Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Tue Mar 09, 2021 3:38 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 47 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon Nov 30, 2020 7:21 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 16

Positive Role of Addiction

Fulfilled desires
Secrecy
Autonomy
Euphoria
Being able to feel intense feelings
No judgement from others
Sexual release
Ideals can be viewed
Fun
Opens the door for creativity
Self-exploration and understanding
Romantic feelings without fear of rejection
No negative aspects of a relationship
Satisfaction
Gratification
No consequences (while single)
No fear of STD or unwanted pregnancy
The imagery itself
No worry of performance


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2020 12:56 pm 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 122
Kelly01 wrote:
Lesson 15
I have come to realize just how much my religious upbringing has played a role in what my values ought to be, but now I'm in a crisis of what my values for my own self actually are. I know that I need to care about my life and have a vision of the future that I am looking to accomplish. This seems to be something that I will eventually care about more than I care about fulfilling my physical needs. I am seeing the correlation between having values and monitoring plans for myself to make sure that I stay focused, and a diminishing of those values that I feed into to continue negative behavior. I think the toughest battle for me that I am seeing within myself is my reasons for wanting to change. Up until now, it has been either because God wants me to, my parents want me to, or my partner wants me to. I am hoping that I can grow these values to a point where I want to focus on them more and, in turn, recover from the addiction. I am glad that this program seems to understand me more, because I have always needed to know why I am doing what I am doing.


Hi Kelly01

I'll add my welcome to the other coaches. Well done on your work so far. Keep engaging as honestly as you can with the workshop and putting what you learn into practice (much harder!) and change will come. It's not always a smooth road but its a hell of a lot better than the alternative way of living.

Well done on the insight above. I can totally identify with having insufficient reasons to change over so many years. You are absolutely right that your primary motivation needs to be for your own sake, otherwise you will not get far at all. It has to come from within - a genuine desire to make the necessary changes to benefit yourself, one day at a time.

Stick in there and keep working the lessons as honestly and thoroughly as you can.

Stay safe.

Tim


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:31 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Thanks Tim, I'm starting to see things a bit more objectively through this process. It's definitely tough and I've had to shift my paradigm, but glad there is a possible way out where I didn't have that notion before.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
(Posting lessons 17-26 in one day, but were done over period of weeks)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 17

Compulsive Masturbation

Sensory Stimulation
Privacy
Satisfying the FOMO
Wonder/Curiosity
Fantasy
Must include fetish
Fulfillment/Satisfaction/Accomplishment
Orgasm
Comfortability
Searching for something new
Searching for something known to satisfy
Ending a certain way


Sometimes using marijuana and/or alcohol to fuel the fire so to speak
Sometimes to get “even” with a partner/past partner


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 18

Time - It was only when I moved in with my girlfriend and started using her content for certain periods of time that I actually realized how much time I need for a masturbation session. Although it doesn’t take long for me to achieve orgasm, I don’t like ending the process early. I like to experience as much as I can. My threshold would likely be 3 hours for one session, although I could do multiple sessions a day if left to myself. I like having 1.5-3 hours to watch the porn of choice while masturbating. However, now that I’m using my girlfriends content, I try to stick to no more than an hour out of sheer embarrassment. On the outside looking in, I’m sure that even seems like pushing the limits.

Intensity - I have a particular fetish that encapsulates the vast majority of my masturbation sessions. When I first started masturbating as a kid, I didn’t indulge my fetish, but over time, I started to include it. It feels so much better when I include my fetish. Also, there are certain parts of my fetish that have grown in me. Meaning that I didn’t care for certain parts of it, but after more exploration, I started including more and more aspects as I needed/wanted more stimulation. It is strange how things I didn’t care for have now become attractive. I personally think I have got a threshold which leads to the habituation.

Habituation - This is tougher for me to think through. I do feel like I got a threshold with this ritual, but it seemed like enough for me. However, I was a kid when I was watching porn massively and I wasn’t working (and when I was, not nearly as much as now). So I would purchase videos when I had the money. That trend kept escalating until I met my current girlfriend. When we had a short break, I dabbled into something that I never dabbled in before which was watching girls on webcams. I think it’s because I never had the gumption to go through with that sort of thing in the past and was sort of content with the habit that I had. Now, I can imagine more intense things that I would involve myself in now that I have extra cash, which is a bit daunting to think about. I have never been in position to move past the habituation framework I was in as a kid. But right now with my girlfriend having monitors on my devices and since we are together 24/7, I haven’t really had much time to ponder or explore beyond the old habituation formula I had in the past.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:37 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 19

Fantasy/Porn & Masturbation-
Sense of excitement
Sheer desire
Long standing euphoria
To feel in control
To be smoothed/evened out (anxiety?) (it does help calm me down when stressed, but I don’t find myself going to it for that purpose. It’s mainly happenstance)
Fill in boring/mundane moments
Add to other moments of enjoyment
Fear of missing out
No judgment
Creativity


Smoking weed -
Sheer desire
Sense of excitement
To feel in control
To be smoothed/evened out (anxiety?)
Fill in boring/mundane moments
Add to other moments of enjoyment
Fear of missing out
To be distracted from what is bothering me, in the moment
For some reason, I feel more like a man when I am about to smoke weed

Listening to music, especially during work -
Sheer desire
To be smoothed/evened out (anxiety?)
Fill in boring/mundane moments
Add to other moments of enjoyment


Fidget spinner-
Sheer desire
Sense of excitement
To be smoothed/evened out (anxiety?)
Fill in boring/mundane moments

Looking at girls feet in public
Sheer desire
Sense of excitement
To feel in control
Fear of missing out
Collection mentality
I realized my lack of care to look at another man’s woman might stem from how much I hated when other guys wanted my girlfriend and even tried things with them. Their lack of respect for me led me to a lack of respect for everybody.
I feel out of control when I can’t look at a girls feet in public. The upset feeling I get is intense.

Fantasizing
Sheer desire
Long standing euphoria
To feel in control
Fill in boring/mundane moments
Add to other moments of enjoyment
To be distracted from what is bothering me, in the moment
Creativity
To live in my perfect world in a way, or at least have hope for it


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:38 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 20

From childhood, I knew I had a fetish for female feet since early memory. I obviously didn’t know the term “fetish”. I can’t think of any trauma that would have led to this. I know that I always had pie in the sky, romantic ideal in my head as a young child also.

As a preteen, I was going through physical body changes (pre-puberty) while also going through a living transition because I remember feeling these intense physical feelings while we were staying at my grandmothers before we moved. This was a move away from everyone I had ever known, and I was ok with that. I guess having two transitions at the same time didn’t allow me to process things going on in my body.

Right before we moved, I had daydreamed about finding a girlfriend that might end up being a lifelong thing. Once again, pie in the sky. When we moved, I was “the new boy”. I got attention from girls, both good and bad. I didn’t know how to go about girls because this was my first time at a public school, and they didn’t have the same values, or even had the ability to understand them because I was coming from a private Christian preparatory school.

Junior high was when I had a girlfriend that I never spoke to out of fear, neurosis. I want to say it was the summer before when I first started masturbating. I was intrigued by the female wrestlers that would do swimsuit shots and lingerie. I still remember the model I used. I had a moment of shock, not even knowing what I did. I remember the next day doing it and having fun, not thinking anything bad. But soon after, it’s like my brain had an aha moment of, “this is sinful and your parents would be pissed finding out”

I used models and gradually moved on to my fetish and had been using it ever since.

I was also unlike many of my peers in that I was saving my virginity for marriage. This made dating more difficult because my exes were ready and willing and I was not because of my faith values. In reality, I was just lying to myself.

I would also masturbate and it never really hit me that my girlfriend might not like it.

Single or not, porn and masturbation were a normal part of my life and I never new what to do or what I wanted to do about it.

I prayed to God several times to “make me not want this anymore”, but of course proved futile.

I used porn and masturbation daily until my current girlfriend. When I told her about me watching porn, I did it non-chalantly. I didn’t expect that she would be so passionately against it, because past girlfriends never gave that vibe.

After moving in with my girlfriend (which was circumstantial, we were not together at the time) I could no longer hide it because she has since put monitors on my devices.

I don’t like that I have felt the need for porn/fantasy and masturbation. I like the fun it brings in the moment, but not necessarily the entire hold it has on me at times when I don't necessarily want to but feel the need to.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:38 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 21

A. Making he freshman basketball team. I think I failed because I didn’t have adequate support or prior training.

B. Working from Home. I think I succeeded because I was passionate about having that and I was in control about how I went about it.

C. I want to tell the truth about everything for one week straight.
I want to be upfront with things that I know I should reveal to my partner.
I want to make known how I’m feeling and not lie to avoid conflict.
I want to not lie about what my partner asks me about.
I want to keep up with this on my daily monitoring


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:39 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 22

Compulsive Ritual:
Masturbation

Elements Involved:
Fantasy (visual)
Orgasm
Sensory (touch)
Accomplishment

Value Assigned:
Fantasy (visual):3
Orgasm:3
Sensory (touch):2
Accomplishment:1

Filters Applied:
Fantasy (visual)
Time: Doesn’t take much time as I usually know what I want from the onset. 2
Intensity: Sometimes, I need something a bit more intense than the norm, but this is rare. However, I imagine that I would venture to new things out of curiosity to have a better time. 5
Habituation: I have made habits that stimulate me time and time again. 3

Orgasm
Time: If I wanted to orgasm pretty quickly, I could, but I enjoy stopping myself to have more fantasy. 4
Intensity: I have noticed that when I am not physically in shape, the intensity wears off. I have become more focused on my health as a result because I want to have powerful orgasms each time. 7
Habituation: I know my body well enough, but could improve. 2

Sensory (touch)
Time: Depending on the day or amount of times I masturbated earlier that day, the time it takes for me to reach erection can vary. 4
Intensity: I have learned that I don’t need much touch, and light touches feel good. Sometimes, I do like a bit of a rougher feeling. I would’ve given a 2, but since I sometimes like a rough feeling every now and then, I’m giving it. 4
Habituation: I have it well enough to be stimulated almost each time. 2

Accomplishment
Time: If I am interrupted, it has a strong effect on me. Also, I find that if I orgasm faster than usual, I will try to orgasm again out of sheer accomplishment. 8
Intensity: I have to feel like I have had enough time. After about an hour-hour and a half, I start to become easygoing rather than anxious. If it’s too long, then I start feeling like I am wasting time and intensity wears. 5
Habituation: I have yet to find the perfect time because it varies with each time I masturbate. 9


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:40 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 23

Being able to master the skill of measuring my compulsive behavior and isolating the ingredients, it’ll help me see my ritual/s for what it/they is/are. I will be able to visualize the intensity of each ingredient and look at the rituals from a new perspective.

I will be able to objectively look at the intensity of each ingredient, in order to insert appropriate counter actions (I suppose).

I will be honing the skill of being aware of myself and emotions through this measurement and seeing it on a practical level. That should help me as I need cut and dry action steps in order to move forward.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:41 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 24

Personal Wheel of Sexual Compulsion
Sensory
Fantasy
Orgasm
Power
Control
Accomplishment
Reward
Entitlement
Past
Solitude
Comfortability
Detachment
Acceptance

Masturbation
Element 1: Feel physical urge to masturbate
Element 2: Start fantasizing about someone or past images/videos
Element 3: Start thinking of reasons why I deserve to think these thoughts (especially if other than my partner)
Element 4: Dwell/Subconsciously think of how I’ve been wronged by females and/or my partner to help give more reason to follow through
Element 5: Planning out when to go to certain location to masturbate and perfect time.
Element 6: Possibly smoke weed and/or drink alcohol to help the sensory aspect
Element 7: Go to solitary location and make the setting comfortable
Element 8: Start fantasy/Look for porn/Use partners content
Element 9: Try making the perfect fantasy/Porn image and video/Partners content that is most stimulating for me at the time
Element 10: Orgasm when the perfect scenario is placed, or (rarely) if too stimulating, I will orgasm early.
Element 11: Putting things back in their proper place, clean up
Element 12: Trying to act normal as if nothing happened

Checking out Women in Public
Element 1: Positioning myself away from my partner so she doesn’t catch me in the act
Element 2: Noticing attractive woman/women
Element 3: Think about what I would like to do with the woman or just complimenting their physical attributes in my head
Element 4: Getting caught up in the fantasy
Element 5: Positioning myself to see what I want to see on the woman
Element 6: Fueling strong desire to be with the woman, use the woman
Element 7: Entertaining how the woman could be attracted to me too
Element 8: Trying to ensure that partner hasn’t seen / Will be highly upset if not able to view the woman, especially if it is because my partner is there / If alone in public, feeling euphoria over the fact that my partner isn’t there to watch me
Element 9: Possibly (rarely) masturbating and orgasming to the thought of the woman

Fantasizing
Element 1: Wanting to experience sexual euphoria
Element 2: Thinking of the perfect scenario or past image/video
Element 3: Indulging in the fantasy
Element 4: Debating if I should continue fantasizing
Element 5: Convincing myself it’s ok to fantasize about others because of how partner and past partners have wronged me.
Element 6: Relief in fantasizing and continuing it
Element 7: Leading to urge to masturbate
Element 8: Needing to masturbate and orgasm, hopefully based on fantasy, but doesn’t have to be

Talking to Women in Fetish Industry
Element 1: Curiosity about responses, how conversation would go
Element 2: Feeling that they would accept me and not judge me for what I want to do and/or say
Element 3: Feeling euphoria over possibly being understood and heard properly where I can be my true self
Element 4: Seeking fetish person to talk to
Element 5: Finding contact information and reaching out / Being able to voice without literally using my voice (text,email)
Element 6: Feeling stress over how they may respond
Element 7: Feeling successful after getting positive response
Element 8: Feeling self-confidence and esteem for reciprocation
Element 9: Using the sheer fact that they contacted me in future fantasy


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:42 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 25

Compulsive Ritual: Porn & Masturbation (while a single teen at parents house)
Something triggered fantasy (whether my mind or something else) / Boredom
Desirable fantasy begins, usually based on past experiences
Start to indulge in fantasy
Think of how to get alone if not alone already
Set up area to make sure I am protected and can act like I’m doing something else if need be
Start looking for a photo that I want to “end with”
Masturbate in the process of looking at photos
After finding photo, start looking at videos that I like
Masturbate to as many videos as will help with the stimulation and time frame thresholds
Make sure I have the photo ready
Find the perfect video to start the “ending process to”
Find the perfect scene to replay until I choose to orgasm at the right time
Switch to photo while orgasming
Finish orgasm as best I can
Sit there for awhile
Either feel bad or shrug off any feeling I might have / Many times feel fine after
Think about how what just stimulated the heck out of me doesn’t do much for me in this next moment right after orgasm
Start the clean up process of images and videos and self
Either go on to do what I was doing before, or repeat this process shortly after in a shorter period of time, until fully “satisfied”


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 6:43 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 45
Lesson 26

This week I looked outside and fantasized about being with a girl

Was not intending to look, but went outside to patio (which I do often)

Was triggered to look in direction of girls apartment because of past experience

Knowing she is never on her patio, I still feel compelled to look in that direction, and take the opportunity.

I start to fantasize about the one time she was out there and had her feet up

Start remembering how girlfriend was there at the time and notice me notice the girl

Become upset at the fact that I wasn’t able to look at the girl the way I wanted to because girlfriend was there

Start to resent girlfriend for not being single and wanting us to work on relationship

Justify my reasoning for thinking about the girl

Wonder what it would be like to talk to her, hope for scenario where we meet

Create ideal scenario in my head of her and I mentally and emotionally connecting

Sometimes (not this time) sexually fantasize about her

Feel more like I am in control

Hope for her to be out there he next time I go outside on the patio

Go back inside


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 12:10 pm 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 122
Hi Kelly01

Well done on keeping your progress going over the Christmas season, when it can be all too easy to slacken off over time. I hope you feel as if you're gaining some genuine insight from the lessons. Not all of them will resonate with you to the same extent, but as you go through the workshop you'll find that it all starts to come together a lot more coherently.

Quote:
After moving in with my girlfriend (which was circumstantial, we were not together at the time) I could no longer hide it because she has since put monitors on my devices.


I was struck by what you wrote above, and in another place about your girlfriend placing monitoring software or blocks on your devices. It felt to me as if you are still resentful of this and feeling as if it has been imposed on you rather than agreed between you in a healthy way. Also, when you wrote the following in your last post:
Quote:
Start to resent girlfriend for not being single and wanting us to work on relationship
. Resentment can be a very powerful driver (or excuse) for resorting to compulsive behaviours. Someone once said to me there are 2 main reasons behind the choice to act out: "poor me or fuck you" (excuse the language). Its worth being aware of how your resentment can be a key factor and working out how you can better handle it over time, although this can often be a hard habit to break.

Keep up the good work and stay safe.

Tim


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 47 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 13 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group