Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sat Feb 27, 2021 2:25 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 47 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:24 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty-Five

Tuesday, January 12, 2021
10:20 PM

My new daily monitoring will be placed on my desk where I will see it when I first get up (it’s the only piece of paper on my desk)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:25 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty-Six

Wednesday, January 13, 2021
12:17 AM

1. Having private conversations with co workers has led to inappropriate relationships and an affair
2. If a former employee comes up to my stand and wants to hug me, I will tell them that its god to see them, but not bend my boundaries


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:26 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty-Seven

Wednesday, January 13, 2021
10:24 PM

Truthfulness
1. I will not lie to my wife
2. I will not commit lies of omission
3. I will speak my mind in an appropriate way when others are saying things that I don’t agree with
4. I will say what I mean, not just what I think someone wants to hear.
5. I will not present myself in a way that makes me or my experiences better than they are

Integrity
1. I will act in the same manner as I think
2. I will act in ways that I wish people to act to me
3. I will not be sneaky
4. I will look to build relationships that are positive and rewarding for me and them
5. I will do the right thing

Health
1. I will rid myself of sexual compulsivity
2. I will eat healthier
3. I will listen to my body when I feel bad
4. I will take proactive steps to take care of my body, go to the Dr
5. I will quit smoking

Absolute Boundaries
1. I will not do anything to harm the well being of my wife and daughter
2. I will not jeopardize my business and always do what I think is best for the business
3. I will treat my wife as a partner in every sense


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:27 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Thirty-Eight

Wednesday, January 13, 2021
10:39 PM

If I am in a situation that is more business or transactional, or that is threatening, being sneaky or manipulative in some way may come into play. The more meaningful boundary is that I will not sneak into the kitchen, or look at something when my wife is not around


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 3:34 am 
Online
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 262
Hi Solace,

Welcome to Recovery Nation, this is with out a doubt one of the best programmes to help you in your recovery.
There are mentors & coaches here to help and assist you all along the way, if you have any questions, please make use of the "community support forum".

We recommend that you work try to complete about 3 lessons per week, although some take longer.
You seem to be flying at the moment and I can say that it would send warning bells to myself and my colleagues that you are potentially missing important parts of each lesson?
Maybe you started the workshop before you joined?
If that is the case then my tip would be not to post all your lessons up in one go as it is then hard for others to track your progress.
To quote the old cliche "It is a marathon, not a sprint"

Good luck with your recovery :g:

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 3:51 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Hi T, thanks for the quick response.
I've been working here for about a month, and thanks to Covid, I have a rare opportunity to put a large amount of energy in this. I've posted pretty much all of work, so the lessons will come in real time from here on out.
Sorry to dump all of my work at once.
Thanks again for reaching out,
Solace


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:20 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4020
Location: UK
Hi Solace
I add my welcome and also advice which mirrors that of Theseus
yes you have made a good positive start :g:
your reasons for change are positive
your vision is about you and is quite broad
these are great foundations but please do be aware of wanting to put the roof on before these foundations have settled

you have a lifetime , hopefully addiction free, in front of you, your commitment is evident , make sure it is long lived
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 17, 2021 8:37 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Thanks Kenzo,
I thought about what Theseus said and realize that I was manic about my approach. I was here about 10 years ago and relapsed. I came rushing back in here, frantically looking for the puzzle peice or peices that I was missing. Like turning over furniture and flipping over rugs looking for peices of a puzzle that I didn't finish a decade ago. Doesn't make sense in that light.
The peice that I missed was mostly the depth that is needed to fill me with value based decisions. Logically understanding addiction is great, but real change in a person happens when I can replace the decades of filling myself with bad and unhealthy choices with DEPTH of UNDERSTANDING myself and how I got here and what I need to rid myself to have a healthy and fulfilled life.
I am going back to see how I understand what I've worked on so far, and taking more time on each of lessons.
I get the importance of the order of the lessons and the peice I'm looking for is all of them.
Thanks to both of you for keeping an eye out for me, I really appreciate it. I was afraid that my login was never going to get approved and I was on my own.
Peace;
Solace


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2021 11:01 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Forty

Thursday, January 21, 2021
10:49 PM

My wife and I have been talking about boundaries… a lot.
I have bent her values and pushed her boundaries. Throughout it all, she is still strong and knows who she is.
I understand and appreciate her values and see that they match up nicely with the values that I have identified that I wish to strengthen and nurture.
We strive to communicate better, not just talk, we always talk. Communicate directly about our thoughts and needs.
If I step on a boundary of hers now, I will not respond with a defensive wall, as I have before. I know that I've done this too much and it prevents me from fully understanding what she feels. It does not mesh with my values of honesty and integrity to do anything differently than hear her out and see where I can do better to not brush up against her boundaries and threaten her values any more.
Understanding her boundaries can help me see when her boundaries need reinforcing as well as help her navigate a situation that she seems unsure of. Easier to do with a work scenario or family matter than something to do with me, but I am committed to seeing things through her eyes in ways that I have fallen short in the past.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:41 pm 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 119
Hi Solace

I'll add my welcome to that of the other mentors. Well done on your progress so far. As the others have said, try not to rush this workshop too much. Yes its important to keep going and to maintain a level of momentum, but its much more important to fully engage with the lessons and embed the learning in your life. You mentioned a few days ago about the danger of being a bit 'manic' in your approach to the workshop. That kind of energy will only take you so far, so do make sure that you stick with this for the long term and fully commit to the changes you seek. Its important to keep going back to your vision and remember exactly WHY you started out on this journey and what you have got to lose.

Solace wrote:
A. A co worker had been flirting with me for months, as it had escalated, she asked me to meet her in the parking lot and I did. We ended up driving to a vacant parking lot and she gave me a blow job. I was in disbelief that I had let it happen, but I was so consumed with lust that I did not do anything to stop it. I could not stop the desire. The rush of adrenaline and hormones left me quaking. I ended up having a seven month affair with her.


I noticed that you wrote the above in a previous lesson and especially your phrase that you "had let it happen", almost as if it was something over which you had no control whatsoever and it was entirely the fault of your colleague. You also wrote about how your co-worker was "flirting with you" beforehand, again as if you had nothing to do with it. I would suggest that it was a much more mutual process, and that a big part of this workshop is all about accepting YOUR responsibility for these events. I can totally identify with those feelings you describe of shaking and feeling your heart racing in the grip of compulsive behaviour, but this workshop makes it very clear that addictive behaviours are not somehow a mysterious power outwith our control. Over time I hope you come to realise that reality for yourself and see the real changes you so desperately want to make.

Well done again and keep up the good work.

Stay safe.

Tim


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:25 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Hi Tim,

I totally agree about my role in my affair. I guess I was writing from my foggy perspective if being an asshat.
An important lesson for me is that it matters not what other people around me do or think, I must be the same person in any situation, and my actions belong to me alone.
Thank you for reaching out and any feedback is heard and apreciated.

-Solace


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2021 11:42 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Forty-Five

Thursday, January 28, 2021
11:29 PM

Mapping out Ritual with Associated Emotions and Identifying the Point of No Return
1. Talk to attractive woman (Excitement)
2. Start looking her over, taking in all aspects of her body
3. Make the conversation more light, complement her
4. Say something humorous but inappropriate and gauge her response as to how far to go (anxiety, fear)
5. Get excited and aroused
6. End conversation once it gets too serious or once I have the fantasy kibble that I need. (anxiety for stopping and wondering if I went too far)
7. Think about the interaction throughout the day, expanding on what was said into what else could have been said (excitement, fantasy)
8. Think about how it could have gotten physical, how she could have undressed or touched me
9. Go home, act as if nothing happened and convince myself that it wasn’t a slip since nothing more than a conversation happened (Guilt, shame)
10. Go to bed thinking about all the scenarios I conjured up earlier and expanding on them
11. Get aroused, touch myself as I lay in bed (Excitement mixed with anxiety about ritual)
12. Eventually fall asleep
13. Wake up thinking about best scenario that I came up with
14. Get aroused
15. Make sure wife is busy with work (anxiety, usually mixed with adding stress through conversation, suspense)
16. Go to bathroom and ramp up thinking about sexual acts and what her body is like (POINT OF NO RETURN)
17. Masturbate as I focus on singular sex act and how she would respond
18. Orgasm
19. Clean up carefully
20. Feel satisfied that I did not cheat on wife, but still feel bad for jerking off and orgasm.
21. Get back to day and start all over



Before the Point of no return, I ramp up the anxiety by talking about stressors in our life and sometimes create drama as I wrestle with what I may or may not do next. The constant fantasizing leads up to all this, but at this point, I can change the ritual and at least delay the act.
Stopping the fantasizing is what I'm working on the most. As soon as my mind wanders, I make sure that I am "in the room". In both cases, cutting off the build up of the associated emotions of stress and excitement serve to stop the ritual


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2021 7:53 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Forty-Six

Saturday, January 30, 2021
7:46 PM

1. Talk to attractive woman (Excitement)
2. Start looking her over, taking in all aspects of her body
3. Make the conversation more light, complement her
4. Say something humorous but inappropriate and gauge her response as to how far to go (anxiety, fear)
5. Get excited and aroused
6. End conversation once it gets too serious or once I have the fantasy kibble that I need. (anxiety for stopping and wondering if I went too far)
7. Think about the interaction throughout the day, expanding on what was said into what else could have been said (excitement, fantasy)
8. Think about how it could have gotten physical, how she could have undressed or touched me
9. Go home, act as if nothing happened and convince myself that it wasn’t a slip since nothing more than a conversation happened (Guilt, shame)
10. Go to bed thinking about all the scenarios I conjured up earlier and expanding on them
11. Get aroused, touch myself as I lay in bed (Excitement mixed with anxiety about ritual)
12. Eventually fall asleep
13. Wake up thinking about best scenario that I came up with
14. Get aroused
15. Make sure wife is busy with work (anxiety, usually mixed with adding stress through conversation, suspense)
16. ****Break of ritual*****
Realize that I am in the middle of a destructive ritual chain and decide that the damage to myself, my values, and my relationship with my wife, through deteriorating my values of integrity and intimacy, is not worth the immediate gratification of finishing the ritual.
17. Make lunch for my family
18. Clean the kitchen
19. Have a productive day
20. Have a fulfilling evening with my wife
The End


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2021 12:18 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Forty-Seven

Scenario:
I'm out working and an attractive woman approaches. Friendly conservation ensues. She seems to linger and continue the conversation.

If I felt and urge to remain engaged in conversation and check her out, for lack of a better term, I would feel the same emotions of anxiety, fear, excitement.
This chain of emotions is well identified to me as the beginning of a ritual. When I feel this way, it is an alarm bell that makes me realize that something is amiss and I need to create a break.
Remaining professional and moving on to doing my work is the simplest break.
I need to consider my values and having this chain of emotions is a sure sign that I am going against my values and this discomfort is the consequence. I have to think about the big picture and not just the isolated moment.
I believe in time, these feelings will become repulsive and I will immediately balance myself.
The last step is to tell my wife about the encounter and how I dealt with it. Not protecting it so that I could reconsider it later or fantasize about it.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2021 10:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 9:37 pm
Posts: 44
Lesson Fifty

Monday, February 08, 2021

A. Consequences of using value based decision to mange urge
Positive: Fulfillment of knowing that an urge was stopped
Negative: No immediate gratification and emotion stabilizing
B. Compulsive decision
Positive: Immediate gratification and release of endorphines to create a "rush"
Negative: Feelings of guilt and failure that would promote further urges
C. Long term
Value Based: Promotes healthy values and confidence that I can handle situations and stressors. Further promoting my core identity and strengthening my inner self to reflect to my outer self. Future decision making gets easier
Emotion Based: Erodes my values and makes it harder to make good decisions in the future. Starves me of values like health, intimacy, and integrity that spills into every aspect of my life


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 47 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 19 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group