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PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:37 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Recovery is progressing . . .there obviously are character patterns and value issues that remain and will continue to change and grow over time and commitment but I am in a bit of dilemma as to how to reconnect or connect for first times with real life, face to face people that can encourage, help and become friends. I am 19 months into this process which seems like forever but also know is not really the end of the expected road.

I have a myriad of acquaintances that people from the outside would see as my friends but the few true friends is very small and those people that are somewhat close I believe that I hooked onto because I perceived myself to be better that they were and I could control those friendships without really being confronted on anything . . .

I need to be around men that are better than I am . . .that is probably almost everyone that has a solid set of values, I realize, but I need to be with people that can have an understanding, not a condemnation of what I have been like . . .
I had been involved in SA about a year ago but the atmosphere of "once an addict always an addict" and the number of people that were constantly "slipping" in just the basics was discouraging . . .maybe I need to focus on the few that were not "slipping" rather on the more unsuccessful individuals. I am doing really pretty well with the sexual aspects of recovery, but I as I slowly go through the lessons I recognize that stopping the sex and even the focus in my mind on sex is the easy part . . .I am recognizing attitudes and approaches that need to change and am taking steps in those directions but still have some of theses ugly patterns

I have looked at the Samson Society and like their concepts and approaches but there seems to be nothing near me . . .Celebrate Recovery is a group that I may give more exploration to . . . what are some of the thoughts and experiences out there developing and connecting face to face with other men?


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 1:16 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:38 am
Posts: 263
Hi DBAck,

When it comes to developing friendships, I definitely understand your drive to reach out and connect on a deeper level with friends. However, building a good group of friends is often a very long process. I too found myself once feeling pretty disconnected. I had quite a few friends that I felt were just friendly on the surface but in reality we would only hang out once a year and rarely communicate. But I made developing friendship a value and I've continually developed the friendships I had. Things have been steadily improving every year which I'm very happy about.

I don't know if you necessarily have to find friendship in a recovery program though. Sexual addiction is something that would only be revealed to your closest friends, and even though you're going through this program you shouldn't allow sexual addiction to be part of your core identity and something you want people to associate you with. They also shouldn't need to condemn you because they really don't need to know. In my opinion, recovery is a very private and personal thing, that should definitely be shared with spouse/loved one because it affects them so much, but when it comes to sharing with friends I've honestly never shared that with any of them.

Maybe one day I'll feel comfortable enough to share my addiction with them. But then again I feel like friends are not there to be your therapists. You're supposed to have fun and enjoy yourself around them. And if they happen to be an addict too what happens if you recovery and they don't? Or they relapse and you don't? The added stress of talking about their relapse at a very personal level may end up destabilizing your own recovery if that's the friendship it turns out to be.

If you're looking for the perfect friend you're not going to find it. Everyone has plenty of flaws. It's a matter of making sure you're the best friend you can be (by continually working on yourself) and then connecting with people who have similar likes/dislikes or share hobbies. And try not to have the attitude that you're better than others. If you don't connect very well that's fine, you don't have to force friendship, but try and keep an open mind.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 1:33 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
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Thanks for the input . . .very few people outside of professionals, knows the issues besides my spouse . . this far in, I am hoping that is the extent of it . . .actaully in the last few weeks my concentration has been just focused on repairing and amending to my wife, and then a focus on my kids, grandkids and parents . . .when I actually think about it, that is probably a big enough group of people to deal with and serve right now . . .there doesn't really have to be a broader spectrum of people . . I am still putting things back together, living these positive values and learning how to be a productive companion and servant to my family . . I have stolen enough money, time and energy from them . . .this is probably the only way I can repay any of that and in reality, what a better group of people to bring joy to . . .

As opportunities come to have health interaction with other men, I need to do that also, but my concentration right now I believe is my wife and family.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 10:48 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3809
Location: UK
Hi DB
I totally agree with the comments of Robert
however in your response
Quote:
but my concentration right now I believe is my wife and family.

I would also add and include yourself

without a healthy DB then you would be less value , even liability to those that you love
that said
concentration on your family is something to cherish and honour :g:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 9:09 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
I have been so selfish for so long it is often difficult to recognize that I deserve anything . . .but I do understand that if I am not functional, the rest of it is a moot point and everything else will evaporate.

thanks for the encouragement and perspectives.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2016 8:04 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 9:02 am
Posts: 116
DB, great thoughts and good questions.

Quote:
I need to be around men that are better than I am


I don't know about better, but maybe further along or more mature in someway, I think those types of friends are good to have.

Sometimes friends like that are only around from time to time. This program encourages us to watch and learn from others, so I think it's good to make a point to spend time with people we think we can learn from outside of our immediate family. I've been working on building a more positive view of myself so I can approach a potential friendship with the idea that even if they are 'better' than me, I may still have something to offer in terms of friendship. Some people that have come through my life have found some fulfillment in being a coach type person for me, I don't think it's always a bad thing for us to be in a position where we feel like we are getting more than we are giving, receiving something is giving someone else the chance to give something.

On the flip side, and I know we have to be careful about staying on track with our recovery, but this program also suggests we help others who are not as far along as us. I also look for people who need something from me, these days I look for ways to encourage or help people but so far in ways unrelated to SA, things that I have some confidence and maturity in. It seems to help my confidence and it feels good to be giving something to help someone out.

I can relate to your question about wondering if you should find friends and where and if you really have the time to build a friendship when you 'owe' some much to those closest to you. I think what Kenzo said about taking care of yourself is right on and is the reason I've made building one or two friendships one of my values. I feel like I need a guy friend or two that I can be a guy with, doesn't have to be super deep or anything, just sharing myself on some level and being available for them to be themselves around. It feels like there's an aspect of myself that I can best develop with someone other than my wife and kids. There is something good about talking and having a few laughs with another husband or dad. As the years go by and life gets fuller and fuller friends are harder to make and harder to keep and it's getting easier and easier to live without them, but personally I think we need to have one or two.

If I've been out with a couple of guys that are a good influence on me, and come home in good spirits, happy and ready to give, my wife sees that as time well spent.

I think it's an important question and one that you have to consider in light of whether it will help you be a better person or not. If better then in the long run you ARE serving your family by doing it.


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