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PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 7:53 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 09, 2013 5:19 pm
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Update:

Talked with my therapist and he suggested basically that I communicate more on work related stuff, but by no means compromise your boundaries for this coworker that would be more emotional rescuing. Just say my boundaries are rigid but clear and they have to remain so because I am fighting for my marriage. Good advice, I am ready for tomorrow.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 7:39 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:56 am
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cototk2 wrote:
Update:

Talked with my therapist and he suggested basically that I communicate more on work related stuff, but by no means compromise your boundaries for this coworker that would be more emotional rescuing. Just say my boundaries are rigid but clear and they have to remain so because I am fighting for my marriage. Good advice, I am ready for tomorrow.


I would say that this sounds ok. I am also facing similar problems with coworkers where I work and I felt that your rules are a good guideline. I will adapt them to my needs of course but they seem very aware and a good starting point for my own list.

I would also say that you have no obligations towards anyone in your workplace that supercedes your obligation to yourself. I'm not expert, I'm an addict like yourself, but I find that one of my weaknesses is that I prioritize other people's expectations and reactions towards me above myself or my partner. I see this as one of my triggers actually, one of the short-cuts that my addiction uses to get into my life. I feel that your colleague's response is understandable but it is none of your concern. She's not respecting or not understanding your addiction if she makes social demands on you. And by being "awkward" around her, you're actually protecting her from being objectified, by YOU.

Sorry if I've come on too strongly. You seem to be handling this in a mature way. I just wanted to give you thumbs up and to encourage you to be "awkward" and to not live up to social expectations, if it means progress for your health. :g:


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 2:39 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 27, 2008 10:26 am
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I saw this post when it first came on the forum, and it slipped by me. Going to bump it back up to the top.

One of the boundaries I have established is: "I don't make friends with women." Period. I work in the construction industry, so my situation may be a little different, as I work primarily with men. Nevertheless, I will occasionally have female work associates in varying roles. I am not rude to the women I encounter at work. I am polite, courteous, and professional. But, I am never "friendly". I never give the impression that I am available, to any degree at all. It's not that hard, really.

If that is a boundary that you've already crossed, and have become emotionally intimate with a female co-worker, I can see how that might create difficulties. I remember reading a book called, "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. The one concept from that book that stood out to me is this: "When you establish boundaries with another person where there were previously no boundaries, the other person will not like it, and will resist those boundaries." So, if you previously have not had intimate boundaries with female co-workers and then, you suddenly implement boundaries, the female co-worker will not like it. You have to remain strong in your own boundary, because the other person will try to resist and push through the boundary you've set.

I carry the absolute boundary of no women friends outside of work, too. If my wife and I are friends with a couple, it's the same principle. I am never rude, and am friendly to our friends. But, I prefer a handshake to a hug. I do not share emotional intimacies.

It's not really that hard. You can establish boundaries with females without being rude. It's really just a matter of determining what's important to you and following through with it.

Tim


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 9:24 am 
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I would think some of this issue is related to objectification in some strange ways.

I believe the fantasy inherent in this issue springs from objectification because you have it in your head what a relationship like this will be like, and you were continually trying to find that connection. Excitement was derived from that period of time where you were still trying to establish that fantastical relationship and before you realize it wasn't going to turn out the way you wanted. Your conscious mind may have been saying one thing as to why you were seeking the relationship, but there were elements which match objectification, because you were not giving the other person credit for being an individual. You were still seeing her as an object.

So how do we fix it? You need those boundaries, and you may need to be as extreme as CoachTim. His boundary is effective for him because he sees a real danger for him. I also think you need to eliminate number 7 from your list, and any other rule you can rationalize by telling yourself you are doing something for everyone. If your addict mind gets what it wants, it won't be everyone you give something to, and your addict brain will spend a lot of time rationalizing rules like that just to get what it wants.

What I would say is that you need to learn about your co-workers from a neutral position, meaning treat any co-worker by these rules you establish. I don't know where or what your work is, but friendship is a constant here, and you need to change the way you make friends in general, not just who you make friends with. I suggest you apply your boundaries to all of your new at-work friendships. Of Course you already have friendships at work and I am not suggesting you change those. I am suggesting you apply all of the boundaries you can which are on your list to friends of with either gender because you need to shift your perception of friendship as well as your perception of women.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:07 pm 
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For me, I realized that I may have to come off as rude to the opposite sex. When I was younger and single if a woman seemed flirty I'd try to reciprocate the flirtation. However since I've been in a serious relationship (and now married) I've always stuck with my boundaries and if someone seems interested or flirtatious I just keep a straight face and ignore the flirtatious comment and talk about work related things. It feels very uncomfortable at first, as if you're being insulting the the other person, but they learn very quickly that you're not someone who wants that kind of attention and they stop.

Also, I know when you're recovery we have a tendency to want to over-analyze everything and vocalize everything. If you went past a boundary with a co-worker it might be best to just start the correct behavior. Telling them you broke a boundary with your wife seems kind of intimate and I don't think they even need to know that information. So just stop the behavior and if the situation comes up again and she tries to have lunch with you alone you can just suggest you eat with the other co-workers or say you'll be working during your lunch so maybe some other time. She'll get the picture real quick that you're avoiding having lunch with her alone and if she's mature enough she'll respect that and not make a big deal about it. You'll probably come off as rude but unfortunately that's what you have to expect. Their feelings might be hurt for a minute but you'll boundaries will be firmly in place and they'll know where you stand and their feelings won't be hurt next time.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2015 10:06 pm 
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Hi cototk2,

You are really strong and lucky that you have avoided the temptation at your weakest part. Good thing you are still faithful to your wife. God has never allow things that could ruin your relationship with your wife. He has a plan on both of you to have a great family in the future. Stay strong and have faith to your wife.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 26, 2015 8:49 am 
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Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 317
Great thread.
Understanding the difference between knowing a person superficially or as an equal makes a big difference. Also, the whole concept of making friends, as far as boundaries are concerned, should also have to do with honesty with yourself and your significant other. I agree with the no private meetings rule, but consider how willing you are to share about you're meeting(s) with this person. There is tension that would build, and you have to remain aware of the changes in your feelings. And the motivations and thoughts behind those feelings.

Just some thoughts, it's good you bumped this, it gave me an opportunity to think about a subject i don't really consider much these days.

Rel8ed2


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