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 Post subject: Attached - the book
PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2015 9:25 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:46 am
Posts: 35
Just thought I would mention that I have been reading a book called Attached. It has been very interesting and to me compliments the work here. Just thought I would mention it in case anyone else might find it helpful.


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 Post subject: Re: Attached - the book
PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2015 1:35 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:13 am
Posts: 687
Queenbuzz,
So glad you are still with us, I had been wanting to welcome you for awhile!

I will look up the book, title is very fitting for this site:) So much good info out there these days, great to supplement what we do on here. I was reading Patrick carnes trauma bonds last night online, great stuff. If u wanted to share anymore about the book I would be interested.

Good for u posting in community forum before a crisis, then u are used to it if and when u need help. So glad u are here
Peace

_________________
"When everything else is stripped away the essential is reveled." B.K.S. Iyengar


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 Post subject: Re: Attached - the book
PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2015 3:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:46 am
Posts: 35
Thank you theadog. I've still been working on my recovery. I have a lot of anxiety and have been trying to work through the issues brought forward by my father's death. I'm taking in as much as I can to try to understand what led me to this place in my life. I have a couple of the exercises that I did as Google documents but haven't posted.


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 Post subject: Re: Attached - the book
PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2015 3:36 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:46 am
Posts: 35
There's a lot online about attachment theory. It's an interesting subject. There is also new research suggesting you can rewrite your attachment style by reliving your childhood as you think it should have been. I find that fascinating. I always assumed I had an anxious attachment type but through several online quizzes, discovered I am fearful-avoidant. This actually makes a great deal of sense to me as my father abandoned me when I was little and I was molested as a child and raped as a teen. So, I like the idea of being romantically attached, but become extremely panicky when I feel like anyone is getting too close to me.


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 Post subject: Re: Attached - the book
PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 9:01 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:13 am
Posts: 687
QueenBuzz,
Thanks for posting helps me a lot to think these things through and talk about them:)
Can so relate with everything you are saying. I was sexually abused as a child then raped at 14 years old, really messes with development in all areas, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, interpersonally. It warps our whole sense of ourselves and the world. Looking out at the world through the lens of shame. All my thoughts, emotions, behaviors and decisions were filtered through this terrified, degraded, powerless, worthless sense of self. Everything I did was in response to this early abuse. I never knew I deserved anything better till I got here. I was so emotionally immature now I am often one of the most emotionally stable people in a situation, it truly is a miracle! My biggest weakness is now a source of strength. It is like I came in the workshop one person and came out another. I am still amazed at how something happens and it is now automatic to turn to patience, equanimity, confidence, compassion, loving kindness and unconditional friendliness. I go through this value sequence in my mind and by the time I have done this my breathing has returned to normal, heart rate has gone down, I can think straight. Trauma response is short circuited or reduced significantly. Instead of going into extreme imbalance, I recognize the imbalance and turn to my action plans that lead me to the state I want to be in. It took two and a half years of pretty much constant work but it is yucky to think where I could have been if I had stayed in addiction for two and a half more years. Totally insane comes to mind. Instead two and a half years later I have a life management strategy that keeps me balanced, it absolutely works, even in the the face of what in the past I would interpret as extreme emotional and psychic danger.

Since I have been twenty I have tried all kinds of help for trauma/ relationship addiction. I knew what the problem was, I was pretty aware of what was happening. While these avenues helped me understand the problem better, they did not offer the skills I needed in the face of emotional collapse. I needed to learn the developmental skills taught in the workshop, ones that healthy people learn when they are 5, 10, 15 years old.

I am going to try what you said about rewiring attachment schemes by imagining the childhood I wanted. Jon talks about our brains not knowing the difference between what we create in our minds and what is really happening, we can use this to our advantage here. Thanks for sharing this idea. We deserve to
Create the environment we wanted in childhood, safety, security, protection, love, time to play, create and explore. Be ourselves without being intruded upon. If we learn the skills to overcome addiction we will have it. We will be our protecter, our savior.

My mother died in the middle of doing the workshop the first time. She was very abandoning also. I read something at that time that made so much sense, it is often harder to resolve grief with a parent when there was a conflicted relationship. That what we need to do is accept that there is no more time to fix it make it better, it was what it was. That really hit home for me. It was a huge blessing in that I get the mortality thing now, I know without a doubt I have limited time. I always felt like I had forever to get it together I don't. Through this workshop I have become very clear on the patterns with her that contribute to my relationship addiction problem. Why I did what I did. It now makes sense and I have peace with it, another unexpected miracle. You can have these miracles too. All I did was dig deep, be honest with my core self, took my wounded child part with me instead of leaving her behind, was willing to accept pain as the gateway to freedom and did all the lessons to the best of my ability at the time. I slipped, I relapsed, I wasn't perfect but I kept getting back up as quick as I could after i realized what was happening. You can do this. Jon really makes it pretty easy for us, he lays it all out, we just need to do it.

It looks like you read a lot like me. Last night I was researching some heavy topics that pertain to the defenses we use to defend ourselves against the pain that leads to and perpetuates sex, love and relationship addiction. I was reading scholarly articles from experts in the field and they were advising intervention strategies. I would read one and think that's the lesson that jon has us connect with our innocent child self, that's the one where he encourages us to increase our skills in empathy, that the purpose of the boundary lesson, on and on. I didn't read one idea that was not addressed here. He truly has us covered, we are in expert hands if we want to change our lives and I believe you do, sucks living this way, no one deserves it.

If you want any feedback just ask, especially during this beginning phase. After people get more stable in their recovery, get the swing of this, we try and wean off too much guidance, wanting them to learn to turn to themselves as quickly as possible, so we don't recreate the dependency problems that got us here in the first place!

I see a lot of honesty in your thread, keep it up. Actually a lot of anxiety can mean your facing stuff, not fun though. When you do all the lessons you will have skills to help reduce this anxiety.

Proud to walking along side you on this journey, we are brave:)

_________________
"When everything else is stripped away the essential is reveled." B.K.S. Iyengar


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 Post subject: Re: Attached - the book
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2015 2:07 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 10:52 am
Posts: 120
Hi there everyone,

I read the book Attached as well, and have to say that it help me to understand some things about myself and my ex. And also very important how are attachment style is activated. I would recommend the book as well even though it's written in a very simple language.


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 Post subject: Re: Attached - the book
PostPosted: Thu Dec 03, 2015 10:42 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:13 am
Posts: 687
Hi,
Thank you guys for posting. I have been thinking about future intimate relationships as I would like one, concerned all this crap will come up. I know a couple of us are trying to wade through these deep waters. Wanted to share a super, super helpful concept that really helped me understand what was going on. If I don't understand it, it is hard to move past it, also helped with empathy towards myself, increases loving kindness, one of my highest values. The ultimate antidote is our values:). If you google Patrick Carnes, trauma bonds it will come up.

Take what you like and leave the rest, sending peace.



Trauma Bonds

by
Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., CAS
Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions. Abandonment causes
deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.
Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What
moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep
enough and the terror big enough, the body alters. The system elevates into an
alarm state, never safe. Waiting for the hurt again. In that state of readiness
the client doesn’t notice that part of them has died. The client is grieving.
Like everyone who has loss, the clients have shock and disbelief, fear,
loneliness, and sadness. Yet the clients don’t notice because their guard is up.
In their readiness, the clients abandon themselves. Yes, another abandonment.
What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the
clients. The clients may even blame themselves, their defects, their failed
efforts. The clients strive to do better as their lives slip away amongst all the
intensity.
These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort
their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The
clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which
almost guarantee more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called
trauma bonds.
Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds. These occur when a victim bonds
with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive
and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own
trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a
person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity.
A res the need for awareness about trauma.

Effects of Trauma on the Brain
When people are profoundly frightened, trauma creates a biological alteration
of the brain. At birth, only primitive structures like the brain stem (which
regulates fight/flight) are fully functional. In regions like the temporal lobes
(which regulate emotions and receive input from the senses), early experiences
wire the brain circuitry.
When early trauma/deprivation are present, the circuitry to and within the
temporal lobes are profoundly affected, resulting in emotional and cognitive
problems. Our primary brain goes into stimulation and is flooded with
neurochemicals. When the source of the fear goes away, the chemicals go
away. The person experiences cravings. They can become attached to trauma.
People become reactive human beings-going from stimulation to action without
thinking. PTSD is reacting years later to early trauma events
Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences. How far our
systems are stretched and for how long. Some events happen only once or just
a few times, but the impact is so great that trauma occurs. Trauma by
accumulation sneaks up on its victims. They become acclimatized. Traumas
that are horrendous and long lasting are the worst. Such was the holocaust. Or
Vietnam or 9/11.
Emotional scars can be so severe that generations descended from those
surviving will react in ways that still reflect the original trauma. No amount of
normalcy makes it safe. Patterns and attitudes evolve far beyond the individual
and are incorporated into family and society. <end>

_________________
"When everything else is stripped away the essential is reveled." B.K.S. Iyengar


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