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PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:57 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
There have so many times that I have lied, cheated, stolen, committed adultery and despite the efforts and even successes of overcoming these in at least the major of offenses, there is still the fact that I WAS all of these things, a liar, cheater, stealer and adulterer . . .even if not legally identified, I am a registered adulterer, a convicted thief and compulsive liar in the eyes of my wife, whom all of these offenses were committed against.

In an effort to realign myself with positive values and restore myself, I have been making strides in all the above areas . . .I have not had sex outside of marriage, I have not looked at porn, I have not stolen money from our family trust, I have not lied about anything that I would consider major . . .there have been a few, what I would call insignificant lies, which I later have come to recognize that there are no lies that are insignificant . . for the last 16 months since being found out by my wife . . .

I am currently struggling with the reality that the way I am living, I cannot let my past define me.
But in fact, I will always be the one that cheated on my wife, that stole outrageous sums of money from my family's trust, that had sex with countless whores and bold faced lied the entire ten years to my wife . . .those are things that will always be . . .they are things that cannot be forgotten and maybe only forgiven by God, not a human being.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 11, 2015 1:47 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
DBAck,

DBAck wrote:
There have so many times that I have lied, cheated, stolen, committed adultery and despite the efforts and even successes of overcoming these in at least the major of offenses, there is still the fact that I WAS all of these things, a liar, cheater, stealer and adulterer . . . even if not legally identified, I am a registered adulterer, a convicted thief and compulsive liar in the eyes of my wife, whom all of these offenses were committed against.

The harm done to your wife and to the relationship is more or less obvious to you as you see your partner's struggle to cope with the reality and you continue to be affected by the disequilibrium you've created. However, the harm done to yourself is not standing out so clearly but it is an essential piece in the puzzle. I believe that without gaining a deep understanding of how you've harmed yourself you might not be able to reach the nature and level of motivation required. It also has a lot to do with rebuilding your identity. So, I encourage you to ask yourself ... what have I done to myself?

For a bit of inspiration, I copy here what I once wrote to someone, maybe you can find it helpful.
"I don't know if you are familiar with the parable of the boiled frog.

'If you place a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will immediately try to scramble
out. But if you place the frog in room temperature water, and don’t scare him, he’ll stay
put. Now, if the pot sits on a heat source, and if you gradually turn up the temperature,
something very interesting happens. As the temperature rises, the frog will do nothing.
In fact, he may show every sign of enjoying himself. As the temperature gradually
increases, the frog will become groggier and groggier, until he is unable to climb out of
the pot. Though there is nothing restraining him, the frog will sit there and boil. Why?
Because the frog’s internal apparatus for sensing threats to survival is geared to sudden
changes in the environment, not to slow, gradual changes.'

I believe we are very much like that frog, incapable of sensing danger to our being as it comes incrementally over a life span. We adapt and adapt and we put our consciousness and values to sleep until we think this is how it's supposed to be, this is who we are and we've always been. Even when we are boiling in self-destruction we don't seem to realize the extend of the harm to our being. Most of us are able to detect it only through the pain and misery we cause to our loved ones. (...) For now you can see only the destruction exterior to you and you miss the fact that it is a reflection of the inner destruction.

Sex addiction is not about sex. It is mainly about self-worth and self-love and escapism. Don't think that because one feeds one's addiction, one takes care of one's "needs", therefore one loves oneself. It's quite the opposite."


DBAck wrote:
which I later have come to recognize that there are no lies that are insignificant . .

Excellent point. The very fact that you are behaving in an dishonest way distroys the trust ... not only other people's trust in you but also your trust in yourself, your confidence in your ability to become honest and act in an earnest way.

DBAck wrote:
I cannot let my past define me.

The past plays a very special role in recovery. The past is not to be brushed off or used as a source of guilt and shame. The past is to be owned. That can only happen when using the concepts learnt in the workshop you come to a deeper understanding of why you did all this, if it could have been helped / prevented / stopped ... and what is the difference now, what guarantees you will not return to these behaviours once/if the pressure subsides. Once you have a clear image of these things, you understand the past and become confident in the changes, the past is owned. Until then, my advice will be not to try to solve the conflict as you do not have the skills to do so. Just put it aside for now as something you will have to deal with later. Don't try to brush it off too quickly and don't let the guilt and shame overwhelm you. Believe that despite the things you've done there is a road to redemption. Jon proved this to us all. Be patient with yourself and believe that if you do the work to the best of your abilitites without holding back, the day will come when you will be at peace with yourself.

Be well,
Ursula

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 12:30 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Yes, the Frog in the Kettle . . .that is a portion of my issues . . . although there were messed up foundations that I tried to shore up, be it very poorly over the years . . .with the pressure of trying to live one way with a values foundation that was not solid . . .I slowly boiled away with no hope of climbing out, let alone jumping out of the boiling pot. The good news is the fact that the whole pot was dumped out into some cool water, probably days before I totally self destructed into the world of sexual perversion . . .and there was enough cool water and healing minerals in the water that over the last 16 months I have come to a place where I can breathe . . .still working on issues of truth and focus but at a place where with truth and focus I can function in a healthier way toward personal healing and begin to carry on a relationship that has a bit of hope in it with my wife . . .


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 29, 2015 9:33 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
I continue to walk with a new focus on the values that will keep me away from the crap that I was obsesses with . . .looking at the positive results of living focused on loving my wife, loving my family and ultimately loving myself in a positive way eliminates the life that captured my decision making skills and I let allow skew my mind, heart and soul.
(I am trying to not use the word but in this response)
I continue to struggle with the fact that my wife still defines me as the lying, cheating, stealing, pervert that I was . . .how long? Most likely forever that will be the case . . .that cannot define me, and I need to focus on BEING, not just doing, right.


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