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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 9:58 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
So for the past few days I have been trying to give my wife space during the day, not being consumed with having to be with her all of the time, not being a ball and chain around her life . . .staying away and not being cumbersome to her . . .facing reality a bit that she doesn't' want to be around me.

So, it was working alright for her . . .actually, probably very good for her but a bit anxious and depressing for me and dealing with the reality of rejection and the reality of her not really wanting to be around me at all and living my life in the truck, in parks or the library, visiting my parents. . .but me being thankful for the bits and pieces of time that I do get to be with her and a place to rest at night . . .

Today I left before she got up so she could get ready in peace and went out to call on a to a client, made some phone calls to other clients. During one of my calls that was very stressful, I reverted to a terrible habit, one that she detests, of picking at a scab . . .that resulted in needing to stop and get a bandaid, so I stopped at a hotel lobby along the way and put that on so I would not pick at it any longer . . .took another call a few minutes later, so I pulled into a parking lot took the call and after feeling pretty good about the call and solutions made during that call, saw a donut shop and went in and bought a donut . . .when I finally reconnected with my wife, I was confronted with the reality of what I had actually done . . . looking back I knew what I was doing was wrong all along . . I just minimized it all. In the end . . no peace for her at all.

Now the translation . . .

• We had just been in a conversation two days ago about the picking of scabs . . .I was wrong . . .no self control! Not a healthy lifestyle . . disgusting actually.
• Many months ago . . . probably 12-15 months ago we made an agreement that I was not to go into any hotel by myself because of what it represents, the fact that hotels were the location of much of my activity with prostitutes . . .I was wrong to stop there for the band aid . . .on the surface it was nothing . . .going into someplace for a band aid . . .but that was not the agreement . . .I was prideful and felt like I could handle it . . .I was wrong . . .what it represented was evil from my past and fostered a lack of trust and respect for my wife's feeling and for how I need to follow through with my actions . . .it was an “in your face”, I’m going to do what I want to do and I am in control.
• I have access to virtually no money after the hundreds of thousands of dollars that I squandered, stole and wasted on prostitutes . . .I actually negotiated down the price of the donut I bought from 85 cents to 55 cents because that is all that I had in the truck . . . but we had agreed that I would not have ANY indulgences at all outside of in our home or when we were together (and I have had incredible indulgences over the past 18 months with my wife) . . .in an effort to recognize and remember the foolishness of how I stole and squandered money over many years . . I was wrong! I again was establishing in my mind that I was in control . . . what a joke . . . I have not been in any real control of myself for way too long.

In my recovery/messed up mind stopping to get a bandaid was just a simple solution to a problem . . .actually it was not . . as I walked in the lobby door, I said to myself, what am I doing here . . .this is wrong . . .but I did it anyway . . .it was a breach of trust and respect because I had agreed to not be in a hotel without my wife. It was me saying I am in control, I am big stuff! . . .what a delusion.

In my recovery/messed up mind, stopping to have a 55 cent donut was really nothing in comparison to the to $1000s I paid a prostitute . . it was not . . . as I walked in the shop I wondered if she was watching me . . . it was a total breach of trust and respect and disregard for the value of money and something that I had agreed to not do . . I was wrong.
I was showing my wife that I was in control . . .what a delsuion.

In my recovery/messed up mind, the picking was just disgusting and a terrible habit but in reality as I was doing it I was thinking what an idiot . . . it was an affront to what we had just talked about, I had no self control following our discussion of it a couple of days earlier. I was wrong.

I need to recognize the rituals, routines and patterns that I let control me over many years . . . the objectifying women, the abuse that I instilled on women, the betrayal of my bride, the foolish living, the deceit, the stealing are not the all-consuming things that they were . . .but these little things are still reflections and indicators of what got me there and I need to recognize that on the surface they may appear to be little but they in fact are still in place bigger than I would like to admit and they need to be confronted and conquered.

I need to Accept that these feelings, emotions and patterns will come into my life and confront me . . .I need to Consider the healthy options that I have available to me to respond to them and recognize the devastation that came from choosing the foolish options in the past, even in the little things and then I need to take action and choose a healthy solution and reaction to what has come my way.

Yesterday I was at the beach with the grandkids and they wanted to dig a personal pool for each of them at the waters edge as the tide was going out . . .we began digging the holes, but as we dug it seemed like 3/4 of the wet sand that we took out kept coming back into the hole with each scoop we took out . . .occasionally a wave would come over the hole and it almost completely filled once again . . .we kept digging and watching the sand come back into the hole . . .eventually we did ok as the tide went out a little more and eventually got to a place where they could sit in the hole and have their legs under water . . .it was not what they set out to do but it is what we ended up with . . . as I watched the sand come back into the hole and thought of how my life in many ways is still like that.

I feel like I am doing OK most of the time, but then I let these days of scooping sand and having most of it refill the hole due to the idiocy of my decision making, return . . .I need to keep scooping the sand . . .when waves hit, I need to keep shoveling . . .remember the fact that by giving up, the hole will eventually just be taken over by the sand . . .keep scooping . . .it is the only option and solution

Do what I say that I am going to do . . .respect the boundaries of my wife . . .respect the boundaries that I set for myself . . .when I get the attitude that its not that big of thing, that just communicates that I am minimizing what I have done . . .its all a big thing . . . I have betrayed trust, respect and honesty . . .I need to treat it as such.

Consider the healthy options the healthy choices . . .consider what is right given where I have been and where I need to go.


Last edited by DBAck on Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2016 7:18 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3798
Location: UK
Hello DB
Quote:
Stupid Decisions to Protect Myself


we have all made them , but did they protect us?
I leave that to be answered individually

great honest post
I hope that you copy into your own thread and occasionally refer back to it as you go
thanks for sharing

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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