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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 9:55 am 
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Tim_Recovery wrote:
Hi Kelly01

Well done on keeping your progress going over the Christmas season, when it can be all too easy to slacken off over time. I hope you feel as if you're gaining some genuine insight from the lessons. Not all of them will resonate with you to the same extent, but as you go through the workshop you'll find that it all starts to come together a lot more coherently.

Quote:
After moving in with my girlfriend (which was circumstantial, we were not together at the time) I could no longer hide it because she has since put monitors on my devices.


I was struck by what you wrote above, and in another place about your girlfriend placing monitoring software or blocks on your devices. It felt to me as if you are still resentful of this and feeling as if it has been imposed on you rather than agreed between you in a healthy way. Also, when you wrote the following in your last post:
Quote:
Start to resent girlfriend for not being single and wanting us to work on relationship
. Resentment can be a very powerful driver (or excuse) for resorting to compulsive behaviours. Someone once said to me there are 2 main reasons behind the choice to act out: "poor me or fuck you" (excuse the language). Its worth being aware of how your resentment can be a key factor and working out how you can better handle it over time, although this can often be a hard habit to break.

Keep up the good work and stay safe.

Tim


Hey Tim, thanks for taking a look. Yes, I do feel the resentment toward her, and have recently expressed that to her. I do resonate with those 2 main reasons as to why I act out if I were to sum it all up. It's tough feeling like both poor me & fuck you in this situation. Trying to work through my own personal reasons (values) for changing so that I have strong motivators to change.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 9:57 am 
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(Posting lessons 27-31 in one day, but were done over period of weeks)


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:00 am 
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Lesson 27

Compulsive Ritual 1
Masturbation/Orgasm

Many times, I will get high right before I start. I then have to choose a photo or series of photos to end on. Then I have to find videos that I will masturbate to throughout for about an hour or so. I don’t like to ejaculate too early. If I ejaculate on accident, the euphoria might even be stronger if not just as good, but the sense of accomplishment is non-existent. So I like getting in as many videos as possible. I’ll switch back and forth between photo and video. I also need to hear what noises are being made in the videos. I also make sure I choose a video I’ve watched in the session and choose the perfect scenes. I have to get the photo ready so that while I’m orgasming, I can go from the video scenes to the photo, and back and forth if need be. Being high at the time, having the photo, sounds and video all at once makes the orgasm feel better than if I were using only one of each ingredient.


Compulsive Ritual 2
I have my favorite television show that I now will not watch until I am in the right “mode”.

I have to drink alcohol to the “just right” amount. Usually 3-4 shots of hard liquor.

Then, I have to smoke weed after that to put the high on top of the alcohol. (I will not drink after smoking because it brings down my high. I have to do it in this order.

Then I am able to watch the show. When new episodes come that I haven’t seen, I will have to watch it on Netflix so there are no interruptions (commercials).

Otherwise, I’ll feel unfulfilled in watching it. I’ve added this pattern to other shows I like as well. Same goes for videogames and music, I like and now feel like I need to have some sort of inebriation to fully enjoy the activity.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:01 am 
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Lesson 28

I very much acted out the scenario of what I had as my compulsive chain in Lesson 27 of mixing things together

I was feeling the urge pretty strongly, so felt the need to masturbate.

I first waited until my girlfriend started work (we both work from home) so I could have peace of mind that she would be busy.
Then I made sure that I was high off weed to help enhance what would be my orgasm later
I went to the bathroom closet where I keep her laptop that has her explicit content (since she obviously doesn’t want me using anyone else but her for masturbation)
I also made sure to choose the “right” series of photos she has, the went on to watching her videos until I found the “right” scenes
I also spend time editing her photos to make them look even better
I also edit the videos, and that can bring lag to the computer which makes me feel upset in the moment, and I want to make up that time lost
I also started using Vaseline while masturbating this way, which adds to the “good” feeling
Also, I generally spend about an hour doing this. Recently, I’ve started to ejaculate at the 30 minute mark so I could do the process over again and ejaculate at least twice before I have to back out

What I could do and thought about doing is adding alcohol to the mix, because I have experienced it while having sex with my partner, and it feels really good
I would also want to see my girlfriend with other females because that would help my orgasm since I would previously masturbate to lesbian porn in the past.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:02 am 
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Lesson 29

A.
When I thought about my values, I thought about Autonomy/Freedom first, and that gave me the best feeling of calmness and sanity. I noticed that I felt “leveled out” the way that I subconsciously seek through porn and masturbation. I never noticed how that affected me. I also thought about pro wrestling and how I wanted to train. I felt excitement, creativity and a positive anxiety about wanting to get in the ring ASAP. Bitter-sweetness arose thinking about my age and how much time has gone by that I have not trained and how this dream of mine wasn’t taken seriously. Trying to stay positive, I started thinking about gaming and how I feel excited when I’m about to go play. I thought about how I am gearing up for a career in gaming and the plausibility helped. I thought about the value of time and the value of financial freedom. I felt both positive and negative anxiety because I desire it and am goal oriented towards these things, but I need to be successful soon before these values backfire on me.

I thought about past hurts and how I felt cheated by others in the past. I didn’t think about personal regrets as I forgot about that part. I thought of how parents were dispassionate about the things I cared about (career in wrestling mainly), not supportive of my sports abilities to the degree that I could compete. I thought of how they couldn’t pay my way thru college and how the burden was on me and I didn’t even like the field I was in. I thought about exes who did me wrong. One particular instance of and ex doing me wrong made me get side tracked about the same time frame when something went my way. I remember feeling so happy and the fact that that outcome was for the long term, I remember feeling like myself in the situation. Then I started back on the thoughts of what that ex did. These brought about intense feeling of anger, resentment, feeling cheated. I thought about my long running subconscious motto of, “if they don’t care about me, why should I?” I thought how others have only been in my presence for themselves and how my girlfriend has wronged me too. I thought about past “friends” and how fake they were, or the lack of depth they provided me in our friendship. I realized that I feel the negative emotions much more intensely than the positive. I asked myself if this is because of the perceptions I had growing up. It seemed like doing something good got a mild response, or it was looked at as “well, that’s what you’re supposed to do”. It also seemed like negative behavior brought about the intensity from my parents that I was looking for. I feel like I have been ultimately cheated by life and how one of my core values is justice. I never felt justified in life and it’s led me down a path of not giving a f*** about any of it.

I thought about unanswered prayers and remembering when God was there for me, which was a mixed emotion I didn’t indulge.

I thought of mild behavior (thoughts of past porn videos), and it didn’t take much for me to realize my feelings here and how it plays a role against the negative emotions. A lot of it has to do with “getting even”. I think subconsciously knowing that exes might not like this, my girlfriend currently surely doesn’t, my parents hate it. I was able to reason in my mind that I have been able to use prom and masturbation as a means of protecting myself and getting the retributive “justice” I feel like I deserve. I also get the relief from the negative emotions and can level out.

Towards the end of the exercise, I tried evaluating why I feel the way I do, and I think my value of justice has a lot to do with it. Also how porn and masturbation has been the best thing for me to accomplish this “leveling out”.

B.
One of the least anxious experiences I’ve had is not showing up to work, then knowing that I will be on a corrective action and will need to be completely punctual for at least 30 days straight. I’m generally punctual anyway and I know the job is fairly lenient, but still being in that corrective action list is concerning.

One of the most anxious moments I remember was when I had a job counting company cash, and I didn’t close the safe. I got chewed out by my boss while I was off, and it made me feel less of myself. That’s when I gave up my virginity to my current girlfriend.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:03 am 
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Lesson 30

In assessing my emotions and how they influence my actions, I found the following:

I have a deep fear of missing out. If I decide not to act out, that can easily be overridden by myself feeling like I will miss out on a great experience. No value of my own oversteps this. Only outside influences like God or my girlfriend have kept me from overriding the fear of missing out. When I do stop for others, it breeds resentment for them.

I am realizing just how much of an idealist I am. I intentionally didn’t include it in my list of values as this program has stated its position against the “all or nothing” principal. When there is something important to me, I want it to be “perfect”. Looking for the “perfect” images and videos for masturbation/orgasm. Even with games and TV, if it’s an important game or show, I have to set the setting just right, or else I want nothing to do with the activity.

I realized that comfortability must play a role in my sexual stimulation. Last night having intimacy with my girlfriend, there were times when I thought her son would wake up and possibly hear us, or come out and see us. Then I became neurotic about that and then it was downhill from there. I couldn’t focus on feeling good in the moment, and I started a downward spiral of thoughts and emotions. Lack of comfortability doesn’t make me want to follow through with the activity, but I did for her. I noticed how when I am about to go masturbate, my mind starts going all over the place and I feel anxious, but when I go to the comfortable place, that starts to subside.

Anxiety also makes me feel horny at times. In there past I didn’t know why, but I suspect that it has to do with the fact that subconsciously, I know that orgasming gives me the ultimate physical feeling of relief.

Also, being interrupted is something that I understand that I can’t stand emotionally. This might stem from experiences where I felt like I had something important to say/do and was cut off. Saying this even now brings huge negative emotions. It doesn’t have to be sexual necessarily. When watching my shows, playing video games, or doing something productive I set my mind to, I don’t want to be interrupted. I guess this has to do with the fact that I have a very unorganized mind, so it takes me effort to get things right and start a task.

Dual addiction I think plays a major role for my acting out and emotions. I will randomly get horny while playing video games. I think that the stimulation I get from other joys like video games isn’t intense enough for my brain, and so my brain wants more stimulation. Subconsciously knowing that an orgasm will likely give it to me.

Lately, it’s been tougher to experience orgasms as powerful as before. I confessed major things to my girlfriend recently, and one of them had to do with my fantasies. Now that her and I have talked about what is and isn’t OK for me to fantasize about, I feel like the neurological pathways that stimulated me most were those sorts of fantasies. Now I feel like I’m having to create new things to be aroused by, to the degree that I was before, and the orgasms aren’t as great. I’m hoping that this doesn’t lead me to try other things that are addictive because of me feeling like I need a powerful orgasm each time. I am a very laid back person generally, but when I’m passionate about something, I’m very intense, and intensity plays a huge role in why I do things, and continue to do them.

The value I employ most when dealing with these emotions is reasoning. I have reasoned why I sold follow through with compulsive behavior. Many of my core values take a back seat to me acting out on my emotions because I have just started to make this list of values. Prior, I only took on values that were part of my faith, because they were part of my faith. I ultimately didn’t value them to the degree that it would keep me from masturbation. I was already keeping myself for marriage (until my current girlfriend 8 years ago, I was a virgin). Masturbation was my outlet to keep me “level”, then I could keep these other faith “values” after that. So I never put anything above my true inherent values of sexual stimulation and orgasm. To this day, I have a hard time seeing what I actually, truly value more than that.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:04 am 
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Lesson 31

A.
Girlfriend’s rules - severe
Girlfriend asking if I checked someone out when I hadn’t - moderate
Syndication appointments - moderate/severe
Work performance scores - severe
Living situation and how to handle for the future - extreme
Cut/Bump on my head - mild
Getting weed - moderate
Existential questions - severe/extreme
Desire to look at women in store - severe
Desire to look at women online - moderate
Family and my responsibility to be part of the family - severe/extreme
Going back to school - mild
Real estate studying - moderate/severe
Keeping my thoughts faithful to my girlfriend - moderate/severe
Being honest about everything - severe

B.
Autonomy/Freedom
Time
Financial freedom
Self-awareness/Understanding
Reason/Purpose/Meaning
Mental health
Physical health
Emotional maturity
Emotional security
Communication
Personal growth, development
Support/Understanding/Charity
Wisdom/Decision making
Justice
Peace/Diplomacy

I didn’t expect this, but I feel relieved that a lot of these stressors are indeed related to my values/goals here. Except for the desires. Hmm, desires vs values seem to be what’s out of step. I feel at least better that I could die today knowing my energy has been well spent.

C.
Sadly, I don’t see a pattern of driving energy from these values. Is this why I have chosen to abandon my values for my desires? Because I drive more positive energy from fulfilling my desires ? I feel like I have always failed or strived with my values only to fail. So I only experience stress without the positive aspect of attaining my goals through my values. However, I’ve been good at attaining my goals in regards to desires. Maybe that’s why I intensely regret keeping my virginity for so long and not taking opportunities to have relations when I could have “accomplished” those desire goals, but chose not to for some value that was never even mine to begin with! Ugh this is frustrating to realize. Maybe if I succeed with the goals/routines that are in line with my values, then I would get energy from them that I wouldn’t need from my desires? Idk.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2021 11:13 am 
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Lesson 32

This thru to Lesson 40 were done over the period of several weeks. Lesson 39 is obviously skipped as it is being done over the course of weeks, months and/or years.

Proactive Plan Progress Review

Strengthening my mental health
Self talk
I will replace negative thoughts about myself with positive - I have added this to a “mantra” that I speak in the morning. I also have it as part of my daily monitoring. It’s been a see-saw of accomplishment, but it’s better than being negative all the time and giving into that negativity all the time.

I will constantly affirm what I believe is true and good about myself - I recently have put this to the forefront of my mind to start focusing on. I’ll make a list of scriptures that affirm who God says I am.

Use binding and loosing prayers to rid myself of strongholds - I have used this a couple of times since making this plan, and have been using it more lately than when starting this plan. My family prayer line has gotten back on track with the book that talks about strongholds since last Friday. So I will make this part of my mantra.

Beliefs about myself
I will biblically reason why I should believe that I am a child of the Most High - I haven’t taken out the time to do this, but as I mentioned, I plan on making a list of scriptures for this. I will also try to memorize the verses.

I will implement steps in the Alpha Male book to build confidence - I have this also in my daily monitoring. I haven’t kept up with this, and I will make a plan to condense my notes from the book, put into a plan, then start 48 laws of power.

I will find activities that display my talents - I haven’t event tried to do this. I will look for aptitude tests, then look for activities that line up.

Self care
I will make a daily note of how I’m feeling - I’ve done much better here. I use “Moodnotes” to assess how I’m feeling, and have incorporated it in my daily routine

I will make leisure time for me, myself and I - I have not made it a point to actually schedule “me” time. I’ve gotten it, but sporadically. I will find a recurrent “me time” day.

I will make habits and rituals that are organized so I’m not thinking about things I need to do - I’ve focused much harder on this, and have been tweaking my daily and weekly routines until they feel comfortable to me.

I will find free counseling - I have not yet looked, but I have made a plan to start searching now.

Expression of needs
I will learn how to express myself in a way that is well received - I made a plan to find resources that will help me do this.

I will gain courage through practice on how to express my feelings to Komal - Haven’t started getting help, so this comes after that.

I will write out my needs and ponder them - I will add this to my weekly routine.

Strengthening my emotional security
Openness
I will be open to love and receiving love - I have had my moments where I try to accept what my girlfriend gives. It’s tough though because when I do that, I have a hard time not thinking about my resentment towards her.

I will be upfront about good feelings I’m having about our relationship - I have made a plan to look for resources on expressing my feelings and emotions.

Vulnerability
I will allow myself to feel good and bad feelings - I have not been conscious of this. I think by being expressive more often, I will be able to see when I’m feeling good feelings and bad.

I won’t shut myself off from others - A slow uphill battle, but I am trying to open myself to the idea of socializing with others and getting in a group.

I will put myself out there and rest in who I am rather than what is thought of me - I have definitely been more conscious of being myself rather than trying to put up a front. I haven’t succeeded much, but it’s definitely at the forefront of my mind. I will look for a self-confidence resource.

I will allow myself to get hurt - I haven’t had the opportunity, but I will try to ope myself to those opportunities.

Setting boundaries
I will make a list of non-negotiables for others to have a relationship with me - I will make a plan to list these out

I will not allow my boundaries to be crossed - I have let things go and even when it comes to the contract I created in this program. I will start standing up for myself and reprimand when it’s appropriate.

Strengthening my purpose for my life and life itself
Having meaningful goals
I will base my primary goals off of my desires - I have actively been doing this. I’ve gotten discouraged and fallen off because of that, but have since gotten back on the wagon.

I will base secondary goals off of the needs of others - I have not been focusing on this as much as I could. Although I have made a plan to work on being a better role model for my girlfriends son. I also plan on giving to a worthy cause monthly starting in February.

I must understand the purpose in reaching and achieving the goal, which must outweigh the process - This is what’s put me back on the wagon. With my syndication goals, it isn’t so much the work but the lack of funds keeping me from moving forward.

Learning about myself
I will take more aptitude tests to save and review - I did actually take one recently. I have made a plan to take more.

I will work on cutting out my bad qualities to become who I was meant to be - I have put forth the effort and I have failed a few times. It’s a work in progress.

I will study philosophical world-views - This has been tough because there are times where the existential questions begin weighing on me personally, mentally & emotionally.

Seeking Gods purpose for me
I will stay in prayer about this - I have mentioned it in prayer, but not made it part of a daily prayer. I will do so.

I will learn to love everyone around me - I haven’t put myself out there. This will come once I find a group.

Understanding the purpose of the world
I will seek Gods kingdom and look to be part of it - I am ambivalent about this because of several factors, but ultimately will spend my life trying to do this.

I will study history, sociology, eschatology and theology in regards to this - I have way too much going on right now, but will section out time for this.

Strengthening my ability to experience euphoria
Finding out what makes me feel good
Taking more aptitude tests, and tests in regards to interests to know more about what I like - Same as above

Trying new things, being more adventurous - My girlfriend has helped me do this unknowingly, but I need to put myself out there. I will make a monthly plan to try something new each month.

Nurture positive activities that I do already - Managing my time has helped me take leisure time for gaming, which fuels my desire to go to school for gaming.

Taking out time to do what makes me feel good
Making sure to schedule time to do fun activities - This will be part of the “me time” day.

Setting reminders to make fun routines - Same as above

Learning to love things that aren't practical, but good for me
Looking for relatively small habits that aren't fun but will be good for me - I’ve started reading the “Radical Honesty” book. This is a a small step forward to a large habit.

Make positive incremental changes toward these sorts of habits over time - Trying to make small incremental steps towards total honesty.

Financial Freedom
Finding out my number for annual income
Use the Financial Freedom calculator to readjust your number - I was waiting until I became debt free, which has been recently. I will add this to my calendar as well.

Take into account of if a family of mine is involved or not - I will do this the same day.

Take stock of the life that you want to live and all the little things in it - I will do this right before the calculation.

Making a plan that is like clockwork
Figure out your career/investments and what they should bring in conservatively - I will make a day to figure this out.

Write out a foreseeable future plan for how you will use your income to tackle expenses - I’ve been on this and have a weekly routine to readjust expenses.

Make sure direct deposits are in the right accounts to set and forget - I will try to adjust the payment dates based on increasing my credit score.

Ensuring stability and maintaining freedom
Make periodic checks on accounts with Personal Capital once per week - I will add “Personal Capital” to the weekly readjustment routine.

Never allow yourself to fall behind a certain percentage of net worth - I will find a fair dollar amount to keep instead of a percentage.*

Hedge with fairly protected assets / Different funds, accounts and even box spring money - I will speak with VIP Financial Ed or any other financial advisor to get this info.

Strengthening my Time
Use time I need to re-energize
Assessing how much time a person like me needs for rejuvenation - Use an aptitude test to figure your personality, temperament. Then compare that to rejuvenation needed for that type.

Scheduling out my personal time - See above

Spend personal time on activities that promote growth and rest - I will look for activities designed to reenergize my personality type.

Making a life plan
Once financial freedom is obtained, then figure out how much longer you will have on this Earth conservatively - Look for the cryogenic guys calculator.

Break your life down into 5 year organization, 1 year, month to month, week to week - After all financial freedom is obtained.

Respecting my time
Making others aware of my lack of availability - Keep Calendly

I will not disregard the time that I have set for myself in advance - I will not.

If emergencies come up or things have to be done, I will be sure to re-schedule my time - I will do so.

Strengthening my Sexual Stimulation
Research
I will take aptitude tests on what is sexually stimulating for me and why - I will do this and also ask you guys for the results of the test you had me take.

I will continue to read on the negative affects porn has on stimulation - I did read more of “your brain on porn” I will look for more resources once I’m ready to accept the information.

I will research the positive affects that monogamous sex has on stimulation/enjoyment - This is something that I can look into now and start trying to have a taste for.

Reciprocation
I need a partner that is not only open to what I want to do sexually, but is also stimulated by those same things - Write out a list of things. Schedule time with Komal to talk about

I want my partner to willingly make sexually explicit content for me - Regroup with Komal

I want to be sexually pleasing to my partner - Regroup with Komal

I need to feel that I am sexually desired by my mate, almost to obsession, and that goes for me too - Regroup with Komal

I want to have the same level of sex drive my partner has - Regroup with Komal

Building on the foundation
I want to use the sexual experiences with my partner to help build a stronger bond between us - I think our bond is as close as it is right now because we do have great sex.

I want to learn more about our sexual stimulation together - Make this part of the scheduled talk.

To use foreplay quite often to help build a connection outside of straight sex - Make a Love Nudge goal that includes foreplay.

Strengthening my Autonomy/Freedom
Being trustworthy
I will be transparent to those in my life that matter so they will not question my motives - Radical Honesty book

I will continue to work on my addiction so that my partner isn't worried about what I am doing - I’ve stayed on the Recovery Nation program.

Creating boundaries
I will be upfront with those who come into my life that I am in control over my decisions - I just put this into practice today. It’s tough standing up for myself, but I need to continue.

I will not allow my addiction to get in the way of my ability to be free - I’m ambivalent about “getting free” because I feel like this addiction gives me that sense of freedom and being restrained from it does not. I would have removed this from the Proactive Plans, but it defeats the entire purpose of this.

I will not allow anyone to tell me what I can and cannot do outside of governmental authority - Self-confidence resource.

Strengthening my ability to be Supported & Understood
Finding my voice
I will make known my needs and concerns about the relationship - Will find a resource on how to express needs and concerns.

I won't allow fear of how my partner will react to hinder my voice - Self confidence resource/Expressing Resource/Radical Honesty.

If the time isn't right, I will write down how I feel and schedule time to talk about it - I need to add this to my mantra.

Allowing help
After making known my needs and concerns, I will allow my partner time to work through how they can meet those needs - I will try to accept help

I will talk over with my partner ways in how we can work together in eliminating concerns - I will try to be open and calm in order to have these conversations.

Strengthening Reciprocation & Partnership in my relationship
Reciprocation
I will take time to see if my values match up with my partners, and if they are close in importance - Scheduling time for this

Keeping my partner from doing thing for me that are out of obligation and vice versa, in order to avoid resentment - Regroup with Komal

Finding common hobbies and interests to share and enjoy - Schedule time to talk about this during one on one time.

Partnership
We will make an outline of how each person in the relationship will handle practical daily tasks - We did this recently

Making sure that we are on the same page with financial stability - We do this often and should regroup soon.

Regrouping every so often to ensure neither one of us is feeling like we are pulling more weight in the relationship than the other - We do this on a weekly basis.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2021 11:14 am 
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Lesson 33

Day 1

Before smoking weed - I knew that I would be doing a recovery lesson, so I kept my promise to not be inebriated while doing a lesson. This made me feel anxious about getting my tasks done first so I could do the lesson. The level of anxiety is mulling around a 2/5, and starts subsiding once I know I am able to smoke again.

Going to the bathroom - I didn’t indulge, but felt the need to masturbate. I feel this often when going to the bathroom for the purpose of actually using the bathroom. I think my brain knows that I’m in privacy, plus I always have the FOMO that if I don’t masturbate now, I will have missed out on euphoria and I may not get the chance again, and that I will have an even harder time coping because the urge will be stronger.

Playing basketball - Felt positive going into it and felt at ease. After awhile, my stimulation levels started waning and I wanted more intense competition. I started resenting that I was there with people who don’t take basketball as seriously (for the lack of a better term) than I do. I mulled and over it a bit and fibbed when my girlfriend asked if I had fun.

Day 2

Looking at girlfriends photos and editing them. - Feeling at a sense of peace because I’m in a safe space (where she can’t know that I’m editing her photos, even though she is fine with it) and know that we are going to have sex soon. This helps in exciting me, I guess it seems I want to be highly stimulated. I think she looks good right now, I complimented her, which I know she likes and I feel like we will be able to have sex in a safe space. I go as far as to smoke weed beforehand to have a better experience.

Having sex with girlfriend - Had sex with her twice in a row, and still thinking about masturbating (even to her content if need be). I feel like my brain got a few hits and is wanting more. Wishing I could do something about it and feeling anxious about when and if I’ll masturbate. Thinking about telling her before I go do it so I can use her content, which I did.

Feeling angry and belittled because of the fact that I feel like I’m being made to be in a relationship when I don’t want to be. About to talk to my girlfriend about this and I feel like it’ll be pointless, a waste of my time because she’s still going to try controlling me and making me stay and using my niceness as leverage.

Day 3

Telling girlfriend the truth about my thoughts. This was extremely uncomfortable and I hated telling her what I did. It was ver embarrassing and I expressed to her that it’s much harder when I don’t even want to be in the position of a relationship like we are in. I tried to explain how I have just started to be upfront and honest about things, and I feel like I’m going from 0-100 by having to be telling her truths that are tough truths. I was telling her how I need to take baby steps because of how overwhelmed I feel in this relationship.

Thinking about the ideal situation with the ideal person. I was in the car and was looking outside. It looked like a romantic setting and I wished how I could be with someone that I felt romantic feelings towards in order to fully enjoy myself and the moment. I felt regret for not standing up for myself in the past when I told my girlfriend how many times I wanted to break up and she coerced me to stay. Started to get angry, so diverted my thoughts to what was going on in the moment.

Day 4

Felt annoyed and resentful when trying to go along with sex with my girlfriend. Annoyed and frustrated because I couldn’t get comfortable knowing her son could come out at any moment plus the sheer fact of his presence being a “downer” when trying to have sex. Regretting my current situation and feeling trapped. Also feeling like my girlfriend should have taken matters in her hands to close his door and make sure he doesn’t come out.

Day 5

Having a conversation about ourselves. Me and my girlfriend dove deeper into our personality tests and how it applies to our current situation. I felt like I finally had back up for a third party to validate my feelings (which I have said plenty of times over the course of our relationship to get an unbiased perspective involved). I felt like she better understood why I stay in the relationship and how I can be genuine with her while still not feeling like I want to be here. I cried because I was able to realize things about myself (I can’t even remember the last time I cried).

In the shower, didn’t indulge. My physical urges lately have been minimal (which happens about once a month anyhow), so I used the opportunity to test the “PONR” and I felt like I made a minor step in the right direction by not insulting. In the past, I would have indulged regardless of how I felt physically. I still felt the FOMO feeling leaving the shower, but I mitigated that by telling myself that I would marinate later and it would feel better since I held off right now.

Showed my girlfriend where I had photos of other women. I did this because I wanted to use her content and we ahead talked about me doing this. I felt bad because I still want those photos. I was appreciative that my girlfriend acknowledged what I did and said thank you. It just felt like a minimal thank you to something that I felt was so big. She expressed to me later how she felt a lack of love from me throughout the day, so that may have been why her demeanor seemed nonchalant, but I still felt like I deserved much more recognition for what I did. I still wish I had the photos, even though there weren’t many instances where I could use them, I still felt good knowing they’d be there if an opportunity arises.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2021 11:15 am 
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Lesson 34

A. It was the night before I had to train for a new position and be to work at 6AM. It just so happened that I was hanging out with a girl from the job and we had already insinuated that we would “do things”. It was late in the night and I new that I needed to go to sleep and be rested. However, I stayed up with her “doing things”, and she gave me hickies, which don’t look good for a new position. I was also dead tired going up to the job in the morning. Luckily, my trainer was fairly cool about it all. But I chose to have that immediate gratification, especially since I kept myself from having encounters like that throughout my life. Another FOMO moment.

B. The anxiety I feel when trying not to look at women’s feet in public is immense. I get neurotic about it and it becomes a cycle of anxiety. I just recently started this practice of not looking. I didn’t realize how strong the compulsion was to look. There is definitely the FOMO element there as well. Other instances of anxiety usually involve some sort of fear, so that element isn’t present. However, the anxiety level is the most intense with not looking, there is no other pressure like it. The only thing I could say is worse was when I couldn’t masturbate. There is a sense of anger over the fact that I want to look/masturbate, but am being ordered not too. Then resentment builds. But other times that I’m anxious, like when work is busy or something, it sucks too, but not like when these sexual desires are involved. It’s not like the overarching anxiety that I feel because I’m unhappy with my steady living situation.

C. When masturbating to porn, especially if I have smoked weed is very trance like once I have found a video/photo that is overwhelming. The euphoria is unmatched to any other fun activity that I engage in, sec included. The privacy (that I’ve never really had consistently) makes it all the better. In my mind, it’s what I would not share with anyone unless I felt overly comfortable sharing my thoughts with them. They’d know to the extent my perversion goes and how attached I am to the sexual desires I have. I start feeling feelings of romance even sometimes depending on the type of porn (which is usually a soft form). I find myself trying to get creative with images and videos to make the experience even better. If people that I know personally are involved in the session, it makes it more exciting because I get to “live out” fantasies while looking at an image of the person. I enjoy the fact that I have my own little world without anyone really knowing (until my current girlfriend of course). I don’t trust people much, so I stay to myself and this has been an activity that rewards self reliance, autonomy and privacy.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2021 11:15 am 
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Posts: 45
Lesson 35

Daily
I will constantly affirm what I believe is true and good about myself. More specifically, I will use my prayer time to locate a self-affirming Bible verse and find an opportunity to apply it to myself/situation when a negative thought comes in. I will place this in front of my Mac so I can see it during work during the day.

Did I actively seek out opportunities to develop the area that I was focused on? Or was it more a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'?

Weekly - Will implement as part of my weekly routine.
I will check and reply on LinkedIn at least a couple of times a week.

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2021 11:15 am 
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Lesson 36

I. I had an experience with a co-worker that I kept telling I was a virgin and I wasn’t going to have sex with her. She kept hinting at it strongly, and she ended up finding out that I was fine with “doing things” outside of the act of sex. So there wasn’t any boundaries crossed there. However, I knew that I had work early in the morning and training for a new position. I didn’t define with her a time limit and frankly I didn’t care in the moment. She was aware that I was going to have to train for the new position, but I didn’t make a point to make it clear that I needed a time limit to have adequate sleep. I was dead tired the next morning and wasn’t my best for training.

II. Since time is important to me and going to sleep on time is more important for me now, I will let my girlfriend know that I will be going to sleep on time so that I can suck to my daily routine. I’ve already said this, but it doesn’t feel like I have support in that, and her personality makes it hard to stick by my boundaries.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2021 11:16 am 
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Posts: 45
Lesson 37

Autonomy/Freedom
Having the last say about what I do in my life.
Working towards financial freedom to not answer to man.
Aligning with God’s will.
Taking care of myself.
Being upfront with others about the way I live my life.

Absolute 1: I won’t give in to others at my expense.
Absolute 2: I won’t let others do for me what I can do for myself, unless I want them to.
Absolute 3: I won’t allow myself to hold resentment, because I will make my decisions.

Time
Adhering to my routine.
Letting others know when I’m available.
Getting to bed on time.
Scheduling “me” time.
Preparing for work/meetings.

Absolute 1: I won’t allow myself to create a pattern of laziness.
Absolute 2: I won’t disregard the importance of “me” time.
Absolute 3: I won’t go 3 days without getting a good nights rest.

Financial freedom
Creating a budget, and sticking to it.
Taking steps to further career.
Learning how to invest.
Acquiring passive income assets.
Finding ways to eliminate expenses.

Absolute 1: I won’t allow myself to go past my monthly budget.
Absolute 2: I won’t give up on studying for my real estate license.
Absolute 3: I won’t become complacent with my expenses.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2021 11:16 am 
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Lesson 38

Situation 1: I can see how I would give in to my girlfriend at my expense. I can perceive that after having done all that I know I can do emotionally, she would try (and succeed) to coerce me into continuing to try for us having a relationship. It’s happened time and time again. I don’t have anything to really buffer for this.

Situation 2: I can see how I could miss out on “me” time. I need to have set days for that and be able to communicate that to my girlfriend. I feel that I could better safeguard this boundary.

Evolution 1: I will do better overall to adhere to the things she is wanting me to do. Honesty is a big factor, so I will kill two birds with one stone by being honest about everything (including my inner desires, whether I want to continue this relationship or not.)

Evolution 2: I will set days for “me” time on my weekly routine time. I will then tell my girlfriend so that she is aware ahead of time and I will feel more comfortable adhering to it.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2021 11:17 am 
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Posts: 45
Lesson 40

I. I chose my parents. I have felt like I have been keeping in line with their boundaries by moving out of the house when they caught me with weed for the fourth or fifth time. I realized that I didn’t want to live with them knowing that I would be breaking their rules. I may have stepped way outside of their boundaries and haven’t kept a relationship with them the way that I possibly could. What I will say is that it’s likely that they have a higher standard for honesty than what I have given. I believe that by giving them the impression that I no longer smoke weed or drink alcohol, they aren’t seeing my true authentic self. I have been dishonest about my lifestyle with them in order to keep the peace. I am not sure how I can help reinforce their boundaries except to be honest if the conversation ever came up again.


II. If I become aware that I have violated one of their boundaries, I feel that after going through this workshop, I have a better chance of stopping in the moment to catch myself, and then acknowledge to them that I was wrong by overstepping the boundary, and stating how I will fix it or refrain in the future.

III. Knowing myself or my old self, defensiveness would be the knee jerk reaction, and even if not, I would still try to find a way to defend myself. That’s obviously something I need to work on. However, if they actively told me that I overstepped a boundary like I had in the past, I would want to apologize, take ownership of the problem, and then try to fix it or explain how I would refrain in the future.


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