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PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2020 12:13 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Good Morning everyone.

After several attempts of thinking through my vision I have come up with one that I am satisfied with.

As a boy, a man, a brother, a father and a husband, I envision my future life being filled with graciousness and gratefulness. Enjoying every moment of my new sober healthy life and celebrating those in my life that know my past doesn't define me. I see myself making sure I grow and develop in my faith becoming closer to God. In God I choose to live a life of purpose, intentionally. To know I have a loving God who accepts me as I am no matter what. In this I am comfortable knowing I am not perfect. I dedicate the remainder of my life to working closely with God to live the life that was intended for me. To grow confident in myself, no longer putting limitations on myself or simply "skating" through life afraid of rejection or negativity. No longer simply putting in minimal effort. To achieve I understand I need to set healthy attainable goals working hard, daily, to achieve them. My mental, emotional, and physical well being needs to remain on the forefront to remain in a positive healthy state of being. It is crucial to my success. The vision I have of my future is one where I continue to grow and learn daily choosing positive methods and remain active and relevant.

Additionally, my Wife and Children is of the utmost importance in my vision.

My Wife is my bestfriend. As any relationship should, I will respect my Wife and her capabilities. She is a strong intelligent woman with emotional, mental and physical needs. She has always been there for me. I will not ever take advantage of our connection. I am grateful to have such a person in my life. I will give my Wife the space she requires or desires knowing that she will grow as an individual having this time to herself. I acknowledge it is healthy for us as individuals to have our personal space, as it allows us to grow and develop. I support and encourage my Wife through her individual goals and aspirations while setting and achieving our goals and aspirations as a married couple. Her happiness is as important to me as my own. My communication skills will improve as I dedicate myself to be intentionally open, honest and vulnerable with her.

I will forever take it upon myself to learn how to grow, respect and nurture myself, my Wife, my marriage and my family.

To sum up my vision, I dedicate my each and every day to grow in God. Opening up myself to Him in every way. While doing so I dedicate my life to living a healthy sober life learning and developing life management skills. Having the above my focus moves to being a life partner with my Wife. Loving her, honouring her, and respecting her. I want her to have every chance to grow as an individual, my bestfriend, a mom, a sister, a female and a life long partner in marriage. I will grow to nurture and love my children and be the best Father who does so unconditionally just as God does with all who seek Him.

Thanks all. I look forward to rowing and learning with each and every one of you.

Last edited by FreedomRequired on Wed Feb 26, 2020 10:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 1:17 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Good Evening All,

As I continue to grow in my recovery and find myself building on my life management skills, each day has gotten better for me. My healthy sober future is my only desire.

My values list looks like this:

(I will continue to add to this list as I work through this therapy.)

1.) Living in Faith.
2.) Find passion in God and His works in me.
3.) Living a purpose filled life.
4.) Live a life of intention.
5.) Finding acceptance in myself.
6.) Overcoming and surviving my personal struggles.
7.) Establishing a feeling of competence in my field of work.
8.) Living with integrity.
9.) Strengthening my role as a Husband.
10.) Strengthening my role as a Father.
11.) Being dedicated in everything I set my heart to.
12.) Live an honest life.
13.) Expressing spirituality in my every day life.
14.) Being known as a dependable person.
15.) Being reliable.
16.) Taking care of myself.
17.) Developing my emotional, mental and physical maturity.
18.) Pursuing advancement in my career skill set.
19.) Establishing goals to assist and guide my family and I to financial freedom.
20.) Developing a healthy sexual intimacy with my Wife.
21.) Developing a healthy sexual desire and sexual contact with my Wife.
22.) Experiencing a God given ability to be unoffendable.
23.) Learning to forgive easily.
24.) Being known as someone who is trustworthy.
25.) Feeling unconditional love and accepting it without any criticism from myself.
26.) Providing an unconditional love to my Wife and children.
27.) Honouring my Wife and marriage in front of God.
28.) Redeveloping the patience I once had.
29.) Nurturing my children's creativity and imagination.
30.) Being able to understand my own feelings and be vulnerable in expressing my feelings.
31.) Establishing my purpose in life.
32.) Finding security and peace within the circle of life.
33.) Instilling healthy values in my children.
34.) Continued success in relinquishing control over things that are beyond my control or power.
35.) Sacrificing my pride in myself and my marriage to better my relationship with my Wife.
36.) Allow myself to be completely vulnerable with my Wife.
37.) Absolute fidelity in my marriage to my Wife.
38.) Growing my communication skills.
39.) Accepting responsibility for living my life and making the best of every opportunity.
40.) Living a selfless life.
41.) Establishing realistic life goals.
42.) Developing confidence in myself and my abilities.
43.) Challenging myself so my life continues to be active and vibrant. 
44.) Being considerate of others.
45.) Challenging my fears to expand my life.
46.) Being considerate of my Wife's feelings and needs.
47.) Establishing healthy eating habits.
48.) Connecting with my Wife in extracurricular activities.
49.) Becoming physically fit.
50.) Establishing a daily meditation time to be with God.
51.) Establishing better time management skills.
52.) Respecting the need to be prompt and on time.
53.) Celebrating my accomplishes daily big or small.
54.) Being able to positively understand, process and negotiate my emotions and/or thoughts before reacting.
55.) Acknowledging that we all people are perfectly made in God's eyes and being able to respect everyone equally.
56.) Acknowledging my progress in a work in motion that takes time and I need to be patient because it is truly about progress and not immediate perfection.
57.) Gain a better connection with my oldest Son.
58.) Establish and maintain the skills to manage daily tasks and sort out their priorities.
59.) Fall more in love with my Wife daily.
60.) Enjoy the outdoors more.
61.) Travel more often.
62.) Say yes more often.

Some of the remainder may end up being duplicates but I have decided I am over thinking this and I am going to do this differently.

63.) Patient.
64.) Honourable.
65.) Supportive.
66.) Intention.
67.) Prompt.
68.) Humble.
69.) Confident.
70.) Encouraging.
71.) Faithful.
72.) Trustworthy.
73.) Dependable.
74.) Truthful.
75.) Gracious.
76.) Valuable.
77.) Intimate (with my Wife in a healthy manner)
78.) Respectful.
79.) Fearless.
80.) Vulnerable.
81.) Educated.
82.) Maturing/Growing. (In my life and beliefs)
83.) Passionate (about life and work and with my Wife)
84.) Strong.
85.) Dedicated.
86.) Active.
87.) Healthy.
88.) Committed.
89.) Loving.
90.) Understanding.
91.) Rational. (Not basing decisions off of emotions)
92.) Grateful.
93.) Selfless

Last edited by FreedomRequired on Sun Mar 15, 2020 9:25 am, edited 6 times in total.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 6:18 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Thank you Team.

Thank you Coach Kenzo for the insight. Below is just the beginning to my priority list. After reading CoachMel's post I will continue both my values list and my priority values list. These will grow and expand to include the values i hold close to my hear and aspirations I wish to achieve.

I appreciate this worksheet more than you know. I hope that this has helped many people find their path in life.

My priorities are as follows:

1.) Living a spiritual life knowing God.
2.) Finding the life God has intended for me.
3.) Confidently believing in myself.
4.) Finding peace with who God made me.
5.) Living a life of purpose, intentionally, Every day.
6.) Loving my Wife with honour.
7.) Absolute marital fidelity.
8.) Living a life of purity to gain a true passionate, loving, caring, nurturing and intimate relationship with my Wife.
9.) Establishing a healthy connection with my children.
10.) Being a role model for my children.
11.) Learn to pass no judgement on others. To be accepting and considerate of others.
12.) Respect boundaries but expand my connection and relationship with my Wife and children.
13.) Never put limits or restrictions on myself but set healthy attainable goals and aspirations.
14.) Establish healthy eating habits and exercise more.
15.) Love myself the way I am, as God created me.
16.) To share a drink with my Wife on a beach side resort during a summer day.
17.) Enjoy a debt free life while still maintaining the ability to enjoy it finding joy in things that are not materialistic.
18.) Find my true calling in my career that provides stability while allowing me to find joy and fulfillment.
19.) Dating my Wife and truly learning about her.
20.) To be connected fully with my Wife growing and getting over my past self not allowing it to sabotage my connection with her.

From the Dark Side:

1.) Searching for acceptance by searching for praise or acknowledgement from those who don't know me.
2.) Searching for affirmation in places where it's not plausible or true.
3.) Weighing my worth in negative thoughts or actions.
4.) Worrying over uncontrollable situations.
5.) Trying to be perfect in the eyes of others instead of my own and God's.
6.) Holding onto my past through emotions and grudges, not allowing forgiveness to take hold of my heart and allow myself to move on

Last edited by FreedomRequired on Sun Mar 15, 2020 9:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 29, 2020 10:21 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
I feel like this set of steps took a lot for me to complete.

If any of the Coaches are around and have read mine, are able to send me a bit more guidance it would be appreciated.

I look at my priority values list as relevant. In order to grant me the ability to easily look at this list in my day to day life, and allow me to succeed, I choose to narrow the list down to about 5.

My top 5 refined priority values list are as follows:

1.) Live a spiritual life truly connected to God and his master plan for me never searching for perfection but always striving for progress.
2.) Continue to learn who my Wife is as a person. While doing so growing an intimate, caring, loving, nurturing and wholesome bond with her.
3.) Become a role model and find the most positive nurturing father I can be in my children individually as they each have their own personalities.
4.) Find success and celebrate each one in my own life. Challenging my fears and healthy boundaries. Allowing me to experience more of what life has to offer.
5.) Recognizing my past is my past and it doesn't define who I am. That my present time is what is deciding my future. I will always choose fidelity, truth, honesty, vulnerability and selflessness.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 10:44 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
1.) Find connection with my higher power, God. (regardless of the Lesson write up, my spiritual connection is important to me)

▪Make an attempt daily to grow closer to my spiritual side.
~> Read my daily devotion each and every day, outloud to myself.
~> Find time where I get alone time to reflect and meditate.
~> If my mental and emotional tendencies attempt to come at me I will go to the bible or to God's Promises to find meaning through God behind it so that I can learn to cast it out of my life.
Updated additions ~> Come to know that God is only a part of what helps me achieve a higher standard. My will to acknowledge a situation that is effecting me and my actions towards that situation are what truly allow me to change my ways. God is here to encourage me but I am to rely on myself because He has made it possible with in me

▪ Pray with sincerity, courage, respect, meaning and selflessness.
~> My sins have been forgiven and my prayers are promises given by the grace of God. Ask, believe and find it in my heart.
~> Pray each and every day, multiple times a day.
~> Pray for my Wife and Children, including them in those prayers and allowing them to join openly.

▪Find a new "home church"
~> Make attempts to visit the Churches in my area and bring my Wife and Kids when they are home and interested in joining.
~> Finding a home church has been difficult, so I've made adaptations to allow myself to attend and watch sermons to my old home church and one other online through their online sermons.

2.) Make a new start and strengthen marriage and relationship with my Wife.

▪Build and continue communicating openly and honestly while being completely vulnerable.
~> Talk to my Wife about how I feel without the fear of judgement or disappointment.
~> To defeat shame and guilt I need to love and trust my Wife with my feelings and emotions.
~> Ask my Wife how her day is and how she is feeling.
~> While talking to my Wife remain focused and attentive.

▪Grow a truly intimate relationship with my Wife.
~> Release the mental habits I've learned myself to believe and replace those with healthy ones about myself and my Wife.
~> Continue to connect with my Wife. Knowing that her love, affection, touch, friendship, companionship is not something I can ever take for granted.
~> My Wife is a living human being with emotion, feelings, thoughts, opinions, and value. Respect each and connect with them. She is not an object.
~> Make efforts to date my Wife. Find activities and schedule them. Taking everything into consideration. Transportation, babysitter, reservation etc.
~> Schedule date nights and hold to them.
~> Find an activity we can do together that we enjoy but that also offers a healthy outcome.

▪Honour my vows to my Wife that I made in front of God.
~> I will support my Wife through any challenges she sees herself in.
~> I will encourage her through any decision she makes.
~> I love my Wife always through any trial or tribulation just as she has loved me.
~> I will pray for my Wife and do it with her.
~> I seek only her love, affection, attention and affirmation. No one outside of family can speak such truths about our own selves
~> My Wife is her own person. I love her but I have also hurt her. The way to making amends is being completely open and honest with her. Eventually after learning how to do it in the best manner, I WILL give FULL disclosure all at one time and not in stages.
~> After didclosure, I will give her space to digest and make sense of my actions while maintaining and respecting her needs to ask more questions. I will not push nor will I deflect or with hold information no matter how badly my old habits will try to make me hide or lie or be angry.
~> I will be okay with whatever she decides to do with herself, with me, and our relationship once I put it in her hands.

3.) Believe and love myself for who I am.

▪Find power, encouragement and comfort in myself including any (self misguided) flaws.
~> My flaws are not flaws, they're simply unique traits that separate me from everyone else to make me an individual. I am empowered to use it to gain favour and exceed.
~> My Wife accepts me. She loves me. She knows me better than anyone besides myself and God. She believes in me. She LOVES Me!
~> I can improve on anything that I deem a negative in my life by facing it head on and going to battle with it doing what I am learning about recovery and healthy life management skills. Focus on the training and do it whole heartedly with open mindedness and honesty and putting them to use.
~> Know that I am powerless over my addiction but that through this process and by continuing to attend groups, therapy sessions and learning more and more about my struggles I gain empowerment and knowledge to defeat it.
~> Challenge my unwillingness to experience those things I put unnecessary boundaries on. Carve pumpkins with my kids. Eat foods that I have never tried because of my thought process, try new healthy activities I otherwise wouldn't, exercise, eat healthy, find an activity I can enjoy with my wife and dedicate myself to sharing that with her.
~> Finding myself can only be achieved once my lies and deceitful ways are out and only then can I let go and become new.

Last edited by FreedomRequired on Sun Mar 15, 2020 9:31 am, edited 3 times in total.

 Post subject: Reflection
PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 11:08 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
I find myself looking to this recovery hoping someone would respond to my passage to recovery. I've come to a realization today that this is my way of seeking affirmation from someone that I am doing this right or that I am "accepted".

Today, at this very moment, I choose to release this need. I am doing this recovery for myself, my Wife and my children. This is to save me and my marriage.

I dedicate my continued process, struggles and successes in this workbook to my family and myself. No longer needing affirmation. Only true guidance from the coaches should my responses ever go off track.

I accept me. God accepts me. My Wife accepts me. My children accept me. I will remain in my marriage providing I stay true to my recovery and healthy life. Only the above will get me there.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 2:16 pm 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hello FR
I feel like this set of steps took a lot for me to complete.

thus far this set of steps are only words
you need to walk the talk and do it for you
this is your recovery. your life.

If any of the Coaches are around and have read mine, are able to send me a bit more guidance it would be appreciated.

Coaches and mentors are always around and will step in to advise as and when required however you need to drive your journey

are you satisfied so far ?
if not why not
if so then keep on doing what you already know to be right

RN is a roadmap
the journey is not easy but it is more than possible but you need to choose to grasp that possibility
good luck

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 2:36 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Thanks Kenzo.

I feel good about my responses. I feel honest about my choice of words and decisions that I've made in what I've shared.

I don't intend on stopping even after my Lesson 70 comes to an end.

Again, thank you. Have a great day!

PostPosted: Mon Mar 02, 2020 10:43 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
I am going to look at this one carefully and think about the times I've been "triggered" or "challenged" and come at it with a means of empowering myself to overcomes these situations.

1.) Do not lose touch with my Spiritual side and continue communication with God in prayer and listen

* Wake up each morning with intention to learn about God. Turn on the TV and watch a message or ten.
* Open my email and actually read my Daily Devotion, rather than skipping over the email and saying "I'll read it later"
* Go to Church when possible, and if not possible watch it on TV or Online (Youtube) tuning out the moment the service is done and returning to real life.
* Read the Bible or any other book I have or can attain to relate the messages to my life.
* Involve myself with others from Church (Men only, and if it's a couple, only doing so with my Wife present and knowing)
* Pray out loud with my Wife each night, and pray to evolve this moment into a much deeper connection between the two of us.

In the past my Wife introduced me to God. It was shortly after losing my mother to cancer. I was hesitant and took quite some time to open up to the possibilities of God and believing. I have lost touch with God off and on, but have always kept a place for Spirituality. I want to be proactive and not lose touch with this side of me anymore.

* I will pray for this daily. Out loud hearing my voice command this to truth and being.
* I will seek out scripture to help me understand this imbalance and even out the roller coaster ride.
* Ask members of the Church and my Groups for their thoughts and plans of action when this comes up.

2.) Believing in myself. Knowing I am unique and uniquely made in God. Not more perfect than anyone else, but certainly and most undeniably not less than anyone else.

* Stop comparing myself and my gains/losses to others and their gains/losses.
* Begin challenging my thought process and habits.
~> I have started this by opening myself up to foods I wouldn't eat previously. I am also challenging things I wouldn't normally do. Such as carving pumpkins. Unhealthy foods don't make up the entirety of my diet any longer. I have been able to begin eating less (Although this began by stress and fear when I nearly lost my marriage, but I turned it into a healthy positive)
* I am celebrating my weight loss success. Managed to remain in a constant dedicated state of awareness of what goes into my body. Set a goal for my realistic and attainable body weight. At the same time knowing that not including exercise might cause me to come to a stalemate until I do.
* I am setting other attainable goals for my future, personal, and career minded. My personal ones include family and my Wife. Working towards reaching those goals by starting with verbal communication of what those goals are. Will later look to written plans of action.
* My past is only my past, it does not define me. Start celebrating my birthdays with Joy instead of looking to dismiss them and not acknowledge them. Really understand why I did not attend my graduation or prom as well as other times in my life that should have been positive moments. Work towards letting go of those moments and finding peace with them. Building myself up to accept and celebrate the moments of the future.
* Gather myself to truly think about what brings joy in life that I can apply towards my career. Expand my education and knowledge to further my value in the work place.

3.) Grow and strengthen my marriage and relationship to my Wife.

* Continue being honest with my Wife in the moment. If not possible recognize my emotions and communicate a time where I feel like I can be better prepared to further the discussion.
* Answer my Wife's questions as soon as possible always being truthful/honest.
* Find time to date my Wife. Being the one to take charge of the planning and scheduling.
* Learn more about my wife. Ask questions, listen while keeping my focus on her.
* Respect my Wife and the decisions she makes. Instead of argue a losing battle, communicate my feelings instead of insisting.
* Be the other half of the marriage. Keep cleaning when time allows. Help cook or prep meals. Parent my children. Communicate finances instead of being secret while remaining at ease and not stressed or fearful about them. Relinquish control over finances but don't place responsibility on my Wife.
* Communicate my admiration and love towards my Wife and praise her.
* Continue my marital fidelity.
* Keep my promises by showing repetition and commitment. No excuses.
* Give her space when she needs it. Let her be her own person.
* Connect in a mutually enjoyable activity such as kickboxing cardio. Maybe even board games.
* Express interest in her daily events by asking how her day went and following up that questions with further questions about the events.
* Remain faithful and ambitious in my recovery.
* Respect her boundaries and do so by finding out what those are.
* Work towards financial ability to travel with her. Make the goal, plan for it and make it happen.
* Give her the respect she deserves by coming to terms with my fears about giving her a full disclosure.

4.) Strengthen and grow individual bonds with each of my children and become a healthy mentor/role model

* Express love in each of their own love languages.
* Show interest in their hobbies and interests and ask questions.
* Join them in their day by taking part of an activity or spending time with each individually.
* Spend time with my children as a group.
* Step in when there are arguments and fights and resolve the issue at hand.

5.) Be true to myself, fighting for my recovery and healthy life. Stay the course

* Keep motivated to recover.
* Learn as much as possible about what I have been through to gain knowledge to fight the habits and rituals.
* Stay honest and true always no matter what.
* Don't be afraid of the "what if's" those are what keep me down.
* Be bold and courageous. Denounce the hold the darkness has had on me and announce the willingness to be whole and spiritual.
* Be there for others going through similar situations. It helps to talk share and listen.
* Continue my open dialogue and communication with my Wife.
* I am a child of God. He loves and accepts me. No more shame and guilt.
* When tired and in the event of where I may feel defeated. Rest up and renew faith and continue on. Pick up my head and smile. This is possible.
* My recovery also requires health. More water. More healthy food. More exercise. Less sugar and sweets. Conscious decisions allowing treats to be treats on a rare occasion versus being the natural choice.
* Use all my resources and adapt them all to work for me together. Not picking and choosing what I feel needs to be done but doing all that needs to be done in the way that provides the best method of recovery for my needs (not mistaking this as desire or an escape to not clean up my act)
* Continue to look into my past and be honest with my Wife and Therapist releasing it's hold on me allowing me to remain free.
* Find meaning behind why this has become what it is. Find what in my past caused this. Face it and feel it fully emotionally than deal with it and defeat it.
* LOVE myself! Accept myself. Encourage myself. Celebrate me.
* Discover what drives me. Use that potential to further my education and increase my value in my career path. This will bring financial stability and a good healthy vision of self worth.
* My self worth isn't based off of income or materialistic items. It's based off of my success in conquering the walls I've built up around me that have kept me down.

(As mentioned in the Lesson this is a lengthy lesson. My hour has come to an end. I will return to this a little later today to continue it)

Last edited by FreedomRequired on Thu Mar 05, 2020 1:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 1:10 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Lesson one

I previously read through Lesson One but obviously missed the part about posting about in in my thread... so here I am and here it is.

My addictive lifestyle became prevalent about 13 years ago. However I remember things throughout my childhood that brings it to my attention that perhaps maybe I've had some issues from then in my life. Masturbation after finding my Father's nudie mags. Collecting in mass amounts clippings out of the local newspaper to view the "sunshine" girls everyday. Going to drastic measures to protect them from damage in my work environment. Not feeling like I was born attractive so finding anyone who would show me attention including other men/boys.

The shame and guilt behind these things has now been seen in a greater light. I was willing to "shove them under the rug" in my past attempts at recovery. I am no longer willing to do this during this attempt. I am dedicated to my prayers, reading/learning and understanding my behaviour and addictions, going to my SA group meetings and sharing my thoughts openly without worry discussing my feelings to gain insight and encouragement, meeting with my therapist..... these steps are crucial for me, however the new steps I am dedicated to this time are as follows:

Speaking to my wife openly both about how I'm feeling but also opening discussions when I know she is going through a rough day. Allowing myself to feel the pain she is going through and what I've caused. No longer being passive/aggressive or sulking and going quiet when the conversation hurts. Trying to understand her feelings. I've let go of a lot of resentment towards those I've felt offended me. I'm freely sharing everything with my therapist. I am actively seeking ways to understand my feelings and emotions but also feeling the fear and angst of my recovery and instead of letting it defeat me, I'm working towards understanding why it's making me feel this way.

I'm continuously going back to each lesson and rereading it and responding and updating my previous entries. Lesson 10 is a scary one for me. When I met with my therapist I made sure I had verbal diarrhea spewing everything in my past that I could remember, out. It definitely felt amazing that day and the next day. The fear I'm feeling is being brutally honest and open (not detailed) with my Wife. The fear of what it might do to her and our marriage. I understand and want to do this honest disclosure to remove the reigns of terror on my emotional, mental and physical life. My active plan of recovery in Lesson 7 is to continue building my strength, courage and honesty about my life with my therapist to gain insight so I can learn how to allow myself to do this in the most tactful safe manner possible. I have never been so scared of my recovery in my life. I doubt this step often but my sincere feeling of wanting to be healthy and free out weighs these fears.

I'm recognizing situations and behaviours that are triggers and I have been removing myself from those incidences. I want to begin fresh. New. Whole. Healthy. Loved!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 2:44 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Lesson 10 - My first step in learning how to be honest and vulnerable in the safest manner possible while having no reservations in confronting my past deceitful life

I.) Current deceptions - None. I have removed all ways to access my past habits and patterns. Today I remembered I had a usb flash drive with photos saved. I found that USB and without opening it and allowing myself to view anything I formatted it without hesitation. No way to recover or restore. No last "memories" just gone. My phone is one way I relapsed, visiting craigslist, kijiji, facebook, etc. All apps including any video games that I used as an escape of reality have been removed. My phone is essential to work and the way I am moving forward with this is to put a monitoring system on it and having it connected to my Wife. I also previously would seek out affirmation by giving women compliments at random out in public places seeking to have them returned. I no longer do this. I am also actively making the choice to not "gawk or rubber neck" at women on the street or in cars or in stores. They are not objects of affection. They are people. Someone's daughter, wife, sister. Everyone deserves respect. I am respecting my Wife's contract she wrote out for me, making sure I do not masturbate. I'm unsure how to share this and word it correctly... I used to take advantage of the connection I had with animals allowing them to get their sexual needs met from me. My feeling of never being good enough allowed for this to happen. This feeling brought so much shame and guilt. I have cast it out.

The needs for me doing this was to find satisfaction of pleasing others. Feeling accepted and being loved. The risks of coming clean include the feeling and knowledge of me realizing I am accepted and loved.

II.) I am in a relationship, friendship, and marriage with my Wife.

I choose to be honest and vulnerable with her because I choose to allow us both the possibility of recovery and health in this journey. I am fearful that she will possibly leave me but I have to respect her need to live a healthy life. Once I gain the knowledge on how to be open with her safely (when she is in a good state of mind as well) I WILL BE honest open and vulnerable giving her everything she needs.

III.) I am working with a counselor and from day one went in being upfront and honest with everything I remembered of my past. I will continue to do so and include anything new that I may have blacked out in my memory. I want a healthy life.

IV.) In a haste to start fresh I deleted all my apps off my phone forgetting to delete those accounts. This was not intended to be used as a way to have a backup plan but while reading this I realize I could one day return. I do not intend on ever returning to them. My way of making sure this happens is by continuing a safety monitor system on my devices is my Wife sees if I ever breach our agreement to recovery. My greatest issue is my unhealthy desire to feel accepted, acknowledged and desired by those I don't know. I am going to be digging deep on these thoughts and feelings with my counselor.

V.) People or objects I've used in my compulsion:

1.) Strangers in public places - complimenting and hoping for a return of interest to make me feel better or taking pictures of them when they are unaware to fantasize about later.
2.) Men on Craigslist - sexual encounters as I justified it not being cheating since they were men and not women also has means of justifying that I am unworthy and unlovable. (False thoughts and feelings)
3.) Social Media - Women anywhere - Complimenting them and establishing a means of having them make me feel better about myself. Building my own self esteem up and ego but even when it developed into them wanting to meet I would never do so and have never done so.

VI.) Places where I was able to act out

1.) My cell phone - social media internet searches online selling/advertises sites like craigslist or kijiji.
2.) Public places - Anyone I felt brave enough to confront and talk to.
3.) I wanted to include that my cellphone gave me access anytime and from anywhere. There was no particular area just showed it's disgusting face when I felt isolated, alone, depressed or sad, stressed etc.

Last edited by FreedomRequired on Thu Mar 05, 2020 2:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 2:48 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
My heart is racing that this is now out for all to see but it's also invigorating and freeing. As mentioned I need to challenge my fears to over come this illness with courage and good faith.

It's freeing in a manner of knowing I am searching to do this the right way this time around and that by doing so I have and will continue to increase my chances of freedom and recovery.

PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 11:34 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Lesson 11

This lesson was not one where we had to report anything. However, I prefer to make sure I put my thoughts to paper or in this sense, my thoughts to posts.

My compulsive behaviours include such things as:

1.) Seeking out acknowledgement in public places from strangers.
2.) Collecting pictures/videos of people (always of legal age, no judgements made or passed on anyone. I just want to clarify my role in this personally) online in places like craigslist or chat rooms whether they gave permission or not.
3.) Finding gratification for myself by pleasing others.
4.) Searching for inclusion from others and finding achievement when I succeeded (online mostly)
5.) Being liked by everyone and feeling offended when I wasn't.
6.) Visual arousal by looking at women in cars as i drove by or while they walked on streets or in public places, never appreciating them as humans but instead as objects.
7.) Inner thoughts in my head that I would use to convince myself that if they happened it was because I deserved them to happen to me.
8.) Allowing myself to find chat groups where the other members are also obviously going through this addiction in some shape way or form.
9.) An epiphany of sorts happened last night.... when I was 21 I began to deal with the terminal diagnosis of my Mother by allowing myself to fall deep into a video game addiction. I would play for hours putting everything else on hold. It allowed me not to feel, i instead focused on the game. It truly took over my life. After my Mom passed i became depressed. I would wake up from 11am to 1pm and play straight through all the way up until 9am. Barely taking enough time to go to the bathroom. My eating habits fell short of anything considered healthy and it got to a point where I gave up on everything. My Dad had to get the maintenance person from my apartment block to let him in because I wouldn't answer the door or the phone. My dirty dishes piled up over 12 inches high on every surface in my place. I also eventually gave up on working which then caused me to go into a high debt situation that I eventually had to claim bankruptcy. When I met my now Wife she would get very angry that I would put so much of my time and effort into the games. I eventually stopped playing them ritually and now play on a very rare occasion..... BUT I recognize now that when I did that I switched to a sex addiction. I understand there are many things that contributed to this but I never once recognized this until now. So I will also include video games as a part of my compulsive behaviour. Since it was what transitioned me from online video games communicating and growing online relationships to eventually be chat rooms.

There may be more, and as this recovery workbook says... I will repost here when I find myself involved in any of these behaviours so that they are on the fore front where I will then be able to acknowledge them and work towards overcoming them.

Last edited by FreedomRequired on Sun Mar 08, 2020 9:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 2:30 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Lesson 12

My unhealthy recovery patterns that I belong to are described in Group 1 and Group 4.

In the beginning of my initial discovery 13 years ago I was driven to change. I hadn't been aware that I was a sex addict until this time. I was ashamed and had great levels of guilt. My attempt at recovery was to appease my Wife. I wanted to do it for her. I began by going full force but as soon as I internally saw she was okay with what I was doing I slacked off because the ambition slowed.

I also went into not taking anything out of it. I never took the time to understand it in itself. I just did the routine that said it would make you healthy. Like I was going to get a stamp of approval once I was finished.

I feel like I may not have been as aware of how big or dangerous the results were and could have been with my continuance of my addiction. I never came to the determination that understanding why I was doing what I was doing would help me to get better. Doing the work and comprehending why these tools were of great importance. I always thought that I could just turn it off. Why couldn't I? I did it with my video game addiction.

I will be very aware that I must understand why I am doing the steps I'm doing. Growing close to God. Restarting my life and letting go of the past and being happy with myself and my life, loving my Wife wholeheartedly and honestly, becoming a great Dad, empowering myself with knowledge in all aspects of my life and furthering my career, beginning to enjoy life before I let more of it slip away.

I will make my commitment to changing and recognizing behaviours and patterns. I will commit to replacing negatives with positives including my emotional decisions.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2020 2:20 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 78
Location: Canada
Lesson 13

I.) Recognizing MY healthy recovery patterns.

* I have realized that recovery in full is seeing progress and not perfection. My succession is about what I'm doing and not what I've done.
* I truly desire a life I can be proud of and not the one I can occassionally pretend to be proud of in my delusional past.
* I am making decisions intentionally that better my chances to recover solely based off of realizing they are the correct decisions to make. Still a work in progress but keeping this on the forefront.
* I previously gave my will over to God thinking he would guide me through it all. I now know that I need to be accountable in my decisions and use God as a grounds to measure my decisions.
* I am hopeful that I have learned from looking back at my previous mistakes and have learned now that truth, honesty, vulnerable and being on the spot sincere is my best and only choice to receive the results I desire and require to be healthy.
* I understand others feel the same feelings I experience, and that we are not defective. We just require a different manner of interpretation and understanding before we make our decisions.
* i am continuing to remove things in my life that may risk or endanger my recovery and healthy life.
* Experiencing moments of emotional remorse. Instead of feeling shame and guilt I find encouragement in moving forward finding ways to resolve and make amends to those people.

II.) Negative patterns I recognize in my healthy recovery that I will focus my attention to change are:

* I've had some negative thoughts and emotions early in my recovery, In all attempts. I have recognized those thoughts this time around and took the time to really think them through fully.
* In my recovery I may have been viewed as needy but I am uncertain. I sense I may have some co-dependancies pertaining to my Wife and marriage. I am taking time to recognize this and work through this. Acknowledging that I need to be happy with me myself and I.
* I still view some triggering experiences as threats and not learning experiences. I believe this is due to me still working through my recovery to deal with them in the best manner for my recovery. They still cause me to be emotional and brings me back to the deep feelings of my past for a few moments.
* I still look occasionally at my life as a chapter book but am in the process of looking at progress and not perfection. I am strengthening myself and arming myself against this battle that will one day become easier.
* I over analyze the thoughts of others about me. Thinking they're judging me. This has been a huge issue in my life that is superficially engrained in my mind. I am working towards understanding these thoughts and getting through them to my healthy life.

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