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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2020 6:49 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 07, 2020 6:12 am
Posts: 14
Many people come to RN because of a crisis in their relationship. If you are not married or in a long-term committed relationship, what do you do to keep yourself accountable and on track?

Similarly, many people list "better relationship with my wife, don't want to hurt her" etc. as a value. For those of us who are not married, we might put "find a healthy long-term-relationship" as a value. We don't know how to do this in a healthy way. For myself, I don't think dating apps or website are healthy, and they may never be. But that's how you meet people in this day and age: as far as hobbies and clubs go, the things I do are full of married couples and other middle-aged women like myself. :pe:

I'm not looking for advice or tips, so much as dialogue so that we can explore our feeling and thoughts about recovery for those of us who are single.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2020 7:46 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 450
Hi rm959229,

Thank you for your post and you make a good point about how RN needs to contemplate members coming from many different walks of life where some may be in relationships currently and some may not.

I am probably a little unclear as to what you are seeking in your question which could be one of two things. If this is intended to generate a discussion then there is a fine line between canvassing general views on topics with a view to advancing recovery and generating a chat. I have doubt that you were not intending the latter but for sake of clarity I have shown below a link to the rules on forum use which might be helpful to look at for any new arrivals.

http://www.recoverynation.com/bulletinboard/viewtopic.php?f=80&t=12

It might be safer, certainly in the earlier days whilst you find you feet here to post your own feelings and thoughts to your own self-help thread where others will no doubt stop by to read it and may then be encouraged to do the same on theirs - this would perhaps give you what you were looking for without it ever being misunderstood as a chat? In the most part this forum is intended to be used for people asking questions or seeking guidance on a particular point such as a part of a lesson or an exercise that they have not understood. I appreciate that some of these distinctions may be subtle but the longer you are here you will no doubt get a better for feel for what to do and where!

The alternative could be that you were looking for guidance on how you should approach your values as a single person and in that regard I will post some thoughts to your self-help thread.

I hope this helps but if not then please feel free to post back here or in your thread where further guidance can be given.

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L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2020 8:48 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 07, 2020 6:12 am
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Thanks for your reply. I see what you mean about the counterproductive aspect of general discussion and chat.

I will be more specific and say that reading much of this site has been of limited use to me in thinking about my own path as a single woman in recovery, so I was wondering if there was anyone else here who is NOT a married straight man, and if so, how they have developed the necessary feelings of accountability and connection to propel recovery forward. Threads about how important it is to read the partners' side, etc., actually made me feel kind of alienated, like there are the "good women" out there who have been harmed by all the "bad men" and then the shame took over.. what kind of whore am I, that I struggle with this addiction instead of being one of these good, faithful, trusting wives?

I still find the workshop useful. The lessons apply to me. Moreover, I realize that it's important to stay open to the guidance of others even if we are coming to this workshop from very different places. Maybe those who are married men can talk from their own experience about forms of accountability, motivation, connection that they have found OTHER than their partner.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2020 4:46 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3955
Location: UK
Hi 229
Quote:
what do you do to keep yourself accountable and on track?


IMO the answer applies to us all
Single, Married Partnered etal

In recovery we are all accountable to and for ourselves
recovering with the aim of doing it for another has limited chance of success albeit many start that way and then realise the true benefit of destroying our addiction thus changing the target focus

What do we do to keep ourselves accountable?
We decide upon and then live by the values that we initially decide upon to be right, we honour the boundaries that protect those values and we learn, we mature we choose and we live

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2020 7:08 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 07, 2020 6:12 am
Posts: 14
Kenzo wrote:
Hi 229
Quote:
what do you do to keep yourself accountable and on track?


IMO the answer applies to us all
Single, Married Partnered etal

In recovery we are all accountable to and for ourselves
recovering with the aim of doing it for another has limited chance of success albeit many start that way and then realise the true benefit of destroying our addiction thus changing the target focus

What do we do to keep ourselves accountable?
We decide upon and then live by the values that we initially decide upon to be right, we honour the boundaries that protect those values and we learn, we mature we choose and we live


Thank you for the reply. I completely agree with you and understood these principles before (in an intellectual way -- obviously if I understood these principles as a lived reality, I wouldn't be here.

Could you suggest some more specific and concrete behaviors? Similar to the way in which men are encouraged to pro-actively report back to their wives about what recovery work they are doing? To go to their wives and communicate openly about emotions?


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 11, 2020 7:02 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3955
Location: UK
Hi 229
Perhaps you could confide in a close confidant, or in a sponsor connected to a SAA 12 step group

however in my own journey I found it useful to "talk" in written form to myself using a two separate personas approach
My addicted self and my recovering self
examples of this can be found in my thread

keep up the good work but please take time to reflect on yourself and the things that you have learned whilst doing the lessons

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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