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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 10:42 am 
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A reminder of reality

a conversation with m ex this week

I asked what feelings she has towards me
her response

love friendship and fear
she fears being hurt by me again

I fully understand but tried to reassure her by telling her that she has no need to fear this as I would never do anything to hurt her again

her response
why would I believe you when for all of our time together you lied?


Ponder on that Kenzo and remember words are meaningless without actions

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 6:48 am 
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A couple of days ago I posted in the community forum
Quote:
Finally "drip feeding " disclosure is no way forwards and it cost me my marriage
learn from my mistake


on reflection this could be construed as minimisation
however it is a fact
my lies deceit and reluctance to admit what I was and had done did prompt our divorce
our relationship however was destroyed by my selfish futile relationship with my d***
I destroyed my ex's esteem, confidence, memories, love, etal with my actions
what kind of animal was I?

I / We have moved on

RN helped

May this programme be invigorated and continue to help others as it helped me

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:57 am 
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how deep is her pain?
We cannot even imagine

this week 2 examples

we were cuddling , very close and from my side content
she said
it must be difficult for you to cuddle someone you are not going to have sex with

we spent the day visiting in hospital
I said I need a shower I feel dirty
her response
well >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2018 8:52 am 
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It has been years since I did my last health check
why?

because it is now automatic

however as a reminder to myself
The health check that I promised myself:

The health check that I promised myself:


Have I done anything, thought anything, said anything that I am ashamed of recently?
UNFORTUNATELY YES
MY LOOKING AT THE GIRL IN FLORENCE AND THEN LYING ABOUT IT , DOCUMENTED HEREIN MY THREAD OF EARLIER


Have I not done anything, not thought anything, not said anything that I am ashamed of recently? I AM GOOD HERE I OWN MY SHAME AND WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO INFLUENCE NEVER MIND CONTROL ME


Have I done anything to be proud of ?
I HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH AND TO MYSELF AND I HAVE BEEN SUPPORTIVE TOWARDS THE WOMAN I LOVE


Have I kept to my values? YES

Have I kept to my and others boundaries? YES EXCEPT FOR THE FLORENCE INCIDENT

Have I recognised and managed my emotions ? YES I HAVE REALISED THAT EMOTIONS ARE BEST LEFT ALONE AS THEY DEAL WITH THEMSELVES AND THIS IS GETTING EASIER

Have I had any urges ? NO CANNOT BELIEVE I EVER WILL AGAIN - SO KENZO WATCH THE COMPLACENCY

Have I been Happy? YES BUT ALSO UNHAPPY I GUESS THIS IS NORMAL,

Have I felt remorse ? YES

Have I recognised and accepted that I need to seek out happiness and increase my self esteem? YES, I HAVE ACCEPTED REALITY AND MY SELF ESTEEM IS GROWING
Have I increased my esteem ?YES I AM REALLY AN OK GUY
Have I felt lonely ?YES SOMETIMES BUT WE ALL DO
Did I exercise- SOME WALKING BUT NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH
did I over eat ? YES
did I drink too much? YES
did I open up some more NO I HAVE ALREADY OPENED TO MY CORE AS SAID I KNOW WHO I WAS AND I APPRECIATE WHO I AM NOW
did I try to help my ex in her healing YES BUT DOES SHE RECOGNISE THIS - I DOUBT IT BUT THAT DOES NOT MATTER
did I succeed in helping my ex in her healing NO,
will this prevent me from trying NO I WILL TAKE MY LOVE FOR HER TO MY GRAVE
Have I moved further from my addiction OH YES
Have I contributed to my well being YES
Have I contributed to the well being of others I HOPE AND BELIEVE SO
Do I love myself YES AND I ALSO LIKE MYSELF

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:48 am 
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Judging
I have said many times in this forum that:
Quote:
No one is here to judge you


That is true however I ask myself if judging does happen?
Of course it does

We Judge ourselves and so we should, we monitor our progress or lack of it and then determine what we need to do to achieve our objective , be it positive (hopefully so ) or negative

Coaches and mentors judge whether we need a pat on the back or a poke in the eye using the experience of having been where members are, we do not judge the history of members actions nor slips or relapse
as said above that responsibility lies only with each individual member

Recently a member posted correctly that some are here so that their efforts are judged by their partners, being seen as "evidence " of change, in my experience these members either quickly change and work on their recovery for themselves or they fall by the wayside

There will be judging by the curiosity visitors, but we do not nor should not care what they think as they are simply incidental, participants on both sides are the only people that matter

If we judge and compare ourselves with others here "I am not as bad as ..) we are making excuses for ourselves providing us with justification for failing to fully commit, likely leading to continued addiction

So


No one is here to judge you or me

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:29 am 
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Another perception of reality

I have been open and honest with total and full disclosure but she believes this not to be the fact
I cannot change her perception all I can do is continue to be honest
my biggest mistake pre D day was compulsively acting out i.e. becoming a sex addict
I know that was my choice, nobody forced me
My biggest mistake post D day was drip feeding the truth, again my choice

This post is prompted by an incident of last night
watching TV together a drama showed vigilante justice being enacted
She said when you slip I will call them
followed by have you slipped ?
followed by
you would not tell me even if you had

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 5:50 am 
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L2R posted recently that he was re reading the workshop lessons
I totally endorse that
I completed the programme twice, I did this because after the first time around although I had sorted out my addictive habit I still had holes in which I was vulnerable
I am not suggesting that this is for everyone but for me it was a requirement

back to the point

I have started to re read the lessons and am amazed at the amount of detail therein that I have forgotten
but that is possibly a positive
I guess it really is like growing up
we do not realise as we change from infant to child to adolescent to adult
we simply do it because it is right
we learn that we have to and indeed actually embrace taking responsibility and accepting accountability, unlike the addicts that we are / were

so I have absorbed the detail set out by THE COACH and ingrained the essence from them into my core

so why re read?
because I choose to recall my journey of discovery and embrace it
I have always said that we should reflect on our posts, perhaps going forwards I will recommend that our reflections should be more encompassing

L2R thanks for that prompt :g:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 8:19 am 
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I posted into the community forum recently asking both sides

Quote:
Forgiveness is totally down to the individual
I have forgiven myself for what I did to myself but I have not forgiven myself for what I did to her

But what does it take to forgive?
What does it mean to be forgiven?


I am a little disappointed but not at all surprised with the lack of responses (one thus far in almost two weeks)
Disappointed because forgiveness is a very valuable commodity, both in the giving and the receiving, but of course it is not easy to do, as I have said previously I have forgiven me for damaging me, but cannot (thus far and perhaps forever) forgive myself for harming her

After pain, deceit, denial, selfishness, anger, blame and true love (or lack of) I would expect the concept of forgiveness to be up there for consideration both in healing and in recovering

not surprised, because this is a most difficult concept to deliberate upon and of course is a very individual thing

however is that not one of the reasons that we have these forums
to ask questions, understand and consider all aspects of healing and recovering in a safe non judgemental environment

This is not a criticism of our joint communities simply an observation , posted in the hope if it helps just one person to take the plunge to address this or any other potential stumbling block that could interrupt their journey, then it is worth doing

I copy an abridged version of coach Jon,s writings discussing forgiveness herein
with my comments

Abridged comment on Forgiveness as written by THE COACH Jon,
non quote comments by Kenzo are purely individual thoughts

Quote:
Before we explore the role of forgiveness in relation to your recovery, it will be important to ensure that you are in the right frame of mind. This means that you will not be filtering what is being shared through defensive, aggressive, defiant or otherwise emotionally tortured feelings. For the remainder of this skill development area, empty your mind of all predetermined feelings regarding whether you should or should not forgive those who have wronged you, forget about the nature of the wrongs and let go of any pressure you may feel towards the expectation you may feel to forgive someone. Consider only how forgiveness (or the decision not to forgive) can be used to further your own transition towards a stable, balanced life.


Perhaps getting into that state of mind in a “public “ environment is the reason for lack of response to my question in the community forum, however in private that focus of furthering transition is paramount

Quote:
Instead of referring to behaviours that occurred in the past in terms of how they have affected your life as it is now, see these behaviours as they occurred at the time they occurred.. This is a critical part of learning how to forgive, as it allows you to forgive with understanding and compassion; or should you choose not to forgive, to do so also with an understanding and compassion (for yourself).


owning your past

Quote:
Another important realization to grasp before going forward, is the understanding that forgiveness is not a moral absolute. You do have a choice as to whether or not to forgive someone


IMO as forgiveness needs not be absolute, it can be partial as in my case forgiving myself for some of my actions, but even partial forgiveness is a gift to be fully appreciated and thus honoured

Quote:
The goal , is to explore three types of forgiveness commonly associated with addiction: forgiving yourself, forgiving others and allowing others to forgive you. By perpetuating a sincere understanding and implementation of these three areas of forgiveness, you will likely end/avoid the negative consequences that are associated with forgiveness that is contrived, insincere or forced.

When is the right time to forgive?
There is no right answer to this. There are, however, wrong answers —times when forgiveness should not be pursued (or expected). These include:
You should never feel compelled to forgive someone as a result of others using guilt, power or the thoughts that there is something wrong with you if you aren't able to forgive.
You should never feel compelled to forgive someone simply because the person who has wronged you has repented and made changes to his/her life. (Though this is something that should definitely be taken into consideration.)
Closely related to the above, you should be extremely wary of ever offering forgiveness based on words and promises. Look instead towards the actions of those who have wronged you. The saying, "words are cheap" have never been so applicable as to those attempting to apologize. Even the sincerest apologies need to be backed up with action. Because it is only through action that real change occurs.
You should never feel compelled to forgive someone in an effort to stabilize, encourage or motivate their behavior. This is especially common in a committed relationship where a rush to forgive the partner is used as a Band-Aid to avoid having to face otherwise painful feelings. If you are committed to this relationship, take the time to work through these painful feelings when the time is right. Otherwise, you will most likely find yourself experiencing them again later...after wasting many more valuable years. It is important for the person to know the effects that their behavior has had on you, and not simply be forgiven without further developing their recognition of boundaries (both yours and theirs).
Don't forgive someone out of curiosity or because you don't know what else to do (i.e. "Nothing else is working, maybe this will."). That is, don't use forgiveness as a "last resort" to salvage your relationship.
The above list is directed at the act of you forgiving others, but it is just as relevant to your own expectations of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a very precious, personal thing that can significantly assist you in your own healing and growth. It allows you to gain back control over situations where you previously may have felt none. Take forgiveness very seriously and never for granted.


Forgiveness has a prerequisite of openness and honesty, this requires communication
communication is now my short term focus for consideration and thus will be a post for the future

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 6:49 am 
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Today I posted in the community thread

i copy a link herein because I believe that more read the personal threads than do the community ones

I stress that my post is my thoughts and thus does not reflect directly on the RN entity or its officers and administrators
I post directly aimed towards the addict side of these communities, but should a partner believe a similar state (for sure with different reasons) exists then I would encourage them to suggest a reinvigoration for your forums too
as said this site is simply to valuable to be left to drift
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=25051

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 6:04 am 
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All most a month ago I posted about forgiveness leading me on to consider how forgiveness has a prerequisite of communication
I have considered communication and view it as a three part entity
Communication with oneself
Communication with any SO or others
Communication that should have taken place but did not, leading to the life that transpired, now this being the
element that is probably the most difficult to actually perceive and evaluate on the meaningful and obviously personal level, it requires most thought and hence will be covered later



Communication
My ex said to me
“you do not talk to me”,
she added
“you can talk about all sorts of incidental topics but never about you ”
the truth is
We talk about my addiction, not often but sometimes about my recovery
We talk about “incidentals” like life
we talk about RN, other addicts,her friend struggling with healing , our son and his obsession with gaming, all of which usually ends with some reference to my addiction
We , mainly instigated by me, talk about us
We hardly ever talk about her
I appreciate talking about her leaves her open and vulnerable but surely that needs to be addressed and overcome

OK as in all recovery and healing paths the recoverer is much further down the road because of his head start, he knew even if he denied, but she had no clue
I wish that I had read the following at the start of my journey so I post hoping that someone starting out will do so and once again gain from my mistakes

I copy a link from coach Jon,s writings discussing communication herein, noting that these writings apply more at the start of the journey of recovery as opposed to where I am now
That said, nobody is in a position where they know it all and I for one wish that I had read these writings at the outset, perhaps then I would not have drip fed as I did, much to my cost

http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... cation.php

I copy an abridged version with my comments
Abridged comment on Communication as written by THE COACH Jon highlighted as quotes

non quote comments by Kenzo are purely individual thoughts

Quote:
Effective Communication Skills in Recovery
When considering the manner in which you communicate, there will need to be some immediate changes made. This includes every single one of you ― no matter how well you think you communicate currently.

“And I believe applies to partners to”

Quote:
the implications of altering your communication style impact a great many areas that influence your values

“additionally partners are new to the discovery of the whom they have been communicating with over whatever amount of time, in particular the dishonesty”

Quote:
Learn how to communicate in a manner that reflects self-respect, honesty, integrity and an overall healthy identity. These changes may not feel comfortable at first…so what. Push through the discomfort and you will be rewarded with a major step forward in your recovery.

For most, learning to communicate in a healthy, positive way comes naturally for those who have been raised in a healthy, nurturing environment. With a solid foundation of values, people are free to communicate openly without having to worry about exposing their "secret" selves. This openness is not usually the case for those who have struggled with sexually compulsive behavior. For us, our ability to communicate has often been significantly diminished by our attempts to hide our behavior ― including the guilt, shame, embarrassment and other such consequences of that behavior

“IMO it is that discovery of that secret self that hurts our innocent partners more that the things that we actually did/do”

Quote:
This is not to suggest that people with addictions cannot communicate. In most cases, it is quite the opposite. Their adeptness at communication is what allows them to continue on with their "other life" without their secrets ever being detected.

“for sure that cap fitted me”

Quote:
Eventually though, it all catches up to them and they are faced with a potentially catastrophic situation.

“I have said before and will repeat, in addiction change is inevitable, either we recover because we can and we choose to or we spiral downwards”

Quote:
There is a phenomenon in early recovery, where many people feel compelled to share every last detail of their compulsive behavior ― to unload all of the secrets that have burdened them for so long. And while this may feel wonderful at first, it frequently is a source for much regret and shame later in recovery. Keep in mind, you cannot un-ring a bell.


“ I felt relief that my secret was out, that I then had to make a choice, but like so many others I was frightened so I minimised and drip fed, big big mistake”

Quote:
your spouse may believe…absolute honesty is not always the best policy for developing communication skills. It is not in your best interest, nor is it in the best interest of the relationship. Not when behaviors that include the possible destruction of the relationship (or your self-esteem) are involved.
That is not to say that lying (or avoidance) is the goal either, it is not. But it is possible to be honest, and share only what you feel comfortable sharing while maintaining your pride and dignity. It involves requesting time to grow, respect for your privacy, and to pursue your sincere desire to change your life. Those who care for you will want nothing less. Never forget this. You have the right to put this lifestyle behind you, and nobody has the right to stop you. But it is up to you to communicate that right to others. If you allow guilt to make you feel like you are less worthy, you will not succeed in recovery. Granted, in some extreme situations, the consequences felt by others will be lifelong; and you may be held responsible for your past actions, but there is no better true show of remorse than a complete recovery.


“IMO absoloute disclosure up to the point as required by the SO is non negotiable but I do seeTHE COACH's point and that is why he says in the lessons, put guilt and shame to one side FOR NOW

Communication can and does provide a potential trigger, but the positives far outweigh the potential negatives, so pressing on I now will continue to improve my communication skills even if they expose my failings, I will also contemplate further on triggers, in particular triggers affecting partners”

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 6:01 am 
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Copied from the community forum as a reminder to myself and my commitment to recovery

I should use the following as the frame for my next health check

“Ask not what your community can do for you, but better what you can do for your community”

I now post my personal response for my future reference and reflection

I can and indeed will:

Be the best that I can be, knowing that the better healthier that I can be is in the best interests of any community that I am or become part of

Abandon all defensiveness,

Be supportive and empathetic

Take what is coming on the chin knowing that the hits may hurt but they are so much better than the alternative

Be open and honest

Be open to healthy suggestions and ideas/theories of others

Live by my values, respect and honour my and others boundaries

Make mistakes, apologise, but learn from them

Continue here on RN, whilst ever my contribution helps me (and hopefully others)

Share experiences both negative and positive

Ask for and appreciate help if required

Give positive help if at all possible, even when that help can appear to be harsh

Donate

Support any initiatives highlighting the pandemic of sexual addiction

Condemn the global sex industry invading our very existence

Advocate (but as yet unsure how) the acceptance that sex addiction is real , very real, and needs to be accepted as so by the relevant medical fraternity

Be Intimate rather than sexual wherever appropriate

Be sincere

Be diligent and never become complacent

Be fully aware of where I was, appreciate where I am and never judge others for being whatever and wherever they are now

Persuade,dissuade, but never dictate

Be committed and true to the four agreements

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 12:48 pm 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 411
Hi Kenzo,

It occurs to me that the only person that regularly posts on RN but that never receives any feedback on their thread is yourself. I took the liberty of checking back through your thread and see that the last time that this happened was in Aug 2015, so you are somewhat overdue something. I know that I am not worthy of providing critique to someone who has far greater learning on RN than I but I am nonetheless able to provide encouragement as I have done for others on their own threads.

I sense that any form of praise will make you uncomfortable and that you don't wish to attract that but, like I'm sure many of the active members, I find your commitment to RN and your endless desire to help others learn on here to be inspirational. You always have a new angle on things and are always looking for the right way forward. You have a way of being able to offer pertinent words of support but also to give a kick where needed but still in a positive way. You have said:

Quote:
“Ask not what your community can do for you, but better what you can do for your community”


Well, you live and breathe that motto as should we all. Above all, you are clear evidence that RN works whilst not becoming complacent and knowing that there are still things to work on.

Please stay motivated and know the benefit that your posts provide to others. As Kenzo would say...... :g: :g: :g:

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L2R

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2018 7:24 am 
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I read somewhere
that
Quote:
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path


L2R wrote
Quote:
so you are somewhat overdue something.


Likely so and thanks for dropping by, very much appreciated


I saw a thread recently highlighting the emotional difficulties "bestowed" on out SO,s by our selfish and destructive actions
this prompted these thoughts

We were watching TV and an interviewer asked a minor celebrity “if they made a movie about you who would you want to play you?”
My ex then asked me that same question and I thought that this could be a good self awareness game

After some thought I said Jack Nickleson
My reasoning, he is brilliant over the spectrum of different characters and I , like most addicts, practising or recovered are complex characters, I have seen Jack play strong, weak , obsessive ,decisive, indecisive etal characters, hence know that he could portray me as I was, through the growth, to as I am

She just laughed, Am I that full of myself, still?

So I asked who should play her?
Response Judi Dench or Maggie Smith

My retort, both classy but too old to play her

So who would you recommend?
Cameron Diaz, because she is so bright and bubbly

BANG, END OF GAME I HAD PULLED A POTENTIAL TRIGGER although I am not sure that she was triggered, however it made me feel like a shit

My main attribute in choice of a girl in a brothel BUBBLINESS

So easily done, but it highlights that we addicts need to be fully aware that just as we were triggered in urges to act out so our SO’s also have triggers that pull them back to D day, pull them back in their journeys of healing

I am not suggesting that addicts need to continually walk to avoid egg shells , but walking on hob nailed boots does not apply either
We need to be tolerant but open and honest, we need to help her face her triggers as we faced ours, whilst remembering that her healing is for her, not for us, and the responsibilities lies with her alone

Remember that whilst acting out almost anything could trigger an urge, so in healing the same applies,
what can we do when she is triggered?

For a start we can abandon defensiveness, the indefensible cannot be defended
We can be supportive and empathetic
We can be honest and take what is coming on the chin, knowing that she needs to work through our failings just as we did, but we had choice she did not, and in these journeys we have a big head start knowing even if denying the problem exists (ed)

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 27, 2018 4:20 am 
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I posted how forgiveness has a prerequisite of communication

My recent post considered communication with any SO or others
This post is with regard to communication with oneself

One definition of communication states that :
Quote:
Communication is a two-way process of reaching mutual understanding, in which participants not only exchange (encode-decode) information, news, ideas and feelings but also create and share meaning. In general, communication is a means of connecting people or places.


In addiction communication is often a problem because we have an inherent fear of connection even to and with ourselves, we do not even know or acknowledge ourselves, our secrets are ours alone!

In life, communication is a fundamental pre-requisite, so if we want to live life we need to learn to communicate, yes learn, as communication is simply a skill, this post constitutes a lesson for me in self communication

So if communication is a two-way process, in which participants exchange information, and feelings, thus is a means of connecting people, how can this correlate in addiction, where more often than not addicts are disconnected
Does this suggest that addicts are split personalities ?
Some suggest this to be the case, but I do not.

I was an addict, and in my recovery in one exercise, I envisaged alto egos and talked to them, but they were not real, simply a means of discovering and then teaching myself i.e. learning, recovering

This is communication with oneself



Coach Jon wrote (Paraphrased and abridged by Kenzo)

Quote:
We all have an inner voice that constantly sends messages to us.
This voice critiques just about everything we do and helps us to associate an emotion with every significant thought we have. Those of us with low self-esteem are bombarded with critical thoughts that produce negative emotions.
Addicts deny, why? One reason is because once the "addict" label has been attached to a person, they get hit with negativity from themselves, plus the perception of being outcast from the rest of society as well.
See if any of these sound familiar...
"Nobody can understand why I do the things that I do."
"I will never be able to get past this. It will affect me for the est of my life."
"I have a disease, therefore I have no choice in the way I behave."
"I've ever been able to control myself so there is no reason I should be able to now."
"I don't want to act this way, I just can't stop."
"There's something wrong with me."
"Nothing can help me. I've tried everything--promising to God, promising to my wife...nothing works."


There's many more and all have a single common theme: they are false beliefs that are a result of miscommunication from you to yourself.
When you learn to communicate positively with yourself, you are also learning to provide yourself with immediate comfort. Additionally, you will gain more and more confidence as you begin to understand the reality of your past and as you experience the success of managing your future.


So we need to determine, do we have a problem, do we act compulsively, do we use any aspect of sex as a coping device, are we harming ourselves and potentially others?

Are we sex addicts? I know hat I was but at D day I denied and could not accept that fact

I copy a link that could help others in answering that last question

http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... &start=465

If we decide that we are, and simply being here and reading thus far, suggests that there is a good possibility that we are, then we need to, decide ................................................

I decided and hence am here

That self examination and self communication is the only key that we have that can access the positive way to health and recovery, the alternative is inevitable decline, deny as we may, that is the fact

I only wish that I had communicated to and with myself years ago, life would have been exponentially better and more rewarding

What a T**T I was and why?

That is my next consideration,

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2018 2:13 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3897
Location: UK
I responded today to L2R


Quote:
I will always be seen as the bad guy

My ex will always see me as the bad guy no matter that she loves and supports me, can I deny this? No


when I read back in my own thread I see that I have noted many examples of this way of thinking
I wonder does it apply across the board?
yes we have forgiveness
we can and do forgive ourselves
we grow
we improve
we recover

but we cannot change the fact that we were the bad guys and thus must expect that there will be triggers for our SO,s to recall this fact

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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