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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2020 9:23 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:54 pm
Posts: 4
Lesson 1

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
“Briefly” sharing my thoughts here...

1) actively committing yourself to change
I’d rate myself a 3.5/5
Most of the time, I feel like my commitment is there. I have been in 12 step rooms for sex addiction going on 3 years now this month and have seen improvements in my self-awareness and ability to be honest with myself. Again, this process can be passive vs. active. Many times i feel that i don’t consistently practice an active recovery; it can feel like i’m going through the motions instead. In these 3 years, my commitment has been in and out. I’ve struggled with consistency my entire life. TO know i have to maintain a continuing level of growth within myself at times feels like an insurmountable task, but i have hope that it’s not. It’s a daily desire to change and just be a little better. I’m sick of living a life half lived; i think that’s a living death. I’m unfulfilled in virtually every aspect of my life right now. Abstaining from the addiction has left me depressed and joyless. I am committing myself to change because I want to be better. As I continue my journey, I pray that my commitment only increases.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
I’d rate myself a 2/5
Oh, man. This is a HUGE proponent of my distress lately. I’ve recently made amends to the people my addiction directly affected, who happen to be my soon to be ex wife’s direct family members. They’ve written me off, I’ve moved out of the house, and had to deal with my wife moving on emotionally from me. One of them wrote a letter to my entire family and I recently sat down with them and shared my entire sexual addictive history because I felt it was a safe space and that I really wanted to let them in; I truly felt there was no other option. The shame of the things I’ve done in my past, the publicity of a failed marriage to everyone around me, and a life of a broken family for my 3 y/o son are thoughts that continue to haunt me. I haven't relapsed since moving out of the house. Not hearing what my wife thinks of me constantly anymore has helped my mental state; now there’s no one to blame but what’s inside ME. That is what I am still struggling with. Meditation and prayer have helped calm me down and gain perspective, self love, acceptance, etc, but those times are few lately. I feel the joy has been sucked out of me most of the time. I also know it’s an issue I have to address and this question only confirms how important it is to overcome. I do acknowledge, however, that this brief time of separation has allowed me to face myself with less judgement than in the past when i was around my wife and felt like such a disappointment on a daily basis, so there is a sense of hope and encouragement in that! I am set up for a better chance of success with this because of my current situation.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
I’d rate myself a 3/5
I need to be more patient with myself. These past 3 years in recovery I have wanted everything to be fixed; like a lightning bolt, instantaneous. I know it doesn’t work like that and yet I still crave that moment. I tell myself to stop searching for it and instead put attention towards today. Since moving out 2.5 months ago, I’ve struggled to find a routine or “balance” in my life. Being a 50/50 custody, the time’s my son is with me are completely different than when he is not. A routine or plan for those 2 kinds of days would be a useful tool for me to have. I also don’t need to look at them as so separate, but instead find ways to bring them into balance with one another. If he wakes up at 6 am every morning? I can be in bed by 10 and wake up at 4:30/5 am to start my readings and meditation time. There are solutions, I just need to take action. That’s always been a struggle of mine and another proponent of why I constantly badger myself about not being far enough along.



B. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life
1. To find deep peace and self acceptance with myself
2. To find healthy ways of approaching life
3. To be a father that can meet the needs of my son
4. To be present and participate in life on life’s terms
5. To better help, understand, and serve others
6. To experience a true relationship with God based on trust and communication
7. To be able to be honest with others
8. To feel a sense of freedom I’ve never known
9. To be comfortable in my own skin
10. To have a renewed sense of purpose
11. To finally face myself and who I am
12. To live a life that allows me to be happy, joyous and free
13. To contribute to society; offer the best version of myself to the world

C.
I’ve said many times to people that there are moments in my life where I feel like I’m “just a little kid again”. What i mean by that is that i can feel ill-prepared, uncertain, scared and fearful, insecure, or timid in those moments. Looking at this picture of a little boy did not conjure up those feelings. I had grace and patience looking into those eyes of my young self; i knew i didn’t know any better. I couldn’t; i was so little. In the picture I couldn't have been more than 3 or 4. My son is this age… That was quite the mental picture as well. A deep compassion rolled over me. I’ve struggled so much with loving myself for who i am, but when i saw that picture, tears welled up and i just kept thinking over and over, “I Love you, Andrew”. That little boy is me, and i have an overwhelming compassion and deep care for him. Everything that happened to that young man happened to me; I owe it to that little guy to guide him; to bring him back to where he needs to be. It’s been almost a full year since i found Recovery Nation and started an account, but i am just now beginning the journey. When i moved out of the house and into my new apartment, my wife brought this picture over. My son handed it to me, actually. It reminded me of Recovery Nation. I forgot it was part of the first lesson, but it propelled me to jump back into this. I hope i see this picture every day and remember who I’m fighting for: myself. And maybe through seeing it i can finally look on myself with care, love, compassion, grace, etc. Grateful for this exercise.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2020 1:40 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 262
Hi Newlifer

Welcome to recovery nation and the path to a healthy lifestyle.
Take your time over the workshop, but be consistent, we recommend completing about 3 lessons per week and keep engaged by reading and posting.

Quote:
I’m unfulfilled in virtually every aspect of my life right now. Abstaining from the addiction has left me depressed and joyless. I am committing myself to change because I want to be better. As I continue my journey, I pray that my commitment only increases.


Abstinence can easily leave you depressed & joyless, and will not cure you on its own. RN will show you how to fill your life with things away from your compulsive activity and that in turn will keep you on a healthy path!
Good luck on your journey and if you need help just ask, coaches and mentors are always around to help you.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2020 1:13 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:54 pm
Posts: 4
I want to state for the record that I have not neglected or abandoned this recovery work. This vision work for Lesson 2 has been a major focus for me in the last 2 weeks. I've thought about it immensely. I recently went away camping during this extended holiday weekend with another fellow 12-stepper and a few other friends from the rooms joined us throughout our time. I spent a lot of it thinking about this vision and what kind of legacy i want to live out and leave when i am gone. I've written out what i have so far in my notes, but i still think it is more idealistic and less practical than it could be.

I'm going to work through Coachmel's suggestions from this post
(viewtopic.php?f=13&t=18746)
this week and focus on refining this vision. I think what i have so far could stand to be pared down a little bit and simultaneously be given more depth and maybe more specifics to take away from the idealism that's currently bouncing around in it.

I will keep working at it this week and am resolving to submit what I have by the end of the week. I know it doesn't have to be perfect, but i want to spend a little more time on this. I want to be able to print out my vision and look at it throughout the week; to refine it and ditch what won't work and add what needs to be there.

This post is to keep me honest about my plans, update my recovery thread with where I've been the last 2 weeks and set a realistic timeline in order for me to continue working through the workshop.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2020 11:19 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:54 pm
Posts: 4
Lesson 2 - Establishing A Vision
Alright, here is my vision. It will definitely change over time, but i think this is a good starting point for right now.

RELATIONAL
A model for my son
To bring him up and impart self-sustainability
Raise him in an environment for growth
Empower him with what he will need in life
Impart values and proper character traits
Practice what I preach- Live out the life I so desperately want him to build for himself
To love the ones I have relationships with; to leave them better off than when i found them
Treat all living beings with love, dignity and respect, keeping that as a focus each and every day

PERSONAL
Confident and courageous in my own skin; knowing who I am and my limits/capabilities
Growing but never “arriving” in all of these areas:
Consistency
Developing a healthy way of living that works for me
installing, uninstalling and reinstalling daily habits
Daily routines - Morning, evening, diet, exercise, etc.
Positivity
Looking at the good in life and pursuing that instead of “What I don’t have”
Personal development
Self care and continued perseverance in growth amidst struggle, pain and fear
To continue developing a deeper spirituality within myself
Authenticity
Real, open, honest, vulnerable, being my “true self” in all aspects of life
Humbleness
“Right sized”, continuing to be teachable, always willing to learn, never thinking I’ve got it all figured out, open to being wrong and/or surprised
Loving and caring for self and others
Not looking out for myself constantly but striving to benefit society

PROFESSIONAL
Being a solid ”worker” aka hard-working and creating value in the professional and career-oriented part of my life; using my gifts and talents to serve and benefit others; GIVING BACK; helping those less fortunate than me; teaching or imparting what i have inside of me to others that seek and have a desire to grow from it. Asking little or nothing in return simply because “it’s what I’m good at” and what i want to help others achieve. My finance background comes to mind… something that will empower people who don’t know how to best handle their money… to coach them; not like a traditional financial advisor in my mind, but something deeper perhaps?


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2020 7:43 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
Hello NL
Quote:
I want to state for the record that I have not neglected or abandoned this recovery work.
I will keep working at it


remember that the only obligations that you may have on this side of this site is to yourself
you can choose recovery , or not
I know from my own experience that this is not an easy choice but history tells me that it is in fact the only choice
the alternative is not a choice but an inevitability

hope that you choose wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2020 2:14 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:54 pm
Posts: 4
Kenzo wrote:
Hello NL
Quote:
I want to state for the record that I have not neglected or abandoned this recovery work.
I will keep working at it


remember that the only obligations that you may have on this side of this site is to yourself
you can choose recovery , or not
I know from my own experience that this is not an easy choice but history tells me that it is in fact the only choice
the alternative is not a choice but an inevitability

hope that you choose wisely


Thanks for this, Kenzo. It's and easy pattern for me to fall into; blaming and shaming myself...


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2020 10:12 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: UK
NL
Quote:
It's and easy pattern for me to fall into;


recovery is also a pattern a roadmap being within the RN programme

patterns are habits and habits can be both good and bad, please do choose good and put that guilt and shame to one side
FOR NOW
This community does support but the ownership and responsibility lies within ourselves

so look forwards, see the benefits and strive to become the best that can be

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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