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PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2016 4:52 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2015 12:57 am
Posts: 42
Hi guys.

So, I’ve been in recovery for a few years now since I cheated on my GF and we together figured out I had an SA problem. I’ve made a lot of progress in that time.
For a bit of background, having begun my recovery with several months of not masturbating, I’m now in a place where my personal boundary is that I can masturbate, but not more than a few times a week, and the fantasy can only be about my girlfriend, with a focus on intimacy. I’ve found this to be a pretty good system for me. I also only masturbate after I’ve gone to bed so as to not be doing it as a response to stressors during the day, and not if I’ve struggled with SA during the day.

I’ve been really sick for the last week and a bit. I mention this because I know it’s a stressor on my system and something that makes it harder to keep myself on an even keel. Right around the time I first got sick I happened to stumble on a porn site, and while that hasn’t been a problem for me in a couple of years now (typical reaction is to immediately close the page then take stock of my emotional situation) this time I vacillated, going back and forth between closing it and reopening the page with the thumbnails, trying to decide if I was going to walk away or cross the threshold into the realm of porn I’d left behind so long ago.
In the end I made the right choice, but felt really disappointed by how hard it had been.
And then the other night I stayed up several hours past my usual bedtime. I did this because I was sick and the previous few nights I’d gone to bed only to lie there coughing for hours and having to get up and down a lot. I was probably scared of having to lie there alone with my thoughts.
So when I finally went to bed I got the urge to masturbate to one of my old fantasies (not one in particular, but the elements and style that includes constructing one or more woman in my mind and going through sex acts with them). And I know that I got to that point because I slacked off and didn’t effectively break the progression of things over the previous weeks. And I know that part of why I didn’t break the ritual was how tired and sick I was, but there was also part of me that just went “I don’t want to fight this. I don’t want the emotional discomfort of battling this.” So I gave in.

But that’s all the “what”. More important is the “why”. My initial motivation for recovery was to keep my relationship with my girlfriend, and I’ve mostly done a good job of transitioning that to doing recovery because I wanted my life to be different, more meaningful and less full of conflicts and self-made anxiety. And when I look at the changes I’ve made, I’m really proud of myself, and really glad I put the effort in. I haven’t just been working on SA, but on my self as a whole. I stopped using drugs and alcohol, and I’ve become a lot more mature and willing to accept responsibility, and I’ve learned to have much better boundaries in my relationships with people.

I started writing this when things were bad, but didn’t get around to posting it at the time. It’s now a week later and I’m no longer ill. I’ve been getting back into my good habits (journalling and meditating) that keep me stable, and I’m no longer feeling plagued by urges to act out. But I’m worried about not learning all I can from this episode (because when I’m doing well I don’t want to look at the bad things). I seem to have created an internal split where I take all the things I don’t like about myself, and my beliefs about being unlovable and unworthy, and lumped them in with my SA. So as long as I’m not acting out I don’t have to associate myself with those beliefs, but when things get messy I judge myself even more harshly and feel even more crap.

This turned into quite the ramble.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2016 7:02 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3809
Location: UK
Hello TW
great to share experiences and what we learn from them with the community and it is heart warming to hear
Quote:
More important is the “why


perhaps you need to analyse deeper into this without using the obvious "excuse" of illness and being down
I dont know if there are deeper reasons and expect that you dont either but digging cannot harm

you did not ask a specific question in this post hence personally I would have posted it into my personal recovery thread
however as said great to share experiences and what we learn from them


I am sure that you will learn from this slip and build up your boundaries accordingly

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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