Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Fri Apr 03, 2020 12:08 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Dealing with Anger
PostPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2014 6:12 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 1:39 am
Posts: 53
I have a huge problem dealing with anger or not dealing with it

Over the last weeks my partner at times has been making moves towards me in a very loving gentle way but she is terrified of doing so because it leaves her so vulnerable to me and with the memories of all the many times I have smashed it all to pieces in the past, there is no surprise that she is so scared to come towards me.
She moved towards me about a week ago as she saw a change in me, and this took super human powers for her to do so and I tried to hold it safe but found myself by the end of the day feeling I was being pushed into a corner (this is by my own doing and insecurity not my partners) basically I was backing myself into a corner because I was terrified.

Once in this corner and if my partner tries to help me out, no matter what I will be lashing out with immense anger attacking her with all the weapons I possess, mainly using a seething anger which I try to mask with calmness but never works and every word that I utter is seen by my partner as a threat(and this is the reality of it) I then did at least realise that I had done this through lots of talking to my partner and she helped me out of it

Two days ago I committed to us as a couple, I actually said the words and meant them I had a positive feeling that I had stepped over my shadow and it was received with love and hope and openness from my partner (although still dealing with a massive burden of emotions herself mostly from me and my actions but also with her own healing)
She gave me praise and encouragement and she did not once make me feel that what I was doing was not received well or welcomed. She was feeling a difference in me and so did I

Yesterday, Christmas day we talked and talked on the phone together she helped Identify yet another possible S/A problem and she helped with love and compassion it was the makings of a good day with lots of positives we both felt closer to each other and it felt good, but I was starting to feel increasing anxiety as the day progressed I felt frustration and looking back anger was creeping in and I was starting to feel it at my partner who deserved non of this shit,(in fact I was starting to run for the hills to hide) but I did not recognize this anger in myself and so did not say to my partner. I had noticed I was starting to feel the very first glimpses of relapse (need for a fix) brewing and I conveyed this to my partner she tried to help me with finding the trigger and there were a few at the time to choose from and I thought we had nailed it as it seemed to go away. But it still came back again a while later
But as we talked more and more about good and positive things and feelings the more uneasy and yes the more anger I started to feel towards her, I was backing into the corner again ready to fight off all comers and by that night I had in a seemingly short space of time had completely closed up and was on S/A Island (reality was that this had been a gradual possess throughout the day that I have only come to realise now, I was over whelmed with all the positives coming my way and the speed of things happening I got so angry and still am angry at myself for not embracing, not passing on my real fears not coming up with the goods and generally not being in touch with myself, But all the time blaming my partner yet again for my failings (not hers at all).She is very hurt by what has happened yet again
She did not want to carry on with the conversation last night, as she felt so uneasy with my masked anger in my tone. I attempted to call her back and this made things worse.
We spoke again this morning and I upset her more with underlined anger which she never deserved I tried to tell her of my feelings from yesterday and as she told me these I should have talked about yesterday again on my shoulders was my good friend anger just chipping away at me and she could sense this,
She told me that she loved me and was there for me, I broke down and told her I loved her, she just wanted to hug me and me her, but she said she was very upset and needed to look after herself and she felt I need to find a way for myself this time as she did not want to be always put into the position of finding a way for me
This anger is huge and has been there for as long as I can remember and is not getting any less, in fact each time a little more suppressing it only adds it into my already bursting at the seams warehouse of anger, I know it needs to come out, be looked at, delt with in some way but I also fear it, hate it and don’t know how to deal with it.
I have ruined yet another Christmas for my partner and myself and I now am incredibly sad at this outcome, any advice at the moment would be very welcome.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Dealing with Anger
PostPosted: Sat Dec 27, 2014 9:39 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:13 am
Posts: 687
"This anger is huge and has been there for as long as I can remember and is not getting any less, in fact each time a little more suppressing it only adds it into my already bursting at the seams warehouse of anger, I know it needs to come out, be looked at, delt with in some way but I also fear it, hate it and don’t know how to deal with it.
I have ruined yet another Christmas for my partner and myself and I now am incredibly sad at this outcome, any advice at the moment would be very welcome."

I'll tell u what I have been doing with the overwhelming anger, feelings.

Reading the lessons, especially the ones on emotions and I think there is one about depression in early recovery in the supplemental lessons. Remembering this is partly biochemical and partly psychological there is grief in accepting reality.

Reading what other workshop participants are going through, it is all pretty much the same:). Overwhelming emotions that we don't know how to deal with. Watching other people calm down, get centered, gain control over there life is inspiring. This gets me out of the poor me as I can then see this as a universal problem for us. It motivates me to find solutions.

Trying to experiment with ways to get some distance from my feelings, viewing the situation as I am a small child that needs guidance, protection, boundaries is helping to not take it out on others. I am trying dbt, spirtual stuff helps the most for me. There are universal skills we need to learn then personal ones.

Thinking about how I choose this no one is making me do it.

Making this workshop my own.
Doing lessons always helps.
Remembering it is going to take time


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Dealing with Anger
PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2014 8:27 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2014 11:18 am
Posts: 73
Whenever I have feelings of anger, I try to calm down, take deep breaths, do my best to think logically, rationally. I think about the virtue of patience and its benefits. Sometimes the problem or what angers you can't be solved at the time, and certainly won't be solved the way you want by going angry. It helps to take short walks around the quarter. Also, getting enough sleep, avoiding too loudy places, these practices help me.

Spirituality helps me too.

_________________
Take one step towards God, and He will take ten towards you. Seek God walking, and He will seek you running. Whisper His name, and He will shout yours.

It is better to spend one day in Your temple than one thousand days anywhere else. (Psalm 84.10)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Dealing with Anger
PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2014 12:32 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:56 am
Posts: 849
Location: Sweden
I used to have big anger issues and I still do from time to time, but they're definitely vaning.

My advice to you would be to ask yourself what you get from being angry. Just as with any behaviour, there's some sort of benefit in there. Don't get me wrong, tehre are cons as well but there is at least one pro. What is the plus in being angry? What has it given you historically?

I don't know where you are in the lessons but what do you think could be the benefit from using the ritual mapping lessons and decision making lessons in the workshop for your anger as well?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Dealing with Anger
PostPosted: Mon Dec 29, 2014 3:32 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 1:39 am
Posts: 53
Many thanks Theadog, Diamond26 and coach Martin for taking time to reply to my post, your advice has been really helpful,
Coach Martin,
I am just completing lesson 20 in recovery.I would try the ritual mapping exercise that you suggest
My anger takes many different forms but I feel it does one major thing for me, it masks things for me, it enables me to hide behind it and protect myself so no one can see me, unfortunately I am also very angry at myself which possibly keeps me from looking at myself, I have not got to the root of it but I think there is a great sadness deep inside me and it is easier for me to feel anger than the pain of sadness.
I have always seen myself as not an angry person, but have realised that just because I am not outwardly angry it does not mean that I am not angry. and I have indeed been an angry person for many decades
Recently my anger has taken a different course, since D-Day about six weeks ago and with a promise with my partner to not act out from that day on, I have become increasingly angry at every day stuff but also at my partner more and more, she has mostly remained very calm during conversations and she has been incredibly supportive to me, but I have been reacting like a complete A-hole to her, lashing out at her, being passive aggressive during conversations (she can recognise that before I do)
It is like I have swapped acting out to porn etc for acting out in anger and this has become a major problem for me right now I seem to be stuck in a corner numbed by anger, and my partner has had enough of the pain I am causing her and i have really hurt her with the cold angry, non compassionate, dame right nasty lifeless being I have turned into


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Dealing with Anger
PostPosted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 1:43 am 
Offline
General Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Bob,
Here is my 2 cents.
I don't have much experience with anger as a recoverer (mostly as a partner...) but I do have some experience with sadness and fear. As you've already pointed out, anger is not a cause that needs "fixing" itself, it's a symptom. Of what?
Well, there are some hints in your post.
Bob73 wrote:
I tried to hold it safe but found myself by the end of the day feeling I was being pushed into a corner (this is by my own doing and insecurity not my partners) basically I was backing myself into a corner because I was terrified.

Terrified of what?
What does it mean "I tried to hold it safe?" Sounds like you were battling with yourself. What part of you was battling with what part?
Why did you feel trapped (pushed into a corner)?

You need to put down/analyse the exact thoughts and emotions that went on in those moments, to grow awareness of your fears and the built up. Your fears need to be exposed, at least to yourself. Most of the times they are huge lies you tell yourself. You need to say them out loud ... write them down ... and question each and everyone of them. Try to be the devil's advocate and find reasons/perspectives against them. We all are prisoners of our own fears. It's how well we know how to cope with them, exorcise them, laugh at them, dare act despite them ... that makes the difference.

Bob73 wrote:
I was starting to feel increasing anxiety as the day progressed I felt frustration and looking back anger was creeping in and I was starting to feel it at my partner who deserved non of this shit, (in fact I was starting to run for the hills to hide)

Again ... what thoughts brought about this frustration and anxiety ... what were you thinking?
Again, hiding means being scared ... of what?

Bob73 wrote:
My anger takes many different forms but I feel it does one major thing for me, it masks things for me, it enables me to hide behind it and protect myself so no one can see me, unfortunately I am also very angry at myself which possibly keeps me from looking at myself, I have not got to the root of it but I think there is a great sadness deep inside me and it is easier for me to feel anger than the pain of sadness.

Yes, sadness is painful but necessary ... do not fight it, let it come, feel it and then let it go ... I know it's a scare but it's temporary and there is no way around it. Instead of masking it with anger everytime it tries to come out, why not have a moment with yourself and summon it from the depths of your core? Deal with it ... it won't kill you. It will make you stronger. Anger hurts you more, not to mention the ones you love ... it's far more destructive than sadness. Sadness is more like grieving. You cannot move on unless you've mourned what you need to mourn.

Bob73 wrote:
Recently my anger has taken a different course, since D-Day about six weeks ago and with a promise with my partner to not act out from that day on, I have become increasingly angry at every day stuff


Hmm ... this sounds like they say in the lessons ... without the crutch of your acting out to help you manage your emotions, the pressure increases incrementally ... You need to replace your acting out with other healthy fulfilling activities. How are you doing with your action plans? Are you following through? Are they providing you enough positive emotional stimulation to make up for loss of unhealthy emotional stimulation that you are now abstaining from? If you don't follow through maybe you should change them. I know there are many areas that need work but prioritise the ones meant to give you more satisfaction ... joy ... happiness ... what are your hobbies, your passions ... what have you always dreamt of doing? what were your childhood dreams? Link them to your values and your vision. Make actions plans around those things ... you need to find sources of positive emotional stimulation or you won't be able to last long in limbo.

Bob73 wrote:
I had noticed I was starting to feel the very first glimpses of relapse (need for a fix) brewing and I conveyed this to my partner she tried to help me with finding the trigger and there were a few at the time to choose from and I thought we had nailed it as it seemed to go away.

You being able to share your struggle with your partner is something very good for your recovery. I also share with my H and if I miss anything he is bound to see it on my thread. However, it sounds like it's a team's job when it should be your recovery, your work of insight ... Any help is more than welcome and it seems as if you respond positively but ultimately, you must develop your own insight and awareness. You need to take control of your own recovery, act how the workshop teaches you, apply the strategies and actions plans to your own situation, be proactive. Your partner should just "watch" and support your actions, not be involved/responsible for you finding and getting your answers. Share what you find but look on your own. Lend an ear to wise words but take responsability to analyse and see how they fit in with your situation. Ultimately, not the answers are important, but how you got to them. That is the skill and that is what you need to develop.

To wrap it up, I think you need to push with the lessons and not just do them but implement them ... use the strategies mentioned there in a consistent and systematic way. Every lesson is a step that brings you closer to the peak of the mountain. Don't lose your focus. By doing and implementing the lessons you actually take charge of your own recovery and you build the skills. As chaotic as it all seems and is, it will all align if you follow the path.

You can do it and we all know it. Dare and it's yours to grab!

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Dealing with Anger
PostPosted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:52 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:56 am
Posts: 849
Location: Sweden
Hi Bob

You got some great advice from Ursula IMO.

Quote:
I have always seen myself as not an angry person, but have realised that just because I am not outwardly angry it does not mean that I am not angry. and I have indeed been an angry person for many decades


Great insight. That took me a long time to realize but you got there fairly quickly. Good for you. Have you ever heard the expression gaslighting? I.E. to gaslight someone? That's what I did to my wife and all my partners. Took me a while to connect the dots between that behaviour and my bouts of rage.

A tip: I identified some patterns that perhaps did seemed innocuous but that I realized led to unhealthy, aggressive behaviour in the end. For example, making jokes at other people's expenses. Nowadays I don't make jokes on anyone else's expense anymore. Or no, that's not true, I forget sometimes but then I apologize directly if it's someone who knows that I'm not even supposed to make seemingly innocent jokes. My mother thinks it's really weird that I don't make these jokes anymore and I can understand that but my values go before her's in this case and I don't see my relationship to anyone important suffering because I (almost) don't make these jokes anymore. What types of behaviour do you connect to your anger issues? Do you need them? What purpose to they serve? How could you replace them? You don't need to answer me, but why not answer yourself?

Quote:
It is like I have swapped acting out to porn etc for acting out in anger and this has become a major problem for me right now I seem to be stuck in a corner numbed by anger, and my partner has had enough of the pain I am causing her and i have really hurt her with the cold angry, non compassionate, dame right nasty lifeless being I have turned into


Ursula made a good point here, that you've ended certain of your addictive rituals and thus you need some other sort of vent for your emotional stimuli. I think it's important to not see your anger issues as separated from your addictive issues. They may be part of different rituals or they might be connected in ritual chains (you're about to hit that part of the workshop soon so you'll see what I mean). Regardless, they're rituals that are symptomd of your current inability to handle any emotional imbalance without resorting to these types of behaviours. And just as with SA, you may feel that you don't have a choice with anger, that you just "get" agressive towards other people, but you choose. Just as with SA, there's an element of choice that we don't recognize if we don't train for it. Anger is an emotion, what you do with it is your choice. Some cry, some bottle it up, you (and I) lash out. Your partner is setting a boundary for you now, telling you that she doesn't tolerate your behaviour. What does your values tell you? How should you act if you follow them? You don't need to answer me, but why not answer yourself?

IMO, this is a great opportunity for you. I'm not saying that it's good that you're angry and I'm not saying that it's easy to reverse ingrained patterns, but what's good is that you have realized something about yourself and you've been able to identify more underlying emotions and reasons about why you act the way you do. The opportunity, as I see it, is the opportunity to get a deeper grasp of your emotional management strategies as as they are now and to see how your sexual addiction fits into a bigger picture. You're growing and here's hoping that you continue to do so!

:g:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Dealing with Anger
PostPosted: Fri Jan 02, 2015 6:16 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 1:39 am
Posts: 53
Thank you Ursula and Coach Martin for your extremely helpful replies.

It has actually taken the best part of fifty years and a partner with great insight to accept that I have passive anger as well as down right outwardly angry.

I agree that all these answers I have to find myself and I have started to look at all the other emotions that are there underneath the anger, there a great fear and sadness at the root, and this is something I need to look at/ deal with.

I had lost focus for a short while, but I am working on exercise 20 and for me this is a big one as it is throwing up so much stuff very painful stuff, but I am determined to work through it,

Thank you again for posting replies and for your support, this community is such a valuable life line. Thanks RN


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group