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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2021 11:47 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson One

Tuesday, December 22, 2020
5:15 PM

A.
1)Actively Committing to change:
I recognize that in the past, I have used the idea of "being in recovery" to soothe my feeling of guilt, or even helplessness. I have derailed myself too many times by feeling better and acting better but not finishing the job of actively gaining and using the tools necessary to have the life that I want. That is free of all the distractions of compulsive behavior that ultimately prevent me from this life and create more of the chaos that I don't want. I consciously know that being cornered into rehabbing myself is a fools quest. I take responsibility and commit myself to doing things differently and…
2) Not allowing my shame to take the wheel in recovery. I need to take the time to feel my emotions and process them, but maybe using this as fuel to stay committed to recovery and change.
3) I have a unique opportunity right now to commit to the time it takes, however long that may be. I have to make sure that as I get my life back, that I don't lose focus or momentum
B.
Reasons for change:
- I will no longer shoot myself in the foot when my life is going well
- I will no longer maintain an under current of chaos that is festering. The sense of impending doom will be gone
- I will be able to finish what I've started
- I will build my business to it's potential
- I will be worthy of love
- I will be capable of true intimacy
- I will experience life through clear vision, in real time, being present
- I will have an honest life, from myself and others
- I will have time by not wasting it in my head
- I will be able to handle the stresses of life better
- I can have the life that I am meant to have
- I can stop the pain that cause myself and the people who care for me
- I can have better relationships
- I can have transparency and honesty, knowing that I am giving it myself

C.
That child…
Was free, simple, easy. how do I protect him? What did he have then, that I need now? Was that really me? Is that still me?


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2021 11:48 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Two

Wednesday, December 23, 2020
1:58 AM

My Vision.
To have a life of integrity. Free from addiction and that which holds me back.
I want to look back at my life and see that I was able to be someone who could be trusted.
I want to be the person that my wife thought that she had married. I cannot value my place as a husband because that is gone, I don’t value finding a replacement. I do value my commitment to her, too much time and energy has passed and I will always try to help in any way that I can.
A good role model for my daughter. To always let her know that she has a safe place to land and solid guidance.
Someone who pursued their dreams and wasn't afraid to change course to find professional success.
I want to know that I saw the beauty of nature.
That I was able to slow down when I needed to so as to appreciate the depth of the world around me.
Fair. Treating all people with respect.
Creative. As a chef and musician. Finish songs, continue to create.
Comfortable in my own skin, no matter my surroundings.
Healthy. Physically and mentally. Lose weight, live longer.
Financially secure. Build and maintain my business.
Learning. Always trying to make myself better through educating myself. Reading.
Fun. Someone who people like to be around. Able to find humor where it exists.
Unafraid. Of the unknown, of success.
A good friend. That was able to listen first, and only counsel when asked.
Present. Always, not missing out on life as it happens.
Appreciative. To let myself feel and understand those things that I've achieved.
Always devoted to bettering myself.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2021 11:49 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Three

Wednesday, December 23, 2020
2:51 AM

1. Integrity
2. Trustworthiness
3. Honesty
4. Presence
5. Dependability
6. Commitment
7. Accepting Responsibility
8. Being a good father
9. Entrepreneurism
10. Feeling Challenged
11. Financial Freedom
12. Individualism
13. Appreciating nature
14. Appreciating art, architecture, music
15. Being open minded, treating people fairly
16. Finishing what I've started
17. Being a creative chef type
18. Nourishing people
19. Being self disciplined
20. Being healthy
21. Feeling Emotions, being happy but not at the expense of feeling other emotions
22. Being Organized
23. Learning, Reading
24. Personal Growth
25. Having Fun
26. Humor
27. Unafraid
28. Adventurist
29. Friendship
30. Selflessness
31. Charity
32. Appreciative
33. Spirituality
34. Being Patient
35. Being a good son
36. Being a good brother
37. Being a good uncle
38. Striving for excellence
39. Wisdom
40. Resourcefulness
41. Adaptability
42. Communicative
43. Developing honest relationships
44. Reality
45. Conflict Resolution
46. Mindfulness
47. Pets/ Animals
48. Music
49. Food
50. Learning to Celebrate
51. Creating and Maintaining Boundaries
52. Life Balance
53. Work Balance
54. Compassion
55. Dedication
56. Intellectualism
57. Quality

PART TWO
The values that hurt:
Looking for acceptance from others, physical attraction outside vindication or notoriety. Trying to stand out, gain attention. Showing off. Feeling Desired, needed. Wanting Power, control. Misguided sense of Intimacy and how to have it.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2021 11:50 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Four

Wednesday, December 23, 2020
3:29 AM

1. Integrity
2. Trustworthiness
3. Honesty
4. Presence
5. Reality
6. Creating and Maintaining Boundaries
7. Being a good father
8. Personal Growth
9. Being self disciplined
10. Accepting Responsibility
11. Dependability
12. Commitment
13. Feeling Emotions, being happy but not at the expense of feeling other emotions
14. Being open minded, treating people fairly
15. Entrepreneurism
16. Financial Freedom
17. Being healthy
18. Being Organized
19. Learning, Reading
20. Wisdom
21. Humor
22. Feeling Challenged
23. Individualism
24. Having Fun
25. Selflessness
26. Charity
27. Spirituality
28. Being a good son
29. Being Patient
30. Compassion
31. Dedication
32. Intellectualism
33. Friendship
34. Appreciating art, architecture, music

35. Appreciating nature
36. Being a creative chef type
37. Nourishing people
38. Unafraid
39. Adventurist
40. Appreciative
41. Being a good brother
42. Being a good uncle
43. Striving for excellence
44. Resourcefulness
45. Adaptability
46. Communicative
47. Conflict Resolution
48. Mindfulness
49. Pets/ Animals
50. Music
51. Food
52. Life Balance
53. Learning to Celebrate
54. Quality
55. Work Balance
56. Developing honest relationships


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2021 11:51 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
esson Five

Wednesday, December 23, 2020
11:38 PM

1. Integrity
2. Trustworthiness
3. Honesty
4. Presence
5. Reality
6. Creating and Maintaining Boundaries
7. Being a good father
8. Personal Growth
9. Being self disciplined
10. Accepting Responsibility
11. Being healthy
12. Feeling Emotions, being happy but not at the expense of feeling other emotions
13. Dependability
14. Commitment
15. Entrepreneurism
16. Being open minded, treating people fairly
17. Financial Freedom
18. Being Organized
19. Intellectualism; Learning, Reading
20. Wisdom
21. Humor
22. Individualism
23. Having Fun
24. Selflessness
25. Spirituality
26. Being a good son
27. Being Patient
28. Compassion
29. Friendship
30. Work Balance
31. Appreciating art, architecture, music
32. Appreciating nature
33. Being a creative chef type
34. Nourishing people
35. Adventurist
36. Appreciative
37. Being a good brother
38. Being a good uncle
39. Striving for excellence
40. Resourcefulness
41. Adaptability
42. Communicative
43. Mindfulness
44. Pets/ Animals
45. Music
46. Food
47. Life Balance
48. Learning to Celebrate
49. Quality
50. Developing honest relationships

Some of the difficulty in being practical and not idealistic that I'm having right now is that my life is on hold in many ways. Understanding the affects of my actions on others and building boundaries around these values is the job of the day.
There are things that I think that I value beyond this list, but my life seems pretty narrow right now.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2021 11:52 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Six

Saturday, December 26, 2020
1:39 AM

Proactive Action Plan for Presence:
• Staying away from my phone
• Giving my daughter my undivided attention when doing projects, not just making her figure things out
• Concentrate on daily chores fully while doing them
• No movies
• Have step by steps for projects.ie, I'm going to go through these 4 boxes in the garage and not get distracted by what's in them or the other 20 boxes that must be gone through
• Above all, stop everything when my wife needs my attention. Communicate if she gets too far ahead of what I need to do

Proactive Plan for Trustworthiness:
• Leave phone on counter at all times
• Answer every question
• Do not minimize
• When I think of something that is unpleasant (even bills or non relationship or related) do not hide from it
• Be upfront about what I need in finding a place to stay
• Be honest about how I feel to my mother
• Answer questions from my daughter, if they are inappropriate, tell her why I don't feel like it's a good topic
• Be meaningful in things that I do around the house. Not doing one thing to avoid another.

Proactive Action Plan for Entrepreneurism:
• Finish categorizing receipts
• Research tax needs
• 4th Qtr Taxes
• Research when to switch to LLC


Last edited by Solace on Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2021 11:53 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Seven

Saturday, December 26, 2020
2:08 AM

PROACTIVE ACTION PLANS

1. Integrity
• Doing what I say
• Saying what I'm doing/ thinking
• Doing things with purpose
• Not manipulating convos or circumstances

2. Trustworthiness
• Leave phone on counter at all times
• Answer every question
• Do not minimize
• When I think of something that is unpleasant (even bills or non relationship or related) do not hide from it
• Be upfront about what I need in finding a place to stay
• Be honest about how I feel to my mother
• Answer questions from my daughter, if they are inappropriate, tell her why I don't feel like it's a good topic
• Be meaningful in things that I do around the house. Not doing one thing to avoid another.

3. Honesty
• No lies of omission
• Not waiting for an explicit question to be asked
• Looking for ways to increase trust by telling her things before she asks
• No lying


4. Presence
• Staying away from my phone
• Giving my daughter my undivided attention when doing projects, not just making her figure things out
• Concentrate on daily chores fully while doing them
• Have step by steps for projects.ie, I'm going to go through these 4 boxes in the garage and not get distracted by what's in them or the other 20 boxes that must be gone through
• Above all, stop everything when Melissa needs my attention. Communicate if she gets too far ahead of what I need to do

5. Reality
• Not letting my mind wander
• Not losing time watching tv/movies
• No random online surfing

6. Creating and Maintaining Boundaries
• Doing the workshops
• Looking for times that I react in healthy Value based decisions vs reactive behavior based
7. Being a good father
• Being present and patient with daughter
• Checking on her mental health daily
• Making time for one on one activities
• Following up on college admission stuff

8. Personal Growth
• Doing workshop daily
• Doing Daily Maintenance
• Researching RSE material
• Staying organized and on point

9. Being self disciplined
• Sticking to my daily lists
• Finishing projects in timely manner
• Taking time to work on values/action plans

10. Accepting Responsibility
• Knowing that addiction has stolen so much time and energy from myself and my family and my business, I must follow through in my plans
• Taking time to talk with my wife about effects of my addiction and how to change behavior
• Not over reacting to consequences

11. Being healthy
• Eating regularly
• Stretching in the morning
• Going for walks
• Following my lessons from RN
12. Feeling Emotions, being happy but not at the expense of feeling other emotions
• Slowing down and letting myself feel a wide range of emotions, on real time
• Learning to be happy and successful without sabotaging myself

13. Dependability
• Doing what I say that I'm going to do. From meal planning to bill paying to sticking to my plan
• Not putting off things to do later. If I tell my daughter that we're going to do X at X time… do it

14. Commitment
• Stand my commitments to my family
• Make plans and follow through with work by setting deadlines
• Work on business every day

15. Entrepreneurism
• Finish categorizing receipts
• Research tax needs
• 4th Qtr Taxes
• Research when to switch to LLC


Last edited by Solace on Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:02 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Twelve

Tuesday, December 29, 2020
10:49 PM

I can recognize the on again off again pattern to my wellness/ recovery.
Minor relapses are met with shame and disgust that stop the behavior, for a time.
Without putting forth any work to pick apart the things that led to the behavior. I've considered this as a white knuckling approach.
Finding myself in a major relapse has sent me back to the beginning of the workshop. Not just find what I glossed over or missed entirely, but to build a better base to remove the addiction entirely.
I have to take extra time to connect the dots between shocking myself into halting behavior and perhaps the need to get caught to fully appreciate the damage of my behaviors and exact change.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:02 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirteen

Tuesday, December 29, 2020
10:55 PM

I can identify most with those in middle recovery.
Testing the waters is something that I have done to my detriment in the past.
I understand that any thoughts towards destructive behavior is an opportunity to make a conscious choice, so far I have made the right choice.
Depression from deepening my understanding of what Melissa is going through tampers any feeling of accomplishment or feeling good about myself right now.
On some level I can get that what matters is what I do now, but I'm dealing with the fallout, which I see as being present, which is a very important value to me.
Being open and honest, I fall on the side of saying its something that I will think about if I don’t know why I did something or if something is related to a chain


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:03 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Fourteen

Wednesday, December 30, 2020
10:45 PM

DAILY MONITORING
1. Did I act with integrity today?
2. Was I truthful? Especially with my wife?
3. Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
• If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
• Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
• If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
4. Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with my wife today?
• If not, how many days has it been since I have?
5. Was I attentive to my wife's needs today?

6. Was I present in my time with my daughter today?
7. Did I engage in any activities that stile my time or that I got sidetracked while doing it?
• If so, did I recognize it and take actions to stop it?
8. Did I work on the guitar?
9. Did I react apropritely to stressors or anything that came up unexpectedly?
10. Did I finish my list of things to do?
11. Did I plan for ay proactive resopnses today?
12. How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?


Last edited by Solace on Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:04 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Fifteen

Saturday, January 02, 2021
11:29 PM

What I've learned

That my behavior was spawned out of feelings of embarrassment, guilt, these feelings that I had were considered bad and secrecy around them formed.
I have thought of my values list often throughout the day. When I feel that my mind is wandering, I stop to think about why and end the chain before it goes farther.
I have the power to make better choices.
The things that I wanted most in my life were hampered or destroyed by my addictive behavior, creating a self defeating cycle that protected my addiction above my values and created all the chaos that I didn't want.
My quest for immediate gratification is narcissistic and must be removed


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:05 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Sixteen

Saturday, January 02, 2021
11:34 PM

Originally, the use of fantasy was in practical terms, to keep me from the destructive effects of having sex too young. As a teen, unwanted pregnancy, STDs, chaos in relationships, regret from partners or self. These could be avoided by acting out in my head instead of reality.
Through life, it provided a sense of control, when there was none. The affects of the drug and the need to keep a constant flow seemed to help manage stress.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:06 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Seventeen

Saturday, January 02, 2021
11:55 PM

Masturbation:
• Sensory: of course
• Orgasm/ accomplishment
• Power/ manipulation of my thoughts but also others
• Danger/ maintaining secrecy
• Suspense/ will I or wont I go through with it
• Poly addictions/ use of caffeine to stimulate my brain and food as part of the chain in the way that I am compulsive in eating
• Fantasy/ biggest overt tool
• Past/ in the sense that I've built these behaviors over the course of my life and the rituals are deeply in place
• Other compulsive rituals get incorporated: like the food thing, scanning the internet, playing games on my phone, the way I go about doing daily chores


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:07 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Eighteen

Sunday, January 03, 2021
4:27 PM

Time: the time threshold is something that I passed a long time ago. Having a masturbation session last longer than a few minutes is something that I stopped doing but the rituals surrounding to lead up got longer


Habituation: In order to keep the fantasies from getting stale, I would rotate situations or partners in my head

Intensity: Was derived from the fear of getting caught and also by expanding into looking at pictures on Facebook of Google before hand then sometimes during

I know what I am capable of in expanding the roles of these elements and it motivates me to stop the rituals here.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:08 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Nineteen

Sunday, January 03, 2021
4:45 PM

Being hyper aware of what Im doing throughout the day, and why I'm doing it.


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