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 Post subject: 2016 Plus one
PostPosted: Sun Jan 03, 2016 3:52 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Hi All, This is a resopnse to my recent post........

I objectify women, but through contact with RN I am findig a way to deal with my aberations. I have recently spent a week away with my wife and family and can say that I have been in plenty of stuations where I would have previsouly objectified women, but with control, have not, and have enjoyed the family break. I have been in situations where I would have previously looked at waitresses, other customers, anyone with a pulse! but have been able to understand that my values are focused on my wife. This is not however aparent to her and I struggle to make her understand this. It is very difficult to make here understad that my values have been examined and that she is the only thing in life that I want. I also understand that there is no tangible way of proving this.

Any suggestions wold be gratfully recieved!


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 Post subject: Re: 2016 Plus one
PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 8:02 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 9:02 am
Posts: 116
Hi Foward Control,

I hear you. I look at my life now and am seeing just how much pain I have caused my wife and to what level I have lost her trust in areas specific to my issues. And she and I are at very different points in the recovery/healing process. I thought that as I made steps in recovery she would open up and trust more, but actually what has happened is that she feels safe to finallyt look at the issue more fully and so that is where she is at. She can't really thinking about building trust, because she is just coming to understand what addiction and recovery is all about and what has actually been happening and at deeper level than what she understood before. That is our reality right now. She justifiably worries that any electronic device i have is a gate way to porn and that there is really no way for her to know whether or not I am using them to access porn online. I created this situation and now I am determined to live up to my values and over time demonstrate to my wife that I am trust worthy.

I love my wife and think she is beautiful and want her to be the center of my affection. She doubts that, but I know that she wants to believe it. Frequent, open, honest communication seems to be a huge help in building trust with my wife. When I stop talking about what is happening inside she starts to lose trust. Be open, quickly after an urge or slip and being honest about it, though painful to her seems to also build trust, she has made it very clear to me that while she feels anger and pain, she feels she can trust me more when I share.

Being proactive with setting myself up for success and talking about what I am doing to deal with potential trigger situations has also been a huge help in building trust. She wants to see action and words lining up.

Not being defensive when she accuses or shares how I've hurt her. Even when she unfairly blames or accuses me. Validating her pain in situations like this has been helpful too, she wants to know I care and understand, this has helped build trust in our relationship.

I'm taking the long view of building trust, it could take years and she may never completely trust me... ever. It's a painful thought, but when I look at how I've behaved I know that I created the situation and what's more she wants to trust me! The fact that my wife can not trust her husband may be the most painful part of the whole addiction. I'm not going to wallow in that though, I take any glimmer of hope that she may be willing to trust me and try to build on that. I don't like sharing my feelings and talking about what's going on inside, but if that is a path towards building trust I'm going to take it and consequently what she needs from me has actually been very helpful for me, I just didn't want to see that before.

I'm still working it out too and have just shared from my experience, I've taken many insights about this issue of trust from threads on the community form, I encourage you to dig through other peoples questions and the responses they've received too. You are not alone in wondering why your progress seems to have little or no impact on your wife's view of you and your behavior even when you are making progress.

Keep growing, keep learning.


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 Post subject: Re: 2016 Plus one
PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 5:01 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Hi There and thanks for your considered responses. They are really helpfull in determining how my wife reacts and thinks about our relationship. All the time you spend to reply to my ramslings is heartfully recieved.

These are a couple of pointa that trouble me.....

We have a friend that has been an alchoholic for many years. She has now given up the booze and has indeed gone beyond a year without the demon drink. Great I say but I look at her and think, I wish others would trumpet my achievements in the same way as her friends (my wife is one of them) does. My addicton tho conquered in my mind would still be looked on with derision if I tried to speak out. Somehow the alcoholic, even if they have a slip, is a morally better person than me.

You talk of speaking out to your wife. I see the hurt and anger in here eyes even tho she encorouges me to speak out. It is very upsetting for us both. Am I the only one in this situation?

Your responses will be much appreciated.


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 Post subject: Re: 2016 Plus one
PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2016 12:38 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2013 12:26 pm
Posts: 189
Hi Forwardcontrol

IMHO, I would refrain from comparing addictions as they are different and furthermore the same addiction may affect different people in a variety of ways. The nature of our addictions even here on RN might be common but we have very unique problems and the degree of the devastation we have caused to ourselves and to those we claim to love varies.
As you say, your wife's friend is a recovering alcoholic, she may have caused havoc in her life and in the lives of those close to her including your wife but she is a friend and not a partner. In your case, you betrayed your wife's trust, now that's totally different from the alcoholic friend, can you compare your wife's reaction or attitude to how your friends' attitudes or how they view you?
In making this kind of comparison, you are doing yourself a disfavor by trying to control the outcomes of your efforts, this obviously has devastating effects seeing your efforts or accomplishments unappreciated. You run the risk of derailing your progress should you not be praised or patted on the back, what you need my friend is a kick in the butt. Do not do this to please your wife but do it for yourself, if you are praised that's just a bonus but otherwise be your own critic. Praise like respect should be earned, think about the pain you have caused her, the actions and decisions you took and ask yourself if you really deserve any praise? After all you should be doing this for you not her. RN encourages us as recoverers to work on our own recovery and let our partners work on their own recovery. It didn't make sense to me in the beginning but now I understand, we can not control our partners feelings nor anyone else's for that matter. Rather put your efforts in doing the right thing and being compassionate to your wife, be remorseful and try to put yourself in her shoes. Whether she appreciates your achievements or not should not the priority in your recovery, the priority is to get healthy and this will have a positive impact on her in the long run.

I hope this helps and wish you all the best

_________________
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.


Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.


Carl Jung


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 Post subject: Re: 2016 Plus one
PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2016 5:18 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Hi all, again thanks for your response to my questios.

My wife if very upset at he present. It looks like we will be splitting up soon because I just cant stop lieing. I'm expected to talk about every day I have at work in the sense of "have I recieved any triggers or have I objectified anyone". I try very hard to speak about this but mainly find that i have missed something out or told a lie about something that later comes to light. I coninue to do this and my wife just cant underestand that it is all unintentional, I seem to be in the situation now that any female that walks into my vision is a trigger and I have to talk through my day as if I am going from trigger to trigger. If I say, like today, all Ive done is spent my day in a workshop (I sell tooling) then I'm faced with derision and comments like "I'm sure you have managed to get a hit somewhere today". What can I do to reasure her that I am striving for recovery and that my day to day activities are just what they are, not objectification and not gaining triggers all the time. I am beinning to get to my wits end here.

I understand hat this is my recovery, not my wifes but it seems that she wants to know every step I take, sometimes on an hourly basis. Is this right?

I'd love to get some responses here, perhaps even some insights to how other couples figure this out.


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 Post subject: Re: 2016 Plus one
PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 11:46 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2014 6:37 pm
Posts: 161
Hi FC,

My wife wants much the same thing. She wants me to open up, be vulnerable with her and share every aspect of myself with her. Anything less is not enough for her. She feels that I am holding back some and questions if I am being honest with her. It took me some time but i am now seeing the opportunity this presents. The opportunity to grow as a person, to look deep inside myself and take my recovery and relationship to the next level. If I can't give her what she needs I don't want to look back and see that pride, shame, embarrassment, etc kept me from being all I could be. I don't know what the results of all this will be because I only control one side of the equation. I realize that I can't control or dictate how she feels about me and my recovery. In the end she will decide what is best for her and the only control I have over that is by the choices I make today.

Our situations sound similar and i seen your post and wanted to share how I see this for myself. Hope this helps some.

_________________
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau


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 Post subject: Re: 2016 Plus one
PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:32 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Hi there, Thanks for your comments. Unlike what seems the rest of the world, I dont do facebook or other social media and to have interaction on my problems is really great.

Currently I have lied this week to my wife about a couple of things but have brought them to her and said that I dont ulderstand the reaspns for doing this but have at least brought them to her for discussion. It was about seeing an image in the gym on some sort of advertising video that I took up with the manager about it being mysogonistic but I did this after telling my wife there had not been any triggers whilst I was in the gym. Weird but thats the type of hole I get in to.

I really do eel as though I understand my recovery process but I feel thet my wifes trust will be difficult to acieve,


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 Post subject: Re: 2016 Plus one
PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2016 1:08 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
I dug my own deep deep hole and by the cheating, lies and stealing that I did, in essence threw my wife in the hole or at least dragged her in with me when I was discovered 19 months ago . . .She is hurting because of what I did . . . she shared with me the quote, " The Axe forgets what the tree remembers" There was a lot of damage that I did and it will take time for the tree to heal if it ever does . . I am trying to own everything that I have done, enjoy the times that things are going well but remembering that damage has been done and reactions of not trusting are pretty much normal and to be expected at times and there is not really not guidelines to figure out when those times will occur . . .but I keep remembering that I need to own what I did and the consequences that have and will come with it . . .I need to stay focused on positive values and doing what I need to be doing . . .not for rewards from others but the rewards that come from living rightly . . .there will be times that I get discouraged but I am the root cause of those things . . keep moving forward and doing what is right, being honest and respectful.


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