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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:09 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty

Sunday, January 03, 2021
10:54 PM

2) If I go on in life without eradicating the addiction:
First, it would create a split with my wife that would end our marriage immediately. More than that, the loss of her in my life would remove a stabilizing force and voice in my life that would be replaced with the unrealistic fantasy driven dialog in my head.
My daughter would lose a respect for me that I would not get back.
I would go on in life not fulfilling my dreams of having a successful business because the compulsive behavior would rob my time and energy.
I would either retreat into my head and let the fantasies take over, or find myself in relationships that headed nowhere as I would seek out people that I perceived as being as fucked up or more fucked up than me. This is what I would attract.
I would head into old age alone, bitter, and frustrated that my life didn’t turn out the way I thought it should.
I would die alone with nothing to show for my life but wasted opportunities.


Last edited by Solace on Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:10 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty-One

Sunday, January 03, 2021
10:54 PM

A) Goal that I didn’t achieve: Ending sex addiction. I failed because I did not have actionable plans for how I would handle stress or real life situations. I did not finish building the foundation that I needed to stand on and ended up holding on to the addiction and protecting it through secrecy that let it fester. Again, I did not ingrain positive reactions and though I felt better for a time, the addiction was just waiting to reemerge

B) Goal that I did achieve: having a career in broadcasting. I got there by having short, achievable steps that got me through school and focused on the goal when things got tedious or less exciting. I did not let myself fall into the trap of self doubt or listen to people who told me that I couldn’t get a job at the bigger stations or the bigger position. I also put in the work during overnights and holidays and stayed late and never turned down a project that would give me the experience that I needed.

C) Recovery Goal: 90 days of abstinence.
One day at a time
Interrupting patterns of compulsivity that lead to past actions. Changing morning routines, setting daily goals, spending time on workshops and monitoring daily.
Developing and defining values and actually thinking about them throughout the day


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:10 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty Two

Monday, January 04, 2021
4:41 PM

Masterbation
Primary elements involved:
Physical Stimulation, Fantasy, Suspence,Orgasm

Values assigned:
Physical Stimulation:3
Fantasy:2
Suspense:1
Orgasm:3

Filters Applied:
Physical Stimulatio:
Time: Raised the stimulation, can be passed as a threshold-7
Intensity: has been a routine of sorts-1
Habituation: almost makes the stimulation lower: 1

Fantasy:
Time: Does not seem to have a theshold-5
Intensity: I have learned how to crank up the intensity-6
Hab- They become routine-3

Suspense:
Time: used to look for stimulation, too much time can take the ritual off track-6
Intensity: tops out early-5
Hab-not a real affect-1

Orgasm:
Time: happens in a moment, but at times it can be prolonged:3
Intesity- inconstistent-8
Hab- 2


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:11 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty Three

Tuesday, January 05, 2021
3:15 PM

Practical Uses for Measuring
1. Gets me to think more clinically about my behaviors and emotions, often stopping my train of thought from going down the wrong track

Gives me a chance to take a break of sorts to focus on my values as I defined them. I literally think about the words on the page

I get a broader sense of what my behaviors have done to affect my life and those around me. It really points to the selfish nature and that it is not how I want to live my life

I can see the choices and where they were made. Things do not just happen

Assigning number values makes me think about the why behind my actions


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:12 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty Four

Tuesday, January 05, 2021
4:56 PM

1. SEXUAL COMPULSION WHEEL
• Fantasy
• Orgasm
• Sensory-Vision,touch
• Danger-will I get caught
• Suspense-looking for pictures
• Accomplishment
• Power- manipulating fantasy situations
• Past- rejection fear of emotions and healthy sexual habits
• Poly Addictions- compulsive behavior associated with eating, caffeine and cigarettes are all accomidating to my actions
2. Masturbation
• Fantasy- think up a situation that Ive been in and redo it so that it ends up as a sexual act
• Orgasm- ends with orgasm
• Sensory- touching myself, looking at pictures or just visualizing a scene
• Danger- making sure that I don’t get caught in the act
• Suspense- of flipping through pics on facebook or google to find something stimulating
• Accomplishement- of going through entire ritual
• Power- being in complete control of the situation in my mind
• Past- not a primary part, but the role of feeling rejected and the fear of having sex and regretting it
• Poly Addict- surely the role of eating smoking and coffee in the morning are all compulsive in how I go about it and that sets me up for other compulsive rituals

Sex- Fastasy, thinking of other women, postitions
Orgasm- completes ritual
Sensory, touch, smell.visual, sounds
Danger- whe having sex in a car or more public place
Suspense- will it happen or not
Accomplishment- having gone through with it
Power- controlling the situation, manipulation to get sex
Past- fears of rejection or not doing it well


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:13 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty-Five

Wednesday, January 06, 2021
7:10 PM

Compulsive Ritual; Masturbating
This ritual starts with me creating an experience in real life that I can play out as a fantasy later, inappropriate conversations at work, perhaps a hug or comment that went unchecked. I create a bank this way so the inappropriate things are definitely a part of my ritual
1. Wake up thinking of past fantasy
2. Go through morning rituals of emails, banking, news, solitaire
3. Replay fantasy in my head, or look ofr images until urge builds
4. Stimulate myself
5. Go to bathroom and work up fantasy until erect
6. Masturbate until orgasm
7. Clean up
8. Feel guilty, rationalize


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:14 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty-Six

Wednesday, January 06, 2021
7:34 PM

1. Talk to attractive woman
2. Start looking her over, taking in all aspects of her body
3. Make the conversation more light, complement her
4. Say something humorous but inappropriate and gauge her response as to how far to go
5. Get excited and aroused
6. End conversation once it gets too serious or once I have the fantasy kibble that I need.
7. Think about the interaction throughout the day, expanding on what was said into what else could have been said
8. Think about how it could have gotten physical, how she could have undressed or touched me
9. Go home, act as if nothing happened and convince myself that it wasn’t a slip since nothing more than a conversation happened
10. Go to bed thinking about all the scenarios I conjured up earlier and expanding on them
11. Get aroused, touch myself as I lay in bed
12. Eventually fall asleep
13. Wake up thinking about best scenario that I came up with
14. Get aroused
15. Make sure wife is busy with work
16. Go to bathroom and ramp up thinking about sexual acts and what her body is like
17. Masturbate as I focus on singular sex act and how she would respond
18. Orgasm
19. Clean up carefully
20. Feel satisfied that I did not cheat on wife, but still feel bad for jerking off and orgasm.
21. Get back to day and start all over


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:14 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty-Seven

Friday, January 08, 2021
5:17 PM

1. Combining the rituals of voyeurism, that doesn’t require masturbation for achievement, with the masturbation ritual to enhance both. Both have been used separately then combined when neither on their own produced the amount of stimulus that I was craving.
2. Using the rituals like compulsively going through my emails then bank accounts, then news feeds, then solitaire all set up feeling busy or over stimulating my brain that sets me up for the SA rituals of fantasy and masturbation


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:15 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty-Eight

Saturday, January 09, 2021
3:48 PM

Most recent acting out chain:
• NYE, felt emotional raw
• My wife was hanging out in the house with us, I felt guilty for the tension but good about her being willing to participate.
• 12:00, she embraces me. It was warm and loving and true and what ive been craving for a long time. Not sexual in any way.
• I feel that I;ve been given permission for physical touch, so I hug her later, when we're along and start to get excited and aroused
• Start asking for permission by asking about how she feels and am I just making this up in head or what.
• Start to intensify feeling stimulated and become laser focused on having something happen
• Rationalize that since Im being present in my head, everything is fine.
• Lay her down on the bed and start touching her all over.
• Bring her to orgasm. Feel much accomplished.
• She brings me to orgasm, feel almost overwhelmed by stimulation.
• Restart rationalization
• ( I don’t relize until my lesson the day that I was totally acting like a drug addict that found another drug to use
Possible added elements: getting naked before being in the bed, use of sex toys, music, lighting, fantasy thoughts


Last edited by Solace on Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:16 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Twenty-Nine

Saturday, January 09, 2021
4:06 PM

I thought about the highs in my life, meeting my wife, getting married, getting my first job in radio, going to school, Maddies birth, being with my sister and her family, being with my family… I feel accomplished, whole, warm, full, easy, filled with excitement about the possibilities, love, everything is brighter, life has a crispness and quality to it
I thought about the lows… Losing my job, losing my Dad, the first D day, the last one, losing my house… I feel like the floor has fallen out from beneath me, empty, my legs feel like jello, uncertain, lost, everything is gloomy and dark and shame
I thought about fantasizing… I feel myself slip away from reality, to an alternate reality of a previous experience. Instead of unease or uncertain, I feel in control as the situation goes the way I wanted it to. I feel the excitement bubble up in me, I am aware that I am here and that I don’t want to get caught, the anxiety pushes me forward. I start to feel warmer and more complete. I feel the urge to push myself further. I am excited and feel good physically.
I wonder if I will get fully erect and stop myself from going further. My heart is pounding.
I sit down to write this and the urge passes. This is a difficult exercise but I have some practice at urge control and that makes me feel stronger than my urges.


Last edited by Solace on Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:17 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty

Saturday, January 09, 2021
11:58 PM

Deepening my awareness of the connection between my emotions and values.
Not a writing assignment


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:18 am 
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Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty-One

Sunday, January 10, 2021
11:56 PM

A) Stressors from the last week:
• State of the US=Severe to extreme
• State of my marriage- extreme
• Breaking addiction- extreme
• Worrying about business- moderate
• Keeping up with the house- mild
• Car problem- moderate
• Spending- moderate
• Friends- mild
B) My higher priorities are there to help balance myself in the issues around my marriage and recovery. The turmoil in the nation can be interpreted as an assault on integrity and truth and presence. Presence being the one that helps me not get too absorbed by it. Entrepreneurism is becoming a higher value as I turn my attention back to the business and is higher than reflected in my values list. My friends di not rank as high, but now that I know about the trouble in their relationships, the value is higher.
C) I see that the tools for balancing the stress are there, but acknowledge that the real life priorities are higher than I first thought


Last edited by Solace on Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:18 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty-Two

Monday, January 11, 2021
9:20 PM

I have surprisingly touched on pretty much all of my proactive plans. Going back to them, I realize that my focus shifts and I should be more thorough or consistent. I have to do a better job of keeping myself on track without relying on list=making, which traps me with it's false gratification.
The biggest thing for me now is finding out how to help Melissa reform her values, beyond just not making things worse/


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:23 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty-Three

Monday, January 11, 2021
9:52 PM

Consciously looking for developmental opportunities for a week:
Day One: I anticipated the stressors related to getting my car fixed. When I got the diagnosis and what they would do for me, it was not the reckless intensity that Ive had in the past.
2. Choosing to turn off the TV and listen to music in a very present and direct way. I noted that the TV makes me anxious and listened to my body tell me that it was wasting time and energy
3. Spent 2.5 hours in the garage organizing. I have realized that the value of organization has not been attended to enough
4. Went to Youtube to look for ways to cut puff pastry. Saw a comedy video and clicked on it, I saw that I was being distracted and went to look at puff pastry video. Did a workout on my daughters video game. Did not get drawn in to looking at instructor, was actually kind of thrown off my the animation
5. Relaxing with my wife. Laid down in bed together, no tv, lights down low. Started to realize the draw of old ritual chains. Remembered how much we've talked about not messing up the long term goal of intimacy by giving in to the short term goal of immediate gratification. Had a peaceful, but brief, nap. We go up and talked about it openly and honestly and I feel that we may yet be able to have the full life that we deserve.


Last edited by Solace on Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty-Four

Monday, January 11, 2021
10:16 PM

A. A co worker had been flirting with me for months, as it had escalated, she asked me to meet her in the parking lot and I did. We ended up driving to a vacant parking lot and she gave me a blow job. I was in disbelief that I had let it happen, but I was so consumed with lust that I did not do anything to stop it. I could not stop the desire. The rush of adrenaline and hormones left me quaking. I ended up having a seven month affair with her.
B. The anxiety of stopping myself from a compulsive act makes my heart race and makes me jumpy and irritable. I can be a real asshole to those around me. The frustration level builds to a crescendo as move into more productive activities like chores or playing guitar
C. The feeling that I experience while acting on a compulsive urge is hyper, heart racing and anxious. I enter a more trance like state as I search my mind for more and more stimulating memories or images


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