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 Post subject: Absolute Honesty
PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 1:11 am 
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Joined: Thu Jan 15, 2015 1:54 am
Posts: 43
i have been trying to recover from my pornography addiction since I was 15 years old. I also made a thread in the self-help recovery threads section. Recently I had made a vision in my mind and was pursuing it with lots of passion. I have joined a company and I was doing extremely well. Plus I was also studying. My time management skills have become great and now I know the potential within me and that I can climb the career ladder quickly. In fact now I even know that I can switch my career if I want to.

I read lesson 10 which is about absolute honesty. I started thinking that when people look at their watches they should know that what am I doing at, for example, at 8 o clock. People should know the real me. I shouldn't be fake with them. Whatever I am from inside I should be from the outside as well.

So I started being honest with myself and with the world around me and suddenly, reality hit me in my face and I realized that my whole life was addictive, I was never true with my self or with others. I cried for many hours. Even old memories were returning. I kept thinking that why didn't I listen to my parents when they told me that life would become hard if I wont study. I started sharing my true self with each and everyone and then fear, shame and guilt became extreme. I was using just one value i.e. absolute honesty for immediate gratification and for emotional stimulation even though I knew the long term consequences. I felt like I had no control over my actions which was again me lying to myself. Now I know that I have to rebuild my identity. In fact there are many good values already in place but I will have to separate my identity from addiction. Time is very scarce and many of the information given in this workshop is very helpful, I did not believe at first because I myself had not experienced it but now I'm feeling extreme fear as I am continuously sharing myself with my household members and with my office people. One should act professionally in an organization but I am continuously crying and feeling fear whenever I go to my office.

The bottom line is that I know that values are used to balance ones life and bring emotional stability into it but after being true to myself and the world around me, I have become scared because now I feel that many many values have not been developed within me and I am very very far behind from people who are of my age, (im 22). Also, I just cant come out of this fear that has developed within me. After being honest, Im scared that people will discover my actions as I have become true with them. Whatever is coming in my mind, I am sharing it with everyone. Also, I was using pornography to numb my brain and achieve balance but now that I have removed it, there are not many values present within me and I am scared to death. Please help me to manage this fear, shame and guilt which is arising as a result of absolute honesty.


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 Post subject: Re: Absolute Honesty
PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 11:27 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3793
Location: UK
TF
fear not
IMO you are learning to grow up and I mean that positively and not with patronisation

honesty is paramount, no doubt about that but so is discretion
a simple example being that you would not tell a stranger that they are fat simply because they look to weigh a few pounds more than you
be honest, in particular with yourself and remember lesson 1
do not let guilt or shame hinder your recovery

ask yourself this

do you want recovery and will that recovered you be a better person than the one that started out on this journey?

so be proud of this new you
you are worthy to be the best you that you can become
self doubt is an enemy of recovery and a friend to addiction
you can and will overcome , how?
by recovering

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Absolute Honesty
PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 9:17 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 15, 2015 1:54 am
Posts: 43
Ok. Thanks.


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 Post subject: Re: Absolute Honesty
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:05 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:38 am
Posts: 263
Hi thefalcon241,

There's two points I'd like to make:

Quote:
I am very very far behind from people who are of my age, (im 22).


First off, you're not very very far behind people your own age. People join our community all the time who are much, much older than you and are working on being honest with their partner and themselves for the first time in many decades. It's never too late to pursue recovery because no matter what age you're at, redemption and recovery is always the better choice than sulking in addiction. But you're definitely still young and you should be very glad you've begun work on this workshop at this point n your life.

Quote:
1) Establish a boundary of being absolutely honest with yourself
2) Establish a boundary of sharing your true self with the world around you


Quote:
We are not talking about sharing everything and anything with anybody and everybody. Absolute honesty requires that you present your true self to the world around you. That you approach others with vulnerability and a respect for their desire to truly communicate with you. You disrespect that process when you use deception to paint a new, more palatable version of reality. Not that you must share every detail of your life, you shouldn't. But, you must make it an absolute boundary that you do not lie about any detail.


My second point is, Lesson 10 is about absolute honesty. And when it comes to letting a spouse/loved one know about your addiction, it's often most helpful to be absolutely honest when you tell them. But that doesn't mean you should go to work and start telling people your deepest, darkest secrets or that you're an addict. That would be very inappropriate, people who are acquaintances don't need to know about your struggle or anything personal at all. It means that you should present your true self by not lying to manipulate people or their perception of you. You should just work on honesty being part of your value system and monitor yourself. Do you lie on a constant basis at work? Do you lie to friends and family? Just work on monitoring how honest you are with people. And just share your struggle with your spouse/loved one or with a psychologist/counselor/clergy.


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 Post subject: Re: Absolute Honesty
PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2016 3:12 am 
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Joined: Thu Jan 15, 2015 1:54 am
Posts: 43
CoachRobert wrote:
And just share your struggle with your spouse/loved one or with a psychologist/counselor/clergy.


Rel8ed2 wrote:
Hi thefalcon241,
Ursula articulated what I was talking about with great detail. Looking within, but also having a support system is very important. As you learn about who you are it's important to develop friendships and relationships with people that you can trust and can help you realize your goals and ambitions in a healthy way especially since unnecessary pressure (stress in general) can lead to relapse.

It's hard work, but very well worth it.
Rel8ed2


Rel8ed2 wrote this in my personal recovery thread: Now I understand that I should share my struggles with my support system. (I do have a support system in place but never realised it, nor used it)

Thanks a lot to both of you.


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