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PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2020 10:37 am 
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Lesson25: Identifying Compulsive Rituals

I. Developing my own compulsive ritual.

Compulsive Ritual: Watching porn
#1 find myself in a bad emotional state (The Beginning of the Ritual)
#2 tries to deal with it rationally and with maturity
#3 my feelings get worse and here came an urge to act in
#4 tell myself two things: the first one is only porn can take away this sadness and anger and humiliation, the second is the pain of relapse is something you're used to, it will be better than this pain, and I start searching in YouTube for stimulating content(The Point of No Return)
#5 goes to porn site and start to fantasize
#6 orgasme
#7 feelings of regret and shame while cleaning the history (The End of the Ritual)


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 12:19 pm 
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Lesson26: Mapping Compulsive Rituals


Last time watching porn: earlier today

Element #1 I have been pressing myself to study since the exams are so close,
Element #2 but didn't have the power to get out of bed
Element #3 felt stressed and uncomfortable,
Element #4 kept remembering what I learned in the previous lesson that compulsive behavior gives you uncomfortable emotions so you’d feel like you have to act in.
Element #5 I didn’t have the power to study and I have been this way for the last week.
Element #6 my friends keep studying and asking each other in our group chat and here I am unable to study.
Element #7 Feeling of anger and powerlessness and loneliness in my room
Element #8 Kept watching normal YouTube video made me more depressed
Element #9 I was craving for the dopamine rush,
Element #10 but kept telling myself that only the first 10 days of abstinence are hard (since the last time I relapsed is October 5th)
Element #11 normally I could pass the urge by watching movies or falling asleep since this time I was determent to stay clean.
Element #12 But because of the gilt I was feeling for not studying and again I was so determent to not search for anything sexual on internet
Element #13 I have worn sexy clothes and started filming myself video trying to act all sexy and shit while looking like a potato bag (lol)
Element #14 when watching my video I got excited then searched in YouTube for interviews of porn stars to see how they act in those sexy interviews than there were a video of them talking about the hardest scene that they had to film; I was feeling excitement and started feeling lust
Element #15 then I watched a video of a Japanese pornstar telling her life story.
Element #16I generally watches Japanese sex video so I was so into watching it
Element #17 Then I went to the usual P site search for erotic massage
Element #18 Chose a video and started imagining that that person is massaging me and touching me improperly at first without me knowing his intention then me getting so excited
Element #19 then I start masturbating and stopping myself from time to time so I won’t relapse or orgasm because I still had hope to stop the compulsive behavior
Element #20 than at one scene I get super excited then I orgasm
Element #21I started telling myself:' While in the beginning of the video I kept telling myself that you'll regret it, only the first days of abstinence you’re going to feel this horniness and pain. Despite knowing all of this, I kept watching till I orgasm'
Element #22 Felt regret, brain fog and shame
Element #23But also numbed the pain and the stress that I was in kind of disappeared. Now I am dealing with different kind of negative emotions. The kind of emotions that I am used too. Even though I am more depressed than before and I have lost all of my self respect
Element #24 my thoughts now are: it's against my value and vision I knew it from the start I know that I am so much better when I pass the urge and stay free from porn but I still relapse I don't know why


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2020 4:31 pm 
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Lesson27 : Identifying Compulsive Chains

The first chain (where multiple rituals are engaged in simultaneously) :
Long session of: Watching pornography and masturbating simultaneously to deal with emotional imbalance

The second (where I have strung together several rituals back-to-back and thus, extended the stimulation) :
-Something extremely negative or extremely positive happen causing emotional imbalance so I get overwhelmed with by emotions
-Try to mute feelings by distracting myself: try to imagine something else, watch a movie, or scroll through social medial causing me to get more overwhelmed
-Use porn (with masturbation) to relax
-Feeling of shame, depression, regrets and loses myself respect
-Engage in porn and masturbation again


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2020 5:40 pm 
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Lesson28: Developing Compulsive Chains

1. Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior: it's the behavior mentioned on the response of lesson26
-experiencing emotional stress
-worn sexy clothes and started filming myself
-start watching interviews of porn stars in YouTube where they were talking about their job
-go to P site
-watch P while masturbating
-orgasm


2. Upon completion of this chain, review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state.
filming myself trying to act sexy: did put me in the mood of the compulsive behavior, also gave me major anxiety since I started comparing myself with the women who participate in P videos. So I started disassociating from myself and just wanted something stronger to get lust (here I started thinking about watching pornography and fantasizing that I am playing a role there where mans find me attractive).

Watching interviews of porn stars: They talk about their job in a good way even though it's very obvious how much miserable they are. I kinda felt pity for them. And I was ashamed of myself;” how do I let myself watch people private parts while doing such a private act “. I felt sorry for them and angry at myself. So I also was trying to disassociate from myself I needed a more intense stimulation to mute the shame

go to P site: watching porn where women is used by an old man is what I usually watch ; It doesn't feel so wrong since most of the time the women is trying to stop him but he keep touching her I mean in reality it's like sexual abuse I know but also she's just an actress in a scene .And I am fantasizing that I am in her position. I definitely get complicated feelings; it makes me go dizzy and happy; it's like you're not on earth anymore; and I keep watching

masturbation: when the scene is too good I start to masturbate; I try to stop myself so I don't orgasm

Orgasm: when the scene seems too perfect and in my fantasy I feel amazing and I let myself orgasm.


3. Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic and related to the chain itself.

-worn sexy clothes and started filming myself: I could start written chat with a complete stranger, the dirty talking may have increase the stimulation

-start watching interviews of porn stars in YouTube video where they talk about their job: maybe I could spend more time here so I could be more shameful which make the urge for acting in more intense; well I am trying to act like the extreme addict me when I hit the bottom point

-go to P site: in reality I watched the second video I saw, and I didn't even finish it ; so maybe I could’ve start with more soft content ; like pictures or stimulating stories .

-watch P while masturbating: I could extend the time and the overall stimulation from the event by not masturbating as intensely as I did


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2020 10:34 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hello Mimi
Quote:
but I still relapse I don't know why


you do know why
it is because you choose to
but why do you choose to?
because the rush provided in the brain by the dopamine influx gives you a high
but what does it take from you in return?
your life

take your life back choose not to follow the self destructive path
you can do this

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2020 6:16 am 
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Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2020 3:39 pm
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Hello Kenzo,
it's always great and encouraging seeing your responds ; thank you
Yes compulsive behavior takesaway everything from you
I will do my best to remain clean
take care of yourself!


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2020 6:16 am 
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Lesson29: The Role of Emotions

A. Describing the emotions that I experienced and the thoughts that triggered them:


I experienced sadness because there is some problems in house, I feel so bad for my mom. I experienced disappointment because I didn't work well in the exams. I thought about my values and how studying hard is one of them, I remembered the moment when I succeed in my life and how it made me very happy, me and my family. And how amazing it feels to make them proud
But when I failed, I felt sad and regret because I could've done so much better.
one of the thing that taggers so much emotions including anger hate and you just want to disassociate from yourself is being disrespected by strangers and not being able to stand up for myself; so I thought about situations like that and what happened lately and how bad they made me feel
I remembered how amazing and relaxing the first few minutes in the compulsive behavior, how high I get, how effective is pornography to numb all the pain; but only for few minutes than I feel the worst ever, I felt sadness and shame and self hate, also stupidity and social anxiety, you can’t' communicate or look at people in the eyes, and I become suicidal


B. In assessing my own anxiety, describe the extremes of my personal experiences with anxiety:
What trigger my anxiety the most: are social gatherings, being disrespected by people and not being able to defend myself in the moment
and the least is: when I feel stupid or let say not intelligent enough, (it has to do with pride), when I don’t do salat.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 15, 2020 3:59 pm 
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Lesson31: Emotional Balance and Stability

A. a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected my emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor:

Moderate Disrespected by members of my family
Severe Problem with my administrative papers and I am stuck because of quarantine so I can’t solve this issue
Moderate all week, was trying to read books but I can’t focus on that
mild can’t sleep early
Extreme: Feeling of anger out of nowhere leading to big fights with my family.Can’t pass a weak; always get super angry in 6th or 7th day of streak so I start screaming at everyone and then get anxious and keep telling myself what an awful person I am which lead me to depression and self-hate than I find myself relapsing again. After relapse I don’t feel better in any way but not goanna lie I feel so relaxed afterward and I get immediately in good terms with all of my family ( did anyone have gone through this in his recovery, please help me guys with some tips to control anger )


B. Returning to my values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

I think that I saw how relaying on values to get comfort from them is a good thing, great way of living; I love how I be when I relay on them; the problem is stability I still slip off I still ignore the most important value which is honesty with myself and connect to my own feeling in a mature way instead of numbing them and I relapse and start doing things wrong all over again
When I relay on values created earlier in the workshop it feels great but I can’t maintain that
It’s like I don’t believe that I am capable of changing
I am that messy person who can’t take control over her own life
I am starting to lose hope
Of course I will keep trying and I am aiming to finish this workshop
But I doubt the fact that I can actually change and become this stable person that I dreamed about in my vision….I don’t know


C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?

As I said in the question B, I have spent some great periods relaying on my values and I did gain confident and fulfillment but I can’t keep it up that way I mess things up by relapsing


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2020 10:38 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hello Mimi
Quote:
I can’t keep it up that way I mess things up by relapsing


My friend, recovery is a habit a way of life
of course you can keep it up but unfortunately you are choosing not to

if you continue in this vein then addiction will destroy the person that you really aspire to be

so ask yourself WHY?
what does acting out give you?
and at what cost?
is recovery easy?
NO
is it possible?
Yes but you have to really want and then act

you can do this

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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