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PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2020 1:07 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
thanks, Kenzo!

lesson 34

A. Example of immediate gratification:
When I was looking up strippers / escorts / massage parlors on Jan 5th 2020 all day and put off the consequences that I:
Didn’t accomplish my goals that day
Would feel intense / guilt and shame for doing things that I thought I was done doing

I actually had a choice that morning. I could’ve chosen to meditate or to get on my phone and start the internet search. I chose the latter.

Another example…when I was back home a few years ago and I went out with my brother and his girlfriend at the time. I remember coming home drunk. And I remember I could’ve gone to bed, yet instead I chose to look up porn for a few more hours. This was like seven years or so ago. Intense guilt and shame followed the next day later with a hangover.

B.
When I flew back to LA on Jan 1st 2020…I remember feeling this…intense feeling enter my body. I had these extremely strong sexual thoughts and fantasies appear about porn stars. I remember acknowledging that it was just stress / sexualizing since I was flying back to LA, and trying to “ride out” the waves. But it felt inside my body like…I had no control over my feelings. Like I had zero control over the perception that I can alter my feelings. That my feelings are my feelings and if I feel like acting out in my head then so be it.

It wasn’t like a surrender and embracing of reality….but more of an acceptance of it defining me instead of it just being a moment. Instead of it just being a “thought” that I’m sexualizing things right now…it almost felt like this recognition of…this is who I AM.

It doesn’t matter that I was in SLAA meetings, working steps with a sponsor, see a therapist, take GAD meds…none of that matters. Like I had zero control over my thoughts. And because I genuinely believed in this get out of jail free card perception of my life…that I do not choose…that is exactly why my body reacted that way.

That my body felt like I had NO control over the choice of my thoughts and my feelings. And because I had no choice…it was just a reflection of who I am…this chaotic / holiday self inflicting acting out cycle that has continued for every year I go home for the holidays…

My body felt out of control then. The feelings were like an 11 out of the 10 anxiety scale. It was my perception and my inability to recognize that I choose, which alters my perception.

Most recently…when I’m going out for a run or going to the grocery store…a part of me will see someone who is attractive and a part of me will tell myself “don’t look! Don’t objectify!” how does my body feel? It feels tense. And I can acknowledge the tension. But I think my body doesn’t feel like a ten out of ten for anxiety because I’ve been believing in the power of choice. If I can choose my thoughts, which changes my perception, I can choose my life. And I feel like my body is following my thoughts
Still working on hoping my anxiety of seeing someone in public will decrease…it’s been helpful to send them positive thoughts ie. “may she be well / may she be happy” from anxiety driven thoughts of don’t look / don’t objectify…to turn that fear into peace.

C.
What does it feel like when I’m engaging in a ritual? Well it varies on the intensity of the ritual.
When I go back to January 5th…and found transgender prostitute escorts in my local area….it was….ecstasy for my brain. I don’t even know how my body felt…I think my heart must’ve been racing…but it’s like I was creating all of these sexual images and story in my mind and it just somehow was projected onto my computer screen…like this perfection. Like I found the perfect piece of cocaine that I’ve been searching for years. And ironically…I wasn’t searching it for years…it just happened to be the thing that provided the most stimulation since all of the prior ones decreased in intensity…
It’s like I wasn’t here. I was completely disconnected from my body. I was disconnected from life itself. I was entranced in another world that me and my computer screen created.

No…I was entranced in a world that my mind created. I could create such intense stimulation with my brain…at a cost to disconnect from reality completely.

lesson 35
post it on my bathroom mirror:
today I'm going to look for opportunities to write down anxiety triggers and shift to curiosity

started this on...Sunday...i wrote one or two in my bullet journal, yet more just trying to be mindful of what is triggering me. identifying triggers hasn't been too difficult...just more about managing anxiety when overwhelming has been for past few days. but believe will be better at least for work for next few days...


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2020 10:31 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
Lesson 36

I.
Sex addiction

Not having well-define boundaries with drinking. For example…I realized I was an addict around 22, and I limited my drinking a lot…especially living in LA. However, every time I would go home for the holidays, I would resort back to my drinking habits like I didn’t have an addiction. Thus, would lead to drinking too much and then acting out.

Even throughout the years when I started drinking less and less…I still always kept this loophole open for acting out…because I had boundaries for drinking when not on holiday…but on holiday would allow me to act out.

Love addiction
I would say a more recent one is with boundaries when something that may seem just out of worry can quickly spiral into something destructive. For example…when I had a crush on this girl at work…and she seemed interested too…yet lost interest as soon as I told her about working on a bisexual documentary…plus having a rainbow flag on my desk…she quickly changed her demeanor around me and didn’t want to chat anymore.
I then went on an internet binge on “girls dating bi guys” and just about “bisexuality and dating”. this then impacted my life further when I then acted out by searching on dating apps all day on a Sunday and then last minute bailing on meeting up with a girl for a random hook up…to make my ego feel better / prove my masculinity to myself etc…

In short: boundaries for internet. Boundaries of my integrity diminished over this person I hardly knew.

II.
Sex addiction

I meet someone on a first date. They want me to come over to fool around. I can protect my boundaries by just saying no…and to call it off on getting to know this person more since my long term goals of finding a long term partner do not align with her short term goals of just messing around

Love addiction
This one is tricky…
I know for example I have continued to fool myself that things can work out with someone when they’re not a match. Boundary of letting go and accepting reality.

Because I feel I can cross that boundary and get into obsessive thinking and creating a fantasy…and once that happens then not only does that…reinforce this negative belief of me never finding someone…but it does so in a way because I know deep down that someone isn’t a match…yet I know I receive some stimulation in convincing myself that things can possibly work out with such and such and like oh wouldn’t this be nice if we were together and such and such.

I think the subtle boundary for myself…that whenever I’m fantasizing about someone that…I know….who is under the category of colleague / friend etc…that it is actually making it that much more difficult for myself to meet someone in reality…because I’m settling for a fantasy that cannot manifest into a reality.

For example…I spend a lot of time with my neighbors. One of them is a good friend, yet I realize at times that sometimes I’ll get some sort of artificial stimulation by imagining if we would be together because we have similar things in common / values etc….so like last night when spending time with my neighbor and I had those thoughts…I remember coming back to my apt and telling myself the realistic thoughts that I know we are not compatible for x, y, and z reasons. And then the fantasy slips away.

I think it would be curious the next time that I do spend time with her…to just be mindful of the fantasy thoughts that I’m engaging in. what do I get from it? what do I get from this energy of spending time imagining that I would date my neighbor when I know that we would never work out? I know it’s a way of me keeping myself safe ….and if I actually want to be with someone in reality and develop an enduring relationship not just a 1-3 month stint…then I’ll need to let go of these fantasies…especially these random stimulations / thoughts that I could date my neighbor…or because we’re friends then maybe the chemistry would be there when there is no chemistry to begin with. And we’ve known each other for like four years.

Curious. I actually cross this subtle boundary all the time…because it helps keep me trapped…and it’s easier to not actually go out and date someone when I get to spend quality time with my neighbor…where I can imagine / fantasize that we could date. Gosh that sounds sad. It’s a crutch. And I’ll need to let go of that. Not of our friendship. But just the fantasy that I create with it from time to time.

So in short for love addiction: I don’t know if I can have a hard boundary for fantasizing. Yet need to be mindful that it makes it more difficult to achieve my long term goal of finding a compatible partner if I continue to cross the boundary of creating fantasies of friends / colleagues / strangers on internet / whomever I see --- because these fantasies keep me safe --- and prevent me from going out to meeting people if I’m just creating a fantasy for myself.


Commitment to myself vs. fun
Sounds silly but…my neighbor invited me over to see her two kittens late around 9pm last night. I was planning on getting ready for bed soon, yet decided to head up, watch TV…and came back down around 11pm. Was it fun? Yes.
But wondering if I had stronger boundaries re: following my original ‘plan’ for the night ie. going to bed earlier would’ve served me well. Boundary would be…friendship vs. commitment to my plans? Also just need to be kind to myself and recognize it’s important and healthy for me to have fun. Felt like though…a part of it just out of feeling lonely and wanting to spend time with someone ie my neighbor instead of specifically her? But regardless was fun.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2020 4:43 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
lesson 37

Values...not in order

1. Directing
2. Screenwriting
3. Finance
4. Commitment
5. Spirituality
6. Autonomy
7. Organization
8. Family
9. Friends
10. Adventure
11. Fun
12. Nutrition
13. Evolution
14. Dating
15. Physical health

Spirituality
• I will meditate in the morning daily
• I will meditate in the afternoon or evening daily
• I will attend another vedic meditation session by my teacher
• I will attempt to be as comfortable as possible when meditating
• I will think of positive thoughts after meditation

Commitment
• I will follow through on my word to myself and to others
• I will serve my boss’ needs, even if I disagree with them
• I will commit to myself completely to screenwriting and directing…and to always continue moving forward, no matter what others tell me
• I will accept consequences of my commitments
• I will not use excuses to not follow through

Family
• I will call my parents at least once a week
• I will be a loving and supportive uncle
• I will be there for my family when they need me…as they’ve been there for me
• I will see my parents during the holidays…unless I have my own family
• I will be vulnerable, open, and transparent with my close family I feel comfortable sharing feelings
• I will not create lies to cover up acting out as reasons to not spend time with them
• I will practice gratitude for having a loving family
• I will practice kindness with my parents as they age
• I will practice kindness and acceptance with my siblings for their own families they now have

Friends
• I will continue to maintain friendships from all parts of my life (highschool, college, SLAA, current city)
• I will be honest, vulnerable, and sincere with the friends I value most
• I will maintain attitude of fairness in give and pull of friendship
• I will practice kindness if my needs do not feel met
• I will not create a lie to cover up my addiction for a reason to not hang out

Absolute boundaries:
• I will not search on internet, watch via sensory of sight any type of pornographic material, which includes, and not limited to: porn, nudity, semi-nudity websites, bathing suit websites, etc.
Note: Landing on an ACCIDENTAL website page that is provocative happens and is OK ie. a popup etc. It’s what I do AFTER that matters. Do I continue browsing? Do I obsess with what I saw? Or do I close the window and move on with my day?
Clicking on provocative ads just for a peek is a poNr. It’s a slippery slope. When see an AD --- move on

• I will not engage in requesting or providing services for any type of sexual work, which includes but not limited to: massage parlors, escorts, strip clubs, virtual video chats, etc. Note: even if there is NO exchange of monetary value, does NOT mean it’s ok.

• I will not masturbate again alone. If I’m with a partner and masturbation happens, so be it.
Note: cleaning myself in the shower is OK. However, the addition of sensory of touch of conditioner or lotion instead of soap is NOT okay because that leads to an increase in sensory of touch and is connected with past sexual fantasies and acting out.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2020 6:56 pm 
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Posts: 50
lesson 38


Family – conflict with family
I have a tendency to pull away after I am hurt. For example, I feel like to sum up my relationship with my father is that he brings me down more than he brings me up. Why would I continue to have a relationship with my father?

This has been on my mind the past few days and also a little bit the past few months.

So this is conflicting with my value for family. I basically want to distance my relationship with my father, yet that will make it difficult to have a relationship with the rest of my family.

So how do I strengthen the boundaries to ensure that I can still develop this value, even through challenging moments?

I think one more boundary to add to the list is about forgiveness. I’ve done a lot of…not great things in my life. As much pain that my father unintentionally causes me…the one thing that I can say is that he never left. Even though he wasn’t emotionally there…he was physically there. Financially there. He tried. A lot. I didn’t get the love that I needed, but I did get the love that he only knew how to give.

And it’s about…forgiveness. But it’s really…just acceptance.

Accepting this is who my father is. He throws dirt on you when you’re on the ground and you’re asking for a hand up. He thinks by being hard on you it’ll make you tougher, when it only fuels my anger against the world and myself. I need to practice acceptance…that he cannot give me what I long for. And I need to be more emotionally distant from him. I think a boundary that would be helpful is to know that…I am not my father.

And he is not me. My father’s words do not define me. They are his words. His thoughts. That’s it. it’s just his perspective of the world.

I have my own perspective. And I need to keep it and cherish it and love it and embrace it, even though he attempts to continue to destroy it. perhaps some distance wouldn’t hurt after all.

But I think I do like adding these two for now:

Accept my parents as they are
My parents’ perspective does not define my perspective




Another situation is that…my sister angers me and I just don’t want a relationship with her. I’ve felt this before. But I think it’s about practicing forgiveness for this.

Forgive those who have forgiven you


Because she becomes mad like my father at my sweet uncle for no reason. And doesn’t want a relationship with him. and she’ll be so mean. And it just makes me not want to have a relationship with her like the same with my father. That…callous…mean….way of thinking.

Forgive the ones you love

That’s the only way that I can repair it. because I know my sister will upset me again in the future and visa versa. It doesn’t mean that I stop talking to her just because she does. It’s just about….learning to forgive her.

Family
• I will call my parents at least once a week
• I will be a loving and supportive uncle
• I will be there for my family when they need me…as they’ve been there for me
• I will see my parents during the holidays…unless I have my own family
• I will be vulnerable, open, and transparent with my close family I feel comfortable sharing feelings
• I will not create lies to cover up acting out as reasons to not spend time with them
• I will practice gratitude for having a loving family
• I will practice kindness with my parents as they age
• I will practice kindness and acceptance with my siblings for their own families they now have
• Accept my parents as they are
• My parents’ perspective does not define my perspective
• Forgive the ones I love





Friends
• I will continue to maintain friendships from all parts of my life (highschool, college, SLAA, current city)
• I will be honest, vulnerable, and sincere with the friends I value most
• I will maintain attitude of fairness in give and pull of friendship
• I will practice kindness if my needs do not feel met
• I will not create a lie to cover up my addiction for a reason to not hang out
• I will practice forgiveness


Commitment
• I will follow through on my word to myself and to others
• I will serve my boss’ needs, even if I disagree with them
• I will commit to myself completely to screenwriting and directing…and to always continue moving forward, no matter what others tell me
• I will accept the consequences of my commitments
• I will not use excuses to not follow through
• Choose to make decisions based in reality vs fantasy




Commitment.
I’ve been thinking about honesty a lot recently. Like a lot about this. And that…gosh…like I don’t need to be an addict to NOT lie to myself. Like everyone can lie to themselves. I guess the thing that concerns me is this idea about absolute honesty….that it’s so easy to deceive myself. And think that I’m being honest with myself when I’m actually tricking myself. I mean…I can do this for little things like…I think that I can get all of the chores done by the end of the day, when in fact I’m ignoring the real truth that I know deep down inside that I won’t be able to get everything done…and just setting myself up for failure.

I think the most important thing is…considering an event…
The thing that can infiltrate my commitment to myself and to others is my commitment to my recovery. That I will need to carry until the day I die.

Whether I use RN or another health based program it doesn’t change…

so something that can threaten my recovery…is something like getting involved in a relationship with someone who lives across the country. Or who is my neighbor. Or a co-worker.

And I think the question that I need to ask myself is…is this healthy for me?

As in emotionally healthy for me. And if I am making decisions that are healthy for me.

And what do you mean by healthy? By health…I mean that things that can still allow me to….be committed to myself.

That I can still be honest with myself. That I can still be real with myself. And if I start making decisions that are not for my best interest…oh that’s a good way to look at it.

Does this serve my long term growth? Does this serve my recovery?

Make important decisions that are based on long term growth

Make decisions based on long term growth


To just be committed to being honest with myself

Choose to make decisions based in reality vs fantasy

As in dating…is this a realistic person that I am / want to be dating
Or is this based off fantasy


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2020 11:00 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 50
8/28/20
Just needing to check in briefly…felt like I experienced something that almost felt like a slip?
what happened…
brushing my teeth in the morning listening to this new hip hop song on my iphone. I saw part of the music video for this song a few days before and it was cool. decided to watch part of it but just ignored it after saw that it had some girls dancing? anyways next song / music video started playing…clicked on it after finished brushing my teeth and it was wayyyyyy too provocative than the other music video. just closed off video after saw the video was making me uncomfortable. went to meditated.
seeing this provocative video for a moment triggered anxiety.
my body didn’t feel any stimulation but it’s like the provocative video / image was etched onto my mind still.
only reason why I know this is coming up is because stress seems to be higher than my ability to manage them at the moment.
why: finished shooting a short last weekend. anxiety about editing it and finalizing it.
in terms of taking care of myself…I decided to take a few days off from working out since I hurt my knee last week from working out (got a little carried away after feeling enraged from talking with my father).
also I’ve had thoughts this past week just on dating. created thoughts again about my neighbor about possibly dating her, even though chemistry isn’t that strong. created thoughts again about person in my past that I’ve imagined she’s the one…and I know I do this as a way to keep myself safe. it gets me sad about the thought of letting it go…and I feel like I do temporarily, yet it seems to return at times.

also interesting how I know I’m starting lesson 39 on sexual boundaries. I feel like this is a lesson I really want to dive into and rebuild. I know a part of me knows it’s safer to just create relationships in my mind or follow illusions in videos as if that’s real…when I know deep down it’s not.

bottom line…even though I know nothing happened after I saw this video for a moment…it’s more about that
a) I put myself in that situation to watch it
b) I’ve been stimulating myself recently from creating thoughts of romantic relationships that I know deep down won’t exist in reality
c) I also believe that it’s perhaps…because I love shooting / directing so much that a part of me wants to believe that I can just manage my emotions just from this one value instead of all of the other values that I have. considering this…I think I may change my approach to my weekly monitoring…and how I’ve been using it to focus on unwinding my anxiety from this other app that I’ve been using…and let me use the weekly monitoring on developing the other values that may not be related to directing ie. family, friends, cooking, working out, etc.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2020 11:03 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 264
Hi foundman,
Quote:
Just needing to check in briefly…felt like I experienced something that almost felt like a slip?

It is good that you checked in :g:
It is definitely not a slip if you controlled your emotions, you cannot become immune to all that the world has to offer overnight! SAs can find provocative things anywhere - Should they choose to see them that way!
Take it as a good lesson and one that you seemed to cope with well.
Quote:
b) I’ve been stimulating myself recently from creating thoughts of romantic relationships that I know deep down won’t exist in reality

Beware of potential pitfalls to your recovery!

You are over halfway through the workshop and begining to see things in a different light :g:

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2020 5:25 pm 
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Posts: 50
hi T,

thanks for your thoughts! i agree the concern is more about those fantasizing thoughts than the action of being on that music video. anxiety is definitely high now and need to continue to channel the emotions through the things that i value most. the waves will pass eventually.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 11, 2020 3:37 pm 
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lesson 39
Healthy Sexual Boundaries / Healthy Romantic Boundaries

Identify current thoughts and attitudes relating to own sexuality
Healthy Sexual Boundaries
Step 1

Masturbation is not healthy for me
Pornography is not healthy for me
In general, pornography can be used for healthy sexual exploration
In general, random hook ups can be used for healthy sexual exploration
Sexual identity is not binary but is on a spectrum
I’ve used my sexuality to avoid uncomfortable feelings
I’ve used my body to avoid uncomfortable feelings
I am attracted to transgender women and cis women

I am concerned if I am capable of having a healthy romantic relationship with either a transgender or a cis women, yet particularly with transgender women due to my history of pornography

My attraction to transgender and cis women makes me unsure where I fit on the sexual spectrum --- I identify as bisexual --- yet I feel this may be misleading to heteronormative folks

I am attracted to voluptuous women
I am attracted to brunettes
I am attracted to women with dark eyes
I am attracted to women with beautiful smiles
I am attracted to women who are shy
I am attracted to women who are creative
I am attracted to women who are silly
I am attracted to women who are adventurous
I am attracted to women who are honest
I am attracted to women who have integrity
I am attracted to women who are committed
I am attracted to women who are independent
I am attracted to women who are empathetic
I would like partner who enjoys cooking
I would like a partner who appreciates my creativity
I would like to meet a future partner in person than online
I’ve abused online dating websites
Online dating websites are not healthy for me due to the fantasy and sensory of sight
I’ve gained healthy experiences from meeting transgender women on dating websites
I’ve dated transgender women just to explore my own sexuality
I want to date someone who I am attracted to and who I am compatible with
Masturbation hurts my self esteem
I sexualize my neighbor
I romanticize about my other neighbor
I create sexual and romantic thoughts for my own self-stimulation
I am disappointed I continue to create artificial thoughts for stimulation
I sexualize my neighbor I am not emotionally compatible with, yet am somewhat physically attracted to
I romanticize my neighbor I am not sexually attracted to, yet am somewhat emotionally compatible with
I romanticize women that I see when I’m in public still
I sexualize women at times when I’m in public still
I’ve developed an action plan for when I romanticize / sexualize women in public
I am proud of my action plan and it helps to limit the automatic sexual / romantic stimulation in public
I would like to apply my action plan that works in public when I am at home as well
A part of me believes I am not worthy of relationships
A part of me is beginning to believe I am worthy of relationships

Communication is vital for any relationship, yet be mindful for filtering thoughts before speaking

Empathy is healthy for relationships to grow

Finding your match will not fix you --- it is only one aspect of your life --- it shouldn’t become your life

Be curious of my body’s physical sensations when meeting someone for the first time

Just because I may be aroused, does not mean the other person may be aroused

Random hook ups are unhealthy for me
Random hook ups is another form of self-isolation

I wonder how long I can be abstinent from masturbation
Masturbation hurts my self esteem
I do not trust myself regarding my sexuality
I feel inexperienced with cis women
I feel too experienced with transgender women
I feel insecure about telling potential cis women that I’ve dated transgender women
I feel insecure about telling potential women in future that I am uncertain about my sexual identity --- even though bisexual seems to be the closest fit

I feel pornography skewed my perception of healthy sexuality
I am unsure if I would feel satisfied if I married a cis woman, and would yearn for being involved with a transgender woman

I am not sure if I am broken inside, even though I know I’m not
I do not know if I can find someone who is compatible with me
I do not believe masturbation is healthy for me
I believe masturbation with a partner may be healthy for me
I believe that I have the capacity to love someone
I believe that I have the capacity to be vulnerable and intimate with someone
I believe I am capable of having and living a fulfilling long term relationship
I believe my yearning to find someone to share meaningful conversations is a strength
I believe in stronger friendships than many acquaintances
I feel I am capable of being vulnerable with someone intimately
I would want to love someone for who they are
I believe relationships take time to develop
I believe my anxiety has sabotaged relationships from developing organically in the past
I feel I’m a hopeless romantic
I feel porn blockers on my phone helps keep me safe, yet ultimately cannot stop me from acting out
I feel porn blockers on my laptop helps keep me safe, yet ultimately cannot stop me from acting out
I believe I am underdeveloped in regards to relationships and intimacy
I used to love watching porn
I believe my use of online dating in the past was unhealthy for me
I can create relationships and sexual moments with a single sensory that is triggered
I need to learn to embrace my sexuality
I am fine without masturbating for eight months
My current sexuality feels nonexistent
I am not gay, yet I think my parents think I still am
I do not want to be alone forever
I have the capacity to return back to dating without acting out
I have the capacity to manage my emotions maturely when feel rejected from someone
I have the skills and tools to manage my emotions when feel abandoned or rejected from a future girlfriend
I have the skills and tools to manage my emotions if I divorce from a future wife
I have the skills and tools to manage my emotions if I feel abandoned from a girl that does not want to go out on a date with me
I do not need to limit my dating pool to only transgender women
I can be with someone I am attracted to and emotionally compatible with
Dating my neighbor or someone at work is usually out of convenience instead of true compatibility
I’ve been attracted to women that I could not develop a real relationship with
I’ve been attracted to dating women thousands of miles away
I’m attracted to the romantic idea of dating a woman thousands of miles away
I’m attracted to the romantic idea of dating my neighbor who was a friend
I’m attracted to the romantic idea of dating someone that I meet at work
I’m attracted to romantic ideas, to keep me safe from reality

I have not let go of Christina, that I’ve met in high school, because the thought of her makes me feel comforted --- that at least there is someone in my mind who HASN’T rejected me and can possibly still be a match for me --- to possibly meet again and be with in the future

My romantic fantasies limit me from taking action in reality
My romantic fantasies prevent me from finding someone in reality
My romantic fantasies make me believe I need to move to find someone since future partner can’t possibly be in this city
My romantic fantasies lead me to live a double life still --- safety in fantasizing being with a partner, yet alone in reality

My thoughts of Christina are just my own stimulation to avoid my reality

Letting go of thoughts I’ve created is necessary to move forward in regards to dating

I am handsome
I am worthy to be in a relationship
I am scared of losing my focus on my career if I get involved in a relationship

I can perhaps strike a balance with online dating websites
Physical affection is not just from attraction, but as a reflection of your feelings for one another
Holding hands in public is acceptable, yet other PDA like long kisses isn’t
Meeting someone in person from an online dating website…and planning to meet in an intimate setting (their home, car, late at night) is a recipe to reaffirm being alone

Taking my time to get to know someone is most appropriate for dating

Consuming alcohol may lead to acting out
I will face rejection and will need to reject others when return to dating

Giving myself the most options when dating will increase my chances of finding a match for me

Viewing any inappropriate images and videos goes against my values and may lead to seeking further artificial stimulation

I do not need to orgasm to live

Intimacy is like life --- it’s the journey, not the destination

I am capable of finding a partner in reality

I do not need to travel thousands of miles to find a match for dating

I can be comfortable living alone for the rest of my life, yet I may not be fulfilled

Visiting massage parlors, escorts, strip clubs, etc. would be an unwise decision
Searching dating websites for local hook ups is not aligned with the life I want to build
Carefully selecting people to send messages to who are local may be healthy for me
Attending meetup events is a healthy way for me to meet locals
Becoming involved in volunteer and or community organizations may be a way to meet other individuals
Exchanging phone numbers with someone you meet in a social setting is appropriate, yet it’s important to be mindful of my intent and my expectations
Physical attraction may or may not change over time
Physical attraction is natural
Having sex with someone I’m in a committed relationship with…and that I want to continue to build a relationship with…is healthy and okay

I like women who are independent

I am attracted to those who are creative

I am attracted to those who are honest

I desire to be in a fulfilling long term relationship

I am concerned about my ability to choose the right partner for the right reasons

I am concerned about being alone forever

Random sexual thoughts are to be investigated with curiosity

Sexual thoughts do not have power over me

Thoughts are random and not a reflection of my values unless I choose to act upon them then they become integrated with my identity

I am responsible for my sexual decisions

Who I date is a choice, and is not determined by another external force

Who I select to be my partner for life is a choice and not a destiny

My romantic life are a series of choices that I’ve made, and will continue to make

Acting out is a choice

Staying healthy is a choice

Watching pornography for hours is a series of decisions that I’ve made in the past

I’ve chosen to be alone

I’ve chosen to not date and to stimulate myself with pornography, unhealthy relationships, and online dating websites

I can choose to be with someone in the future

I can choose to manage emotions with healthy values when encounter rejections, disappointments, and failures in relationships

I am not a failure in my romantic life, for I’ve chosen to not develop it with sincerity

Relationships take work to be successful

I am scared of being in a relationship

I am scared of acting out if I start dating again

I believe relationships are triggering for me

I am scared of wanting to act out sexually if I date and I am rejected

Rejection is a trigger for me

I can choose to view reject regarding dating through a different lens

Rejection from dating can be an opportunity to grow

Rejection from dating means it was not a fit

Rejection is an opportunity to learn to let go of relationships that will not fruition

Those that I’ve met in the past are not people that I can date in the future, for if i was supposed to date them, then I would be with them now

The person I am meant to date are people for me to meet in the future

I can choose to go out and meet people when I feel comfortable in my emotional stability

Acting out is not a reflection that I am broken, yet a reflection of my ability to manage my emotions immaturely

I need to bring my resilience to romantic relationships

Resilience is necessary for me to find happiness regarding romantic relationships

I will need to be resilient against the negative voices in my head when I am dating again

Happiness in romantic relationships will require resilience

Resilience to manage rejection will be found in my everyday doing of strengthening my values

Disappointment in relationships are opportunities to build my resilience

If I view relationships with a growth mindset…as opportunities to build resilience until I find my match…then I will grow faster

The status of a relationship, or my current dating status, is not a reflection of my identity

I can choose to build my resilience in relationships

I can choose to grow in relationships

I can choose to find happiness in romantic relationships

I can choose to believe that happiness in romantic relationships is built through experience

I’ve falsely believed that romantic relationships are built when two magically falling in love

I’ve believed that relationships are like the movie ‘the notebook’

I’ve believed that relationships are like songs on the radio or romantic comedy movies

My past experience with dating is not a predictor of my current future relationships

Relationships can only fulfill one aspect of my life, yet will not complete me

Being alone does not break me, yet I will not be fulfilled in my romantic life

Being alone has allowed me to find resilience during this time of recovery

My romantic and sexual dreams at night does not mean I am meant to be with that person in my dreams

Just because I dream of someone at night, does not mean I am meant to be with that person

I’ve held onto romantic fantasies to stimulate myself

I will need to LET GO of past people I have met in order to allow myself to find someone going forward

I need to accept that I will never see Christina ever again

I need to accept that I will never date Christina again

When I let go of Christina, I may be able to go on dates without dreaming of Christina

When I let go of old memories, I may be able to remember them as exactly as they are --- memories

I’ve used memories to create further emotions of stimulations that may not have existed when the initial memory was there

Social media to meet people is not an ideal location for me to meet others

Contacting those who live outside of my current city to date is setting myself up to fail

I can have more success with dating if I contact those who live in my current city

I can have more success with dating if I can regularly see someone who live nearby

I can choose whether or not I want to have success with dating

Objectivity is important when selecting a partner for dating

It is important to gather as much information as possible and look at all my options available before selecting a partner for moving forward with dating seriously

Chemistry is not the same as compatibility

Chemistry has skewed my perception of what relationships are

Romantic chemistry will skew my judgement in making objective decisions

Delaying romantic chemistry from developing will give me a stronger chance of developing a real relationship than having chemistry immediately

Chemistry is an important aspect, yet decisions to date to someone need to be founded upon shared values instead of shared physical attraction for long term success

Long term success for a relationship are to be founded on similar values

Long term success for a relationship are founded upon values and compatibility

Long term success for a relationship is founded upon honest and open communication

If choose online dating sites, it is important to select those that have a value baked into them (meditators, long term relationship sites)

Dating my neighbor will not lead to a successful relationship since we do not have authentic and real conversations currently ie. my real vulnerabilities (addiction, dating transgender women in past)

The pornography I’ve watched in the past (transgender women, older women) is not a reflection of who I will date or who I am attracted to in reality

Choosing to date someone based upon their genital parts as a primary reason for dating to them will not lead to long term success

Relationships require negotiation

Romantic relationships will reveal my vulnerabilities

Romantic relationships are opportunities to learn to be kind to myself and my partner

Criticizing my future partner reflects my own inner, unhealthy critic

If negativity can hurt my self esteem, it can also hurt foundation of a relationship

If I choose to go on online dating sites, it may help me to find a long term partner, if I approach it with finding someone with shared values and interests

If I choose to go online dating sites, it may help me to find a long term partner, as if I am just searching for a friend

If I choose to join an online dating website, it may help me to find a long term partner, if I am just looking to find a new friend

If I choose to join an online dating website, it may help me to find a long term partner, if I am just looking for qualities that I have with my good friends (food, real conversations, movies, adventures, etc.)

Chemistry is only one component when finding a friend for dating

If I go out to meet people during covid, I would implement the same rules as I would for those who do not live in my household…meet outdoors, six feet apart, etc…

I can choose to view dating as new friends and new experiences to share

Dating can be viewed like any other friendship that I have in LA

Texting everyday in the beginning is unhealthy when starting to see someone

Phone calls over texting is ideal to remove myself from the fantasy when dating someone

I can choose to find someone to date in the city I currently live in

I can choose to destroy my life and go back to acting out

I am capable of having a family with a partner that I would love

I can choose to build a family with someone that would be my partner

The romantic and sexual isolation I’ve chosen in the past is a reflection of my emotional skills, and not a reflection of my identity

Identity is developed by the choices I make…I can choose to connect and build relationships

Pornography and other sexually arousing visual stimulation leads to pain and suffering

When my mind turns to sexual stimulation, it is an indicator I need to increase my stimulation through my value system

Rebuilding my sexuality will take time, yet choosing to act out will only make it more challenging to achieve my end goal

Rebuilding my dating life will take time, yet choosing to acting out will only make it more challenging to achieve my end goal

current thoughts of sexuality
current thoughts on love

physical attraction is not the same thing as compatibility


just because I am attracted to someone, and she is attracted to me, does not mean we’re a fit for a long term relationship

relationships take time, work, and commitment from both people involved

I enjoy oral sex

I enjoy giving oral sex

I enjoy kissing

I enjoy long slow kisses

I am insecure about my performance for sex

I am insecure about the size of my penis

I feel a girl may not like me as much because of the size of my penis

I feel girls correlate pleasure with a man’s size of their penis

I feel insecure if a guy has performed better than I have for a girl I’m with

Relationship status (good / bad) should not be determined by frequency of orgasms

Dating my neighbor would be out of convenience, instead of a genuine desire

Random arousals are not necessarily a sign that I’m attracted to someone

Sexual performance should not be weighted as much when I’m dating someone I care about

Finding the right match for me will take time

Sexual visual imagery is not healthy for me

Random sexual thoughts is a sign that I am avoiding uncomfortable feelings

Sexual thoughts can be explored to find out what is making me uncomfortable
Random sexual thoughts does not mean I am a bad person or something is wrong with me --- it’s just how I’ve avoided uncomfortable feelings --- and it’s what I do with those that matters the most

Random sexual thoughts are OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW and to continue to learn to master my emotions

Avoiding / looking away from attractive women in public is ok, yet will not solve the uncomfortable feelings

Over staring and burning images in my mind of attractive women I see in public is inappropriate

Viewing attractive women as people, and my uncomfortable feelings that are associated, can be shifted towards positive affirmations ‘may she be well’

Viewing attractive women as people, just like other people that I may or may not find attractive, is my goal

There’s a difference between being attracted to someone and sexualizing them for my own stimulation

Attraction is natural…sexualizing someone by using the sensory of sight to create additional stimulation that do not exist in reality (adding elements of fantasy ie. future relationships, sexual relationships, etc.) is not appropriate for me

it is inappropriate to set up dates for the sake of physical attraction without any other shared values / interests

if want to exchange numbers with someone that I meet in public…though now would be rare…important to genuinely connect other than just being guided by physical attraction

Viewing dating as getting new friends is easier for me to approach

Viewing dating as getting new friends may be more healthier for me --- since there’s less pressure, which means less anxiety, which means I am more myself and objective

Oversharing personal information when getting to know someone may not be appropriate and should be used with caution

It is important to approach dates like with new friends --- light heartedness

Sending random messages to strangers on facebook in hopes of getting a date is not appropriate

It is important to connect with those that you would like meeting a new friend --- like all other friends I’ve met in the past…either through other friends or through online social meet up events

The less pressure there is on dating, the more likely I can remain objective

Relationships can be fulfilling, yet cannot complete me

Women who have heavy use of drugs or smoke cigarettes is not a good match for me

Dating a stripper, porn star, former porn star, escort, sexual massage person are not appropriate partners for me

Creativity is an important value to share with a partner
Outdoors adventures is an important value to share with a partner
financial freedom and living below your means is an important value to share with a partner
mutual respect for one another is an important value to share with a partner
taking care of one’s body --- exercise and nutrition --- is an important value to share with a partner
friends and family is an important value to share with a partner
someone who works in film is not a necessity to build a life with someone
lgbtq friendly is an important value for my partner to have
sharing about dating transgender women is something I may share with a partner if person is a cis woman…yet depends though on timing, etc.
sharing my addiction management in the past is important for me to share with a partner
practicing safe sex is vital before committing to a long term relationship

being in intimate spaces should be limited for some time to build foundation of friendship first --- ideally a few months

relationships cannot be figured out in a vacuum

sending facebook messages to someone who lives across the country…and someone you haven’t talked to in years…is not appropriate

whenever mind wanders from one girl in my head to another…important to recognize that this is just self stimulation

important to recognize that if want to truly HEAL from addiction…need to let go of ALL THOUGHTS that sexually stimulate me

important to recognize if want to heal from ALL addiction…need to note physical sensations of body…in order to stay with uncomfortable feelings in my body…

viewing sexual triggers with curiosity may lead to kindness instead of harshness

viewing sexual thoughts with kindness and curiosity may lead to a more healthy balance with my sexuality

Embracing sexual thoughts and exploring the uncomfortable feelings they cover…and asking myself what do I get from this? may help me sit with uncomfortable feelings differently…

asking myself what are the rewards – short and long term rewards for sexual thoughts --- may help me view the thoughts with a different lens

habitual thoughts of if this person is the one --- only help reinforce a negative view of myself…perhaps shifting to a kind curious place of…hmmm…what do I get from this? may help me view these thoughts differently…

viewing sexual thoughts with curiosity instead of fear may help change my relationship with sex and love addiction for the better

past friends or relationships that did not fruition…because they were not meant to be…and it’s something I cannot change because those moments have already past

my mind wanting to change my situation by reconnecting to someone in my past is, for me, not the most healthy way to find a partner

my mind wanting to date someone who is conveniently located like my neighbor, is for me, not the most healthy way to find a partner

the best chance for a healthy relationship to develop is to meet someone in an appropriate social setting

developing a relationship with someone who is not nearby --- will make it much more challenging to build a healthy relationship

relationships take time, and the experiences will lead me to find the one I’m supposed to be with

relationships that do not work out can also be viewed as experiences --- just like friendships that come and go

if viewing dating --- that dates come and go --- like friendships come and go --- it may be easier to manage the feelings when those go and are not here any longer

letting go of someone is important for emotional resilience

I can find a balance to be connected with someone, yet also be independent from them




Ideal Ending
Step 2


Ideal set of dating / partner values

I will choose to date those based on common interest and shared values

I will practice dating like I’m making a new friend!

I will date those that I am attracted to, yet to not allow this to overshadow the shared values and interests for getting to know someone

I will practice learning how to allow relationships develop organically

I will meet those that are appropriate to date regarding distance and context of how we meet (coworkers, neighbors, thousands of miles are not appropriate)



Ideal set of sexual values

I will abstain from masturbation alone --- regardless that I am in a relationship, single, or dating --- to be masturbated by a partner is OK

I will abstain from viewing any sexually arousing material, which includes but not limited to: pornography, hook up dating website, hookup sections on regular dating websites, escorts, massage parlors --- in short --- ANY images or videos that utilizes the sensory of SIGHT to STIMULATE FANTASY (IMAGERY)

I will abstain from VISITING in person any institution, person that utilizes sensory of sight to not just stimulate FANTASY but in hopes of stimulating sensory of touch --- ie strip clubs, escorts, massage parlors --- visiting a partner that I am intimate with is omitted from this

I will only be intimate with those I believe there is potential for a long term, REALISTIC relationship with

I will practice safe sex






Define a Beginning
Step 3
remove each item that is not related / contrasting with items in step 2

Masturbation is not healthy for me
Pornography is not healthy for me
Sexual identity is not binary but is on a spectrum
I am attracted to transgender women and cis women

I am concerned if I am capable of having a healthy romantic relationship with either a transgender or a cis women, yet particularly with transgender women due to my history of pornography

My attraction to transgender and cis women makes me unsure where I fit on the sexual spectrum --- I identify as bisexual --- yet I feel this may be misleading to heteronormative folks

I am attracted to brunettes
I am attracted to women with dark eyes
I am attracted to women with beautiful smiles
I am attracted to women who are shy
I am attracted to women who are creative
I am attracted to women who are silly
I am attracted to women who are adventurous
I am attracted to women who have integrity
I am attracted to women who are committed
I am attracted to women who are independent
I am attracted to women who are empathetic
I would like a partner who enjoys cooking
I want to date and be with someone who I am attracted to and emotionally compatible with
I sexualize my neighbor I am not emotionally compatible with, yet am somewhat physically attracted to
I romanticize my neighbor I am not sexually attracted to, yet am somewhat emotionally compatible with
A part of me is beginning to believe I am worthy of relationships

Communication is vital for any relationship, yet be mindful for filtering thoughts before speaking

Empathy is healthy for relationships to grow

Finding your match will not fix you --- it is only one aspect of your life --- it shouldn’t become your life

Random hook ups are unhealthy for me

I feel insecure about telling potential cis women that I’ve dated transgender women

I am unsure if I would feel satisfied if I married a cis woman, and would yearn for being involved with a transgender woman

I believe masturbation with a partner may be healthy for me
I believe that I have the capacity to be vulnerable and intimate with someone
I believe I am capable of having and living a fulfilling long term relationship
I believe my yearning to find someone to share meaningful conversations is a strength
I would want to love someone for who they are
I believe relationships take time to develop
I need to learn to embrace my sexuality
I have the capacity to return back to dating without acting out
I have the capacity to manage my emotions maturely when feel rejected from someone
Dating my neighbor or someone at work is usually out of convenience instead of true compatibility
My romantic fantasies prevent me from finding someone in reality
I can perhaps strike a balance with online dating websites
Physical affection is not just from attraction, but a reflection of your feelings for one another
Holding hands in public is acceptable, yet other PDA like exceptionally long kisses isn’t
Taking my time to get to know someone is most appropriate for dating
Consuming alcohol may lead to acting out
Giving myself the most options when dating will increase my chances of finding a match
Viewing any inappropriate images and videos goes against my values and may lead to seeking further artificial stimulation
I do not need to orgasm to live
Intimacy is like life --- it’s the journey, not the destination
I am capable of finding a partner in reality
I do not need to travel thousands of miles to find a match
I can be comfortable living alone for the rest of my life, yet I may not be fulfilled
Visiting massage parlors, escorts, strip clubs, etc. would be an unwise decision
Searching dating websites for local hook ups is not aligned with the life I want to build
Carefully selecting people to send online dating messages to locals may be healthy for me
Attending meetup events is a healthy way for me to meet locals
Becoming involved in volunteer and or community organizations may be a way to meet other individuals
Exchanging phone numbers with someone you meet in a social setting is appropriate, yet it’s important to be mindful of my intent and my expectations
Physical attraction may or may not change over time
Physical attraction is natural
Having sex with someone I’m in a committed relationship with…and that I want to continue to build a relationship with…is healthy
I desire to be in a fulfilling long term relationship

Random sexual thoughts are to be investigated with curiosity

Sexual thoughts do not have power over me

Thoughts are random and not a reflection of my values unless I choose to act upon them then they become integrated with my identity

I am responsible for my sexual decisions

Who I date is a choice, and is not determined by another external force

Who I select to be my partner for life is a choice and not a destiny

I can choose to manage emotions with healthy values when encounter rejections, disappointments, and failures in relationships

I believe relationships are triggering for me

Rejection is a trigger for me

I can choose to view rejection in dating through a different lens

Rejection from dating can be an opportunity to grow

Rejection is an opportunity to learn to let go of relationships that will not fruition

Those that I’ve met in the past are not people that I can date in the future, for if I was supposed to date them, then I would be with them now

The person I am meant to date are people for me to meet in the future

I can choose to go out and meet people when I am confident in my emotional stability

Acting out is not a reflection that I am broken, yet a reflection of my ability to manage my emotions immaturely

Happiness in romantic relationships will require resilience

Resilience to manage rejection will be found in my everyday doing of strengthening my values

Disappointment in relationships are opportunities to build my resilience

I can choose to believe that happiness in romantic relationships is built through experience

I’ve falsely believed that romantic relationships are built when two magically falling in love

I’ve held onto romantic fantasies to stimulate myself

Social media to meet people is not an ideal location for me to meet others

I can have more success with dating if I contact those who live in my current city

I can choose whether or not I want to have success with dating

Objectivity is important when selecting a partner for dating

It is important to gather as much information as possible and look at all my options available before selecting a partner for moving forward with dating seriously

Chemistry is not the same as compatibility

Chemistry has skewed my perception of what relationships are

Delaying romantic chemistry from developing will give me a stronger chance of developing a real relationship than having chemistry immediately

Chemistry is an important aspect, yet decisions to date to someone need to be founded upon shared values instead of shared physical attraction for long term success

Long term success for a relationship are founded upon values and compatibility

Long term success for a relationship is founded upon honest and open communication

If choose online dating sites, it is important to select those that have value(s) I connect with baked into them (meditators, long term relationship sites)

Dating my neighbor will not lead to a successful relationship since we do not have authentic and real conversations currently ie. my real vulnerabilities (addiction, dating transgender women in past)

The pornography I’ve watched in the past (transgender women, older women) is not a reflection of who I will date or who I am attracted to in reality

Choosing to date someone based upon their genital parts as a primary reason for dating to them will not lead to long term success

Relationships require negotiation

Romantic relationships will reveal my vulnerabilities

Romantic relationships are opportunities to learn to be kind to myself and my partner

Criticizing my future partner reflects my own inner, unhealthy critic

If I choose to go on online dating sites, it may help me to find a long term partner, if I approach it with finding someone with shared values and interests

If I choose to join an online dating website, it may help me to find a long term partner, if I am just looking to find a new friend

If I choose to join an online dating website, it may help me to find a long term partner, if I am just looking for qualities that I have with my good friends (food, real conversations, movies, adventures, etc.)

Chemistry is only one component when finding a friend for dating

If I go out to meet people during covid, I would implement the same rules as I would for those who do not live in my household…meet outdoors, six feet apart, etc…

I can choose to view dating as new friends and new experiences to share

Dating can be viewed like any other friendship that I have in LA

Texting everyday in the beginning is unhealthy when starting to see someone

Phone calls over texting is ideal to limit myself from the fantasy when dating someone

I am capable of having a family with a partner that I would love

I can choose to build a family with someone that would be my partner

Identity is developed by the choices I make…I can choose to connect and build relationships

Pornography and other sexually arousing visual stimulation leads to pain and suffering

When my mind turns to sexual stimulation, it is an indicator I need to increase my stimulation through my value system

Rebuilding my sexuality will take time, yet choosing to act out will only make it more challenging to achieve my end goal

Rebuilding my dating life will take time, yet choosing to acting out will only make it more challenging to achieve my end goal

just because I am attracted to someone, and she is attracted to me, does not mean we’re a fit for a long term relationship

relationships take time, work, and commitment from both people involved

I enjoy giving and receiving oral sex

I enjoy long slow kisses

Random arousals are not necessarily a sign that I’m attracted to someone

Sexual performance should not be weighted as much when I’m dating someone I care about

Finding the right match for me will take time

Sexual visual imagery is not healthy for me

Sexual thoughts can be explored to find out what is making me uncomfortable

Random sexual thoughts are OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW and to continue to learn to master my emotions

Avoiding / looking away from attractive women in public is ok, yet will not solve the uncomfortable feelings

Over-staring and burning images in my mind of attractive women I see in public is inappropriate

Viewing attractive women as people, and my uncomfortable feelings that are associated, can be shifted towards positive affirmations ‘may she be well’

Viewing attractive women as people, just like other people that I may or may not find attractive, is my goal

There’s a difference between being attracted to someone and sexualizing them for my own stimulation

Attraction is natural…sexualizing someone by using the sensory of sight to create additional stimulation that do not exist in reality (adding elements of fantasy ie. future relationships, sexual relationships, etc.) is not appropriate for me

it may not be appropriate to set up dates for the sake of physical attraction without any other shared values / interests

if want to exchange numbers with someone that I meet in public…though now would be rare…important to genuinely connect other than just being guided by physical attraction

Viewing dating as getting new friends is easier for me to approach

Viewing dating as getting new friends may be healthier for me --- since there’s less pressure, which means less anxiety, which means I am more myself and objective

Oversharing personal information when getting to know someone may not be appropriate and should be used with caution

Sending random messages to strangers on facebook in hopes of getting a date is not appropriate

It is important to connect with those like meeting a new friend --- like all other friends I’ve met in the past…either through other friends or through online social meet up events

The less pressure there is on dating, the more likely I can remain objective

Relationships can be fulfilling, yet cannot complete me

Women who use drugs or smoke cigarettes are not a good match for me

Dating a stripper, porn star, former porn star, escort, sexual massage person are not appropriate partners for me

financial freedom and living below your means is an important value to share with a partner
mutual respect for one another is an important value to share with a partner
taking care of one’s body --- exercise and nutrition --- is an important value to share with a partner
friends and family is an important value to share with a partner
someone who works in film is not a necessity to build a life with someone
lgbtq friendly is an important value for my partner to have
sharing about dating transgender women is something I may share with a partner if person is a cis woman…yet depends though on timing, etc.
sharing my addiction management in the past is important for me to share with a partner
practicing safe sex is vital before committing to a long-term relationship

being in intimate spaces should be limited for some time to build foundation of friendship first --- ideally a few months

relationships cannot be figured out in a vacuum

sending facebook messages to someone who lives across the country…and someone you haven’t talked to in years…is not appropriate

whenever mind wanders from one girl in my head to another…important to recognize that this is just self stimulation

important to recognize that if want to truly HEAL from addiction…need to let go of ALL THOUGHTS that sexually stimulate me

important to recognize if want to heal from ALL addiction…need to note physical sensations of body…in order to stay with uncomfortable feelings in my body…

viewing sexual triggers with curiosity may lead to kindness, which will help demystify the trance

viewing sexual thoughts with kindness and curiosity may lead to a more healthy balance with my sexuality

Embracing sexual thoughts and exploring the uncomfortable feelings they cover…and asking myself what do I get from this? may help me sit with uncomfortable feelings differently…

asking myself what are the rewards – short and long term rewards for sexual thoughts --- may help me view the thoughts with a different lens

habitual thoughts of --- if this person is the one --- only help reinforce a negative view of myself…perhaps shifting to a kind curious place of…hmmm…what do I get from this? may help me view these thoughts differently…

viewing sexual thoughts with curiosity instead of fear may help change my relationship with sex and love addiction for the better

my mind wanting to change my situation by reconnecting to someone in my past is, for me, not the most healthy way to find a partner

my mind wanting to date someone who is conveniently located like my neighbor, is for me, not the most healthy way to find a partner

the best chance for a healthy relationship to develop is to meet someone in an appropriate social setting

developing a relationship with someone who is not nearby --- will make it much more challenging to build a healthy relationship

relationships take time, and the experiences will lead me to find the one I’m supposed to be with

relationships that do not work out can also be viewed as experiences --- just like friendships that come and go

if viewing dating --- that dates come and go --- like friendships come and go --- it may be easier to manage the feelings when those go and are not here any longer

letting go of someone is important for emotional resilience

I can find a balance to be connected with someone, yet also be independent from them


Define Existing Vulnerabilities
Step 4


Love addiction
Fantasizing my neighbor as someone to date…and staying in this bubble as a way to not go out and meet people since of stimulation received over fantasizing neighbor

Contacting the last person I dated in 2019 as just “checking in”

Wanting to contact Christina if feel rejected from dating…

Not putting myself out there to date

Joining hookup dating sites

Joining serious dating sites, yet filtering for hookups

Joining serious dating sites, yet contacting those who aren’t long term fits for me

Joining serious dating sites, yet contacting those only based on physical attraction without any shared values or interests

Feeling rejected from a date and wanting to act out


Sex addiction
Feeling overwhelmed if go home for the holidays and want to act out

Wanting to masturbate since haven’t done it in awhile

Wanting to masturbate if have a drinks

Feeling rejected after sharing short film and wanting to act out

Feeling rejected by a girl and wanting to act out

Fear of committing to a girl long term and wanting to act out

Fear of falling for a girl and wanting to act out



Select Initial Value for Development
Step 6
Random sexual thoughts are to be investigated with curiosity

It is important to approach dates like with new friends --- light heartedness

Define the Boundaries that will protect the selected value
Step 7
Random sexual thoughts are to be investigated with curiosity
When sexual thoughts shift to arousing my body, it may be helpful to ask myself the question --- what do I get from this?

When sexual thoughts float in my mind, it may be helpful to drop into my body and note the physical sensations. Is there tightness in my stomach? In my chest?

When I have sexual thoughts, it may be helpful to ask the question --- what is making me uncomfortable that I want to be ignoring right now?

When sexual thoughts are in my mind, it may be helpful to ask --- have I been taking care of my recently via working out / running / doing creative projects, etc.?


It is important to approach dates like making new friends?
When do return to dating --- are the ways that we are hanging out appropriate? Location? How we met?

When do return to dating --- what are the types of conversations? Are they oversharing conversations? Light and casual? Fun? Real?

When do return to dating --- are there any shared interests and values?

When do return to dating --- can I have FUN with this person? laugh? Be goofy and silly and also real?

When do return to dating --- am I approaching her like I would with making new friends?

strict boundaries for first few meet and greets: no hooking up, meeting alone in personal spaces (cars, homes), dating neighbors, co-workers, or those who live more than fifty miles away from me


Lesson 40
my sister

so what are my sister’s boundaries? just if I think about where she is in her life. well she’s doing well in her career as a writer, she recently just had her first child after trying for many years with her husband. understandably, she’s been pretty stressed with having a baby during a pandemic, a car accident after she gave birth, etc.
she has high expenses after buying her home last year that she used to rent. she’s stressed with her career. she has a lot that she does.

how I can help her reinforce her boundaries of --- wanting to control everything? it’s fairly easy…if I want to go and see her…I need to plan this out with her. it would definitely be crossing boundaries with her if I wanted to set up an impromptu visit.

helping about reinforcing her boundaries of safety is to not visit or hang out with other people due to covid…especially I want to see her and my nephew from a distance

also would be helpful to know that I care for her. just to call her every once in a while like I have been or sending a card perhaps.

II
well if I violate her boundary of…time / planning hangouts…I can just immediately apologize to her over the phone. to let her know that I was excited to see her but it wasn’t appropriate for me to stop by without giving a heads up or something like that.

III
if I violated a boundary of hers…by time / or just not showing up when she wants to see me like on holidays or during the Oscars…how could I respond?
I can just let her know that I understand. and I can just listen to her disappointment and / or her frustration or anger like I have in the past…or if she’ll do it over texting like she has in the past I can just be understanding and let her talk. it’s more important to give her space if I was wrong and to listen to her when I’ll give her the floor to talk.
I imagine that my body would be rising in temperature but I can just sit with it until my emotions normalize / calm down and to just apologize and to not make about it me but also to let her know that it wasn’t respectful for me to violate her boundary and that going forward I can adjust / change this behavior so I won’t violate this boundary.
if it’s a boundary that I just wasn’t aware that I crossed, even with my best intentions…yes that is that what I will do. I’ll let her know that I didn’t mean to cross it and that I did so unintentionally but that now I know going forward that I need to do x instead in order to avoid crossing this boundary. such as giving you a heads up for hanging out.

or that…if I was hanging out with people in the past fourteen days…I need to let her know and / or to just not visit. and if I visit her and hang out indoors and I just saw someone but forgot to tell her / give her a heads up…then ya that would be an accident and I’ll need to adjust this going fwd to either let her know that I was with someone else / a friend / indoors or to just not hang out with others during this time b/c of covid….or to have a two week gap between seeing her and other friends…assuming there are no symptoms



Lesson 41

it was really helpful having a conversation with my sister. I actually really learned a lot from her…I actually didn’t know she was a survivor of sexual assault. that makes me feel really sad. and I’m glad she was able to share that with me at least feel comfortable to share that with me.

makes me sad because I felt like there were weird boundaries in the past that I had with my sister…and then things changed for her as she grew up. so it was important to hear about that.

but the most important physical boundaries for her are:

physical --- physical space because she was sexually assaulted

communication --- how often someone reaches out to her and when they reach out to her / is she getting text messages late at night from someone etc.

boundaries for her home --- does not like unannounced guests – friends or distant family members to show up unannounced



I think the ones that we’ve talked about the most for our brother / sister relationship is about time. I mean it was more of a boundary when we saw each other more often…but just about me flexible with my time to see her. I was pretty rigid with my time when I lived closer to her before…but important to be flexible as well.

and also another one is just communication. honest and open communication. it’s interesting because even though it’s easier to have fun with my brother and just hang out…I can definitely have real and authentic conversations with my sister. and I would say that for our brother / sister relationship it’s healthy to have these honest one on one conversations where we can just touch base with one another and share our feelings and just to have space for those feelings without judging or criticizing. it’s actually quite beautiful how our dynamic has grown throughout the years.




just wanted to make a brief list of my boundaries and their values


Values
1. Directing
2. Screenwriting
3. Finance
4. Commitment
5. Spirituality
6. Autonomy
7. Organization
8. Family
9. Friends
10. Adventure
11. Fun
12. Nutrition
13. Evolution
14. Dating
15. Physical health




Boundaries for those values

Spirituality
• I will meditate in the morning daily
• I will meditate in the afternoon or evening daily
• I will attend another vedic meditation session by my teacher
• I will attempt to be as comfortable as possible when meditating
• I will think of positive thoughts after meditation

Commitment
• I will follow through on my word to myself and to others
• I will serve my boss’ needs, even if I disagree with them
• I will commit to myself completely to screenwriting and directing…and to always continue moving forward, no matter what others tell me
• I will continue to do what I feel is right…no what others tell me
• I will accept the consequences of my commitments
• I will not use excuses to not follow through

Family
• I will be a loving and supportive uncle
• I will be there for my family when they need me…as they’ve been there for me
• I will see my parents during the holidays…unless I have my own family
• I will be vulnerable, open, and transparent with my close family I feel comfortable sharing feelings with
• I will not create lies to cover up acting out as reasons to not spend time with them
• I will practice gratitude for having a loving family
• I will practice kindness with my parents as they age
• I will practice kindness and acceptance with my siblings for their own families they now have

Friends
• I will continue to maintain friendships from all parts of my life (highschool, college, SLAA, current city)
• I will be honest, vulnerable, and sincere with the friends I value most
• I will maintain attitude of fairness in give and pull of friendship
• I will practice kindness if my needs do not feel met
• I will not create a lie to cover up my addiction for a reason to not hang out

Directing
• I will continue to develop my craft, no matter what happens after the first few short films I make


Finance
• I will continue to refine and adjust my budget that I have
• I will not make impulsive, expensive decisions over a $1,000 unless is for an emergency (car, medical emergency, flight home to see family, etc.)

Autonomy
• I will seek advice, yet not have others make decisions for me (at least important ones)

Organization
• I will not allow my home to become as disorganized as my parents’ home!

Adventure
• I will not let bike issues stop me from going on bike adventures (get bike fixed)
• I will allow myself to take adventures

Fun
• Spending time playing videogames is NOT a healthy activity of fun for me
• Spending time with technology for fun is NOT for me (videogames, behind computer all day, etc.)

Nutrition
• Limiting sweets during the week is a good idea, yet is okay for weekend
• Baking desserts is more of a healthy reward, than just buying randomly

Evolution
• Technology and food CANNOT replace sex addiction

Dating
• I will refrain from all dating until at the very least complete lesson 60
• I will not meet in personal spaces in first few dates
• I will not spend hours online searching for a partner

Physical health
• I will not go months without any kind of physical working out

Screenwriting
• I will not be actively pursuing screenwriting at this time…so no boundary in place at the moment












boundaries examples:


date: 9/22/20
event:
my neighbor invited me to hangout indoors in her apartment, yet I didn’t want to because of covid19…and I’m going home for the holidays and I want to limit my risk of getting it.

values:
family --- I love my parents and it doesn’t seem like I’ll be valuing them by spending time with those indoors, when it’s not safe to spend time indoors with others now

integrity --- I’ll be hurting my integrity because I judge others for breaking rules now and then I want to break them too? so I can’t have my cake and eat it too

honesty with myself ---- I know that I’ll just be hard on myself and judging myself…because it’s not the way that I want to live, even though it would be fun to have fun indoors…but it’s just now how I want to be living though now…


boundary in place:
to not be hanging out with ANYONE indoors other than the roommate that I live with

additional rules:
I don’t need additional rules, I just need to remember that she shouldn’t take it personally and that it’s not about my safety but hers as well…
just need to remind myself that I don’t need to break my boundary just because she doesn’t respect mine



date: 9/27/20
event:
i went out for brunch with friends at an outdoor seating area and was great.
my friend jokes that I’m bougie and so I went inside a local food mart to prove I’m not bougie. I decided to actually buy oreo’s cereal there and some Nesquik too!

values infringed upon:
finance, nutrition

boundaries:
finance: to not buy more than my monthly budget, yet I do have a gift card, so I made an exception to put this on a gift card

nutrition: to buy nostalgic cereal and chocolate powder for milk 

rules / boundaries:
finance --- did I need to buy it? no but it was fun to be out and about and splurge a little on a gift card

nutrition: did I need to buy cereal? no, but I’ve been dreaming of buying this one cereal.

what did I learn from this? it’s okay to be flexible with boundaries. it was so great to be out with friends today. hardly go out and live now during these times.




lesson 42
review of lessons 24-28, and also broke down recent love addiction compulsive chains
Elements
hanging out with neighbor
fantasy (romantic delusion)
sensory of sight
sensory of sound
sensory of smell
accomplishment


feel lonely when making dinner
contact neighbor (poNr)
feel better when she responds to text
happy to spend time with her
feel aroused when hanging out at her apt
fantasize if will be more than just friends
tired
leave and go to bed


pregame
go to a party
come home
turn on laptop
search for porn
masturbate
orgasm


multiple love addition rituals
2020 girls thoughts / to contact:

T, D, Ctn, O, D, I

all of these subjects are connected to where am I (location) and creating a possibility of seeing someone fantasy (romantic delusion)

thought of Thao in beginning of quarantine because of thought of sending her an instant msg and meeting

Thought of Darya when shooting short with her in June

Thoughts of Ctn when finishing short in August and thinking of going home in holidays

Thoughts of IU in Oct when not considering to go home for holidays, and also getting hooked on the tv show she’s in

Hangout with Olivia for quicker stimulation when feel hurt from her sister

what are the elements involved in these love addiction rituals?

sensory of sight
whether in person, such as with Darya, these provided strongest increase in physical stimulation ie. feel arousal

or digitally…
watching IU on tv show acting…leads to seeing her youtube videos perform at concerts, interviews, IG acct

Ctn…reactivate facebook acct to see her profile and view her pictures

I use elements of sensory of sight to create fantasy (romantic delusion)

fantasy (romantic delusion)
create the fantasy (romantic delusion) of how I can possibly meet this person / are we compatible

Thao: imagine us dating, even though not realistic since she’s my colleague and we work remotely

I…imagine meeting a S Korean popstar b/c see her on a tv show

Ctn…imagine meeting her in NYC during holidays in quarantine

Dasha…imagine hooking up with her even though neighbors and she’s not a fit

past
use Thao, Drew, CTn information of our experience in past to create stimulation

I’ve increased and decreased stimulation from each subject after I’ve achieved maximum stimulation from that thought / person due to realism.

When I gain information that the fantasy / relationship is not feasible to achieve, then the fantasy end.

and it then moves on to another subject of who can be my source of stimulation.

recognize the reward I get from this?
it’s a distraction from my little dating experience. and I think I do it because I don’t date. but it’s also holding me back from dating and being in reality because these are all unrealistic relationships.

increase in stress in life, greater reliance on them

how to let go? need to recognize reward. be curious next time I fantasize. explore what do I feel in my body. contraction? expansion? feel the curiosity in my body. and then ask myself…what do I get from this?

even though I know it’s just short term happy thoughts, it long term leads to consequences of me being content as single…with these romantic delusions…


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2020 6:59 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 264
Hi foundman,

Great to see you getting on with lessons :g:

A quick tip for you would be to break up the lessons by a new post for each one, it is quite hard to track the thread when they are in one post.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2020 10:18 pm 
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Posts: 50
@ T --- thanks for your support! good point. I'll do that from now on going forward.

lesson 43

only question / comment i had was in the text
Quote:
Also note that these urge control skills are not intended to decrease spontaneous fantasies or romantic delusions; they are not intended to alter your destructive choices.


i think i'm reading too much into it, yet i was thinking that our are spontaneous fantasies a destructive choice of mine?
maybe...yet it's subjective. and depends where one is in recovery.

for me the love addiction component has been the chain that i've started to realize. since i'm not dating now, i find myself fantasizing about this person, and then when something changes about another person, and it goes on and on.

i've basically done this for like...twenty years. so it's important to be patient and kind for myself as i'll unwind these artificial stimulations and recognize that they just prevent me from going out to date and build genuine relationships. will be doing this in new year after am further with RN lessons.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 16, 2020 1:45 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 264
Hi foundman,

Quote:
i think i'm reading too much into it, yet i was thinking that our are spontaneous fantasies a destructive choice of mine?


I feel that I am lucky in that way as I have not had real urges so far in my recovery.
My one bit of advice is - when you get an image fantasy thought in your head is to throw it out as quickly as it it arrives, not saying it is easy but it has worked for me.
I am sure some people call it the 5 second rule or something like that.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2020 5:42 pm 
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Posts: 50
@ T thanks for the suggestion! ya i have a similar plan that does help / have been using

lesson 44

a.
Rebuild my core identity…I never thought about that but it makes perfect sense though that my emotions / what makes me feel good are connected with my core identity. and it makes sense that I wake up some mornings feeling aroused because sex is how I’ve avoided uncomfortable feelings. so instead of me feeling anxious in the morning, I may have a slight erection, to numb any feelings that my subconscious is hoping to avoid.

it’s funny because even though I’ve removed sex addiction from my core identity, deep in my subconscious it’s still a habit of mine to numb myself / stimulate myself ie. wake up with a slight erection without any conscious effort in my sleep. now obviously I wasn’t able to manage my stress the way my body needed to the night before which is why this still happens…but I know over time I am breaking away from it.

so for maintaining a healthy life…my core identity is really…me being in touch with myself. me being in touch with myself is just being in tune with myself and everything that is happening. if my core identity is a car, then I’m the driver. and I need to be in tune with it. if there’s a funny noise, I investigate it and find the problem. if there’s a flat tire, I get it fixed. ignoring the signals that my core identity is trying to tell me, as the driver, just leads to bigger and bigger problems.

in short….i need to be mindful, which is why I love this other program that I’m working as well, because it’s taught me so much about being mindful. of my body sensations, of habit loops, etc. because i’ve seen how my core identity has attached to other potentially unhealthy habit loops over the past few months ie. having more desserts / ice cream during the weekend / week than I did before quarantine.
that’s why my core identity can’t just be about looking for signals for sex. my core identity needs to be nourished so I can continue to take care of myself the way that I need to take care of myself, which is through my values.

b.
values and core identity as I’m starting to see now is like bread and butter. they both need each other to have a good meal / have and live a fulfilling life.
values have been taking off over the past few months that I had no idea how important they were to me have flourished. financially, cooking (a lot of this is due to time since being at home), creatively (focusing more on directing than writing), and evolution (using unwinding anxiety app, RN over 12 step meetings)…
the more I continue to fulfill my core identity with the things that I value to give me long term fulfillment, the easier it is to drive my car (core identity). and the more in tune I am with my car / core identity, the easier it is to manage my life during difficult times.

and the goal is that during these difficult times because of rewarding myself / fulfilling myself from the things that I value…the goal is that during times of stress I can rely on them / use them to manage stress.
now I’m not perfect, I will make impulsive decisions going forward such as when I’m tired and hungry.
but the point is to have plans though. and to anticipate that when my car is low on fuel, how am I going to take care of myself to get to the next gas station? what will be my fuel and how will I manage myself to prevent myself from going overboard in terms of anxiety?

these are all logical and realistic plans that I can have in place, in conjunction with being mindful, to help my car run well over the long distance.

so ya….these decisions that I make…if I continue to make them based on my values and what is helpful and healthy for me in the long term…I will help to continue my core identity. to build the foundation of this house for any storm that may pass…


c.
I feel like the more I drive this car, the more in tune I am with it. and it’s fascinating to see how much more in tune I am becoming with things that were so automatic and unhealthy. and it can be with anything. hedonic eating has been one that I’ve been focusing recently. like I’m staying at my uncle’s and had a bigger dinner last night…I found myself automatically refilling my plate BEFORE I even finished my first dish. and of course I was very very stuff. like a little bit too stuff. and I get it…it’s family. and eat a lot and have a lot of good food as approach the holidays.

but it’s become so automatic for me to stuff myself…and I realize I don’t feel good afterwards. and it’s like…what do I get from this?

but more related with sex addiction stuff….it’s been really really helpful to know how over the past few months that I’ve been using girls in the past that I’ve met or one that I’ve seen on a tv show to escape my current life and imagine what it would be like to have a relationship with someone that is not realistic.
this has been hard to let go of. but when I was able to break it down the other week…I think my core identity liked that. and I’m finding more and more pieces that were not helpful for my core identity…I feel like I’m getting all of this bad fuel that was stuck in my car’s tail pipe and it’s slowly being cleared out over time…with meditation, being mindful, values….they all connect to me being in tune with my core identity.

meditation…I now take it for granted has been the biggest cornerstone for my core identity. I repeat…but I wouldn’t be redoing the lessons if it wasn’t for meditation. I would still be disconnected from my core identity.

it’s interesting when I think of moments when I have acted out. I most definitely am not in tune with my core identity. in fact…it’s like an electric car that is charging and someone pulls the plug out. I’m completely disconnected. emotions. physical sensations. thoughts.

wow.

I get it more on an intellectual level from typing this…but it’s like…the sex internet searching that I did on 1/5/20 was like…a complete disconnection from myself. I remember my forehead hurting so much and my body was so hungry from not allowing myself to leave the computer screen…that I just completely ignored all of the signs that my body was giving me. that my brain was giving me which was like ‘stop hurting yourself’.

but I was hurting my core identity by being disconnected from myself.

wow….i never thought about that for addiction. like being completely disconnected from myself…and being disconnected from myself is being disconnected from my core identity.

that makes sense to me now.

and that’s why it’s easier to not be building the things that I valued before…because if I wasn’t really connected with my core identity…then how do I know what’s important to me?

I feel like…over the past ten years…I was like trying to plug that charger into the wall to be connected with myself…and it was like slowly working but I wasn’t completely turned on.

now I know it’s not black and white thinking / all or nothing….but I felt ever since…I started to be honest with myself….i’ve started to peel away the things away from my core identity that were hurtful for me.

i think that’s the thing…all of those moments where I’ve felt really sad over the past few months….like I was saying bye to a friend…is my core identity letting go of something…

and the more I let go / be honest with what is good for me / according to my vision / values / boundaries…then the easier I will be able to live a fulfilling life….


so what role did my core identity play in the decision making for acting out on 1/5/20?
I mean…well it was involved…since I did choose…but at the same time…it’s like I completely shut out my core identity from that decision. like I didn’t want to listen to myself. I didn’t want to trust myself and I ignored my core identity, which is why self esteem has been so low.

and because I didn’t want to listen to myself, I suffered the consequences of feeling awful and hurting my self esteem even more…
ya it’s like by making those decisions, I hurt my core identity even more. I lose myself. I feel lost. I just felt disconnected from it…


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 Post subject: lesson 45
PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2020 10:20 pm 
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lesson 45
Map of acting out on 1/5/20

Wake up bored around 8:30am --- feel bored
Think about meditating, yet decide not to --- feel bored
Choose to pick up phone to search on google maps for massage parlors– PoNr --- feel awe. suspense? getting ready for the rush? like at the top of a rollercoaster? tightness?
Sexual fantasies from scrolling through reviews, pictures of different massage parlors --- feel excited / feel relief
Sexual fantasies about all of the different options available in LA --- feel excited and in awe
Become bored searching on phone --- feel bored
Transition to searching on laptop for increasing stimulation --- feel suspense
Find websites that have many more options than google maps --- feel excited
Select top three potentially consider --- feel ecstatic
select top person --- feel ecstatic

if I change the elements around and use the PoNr to do something that I value instead:
Wake up bored around 8:30am --- feel bored
Think about meditating, yet decide not to --- feel bored
Choose to pick up phone to search on google maps – PoNr --- feel suspense? getting ready for the rush? like at the top of a rollercoaster? tightness?
turn off phone --- feel bored
get ready to go for a run --- feel annoyed
out running --- feel good









a more recent fantasizing experience on 10/31/20:

pick up desserts for friends’ birthday – happy
head over to neighbor’s apartment --- happy
hang out with friend and watch her carve a gorgeous / creative pumpkin --- in wonder, awe
fantasize about maybe she’s someone I can date (poNr) --- feel excited
feel excited about romanticizing our friendship --- feel excited
enjoy time hanging out with her --- feel relax
other friends come over --- feel happy
have fun with friends --- laugh and have fun
watch tv with neighbor and friends on couch with food --- feel loved
romanticize about flirting with her on Halloween night --- feel excited
try to figure out how to show her interest – feel annoyed
feel annoyed when I feel like nothing is going to happen --- feel frustrated
accept that I was just playing games with myself to stimulate myself --- feel bored


interesting from doing this…both two completely different scenarios…yet at the beginning of both rituals is this feeling of awe. I know that hanging out with a friend and then romanticizing our friendship…this is not the first time I’ve done it and I know I do it b/c I’m not dating now and I’m not seeing anyone else when in quarantine…so I know it’s happening more now than usual.

it’s like this feeling of awe is connected with fantasy…and it’s like an escape for me. it’s how I can change a situation that may seem just boring…to something exciting.

I would really like to be present of my body sensations next time I’m with my neighbor. I think it would be important to note the physical sensations and ask myself what do I get from this…because this has been a ritual that I know I’ve held onto.

i just feel like my mind will hold onto her until I find someone else that I want to date because I just don’t have any other options. but the point is I don’t want to continue to be fantasizing subjects for my own stimulation. if I stop with her and do it with someone else, that doesn’t help me.

i think it would be good just to be present in the moment when I do find myself manipulating the reality in my mind…and creating this ‘awe’. and ask myself what do I get from this?

because it just feels like an escape at the moment…from the reality that I’m just not dating anyone…

so it’s interesting the…creativity that I saw in her is what triggered the fantasy. and it’s like the boredom when I was on my phone on 1/5/20 is what triggered my awe….well actually…I feel it’s more of the…me searching massage parlors and being in ‘awe’ when I saw all of the massage parlors in my area.

it’s like this wonder. this feeling of delight. like I find this magic in my reality that I can use to escape my life. that’s what this awe feels like. that’s the feeling that is…manipulating.

that’s the emotional element that is the trickster. that makes me think I’ve found something good when in fact it’s the thing that has lead to my….addiction. that feeling of awe is what has hooked me for years. it can be that feeling when I see someone, or am on the internet. that’s the feeling that has really hooked me if I identify the emotional element that leads to these rituals.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2020 9:23 am 
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lesson 46

talking to someone
feel uncomfortable, anxious
listening to person talking
sexualize person (create visual artificial stimulation) to avoid uncomfortable feelings – poNr
elements involved: sensory of sight, sound, danger (feel threatened),

new element: tell to person silently in my head a positive phrase “may he/she/they be well / happy”

new element: check in with body sensations if need to
new element: if feel comfortable, focus attention on person again

values from new elements: evolution / continuous growth


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2020 11:12 am 
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lesson 47

Christmas
Birthday
Wedding
First date
Dump someone
Dumped by someone
Divorced
Family death
Contact person in past
Script on an ex
Pride parade
Hang out with neighbors
Home for holidays




1) Flying back to LA from my parents home --- after being at parents place for the holidays

Sexual thoughts and fantasies would most likely begin a few days before I fly or may start the day of or before I fly.

the absolute poNr is when I make the decision to turn on my laptop and act out when I am alone in LA after returning home. however…there are many steps before where I can stop all of this build up from happening.

if I reach the absolute poNr I can immediately create the break by:
asking myself ‘what do I get from this?’
note the physical sensations in my body (tension, tightness, arousal, etc.)
ask what are the physical sensations in my feet? in my hands?

emotions associated would be:
excitement, ecstatic

physical sensations associated with those emotions would be:
arousal, fast heart beating, sweaty hands

overall state with me will be:
not talking to anyone, thoughts going way too fast in my head, ignoring calls or texts, ignoring my goals / priorities


isolate emotions of:
arousal, ecstasy

value based decision:
checking in with my body of physical sensations
meditation if not done yet



ideally I would like to make the poNr when it is a few days before I fly out…and I can be checking in with my body.
when I get sexual fantasies of wanting to act out when I return back to LA, I can gently ask myself:
what do I get from this?
what are the physical sensations in my body?



at this stage, it is much easier to enact other decisions for balancing myself such as:
physical activity --- can I do a workout?
cooking --- can I make a fun and delicious meal?
creativity --- am I making progress on a specific project now? or am I avoiding something…

2) Hanging out with neighbors

Imagining that I’m back in LA and I’m going over to hang out at my neighbors apt. If it’s the one that I’ve romanticized in the past, the ritual will begin as soon as I decide to reach out…or if they’re the ones who have reached out to me for me to hang out.

Feelings associated with the ritual are:
happy, excited, dreamy…

Thoughts associated with ritual are:
Maybe the one I’ve romanticized about is the one for me and I just never accepted it. And try to add more stimulation to this thought by the amount of time we spend together, activities we do.

Create the break when:
ask myself ‘what do I get from this?’
Feelings of excitement disappear and left with the feeling of boredom.

EXPECT to feel uncomfortable and boredom when break the trance. That it’s more STIMULATING for me to create these artificial thoughts that she is the one…instead of that she’s my neighbor and I enjoy spending time with them. and I also spend a lot of time with them out of convenience. and friendship built out of convenience simply will not last. it’s just a filler.

and it’s more stimulating to me to imagine that I’m building something real --- yet it’s just my mind creating a fantasy. a delusion to hold on to because I’m simply just bored and don’t have anyone else.

value based decision?
I guess I thought it was asking myself the question --- what do I get from this --- and checking in with physical sensations of my body….

i guess because there’s no substitute for these thoughts. I can breathe into my body and sit with the uncomfortable feelings and that is as good as it gets.

but if I want to make an active decision….for strengthening my values…

i think I can strengthen my friendship value by recognizing that if I truly value our friendship…I would respect the boundary that she is my friend with the thoughts in my head.

and that when my mind wants to cross into romantic relationship…I can simply ask myself what do I get from this…and to let the ritual be broken…which is thus honoring my friendship with her because I am not creating any artificial relationship in my mind.

I know in the past I’ve made food for my neighbors. I guess I can do that or buy them food. it’s always rewarding to be selfless.



3) First date

Meeting someone for a first date. The ritual will begin most likely depending on how we meet. If we meet…most likely online…then it will begin when view pictures of her. Is she my future partner? is she the one? etc.
I can make a break as soon as I have those thoughts.

I can ask myself…what do I get from this?

When I realize that all I am getting is just stimulation for my brain…then I can let it go and let it be.

The emotions associated with this ritual are happiness, excitement, dreamy. When I remove those emotions…it becomes less fun. emotions remaining will most likely be…happy, looking forward to it. there’s a level of interest, yet not as high.

the thoughts that I would use to create the ritual of what do I get from this can help ground me back into reality. I can continue to check in with my body afterwards. what are the physical sensations in my feet? in my hands?
from there, I can make a more value based decision…such as focusing on my priorities for the day / where ever I am.

4) doing my next short film / first feature

so the next time I’m prepping and stressed for my next film…I know that I will be stressed. my mind will then want to create artificial stimulation as a way to deal with my uncomfortable emotions / stress.

poNr…can be when I start having those fantasies. fantasies will depend on where I am as I’ve learned I can sexualize any location to avoid uncomfortable feelings.

I can gently ask myself ‘what do I get from this?’ or I can simply note the physical sensations that arise in my body in the moment. tightness, heat, pressure, etc.

emotions associated will be…I guess they can range from excitement, to arousal, to just simply annoying. they’ve been more annoying than anything recently, which is how I expect it may be the next time, yet it may range from annoying to aroused in the future.

asking myself what do I get from this helps create the break. checking in with the physical sensations in my body helps ground me in the moment to strengthen my mindfulness.

I have to also predict that it may feel sad to not rely on these emotions when I recognize that I am not getting anything from these habit loops…other than just avoiding uncomfortable feelings.

but from that sadness. I can sit with the real feelings and use that energy to tackle whatever it is that I am working on creatively.



5) Christmas
night before or few nights before Christmas. go to bed. get aroused. feelings associated are excitement, heart beat racing.
make break by checking in with my feet…what do my feet feel?
ask myself what do I get from this?
if not disenchanted yet, check in with my hands. do the five finger exercise if I need to.

when break kicks the ritual, I can tell myself a positive affirmation. may I be kind.


6) Pride parade
out at a pride parade. see a lot of people. feel triggered when see someone that I would want to act out / romanticize as a future partner.

go home alone. want to turn on computer to act out. poNr. can: ask myself --- what do I get from this?
make break by checking in with body sensations. how do my feet feel?
give myself a love and kindness moment

7) contact person in past
want to contact person in past. feel thoughts arising about how we are meant to be together.
ask myself…what do I get from this?
check in with body sensations in feet, hands, chest. give myself a moment of love and kindness.


Last edited by foundman on Thu Dec 24, 2020 8:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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