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 Post subject: hiding
PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 11:35 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 09, 2009 8:46 am
Posts: 26
Hello all, the last time i was on was over 5 years ago. At that time, i felt like i was in a good healthy place and quit posting, contributing and reading and right now I'm not sure if that ever was the caseor i was ever in that place. I've slowly spiraled downward looking "every once in a while" until i was caught by my wife this morning by my wife in our bed with my cell phone masturbating to a free porn site. I was facing away from the door and didnt realize she was there. My son was also in the bed facing away from me. I usually go to the bathroom but was too lazy this morning to even do that. I feel like i don't know where to start because right now i feel like i never started.


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 Post subject: Re: hiding
PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 11:58 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 09, 2009 8:46 am
Posts: 26
Jesus christ, rereading my post I'm already trying to justify and rationalize.


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 Post subject: Re: hiding
PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 5:58 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3745
Location: UK
LtL
Quote:
I feel like i don't know where to start because right now i feel like i never started.

and it appears that you never did
however you do know where to start
you are on that start line right now
so what are your intentions?
cross the line and go for it or give up
so from me its either hello or goodbye
please choose correctly
and NOW

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: hiding
PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2015 9:22 pm 
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Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2015 4:57 am
Posts: 70
That's scary man! Not for y0u, but for your wife and child. If you are not, right now (or from that moment on) thinking of their welfare, then you'll never start. You will actually cross a line that is so far in the other direction that you'll irreparable damage yourself with regret and pain which will be unbearable. Since she caught you -talk to her. You need help. Don't be like so many of us and go down this road. You have no choice but to decide now. You're on that cliff and pornography (or free pornography as you call it) is going to cost you your life and cost them dearly as well. Be happy that she was there. You can survive this. But you MUSTget out of the dark. Stop this now!!!


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 Post subject: Re: hiding
PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 2:25 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:38 am
Posts: 263
Hi learntolove,

Based on the number of posts you've made I'm assuming you never finished the Recovery Workshop either? Yet you convinced yourself you were in a healthy place and could just wing it from there, right? If you had gone through the workshop you'd learn a lot about complacency and how dangerous it is, even to a healthy mind. That even healthy individuals who have left addiction behind for years need to consistently monitor their values and emotions because maintaining health is a lifelong process. You can't just "become healthy" and suddenly you're permanently off scott-free. The addictive mind constantly looks for the easy way out, the path of least resistance and that's the trap you fell into.

So it sounds like you need to start from the beginning. That is, if you're truly looking for recovery. You may be worried now that you're experiencing all the major consequences of your actions (putting your own child in an extremely inappropriate situation, being unfaithful to your wife, etc.). But in time even those major consequences will fade from your mind so unless you actually want to change deep down in your heart, and you put the very hard work and effort into changing, then it will all be temporary. Just another detour of pretending to recover and then "oh it looks like I'm healthy again" and then back to complacency and then the same rituals and same addiction. There's either a path of recovery or a path of addiction, there's no half-way mark. So if you ever find yourself trying to be stuck "half-way between" then you're just deluding yourself because you're flying straight to back to addiction and you don't realize it or you're just pretending that you aren't. I know addiction is comforting and it's been a great way to soothe your emotions but you have to decide for yourself to give them up, and not because your wife or child wants you to, but because you deserve better and you deserve a happy and healthy life.


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 Post subject: Re: hiding
PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2015 2:53 am 
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2015 5:51 pm
Posts: 5
I know it's painful, but we've got to tell others. We've got to live for others . It's too easy to screw up when you've just living for yourself, not enough motivation at least not for me. That's part of the reason I joined this forum; no more double life. I do a lot of work in my church and I don't want this porn addiction getting me down. I'm not telling you this so you believe in God, but I believe we owe to other to be honest and not live a double life. For example, i've been clean about 40 days but I almost failed today. I ran to this forum for support. We are all in this together and we can all beat our addictiond


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