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PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2019 6:08 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
My ex mistakenly but accusingly questioned something that she truly believed I had done
We fairly quickly resolved the situation when she realised that she had wrongly assumed but I reacted badly by playing the sulking hurt party
I had no right to do so and I recalled reading the quote below copied from the partner community

Quote:
Trust is difficult after you’ve been betrayed, and that’s an understatement. The fact is, your sense of safety is threatened and you’ve learned from experience that trusting someone like you once did left you extremely vulnerable and created a lot of pain
If you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, your need for safety and personal security must be met before love and belonging — that is, you can’t experience love and belonging if you don’t feel safe and secure to begin with. For some reason, many partners feel under some sort of obligation to forgive and to trust as if that’s the gracious and admirable thing to do, like we’re supposed to be these saints of forgiveness and not to experience the “ugly” emotions of anger, jealousy, insecurity, fear and all the rest.

It just doesn’t work out like that for most of us who live in reality. Most addicts don’t become rigorously honest. Most addicts don’t disclose the full extent of their acting out. In fact, most addicts lie. The responsibility of trust building belongs to the addict. Yet if they continue to deceive in some way, even lie about things that have nothing to do with their addictions, why should we trust them? If our addict spouses don’t do the heavy lifting in the recovery of the relationship, that’s not doing much to rebuild trust either. Most partners end up feeling unfairly burdened by the mess the addict has created — plus we have to be forgiving, understanding, non judgemental, patient, tolerant etc etc AS WELL AS recover from our own trauma.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:18 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3815
Location: UK
My goodness how time flies, its almost a year since my last health check
I believe that as I get older time appears to quicken,OK when you are 10 a year is 10% of your life and when you are 50 that year is only 2%
But time flying does not mean life simply passes by life in health is wonderful and should be embraced

My previous health checks included answering to myself specific questions
Have I done anything, thought anything, said anything that I am ashamed of recently?
Have I done anything to be proud of ?
Have I kept to my values?
Have I kept to my and others boundaries?
Have I recognised and managed my emotions
Have I had any urges ?
Have I felt remorse ?
Have I contributed to my and my ex’s well being ?
Am I still addicted to sex?

Now as I move on further into my journey I simplify my health check

Am I happy ? MORE THAN I CAN REMEMBER
Am I honest? YES WARTS AND ALL
Am I fulfilled? FOR SURE AND WILL BE EVER GRATEFUL FOR BEING SO
Do I miss sex? NO, BUT I DO MISS INTIMACY, KISSES AND CUDDLES
could I ever be tempted back into the life (was it really living?) that I had? TEMPTED i DOUBT IT BUT WHO KNOWS, I DO KNOW HOWEVER THAT I WOULD NOR COULD NEVER SUCCUMB TO ANY SUCH TEMPTATION
Am i a different man to the one who started out here almost ten years ago? I AM BUT I AM ALSO FULLY AWARE THAT CHANGE WAS INEVITABLE BUT THANKFULLY I CHOSE AND TOOK THE RIGHT DIRECTION

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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