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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2020 10:05 am 
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Lesson14 : Health Monitoring I

My daily monitoring list
1-Was I Connected to my own feelings today(did I ask myself multiples times a day :how do I feel and why do I feel this way; and give myself time to think, and have I wrote on my journal?)
2-Did I practice my salat in time as possible as I can?
3-Did I take physically care of myself (eat on time, clean myself, brush my hair)?
4-Did I study today?
5-Have I read some part of the book that I am reading with patience?
6-Did I have a sense of self respect throughout the whole day and stood up formyself?
7-Was I being patient and unproblematic when dealing with my classmates today? If not, why? Do you think it's the right thing?
8-Did I respect everyone who respect me?
9-Did I listen to what people want to tell me?
10-Did I stay calm when I didn’t feel like talking?
11-Did I engage in recovery workshop lesson ? if not why?


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2020 8:17 pm 
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Lesson15: Perceiving Your Addiction

Reviewing what I have learned over the past two weeks
:
what I have learned so far
Recovery nation is a great place, I feel like I would need it in my life even if I am not an addict
Because here I have learned to be mature, to know myself and what is important to me, and actually acting with my values
Values are so important and I really was lost without defining them,
I learned that honesty is key
And that I am not very alone and unique, my problems have names and are issues that human can go through, so I am not so weird;

one example of how I have actively integrated that information into my day-to-day life.
be honest with myself is a key, so every day I do my best to be honest with myself, clear with my emotions and thought, be aware of the triggers and let them pass without relapsing. Because only when you're honest and aware of yourself things are going to be alright; hard but manageable


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2020 8:48 am 
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Lesson16: Understanding Addiction I

The POSITIVE role that addiction has played in my life: the purposes has it served ( short-term, not long)
-Numb the physical and emotional pain in my menstruation
-Cool me down when I have anxiety
-Managing unfamiliar feelings with feelings that I am used to: Forget about real problems that I am facing by worrying instead about the negative emotion that came after using the compulsive behavior
-When I experience low self esteem and self hate, it makes me forget about whom I am and how I look like
-The addiction gave me an escape to not think about the awkwardness in social gatherings
-The rush of dopamine, the excitement, the climax and all the sexual feeling that occurs during the behavior (for couple of minutes or seconds)


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2020 9:46 am 
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Hi Mimi,

You seem to be doing well working through the lessons steadily. Just one observation occurred to me when I was reading through your thread in relation to Lesson 14. The objective of the Daily Monitoring List is to give you a greater awareness of the things that you are not doing that you wish you were (e.g. Did I study today? Was I patient? etc) but also the things that you are doing that you wish you were not. You have a number of things that cover the first category but not so much on the second. So for example, you might think about having something like:

"- Was i tempted to view P today and, if so, did I manage to avoid doing that?"

A review of your actual performance at the end of the day against your list will give you a good feel of whether you are focussing on the things you should and avoiding the things that you should not. How you manage to do the latter is something you will learn more about as you work through the workshop but for now it is good to be "aware" of what you are doing. Perhaps have another look at your list and see if you can add one or more items to cover these other areas and then use that as your daily checklist?

Keep up the good work.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2020 6:42 pm 
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Hello learningtorun,
I hope you're doing fine
Thank you so much for your comment; it means a lot to me and I appreciate your support and help
For the Monitoring List, I believe you are right. I will try to work it out again to include what I wish I don't do

I didn’t include something like:
Quote:
"- Was I tempted to view P today and, if so, did I manage to avoid doing that?"

Because I thought that I don't even have to add it, as it something critical and maybe the most important element in our recovery.
But when days go and triggers gets harder, I believe it would be needed, so I will considerate add it in the next few days(if I need it)

Thank you so much for your advices
Take care of yourself,


Last edited by Mimi88 on Tue Sep 08, 2020 6:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2020 6:43 pm 
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Lesson17 : Understanding Addiction II

The complusive behavior is: whatching porn while masturbating
The compulsive ritual that I have engaged in are:


1-Sensory Stimulation:
Touch: use of hand to masturbate
Sight: I start with sexy but soft youtube video or by reading sexual stories, and then I go to porn sites
Sound: hearing well the sounds coming from the pornographic videos
2-Fantasy: I usually fantasize about me being molested or used by a man in an aggressive way
3-Accomplishment: when finding the right video that excites me
5-Past: being raises in a strictly religious environment, the shame during the behavior was very strong. I believe that my past play a role in me watching a certain type of video; where the male is dominant (old man molesting younger girl, girl getting used in public places, or a doctor trying to turn on the patient); and in all of these videos the women eventually enjoy what is being done to her but she would still resist the male. I am not sure if that have anything to do with my past, but I imagine myself one of these women, getting sexual pleasure without having a big sense of guilt
6-Orgasm: I usually don't stop until reaching it and in most case reaching it multiple times

Note: This is by far the most triggering lesson here. I hope the next lessons aren’t like this


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2020 1:08 am 
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Hi Mimi,

Quote:
Note: This is by far the most triggering lesson here. I hope the next lessons aren’t like this

Your comment and concern is understandable. In order to put this into context though, there is a common perception amongst sex addicts that their addiction is a genetic condition and that they have no control over their actions. This is complete rubbish and the workshop aims to make that clear by explaining what causes those feelings and how to overcome them. In order to do that each person needs to understand their own triggers and they vary wildly from person to person and then the ritual that each person goes through needs to be broken understand to help you understand that it is something that has been learned over time and not something that you were born with. Unfortunately it requires you to go through exercises which analyse your own personal rituals to be able to do that. I appreciate this can be difficult and triggering at times but you should have in your mind that by going through this process you will have the key to ridding yourself of this addiction. Please feel free to post any similar concerns to your thread as you go through the lessons and coaches/mentors will be on hand to stop by and offer guidance and support. You're off to a good start, keep it going!

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 12, 2020 7:11 pm 
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hello learningtorun,

I hope you're fine.
These lessons about understanding your addiction are very difficult, because while doing the exercises I must think about my compulsive behavior for a long time to remember the details and to be able to do the exercises which makes it very triggering
Unfortunately I relapsed today
But I won't let this stop me from healing
I definitely need to be stronger to be able to finish the recovery workshop
And you are right, understanding my own rituals is critical and so important in the recovery

Thanks a lot for encouraging me, that’s so nice from you
Wish you all the best!


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 12, 2020 7:12 pm 
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Lesson18 : Understanding Addiction III

Considering one of my own compulsive rituals: circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) has come into play

The compulsive ritual is: Sensory Stimulation; use of hands to masturbate and sight and sound coming from internet pornography

Mimi a single women, whenever life start getting hard and challenging she watch pornography while masturbating;
she start out by watching sexy but soft material like sexy pictures, read stimulating story, short clip of hantai or youtube video -in this process she is convincing herself that this is the last picture this is the last clip this is the last phrase I am reading I am not relapsing- she keep watching anything slightly arousing after a while she go to P sites to watch tens of clips until finding the right clip; the clip that get her in the mood and make her fantasize that she is the actress; then she orgasm and stay in bed regretting and hating herself and feel ashamed of the fact that she have seen all of these naked people which is something against her values and religion.
Then she either gets out of bed to take a shower and give strength to herself and promise herself this is the last time
Or she start searching for a new videos until finding the right one; and again it goes on cycle

Time: This behavior can take from half hour to a full day (from wakening to sleep)
The intensity: shows in the process of the ritual meaning starting by soft stimulation than finishing with aggressive explicit videos
The habituation: with days passing the videos used in the ritual become more aggressive, bizarre, and perverted and the time spent on the compulsive behavior also increase in order to get the same level of sexual pleasure


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2020 5:50 am 
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Lesson20 : Mastering Your Addiction

the roles that addiction has played/can still play in my life:
(the first approach)

It all started when I was turning from young adulthood to adulthood. I was so lonely and depressed in a totally new place where everything is different than my hometown, university meanwhile was so difficult
And I was doing so badly at it (While in high school I was one of the top students there). I didn’t have any friends. I didn’t get along with anyone. Felt like an alien there. And I used to spend all weekends locked in my room.
Before going to university, when I was in my parent house, I used to have an addiction on TV. It was how I manage the bad feelings (by ignoring them).
Back to university period, it started by reading stories (chronics). It made me very excited I remember. And maybe it was the first time clearly knowing what sexual feelings are.
Engaging in any sort of sexual stimulation was a great way to numb the pain. I was very present and my body was experiencing new sensations, great way to forget about everything
But I was very religious person back then, so I was very ashamed. What happened next is as explained in the lesson 18(you need more stimulation to feel the same pleasure because of shame). The addiction kept developing from reading sexual stories to talking to strangers in internet to sexual photos to youtube videos to manga to hantai to porn sites.
At some point there were videos about masturbation, so I included it to the rituals. At that point I started experiencing orgasm
I remember how shocking it was for me, how one second you’re on the top of the world feeling amazing and the next seconds you feel like you’re in the lowest darkest point ever with all the shame and regret and self hate
So I used to think about the first second all day and I would run from university to my room just to experience it.
But this addiction made life harder for me
I felt ugly nasty ….felt like raping myself over and over, a lot of time especially when my body wasn’t responding, I would force myself to the compulsive behavior
My grades kept dropping
Whenever I finish the rituals I would promise myself that this is the last time.
This addiction is so harmful and I didn’t have any other ways to feel better other then it.
Even my health was bad, I started losing hair and weight, I was in such a dark place back than
I think what also made things worse is how obsessed I was about good grades and how bad I was failing at getting them. And how much I believed in god but did these sins. I was putting myself under so much pressure. And set from myself impossible goals. But these last months I learned that it is totally ok to fail what is important is trying hard.
But what triggers my addiction these days are surprises. For example when there is a change of plane in last minutes or someone is visiting without telling me before or calling.
I just love to prepare myself
So this lack of quick adaptability is one of the biggest trigger these days
And the really strong negative feeling that I feel when the time of my period is close
Well, we’re still struggling
But we won’t give up!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2020 3:17 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 459
Hi Mimi,

I appreciate the honesty of your posts whilst understanding that you are finding the self-reflection difficult. I wanted to just say that it is very easy to be hard on ourselves and to be angry at how we have got ourselves into this mess. The thing to bear in mind is that you are certainly not alone in this, we all feel the same way and that can provide some comfort to us as we work through the workshop. Also, remember that you are doing something very important, you are now taking steps to change towards a healthy life and this is just the process to help you do that. I don't know if you do this already but it is fine to read others' threads (although you should not post to them) and this is encouraged in order to help you have this sense of not being alone in your frustrations and also seeing that those who have progressed through the workshop have seen themselves change which will offer hope and encouragement that you will see a full and permanent recovery if you maintain your commitment to it.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2020 11:49 am 
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thanks a lot learningtorun, yes seeing people who were in the same position as me and succeed in being better is very encouraging and the fact that addiction and compulsive behavior are issues that humans can go through and I am not so different or bad is is something that helps a lot in self acceptance. Thank you for the help!



Lesson21: Recovery Goals

A. Large goals that I have attempted in my life and failed, why did I fail?
I have studied two years in my dream engineering school, after these two years of preparatory I failed in the exams that allowed me to get back to my dream engineering school. Now I am in kind of shitty school. The reasons of my failure are: my compulsive behavior, I was immature emotionally, I let the pressure take over me and I just wasn't a healthy person in general.

B. Large goals that I have attempted in my life and succeeded? Why was I able to succeed?
The final exams of high school, those decide your major, I was among the top student and I was able to choose any major I want. I made my parents very proud of me. And I felt amazing
Why I succeed is because I was: focused, humble and I was taking it easy on myself ,I didn't put a lot of pressure or except unrealistic things.

C. One recovery goal that I have and breaking it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary
I want to complete the recovery nation workshop:
-I want to learn from each and every lesson
-I want to allowed it to change me
-I want to be honest in my recovery
-I want to stay engaged in the workshop all days until finishing
-I want to have completed the recovery workshop by March 1st


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:12 pm 
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Lesson22 : Measuring Compulsive Behavior

Ritual Measured:
watching pornography
Primary Elements Involved:
Sensory Stimulation (Sight and sound of clips); fantasy; Moral conflict; orgasm
Values assigned:
Sensory Stimulation 3
fantasy 2
Moral conflict 1
orgasm 2
Filters applied:
Sensory Stimulation:
time:4
Intensity:7
Habituation:9
(4*3+7*3+9*3)/4=15
fantasy
time:3
Intensity:8
Habituation:6
(3*2+8*2+6*2)/4=8.5
Moral conflict
time:1
Intensity:5
Habituation:3
(1*1+5*1+3*1)/4=2.25
orgasm
time:2
Intensity:5
Habituation:1
(2*2+5*2+1*2)/4=4

So the overall stimulation rating=29.75


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2020 5:42 am 
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Lesson23: Practical Uses for Measuring

practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in my recovery:

Well as I already said, measuring compulsive behavior is one of the hardest things ever, since it makes you go back to those moments again; which may weakened you. But I have learned because of these lessons not to be afraid of my compulsive behavior and face it as it is, it's like coming out, no secrets, no shame, this is how I have dealt with my emotions, this the patterns, and those are the rituals.
I mean how can you recover from a sickness if you don't know exactly what is going on with you.
Before learning to measure compulsive behavior, the behavior was just like a dark place, stuff that you never discuss with yourself, or with anyone, it's like Voldamort in harry potter, no one should say his name. Because it is very shameful and I do my best to disassociate myself from me in the behavior
But now it feels like growing old and understanding more about me.
It has allowed me to go back to when I relapse and have the courage to fully remember and understand how and why it happened and to learn from my mistakes next time.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2020 1:19 pm 
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Lesson24 Identifying My Compulsive Elements

I. listing the cumulative elements involved in my compulsive behavior:

Fantasy
Orgasm
Sensory
Accomplishment
Past


Watching porn:
Element1: one stressing situation happen like if: Someone humiliate me or make me feel unworthy, or get socially awkward or get bullied or don’t feel comfortable with certain people
Element2: feeling of anger and humiliation take over me
Element3: try to disassociate myself and forget about everything happened
Element4: convince myself that that watching sexual content is the only way I can feel better
Element5: try to remember what I have learned and that all I am going to get from this behavior is pain and that I have to face my emotion
Element6: bad emotion like frustration and anger get more intense
Element7: because it get painful and destroying feelings, I tell myself the sadness from relapse is better then what I am living now
Element8: feel sexual urge even more
Element9: start searching in YouTube for stimulating content
Elemnt10: starting feeling release
Element11: keep telling myself while clicking on new videos that this will be the last one
Element12: realize that orgasm is the only thing that will stop this behavior
Element13: go to one specific porn site and choose the video that I think is the right one
Element14: if I didn't like what is happening I go search for another one
Element15: when finding the right one here it relate to past and sensory (sight and sound)
Element16: feeling of fantasy with accomplishment since I found the right one
Element17: sensory stimulation (touch) I start masturbating with the video
Element18: Than finally orgasm
The process doesn't take long because I feel like I need to do it fast and rest
Element19: feeling of: shame, anger, failure and lost respect for myself
Element20: remember the reason I first started the behavior feeling anger and shame gets more intense
Element21: than do the same behavior again


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