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PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2015 11:46 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:13 am
Posts: 687
Happy thanksgiving everyone, hope we don't get bombed today, my prayers go out to us all, and especially those in Europe. Thinking of mortality, my short life ahead, I want to dig deep and share with you all.

Writing this for all who think they can't do it that they are beyond hope, I am with you. This is where I was 2 and half years ago, so I am going to write the true story of how I was living, will help me let go of this past self, identity.

I was so afraid of myself, others, and our interactions, my failures, that I left society, my job and built an an off grid Earthship in the middle of the desert, maybe one car would go by a day, my boyfriend and i built it, he was an alcoholic in recovery and looking back probably a porn addict. I was an extreme acted outer, trying destroy and degrade myself as I couldn't stand myself. The only peace I felt was when I was with someone I deludedly thought would protect me. Then we would torment each other. So he was sober three years, when we finished the earthship he went back to drinking. I would leave an go help build houses in Mexico, I liked risking my life, made me feel alive. So he kept drinking, playing with guns. Left and went and stayed with these people, they were doing meth, so to get back at him I did meth and slept with two of the guys there. (This is not easy to write afraid I will be judged, by a bunch of sex and love addicts !) but I encourage you all to dig deep and I know some of you can relate I read your threads! and i wonder why we are not sharing these things currently, they did in the early days of rn. Intention is to hopefully move as many of us to the core of what is going on inside us, that keeps us in shame and self hatred and save my own self, as I always do first, before messing with you all!

So he had chased me with an axe, and that is when I knew I had to leave, took my dog and my car and started across the country, sleeping in reststops, truck stops, I was terrified. But the longer I did it, I discovered an existance I never knew being mindful in the present, being around people everyday. Then I discovered national forests and peace, the only problem with this was the peace was coming from outside, I had not dealt with anything. Did this for three years. Met some great people out there, found out that the only time I was in danger was when I created it with people I knew. Never had one close call, even when I went to the projects to get weed, hung with gangsters. Was in romate areas. Actually met many great survivors out there.

So when I did get a house, of course I started the ball rolling again. Slept with a neighbor that had told me he had broken up with his girlfriend, sure enough that was a no as she are knocking on the door, he passed out on the floor and this is how I found recover nation. I was finally sick of it and when I read Jon's writing for the first time felt someone got me, that he knew the depths we can sink to, he danced alone, his story confirmed it.

My journey on here has not been a linear process of upward movement circled back to addiction many times. I had to address sexual abuse as a child, dads extreme narrassim, using me, not able to met any of normal needs growing up, rape at 14, pregnant at 17, moms hating me, substance abuse, post traumatic stress and extreme social anxiety and depression. You can see why I say if I can do it anyone can, I mean it.!

Could go on and on but I need to get out in the world, see my people so I will wrap with how much being on here has changed my life. Today I go and volunteer at the homeless outreach, love it, provides healthy stimulation. Then I go to a very fulfilling job as an home health aid today it is a wonderful 90 year old woman who had a stroke. Yesterday was a woman who has a head injury, who is sooo fun, haven't laughed like this in years, we go do fun things all day, she is teaching me how to relax and have fun, teaching me games, cards, living and enjoying the moment. When I left the world I was teaching a collage class and have no problem with less pay and "status" don't want to live my life for a illusionary success anymore. Part of the public, social self, vs healing the core self. I would really like to share my life with someone, beginning to think of it, not quite there yet. Going to start working on the lesson on sexual boundaries, as I did not do it before, wasn't ready to open that can of worms, can now, have the skills to stabilize. Yoga and buddhism along with rn have been how I am healing that my lost inner core, discovering the real, we all are really ok at the core:). Even me.

Look forward to interacting with you all, we truly have an opportunity to have what we want in life, sending peace to you all, gratefully and respectfully theadog.

_________________
"When everything else is stripped away the essential is reveled." B.K.S. Iyengar


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2015 7:36 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3809
Location: UK
TaD
great openness and honesty
and I respect and honour you for it

you are a credit to yourself and this community

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2015 1:44 am 
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General Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Hi there, Theadog,

You are a brave soul for sharing your story. I'm afraid mine is not so exciting, actually quite boring and average ...
I've had an empty childhood, can't remember happiness and joy, maybe only when we would spend the summer with our cousins. I might have been abused as a child sexually (there are some weird memories and details) but I can't remember for sure ... makes no difference to me anyways at this point ... I'm ok with not knowing for sure, it doesn't change what I need to do in the present ... Highest performance in school was a must, a given, anything lower than that would create extreme anxiety and a sense of rejection from my dad. My mom was an absent figure, at work or in the kitchen, never really there ... I remember one time in fifth grade I did not study the lesson for that day in geometry and I got caught. The teacher gave me a chance to prepare for the next day so he can average the two results. The catch was that he was going to ask me from all the topics we've done that year, but I said I'll do it. I studied like crazy that day, long into the night, I was only 11. I did not say anything home but not so much to keep it hidden but because I was obsessing over how I will pull it off ... it was a race against time ... I managed to review everything, all theorems and exercises ... the next day the teacher asked me all kinds of tricky questions, I remember my colleagues were so fascinated that the silence was deafening ... I've made no mistakes, not even one ... he gave me the highest distinction and averaged it against the previous grade. I went home excited to tell my dad about my achievement, I felt so confident, almost intoxicated with pride. All my dad could hear was that I did not study that day and I flunked ... he gave me a hiding not sure for what ... for not telling or not studying or both ... I grew up with almost no self-confidence, my mom had to force me to apply for the best highschool in town, I wanted one of the mediocre ones so I can be sure I will get in ... I have no resentments towards my parents, I just wish I could do better as a parent but it proves quite a difficult task ...

My first attempt with a real boy (I was already living mostly in my head having all kinds of fantasies ever since kindergarten) was when I was 14 but I did not agree to being kissed because he asked me instead of just doing it ... yes, I wanted to, but having to say yes would have made me feel bad about myself ... I was raised to think sex and anything related was dirty and I should save myself ... I didn't want to be with him cause he would make grammar mistakes and I would feel so ashamed ... I have no idea who he was as a person ...
At 16 I started a long-term relationship with someone who blackmailed me into having sex ... I think that the possibility of him being with someone else hurt more than being rejected, I gave in and became a part of his family (such a rescue from my own disfunctional one) for some years until he decided he wanted something new and dumped me.
I jumped into having an affair with my friend's boyfriend. The distraction provided a way to get through the shock of losing my fiancee. I stopped it when I realised the guy was actually enjoying the situation and I started hating myself with a passion for doing this to my friend and putting her in this situation. This continues to be the biggest regret in my life, the biggest wound I inflicted on myself and probably others.
I immediately found someone else who expressed an interest but soon became obvious he was using me and probably had many more. He broke it off after he got what he was after.
Got involved with someone else, we married but he was not sharing the same values as me, it didn't last one year.
Became involved emotionally with one of our acquitances while the marriage was ending, moved together for some years until it became obvious it's not leading to having a family ... I think it had been obvious from the start but I never wanted to see it.
Started seeing someone at work, we tried to make it work but we both had issues. In a moment of anger we split and I went on the internet, three hours later I was in another relationship, long distance, accross countries, meeting in hotels and such, but not keeping in touch much between dates which made it perfectly clear he was using me for sex. Actually, I was using him also, as I did with any of them, but unfortunately, at this point in time that was something I could not see or comprehend ... I let him go after 3 months but I should have done so after 3 weeks.
Started the internet dating again, compulsively, almost meeting one guy, who turned out to be very dodgy, glad fate got in the way. Eventually I met my H and we married only to discover 10 months later he was a SA. After that revelation I had the compulsion to go back to internet dating, spent a couple of hours talking to some guys and felt so disgusted with myself and with them that I've decided I would not run away again, I will face the whole thing even if it kills me. What did happen is I started connecting the dots, seeing all these disparate fragments of my life as one flow with a meaning ... and I did not like what I saw. I did the lessons and even though there were some issues with porn, fantasy and masturbation, the biggest challenge has been to stop clinging on to my spouse, to make my thoughts about myself, to make my life about myself. I managed to do that, I'm ok with the degree of emotional independance I have from him. Now I'm studying towards building a professional foundation which would give me the balance, the openness and the stability I want to achieve. Meanwhile I keep working on myself compassionately, recognising my limitations and trying to accept the "not so nice" parts of myself as well. I believe there has been a complete turnaround in my life and I am most grateful for it. For the first time it feels as if I belong to myself, I've grown to have a relationship with myself, I care about myself and I try to do what's best for me, i.e. act in line with my values. I no longer run away from myself through pursuing relationships and using sex as a tool to secure someone else sticks around. I am quite proud I've put a stop to it. So proud that it will always be part of me, it defines me and so I know I will never go back.

Thank you for the opportunity to share.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 10:58 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:13 am
Posts: 687
Ursula, thank u so much for sharing your story, I never knew:). I am teary thinking of the little girl u trying so hard for what every kid needs, wants and deserves. Makes total sense why we continue on with trying to find libe on all the wrongnplaces after that;). This to me is the power of our truthful stories, the deeper connection with ourselves and others. This reminds me the value of not forgetting where I came from, at this time in recovery it is a little tempting to want to bury the truth of my past but then I run a risk of resuming a role. Burying "the bad me" getting praise and social acceptance. When I got hired to teach that class one of my first thoughts was now my mom will be proud of me, finally. Asked her and dad to come to the bookstore excited and proud, showed them my PowerPoint asked for help and feedback, assuming we would work on it, moms says u are being too perfectionstic, I listened to her for an hour talk about herself. Heart closed even more that day. From your story that memory came back to me vividly, perfect timing while I am deciding how I want to interact with the world. Thank u! Hope day is a good one!

_________________
"When everything else is stripped away the essential is reveled." B.K.S. Iyengar


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 1:18 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:46 am
Posts: 35
My dad left us when I was just a baby. I’ve often had a feeling that there must be something wrong with me to have been abandoned. My mother was very depressed and a hoarder. She never showed affection and often seemed to fantasize about our demise.

When I was 11, a family member started molesting me. It went on for a few years and I was paid in candy. I wasn’t sure what to think about it at the time. I was mostly confused.

When I was 14 I got my first boyfriend and he immediately tried to have sex with me and then dumped me. I saw him afterwards with a new girlfriend. I was very upset by the situation so I retaliated by having sex with another boy.

This began a pattern of constant sex during highschool. I felt like if I saw more than one person at a time, I could reduce the risk of being hurt.

Then, when I was 17 I was raped and became pregnant. I had an abortion. I felt horrible. This led to a several year complete abstinence.

In college I dated a few people and then met my future husband. I became monogamously involved with him for well over a decade. I thought my life was set.

Then, our son was born and we had significant marital problems. I began having an affair. Then, the affair went sour and I went off the deep end and started seeing lots of people.

I decided to get my life back together and go back to normal life. I got divorced and then got remarried. My second marriage isn’t as smooth as the first. We seem to have lots of difficulties, especially regarding my son. Then, I had a breast cancer scare and started thinking about how limited our time here on earth is. I contacted an old boyfriend and began seeing him for a physical relationship. Then, that wasn’t enough so I started finding new people. I didn’t have sex with them, but I flirted and talked about sex. Finally, I met someone who I connected with physically and emotionally and I fell pretty hard. He is like an addiction. I know he’s bad for me, but I have a hard time shaking him. We haven’t had sex in almost a year, yet we still talk daily. In June, I started having severe panic attacks and vomiting. I realize that it’s due to the guilt I feel for what I have done. The panic and anxiety consume a large portion of my day. I was able to end the physical relationship with my old boyfriend fairly easily. Last week I tried to end the relationship with the emotional boyfriend and I had great difficulty. Now I feel like I will never be free.


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