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 Post subject: update/check + lesson 41
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2020 5:16 am 
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event with deflecting blame
Reaction: felt misunderstood, immediately reacted emotionally by deflecting the blame
values involved: connection, pride/ego (integrity), emotional wellness/reaction.
Existing boundaries: stay silent or try to get on the same page. was not even done.
effectiveness here: VERY poor. my fault here for bursting out, deciding to trust my emotions and not rationale/values. also misunderstood as I sincerely felt victim, when thinking again I was not.
new boundaries: connect and dont close up / isolate self. the disconnect is the reason there is misunderstanding a lot. From there's it's really just values-based decision making because i broke my own boundaries and the other's.

i relapsed today. why? i made the choice to listen to my urges and triggers. why? i "didnt wanna deal with shit right now" despite me telling myself to anticipate that mindset for the past 2 weeks. ??? and also i seemed to have ignored half my values. why? partially because i was stuck playing a game. but why did, even knowing since my last post, i continued? Because i thought i could keep it under control, and make the choice to adhere to my values instead of continue the compulsive activity. so i overestimated my ability to balance everything out.

what do i differently next then? either improve my value-based decision making (which, i felt, has greatly expanded but obviously still insufficient) or dont play, stay cautious, stay alert, dont do anything as compulsive. obviously the better is do both for now. also a few other changes im making related to the event with deflecting blame, for lesson 41

this is a big blow because it shows the foundation i still need to work on but at least i now know about it.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2020 6:15 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Hello ed
Quote:
i relapsed today. why? i made the choice to listen to my urges and triggers. why? i "didnt wanna deal with shit right now"


so now you need to deal with "an addicts acceptable shit"


Quote:
but at least i now know about it.

actually you knew all along but chose to deny

however all is not lost
learn from what you have done and why you did it
expel any and all excuses
strengthen your resolve and make your mind up
recovery requires commitment and resolve but it really is worth it
choose wisely

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: update/check
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2020 9:11 pm 
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hi, thank you coach kenzo.
it's been a while but so far going good. i've done a few of the boundary listing and the last monitoring on my laptop, and also trying to learn about my family members' boundaries. it just takes energy and awareness to constantly do. i've also been updating my values more as i fit and for now my priorities have changed considering many of my values cannot be priority in the midst of this quarantine. i also decided i would completely stop counting days, even if to look back in the future. maybe i'll calculate some day but for now no more.

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 Post subject: Lesson 42
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2020 10:00 pm 
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Mastering Rituals and Chains: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_042.php
* Reviewing L24-28

I believe I have a functional understanding and internalized the concepts mentioned. But the concept of finite emotions is not yet ingrained in my day-to-day. Don't think I have any questions.

So I guess that's stage 3 done for now! I'm not gonna wrap it up obviously, I'll still continue the boundary listing and monitoring and return if the need occurs

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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2020 4:18 am 
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at the core of "not dealing with shit" is immediate gratification. avoiding uncomfortable emotions and feelings. but further than that, what is it that the addict side of me fears dealing with?
perhaps, iv've concluded, it is the reality that continuing recovery means NO masturbation in the foreseeable future - until at least, i can mange it non-compulsively. Means that I'd have to deal with my shit and myself right here and right now without the coping mechanism that i know and trust in my 'comfort zone'.
perhaps it's my rejection of the idea that i'd have to deal with my urges for who knows how long. or perhaps its my rejection of the idea that porn won't replace anything. i chose to DENY these. i think.

and that's where all the previous addiction concepts come into play. finite emotions, urges & triggers are relative, immediate grat, values & coping mechanisms (and emotional balance), choice. all these concepts i understood in one way or another, but i never CONNECTED them all too well. so now my task is not just having an understanding, but making sure i have a THOROUGH and FUNCTIONAL understanding and internalization of the concepts.

is it my commitment? my motivation, my driving force? maybe. i dont think so. but i will not deny it outright. i will scratch it off or sweept it under the rug. the only reason i said i dont think so is im sure it's because the above reason. only time will tell how ready i am. though if i was truly committed, i would have made sure to check up on my self daily before. which is what i will begin to do, but not in here, on notepad.

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 Post subject: Lesson 43
PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2020 12:46 am 
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Urge Control: Awareness - http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_043.php

Summary: If you continue or accept an urge, you're extending the ritual. Hence the importance of a 5 second "break" to be aware and manage the urge.
Lesson 43 Exercise:
3. Question, will I still get feedback for the urge assessment worksheet I sent? Or is it inactive now?

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 Post subject: Lesson 44
PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2020 6:11 am 
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Urge control: Core identity - http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_044.php

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life
    I tried imagining myself without my core identity and from what I understand, everyone would be the same and monotous (other than physique). My core identity is my life - the reason my values are what they are, and why/how I have established (and maintained) them. My core identity is why I am able to perceive an event and respond accordingly, whether impulsively or rationally - and with my values, it is how I CHOOSE to respond rationally so it is aligned with my values. I don't think this is complete but thats the basic of how I see it.

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.
    Doing things according to my values ingrains those values and re affirms them. I honestly dont know how to explain it with words, but the way I see it in simplified terms, is if I choose to exercise over sleeping in bed, that is a value-based experience (for health value), and if I continue to make this choice, it is simply part of who my core identity: 'i care for my health and so I usually choose to wake up early to exercise' . To be honest that did not perfectly align with how I see it but it's as close as I can get.

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?
    Frankly there are not many major events or stressors in this not-so-eventful quarantine so I cannot accurately say how my core identity is currently. But how in tune am I with my core identity? At firts in thinking about this q i thought, Am I not my own core identity? How does one lose touch with their own core identity? How dose one lose alignment with their soul? Maybe if they stop self-reflecting and have absolutely no self conciousness? I honestly am not sure. Pls help correct me if I understood this wrong.
    I feel intune with my core identity. Except with my social life because I don't know where I stand with it, and with my anger/frustration which I always feel is not me but at the same time I always felt has defined me. The last 2 questions from this made me realize my core identity vs my decisions have a loop - my identity is what makes me decide I'LL JUST LIE MY WAY OUT vs Honesty is the best policy, meanwhile which decision I take is like chipping away a stone (my core identity) into a sculpture or particular shape, or walking through the same dirt path over - as I continue and repeat, it will take some sort of shape

Again please help and correct me if I'm wrong - this concept felt simple but putting it into words felt like trying to explain colour.

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PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2020 6:24 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Hello Ed


Quote:
Again please help and correct me if I'm wrong - this concept felt simple but putting it into words felt like trying to explain colour.

As far as I am aware private coaching is still not available at this time
however mentors and volunteer coaches do monitor and drop in as and when we can and as and when thought to be appropriate

RN is self help and you are doing just that
please keep on doing so and stay on course
you do get to choose most of your path in life choose wisely

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2020 11:12 am 
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I have mostly done well with my values and managed my urges throughout the month, but today I can only blame myself for relapsing thrice. It's really easy to say 'I learnt my mistake, no more. I'm done with this shit.' but I know words only do so much.

I got confident that I was able to handle my triggers and urges with relative ease, still mechanical but when something popped up this morning I kept on looking at it thinking I'll be just fine... to a point where I accepted my urges and relapsed. So I see a big fault here: the lack of internalization or functional use of finite emotions. another thing was the fact that i forgot about the sexual values lesson - if i didn't, i would have referred to my values and stop myself from continue to look at the picture.

The why is simple. I suppose I ended up "not wanting to deal with my shit" for the day and continued my relapse. Why is that, and how do I prevent it then? the way I see it, since school including online stuff is over, while I am still in line with my values most of the day tends to contain more instant gratification aka behavior-based emotions than value-based since I am free for more of the day. I have a few plans for this including reviewing my values list though I do feel they conclude my values well. Why does this keep happening? Blaming the current situation with being stuck at home is easy, but I realize more reflection is needed.

though really, i have no excuse. And I ask and ask, what do I do from here on? Do I continue on like normal? but I realize it's probably best to review the lessons one by one? also urge control. I failed to follow the previous lesson. im honestly very disappointed in how I keep on relapsing over and over despite my resources with the workshop and the forum here. i'm not giving up. i will get over whats in my head and achieve recovery.

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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2020 10:40 pm 
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After some further self-reflection and going back to lesson 30, i conclude that a big issue is my values. Developing them and writing them, while doing so previousy I didn't take into account both quarantine and having no school/assignments whatsoever and as a result 1) some of my values have been 'suspended' 2) i have so much time i dont know what to do, even extending my current values (reading more, etc etc)they dont seem strong enough to maintain balance or satisfaction while i stay home daily not doing any assignments.

What i am planning to do: still reviewing old lessons, and I will re-read them daily particularly the concepts to help ingrain it along with doing the next urge control lessons, but most importantly i am planning to try new hobbies (though i dont know what) and also extending my current values more, cutting down on the games/social media (not completely stopping).

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 Post subject: Lesson 45
PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2020 10:49 pm 
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Urge Control: Isolating the Emotions - http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_045.php

A.
1. Anxiety, adrenaline - another opprotunity, urge, decisions being made
- i dont remember trigger
- immediate: 'recovery vs relapse. which choice do i make'
2. Curiosity, excitement - opening erotica, wondering what I will find
3. Frustration - not loading properly.
4. Comfort - setting up room and self for masturbation
5. Frustration, boredom - erotica not stimulating enough
5. Comfort, excitement, arousal - watching porn videos
6. Frustration, impatience - loading, buffering, lag
7. Arousal, e xcitement - continued masturbating
8. Adrenaline, short euphoria - orgasm, climax.
9. Guilt, shame, frustration - post-masturbation seeps in as always
10 #9 intensifying more and more - shame, walk out and mom was outside.
Classified as life management ritual, ended with negative guilt and shame.

B. There were few key elements like 1,2,5, 8. in this ritual 3,6,9,10 would improve my emotional stimulation but mainly 6 and 9.
C.4 is the main ponr. because it felt like a grand 'gesture' that signified that "im in now".
D. I think I will ignore frustration, because in many other rituals my PONR follows something like 2. opening erotica / porn sites. In the future I will want to isolate 1 too from the emotions
E. 2. gives the arousal and excitement that makes it difficult to create a 'break' where i can stay away / isolate from the emotion high and break from the ritual, which leads to me making a gesture that "signifies" my act. the way i see it.

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"Feelings [and emotions] are indicators, not dictators."


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 Post subject: Lesson 46
PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2020 2:30 am 
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http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_046.php
Urge Control: Isolating the decision > the flow of information, constructive vs compulsive.

Exercise:
A. considering a previous compulsive chain, identify the element immediately preceeding the 'point of no return' and then rewrite the remainder of the chain so that your actions are based on healthy values, rather than immediate emotional response

B. Initially, this may feel awkward. The emotions derived from a compulsive act is often much more intense than that capable of being achieved through long-term values. And while there are ways to address this, know that it is similar to switching from Coke to Diet Coke (or Pepsi!). It may taste unappealing at first, but stick with it and you will soon wonder how you could have ever liked the taste of the original.
    1. Tried to go to sleep, but was wide awake
    / PoNR, next is rewritten based on values
    2. read a book
    3. or listen to music
    4. try to sleep again

    1. Wake up aroused > open up phone for comfort
    / PoNR here
    2. Listen to music
    3. or o morning prayer
    4. preferably, dont touch phone > do stretches
in the past where I felt urges to act out and managed not to, most of the times I think it's thanks to me opening my thread here and rereading some lessons or exercises.

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"Feelings [and emotions] are indicators, not dictators."


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 Post subject: Lesson 47
PostPosted: Tue Jun 02, 2020 3:02 am 
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http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_047.php
Practical Urge Awareness: After it has clicked and you've long recovered, you CANNOT be complacent and set everything you learnt in the workshop aside. You will face urges, and you dont wanna face it unprepared and unexpecting. Urges are merely symptoms, the real '!' is why the urges are there. "Managing that urge becomes your second priority, understanding why it has occurred is primary. And so, urges become the very triggers for boosting your awareness. When an urge is experienced, you don't immediately try to fight/suppress it...you use it as a trigger for action."

Lesson 47 Exercise: (to be finished)
    - semi nude posts found when scrolling by accident / when searched
      > similar to other scenarios listed
      > it would begin when im scrolling on my phone on social media. a post grabs my attention, i tap it. it's a woman wearing a bikini (or similar). i look, and i feel aroused. particularly with this urge, i would create a break ASAP. close the app for a while, look away, browse different posts.
      > i dont follow any nude 'influencers', and despite hiding the posts they will not disappear.
    - semi-nude ads on social media
    - description of a situation that i associated with porn or fantasies
    - being in a situation that i associated with sexual fantasies
    - game/movie character outfits being suggestive
    - someone I like being flirty with me
    - receiving a flirty/suggestive text message
    - someone I like wearing revealing clothes
    - curiously checking out someone's profile -> tapping all their semi-nude posts
    - waking up in a bad mood after a sexual dream
    - "curiously" searching a sexual post/video i saw a long time ago
    - finding someone whose face i associated with a porn star
    - proactively imagining a sexual situation with someone i like

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"Feelings [and emotions] are indicators, not dictators."


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 Post subject: Lesson 48
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2020 5:17 am 
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Proactive/Reactive Urge Awareness: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_048.php

Role-Playing/Visualization: picturing, imagining, fantasizing. In the past few days I've used this to walk myself through the elements of my ritual when urges came
Anticipating: anticipating triggers and urges in the future
Actively Seeking: being proactive and looking out or creating the opportunities you want/need.

Lesson 48 Exercise:
3. I feel confident in my visualization ability, though still mechanical at times. The thing about anticipation is it seems harder than visualization to come to "imagine" or "replicate" the emotions, though I guess the point is to be aware and ready should urges rise. Actively seeking: not proficient yet, I will update when I feel ready with this one

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2020 6:12 am 
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Update / recovery check

Relapsed in the past week... several times. i dont know where to start. Given the resources and the amount of knowledge and experience I had from this workshop, I'm so disappointed that this managed to happen. Makes me question myself. This situation has happened a bunch of times now. I feel like I am failing MYSELF

Why have I been all over the places? Lack of consequences. It SEEMED as though relapsing choosing immediate gratification has no consequence. Of course it does I KNOW IT, I should be accountable and responsible for the choices I make.. But it feels less tangible and with no responsibilities on my shoulders, time feels like a distant concept and freedom feels mine. But my values were supposed to keep me in check. I have to remind myself that the choices are mine, but a commitment to exercise half an hour a day seems difficult right now.

I realize and am aware that my old unstable addict habits are returning - anxious, confused, and scared that I will 'mess up' an truth is there is much self doubt. I have nt kept with my previous commitments

When your living way too stuck in your comfort zone, something right outside that would otherwise feel no problem becomes a tremendously difficult task. But i dont know where to start. Dont know what I did wrong. But i know i will not accept my situation and continue with the label ' addict', because that I want to change. This I want to get rid my life of. Because I am making the choices in my own life.

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