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 Post subject: Love life with my wife
PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 5:48 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:09 pm
Posts: 22
I would like if possible some advice to a difficult question. I have stopped seeing my wife as desirable and my
sexual appetite is virtually zero. Of course she is very concerned about this. My wife is much desired by many
I do realise I am very lucky but I just do not see what they see at this present time. I have been totally honest with her about my addiction and my work on here but how do I get my labido back with her? Can anyone offer
any advice?


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 11:04 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3665
Location: UK
Hi Espania

Quote:
I would like if possible some advice to a difficult question. I have stopped seeing my wife as desirable and my
sexual appetite is virtually zero.


I certainly am not qualified to answer the question
the problem could be physical, mental or emotional
or indeed combinations of these

however the problem is real and has been going on for some time
there is a need for a resolve
remember from early october

Quote:
at this moment in time I am struggling to have some sexual relationship, I find myself struggling to
want sex and it hurts her, is this normal with this situation. The problem I face is she wants and says she needs sex.

Hello Espania
Quote:
is this normal with this situation. The problem I face is she wants and says she needs sex.


is anything related to addiction Normal?
we are all different yet similar as are our loved ones

does she need sex?
perhaps she needs love and intimacy?
perhaps she needs to feel valued?

I suggest that you give her the things that she asks for bearing in mind what you took from her
you do not need to "perform"

simply satisfy her needs and be very grateful that she still wants you to be the one doing so

finally do not allow this issue to hamper your recovery


my advice would be to seek professional help from marriage guidance or sexual therapist
finally you need to stress the fact that your wife is totally blameless and that you take full responsibility

good luck my friend

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:39 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:09 pm
Posts: 22
Thank you for your advice, I really am grateful. This is tough going but whatever happens I wish my wife to be happy.


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 Post subject: Lesson 33
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2018 1:05 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:09 pm
Posts: 22
Still here but decided not to post anything. Lesson 33 and I am doing better than I thought I would. Still with my
very supportive wife but she still has anger and some resentment towards me which I realise is to be expected.
My wife has some admirers who knows about me and our troubles. I sometimes do feel that I am "in the way" of her being happier and relieved of the stress and hurt I have caused her. That is the one issue that concerns me but does not hinder me on getting past my addiction. Any thoughts on this? Espania..


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 1:37 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 319
Hi Espania,

Thanks for touching base again.

Quote:
My wife has some admirers who knows about me and our troubles. I sometimes do feel that I am "in the way" of her being happier and relieved of the stress and hurt I have caused her.


But she is still there and wants to be with you at the moment. As an SA on RN we have the opportunity to recovery through the learning to be gained here, we hope to come through the process with our relationship still in tact but recovery is needed and should be sought regardless of that. I would encourage you to keep talking to her and to be honest with her.

I am pleased to see that you are making progress with the lessons. Whilst posting your responses to the exercises is optional you may find benefit in doing so in order that the coaches and mentors may provide feedback in case you have missed a point along the way.

Good luck and keep it going.

_________________
L2R

"Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery"


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2018 1:41 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:09 pm
Posts: 22
A. A previous girlfriend had to go out for an hour leaving her friend with me. I went on to instigate sex with her.
I did feel great excitement at the time but afterwards I did feel guilt afterwards and then it was on my mind, but curiously this was mixed with accomplishment. It was much later after we had parted that I felt shame about this.

B. When I get this feeling of wanting to "act out" it is, and this is my best way of describing it, like a wave of sexual surge of emotion sweeping into my mind. Sometimes very seldomly will I resist and go do something
constructively like go out or go onto my weights and train for a while.

C. If/ when I "act out" I feel extremely excited and yes hyper alert until I have finished then an immediate
release of tension. Espania.


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 Post subject: Re Lesson 35
PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2018 2:41 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:09 pm
Posts: 22
Evolving my daily monitoring Stage 2

"Today I am going to look for opportunities to re establish closeness and love with my wife"

This notice will be placed on top of our dresser, taped, which is facing the foot of our bed and next to our door.
It will be in a position that I will see as soon as I go towards the exit.


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson 37
PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2018 6:06 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:09 pm
Posts: 22
1, To be civil and respectful towards my wife and understand her pain thru my previous actions.
2, To be completely honest with my wife and build up trust between us.
3, To be positively focused on keeping out negative thoughts

My five boundaries for each of these values are as follows...1
1, When my wife becomes angry I will not allow myself to retaliate and makes the situation worse.
2, I have to begin to fully realise what are the triggers that my wife has and make a conscious effort to avoid them.
3, To listen and make a genuine effort to understand my wife's point of view and how she perceives it.
4, To learn to be more patient regarding her thoughts and feelings towards me.
5, To help her understand my own feelings and struggles with my addiction.

2,
1, To not allow myself to be in a situation which is deemed as wrong and against my principles.
2, To be honest everything I do when we are not together.
3, To be able to answer any questions my wife asks and answer them truthfully regardless of what it is.
4, For me to explain anything without becoming angry and frustrated with my wife.
5, To not be tempted by any fantasy/visual or real situations which will then cause more problems with being honest.

3,
1, My mind has to be kept active in order for me to not slip back into my addiction.
2, I will encourage my wife to support me the best way she can.
3, Keep up with my fitness programme which gives me more mental focus on staying on the right path.
4, To realise what is wrong and what is right and realise at the time and so alter my thoughts accordingly.
5, To believe in myself and know I can get through this.

My Absolute Boundaries..
1, To be completely honest and truthful with my wife.
2, I will not allow myself to be negative about my past actions or my present situation.
3, I will be more responsible and mature with regards to my life now and in the future.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2018 8:03 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 319
Hi Espania,

It is good to see your continued progress through the lessons. I know it can be a bit confusing but posts to the Community Support Forum are supposed to be where members may have questions to ask on a particular lesson or an area where they need more guidance. Any posts in response to your lessons should instead go into your personal thread in the Self-Help Recovery Threads Forum. As such you may wish to copy and paste your last 3 posts here over to your personal thread and then delete them from here afterwards? Your original posting here was fine as it was asking a question and can remain.

I hope the above makes sense but if not please ask.

_________________
L2R

"Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery"


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