 11

3 Fantasy (imagery)
Time: 6
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 6
Total: 6*3+6*3+6*3=54/11 = 4.91

1 Fantasy (romantic delusion)
Time: 6
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 6
Total: 6*1+6*1+6*1=18/11= 1.64

1 Sensory (sight) – random hook ups searching
Time: 4
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 5
Total: 4*1+4*1+5*1=13/11= 1.18

3 Sensory (sight) – pornstar/prostitute
Time: 7
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 7*3+7*3+7*3=63/11 = 5.73

1 sensory (touch)
Time: 2
Intensity: 2
Habituation: 2
Total: 2*1+2*1+2*1= 6/11 = 0.55

1 sensory (sound)
Time: 1
Intensity: 2
Habituation: 2
Total: 1*1 + 2*1 + 2*1 = 5/11 = .45

1 danger
Time: 7
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 5
Total: 7*1+ 6*1 + 5*1 = 18/11 = 1.64

1 suspense
Time: 7
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 7*1 + 7*1 + 7*1 = 21/11 = 1.91

2 accomplishment --- select person to meet
Time: 5
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 6
Total: 5*2+7*2+6*2=36/11 = 3.27

1 power
Time: 3
Intensity: 3
Habituation: 3
Total: 3*1+3*1+3*1=9/11=.82

1 past
Time: 2
Intensity: 2
Habituation: 2
Total: 2*1+2*1+2*1= 6/11= .55

Total ritual 5.1 = 22.64 at age 33



Ritual 5.2 = go to person’s apartment to have sex with a pornstar transgender prostitute
Number of elements (including ritual 5.1) = 23

3 fantasy (imagery)
Time: 7
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 8
Total: 7*3 + 10*3 + 8*3 = 75/23 = 3.26

2 suspense
Time: 7
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 9
Total: 7*2+ 7*2 + 9*2 = 46/23 = 2.00

3 danger
Time: 8
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 9
Total: 8*3 + 7*3 + 9*3 = 72/23 = 3.13

1 sensory (sound)
Time: 5
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 5
Total: 5*1+7*1+5*1=17/23 = 0.74

3 sensory (touch) – me touching her
Time: 7
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 9
Total: 7*3+10*3+9*3=78/23= 3.39

2 sensory (taste)
Time: 6
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 7
Total: 6*2+8*2+7*2= 42/23= 1.83

1 sensory (smell)
Time: 6
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 4
Total: 6*1 + 7*1 + 4*1 = 17/23 = 0.74

1 orgasm
Time: 2
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 3
Total: 2*1+ 10*1 + 3*1 = 15/23 = 0.65

2 accomplishment
Time: 3
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 7
Total: 3*2 + 9*2 + 7*2 = 38/23 = 1.65

1 fantasy (delusional)
Time: 5
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 4
Total: 5*1+7*1+4*1=16/23 = 0.70

1 power
Time: 5
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 4
Total: 5*1+6*1+4*1=15/23= 0.65

2 sensory (touch) – her touching me
Time: 7
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 9
Total: 7*2+10*2+9*2= 52/23= 2.26

Total ritual 5.2 = 21.00 at age 33

Grand total ritual 5.1 at 22.64 + ritual 5.2 at 21.00 = 43.64 at projected age of 33




LOVE ADDICTION RITUALS

Ritual 1
January 2020
See Thao at work. Talk to her. She tells me she wants me to email her link of my meditation teach. I email her link and she responds with “thank you”.

Number of elements = 7

3 sensory (sight)
Time: 7
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 8
Total: 7*3+ 9*3 + 8*3 = 72/7 = 10.29

2 sensory (sound)
Time: 7
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 7
Total: 7*2 + 8*2 + 7*2= 44/7 = 6.29

2 fantasy (imagery)
Time: 9
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 9*2+7*2+7*2=42/7 = 6

3 fantasy (romantic delusion)
Time: 10
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 9
Total: 10*3+9*3+9*3=84/7= 12

2 suspense
Time: 6
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 6
Total: 6*2+7*2+6*2= 38/7= 5.43

1 accomplishment
Time: 3
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 5
Total: 3*1+6*1+5*1= 14/7= 2
1 past – reminds me of last girl interested in / can make it work now
Time: 3
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 5
Total: 3*1+6*1+5*1= 14/7= 2

Total ritual 1= 44.00 at age 31



Ritual 2
Send Jamie a message on internet dating app, talk to her on phone, to our first date making out.

Number of elements = 10

3 fantasy (romantic delusion)
Time: 8
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 8
Total: 8*3+ 8*3 + 8*3 = 72/10 = 7.2

2 fantasy (imagery)
Time: 9
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 9
Total: 9*2 + 10*2 + 9*2= 58/10 = 5.8

2 sensory (sight) – in person
Time: 9
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 10
Total: 9*2+10*2+10*2=58/10 = 5.8

1 sensory (sound)
Time: 6
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 6*1+7*1+7*1=87/10= 8.7

1 sensory (taste)
Time: 8
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 10
Total: 8*1+10*1+10*1= 28/10= 2.8

2 sensory (touch)
Time: 7
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 10
Total: 7*2+10*2+10*2= 54/10= 5.4

2 accomplishment
Time: 7
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 9
Total: 7*2+9*2+9*2= 50/10= 5.0

2 suspense
Time: 7
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 7*2+7*2+7*2= 42/10= 4.2

1 sensory (smell)
Time: 5
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 7
Total: 5*1+6*1+7*1= 18/10= 1.8

Total ritual 2= 48.00 at age 28



Ritual 3.01 and 3.02
Ritual 3.01 texting and talking to Erika for months before meeting her at age 22

Number of elements in ritual 3.01 = 8

3 sensory (sight) – online pics
Time: 9
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 8
Total: 9*3+ 8*3 + 8*3 = 75/8 = 9.38

2 sensory (sound) – voice over phone
Time: 8
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 7
Total: 8*2 + 8*2 + 7*2= 46/8 = 5.75

3 fantasy (imagery)
Time: 9
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 9
Total: 9*3+9*3+9*3=81/8 = 10.13

3 fantasy (romantic delusion)
Time: 9
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 9
Total: 9*3+10*3+9*3=84/8= 10.5

2 suspense
Time: 7
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 7*2+7*2+7*2= 42/8= 5.25

2 accomplishment
Time: 5
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 6
Total: 5*2+6*2+6*2= 17/8= 2.13

1 past
Time: 4
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 4
Total: 4*1+6*1+4*1= 14/8= 1.75

1 danger
Time: 3
Intensity: 3
Habituation: 3
Total: 3*1+3*1+3*1= 9/8= 1.13

Total for ritual 3.01 = 46.00


Ritual 3.02
Meet Erika in person
Number of elements (including 3.01) = 20

3 sensory (sight in person)
Time: 9
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 9
Total: 9*3+10*3+9*3= 84/20=4.2

2 sensory (sound)
Time: 8
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 7
Total: 8*2+9*2+7*2= 48/20=2.8

2 sensory (touch)
Time: 9
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 9
Total: 9*2+10*2+9*2= 58/20= 2.8

1 sensory (taste)
Time: 5
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 6
Total: 5*1+9*1+6*1= 20/20= 1.00

1 sensory (smell)
Time: 6
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 5
Total: 6*1+7*1+5*1= 19/20= .95

3 fantasy (imagery)
Time: 9
Intensity: 9
Habituation: 9
Total: 9*3+9*3+9*3= 81/20= 4.05

3 fantasy (romantic delusion)
Time: 9
Intensity: 10
Habituation: 9
Total: 9*3+10*3+9*3= 84/20= 4.20

1 suspense
Time: 8
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 8*1+7*1+7*1= 22/20= 1.10

1 danger
Time: 4
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 4
Total: 4*1+5*1+4*1= 13/20= .65

1 orgasm
Time: 5
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 4
Total: 5*1+8*1+4*1= 17/20= .85

2 accomplishment
Time: 5
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 5
Total: 5*2+5*2+5*2= 30/20= 1.5

1 past
Time: 3
Intensity: 3
Habituation: 3
Total: 3*1+3*1+3*1= 9/20= .45

Total ritual 3.02= 24.15 at age 22

Grand total ritual 3.01 + ritual 3.02 = 70.15



Ritual # 4
See Caroline in lunch room
Number of elements = 4

3 sensory (sight)
Time: 5
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 7
Total: 5*3+ 8*3 + 7*3 =60/4 = 15

1 sensory (sound)
Time: 3
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 6
Total: 3*1 + 4*1 + 6*1= 13/4 = 3.25

3 fantasy (imagery)
Time: 6
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 8
Total: 6*3+8*3+8*3=66/4 = 16.5

fantasy (romantic delusion)
Time: 3
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 7
Total: 3*2+7*2+7*2 =38/4= 9.5

Grand total ritual #4 at age 15 = 44.25




Lesson 23
Well measuring compulsive behavior (breaking down the elements, assigning emotional stimulation to elements and behaviors) is essential.

I’ve already been incorporating this information into my life. But not necessarily rituals but just for making decisions. Such as recently when I realize I’m stressed i know that running has been something that can quickly elevate my mood and give me the stimulation I need to manage my health through health.

Yet I feel it goes much deeper than this. I’ve been doing a lot of breathing work recently from an anxiety management program I’ve found and about just breathing into the anxiety that I feel within my body. It’s incredibly effective and learning to just stay and be with my anxiety instead of just substituting it with another behavior, which essentially may be driven by my anxiety. This has been really important for my journey towards health.

However…in the past few weeks when I’ve had triggers…it’s incredibly helpful to just breakdown moments of sexual fantasizing and to itemize it. to literally breakdown the elements that have created a sexual fantasy….whether it’s someone in the past, talking to currently, or just creating…it’s great to just break them down this way though.

However, after breaking down the elements…the best way that I’ve learned to manage them in the moment is to just be with them and to breathe into my anxiety where I feel it most prevalent in my body.

I know going forward when I will face situations of acting out…such as going home for the holidays….breaking down the elements is crucial. And not just of an act but for rituals.

so it’s like this:
home for holidays
time spent with parents* trigger
reminded of childhood
FALL INTO ROUTINE OF BEING A TEENAGER --- sleeping in late, eating poorly, etc. * behavior
Desire to seek similar stimulations like a child (videogames, alone time on computer)
Searching the internet late at night (youtube, internet dating apps, etc.) *reward

And from these behaviors I can breakdown the elements involved specifically in the ritual, which usually involve: fantasy (imagery), sensory (sight), past, accomplishment, suspense, etc.

So I know using these measurements is really just the basics for preventing future relapses.

Also need to note to self: even though doing other work outside of RN on my journey towards health --- I need to remind myself that I’m working specifically on RN for relapse prevention….to grow through health. Unfortunately, addiction has layers…yet this is the main reason why I need to complete these lessons for myself.

In order for the 2 year old boy (me) hanging on my mirror gets the chance to have the life that he deserves. And to live a fulfilling and rewarding and meaningful life he deserves.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2020 7:05 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4020
Location: UK
Hi LK
wow you have been busy
not sure if I have ever said this here on RN but
is it possible that you are over thinking your recovering, seeking sidelines rather than staying on the main track
being afraid of fear cannot be healthy, face those demons and put them away
If I am off the mark here just ignore

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2020 8:44 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
@kenzo thanks for thoughts. definitely agree with you on lesson 20. i did not need to go into that much detail. i definitely need to go into that detail for lesson 22 though.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2020 8:46 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 24

Sex and love addiction elements:
Sensory
Fantasy – sexual
Fantasy – romantic delusion
Power
Accomplishment
Orgasm
Danger
Suspense
Poly-addictions
Past
Perfection
Boredom

SEX ADDICTION COMPULSIVE RITUALS

Most recent masturbation on Jan 1st 2020:
1
Sexual fantasy thoughts when enter shower in the morning
Time: 3
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 5
Total: 1.18

3
On plane back home: strong intensity of sexual fantasies during turbulence
Time: 7
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 7
Total: 6

1
Hungry and exhausted when arrive home
Time: 5
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 4
Total: 1.27

1
Boredom - Watch TV + have pizza
Time: 5
Intensity: 5
Habituation: 5
Total: 1.36

2
Suspense – consider about masturbating in shower before bed
Time: 4
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 6
Total: 2.91

2
Sexual thoughts of masturbation when showering
Time: 3
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 6
Total: 2.91

1
Sensory of touch - water
Time: 5
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 6
Total: 1.54

1
Sensory of touch – lotion
Time: 5
Intensity: 7
Habituation: 6
Total: 1.63


3
Sensory of touch - masturbate
Time: 7
Intensity: 8
Habituation: 4
Total: 5.18

2
Orgasm
Time: 3
Intensity: 6
Habituation: 3
Total: 2.18

1
Accomplishment – feel guilty
Time: 5
Intensity: 4
Habituation: 5
Total: 1.27

Grand Total: 27.45



Random hook up with Aaron in Feb 2018:

2
Boredom – get in car to go car home
T: 5
I: 4
H: 3
Total: 1.14

3
Fantasy imagery - Scrolling through app to see who’s on
T: 9
I: 8
H:7
Total: 3.42

2
Fantasy sexual - Get a message from Aaron
T: 7
I: 8
H: 7
Total: 2.10

2
Fantasy sexual - Confirm to meet her at her apartment
T: 7
I: 7
H: 8
Total: 2.10

2
Suspense - Drive over to her neighborhood
T: 7
I: 7
H: 8
Total: 2.10

2
Danger - Pick up weed that she wanted to from a weed shop
T: 4
I: 5
H: 5
Total: 1.33

1
Suspense - Wait for her to get back to me
T: 6
I: 7
H: 6
Total: .90

1
Fantasy sexual - Check phone for other hook up email possibilities
T: 4
I: 5
H: 3
Total: .57
2
Suspense - Enter Aaron’s apartment building
T: 6
I: 7
H: 7
Total: 1.90

1
Danger - Enter Aaron’s apartment
T:7
I: 7
H: 7
Total: 1.00

3
Sensory of sight – See Aaron
T: 7
I: 8
H: 8
Total: 3.14

1
Sensory of sound – hear Aaron
T: 5
I: 6
H: 6
Total: .81

1
Sensory of taste – kissing Aaron
T: 6
I: 9
H: 6
Total: 1.00

2
Sensory of touch – touching Aaron
T: 6
I: 8
H: 7
Total: 2.00

1
Deny to have sex with her
T: 3
I: 2
H: 3
Total: .38

3
Sensory of touch – Aaron masturbating me
T: 8
I: 10
H: 9
Total: 3.85

1
Sensory of touch – masturbate Aaron
T: 7
I: 5
H: 6
Total: .86

2
Orgasm
T: 8
I: 10
H: 9
Total: 2.57

1
Accomplishment - Clean up, feel happy
T: 7
I: 10
H: 8
Total: 1.19

1
Accomplishment - Get text message from her
T: 5
I: 5
H: 4
Total: .67

1
Accomplishment - Receive payment from her for weed purchased
T: 2
I: 2
H: 2
Total: .28

Grand total: 33.05







Watched porn after pride parade in June 2019
1
Home from pride
T: 2
I: 3
H: 3
Total: .38

1
Meditate
T: 3
I: 6
H: 6
Total: .71

1
Dinner
T: 3
I: 5
H: 6
Total: .66

2
Boredom - watch TV in living room
T: 4
I: 4
H: 4
Total: 1.14

3
Boredom - Scroll on computer
T: 5
I: 5
H: 4
Total: 2

1
Suspense - Search for meeting older women at bars on internet
T: 4
I: 6
H: 5
Total: .71


1
Suspense - Search for older women on social media
T: 5
I: 6
H: 5
Total: .76

1
Suspense - Search for hook up apps
T: 4
I: 6
H: 5
Total: .71

1
Suspense - Search for web cam on social media site
T: 5
I: 7
H: 5
Total: .81


2
Suspense - Find videos of transgender pornstar on youtube
T: 3
I: 8
H: 4
Total: 1.42

2
Suspense - Head to bedroom with laptop to search for porn – PoNR
T: 2
I: 8
H: 4
Total: 1.33

1
Suspense - Learn that transgender pornstar may not be alive? Excuse to justify search for porn
T: 2
I: 3
H: 3
Total: .38


3
Fantasy (imagery) Search for videos (perfect one)
T: 9
I: 9
H: 8
Total: 3.71

3 sensory of sight – searching for videos
T: 9
I: 9
H: 8
Total: 3.71

2 suspense – searching for videos
T: 8
I: 7
H: 8
Total 2.19

1 sound – videos
T: 5
I: 5
H: 4
Total: .66

1
Perfection - Find one that seems good, yet doesn’t feel perfect enough
T: 2
I: 7
H: 7
Total: .76

2
Sensory of touch - Masturbate
T: 2
I: 6
H: 4
Total: 1.14

2
Orgasm
T: 2
I: 5
H: 5
Total: .57

2
Shock & guilt & disappointment
T: 2
I: 4
H: 5
Total: 1.04

1 Danger --- roommate home
T: 4
I: 4
H: 4
Total: .57

Grand total: 25.43





LOVE ADDICTION
fantasize to ask Shilie out


2
boredom – same old at day job
T: 5
I: 2
H: 3
Total: 2.22

3
sensory (sight) see Shilie in hallway
T: 4
I: 10
H: 10
Total: 8

3
fantasy (romantic delusion) – imagine she’s the one
T: 8
I: 10
H: 10
Total: 9.33

2
suspense – ask therapist and sponsor about asking her out
T: 3
I: 3
H: 5
Total: 2.44

1
past – fearful of rejection
T: 2
I: 3
H: 4
Total: 1.00

2
suspense – decide to ask her out
T: 2
I: 7
H: 6
Total: 3.33

1
sensory (sound) – ask Shilie out for lunch
T: 2
I: 9
H: 8
Total: 2.11

2
sensory (sight) – ask Shilie out
T: 2
I: 10
H: 10
Total: 4.89

2
accomplishment – feel great when ask Shilie out
T: 2
I: 7
H: 6
Total: 3.33

Grand Total: 36.67


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 19, 2020 3:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 25

Compulsive ritual in March 2020

Received text message from unknown number
Read text message and realized it was from ex – beginning
Felt aroused when read text msg because she wanted to hook up
Triggered sexual fantasies of potential future hook ups with her
Read text message again and analyzed it further (emojis, words) - PoNR
Fantasized more sexual possibilities
Physical sensories triggered of heart racing, felt hotter
Felt disgusted when rationally considering this
Deleted text message
Blocked her number
Arousal ended
Heart beat normalized



Masturbation compulsive ritual on 1/1/2020

Exhausted from flight home

Bored watching TV and eating pizza - beginning
Decide to take shower
Felt good with hot water
Add lotion to stimulate myself
Began fantasizing
Not sure if I should masturbate or not - PoNR
Decide to masturbate in shower with lotion
Add more lotion to increase stimulation
Debate about whether I should or orgasm or not
Orgasm
End shower
Question whether or not it was a good decision
Question why did I masturbate on new years day when I was stressed out


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2020 6:58 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 26

November 23, 2018 – day after thanksgiving
Intense conversation with immediate family in evening
Lying on my bed before bed
Bored on phone
Scroll through bisexual meetup app
Thoughts of finding a match
Desire to fantasize about someone
Scroll through names for potential target
Scroll through different profiles
Desire to continue fantasizing
Check out other sexual groups on meetup
Find myself bored searching
Go to my computer for searching
Desire to feel visually stimulated
Search for transgender pornstars on youtube
Feel aroused
Sensory of sight stimulated
Convince myself this is not breaking boundaries
Continue alternative searches to avoid feeling guilty later
Search for cities in asia to meet transgender women
Fantasy of thought stimulated
Sensory of sight of videos on youtube stimulated
Find myself bored
Thoughts of continuing search on social media
Search for transgender women on facebook
Intense search for the perfect one
Visually stimulated about finding the perfect one on facebook
Search through her pictures
Read through her profile
Create fantasy of perfection with her profile and pictures
Debate on whether or not to contact her
Weigh the risks and benefits
Decide to write her a message
Feel excited
Feel like I’m taking steps towards finding the perfect match
Feel accomplished after sending message
Go to bed
Wake up next morning
Check facebook
Feel guilty and foolish for not receiving reply
Feel embarrassed for tricking myself / wasting my time

October, 2019 (Sunday --- based on rejection)
Bored on a Sunday
Texting with friends in the afternoon
Doing writing work for class
Friends want to meet up
I ignore texts from them and decide not to join them
Convince myself I’m “working”
Decide to search on dating sites
Search for dating turns to hookup apps
Download hookup apps on phone
Make profiles
Take selfies of myself for profile
Search through several apps for hours
Look at their pictures
Feel bored on apps that don’t pan out
Spend money on apps, yet convince myself it’s worth it
Find an app that seems like the supreme hookup app
Excited to scroll through app
Find someone who seems they want to hookup
Talk with therapist over phone at 4pm
Convince myself I’m doing it to explore my sexuality with cis woman (not transgender women)
Decide to not move forward with person
Disappointed it’s a scam
Feel a rush when excited another person wants to meet
Excited that they want to meet right now
Examine the extreme close up photo just of their mouth
Excited in texting exchange they’re looking to give bjs
Concerned that they wouldn’t want me to see this person’s face
Disappointed when realize it’s a crossdresser
Decide to not meet person
Continue searching on app around 7pm
Excited when recognize the physical attraction of woman nearby
Annoyed that she wants me to come over even though she is with her nephews
Annoyed she wants me to bring a condom
Decide to not bring a condom since do not want to go all the way
Excited to make this a reality when walk to car
Texting with her in car
She needs me to bring a condom
Annoyed considering spending money going to Walgreens
Annoyed when turn around to go back home
Sit in car
Recognize I’m doing this as a way to avoid rejection from girl who wasn’t interested in me a month before
Text girl I’m not meeting her
She’s angry and pissed
Feel happy for not meeting her



January 5th, 2020 (Sunday --- based on rejection)
Wake up bored around 8:30am
Think about meditating, yet decide not to
Choose to pick up phone to search on google maps
Search for massage parlors
Sexual fantasies from scrolling through reviews, pictures
Sexual fantasies about all of the different options available in LA
Become bored searching on phone
Transition to searching on laptop for increasing stimulation
Scroll and analyze different options available
Find websites that have many more options than google maps
Select top three potentially consider
Concern over STDs
Research regarding safety of STDs at massage parlors
Become bored
Believe I meditate in the afternoon*
After meditation, expand search to escorts
Fascinated with websites and options dedicated to escorts
Find a specific transgender escort site that is blocked
Recognize it is blocked after two or three seconds***increased stimulation from getting around porn blocker***
Use my phone to take pictures of the escorts on the laptop before site is blocked
Google search for escorts on laptop
Find a nude video to watch of escort
Select top two candidates would consider
Brain feels drained and body feels starving
Continue searching even though past point of maximum threshold
Research on STDs probability with transgender escorts
Feel exhausted yet continue searching to 6pm
Have dinner
Regret


Mid January, 2020
Eating lunch at work in kitchen
Scrolling through phone for distraction
Colleague enters
Try to maintain my focus on the conversation and not her body
Chat with her about meditation
Mind wanders thinking about how she could be such a good match for me
Mind uses conversation as confirmation for how we’re perfect for each other with similar interests ie. meditation
I finish up lunch
We walk out of kitchen together
Focus on her height
Fantasize that she’s the perfect height for me
She tells me to email her the meditation info that I’ve used
Feel heart racing
Feel arousal
Look deeply into her face
Feel like this is a sign that I’m supposed to follow
Rush back to desk
Work for an hour
Fantasize and planning on sending the email
Debate the time
Write out a draft – professional yet friendly
Send email
Bike home for lunch
Thoughts wander about how she’s a better fit for me than the last girl I dated
Meditate at home during lunch
Check email
See her response with my name misspelled
Reality hits me
Feel foolish for creating the sexual romantic delusion


May 18th, 2020
Close to end of 4 mile run
See a woman jogging / walking up ahead towards me
Pick up speed downhill
Hope to impress her
Look both ways before crossing street
Disappointed when our paths don’t cross since she goes left at stop sign instead of straight


May 19th, 2020
Go to bed at night
Listen to unwinding anxiety
Thoughts of Drew from our only two dates last December
Consider about having a zoom conversation with her
Explore what it would be like to catch up with her
Recognize that this is just my anxiety and a conversation with her would lead to more anxiety
Feel annoyed of habit to think of people in the past for comfort


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 25, 2020 4:48 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 27

Rituals engaged in simultaneously (love and sex addiction)


January 5th, 2020 acting out
Bored
Search for massage parlors on phone
Search for massage parlors on computer
Search for escorts
Search for transgender escorts
Find transgender pornstar escort
perfection = sex addiction
fantasy of romantic delusion = love addiction
Sensory of sight = perfection = sex addiction
Sensory of sight + fantasy (romantic delusion) = love addiction

Rituals engaged in back to back – in college
Pregame heavily
Go out and drink with friends
Come home to dorm
Watch porn while drunk
Find perfect video / image
Masturbate
Orgasm
Achieve goal


Compulsive back to back chains engaged in over months:

May 2019 - Love addiction
Look forward to going to Pride parade
Dream of finding someone that I can go out and possibly date

June 2019 - Sex addiction
Aroused at pride
Masturbate to porn when come home

Aug / Sept 2019 – Love addiction
Ask Shilie out on date
Believes she’s perfect for me
Rejected

Oct 2019 – Sex addiction
Lingering feelings of rejection from Shilie
Search on dating apps all day on a Sunday
Fantasize about having a random hookup
Almost decide to have a random hookup
Cancel it because it was more enjoyable to create the sexual fantasy alone

Oct – Dec 2019 – Love addiction
Meet Drew in person
Feel like she’s a good fit for me
Fantasize about meeting her more & future
Rejected from her in December

Jan 5th 2020 – Sex addiction
Feelings of rejection lingering in Jan
Decide to jump on escort search & massage parlor websites
Feel sexual fantasy & romantic delusion reach maximum threshold


The thing that was most helpful for me in this lesson was breaking down how the chains connect over months…and that love addiction usually precedes my sex addiction. It makes sense though. I’ll have thoughts on someone who I want to date. Things do not fruition. Because they do not move forward…i go back to these habits since I was 15…I would just act out sexually…and alone.
And this loop is how I keep myself alone.

I know obviously I haven’t been dating the past few months. The thing that is most hopeful for me is that it’s not like there is intellectual knowledge that I need to date healthy. I mean…I’ll take that back…there IS some information that would help me when return back to dating. However, the only way that I’ll correct bad habits is to be mindful. Especially very much so mindful when I am dating. And to expect that, my mind will want to return to acting out if I am rejected / things don’t work out / I reject them.

It’s easier to just become discouraged and to….validate my low self esteem by acting out.
Than to just…be mindful and to be curious of my anxiety when I am feeling anxiety during moments of dating. And to be mindful of my anxiety. And if I have thoughts about acting out…to ask myself that simple question…what do I get from this? Or what would I get from this if I choose to do that?

I can only change my behavior in the moment of experiences. Only when I am mindful of my physical sensations and how this impacts my body. At least from what I’ve been learning from unwinding anxiety app.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2020 3:31 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 28

1/5/20 acting out
wake up bored
decide to not meditate in the morning
fantasize about continuing search on phone from prior night
search for local massage parlors on google maps
stimulation from sensory of sight increases with pictures
fantasy from scrolling of different massage parlors in area
increase stimulation in fantasy by expanding search
increase stimulation in fantasy by reading reviews
fantasy + danger thoughts of going to massage parlors increase stimulation
use element of ‘perfection’ to select top 3 potential massage parlors that would achieve fantasy
when select top massage parlors, reach maximum threshold of stimulation
boredom sets in temporarily
thoughts to increase stimulation from laptop instead of phone (increase in SENSORY of SIGHT stimulation --- literally with a bigger screen)
increase in arousal due to fantasy of searching on laptop
jump onto laptop to search
review top massage parlors on laptop for validation of ‘perfection’
boredom seems to set in
increase stimulation by continuing to search for reviews on massage parlors --- fantasy
increase in stimulation when find websites dedicated to reviews on massage parlors / escorts / etc.
increase in stimulation in regards to danger because can see realistic reviews (this is not just an isolated fantasy experience, yet is now confirmed with real experiences from people)
increase in anxiety about source of PERECTION --- since there’s a risk of getting STDs from massage parlors
reality of danger DECREASES stimulation since perfection cannot exist if I objectively acknowledge STD risks (unlike viewing pornography there is no risk of STD since it’s an isolated act)
decrease in stimulation due to reality
boredom temporarily sets in
search of fantasy increases when find massage parlor that is more of a ‘transcendental / spiritual experience’
thoughts of sexual fantasy to continue this search validated because practice ‘vedic meditation’
justify continuing searching because can find a balance of a sexual experience that is also aligned with my ‘spirituality’
increase in stimulation in fantasy because find local ‘spiritual’ massage parlors
continue search on ‘spiritual’ massage parlors
search for PERFECTION on the one that I would consider meeting
review potential time slots to possibly meet the PERFECT ‘spiritual’ massage person
read other reviews of this ‘spiritual’ massage place – fantasy
Debate on the other PERFECT massage parlors I found earlier
Reach maximum threshold in sensory of sight and fantasy of massage parlor options (so many options, which is the best one)
Undecided of what to choose
To prevent boredom from setting in, increase in stimulation regarding danger + sensory of sight + fantasy by searching for escorts
begin searching for escorts
Increase in stimulation when find escorts website dedicated to local escorts (did not know this existed outside of craigslist --- novelty is why huge increase in stimulation)
increase in fantasy of escorts when expand search to international escorts
increase in perfection of escorts and the fantasy of paying for one who’s international
increase sensory of sight when search for transgender local escorts
increase in suspense to find perfection because porn blocker prevents me from accessing a page
increase in suspense when use phone to take picture of escort page, right before I’m blocked
increase in suspense when use picture taken to input escorts contact info on google
increase in sensory of sight when find nudity (porn) of escorts on these escort pages
increase in sensory of sound stimulation when watch video and hear music of escort promotional videos
increase in suspense + perfection in finding the perfect local escort
compare fantasies of perfection when review other top options from earlier in the day (massage parlor + spiritual massage parlor)
highest increase in sensory of sight + element of perfection + accomplishment + danger when find the top TWO transgender escorts
maximum threshold reached when confirm that one of the local transgender escorts is also a pornstar
over maximum threshold: search on possibility of getting STDs from a transgender escort / pornstar
decrease in stimulation due to reality of STDs
guilt and shame outweighs stimulation





How I can manipulate these sources of stimulation in the future:

1)
Bored when wake up
Decide to not meditate
Search for local massage parlors
Call up local massage parlor
Walk to closest massage parlor
Increase in danger when enter massage parlor
May leave massage parlor

2)
Bored when wake up
Decide to not meditate
Search for local massage parlors
Call up local massage parlor
Walk to closest massage parlor
Increase in danger when enter massage parlor
Decide to get a ‘normal’ massage


3)
Bored when wake up
Decide to not meditate
Search for local massage parlors
Call up local massage parlor
Walk to closest massage parlor
Increase in danger when enter massage parlor
Decide to get a happy ending massage

4)
Searching for stuff on computer
Unable to search for porn due to porn blocker
Determine to increase SENSORY OF SIGHT stimulation by searching for porn on smart tv
Increase in danger because roommate can return
Increase in danger because blinds may not completely cover me
Increase in sensory of sound with videos because of sound system


5)
Searching on computer
Determine to get a massage that is a ‘spiritual’ one
Lie to myself that this is aligned with my values
Increase in danger when go to massage parlor
Increase in sensory of sight + touch + sound during massage

6)
Search on computer
Fantasize about paying for local transgender escort
Increase in suspense to find the PRIOR / PERFECT escort that I found on January 5th 2020
ACCOMPLISHMENT if / when FIND perfect escort that I found online on January 5th 2020
Increase in fantasy to find other PERFECT transgender escorts in the area
Shift perhaps to find a WEB CAM MODEL that I can masturbate to online (increase in sensory of sight + fantasy + in isolation)
Determine if can INCREASE SENSORY OF SIGHT by searching on TV (bigger than laptop)
INCREASE SENSORY OF SOUND by using speakers on TV
INCREASE DANGER by getting caught by ROOMMATE or NEIGHBORS walking by closed blinds

INCREASE IN SENSORY OF SIGHT + PERFECTION by having WEB CAM session with local transgender pornstar escort

INCREASE DANGER by meeting pornstar escort in person
INCREASE SUSPENSE by meeting pornstar escort in person
INCREASE FANTASY by meeting pornstar escort in person
Increase sensory of SIGHT by actually SEEING pornstar escort in person
MAXIMUM ACCOMPLISHMENT by having sex with pornstar escort

7)
After have sex with pornstar escort, continue stimulation by
Searching on phone for more escorts in area
Increase in danger by meeting other escorts

8)
Increase sensory of sight + fantasy, by buying a bigger TV and keep in my bedroom
Increase sensory of sight stimulation by searching and paying for web cam models for TV
Increase sensory of touch stimulation by purchasing specific masturbation lotions
Increase sensory of touch stimulation by purchasing sexual toys for masturbation

9)
Increase in sensory of sight stimulation by having multiple TV screens in bedroom (1 for playing porn + 1 for web cam models + laptop for searching) --- all simultaneously
Increase in touch stimulation by using new lotions + objects for masturbation
Increase in danger + touch by having strangers coming in and out of bedroom for sex
Increase in suspense because will constantly be searching for perfection
Increase in romantic delusion by being romantically involved with an escort --- who is perfection
Increase in fantasy because find new elements of porn or isolate sexual activities


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2020 8:44 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
lesson 29

A.
I felt happiness when thinking about my brother’s wedding. I felt sadness when thinking about times acting out. I felt sad that the only way I believed I could be happy was just to get as high as possible (drinking + porn + techno music). I felt depressed when thinking about moments that ingrained the believe that I’ll be alone forever…playing guitar in the dark because feeling lonely, crying from girl who rejected me in high school. Sad about thinking about being at my grandfather’s funeral.

I felt pain when thinking about the physical moments in life such as when running a race in cross country or rowing in college. Darker moments when I felt suicidal during college, and how that was balanced with getting really high.

I was breathing heavily during these darker moments.

I then jumped into the last time I acted out on 1/5/20. I felt my heart racing at the thoughts of fantasizing and creating the sexual fantasies in my mind. The arousal that I was feeling.

That’s when it actually hit me. Not just an intellectual experience, but a visceral one. My thoughts that create the dopamine. My own cocaine dispense in my brain.

I could finally experience this because I was literally intentionally choosing to focus on sexual triggers. And I could feel the rush from a simple few thoughts connected together to create an image in my mind. I could feel the connection between the sadness resulting from the arousal. That it’s all…all of this pain and misery over my life…have been from choosing thoughts that have created these arousals.

I know this from program. But…this is the first time I feel like I’ve actually really experienced it though. And allow myself to embrace not going to act out. To then feel my heartbeat slowing down to normal. To feel the resiliency and the calm waters that reflect my prioritized values…with a hint of kindness that I’m developing for myself.

The anxiety for not acting out…wasn’t really there. It was actually a joy for me to just allow myself to say ‘no I won’t act out’ and I was relieved as my heart beat slowed down. Glad I didn’t feel much resistance…


B.
The least anxious that I’ve experienced. Towards the end of this…sitting with my emotions…I imagined the moments that I felt the most calm. It was when I was….i believe I was in college…and I went on a family trip to Mexico. I remember snorkeling in these caves with a group. I just felt…like this adventurer who was exploring this whole new world that I’ve never seen before. It just felt amazing to be in the water and taking in the environment.

The most anxious I’ve ever been? I didn’t focus on it during my eyes closed…but it would be…going to the grocery store for the first time during this covid pandemic. I felt like I was going to pass out from my anxiety. I could barely breath with my facemask on, yet I needed air to calm my body. I almost felt like I was drowning from the lack of oxygen. I didn’t even want to breath because I felt I would inhale covid floating down the aisles. And it was all about fear of the unknown.

My relationship with anxiety has been toxic. I know it’s basically at the root cause of my addiction. Spiraling negative thoughts that stress myself out, and I need to balance that out with acting out. I’ve done it so many times. Too many. Thankfully I’m working on my anxiety in this other program called unwinding anxiety (UA). It definitely helps a lot. UA and RN are both great resources to transition a life from addiction to health.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2020 3:50 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 31

A. Stresses over the past week


Severe:
Preparation for job interview not related with creative career
Paying $3,000 for camera equipment

Moderate:
Covid-19 & police brutality on news
Concern if contracted coronavirus after protesting
Thoughts on reaching out to Drew
Handling boss’ passive aggressive emails
Attempting to resolve work issues
Preparing for short(s) to shoot

Mild:
Contacted from recruiter after interview --- no job offer
Procrastination from reading news


B.
I would say now…that no…not all 100% of my energy is being drained into my values to balance my stress. I would say I definitely use procrastinating, distracting myself, escapism such as scrolling through the news on covid-19, BLM, protesting worldwide…definitely drains my energy

It’s a bit annoying because I felt it was becoming more manageable before the whole protesting started…yet ever since it did…it was very draining the past few weeks…which is why it felt so much better to actually attend a march and do something about it.

In terms of spending my energy, it means I’m not spending it the best way that I would like to. And it’s important for me to sit with my anxiety and to be curious when my body is tense and I want to go scrolling through articles on the New York Times. Ask myself…what do I really get from it? of course, sometimes it’s great information, and other times…it just may not be so helpful

List of values:
Spirituality – yes I practice meditation daily, yet I don’t feel “drained” afterwards
Screenwriting – yes actively working this value
Commitment --- yes with work
Evolution --- yes evolution with working on RN & unwinding anxiety apps
Organization --- a little bit when I have a moment
Directing --- yes actively working on this / preparing for this
Dating --- no activity
Family --- healthy relationships
Friends --- positive and healthy
Physical health --- yes do this several times a week
Nutrition --- yes enjoy this weekly
Finances --- not too active
Fun --- not active enough
Adventure --- yes with biking!
Autonomy --- not really work on this now


Severe:
Preparation for job interview not related with creative career --- yes connected with value of creativity overall and commitment
Paying $3,000 for camera equipment --- yes connected with value of directing

Moderate:
Covid-19 & police brutality on news --- not connected with values
Concern if contracted coronavirus after protesting --- not connected with values
Thoughts on reaching out to Drew --- not connected with values
Handling boss’ passive aggressive emails --- connected with values of commitment for work
Attempting to resolve work issues --- connected with values of commitment for work
Preparing for short(s) to shoot --- connected with value of directing

Mild:
Contacted from recruiter after interview --- no job offer --- connected with conflicting values of commitment and creative career
Procrastination from reading news --- not connected with values

C.
In terms of meaning and fulfillment? Definitely feels related to my values. Such as meditating daily, doing some form of exercise about 3-4 times a week, screenwriting, preparing to direct shorts, video chats with family and friends, using unwinding anxiety app for improving my relationship with my anxiety and changing my thoughts.

I do spend time procrastinating still. Moments where I can be doing something to avoid doing something else. Watching too much tv. Reading articles online about everything going on. Not really helpful at a certain point.

I just feel right now it’s less about the doing, and more about the being that is most important. I can always be doing something…but it’s about being where I am…in my body….feeling the physical sensations in my body when stressed that is helping me stay the most present.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2020 5:33 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
lesson 32

REVISED ACTION PLAN

Spirituality
Practice vedic meditation
Repeat infinite subconscious prayer when falling asleep and waking up
Listen to zoom meditation recordings

Screenwriting
Continue with writing classes
Evaluate if want to watch plot-casting videos

Commitment
Arrive at work by 9:15 AM (if not doing creative projects)
Follow through on my commitment to others

Evolution
Write down daily - positive affirmations / kindness phrases
Attend Unwinding Anxiety zoom sessions
Re-watch Unwinding Anxiety sessions
Complete RN lessons

Organization
Find a routine for cleaning home! Just for 15 mins daily…
Donate items

Short Film Projects
Complete post production of quarantine short film, which includes:
Picture lock
Finalize picture

Sound
Recording audio
Review Prologic for purchase
Purchase sound effects
Mix audio (Prologic + sound effects + audio)

Color
Review LUT for purchase, apply LUT in FCP, experiment with it

Title Cards
Review programs to develop appropriate title cards

Submit to peers for reviews

Final edits
Submit to a film festival

Review potential other projects to shoot in 2020:
Horror short
Aspie short


Edit baby video of Tony by his birthday Aug 13
Read scripts to see on perspective of directing

Dating
When ready for dating, will:
go to a LGBTQ meetup event on zoom
Potentially join a dating app


Family
Need to self-isolate for 2 weeks before can meet new nephew
Continue Facetime with family
Set up a date to see tio Ruben!

Friends
Continue connection with:
The Squad
Former SLAA: Jon, Stephen, Bryant,
Co-workers
Call friends from highschool (Laura, Doug, Darren)
Call friends from college (Meambree, Liana, Chris, Stas)


Physical health
Review equipment to purchase (dumbbells, exercise ball)
Continue running
Continue biking

Nutrition
Cook new recipes with iron skillet purchased!
Make pizza on iron skillet for neighbors!


Finances
Get a quote for possibly switching car insurance
Search for on bank acct how to transfer CC points to savings accts
Review credit card options to possibly have a new credit card for grocery shopping
Research on HSA website to automate investments


Fun
Finish watching avatar: last airbender
Perhaps play videogames? Not sure if this aligns with my values…connected with past addiction…
Play guitar
Read GoT?

Adventure
Bike to new places
Run to new places

Autonomy
Research hygiene self-care for toes
Fashion: Purchase new shoes for different outfits



ORIGINAL ACTION PLAN WITH COMMENTS
Spirituality
Practice vedic meditation
Attend a vedic meditation class
Read “Power of Your Subconscious Mind”
Practice “visualization” praying technique
Repeat infinite subconscious prayer when falling asleep and waking up

I continue my daily meditation practice
I listened to audiobook of “power of your subconscious mind”, yet did not finish reading it
I do practice the visualization prayer technique
I continue to tell myself the subconscious prayer when go to bed, yet not wake up


Screenwriting
Re-write class notes in master notebook
Watch plot-casting videos and take notes by May 1st before link expires
Watch Godfather and breakdown movie
Read Neil’s scripts and analyze
Write horror short film by April 15th
Develop and write Asperger feature film

I did not do any of the above mentioned action plans, yet I am continuing with my writing classes
I did write another short instead and in the process of editing it…just not the horror one


Commitment
Arrive at work by 9:15 AM
Complete past due evernote tasks for work
Follow through on my commitment to others

I do not start my work by 9:15am
I’ve fallen behind in my commitment to my job…since I’ve been focusing on my commitment to creativity / post production on this short


Evolution
Listen to a hypnosis session
Write positive affirmations
Write corrective thinking
Subscribe and listen to Unwind Anxiety app
Complete RN lessons

I continue to write positive affirmations daily
I do not continue with corrective thinking
I listened to Unwinding Anxiety app, have become involved in community forum, and have listened in on several of the zoom calls
I continue to work through RN


Organization
Utilize bullet journal daily
Watch DIY housecleaning videos online for vinegar
Watch DIY housecleaning videos online using baking soda
Watch DIY housecleaning videos online for dusting
Listen to Marie Kondo audiobook
Donate items
Consolidate food with mason jars
Buy macramé hanging plant for bedroom

I utilize my bullet journal on a daily basis
I’ve watched DIY housecleaning videos for vinegar, baking
I listened to some of Marie Kondo’s audiobook, yet did not finish it
I did not donate items, yet I have consolidated my donations
I’ve consolidated food with mason jars
I did not buy new hanging plants, yet I do have lovely plants in my home


Directing
Edit baby video of Tony!
Listen to academy of storytellers videos
SHOOT HORROR SHORT NO LATER THAN MAY 30*
EDIT HORROR SHORT
SUBMIT HORROR SHORT FOR JULY 15 DEADLINE*

I did not direct the horror short, yet I did direct a quarantine short, which I’m in the process of editing
I did a ton of research on camera equipment and gained a lot of hands on experience with shooting short myself


Dating
Go to a LGBTQ meetup event
Go to a meditation meetup event
Go to an outdoor hiking / camping meetup event

I have not gone to any meetup events during quarantine

Family
Email Dad
Talk to Mom on facetime
Hang out with sister
Facetime with brother and nephew
Sleepover at Ruben’s place

I talk to my family frequently over facetime and phone during this time

Friends
Connect with Jon
Coordinate an out of town weekend hangout with the Squad!
Hangout with neighbors
Call friends from highschool (Laura, Doug, Darren)
Call friends from college (Meambree, Liana, Chris, Stas)
Hang out with Stephen from SLAA
Hang out with Ellenie and her hubbie
Hang out with Stephanie and Karl
Hang out with coworkers
Go to an outdoor camping meetup event
Go to a LGBTQ meetup event

I’ve lost touch with some friends, yet I’ve gained a stronger friendship with others

Physical health
Go to the gym!
Learn new workout routines to do at home and implement
Go for a run
Go for a bike ride!

I bike, run, and I’ve learned new home workout routines
To consider buying weights for workout routines


Nutrition
Cook new recipes!
Make pancakes!
Make vegan cookies!
Cook new meal prep recipes

I’ve cooked a ton of new recipes during this time, which I enjoy

Finances
Get a quote for possibly switching car insurance
Search for on bank acct how to transfer CC points to savings accts
Review credit card options to possibly have a new credit card for grocery shopping
Research on HSA website to automate investments

I have not yet researched switching car insurance, transferring CC points, CC options, or HSA investments
I have saved quite a bit of money for myself during this time


Fun
Watch a movie and order pizza
Play guitar
Read GOT book 2
I’ve had fun lounging around --- movies + pizza, playing guitar, videogames
I have not yet continued reading books


Adventure
Connect with Laura if will go camping this summer
Go to a museum to take pictures
Go on a bike ride
Take a camping class to learn how to do it

I did go hiking yesterday that was somewhat socially distant

Autonomy
Youtube how to live a more environmentally friendly lifestyle
Research about using baking soda for saving $ and environmentally friendly ie. deodorant.
Youtube facewash with wash clothes
Research hygiene self-care (skin, toes, back)


I have not yet researched on environmentally friendly life style
I will not be using baking soda for deodorant or toothpaste as I thought would be cool
I do not need to research using wash clothes
I can perhaps research on improving hygiene


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2020 8:19 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 33
Day 1

I’m looking forward to learning more about anticipating my emotions over the next few days.
Last night I decided to have some ice cream. Easier to anticipate that I would feel good if I had some ice cream. I had 1 piece of mochi and some ice cream. I think I wanted a second mochi but anticipated I probably wouldn’t feel good then. Simple enough example.

This morning I woke up to some charley horses. One on the top of my left foot and then later on my right. I remember thinking that this is just ‘finite emotions’…which is true…the pain did subside…but didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Considering I had four charley horses in about an hour…the finite emotions reminder just felt more annoying than comforting when I wanted to chop off my leg for the pain to go away. But it did end. The physical pain did end and now my ankles feel perfectly fine.

interestingly enough...i felt this was due to karma re: the charley horse. i went running yesterday and i haven't run in a few days. as soon as i started running, i saw a girl who just seemed...attractive. her hair color was like a bluish? clearly different. so of course i wanted to catch up to her...which meant starting my run at a faster pace. i knew i didn't need to pass her, but i wanted to.
and then i get charley horses for starting my run at a faster pace lol


Day 2
Still monitoring my emotional state. Feel a little weird with the anticipating emotions. I knew I was going to have a stressful day since started my day late…and just with things going on…so it wasn’t really helpful at the moment. However, anticipating emotions was helpful when I had a choice to make.
And it’s interesting how even though I anticipated that some decisions may not have been the best (staying up later / playing videogames) I still did it anyways. And also made decisions that I’m glad I did by anticipating my emotions (doing errands now vs. end chat call with friends).

I would like to start role playing future / past behavior re: anticipating emotions.

I’m happy I’ve been working on mindfulness over past few months by connecting with how my body feels in unwinding anxiety program, yet curious to see about anticipating emotions re: decisions.

Sometimes it felt a little silly though…like I was getting hungry and I could anticipate that I will be a mess due to my hangriness condition in about ten minutes. But I get it’s more about anticipating emotions regarding the choices that we have control over in every moment of my life.

during the week of this exercise felt like i learned re: anticipating emotions. i did not practice anticipating emotions for long term / extreme life events ie. funerals, children, etc. but more about day to day anticipations, which was helpful.


Last edited by foundman on Fri Jul 24, 2020 12:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 11, 2020 4:08 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
random journal...

I just wanted a check in now. I’m about six months since my last major acting out…on 1/5/20…
I feel like I’m reaching a crossing point in my recovery…not just that but in my life.

I feel like…like I’m starting to open my eyes for the first time. Like…I feel like my recovery really started when I started meditating in January 2019. And then it took me about a year to recognize that I was still an addict regardless I dropped porn from my life.

Yet I feel like I’ve gained momentum and some separation from before that I am at a crossroad for how I want to live the rest of my life. Not just talking about 6 months – 1 year + of just not “acting out” (even though in my head I can still be sexualizing and romanticizing every girl that I see)….but really about letting go.

And to be honest. I absolutely hate this part of letting go. Every time I catch myself…like today I started to create this romantic fantasy with a cute friend of mine that I haven’t chatted to in awhile. Videochatted with her and some other friends. As soon as I left and went out to do errands…I created thoughts in seconds of reconnecting a friendship now and allowing it to blossom to something more intimate.
I just got so frustrated and annoyed as soon as I started having all of these thoughts because the thing is…she’s not even close to where I am. She used to live in LA but she lives in Seattle now. it’s like I just want to create these safety nets of relationship where I can create false intimacy. It’s the same baloney as before. And it infuriates me because it’s just me creating my artificial stimulation with thoughts. And that’s the thing that I have to let go of.

The ability to just sexualize anything to make me feel better.

I need to go to bed now…but the main point of this journal…is that…
The past 2 weeks have been…stressful, yet also amazing. I kind’ve dropped the ball on a lot of areas that I was focusing on in my life to finally focus on my dream: making movies. I’ve been working on a short film that I’m planning on reshooting again this weekend. And I just can’t help but make the correlation that this is exactly what my life has been like under the wings of addiction.

I was just dreaming my whole life away. Creating stimulation with my thoughts. Dreaming of making movies. Dreaming of creating value with my imagination. And now I feel like…I actually am doing it. like I’m transitioning from just dreaming my life…to doing.

HOWEVER…this is where RN and recovery kicks in…I can tell I’m not fully prepared for managing reality with confidence. During the past two weeks I’ve found myself doing some habits that I just felt I was doing out of stress (excessive reading on the news, having more chocolate / treats) not like anything connected with my sexual addiction but just like immediate gratification nonetheless. Now I know this is where I need to practice kindness…and to be kind to pick myself up…but I just know that overall…I’ve been stressed from the same value that is also giving me so much stimulation and fulfillment and enjoyment in my life.
Like my sleep schedule has been out of wack (partially since shooting at night) and ya.
So I just feel like I’m at a cross roads right now.

Do I choose to…not just pursue my values…the things that give me most fulfillment in my life…but choose to manage these emotions through health ie. eat a bowl of ice cream or go on a bike ride?
Now again…this isn’t black & white…it’s about a balance, which is why it’s most important for honesty with myself.

Will like to do another check in for this in a few months.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 11, 2020 8:45 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4020
Location: UK
Hi LK turning into FM

Quote:
Do I choose to…not just pursue my values…the things that give me most fulfillment in my life…but choose to manage these emotions through health ie. eat a bowl of ice cream or go on a bike ride?
Now again…this isn’t black & white…it’s about a balance, which is why it’s most important for honesty with myself.


for sure you do get to choose
indeed I believe that you have already chosen

So why pontificate over letting go

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 60 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 19 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group