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PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2020 2:03 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
Lesson 1
1. I feel adamant about making a change in my life.
2. Guilt and shame are NOT more powerful than my firm resolve to create a permanent change in my life.
3. I am 100% committed for the long haul....burn the ships!

Reasons for change:
1. I want to become a man of INTEGRITY
2. I want to live an AUTHENTIC life
3. I want to be the HUSBAND that my wife Amy deserves
4. I want to be the FATHER that my sons deserve
5. I would like to RESPECT myself for the first time
6. I would like to be FREE from my chains of addiction
7. I want to remove the roadblocks that prevent me from growing closer to GOD
8. I want to be HONEST
9. I want to experience real INTIMACY with Amy
10. I want to invest 100% in my MARRIAGE
11. I want to experience LIFE to the fullest


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2020 2:22 pm 
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Vision Statement
I will dedicate myself to becoming an authentic, values-based person who will be able to look at himself in the mirror and see a person actively pursuing a life of integrity.

I will become authentic in both my actions and my thoughts and I will steadfastly follow the compass of my convictions. In so doing, I begin the process of respecting and accepting myself. I will build my confidence and derive meaning from a life well pursued.

My vision will extend beyond the immediacy of my circumstances to the goal of wholeness and I will have a new vision for my marriage. In following my vision, I will grow a new intimacy with my wife based upon 100% honesty and transparency, free from the rollercoaster of self-indulgent thoughts and behaviors.

I will build a new life together with Amy founded on integrity, vulnerability, trust, and love. These will be the pillars upon which I will establish a new and deeper level of intimacy in our marriage.

I will begin to focus more on others than I do on myself. The time that I spend with my family will be characterized by deep interest in their well-being and I will strive to be fully present in the remaining time that we have together. My love for them will be made pure and free from conditions or secrets. I will commit myself to building a legacy that epitomizes TRANSFORMATION and LOVE.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2020 2:27 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
Lesson 3 - Values:

Living a life of integrity
Committed to improving my marriage
Being a good father and role model for my sons
Growing in my knowledge of God
Developing an emotional maturity
Becoming my authentic self
Building a deeper relationship with my sons
Pursuing adventures in life
Establishing optimism for my future
Freedom from addictive self-destructive behaviors
Sexual satisfaction
Spending time with my family
Being grounded & content in my life
Foster learning and creative outlets
Stay fit for life
Honesty
Establishing a new intimacy with my wife
Building trust with my family
Transparency
Allowing myself to be safely vulnerable
Being financially secure
Transformation
Developing self-respect
Having a vision for my marriage
Acceptance of who I am
Purpose for my life
Loving my wife
Achieving stability in my life
Dedicate myself to transforming my life for the better
Being fully present
Feeling excited about sex
Be a well respected employee
Feeling security in my job
Live a life that is values based
Helping my wife feel the security she deserves
Being competent at my job
Follow my convictions
Living with compassion
Wholeness
Deep interest in other's well-being
Focus on others
Unconditional love
Restoring the respect of my family
Seeing the long term vision for my life
Keep things in perspective
Have passion for life…it is a gift
Be an inspiration for others
Freedom to dream
Having friends
Getting back to nature
Having pride in my work contributions
Being part of a community
Finish more of what I start


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2020 2:30 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
Lesson 4 - Prioritizing My Values

1 Living a life of integrity
2 Committed to improving my marriage
3 Being a good father and role model for my sons
4 Growing in my knowledge of God
5 Developing an emotional maturity
6 Becoming my authentic self
7 Building a deeper relationship with my sons
8 Pursuing adventures in life
9 Establishing optimism for my future
10 Freedom from addictive self-destructive behaviors
11 Sexual satisfaction
12 Spending time with my family
13 Being grounded & content in my life
14 Foster learning and creative outlets
15 Stay fit for life
16 Honesty
17 Establishing a new intimacy with my wife
18 Building trust with my family
19 Transparency
20 Allowing myself to be safely vulnerable
21 Being financially secure
22 Transformation
23 Developing self-respect
24 Having a vision for my marriage
25 Acceptance of who I am
26 Purpose for my life
27 Loving my wife
28 Achieving stability in my life
29 Dedicate myself to transforming my life for the better
30 Being fully present
31 Feeling excited about sex
32 Be a well respected employee
33 Feeling security in my job
34 Live a life that is values based
35 Helping my wife feel the security she deserves
36 Being competent at my job
37 Follow my convictions
38 Living with compassion
39 Wholeness
40 Deep interest in other's well-being
41 Focus on others
42 Unconditional love
43 Restoring the respect of my family
44 Seeing the long term vision for my life
45 Keep things in perspective
46 Have passion for life…it is a gift
47 Be an inspiration for others
48 Freedom to dream
49 Having friends
50 Getting back to nature
51 Having pride in my work contributions
52 Being part of a community
53 Finish more of what I start


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2020 2:36 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
Lesson 5 - Top fifteen values:

1 Living a life of integrity
2 Committed to improving my marriage
3 Being a good father and role model for my sons
4 Growing in my knowledge of God
5 Developing an emotional maturity
6 Becoming my authentic self
7 Building a deeper relationship with my sons
8 Pursuing adventures in life
9 Establishing optimism for my future
10 Freedom from addictive self-destructive behaviors
11 Sexual satisfaction
12 Spending time with my family
13 Being grounded & content in my life
14 Foster learning and creative outlets
15 Stay fit for life


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2020 2:44 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
Lesson 6 - Proactive Action Planning:

Spending Time With My Family:
- Call each of my sons at least 1-time each week
- Text each of my sons at least 1-time each week
- Call my brother Tom at least once every 2 weeks

Stay Fit For Life:
- Drink more water (replace soda)
- Eat smaller portions (Lose 30 lbs)
- Exercise 3 times per week (for at least 30 min)
- 50 Sit-ups
- 50 Push-ups
- Curls with dumbbells

Growing In My Knowledge of God
- Start a new bible study
- Pray each week with a sincerity in my heart


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2020 5:33 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
1 Living a life of integrity
-Maintain 100% honesty with Amy
-Stay true to your goal of wholeness
-Eliminate any secrecy in my marriage

2 Commitment to improving my marriage
-Stay aware of ""bad moods""
-Make love 1x week min.
-Speak to Amy in her love language: Affirmation/Touch
-Keep my eyes and heart pure
-Plan a romantic evening for New Years Eve

3 Being a good father and role model for my sons
-Show genuine concern about their wellbeing
-Demonstrate love and respect for Amy
-Give them a transformed father
-Spend more 1:1 time with them
-Be more transparent about the changes I hope to see
-Stay better connected to events/activities in their world

4 Growing in my knowledge of God
-Start a new study
-Pray each week with a humble heart

5 Developing an emotional maturity
-Consider the needs of others
-Keep things in perspective / Long range plan
-Don't always wear my emotions on my sleeve

6 Becoming my authentic self
-Stay aware of ""bad moods""
-Make love 1x week min.
-Speak to Amy in her love language: Affirmation/Touch
-Keep my eyes and heart pure

7 Building a deeper relationship with my sons
-Apologize for my short comings
-Stay more connected (phone, txt, live)
-Discuss topics of substance
-Let them know how much they are loved
-Focus on being fully present

8 Pursuing adventures in life
-Establish new location for boat
-Plan camping trip with Airstream
-Plan new hike with boys, Russ
-Plan ski weekend with Amy
-Plan to finish the basement

9 Establishing optimism for my future
-Stay disciplined regarding my RN recovery program
-Stay focused on the long term, not short term results
-Keep track of my progress
-Imagine/Visualize the new person I want to be
-Find my gratitude for all that I have

10 Freedom from addictive self-destructive behaviors
-Track my progress
-Recognize my triggers
-Avoid the ""slippery slope"" in both thoughts & deeds
-Remember the consistently destructive nature of these behaviors
-Understand that these behaviors are mere ""shortcuts""

11 Sexual satisfaction
-Maintain a regular weekly schedule of making love
-Take a low dose of viagra every other day
-Initiate sex more often

12 Spending time with my family
-Call each son 1xweek
-Text each son 1xweek
-Call Tom
-Call Bob

13 Being grounded & content in my life
-Keep track of all I have to be grateful for
-Remember that I am not perfect and I don't have to be perfect
-Enjoy your wife and your life
-Remember to smell the fresh air
-Be present and enjoy the moment
-Remember that I have responsibility over my happiness
...the future is always ready to be made

14 Foster learning and creative outlets
-Collect the memories of your life (video/pics) and revisit w/family
-Take some professional development courses
-Learn about my father's WWII experience in New Guinea
-Read a book about maintaining a good marriage

15 Stay fit for life
-make water to drink
-Hydroxy cut
-Eat smaller portions
-Exercise (bike) 3x week (30 min)
-Do curls with dumbells
-50 push-ups
-50 Sit-ups


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 30, 2020 10:21 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 119
Hi MyRealSelf

Welcome to RN and well done on starting this journey. I enjoyed reading your first few posts and seeing you articulate your vision of a changed life. At this point in time that can seem like a long way away, but stick with this workshop, fully engage with it and you will start to reap the rewards over time.

The important thing is to try and embed your values into your life as much as possible so that they become front and centre stage. The first time round I missed the instruction to take out my values list and read through them every time I sensed a desire to return to compulsive behaviours. When I started to do that it made a huge difference in my transition to a healthy way of life. My values were no longer theoretical but applied in a concrete way to the decisions that I made in life. Keep your values at the centre of this whole journey and you won't go wrong. And remember that they will inevitably change over time as you start to recover a sense of pride and resolve in yourself and discover new horizons. That is a good and healthy sign.

Keep up the good work.

Tim


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 30, 2020 8:16 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
Lesson 10
IV - List of places where stashed items for sexually compulsive behavior:
1. iPhone - access to google search/sexy gifs / non-nude websites

V. - List of people used for sexually compulsive behavior:
1. Teri - sex
2. Myra - sex
3. Vicky - Kiss
4. Liz - email/pics
5. Toni - email/flirt
6. Sandra - Kiss
7. Elizabeth - Flirt
8. Beth - sex
9. Cyndi - Flirt
10. Kelly - Sex
11. Shelly (prostitute) - sex
12. Paola - sex
13. Mimi D - flirt/pics
14. Guyathri - kiss/flirt
15. Jennifer - kiss/flirt
16. Strippers - sex
17. Multiple escorts - sex
18. Kate - flirt
19. Multiple chats/pics from websites - flirts
20. Woman from my first year of marriage in Topeka - sex
21. Prostitute in Brazil - sex
22. Hook up in Columbus - sex

VI Places I go to act out:
1. Strip clubs (Penthouse club, Trumps club)
2. Basement (porn)
3. Teri's apartment
4. Truck - Jennifer, Myra, porn
5. Candlewood Suites - Myra
6. Bathroom - porn


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 12, 2020 8:46 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
Patterns I recognize in myself in relation to an unhealthy recovery
I believe that I am uniquely defective and/or damaged as a human being
I believe that I have suffered so many consequences from their compulsive behavior, that it will be impossible for me to reach my lifetime goals
I believe that what I am experiencing is my fate
I find comfort in being able to use "powerlessness" as an excuse for continuing to engage in my behavior.
I find comfort in knowing that I can play the "relapse card" should I ever be caught acting out

I believe that I’m suffering from a disease that is beyond my control, but not beyond all hope.
Depression, anxiety, anger — they are all tightly related to "recovery"
I believe that I am defective in the sense that my emotions, urges, impulses, etc. are experienced with much more intensity than "normal people".
I perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over my life, but a limited powerlessness over my urges.
I consistently measure the success of my recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
I often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out — extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred. Or, I experience very mild emotions — when it has become a pattern that I have resolved to accept as a part of my life.
Significant others tend to experience these individuals as exhausting.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2020 2:53 pm 
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Posts: 14
Lesson 14: Daily Monitoring

1. Was I 100% honesty with Amy today?

2. Did I stay disciplined regarding my RN recovery program?

3. Was I aware of my "bad moods”? (If yes, did I visualize my safe place?)

4. Did I speak to Amy in her love language: Affirmation/Touch?

5. Did I avoid the "slippery slope" in both thoughts & deeds by course correcting as needed?

6. Did I remember to smell the fresh air?

7. Am I on a path to exercise (bike) 3x week (30 min)

8. Did I make love in the last 7 days?

9. Did I spend time with God in either church, prayer, or study?
10. Have I talked with each son in the last 7 days?


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2020 3:23 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 119
Hi MyRealSelf

I just want to say well done on continuing to work through the lessons. It can be all too easy to slacken off the effort, especially at such a busy time of the year as this. Thanks for your honesty in completing the exercises in Lesson 10. It takes a lot of courage to do that and I hope that it was a useful experience for you. I was interested in how you responded to this challenge in Lesson 10:

Quote:
II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.


Its not at all easy to move from that place of deceitful and secretive behaviour over so many years to a place of honesty and healing, but it's an absolute 'must' in your ongoing journey towards health. I notice that this below was at the top of your daily monitoring tasks. You have identified this as your most important ongoing task. Now make sure that you follow through with it in your daily life.

Quote:
1. Was I 100% honesty with Amy today?


I wish you all the best as you start on this exercise of daily monitoring, and keep up the good work.

Stay safe.

Tim


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2020 3:40 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:30 pm
Posts: 14
Thank you, Coach! I want to make honesty a bedrock for all of my other actions. Honesty with others and honesty with myself. I appreciate the kind words of support! Thanks again!!

d


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 22, 2020 11:37 am 
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Posts: 14
Q:Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life. Share this in your personal thread.

A: I've learned that my compulsive behavior is "fixable" (despite my age) and that my goal no longer to control the behaviors but rather to REPLACE them with a values-based life. I have found that achieving my true self is possible when I learn to think beyond my compulsion and focus on real values that I want in my life.
I've also learned that the initial excitement of recovery fades after a couple weeks and that's the point at which I need to consciously choose to focus on developing my life values vs. engaging in my compulsive behaviors. I still have a lot to learn and I know that the hardest part is still yet to come but I'm grateful for this program and am humbly optimistic about my success.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 1:15 pm 
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Posts: 14
Lesson 16: Positive aspects of my addiction
-Having multiple partners made me feel attractive to the opposite sex.
-It was a way of keeping my options open to fantasize about other women
-I didn't feel whole unless I was engaging in pornography & masturbation.
-It compensated for dissatisfying sex life
-I enjoyed the thrill of exploring a new sexual encounter or image.


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